LifeWasted Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 We were very recently exclusive, we hadn't yet decided on it, but his roommate basically told everyone on his squad that we were exclusive, so we just went with it. I was wrong to start a relationship when I wasn't sure whether or not I was ready for a relationship, but I did it and I'm glad I did. I just wish that I would have cut off Canada right then, instead of investigating my feelings. . Nope. You were not exclusive, no matter what his friends said. Unless you and him sat down and agreed to date no others...you were not exclusive. You were just a chick he was dating and sleeping with. He has no legs to stand on here. He told me that he made the dating profile just to see if anyone he knew was on them, that Craigslist browsing was part of his job (prostitutes), and that porn really was an issue. I freaked out, we talked it out, I got over it and forgave him. I asked him to just tell me about it and not let me find out about it on my own. Since then, I've trusted him to tell me the truth and have not been through his phone or computer. Bull. He was trolling for some side action. And I think he found some. He's totally dumping his guilt on you and trying everything he can to justify what he did, hence the bringing up of you and Canada. Have cop-boy take a lie detector. Then you take one too. See who is really lying here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Do you think he is cheating on you? Funny to me that his Craigslist/dating site thing did not end up with some kind of end results. Seems to me he might be projecting some guilt. I would start doing some sleuthing. Those were exactly my first thoughts too. If he is cheating, then accusing you of cheating shifts the focus from him onto you and creates a smokescreen. You are then so preoccupied in proving your innocence to him that he can get away with just about anything. Because you "wronged" him in the past, he can always pull out that card on you; he is then always seen as the innocent one and you are always the "guilty" one... Some cheaters because they cheat, cannot believe that others are not cheating on them too, hence the continual trust issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Wow, the more you talk, the more information comes to light on a problem that was always there and never resolved. Porn website. Not a big deal. If the worst he was doing was looking at images on a screen....well, I can tell you about 50 worse things he could have been doing. Guys are very visual creatures, but we also know that porn isn't real. To a guy, porn is like watching sports. Just the naked kind. The craiglist and dating websites was probably him weighting the possibilities of what was out there if he was subconsciously thinking that you've always wanted the Canadian dude and you just settled for him. Therefore, he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just as long as he never acted on it. But, that needs to be discussed in counseling as well. You have to realize that you did, in fact, cheat on him. It may have not been physical, but you were emotionally invested in another dude. So much so, that you dedicated an enter day to travel long distances just to see this guy. You cheated on him by leaving and being with someone else you were interested in. You cheated him out of equality time that could have been spent with him. So, in a way. That can be viewed as an emotional affair. I mean, if the shoe was on the other foot and he started an online friendship with one of these girls on these dating websites and you found out that he traveled over 5 hours to meet up with her; even if he came back swearing that nothing happened, I speculate you wouldn't be too happy. You would have probably ended the relationship. I'm not bashing on you, I just want you to see it through his point of view. But, that was in the past and I believe that you are dedicated to your husband and that he is the one and only man for you. You just got to get HIM to believe it. Yes, I completely understand that I was emotionally invested in someone else and that it was unacceptable. I thank my lucky stars every day that he forgave me, I just wish he could learn to trust me again. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes, I completely understand that I was emotionally invested in someone else and that it was unacceptable. I thank my lucky stars every day that he forgave me, I just wish he could learn to trust me again. That will eventually come, but it may be years down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Save Your Heart, Throw all your cards on the table in MC. There's more than mistrust going on here. Control issues, resentment, possible infidelity... Explore it all. I didn't realize your H was a police officer. I'm a former police officer. I know how the boyz operate. I know the brotherhood well. I've seen the drinking, the abuse, and the cheating that often (not always) is accompanied with the job. All of those things are prevalent within that line of work, which is mainly why I left. I'm not saying it is happening, but it's worth looking into it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Save Your Heart, Throw all your cards on the table in MC. There's more than mistrust going on here. Control issues, resentment, possible infidelity... Explore it all. I didn't realize your H was a police officer. I'm a former police officer. I know how the boyz operate. I know the brotherhood well. I've seen the drinking, the abuse, and the cheating that often (not always) is accompanied with the job. All of those things are prevalent within that line of work, which is mainly why I left. I'm not saying it is happening, but it's worth looking into it. When we started dating, he used to tell my how awful the other officers were and how he had an old roommate/coworker who cheated on his girlfriend in our house, he kicked him out and told him to never come back. I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, and I really do trust him about that. I think that temptation calls sometimes and a lot of us get caught up in looking and thinking, but as long as no actions are taken everything is fine. I will say that the drinking really really worries me, his mom is an angry alcoholic and slowly but surely, he's catching up with her. Some things he does while he's drunk and he thinks it's funny are not funny at all, more dangerous than anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Nah, I don't think he's cheating. Cops tend to be the most paranoid people on the planet. I've worked with a bunch and I don't blame them. I mean, they get lied to everyday! "No Officer, I don't know how that 10 lbs bag of pot ended up under my bed in my house, but it's not mine!" Uh huh...right... I mean, maybe I reading this thread wrong. But, he isn't being a bad guy. He isn't mistreating her or abusing her. And is sounds like they have a pretty solid marriage. It almost sounds like he was expressing his mistrust as "a matter of fact" That, due to what happened in the past, he doesn't 100% trust her. I think she stated that he trusted her 92.5% just not 100% and that's not sitting well with her. But, I do think his paranoia has increased since he's been triggering with the red hair. Questioning her whereabouts. But, I think that's caused by the trigger. And could be the cause of the increased drinking. But, also cops are know to develop drinking problems all on there own. So, that needs to be addressed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Nah, I don't think he's cheating. Cops tend to be the most paranoid people on the planet. I've worked with a bunch and I don't blame them. I mean, they get lied to everyday! "No Officer, I don't know how that 10 lbs bag of pot ended up under my bed in my house, but it's not mine!" Uh huh...right... I mean, maybe I reading this thread wrong. But, he isn't being a bad guy. He isn't mistreating her or abusing her. And is sounds like they have a pretty solid marriage. It almost sounds like he was expressing his mistrust as "a matter of fact" That, due to what happened in the past, he doesn't 100% trust her. I think she stated that he trusted her 92.5% just not 100% and that's not sitting well with her. But, I do think his paranoia has increased since he's been triggering with the red hair. Questioning her whereabouts. But, I think that's caused by the trigger. And could be the cause of the increased drinking. But, also cops are know to develop drinking problems all on there own. So, that needs to be addressed. He's a wonderful man, Chi townD, just doesn't trust me when I thought he did. I didn't even think about marriage counseling until someone said something about it on this website yesterday. Hopefully a safe place where we can express our feelings out loud will really help us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 He isn't mistreating her or abusing her. I respectfully disagree. There are some abuse issues going on here...it's not physical, but it's mental and emotional. He's controlling her life and using mistrust as a reason. She's given up all of her friends for him and anything else that sets him off. That's a major red flag, SYH. Talk about this in MC as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 You've lost yourself in this marriage. You've lost your friends. You've lost your voice. Losing yourself in a relationship is more detrimental than anything... As you begin to find yourself and your voice in the marriage, expect him to push back harder. Stay firm. If you don't, you'll lose your marriage anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 I respectfully disagree. There are some abuse issues going on here...it's not physical, but it's mental and emotional. He's controlling her life and using mistrust as a reason. She's given up all of her friends for him and anything else that sets him off. That's a major red flag, SYH. Talk about this in MC as well. Rainbowlove, I will absolutely discuss everything I can think of in counseling! I agree that my husband is wonderful, and I also agree that there is a lot more under the surface that he won't talk about and that his defense mechanism of not talking to me at all for days on end is not healthy for either of us. The drinking will be definitely be addressed! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I respectfully disagree. There are some abuse issues going on here...it's not physical, but it's mental and emotional. He's controlling her life and using mistrust as a reason. She's given up all of her friends for him and anything else that sets him off. That's a major red flag, SYH. Talk about this in MC as well. Agreed. That's no way to live. He's overcompensating because he's guilty of something. Cheaters think everyone else cheat too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 You've lost yourself in this marriage. You've lost your friends. You've lost your voice. Losing yourself in a relationship is more detrimental than anything... As you begin to find yourself and your voice in the marriage, expect him to push back harder. Stay firm. If you don't, you'll lose your marriage anyway. Losing myself is something that has always concerned me, the meth head before my relationship with H caused me to lose a lot of myself, a lot of my heart, and everything and everyone around me. My own mother couldn't look at me (I was 19 at the time). My husband helped me rebuild myself and I really started to love the person I had become, then my world started crashing down all over again because of the trust issue. I have questioned every single thing I've done and every mistake I've made since he told me that he didn't trust me. I don't want to lose myself again. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 He's a wonderful man, Chi townD, just doesn't trust me when I thought he did. I didn't even think about marriage counseling until someone said something about it on this website yesterday. Hopefully a safe place where we can express our feelings out loud will really help us. Well, I'm really happy to hear that he's agreeable to going to counseling. A lot of guys normally don't want to go. But, I truly think that the BIGGEST problem in relationships is people don't know how to really communicate with each other. Not just talk to each other. But to talk, listen and understand each other. I mean, you guys didn't communicate well with each other if you're just now discovering this three years later! A counselor is going to help you with this. Plus! This counselor is going to give you guys homework. You really need to sit down and do it. And while you're going through counseling always, always, always continue to SHOW him (don't tell him) how important he is to you. How you belong to him as much as he belongs to you. And I'm requesting that you keep this thread going! I'm getting excited about he idea of you two fixing your marriage and we rarely get success stories here. It would be refreshing to read and may give others hope. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Rainbowlove, I will absolutely discuss everything I can think of in counseling! I agree that my husband is wonderful, and I also agree that there is a lot more under the surface that he won't talk about and that his defense mechanism of not talking to me at all for days on end is not healthy for either of us. The drinking will be definitely be addressed! It's a hard job. It changes people. They see the worst in people everyday and that leads to excessive drinking, domestic abuse, high divorce and suicide rates. I know I don't have to tell you all of this, but I am anyway I have no doubt he's a good man. He's probably stuffing a lot of emotions associated with the job. The problem is because their jobs are so out of control and volatile, they over compensate by controlling what they can...spouses and family. They also believe they can police the "home". Been there and done that. You have your work cut out for you. We are here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I respectfully disagree. There are some abuse issues going on here...it's not physical, but it's mental and emotional. He's controlling her life and using mistrust as a reason. She's given up all of her friends for him and anything else that sets him off. That's a major red flag, SYH. Talk about this in MC as well. Okay, where exactly is this mental and emotional abuse. I re-read her original post and I don't see where she gave up friends. Where is he controlling her life? She still goes places, he not locking her up or forbid her to go out. As a matter of fact, she stated that funds are tight so she looks for inexpensive things to do, but because he's triggering, the cheater accusation comes out. He may question her whereabouts because he's triggering and that probably gets annoying as hell; but, I wouldn't classify that as abuse. She even says it herself that he's a wonderful man and gives her everything she wants, except the one thing that is fundamental in every relationship and that is 100% trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Okay, where exactly is this mental and emotional abuse. I re-read her original post and I don't see where she gave up friends. Where is he controlling her life? She still goes places, he not locking her up or forbid her to go out. As a matter of fact, she stated that funds are tight so she looks for inexpensive things to do, but because he's triggering, the cheater accusation comes out. He may question her whereabouts because he's triggering and that probably gets annoying as hell; but, I wouldn't classify that as abuse. I'll let the OP answer this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Please, because I agree with your "policing" the home made a lot more sense to me and I totally agree with that than the one I quoted you on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I've given up all of my friends and anything that makes him uneasy with no results. This is the place she talks about giving up friends and anything that makes him uneasy. Isolation is a major red flag of abuse, Chi town. Along with the drinking, controlling behavior, going through her personal belongings... I'm not saying he's a bad man. Clearly, however, there's some form of abuse going on in their relationships and it will only escalate. Abuse doesn't always equal a bruise, black eye or scar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Please, because I agree with your "policing" the home made a lot more sense to me and I totally agree with that than the one I quoted you on. Chi townD, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's abusive, I've been in a relationship riddled with abuse before and this is heaven compared to that, but I will say that he has been increasingly controlling. Ever since the, "I think you're cheating on me, I don't trust you" mishap, he has been going through all of my accounts and phone and other things, telling me who I cannot hang out with, requesting that I clean out my friends list on Facebook (I'm 22 and am an animal rescuer, I foster with many organizations, hence I have many friends). Because I want to make him happy, I dyed my hair, ditched my friends, have spent less time at the barn (my happy place) and dedicated all my time to sitting on the couch across from him so that I don't end up on thin ice. He feels that I make poor decisions, I try to make only the best decisions I'm capable of so that I don't spend days/weeks in silence (the silent treatment is his weapon of choice, he can go for weeks). The drinking is starting to contribute to these behaviors as last night he got a little physical after I repeatedly told him to stop. These are just little things that get taken a little too far, but they add up in my stress level and my blood pressure! He really is wonderful, I'm just nitpicking, but he really is a great man. I just need him to communicate and work with me a little bit! Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Chi townD, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's abusive, I've been in a relationship riddled with abuse before and this is heaven compared to that, but I will say that he has been increasingly controlling. Ever since the, "I think you're cheating on me, I don't trust you" mishap, he has been going through all of my accounts and phone and other things, telling me who I cannot hang out with, requesting that I clean out my friends list on Facebook (I'm 22 and am an animal rescuer, I foster with many organizations, hence I have many friends). Because I want to make him happy, I dyed my hair, ditched my friends, have spent less time at the barn (my happy place) and dedicated all my time to sitting on the couch across from him so that I don't end up on thin ice. He feels that I make poor decisions, I try to make only the best decisions I'm capable of so that I don't spend days/weeks in silence (the silent treatment is his weapon of choice, he can go for weeks). The drinking is starting to contribute to these behaviors as last night he got a little physical after I repeatedly told him to stop. These are just little things that get taken a little too far, but they add up in my stress level and my blood pressure! He really is wonderful, I'm just nitpicking, but he really is a great man. I just need him to communicate and work with me a little bit! Please take a look at this. The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 This is the place she talks about giving up friends and anything that makes him uneasy. Isolation is a major red flag of abuse, Chi town. Along with the drinking, controlling behavior, going through her personal belongings... I'm not saying he's a bad man. Clearly, however, there's some form of abuse going on in their relationships and it will only escalate. Abuse doesn't always equal a bruise, black eye or scar. Yeah, but that's self imposed isolation. Because she feels that she doesn't want to rock the boat. He never forced her to give anything up. She gave it up to satisfy his mistrust. Yeah, it's screwed up but I STILL wouldn't classify that as emotional and mental abuse. I really do believe he's triggering and acting out. But for someone that willingly knows that they are controlling someone doesn't want to give up that power. Therefore, there would be NO WAY he would agree to go to counseling and giving that power and control to a counselor in a neutral environment. I guess it boils down to we have different idea's a what abuse is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) I STILL wouldn't classify that as emotional and mental abuse. I'm not trying to be rude, but are you a mental health professional? Have you worked at a women's rape centers and homeless center? Have you counseled battered women? Do you have a degree in Women's Studies? Have you taught Women's Self-defense for 10 years?? I have done all of these things. I know what abuse looks like. You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through: Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive Trying to isolate you from family or friends Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with Demanding to know where you are every minute Punishing you by withholding affection Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets Humiliating you in any way Blaming you for the abuse Gaslighting Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc. Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them Edited March 11, 2015 by Rainbowlove 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Chi townD, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's abusive, I've been in a relationship riddled with abuse before and this is heaven compared to that, but I will say that he has been increasingly controlling. Ever since the, "I think you're cheating on me, I don't trust you" mishap, he has been going through all of my accounts and phone and other things, telling me who I cannot hang out with, requesting that I clean out my friends list on Facebook (I'm 22 and am an animal rescuer, I foster with many organizations, hence I have many friends). Because I want to make him happy, I dyed my hair, ditched my friends, have spent less time at the barn (my happy place) and dedicated all my time to sitting on the couch across from him so that I don't end up on thin ice. He feels that I make poor decisions, I try to make only the best decisions I'm capable of so that I don't spend days/weeks in silence (the silent treatment is his weapon of choice, he can go for weeks). The drinking is starting to contribute to these behaviors as last night he got a little physical after I repeatedly told him to stop. These are just little things that get taken a little too far, but they add up in my stress level and my blood pressure! He really is wonderful, I'm just nitpicking, but he really is a great man. I just need him to communicate and work with me a little bit! Rainbowlove is correct Of course he is abusive, maybe just not as abusive as the last man you were with. Believe me he is not "wonderful", he is a nightmare. You are walking on eggshells You are self isolating because you don't want to upset him. You are making decisions re your real interests, so as not to rock the boat. He is controlling who you talk to. He is using the silent treatment for weeks - proven emotional abuse tool And now he has taken it physical. He will have chosen you specifically due to you previous history of abuse and the fact you are a "carer" and people pleaser. You are a nice person, you do not deserve any of this abuse. Get help and run, before he ruins your life completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I'm not trying to be rude, but are you a mental health professional? Have you worked at a women's rape centers and homeless center? Have you counseled battered women? Do you have a degree in Women's Studies? Have you taught Women's Self-defense for 10 years?? I have done all of these things. I know what abuse looks like. You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through: Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive Trying to isolate you from family or friends Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with Demanding to know where you are every minute Punishing you by withholding affection Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets Humiliating you in any way Blaming you for the abuse Gaslighting Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc. Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them Mental Health Professional? No. Medical health professional? Yes. Have I worked with mental health Patients? Yes, through my clinical rotations. Have I run SART Kits on rape victims? Yes. Do I have a degree in Women's Studies? No. I wanted a degree that was actually worth something. Do I have a Doctorate? Yes. Have I conducted intake interviews on battered women in Emergency rooms? Yes Have I conducted intake interviews on battered MEN in Emergency rooms? Yes Have I treated battered women? Yes Have I treated battered men? Yes Have I treated women that were raped? Yes Have I treated men that were raped? Yes (men can get raped too!) I have a good ballpark idea of what abuse looks like as well! And our definitions aren't syncing up. Link to post Share on other sites
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