AP is a vampire

[Noirek]

I finally read all your posts and I think you are a highly competitive person. Often with competitive people their self worth comes from "winning". And "losing" hits your ego hard. This could explain why you hung on to what must have been a terrinle marriage for so long. My advice is to heed the people who say not to get her fired. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Let your Lawyers direct you and focus on not "competing". The only one losing is your wife in the long run. Get your life seperated from her as quickly as possible and keep it legal so that nothing can bite you later on. Are your children seeing a guidance counselor? They have been exposed to a lot and really need someone. Also, how wonderful can your MIL be if your wife had such a terrible childhood and a surrogate mother figure? I'd keep your interactions with her to the children.

[Timshel]

Bamawsp- It is completely understandable that you are beyond livid at this point. You say that you have asked her to leave and she has refused. Yet continues to blatantly carry on with her A.

I have said this before, she believes she will have the house and custody of the children. That is the only logical explanation for her not leaving, except for your malice. She could so easily move in with the OM and set visitation with the kids even before divorce proceedings. Her lawyer or whoever have probably told her that it could be seen as abandonment if she leaves the home.

When you meet with your attorney on Wed., I'm sure you will let them know the duress the children are under with the current living situation and how to reach a legal/amicable solution.

To me, that is first and foremost. I can imagine the stress the kids and yourself are under now.

As other have pointed out, your desire for retaliation in this situation leaves her to not trust that her leaving will not be used against her. I see this as a rage blindness on your part. She should leave. For the kid's sake and your own but she sees vengeance from you.

This marriage is over. Your focus has to be on your children. Easy to say? I know it's not easy but I know that you are a smart guy. Logistically, keeping her tethered is hurting you and the kids. Threatening her income and ability to see her children will make her more belligerent and disagreeable and everything worse.

Also, agree about MIL, stop conspiring with her. Everything about you now should be the calm in the storm. I am reading you helping create storms.

[Radu]

Don't get her fired and i can think of 2 very good reasons :

1 - if she gets fired ... you will get a worse financial deal in the Divorce

2 - if you get her fired ... your moral soapbox will be ruined.

So far you have the BS who tries to protect his kids going for you ... do not destroy that ... post-feminist family courts will eat you alive ... the welfare of the woman also counts there and unless you have hard proof of hard drugs with convictions ... you will not win.

So keep the damn soapbox and just use the info about him in court.

 

 

As for the others who judge you badly ... it's because in your looooong thread you wrote something in a bad way in the OP and most of everyone who posted read that ... not the clarifications that came after.

And as for those who try to view the WS in a sympathetic light with her PTSD ... etc ... remember the phrase 'best interest of the child'. The child is not an asset [a teddybear] to make the damn addict feel good. Get your damn head straight.

[bamawsp]

Bamawsp- It is completely understandable that you are beyond livid at this point. You say that you have asked her to leave and she has refused. Yet continues to blatantly carry on with her A.

I have said this before, she believes she will have the house and custody of the children. That is the only logical explanation for her not leaving, except for your malice. She could so easily move in with the OM and set visitation with the kids even before divorce proceedings. Her lawyer or whoever have probably told her that it could be seen as abandonment if she leaves the home.

When you meet with your attorney on Wed., I'm sure you will let them know the duress the children are under with the current living situation and how to reach a legal/amicable solution.

To me, that is first and foremost. I can imagine the stress the kids and yourself are under now.

As other have pointed out, your desire for retaliation in this situation leaves her to not trust that her leaving will not be used against her. I see this as a rage blindness on your part. She should leave. For the kid's sake and your own but she sees vengeance from you.

This marriage is over. Your focus has to be on your children. Easy to say? I know it's not easy but I know that you are a smart guy. Logistically, keeping her tethered is hurting you and the kids. Threatening her income and ability to see her children will make her more belligerent and disagreeable and everything worse.

Also, agree about MIL, stop conspiring with her. Everything about you now should be the calm in the storm. I am reading you helping create storms.

 

Excellent advice. Thank you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Just as it was clear from your first thread (when people like myself got pounded for saying you weren't thinking first of your kids), it continues to be evident in this thread.

 

You are a loose cannon. You seem capable of just about anything as long as it wreaks destruction to your wife. Regardless of the effect it has on your kids.

 

What kind of person would deliberately get the mother of their kids fired? How is that ever in the best interest of your kids? You need to stop this vicious need for revenge that seems to be ruling you.

 

I have to wonder if you are like this to some extent in everyday life. That would be difficult to live with. There certainly is no excuse for your wife's behavior, but you do not seem like you would be an easy person to live with at all.

 

I think you are devastated and you want her back more than anything. I think the tough guy act and the revenge behavior is just your extreme hurt coming out. Some people say it's because you want to "win" - I say it's because you are devastated and you want her back, and you are angry that she wants someone else and doesn't want you.

 

Unfortunately, and I said this before, every single thing you are doing is serving to further alienate her and make her despise you permanently. You are shooting yourself in BOTH feet and the children are in the horrible situation of being in the middle of it all. What a mess.

[Spark1111]

Shock, awe, napalm the landscape.....whatever it takes to retain your integrity and self-respect.

 

So, so tired of BSs held to a higher moral ground than the lying, cheating, soul-destroying cheaters.

 

To the best of your sanity, keep your children away from the shrapnel....no convos, sharing of events, family drama. That's their mama and they should love her and not know of this nonsense.

 

But in the meantime, fire away.

 

Good luck to you!

[Hope Shimmers]

Shock, awe, napalm the landscape.....whatever it takes to retain your integrity and self-respect.

 

So, so tired of BSs held to a higher moral ground than the lying, cheating, soul-destroying cheaters.

 

To the best of your sanity, keep your children away from the shrapnel....no convos, sharing of events, family drama. That's their mama and they should love her and not know of this nonsense.

 

But in the meantime, fire away.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Yep, don't bother to stop the war, just put the kids in combat gear so they will be 'protected' from the ammunition. Makes sense to me.

[truncated]

Yep, don't bother to stop the war, just put the kids in combat gear so they will be 'protected' from the ammunition. Makes sense to me.

 

 

If she is as unstable as the op suggests, then there is every possibility that they are already experiencing fallout from her behavior, no matter what the op does.

 

His number one goal is to protect his kids from her behavior. One she becomes more stable and sorts out her life, then by all means, she should have access and spend lots of time with them. It sounds like she needs mental health help to sort out her life and once she does that, it will be better for all, including her.

 

For now, the kids just need to know that mommy's ill, and she needs some help to get better. She still loves them very much, but for now, she needs to work on getting herself healthy so she can be the best mom for them that she can be.

[sweet_pea]

I don't think it's a fair assessment or assumption to say that this is how he is normally, especially considering the circumstances.

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't think it's a fair assessment or assumption to say that this is how he is normally, especially considering the circumstances.

 

I didn't say he is. I said I wonder if he is. Big difference. I don't know him, so I can't know.

 

But it does seem that most other people on this site in a similar position don't initiate full-fledged warfare towards their WS in the same way that seems to be going on here. Just an observation.

[sweet_pea]

I didn't say he is. I said I wonder if he is. Big difference. I don't know him, so I can't know.

 

But it does seem that most other people on this site in a similar position don't initiate full-fledged warfare towards their WS in the same way that seems to be going on here. Just an observation.

 

Well, you kind of did make an assumption about him in your post, which is what I alluded to in mine ("you do not seem like you would be an easy person to live with at all"). I'm sure you wouldn't like people painting you as a certain kind of person by only using examples from your time as an OW.

 

We don't know him all-around, just this bit he's shared with us. We aren't him - all I know is infidelity is incredibly painful and we all handle it differently. I'm not gonna judge him, a lot of BS' handle things in a not-so-great way in the early stages of finding out.

 

IDK, I feel for you Bama. This really sucks. Above all, just try to limit and protect your kids from all the drama as best as you can. I think divorce is the way to go.

[bamawsp]

This past weekend she drank a bottle of champagne before noon on Saturday AND Sunday. I have a recording where she admits it in front of the kids and her tirade an hour and a half later. She weighs 115 lbs.

 

That was just this past weekend. She sits in our bedroom and Facebook messages her AP throughout the night. All he does is tell her she isn't messed up while having his way with her emotionally if not physically.

 

The AP is a vampire because he is capitalizing on a terrible situation.

 

By all means, y'all continue to hammer me. I'm trying to save her life.....

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, you kind of did make an assumption about him in your post, which is what I alluded to in mine ("you do not seem like you would be an easy person to live with at all"). I'm sure you wouldn't like people painting you as a certain kind of person by only using examples from your time as an OW.

 

We don't know him all-around, just this bit he's shared with us. We aren't him - all I know is infidelity is incredibly painful and we all handle it differently. I'm not gonna judge him, a lot of BS' handle things in a not-so-great way in the early stages of finding out.

 

IDK, I feel for you Bama. This really sucks. Above all, just try to limit and protect your kids from all the drama as best as you can. I think divorce is the way to go.

 

Yes, we all make some level of judgement here in one way or another. Every single person on this thread has done so. That's why this is a forum.

 

Assumptions are different though, if they are made in such a way as to imply that the person knows something they can't possibly know about another. I apologize if you think I made an inappropriate assumption. I was careful to not use words that were definite, but it's true that I did get that impression from the many posts. As you (and I also) said, it's just an opinion, and just my impression. I'm guessing if I had said something of an opposite nature, you wouldn't have had a problem with it.

 

I actually feel sorry for the OP, but I also feel sorry for the kids. I can't know what it is like to be in the exact same position, but I'd like to think I would not conduct open warfare on my WS at the expense of my kids.

[Hope Shimmers]

This past weekend she drank a bottle of champagne before noon on Saturday AND Sunday. I have a recording where she admits it in front of the kids and her tirade an hour and a half later. She weighs 115 lbs.

 

That was just this past weekend. She sits in our bedroom and Facebook messages her AP throughout the night. All he does is tell her she isn't messed up while having his way with her emotionally if not physically.

 

The AP is a vampire because he is capitalizing on a terrible situation.

 

By all means, y'all continue to hammer me. I'm trying to save her life.....

 

You're trying to save her life by getting her fired?

 

What you need to do is divorce her. That's the fastest way to get her out from under your roof and get something decided for the kids that is not detrimental to them. You can't fix her.

[SawtoothMars]

This past weekend she drank a bottle of champagne before noon on Saturday AND Sunday. I have a recording where she admits it in front of the kids and her tirade an hour and a half later. She weighs 115 lbs.

That was just this past weekend. She sits in our bedroom and Facebook messages her AP throughout the night. All he does is tell her she isn't messed up while having his way with her emotionally if not physically.

The AP is a vampire because he is capitalizing on a terrible situation.

By all means, y'all continue to hammer me. I'm trying to save her life.....

 

Seriously... if you want to play dirty wait until she is very drunk. Then start a fight and get up in her face. Do your best to get her to strike you either with her fist or with any luck an object.

 

Call the police once she hits you. They will see you sober and her intoxicated. She may deny but if you have physical evidence she hit you and she is drunk... ! File for a protective order and you can have her expelled from the house and you can protect the kids from her destructive behavior.

[bamawsp]

My marriage is over. I understand that fact. However, her work environment is extremely toxic and will only get worse.

 

I want her to be a viable component in our children's lives.

[SawtoothMars]

My marriage is over. I understand that fact. However, her work environment is extremely toxic and will only get worse.

I want her to be a viable component in our children's lives.

 

You can't control that. There is nothing you can do to stop her self destruction. I've been there and tried everything. My X got split from her work and it just made things worse.

[Furious]

This past weekend she drank a bottle of champagne before noon on Saturday AND Sunday. I have a recording where she admits it in front of the kids and her tirade an hour and a half later. She weighs 115 lbs.

 

That was just this past weekend. She sits in our bedroom and Facebook messages her AP throughout the night. All he does is tell her she isn't messed up while having his way with her emotionally if not physically.

 

The AP is a vampire because he is capitalizing on a terrible situation.

 

By all means, y'all continue to hammer me. I'm trying to save her life.....

 

 

 

Sadly, the only person you can save is yourself. You're going through hell, and at your most fragile time it's so hard to think clearly.

 

I urge you to get individual counselling so you can get help to navigate through all that is happening.

 

I feel so bad for you, and it's obvious you're experiencing emotional turmoil and it must feel like you're living a nightmare.

 

You and your kids need a break. Is there a friend or family member who can take the kids for a couple days, and is there a friend or family member, you can go stay with for those couple of days so you can get some rest and be cared for too.

 

It's obvious you're existing on a rush of sleepless adrenalin that is running on empty and your emotional and physical health will suffer if you do not take a break and care for yourself.

 

I'm reminded of when on an airplane and the safety instructions are that you must first get your oxygen mask on before trying to help anyone next to you.

It makes so much sense that you must help yourself if you want to help anyone else.

[bamawsp]

Sadly, the only person you can save is yourself. You're going through hell, and at your most fragile time it's so hard to think clearly.

 

I urge you to get individual counselling so you can get help to navigate through all that is happening.

 

I feel so bad for you, and it's obvious you're experiencing emotional turmoil and it must feel like you're living a nightmare.

 

You and your kids need a break. Is there a friend or family member who can take the kids for a couple days, and is there a friend or family member, you can go stay with for those couple of days so you can get some rest and be cared for too.

 

It's obvious you're existing on a rush of sleepless adrenalin that is running on empty and your emotional and physical health will suffer if you do not take a break and care for yourself.

 

I'm reminded of when on an airplane and the safety instructions are that you must first get your oxygen mask on before trying to help anyone next to you.

It makes so much sense that you must help yourself if you want to help anyone else.

 

You nailed it. I've never felt so isolated or helpless. Within the hour my father lands in my city and a new course of action comes into play. This is the most sick and twisted situation I've ever encountered.

[Hope Shimmers]

You nailed it. I've never felt so isolated or helpless. Within the hour my father lands in my city and a new course of action comes into play. This is the most sick and twisted situation I've ever encountered.

 

I think Furious is right on. You need a break and to clear your head. And so do your kids. I hope you can find a way to get away from it all and take a breather. I'm sorry you're going through such pain with someone you clearly care very much about. Good luck -

[bigman1]

please stop with the kisa stuff. It is getting ridiculous. She's not now nor in the near future going to be a productive part of your kid's lives. You can't save her life. Its very paternalistic, in a self serving way, to say that is your goal. Its not your true goal. its okay to admit it.

 

You have to be there for the kids. The time, energy, and emotion wasted on her harms them. She is bad for them. KISA's die on the battlefield at the hands of their maidens.

[Lurkeraspect]

This past weekend she drank a bottle of champagne before noon on Saturday AND Sunday. I have a recording where she admits it in front of the kids and her tirade an hour and a half later. She weighs 115 lbs.

 

That was just this past weekend. She sits in our bedroom and Facebook messages her AP throughout the night. All he does is tell her she isn't messed up while having his way with her emotionally if not physically.

 

The AP is a vampire because he is capitalizing on a terrible situation.

 

By all means, y'all continue to hammer me. I'm trying to save her life.....

 

Yea, I don't get this part, nor do I feel it's genuine. Based on all you've shared here, you're not trying to "save her life" you're trying to ruin her life, beyond what she's already done. Just be honest. I think , I get it. You're pissed.

 

She no more needs or requires your salvation. She cheated, is an active cheat. Just do what needs to be done to sever ties with her. Just please don't try and justify your behaviour as some salvation.

 

And for all things holy; protect your kids. Leave them out of this one upsmanship. They are the only innocents here. Be pissed, yell, screw her however you want, just protect your kids. They asked for none of this drama.

[SleekArchitecture]

Can you see a therapist and see if they can give you Klonopin or Xanax for agitation? Extreme agitation could lead you to do something unpredictable or go off the deep end. It will help you relax and clear up your mind. It wouldn't clear the mind of someone calm, but it will in this case.

[Lion Heart]

The more I learn about my WS's AP, the sicker it gets. I am going to serve my WS with divorce papers simultaneously as I serve her AP with a protective order to keep him away from me and my kids. That should make for tremendous office fodder since they work together. On that same day, the owner of the company will receive detailed text records that demonstrates fraternization during work hours.

 

It will be reminiscent of the baptism scene in The Godfather....

 

Bama do whatever legal thing you choose to do. You're an adult, you know some consequences of your actions. Sometimes we never know ALL the consequences because we don't have a crystal ball.

 

I'm all for exposure of affairs. To everyone. Bosses need to know for "boss" type reasons like oh PRODUCTIVITY. I'D CERTAINLY want to know if they worked for me!

 

I also think you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing keeping a drug abuser and heavy drinker away from your children. Too bad that person is their mother's lover.

 

Knowing your marriage has also been abused by infidelity and whatever else, I'd be angry too. Be careful and deliberate in your reactions to this A. Behave and act as nobly as you can.

I certainly don't expect you to act like a saint in the face of all this! Many people will "should" on you. Who cares! You follow your own Principles. You follow your own character.

 

Try to put your actions in positive terms. Eg. I'm doing _____ to protect the children. Anything said out of vengeance (even though you are justifiably outraged) will be met with the "you should act like a saint" spiel. Mostly from people who have no idea of the pain you're suffering.

 

Best wishes in raising your children.

 

Lion Heart.

[Radu]

I didn't say he is. I said I wonder if he is. Big difference. I don't know him, so I can't know.

 

But it does seem that most other people on this site in a similar position don't initiate full-fledged warfare towards their WS in the same way that seems to be going on here. Just an observation.

 

I would [and a good # of others would as well] ... but not at this stage.

 

After D ... after i had gained most ppl to my side ... etc... i would do it.

Doing it at this stage is ... stupid.