Husband thinks I'm a cheater, can our marriage survive without trust?

[whichwayisup]

Elias33, I have discussed all of this with him, and he has promised to make the effort in the past, and I've given up all of my friends and anything that makes him uneasy with no results. Last night, while he was drunk, I asked him if we could see a marriage counselor, he asked why and I responded that ever since he told me that he didn't/never/will never fully trust me, it's all I could think about. I told him that I didn't want to bring children into the world when we needed to work on us. I've repeatedly told him that I'm willing to work on me, and I continue to try to better myself each and every day. It just doesn't seem fair (I know life's not fair) that he refuses to work on himself. He is starting to drink more and that worries me too. It makes me wonder how different life would be if I had chosen Canada over him, I would never cheat, but even thinking those thoughts makes me extremely uncomfortable.

 

Luckily, he agreed to marriage counseling, hopefully he'll remember that agreement today when he's sober.

 

First off, he has to stop drinking as it's messing with his head and he's being an a-hole when he drinks. It's his crutch. AA can help so DO bring this up in counseling. If he refuses to go then separate. This man for some reason married you when he didn't trust you and since you've been married you've given him no reason to mistrust you like this. He is punishing you for something that happened 3 years ago and it's not fair to you now that he is drinking and taking it out on you.

 

Gonna read more of your thread, but I just wanted to reply to you.

[anika99]

Chi townD, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's abusive, I've been in a relationship riddled with abuse before and this is heaven compared to that, but I will say that he has been increasingly controlling. Ever since the, "I think you're cheating on me, I don't trust you" mishap, he has been going through all of my accounts and phone and other things, telling me who I cannot hang out with, requesting that I clean out my friends list on Facebook (I'm 22 and am an animal rescuer, I foster with many organizations, hence I have many friends). Because I want to make him happy, I dyed my hair, ditched my friends, have spent less time at the barn (my happy place) and dedicated all my time to sitting on the couch across from him so that I don't end up on thin ice. He feels that I make poor decisions, I try to make only the best decisions I'm capable of so that I don't spend days/weeks in silence (the silent treatment is his weapon of choice, he can go for weeks). The drinking is starting to contribute to these behaviors as last night he got a little physical after I repeatedly told him to stop. These are just little things that get taken a little too far, but they add up in my stress level and my blood pressure! He really is wonderful, I'm just nitpicking, but he really is a great man. I just need him to communicate and work with me a little bit!

 

 

OP I agree with the posters who feel that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You may not be seeing it because you are comparing your husband to a past abuser who was a lot more blatant and violent but your home should not be a place where you feel stressed out and under attack. Going home to your spouse should feel like retreating to a safe haven. It's shouldn't feel like a place where you have to walk on egg shells and spend all day just sitting in the house with him just to ensure that you don't set him off on a tirade of false accusations and or criticisms. That is no way live. You feel like you are nitpicking but this kind of subtle abuse is actually sneaky and insidious because you don't realize how deeply it affects you right away. It kind of slowly erodes your self esteem and self worth and one day you wake up and realize that you are not the person you used to be.

 

 

I am also greatly concerned at the sudden change in your husbands attitude right after marriage. Reminds me of an ex who changed right after I moved in with him. I was poor and he thought I wouldn't or couldn't leave due to my low income. He had always been kind and caring towards me. He did have a somewhat dominate personality but never abusive. I thought I had found my mr right but just one week after I moved in with him he suddenly showed me another side. I still saw the good guy in him too but he had an abusive dark side that he deliberately hid from me until he thought he had me trapped. It started to slip out in brief intervals and then over time it escalated. This is my worry for you. That this is just the beginning and it's going to get worse.

 

 

Don't let your past abuse cloud your judgement on this. It doesn't matter that you have been abused worse in the past. You don't deserve any abuse from anyone, ever. Now is the time to set some boundaries for yourself and let your husband know that you expect to be treated as a respected equal in your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Rainbowlove, I will absolutely discuss everything I can think of in counseling! I agree that my husband is wonderful, and I also agree that there is a lot more under the surface that he won't talk about and that his defense mechanism of not talking to me at all for days on end is not healthy for either of us. The drinking will be definitely be addressed!

It's one thing for him to not talk to you (if he's had a tough shift at work), it's another that he doesn't communicate in general and turns to booze. Hate to say it but many cops have drinking problems, it kind of goes with the job...His drinking IS out of control and his behaviour towards you is not right, giving you the silent treatment is cruel and intentional.

 

I do hope marriage counseling helps. If not, don't be afraid to walk away.. Love is love but you need more than that to survive and thrive in a marriage. There's no time limit here when things get sorted out in counseling, he needs to change his ways and you both can learn to communicate better... but number one the drinking has to be addressed, he needs help with that! Is he open to doing to AA?

[SaveYourHeart]

It's one thing for him to not talk to you (if he's had a tough shift at work), it's another that he doesn't communicate in general and turns to booze. Hate to say it but many cops have drinking problems, it kind of goes with the job...His drinking IS out of control and his behaviour towards you is not right, giving you the silent treatment is cruel and intentional.

 

I do hope marriage counseling helps. If not, don't be afraid to walk away.. Love is love but you need more than that to survive and thrive in a marriage. There's no time limit here when things get sorted out in counseling, he needs to change his ways and you both can learn to communicate better... but number one the drinking has to be addressed, he needs help with that! Is he open to doing to AA?

His mom is an angry drunk, I don't think he'd be ok with going to AA meetings, he usually only drinks on his off days but the amount that he consumes is worrisome. I will address it in marriage counseling.

[road]

His mom is an angry drunk, I don't think he'd be ok with going to AA meetings, he usually only drinks on his off days but the amount that he consumes is worrisome. I will address it in marriage counseling.

 

 

 

He is a functioning alcoholic.

[SaveYourHeart]

OP I agree with the posters who feel that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You may not be seeing it because you are comparing your husband to a past abuser who was a lot more blatant and violent but your home should not be a place where you feel stressed out and under attack. Going home to your spouse should feel like retreating to a safe haven. It's shouldn't feel like a place where you have to walk on egg shells and spend all day just sitting in the house with him just to ensure that you don't set him off on a tirade of false accusations and or criticisms. That is no way live. You feel like you are nitpicking but this kind of subtle abuse is actually sneaky and insidious because you don't realize how deeply it affects you right away. It kind of slowly erodes your self esteem and self worth and one day you wake up and realize that you are not the person you used to be.

 

 

I am also greatly concerned at the sudden change in your husbands attitude right after marriage. Reminds me of an ex who changed right after I moved in with him. I was poor and he thought I wouldn't or couldn't leave due to my low income. He had always been kind and caring towards me. He did have a somewhat dominate personality but never abusive. I thought I had found my mr right but just one week after I moved in with him he suddenly showed me another side. I still saw the good guy in him too but he had an abusive dark side that he deliberately hid from me until he thought he had me trapped. It started to slip out in brief intervals and then over time it escalated. This is my worry for you. That this is just the beginning and it's going to get worse.

 

 

Don't let your past abuse cloud your judgement on this. It doesn't matter that you have been abused worse in the past. You don't deserve any abuse from anyone, ever. Now is the time to set some boundaries for yourself and let your husband know that you expect to be treated as a respected equal in your marriage.

It does seem strange that after we got married he started to act differently. I think dyeing my hair back red is more than likely triggering bad memories, but he fell in love with me when I had red hair, so I thought it was ok. My family moved out of state last year, and since I've ditched my friends, I don't have too many shoulders to cry on. I don't think he means to be emotionally abusive, but I am sincerely tired of walking on eggshells. Hopefully marriage counseling can fix this. Thank you for your response!

[BetrayedH]

Just my $.02

 

I'm not prepared to call him an alcoholic considering that he typically only drinks on days off. I suppose he could be a binge alcoholic if he typically drinks to excess.

 

I'm not prepared to call him an abuser over one recent incident of getting "a little physical" when you listed some mitigating factors (if I read you right, I'm guessing you're into him being dominant and he didn't quite gather that your "no" actually meant "no"). If you don't have an established safe word, you might wanna discuss green, yellow, and red as some simple ones.

 

I think much of the "controlling" issues may be resultant from his trust issues (which are not completely imaginary but in fact, linked to some dishonest behavior on your part).

 

It's also possible that he is an abuser and control freak at heart - I think you should keep delving into this and to start enforcing more healthy boundaries for yourself. The fact that he's open to MC is huge and I'm very hopeful for you in that regard. That said, many start and then decide to quit when confronted. I think you should think long and hard about how critical MC really is for the two of you. I wouldn't allow it to be optional. These problems NEED to be fixed and you need a safe environment to talk with a professional acting as a mediator. I honestly believe you should consider this an ultimatum. You can keep making MC appointments or you can make an appointment with a family law attorney. Keeping the status quo is not an acceptable option.

 

As I said earlier, I do think you need to embrace transparency in order to rebuild trust. In addition to the options for him to investigate whenever he wants, I'd also make it sure that he knows you'll gladly send him a photo of wherever you are whenever he wants it. Give him no excuse to doubt your whereabouts. And I would keep strict boundaries around men (don't be alone with them). However, you still have friends and come and go as you please (within reason, of course - no coming home at 4am after a night of drinking without your hubby, etc). He can monitor you if he needs but you won't sit on the couch.

 

Again, that's my $.02 and I don't have any specialized degrees to back it up. Frankly, I think the percentage of idiots with degrees is about equivalent to those without.

[SaveYourHeart]

Just my $.02

 

I'm not prepared to call him an alcoholic considering that he typically only drinks on days off. I suppose he could be a binge alcoholic if he typically drinks to excess.

 

I'm not prepared to call him an abuser over one recent incident of getting "a little physical" when you listed some mitigating factors (if I read you right, I'm guessing you're into him being dominant and he didn't quite gather that your "no" actually meant "no"). If you don't have an established safe word, you might wanna discuss green, yellow, and red as some simple ones.

 

I think much of the "controlling" issues may be resultant from his trust issues (which are not completely imaginary but in fact, linked to some dishonest behavior on your part).

 

It's also possible that he is an abuser and control freak at heart - I think you should keep delving into this and to start enforcing more healthy boundaries for yourself. The fact that he's open to MC is huge and I'm very hopeful for you in that regard. That said, many start and then decide to quit when confronted. I think you should think long and hard about how critical MC really is for the two of you. I wouldn't allow it to be optional. These problems NEED to be fixed and you need a safe environment to talk with a professional acting as a mediator. I honestly believe you should consider this an ultimatum. You can keep making MC appointments or you can make an appointment with a family law attorney. Keeping the status quo is not an acceptable option.

 

As I said earlier, I do think you need to embrace transparency in order to rebuild trust. In addition to the options for him to investigate whenever he wants, I'd also make it sure that he knows you'll gladly send him a photo of wherever you are whenever he wants it. Give him no excuse to doubt your whereabouts. And I would keep strict boundaries around men (don't be alone with them). However, you still have friends and come and go as you please (within reason, of course - no coming home at 4am after a night of drinking without your hubby, etc). He can monitor you if he needs but you won't sit on the couch.

 

Again, that's my $.02 and I don't have any specialized degrees to back it up. Frankly, I think the percentage of idiots with degrees is about equivalent to those without.

I really do appreciate your $.02! I'm hoping that marriage counseling can really help us, I am going to be as transparent as I can possibly be. Luckily, if it doesn't work out, I work for a family law attorney and can draft and file my own paperwork. Hopefully it doesn't result in that seeing as we have animals that I can't bear to part with, I also really love his family. I can't imagine life without him. I know I need to put my life/needs/happiness first.

[BetrayedH]

I really do appreciate your $.02! I'm hoping that marriage counseling can really help us, I am going to be as transparent as I can possibly be. Luckily, if it doesn't work out, I work for a family law attorney and can draft and file my own paperwork. Hopefully it doesn't result in that seeing as we have animals that I can't bear to part with, I also really love his family. I can't imagine life without him. I know I need to put my life/needs/happiness first.

 

You NEED to be ABLE to envision a life without him or you'll find yourself unable to enforce things that should be dealbreakers. It takes two to make a marriage work and only one to ruin it. You cannot control him but you can control yourself. And I don't mean to sound flippant but if people can manage to divorce and deal with coparenting, you've got to come to grips with how you would deal with pets. That can't be the obstacle to a divorce if one is merited. I'm not saying that your happiness has to come before all things but ultimately if you're unwilling or unable to enforce your boundaries, then they're not really boundaries at all (and your H will walk all over you). I think the MC is very positive but keep yourself in a position where your needs really are respected as much as his.

 

Best of luck.

[Raines]

Do you think marriage can survive without trust? What should I do?

 

 

 

No, I don't think it can work without full trust, which is why I'm not a big fan of reconciliation after cheating has occurred.<-- I know you didn't cheat, just a comment on trust.

 

 

Having said that, although what you did wasn't the most horrible thing on the face of the earth, your husband sounds like me. I'm not a fan of being multidated. Granted it was a short month and you picked him. While I understand what is going through his mind, you didn't let this go on and on, and like you said....you chose him.

 

 

Perhaps you can get into MC and tell the story. Maybe a MC can help him see that you were winding down with one person so you could be with him?

 

 

And you know, sometimes the threat of divorce might be enough to snap him out of it. Not saying you want to threaten him, nor should you, but if nothing improves and you talk about divorce, then he may try a little harder to see that 1, you didn't exactly cheat, and 2, you ended all communications with the other guy so you could choose him.

[No Limit]

Sorry but you really need to get out of this marriage. He's an alcoholic fool who in my opinion is emotionally abusing you - notice how it's you and only you who needs to work and change? And he keeps getting mad making you more and more insecure? A little tip for the future; whenever someone asks you to basically isolate yourself as some weird proof of love something's off.

[thummper]

Read your story. Sins of omission do oft times come back to bite us on the posterior. Should have never made that "secret" trip, but I guess you know that now. The big question is can you continue to live in a relationship with someone who, apparently, will NEVER trust you again and who sees "cheating" everywhere he looks? Your hubby sounds very paranoid and abusive. You really might want to consider moving on cuz it doesn't sound like it's going to improve in the future.

[Noirek]

Read your story. Sins of omission do oft times come back to bite us on the posterior. Should have never made that "secret" trip, but I guess you know that now. The big question is can you continue to live in a relationship with someone who, apparently, will NEVER trust you again and who sees "cheating" everywhere he looks? Your hubby sounds very paranoid and abusive. You really might want to consider moving on cuz it doesn't sound like it's going to improve in the future.

 

If you read her story again you will see that while she visited this band a month after she started dating her now husband he figured it out before she got back, confronted her and they "worked it out". Then a year later they got engaged. A few months ago (three years past the incident) he is dragging it up and throwing it in her face and also drinking more.

 

She has done nothing wrong. He confronted her, this isn't a recent discovery. The lie of omission happened three years ago and was discovered three years ago. She owned it then. This is entirely on his shoulders and his issue to deal with. If he had just found out about the visit to the band the story will be entirely different.

 

She didn't cheat. She doesn't need to feel guilty.

[thummper]

If you read her story again you will see that while she visited this band a month after she started dating her now husband he figured it out before she got back, confronted her and they "worked it out". Then a year later they got engaged. A few months ago (three years past the incident) he is dragging it up and throwing it in her face and also drinking more.

 

She has done nothing wrong. He confronted her, this isn't a recent discovery. The lie of omission happened three years ago and was discovered three years ago. She owned it then. This is entirely on his shoulders and his issue to deal with. If he had just found out about the visit to the band the story will be entirely different.

 

She didn't cheat. She doesn't need to feel guilty.

 

 

Oh, I never for a minute thought she actually cheated. Since they were not married at the time, I guess they both figured, "Where's the harm?" and went on with their plans. I think MAYBE (although we'll never know for sure) the husband started thinking about that 5-hour trip and what might have happened between his now-wife and her friend from Canada. Perhaps his distrust of her started from thoughts related to that trip. I don't know, are there instances related here on LS of men (or women) who, years after the fact, began questioning their SO's about imagined infidelities? Wouldn't surprise me. I do wish our OP luck in her future, whatever she decides to do. Personally, I wouldn't be able to continually deal with my partner's mistrust, especially if it's totally undeserved.