Author Wondering33 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Nevermind, it wasn't helpful. What did you want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I met someone else & had a connection with him, that I didn't with my husband. I told my husband a year later & that I wanted a divorce, not for the OM buy because I realized that I could have another type of relationship, my husband had been my only bf. My husband begged me to stay & we'd get through this. Went to therapy & things got better for awhile & I had NC with OM, he moved on also. Then one night 2 years later my husbands DDay happened. I talked to the OW & instead of a sorry he packed his stuff & left. Easy for an outsider to second guess your choices - heck, probably easy for you also! When there's infidelity on both sides, things get complicated and messy quickly. BS and WS are very different roles, hard to wear both hats at once. Glad you're in a better place. Have read your other threads, hope you stay strong... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 My husband begged me to stay & we'd get through this. Went to therapy & things got better for awhile & I had NC with OM, he moved on also. Then one night 2 years later my husbands DDay happened. I talked to the OW & instead of a sorry he packed his stuff & left. I ran into my OM during this time & it restarted. During that time I felt no guilt. Then our first holiday apart came & my husband lost his mind & everything from both sides came out, the anger sadness, just everything. We decided to work on our marriage & it was the first time I saw him remorseful & after that I felt it too! & we conceived our 2nd child that night. Things have been very good since that night. Paternity test time? It appears that you went straight from OM back to BH/WH. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Paternity test time? It appears that you went straight from OM back to BH/WH. He can get a test the kids all he wants! The OM & I would only sleep together on average twice a year, in 6 years we had sex maybe 10-11 times. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I would like to think that in the face of genuine remorse I would be open to trying to work out a marriage if there had been a ONS. But No I wouldn't even try to deal if the affair was a full blown on-going long relationship. I have never had to face this so I don't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Easy for an outsider to second guess your choices - heck, probably easy for you also! When there's infidelity on both sides, things get complicated and messy quickly. BS and WS are very different roles, hard to wear both hats at once. Glad you're in a better place. Have read your other threads, hope you stay strong... Mr. Lucky Thank you! It has been hard but i feel I had to we both had to go through this to be who we are now & it's prepared us for future hard times. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 First this thread only asked about the length of the affair. Well OP left out what about the WS did during an affair. I have seen BH's stay and walk away from a ONS. I have seen BH's stay and walk away from a WW that banged the OM in triple digits. I have seen BH's stay and walk away from a WW that did things for the OM and will not do them for her BH. I have seen BH's stay and leave when the affair lasted for 1 month. I have seen BH's stay and walk away from affairs that went on for years. I have seen BH's stay and leave when the OM was a brother, brother in-law. I have seen BH's stay and leave when the OM knocked up the WW, and raise the OC. What have I seen? Well I will start with what you all should have seen. It is that it depends on the BH. For no matter what the WW did it was more then a BH can take then he will divorce his WW. Then for the BH that wants to recover his marriage he will stay. He will say thank god the affair was only 1 year, it could of gone on for 2 years. It could of been worse. Or they had sex 1 time, thank god it was only 1 time. They could of done it 100 times, thank god it could of been worse, for OM could of knocked up WW. It could of been worse. The point that you all should of seen if the BH does not want to recover having a make out session could be too much for him to accept. If the BH wants to recover his marriage then he will say thank god it could of been worse. So to all BH's you do what you think is right. Not what others think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I'm sure you'll get a different answer from everybody. For me, betrayal is betrayal and it doesn't matter whether it was a ONS or live-in cheating. I experienced both and, well, pain is pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 There is a difference between someone who has a one night stand and someone who lived a double life. One requires a momentarily lack of judgement, but the other requires a much deeper, more deceptive pathology that indicates deeper personality issues. There's a difference because there's a difference. However, I think a most BS who would accept an ONS would also accept a 10 year affair. Not because one is more acceptable, but because they lack the strength to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 There is a difference between someone who has a one night stand and someone who lived a double life. One requires a momentarily lack of judgement, but the other requires a much deeper, more deceptive pathology that indicates deeper personality issues. There's a difference because there's a difference. However, I think a most BS who would accept an ONS would also accept a 10 year affair. Not because one is more acceptable, but because they lack the strength to leave. It has nothing to do with being weak. Remember the BH was not looking to leave the marriage before D day. Also as the longer the marriage has been the more entangled the spouses lives are. Being divorced may mean they will lose more then staying married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I read a lot of people are remorseful but can someone be truly remorseful if A has lasted years?...can someone truly feel remorse or not have true feelings for the AP if it lasted a certain time period, like some say? In my personal experience it mattered. It hurt immensely that he had a short term affair and caused me to look back at everything that went on in our lives during that timeframe. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been to have had to that for a year, or 5 years. I also believe that he is truly remorseful and has been doing so much to show it. I don't know how I would handle it if he didn't show remorse, I don't understand why a WS would choose to stay if they weren't willing to put effort in, but I haven't had that experience so it's hard to say how I would react. I was pretty set on us splitting for good at DDay and here I am, so I don't like to say what I would do because I did what I said I would never do. Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 There is a difference between someone who has a one night stand and someone who lived a double life. One requires a momentarily lack of judgement, but the other requires a much deeper, more deceptive pathology that indicates deeper personality issues. There's a difference because there's a difference. However, I think a most BS who would accept an ONS would also accept a 10 year affair. Not because one is more acceptable, but because they lack the strength to leave. It requires great strength to go through reconciliation. It is not for the weak. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I really hate saying that reconciliation is not for the weak. I get the point, but it is offensive. It is for the committed. Some might say R is for the weak. Actually, just making it thru infidelity, R or D, requires strength. I think that working things out after long affairs, short affairs, EA's and PA's requires commitment. Those who D are not committed to their spouse or marriage any more due to betrayal as they are relieved of their duty to remain committed after a spouse breaches the marriage contract. End TJ. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 In my personal experience it mattered. It hurt immensely that he had a short term affair and caused me to look back at everything that went on in our lives during that timeframe. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been to have had to that for a year, or 5 years. I also believe that he is truly remorseful and has been doing so much to show it. I don't know how I would handle it if he didn't show remorse, I don't understand why a WS would choose to stay if they weren't willing to put effort in, but I haven't had that experience so it's hard to say how I would react. I was pretty set on us splitting for good at DDay and here I am, so I don't like to say what I would do because I did what I said I would never do. You do not have the experience so you do not know that it would matter. You can only speak from the point of view, say 5 months, for you did not have to deal with an affair that was 5 years long. So you only can guess that 5 years could of been a deal breaker. Guessing is not knowing. That is why after the D day shock wears off and the BS decides to recover it is because they want that. So they will say thank god the affair was only 5 years, it could of been worse it could of been 6 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 There is a difference between someone who has a one night stand and someone who lived a double life. One requires a momentarily lack of judgement, but the other requires a much deeper, more deceptive pathology that indicates deeper personality issues. There's a difference because there's a difference. However, I think a most BS who would accept an ONS would also accept a 10 year affair. Not because one is more acceptable, but because they lack the strength to leave. Ok, to you there's a difference. But, really, betrayal is betrayal. Maybe you think it would be harder to reconcile after a LTR because - what? More lies and more sex than a STA or ONS? Yeah, I suppose that might matter to some BS's - but certainly not all of us. I don't know why it's important to assign a weighting to one kind of infidelity vs. another kind. If you think you could accept a ONS easier than a different form of cheating then it's very likely you are not a BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I really hate saying that reconciliation is not for the weak. I get the point, but it is offensive. It is for the committed. Some might say R is for the weak. Actually, just making it thru infidelity, R or D, requires strength. I think that working things out after long affairs, short affairs, EA's and PA's requires commitment. Those who D are not committed to their spouse or marriage any more due to betrayal as they are relieved of their duty to remain committed after a spouse breaches the marriage contract. End TJ. Why is it offensive? I by no means stated that divorce is for the weak. I. Fact I feel the complete opposite. I was responding to the statement that as a BS a don't have the strength to leave. That to me means I'm weak. This is one of the hardest things I have to do so far and strength has been needed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 You do not have the experience so you do not know that it would matter. You can only speak from the point of view, say 5 months, for you did not have to deal with an affair that was 5 years long. So you only can guess that 5 years could of been a deal breaker. Guessing is not knowing. That is why after the D day shock wears off and the BS decides to recover it is because they want that. So they will say thank god the affair was only 5 years, it could of been worse it could of been 6 years. I didn't say it would've been a deal breaker. I said I don't know but I do know how hard it has been to process 4 months of my life due to his A, I'm sure the longer I would have had to do that for the harder it would be. It's not a guess, I'm sure I would have had longer to not know what was going on behind my back simply because I was being lied to longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Ok, to you there's a difference. But, really, betrayal is betrayal. Maybe you think it would be harder to reconcile after a LTR because - what? More lies and more sex than a STA or ONS? Yeah, I suppose that might matter to some BS's - but certainly not all of us. I don't know why it's important to assign a weighting to one kind of infidelity vs. another kind. If you think you could accept a ONS easier than a different form of cheating then it's very likely you are not a BS. I can't imagine anyone wishing their spouse's affair had lasted longer. Can you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I can't imagine anyone wishing their spouse's affair had lasted longer. Can you? No, but neither have I heard someone say "everything would be OK if only the affair was shorter" ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 The question was asked for people to respond to their experience, I'm not sure why my stating that the time frame of the affair did matter in my experience isn't valid. It was a factor in my decision to stay. I don't know what I would have done if it was longer but it weighed in. The more time I spend with anyone the more I get to know them, the more intimacy we have between us the quick my feelings grow for a person, the more genuine my interactions with others are the faster our relationship builds. Every detail of his affair was factor that I had to decide if I could live with going forward in order to decide if I could stay. I think every BS has to do this based on their situation. My decision to stay wasn't out of lack of strength, I have my own career, our kids are older, I have lots of friends, and we don't have any status to worry about as we live in a huge city where we are only known in our circles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 No, but neither have I heard someone say "everything would be OK if only the affair was shorter" ... Mr. Lucky Actuall yes, some have but then are told it doesn't matter and their feelings are invalidated. Why does it bother people so much that a ten year affair is harder for most people than a two week one? It doesn't invalidate their pain over a short term affair and it doesn't mean they need to be happy. It is just being realistic. There are plenty of people that would give a second chance if it was a one time occurance or short but don't because they find out their partner was cheating the entire time they are married. And there are plenty of people it doesn't matter to. We are all so different it seems wrong to tell people that the length of an affair doesn't matter, end of story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) Actuall yes, some have but then are told it doesn't matter and their feelings are invalidated. Why does it bother people so much that a ten year affair is harder for most people than a two week one? It doesn't invalidate their pain over a short term affair and it doesn't mean they need to be happy. It is just being realistic. There are plenty of people that would give a second chance if it was a one time occurance or short but don't because they find out their partner was cheating the entire time they are married. And there are plenty of people it doesn't matter to. We are all so different it seems wrong to tell people that the length of an affair doesn't matter, end of story. If one wants to be truly Realistic...EVERYONE here within the confines of their marriage has..A DEALBREAKER... In my case,and many BHs here feel the same way...I could give a SH*T about how long it was..what her feelings were or what her unmet needs were.. Instead of coming to me ( a BH)..she CHOSE to lie,deceive and betray me and have sex with another man...1 time or 100 times ..It matters Not.. She chose to be with the OM..that was HER CHOICE....In my case I burned Everything to the ground...The OM and his family..had them fired both from their jobs..and in the process she lost all her family due to her stupid choices...and that was my Choice not hers....Badkarma Edited March 13, 2015 by badkarma2013 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Badkarma...remind me to never get on your badside:D 2 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Badkarma...remind me to never get on your badside:D That my Dear Mrs. Adams, will never happen...Badkarma 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 There is a difference between someone who has a one night stand and someone who lived a double life. One requires a momentarily lack of judgement, but the other requires a much deeper, more deceptive pathology that indicates deeper personality issues. There's a difference because there's a difference. However, I think a most BS who would accept an ONS would also accept a 10 year affair. Not because one is more acceptable, but because they lack the strength to leave. I think there are those that would argue (myself included) it takes much more strength to stay. But I know I could never accept a LTA but like anything until any of us are tested it's just pure speculation. No one really knows what they would do until it happens to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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