BS, does the length of the affair matter when trying to reconcile?

[jbrent890]

I think there are those that would argue (myself included) it takes much more strength to stay. But I know I could never accept a LTA but like anything until any of us are tested it's just pure speculation.

 

No one really knows what they would do until it happens to them.

 

This can be argued both ways. When I see betrayed having to,wait months or even years to see a modicum of remorse from their Waywards, I think that exhibits weakness. When I hear betrayed saying that they don't divorce because they are too old or are afraid of being single, I think that exhibits weakness. Don't get me wrong, I have seen a lot of people exhibit strength by staying, but I have seen the opposite as well. In my opinion the people who were beating you up in the other thread (sorry you had to endure that), as crass as they were, did have point. IF you throw divorce papers in a Waywards face, you will see a quick turn around. Not to mention, they get over their affair partners pretty fast too.

[jbrent890]

I think there are those that would argue (myself included) it takes much more strength to stay. But I know I could never accept a LTA but like anything until any of us are tested it's just pure speculation.

 

No one really knows what they would do until it happens to them.

 

This can be argued both ways. When I see betrayed having to wait months or even years to see a modicum of remorse from their Waywards, I think that exhibits weakness. When I hear betrayed saying that they don't divorce because they are too old or are afraid of being single, I think that exhibits weakness. Don't get me wrong, I have seen a lot of people exhibit strength by staying, but I have seen the opposite as well. In my opinion the people who were beating you up in the other thread (sorry you had to endure that), as crass as they were, did have point. IF you throw divorce papers in a Waywards face, you will see a quick turn around. Not to mention, they get over their affair partners pretty fast too.

[Wondering33]

This can be argued both ways. When I see betrayed having to,wait months or even years to see a modicum of remorse from their Waywards, I think that exhibits weakness. When I hear betrayed saying that they don't divorce because they are too old or are afraid of being single, I think that exhibits weakness. Don't get me wrong, I have seen a lot of people exhibit strength by staying, but I have seen the opposite as well. In my opinion the people who were beating you up in the other thread (sorry you had to endure that), as crass as they were, did have point. IF you throw divorce papers in a Waywards face, you will see a quick turn around. Not to mention, they get over their affair partners pretty fast too.

 

I've seen this go both ways. I've seen the BS file for divorce very quickly based on emotion & the WS didn't want to contest bc they didn't think they deserved it. You have a lot of people that run from confrontation, not bc they don't have remorse, they simply don't know how to handle it. Same type of person that choose to have an affair in the first place bc they don't know how to confront the problems with in themselves or their marriage.

[velvette]

I think this will always depend on the two individuals and the marriage involved.

 

 

My H was a serial cheater and he was also at various times abusive.

 

 

He cheated the first time about 5 years into our marriage.

 

 

As has already been said, most people have a line that becomes a deal breaker. In the end, for me it was more about the abuse than the cheating when he walked out after and argument and I told him to stay gone until/unless he got help.

 

 

I didn't know he was again cheating at that time. I had suspicions, but I didn't care enough anymore to find out.

 

 

Long story short, all of his behavior including the cheating and the abuse was stemming from being sexually abused as a child. A secret he had kept for his entire adult life.

 

 

After he tried everything else except dealing with this to get me to let him come home, he finally went into therapy and dealt with it.

 

 

At that point, he was a changed man. All the good that I loved and learning to change the bad.

 

 

No one imo is always either totally strong or totally weak. You can be strong in some ways and weak in others. Sometimes weakness blinds you to your own strength and sometimes strength blinds you to your weak spots.

 

 

In the end, my husband found the strength to walk through hell to resolve his own issues as well as those in our M. I found the strength both to insist that he do it and to wait through the process.

 

 

In the end what went before this no longer matters. We basically started over.

 

 

The details of who did what to whom for how long simply don't matter.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think every BS has to do this based on their situation. My decision to stay wasn't out of lack of strength, I have my own career, our kids are older, I have lots of friends, and we don't have any status to worry about as we live in a huge city where we are only known in our circles.

 

If your decision to stay - which I'm not questioning - was understandably based on these things, how does the length of the affair factor in?

 

I might accept that a drunken ONS falls in a (slightly) different category. But to say there's a difference between two months and two years is grasping at straws on the BS's part. Both involve intent, deception, planning and execution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noirek]

If your decision to stay - which I'm not questioning - was understandably based on these things, how does the length of the affair factor in?

 

I might accept that a drunken ONS falls in a (slightly) different category. But to say there's a difference between two months and two years is grasping at straws on the BS's part. Both involve intent, deception, planning and execution...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It has been explained the difference you just don't want to believe it. That is your opinion but to say others who get it are grasping at straws is offensive. Often two months is not long enough to actually lead a double life. Many are caught or confess because they are not cut out to lead a double life. But someone who can go years leading two lives leave a lot of time for the BS to wonder how they could continue to do so. Anniversary after anniversary. Vacation after vacation. Child being born after child. And I may be wrong but I don't think people are as likely to confess to a LTA as a short one.

[badkarma2013]

If your decision to stay - which I'm not questioning - was understandably based on these things, how does the length of the affair factor in?

 

I might accept that a drunken ONS falls in a (slightly) different category. But to say there's a difference between two months and two years is grasping at straws on the BS's part. Both involve intent, deception, planning and execution...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Im sorry sir...but a drunken ONS is NOT in a different category...I do not know your situation ...But my WW had a 8-10 month affair with her Boss..I do not CARE if she FUC^ED him 1 time-10 times or 100 times...She deceived me and betrayed our marriage..and committed infidelity..PERIOD

 

Lets say i have a million dollars..and you embezzle $10,000...are you any less of a THIEF than if you took $100,000..? NO, YOU ARE A DAMN THIEF PERIOD....No More No less..

 

If one cannot see or refuses to see the damage is done....In my book you are quibbling over semantics trying to God to make yourself feel better......Badkarma

 

 

PS Mr Lucky this IS NOT directed at you personally ...

Edited March 13, 2015 by badkarma2013

[DKT3]

It has been explained the difference you just don't want to believe it. That is your opinion but to say others who get it are grasping at straws is offensive. Often two months is not long enough to actually lead a double life. Many are caught or confess because they are not cut out to lead a double life. But someone who can go years leading two lives leave a lot of time for the BS to wonder how they could continue to do so. Anniversary after anniversary. Vacation after vacation. Child being born after child. And I may be wrong but I don't think people are as likely to confess to a LTA as a short one.

 

Noirek, I'm not looking to pick on you, but honestly, these thread carries a lot of passion because of waywards like you. Having seen the pain your affair caused, you pick up and started it again.

 

LTA, STA ONS, or sex 1000 times, you are every BS's fear.

 

Its examples like yours that makes people fear even trying R. You hear your WS say what you want them to say, doing what you would like them to do, yet carrying on with the AP without a care in the world.

 

LTA or STA we are really just stuck making a judgement call based on what we see in the attitude and actions. Its a horrible thing to take advantage of someone who wants to believe in you not once but twice.

 

Again, I'm not looking to pick on you or make you feel bad, just wanting you to get a glimps of what its like to grasp at straws.

[Noirek]

Im sorry sir...but a drunken ONS is NOT in a different category...I do not know your situation ...But my WW had a 8-10 month affair with her Boss..I do not CARE if she FUC^ED him 1 time-10 times or 100 times...She deceived me and betrayed our marriage..and committed infidelity..PERIOD

 

Lets say i have a million dollars..and you embezzle $10,000...are you any less of a THIEF than if you took $100,000..? NO, YOU ARE A DAMN THIEF PERIOD....No More No less..

 

If one cannot see or refuses to see the damage is done....In my book you are quibbling over semantics trying to God to make yourself feel better......Badkarma

 

 

PS Mr Lucky this IS NOT directed at you personally ...

 

You seem to be confusing your own personal opinion and views with everyone else. Mr Lucky was saying he could see how some people would differentiate between a ONS and LTA. But his viewpoint and opinion does not allow him to see that some people can validly differentiate between a sta and a lta. It is all about weighing the damage done. When you love someone it isn't always easy to just throw them out with the garbage. Sometimes it takes some time to decide if they and your marriage is worth it.

[Noirek]

Noirek, I'm not looking to pick on you, but honestly, these thread carries a lot of passion because of waywards like you. Having seen the pain your affair caused, you pick up and started it again.

 

LTA, STA ONS, or sex 1000 times, you are every BS's fear.

 

Its examples like yours that makes people fear even trying R. You hear your WS say what you want them to say, doing what you would like them to do, yet carrying on with the AP without a care in the world.

 

LTA or STA we are really just stuck making a judgement call based on what we see in the attitude and actions. Its a horrible thing to take advantage of someone who wants to believe in you not once but twice.

 

Again, I'm not looking to pick on you or make you feel bad, just wanting you to get a glimps of what its like to grasp at straws.

 

Saying you're not picking on me is like telling someone no offense when you really mean a lot of offense. But I get it. I'm not defending cheaters in any way and I'm sorry if my posts feel that way. I'm defending the people who are betrayed and do see the difference between a LTA and ONS and a STA. It doesn't make sense to invalidate what someone else thinks and feels just because you personally think and feel one way. I truly believe for some people the details and length simply do not matter. And that is okay. And I believe for others the details and length do matter. And I don't see why one group of thinking needs to be closeminded to the orhers. But rather should keep it personal and be "to me the details and length did not matter."

 

And I do realize I am living proof that cheaters should not be reconciled with. But there are other waywards on here who did not go back. In the end most people will make their own descision to stay or go and choose to heed the advice that sits the best with them.

Edited March 13, 2015 by Noirek

[Mrs. John Adams]

How would anyone know if it takes more strength to stay or to divorce unless they have done both?

 

How would anyone know if a short affair is less painful than a long affair unless they have had both?

 

I have about come to the conclusion that BS should divorce the WS. Stay away from each other unless you have children and in that case play nice for the kids sake and for God's sake stay single.

[DKT3]

Saying you're not picking on me is like telling someone no offense when you really mean a lot of offense. But I get it. I'm not defending cheaters in any way and I'm sorry if my posts feel that way. I'm defending the people who are betrayed and do see the difference between a LTA and ONS and a STA. It doesn't make sense to invalidate what someone else thinks and feels just because you personally think and feel one way. I truly believe for some people the details and length simply do not matter. And that is okay. And I believe for others the details and length do matter. And I don't see why one group of thinking needs to be closeminded to the orhers. But rather should keep it personal and be "to me the details and length did not matter."

 

And I do realize I am living proof that cheaters should not be reconciled with. But there are other waywards on here who did not go back. In the end most people will make their own descision to stay or go and choose to heed the advice that sits the best with them.

 

I liked your comments here, maybe ones you could share with your husband.

 

Also, I don't disagree, as I stated earlier we can only guess as to what other feels.

[HadEverything]

I think there are those that would argue (myself included) it takes much more strength to stay. But I know I could never accept a LTA but like anything until any of us are tested it's just pure speculation.

 

No one really knows what they would do until it happens to them.

 

That's how I feel. What about the strength to stay? Isn't that also a great strength? Maybe greater?

[autumnnight]

That's how I feel. What about the strength to stay? Isn't that also a great strength? Maybe greater?

 

For a BS to talk about the strength it takes to stay is one thing. It is very self-serving for a WS to imply that a BS NOT staying is not strong.

[DKT3]

That's how I feel. What about the strength to stay? Isn't that also a great strength? Maybe greater?

 

You know its really up to the BS doing what's best for them. The WS did what they did for them, as should the BS.

 

In my personal situation I had people tell me I was a coward and others admire what they saw as strength. None of that mattered, because I did what I felt I needed to do for me. Lucky for me my WS accepted my decision.

 

But people will see what they want in whatever decision someone makes.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr Lucky was saying he could see how some people would differentiate between a ONS and LTA. But his viewpoint and opinion does not allow him to see that some people can validly differentiate between a sta and a lta.

 

Is there a mta? A long sta? A short lta?

 

I get why a BS would make the distinction, I did it myself. But it's one of those rationalizations you tell yourself to numb the pain, part of the denial stage as you process the grief. Doesn't make it a bad thing, it's just one of many hurdles to get over. And Noirek, as you pointed out just IMHO...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Red123]

If your decision to stay - which I'm not questioning - was understandably based on these things, how does the length of the affair factor in?

 

I might accept that a drunken ONS falls in a (slightly) different category. But to say there's a difference between two months and two years is grasping at straws on the BS's part. Both involve intent, deception, planning and execution...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I already answered this. To be honest we are all different and it definitely mattered to me so that's all.

[harrybrown]

OP, Have you written some of your feelings to your spouse?

 

He is not talking to you, but he may or may not read it.

 

You can try to explain why you did not help him in the fight, but if you can get him to read it, spend a lot of time and energy about why you did what you did. Maybe you felt that is what you wanted at the time. Please be honest. I am just trying to see how you can try to communicate with him.

 

If he did this to you what would you want from him? then maybe you could try to give that to him.

 

Good luck, but be careful in the future. There is no future with guys like your AP. Could you see any future at all with him? He would share you with others and cheat on you like you cheated on your H.

 

Try to find some peace, but your children are also hurting. Try to be there for them.

[badkarma2013]

You seem to be confusing your own personal opinion and views with everyone else. Mr Lucky was saying he could see how some people would differentiate between a ONS and LTA. But his viewpoint and opinion does not allow him to see that some people can validly differentiate between a sta and a lta. It is all about weighing the damage done. When you love someone it isn't always easy to just throw them out with the garbage. Sometimes it takes some time to decide if they and your marriage is worth it.

 

I again disagree...EVERY post here is someones Personal opinion...

 

Agreed it is all about the damage done..Using the example of the thief...Whether you steal $10.00 0r $10,000 ..You are a Thief..nothing more nothing less..The amount means Nothing...Whether they FU#KED the OM once or a Hundred times...They have Deceived and Betrayed ones marriage...AND HAVE COMMITTED INFIDELITY....At The very least...

Nothing more nothing less...and the Marriage you once had is DEAD....You may be (in her view) Plan B or you may chose to go with your Marriage (Version 2)...but what you had is forever GONE...

 

But the DAMAGE is DONE....

 

If constant triggering and endless self doubt and self esteem issues are your bag...have at it.. 68-71% of BHs chose to stay with their WWS after their Affair....However within 3 years of that percentage 70% file for Divorce..Because they cannot get over her Affair and they knew it from the start...Misery and wasted years..

 

If that is the case and that is R for most BHs ...You Bloody well can Keep

It......Badkarma

 

PS Noriek (except for the first sentence) is Not aimed at you personally.. and is as you stated my own opinion......BK

Edited March 14, 2015 by badkarma2013

[aliveagain]

Ya on paper you have a marriage but in reality everything that binds you is gone, the paper that says your married is only a public document. What marries you is your word, this is why you have witnesses at a wedding, to witness the speaking of the words that bind you in marriage. Your marriage document records the day you bond each other with your spoken vow and records for public knowledge who was there to witness it.

 

Why would someone believe that a 6 year affair makes no difference to that marriage if your still with the person you married? Infidelity is a breach of contract, a 6 year affair that includes emotions, sex, deceit, planning against your spouse is not just an affair it's a whole other life. Who plans and executes a mistake for 6 years? This marriage has been bludgeoned to near death for years, what is there to save? Your husband is the only one in the marriage, your still only part time, does he know you've had sex with O/M again? Time to tell him all the truth and let him decide his future.

[Noirek]

 

Agreed it is all about the damage done..Using the example of the thief...Whether you steal $10.00 0r $10,000 ..You are

 

Bad example. If someone stole ten bucks from me I'd be mad they didn't just ask but I'd probably forgive them eventually. If someone stole 10,000$ from me I'd call the cops. And probably never have them as a friend. Because the amount does matter.

 

I think people are so afraid of minimizing an affair the commit the human tendency of going to far the other way. You seem to think it means that means you had to forgive your spouse because her affair didn't last for years but that isn't the case. We can divorce without infidelity in a marriage we sure as hell can divorce because of a one night stand. But infidelity experts know that the longer the affair the lower the chance of reconciliation. This is based on actual numbers and not opinion. So that shows that the length of an affair does indeed matter. I mean think about it. If your best friend punches you in the face for no reason you could drop you friend without looking back because friends just don't do that. If your friend puts you in the hospital I can guarantee you the friendship is over.

 

The answer to the question of the thread not based on personal opinion but rather data gathered by infidelity experts is that yes, length of the affair can matter to some people. But it also might not. Still, if a wayward comes on here and says they have only had sex once would anyone tell them to keep on going the damage is done? Or would you say stop now before you do more damage.

 

"More damage"

 

It does matter.

 

I live my life like I agree with all of you that says it doesn't matter. I continue my path because I feel I am past the point of redemption. But from an outside perspective I believe that in infidelity there are levels of pain. It doesn't make the pain of a ONS less important or that it should be ignored. But if someone comes on here with a story about a 10 year affair I would hope no one dealing with a ONS shortly into the relationship would try to compare their situation. I know that my restarting with MM hurt my husband far more than my initial affair. And there is no physical contact now.

[Noirek]

Ya on paper you have a marriage but in reality everything that binds you is gone, the paper that says your married is only a public document. What marries you is your word, this is why you have witnesses at a wedding, to witness the speaking of the words that bind you in marriage. Your marriage document records the day you bond each other with your spoken vow and records for public knowledge who was there to witness it.

 

Why would someone believe that a 6 year affair makes no difference to that marriage if your still with the person you married? Infidelity is a breach of contract, a 6 year affair that includes emotions, sex, deceit, planning against your spouse is not just an affair it's a whole other life. Who plans and executes a mistake for 6 years? This marriage has been bludgeoned to near death for years, what is there to save? Your husband is the only one in the marriage, your still only part time, does he know you've had sex with O/M again? Time to tell him all the truth and let him decide his future.

 

This, this is the point I'm trying to make. The longer the affair the less chance of recovery. It just keeps going down. The longer the affair the more time that was stolen. More of your life taken away. More times to feel you should have known something. Just more.

[Mrs. John Adams]

John and I discussed this last night and he had some really good points.

I have always said a cheater is a cheater and never tried to "rank" them according to length or severity of the affair.

 

But he said a thief is a thief....if he stills $50 it is a misdemeanor....and if he steals $10000... It is a felony. So of course there is a difference.

 

I want to tell you..it was very freeing for me...I tend to be very hard on myself...

 

But this is how HE feels...and it can only be applied to him.

 

I know people that divorced after a ONS And who am I to say they did not do what was right for them.

 

I still say we cannot compare unless we have experienced both long and short.

My affair was very short....from the time I met the OM until it was over was one semester of college 15 weeks from start to finish. The time spent alone with the OM outside of the classroom was an hour. One hour changed our lives forever.

[Red123]

This, this is the point I'm trying to make. The longer the affair the less chance of recovery. It just keeps going down. The longer the affair the more time that was stolen. More of your life taken away. More times to feel you should have known something. Just more.

 

This was the reason that the length of his affair mattered to me. Feeling like the memories from that time frame were tainted in my mind because there was so much going on behind my back. I found out relatively fast so I had a shorter time frame to question than if it would have lasted longer. So many other factors were considered to make the choice to reconcile but that was one of them.

[harrybrown]

Bad example. If someone stole ten bucks from me I'd be mad they didn't just ask but I'd probably forgive them eventually. If someone stole 10,000$ from me I'd call the cops. And probably never have them as a friend. Because the amount does matter.

 

I think people are so afraid of minimizing an affair the commit the human tendency of going to far the other way. You seem to think it means that means you had to forgive your spouse because her affair didn't last for years but that isn't the case. We can divorce without infidelity in a marriage we sure as hell can divorce because of a one night stand. But infidelity experts know that the longer the affair the lower the chance of reconciliation. This is based on actual numbers and not opinion. So that shows that the length of an affair does indeed matter. I mean think about it. If your best friend punches you in the face for no reason you could drop you friend without looking back because friends just don't do that. If your friend puts you in the hospital I can guarantee you the friendship is over.

 

The answer to the question of the thread not based on personal opinion but rather data gathered by infidelity experts is that yes, length of the affair can matter to some people. But it also might not. Still, if a wayward comes on here and says they have only had sex once would anyone tell them to keep on going the damage is done? Or would you say stop now before you do more damage.

 

"More damage"

 

It does matter.

 

I live my life like I agree with all of you that says it doesn't matter. I continue my path because I feel I am past the point of redemption. But from an outside perspective I believe that in infidelity there are levels of pain. It doesn't make the pain of a ONS less important or that it should be ignored. But if someone comes on here with a story about a 10 year affair I would hope no one dealing with a ONS shortly into the relationship would try to compare their situation. I know that my restarting with MM hurt my husband far more than my initial affair. And there is no physical contact now.

 

 

Do you mean there is no physical contact with your husband now or no physical contact with the OM.

 

You can not stop hurting your H? An EA hurts. A PA hurts. Is there a way to stop hurting him?