Husband thinks I'm a cheater, can our marriage survive without trust?

[Rainbowlove]

Mental Health Professional? No.

 

Medical health professional? Yes.

 

Have I worked with mental health Patients? Yes, through my clinical rotations.

 

 

Have I run SART Kits on rape victims? Yes.

 

 

Do I have a degree in Women's Studies? No. I wanted a degree that was actually worth something.

 

 

Do I have a Doctorate? Yes.

 

 

Have I conducted intake interviews on battered women in Emergency rooms? Yes

 

 

Have I conducted intake interviews on battered MEN in Emergency rooms? Yes

 

 

Have I treated battered women? Yes

 

 

Have I treated battered men? Yes

 

 

Have I treated women that were raped? Yes

 

 

Have I treated men that were raped? Yes (men can get raped too!)

 

 

 

 

I have a good ballpark idea of what abuse looks like as well! And our definitions aren't syncing up.

 

Did anyone here say anything about men not getting raped? What are you talking about?

 

I find it offensive and disturbing that a man with a "Doctorate" would claim no abuse in this case.

 

Tell me where you work and I'll be sure not to refer any women to you for help.

[elaine567]

I have a good ballpark idea of what abuse looks like as well! And our definitions aren't syncing up.

 

Are you for real?

This guy even roughed her up and that is NOT abuse, I guess she deserved it.....????

[Elias33]

Elias33, I have discussed all of this with him, and he has promised to make the effort in the past, and I've given up all of my friends and anything that makes him uneasy with no results. Last night, while he was drunk, I asked him if we could see a marriage counselor, he asked why and I responded that ever since he told me that he didn't/never/will never fully trust me, it's all I could think about. I told him that I didn't want to bring children into the world when we needed to work on us. I've repeatedly told him that I'm willing to work on me, and I continue to try to better myself each and every day. It just doesn't seem fair (I know life's not fair) that he refuses to work on himself. He is starting to drink more and that worries me too. It makes me wonder how different life would be if I had chosen Canada over him, I would never cheat, but even thinking those thoughts makes me extremely uncomfortable.

 

Luckily, he agreed to marriage counseling, hopefully he'll remember that agreement today when he's sober.

 

Sounds like your situation may turn toxic, now that there's alcohol in the mix. I hope things work out. But if they don't, at least you know you've done everything in your power to save your relationship. Oh and uh...never look back, you did what you thought was right at the time.

[Rainbowlove]

Are you for real?

This guy even roughed her up and that is NOT abuse, I guess she deserved it.....????

 

Not according the the doctor!!!

[SaveYourHeart]

Are you for real?

This guy even roughed her up and that is NOT abuse, I guess she deserved it.....????

I wouldn't necessarily count the physical aspect as something huge, he's never put his hands on me like that before, and I think it was more so because he had had too much to drink and wanted to do the dirty (we have mild kinks), my normal "STOP." wasn't as effective as usual because of the alcohol...

[Elias33]

I'm not trying to be rude, but are you a mental health professional? Have you worked at a women's rape centers and homeless center? Have you counseled battered women? Do you have a degree in Women's Studies? Have you taught Women's Self-defense for 10 years?? I have done all of these things. I know what abuse looks like.

 

 

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

 

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you

Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive

Trying to isolate you from family or friends

Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with

Demanding to know where you are every minute

Punishing you by withholding affection

Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets

Humiliating you in any way

Blaming you for the abuse

Gaslighting

Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships

Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior

Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again

Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are

Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.

Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

 

That could also mean that you're a hammer, and you see nails everywhere. Grey has turned black and white for you.

[SaveYourHeart]

Sounds like your situation may turn toxic, now that there's alcohol in the mix. I hope things work out. But if they don't, at least you know you've done everything in your power to save your relationship. Oh and uh...never look back, you did what you thought was right at the time.

Thank you! I am doing everything I can to make this work! Our appointment is scheduled for the first week in April, so I'll update then!

[Rainbowlove]

I wouldn't necessarily count the physical aspect as something huge, he's never put his hands on me like that before, and I think it was more so because he had had too much to drink and wanted to do the dirty (we have mild kinks), my normal "STOP." wasn't as effective as usual because of the alcohol...

 

Bring it up in your MC session. Let's get the opinion of a MENTAL HEALTH DOCTOR.

[elaine567]

I wouldn't necessarily count the physical aspect as something huge, he's never put his hands on me like that before, and I think it was more so because he had had too much to drink and wanted to do the dirty (we have mild kinks), my normal "STOP." wasn't as effective as usual because of the alcohol...

 

Your boundaries are way off kilter, you are making up excuses for him.

Wake up, before it is too late.

[Elias33]

Are you for real?

This guy even roughed her up and that is NOT abuse, I guess she deserved it.....????

 

You're over doing it. She deserved what? Who is saying that? You're implying to many things while being too busy being outraged.

[SaveYourHeart]

Bring it up in your MC session. Let's get the opinion of a MENTAL HEALTH DOCTOR.

I definitely will!

[Rainbowlove]

That could also mean that you're a hammer, and you see nails everywhere. Grey has turned black and white for you.

 

Don't tell me. You're a doctor, too??

 

Is there a doctor in the house???? Not one, but two!!!

 

OP, be safe and keep your eyes open.

 

Good luck.

[Elias33]

Don't tell me. You're a doctor, too??

 

Is there a doctor in the house???? Not one, but two!!!

 

OP, be safe and keep your eyes open.

 

Good luck.

 

Your sarcasm indicates self-importance. I have no ill will towards you. I'm just proposing to lay down the pitchfork just yet. Screaming abuse doesn't make it so.

 

Remember, this is only one side of the story, and the OP seems smart enough to what is acceptable, and what is not acceptable. There is also a matter of context. There are grey areas that require more thought, before screaming rape and bloody murder.

 

No doctor here, just being preserved and hope for a good outcome, while you're half way on your crusade. This may be a good guy that deserves a chance, and obviously at this time, the OP seems to think so as well.

[Chi townD]

Did anyone here say anything about men not getting raped? What are you talking about?

 

I find it offensive and disturbing that a man with a "Doctorate" would claim no abuse in this case.

 

Tell me where you work and I'll be sure not to refer any women to you for help.

 

 

Well, I was just making a point that abuse and domestic violence isn't inclusive and it isn't gender biased. You asked me if I have worked and seen issues that you described. And I did and even expounded on things at I've personally seen, unrelated to this case.

 

 

That's fine about the referrals. You would be referring to the wrong department anyway. I don't deal with those cases end we're dealing with broken bones, snapped tendon's and ligaments.

 

 

Oh, and you don't have to put quotes around Doctorate. I actually have one.

[Chi townD]

Not according the the doctor!!!

 

 

Now, THAT'S offensive.

 

 

I'm not going to apologize for working my ass off for the degree's I have just because we have a difference of opinion. Doesn't mean that I'm not good at what I do. You are just being mean as hell right now because someone doesn't agree with you.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Chi townD

[Noirek]

Well, I was just making a point that abuse and domestic violence isn't inclusive and it isn't gender biased. You asked me if I have worked and seen issues that you described. And I did and even expounded on things at I've personally seen, unrelated to this case.

 

 

That's fine about the referrals. You would be referring to the wrong department anyway. I don't deal with those cases end we're dealing with broken bones, snapped tendon's and ligaments.

 

 

Oh, and you don't have to put quotes around Doctorate. I actually have one.

 

I think it was really pointless and off topic to mention the males being raped thing. The OP is neither male nor raped. And no one was discussing men not being raped. I am not sure what your point is or if you just want to defend the "BS" and attack this poor girl. But this looks a lot like the beginning signs of abuse. Probably stemming from his poor coping skills with his job and so he is turning to alchohal. Sadly, all too common. Her husband is not a BS and he needs help. And she needs to set some of her own boundaries. The OP is so very young and when she went on her ill planned journey she was only 19. Before that she was in an abusive relationship. It is very likely she has her husband on a very high pedastel. He may seem a saint compared to the previous guy but her age and history may keep her from seeing the growing abuse.

[Chi townD]

I think it was really pointless and off topic to mention the males being raped thing. The OP is neither male nor raped. And no one was discussing men not being raped. I am not sure what your point is or if you just want to defend the "BS" and attack this poor girl. But this looks a lot like the beginning signs of abuse. Probably stemming from his poor coping skills with his job and so he is turning to alchohal. Sadly, all too common. Her husband is not a BS and he needs help. And she needs to set some of her own boundaries. The OP is so very young and when she went on her ill planned journey she was only 19. Before that she was in an abusive relationship. It is very likely she has her husband on a very high pedastel. He may seem a saint compared to the previous guy but her age and history may keep her from seeing the growing abuse.

 

 

Please, point out the post where I EVER attacked the OP. Please, point out the ONE post where I wasn't supportive to the OP. Not to any other poster, but to the OP. Please point this out to me. Give me the time stamp and post number.

[Noirek]

Please, point out the post where I EVER attacked the OP. Please, point out the ONE post where I wasn't supportive to the OP. Not to any other poster, but to the OP. Please point this out to me. Give me the time stamp and post number.

 

I am sorry, I just find your dismissal of her being in what very much looks like the start of an abusive relationship could in fact be endangering her to it only becoming worse. I cannot see how you think there isn't a lot of red flags in this relationship. When someone brings up a completely irrelevent point such as you did it always seems like an attack to the OP. But attack is probably not the right word to use and I apologize for that. I realize now your anger is towards another poster not the OP but I do think you are missing a lot of flags, I can only speculate why. It doesn't change anything about the OPs situation that men are raped or abused. So let us not say attack but that you want to defend her husband's behaviour and diminish the actions being done to her because when they were fresh in their relationship she made a road trip and lied about it. He found out immediately and confronted her. But he "forgave" her and they got married anyways. 3 years later he is now drinking heavily and coming down on her hard.

 

This is the start of abuse and I believe the OP needs to set some boundaries for herself. And I believe the issue here isn't what happened three years ago but his substance abuse with alcohol. He needs help.

[Noirek]

Chi, this girl needs help. Many victims of abuse defend their attacker. They don't always realize it on their own. You have said that she has been making choices not him in regards to her friends. But he is the one who is causing her to feel this way. That combined with his drinking more and more is why I feel she needs to set some boundaries. He does not own her. She cannot let him control her. Letting him have passwords and look through her phone is one thing. Spending time away from her passion and getting rid of friends for no affair related reason (he didn't ask her to cut off Canada, that was already done) is way overboard for what happened. I read so many red flags in her posts to how unhealthy this relationship is/has become I can't even begin to point them out. Some are her choices showing areas she needs to work on. People pleasing being a huge one. And things she needs to not just accept from him.

 

Ignoring a safe word is also something that should not be overlooked. Not with everything else going on.

 

 

Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart View Post

Chi townD, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's abusive, I've been in a relationship riddled with abuse before and this is heaven compared to that, but I will say that he has been increasingly controlling. Ever since the, "I think you're cheating on me, I don't trust you" mishap, he has been going through all of my accounts and phone and other things, telling me who I cannot hang out with, requesting that I clean out my friends list on Facebook (I'm 22 and am an animal rescuer, I foster with many organizations, hence I have many friends). Because I want to make him happy, I dyed my hair, ditched my friends, have spent less time at the barn (my happy place) and dedicated all my time to sitting on the couch across from him so that I don't end up on thin ice. He feels that I make poor decisions, I try to make only the best decisions I'm capable of so that I don't spend days/weeks in silence (the silent treatment is his weapon of choice, he can go for weeks). The drinking is starting to contribute to these behaviors as last night he got a little physical after I repeatedly told him to stop. These are just little things that get taken a little too far, but they add up in my stress level and my blood pressure! He really is wonderful, I'm just nitpicking, but he really is a great man. I just need him to communicate and work with me a little bit!

[Rainbowlove]

Now, THAT'S offensive.

 

 

I'm not going to apologize for working my ass off for the degree's I have just because we have a difference of opinion. Doesn't mean that I'm not good at what I do. You are just being mean as hell right now because someone doesn't agree with you.

 

Well, let me take my worthless Women's Studies degree, my pathetic Masters in Education and all those useless years of teaching at the collegiate level and apologize for not agreeing with your higher degree and lack of insight and real experience on the topic of Mental Health and abuse.

 

She's in an abusive relationship. That's pretty clear. Why you are hell bent on dismissing it, as a doctor, I fail to understand.

[Chi townD]

I am sorry, I just find your dismissal of her being in what very much looks like the start of an abusive relationship could in fact be endangering her to it only becoming worse. I cannot see how you think there isn't a lot of red flags in this relationship. When someone brings up a completely irrelevent point such as you did it always seems like an attack to the OP. But attack is probably not the right word to use and I apologize for that. I realize now your anger is towards another poster not the OP but I do think you are missing a lot of flags, I can only speculate why. It doesn't change anything about the OPs situation that men are raped or abused. So let us not say attack but that you want to defend her husband's behaviour and diminish the actions being done to her because when they were fresh in their relationship she made a road trip and lied about it. He found out immediately and confronted her. But he "forgave" her and they got married anyways. 3 years later he is now drinking heavily and coming down on her hard.

 

This is the start of abuse and I believe the OP needs to set some boundaries for herself. And I believe the issue here isn't what happened three years ago but his substance abuse with alcohol. He needs help.

 

 

You think that I made an irrelevant point stating that I've treated both men and women that were victims of rape? Well, one poster provided a website "The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Abuse identified" that she provided stated the following as one of the symptoms (or benchmarks) of abuse:

 

 

"Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with"

 

 

So, would that be considered sexual assault? Rape? Or just having a bad day? I mean, this Hotline website was provided to the OP to read and identify with and according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, rape is a form of abuse. Therefore, my statement wasn't out of line if we're talking about forms of abuse.

[Rainbowlove]

I am sorry, I just find your dismissal of her being in what very much looks like the start of an abusive relationship could in fact be endangering her to it only becoming worse. I cannot see how you think there isn't a lot of red flags in this relationship. When someone brings up a completely irrelevent point such as you did it always seems like an attack to the OP. But attack is probably not the right word to use and I apologize for that. I realize now your anger is towards another poster not the OP but I do think you are missing a lot of flags, I can only speculate why. It doesn't change anything about the OPs situation that men are raped or abused. So let us not say attack but that you want to defend her husband's behaviour and diminish the actions being done to her because when they were fresh in their relationship she made a road trip and lied about it. He found out immediately and confronted her. But he "forgave" her and they got married anyways. 3 years later he is now drinking heavily and coming down on her hard.

 

This is the start of abuse and I believe the OP needs to set some boundaries for herself. And I believe the issue here isn't what happened three years ago but his substance abuse with alcohol. He needs help.

 

Good advice here.

 

Hopefully, the OP reads it and follows through with seeking help.

 

She does need it.

[Noirek]

You think that I made an irrelevant point stating that I've treated both men and women that were victims of rape? Well, one poster provided a website "The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Abuse identified" that she provided stated the following as one of the symptoms (or benchmarks) of abuse:

 

 

"Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with"

 

 

So, would that be considered sexual assault? Rape? Or just having a bad day? I mean, this Hotline website was provided to the OP to read and identify with and according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, rape is a form of abuse. Therefore, my statement wasn't out of line if we're talking about forms of abuse.

 

I don't know what your post is about? Mentioning men with the quotes seemed unnecesary. I really still don't see as the OP was woman why it was relevant but if you felt the need to unnecesarily remind women men are raped I guess that is your prerogative. As to the rest, in a small way he did sexually assault her when he ignored her safe word. Unforgiveable? Not at all but it does fit in this growing pattern and is a matter of concern.

[Chi townD]

I don't know what your post is about? Mentioning men with the quotes seemed unnecesary. I really still don't see as the OP was woman why it was relevant but if you felt the need to unnecesarily remind women men are raped I guess that is your prerogative. As to the rest, in a small way he did sexually assault her when he ignored her safe word. Unforgiveable? Not at all but it does fit in this growing pattern and is a matter of concern.

 

 

 

Are you saying that it doesn't happen? Are you saying that men can't be abused or that it isn't necessary to mention regardless if it applies or not? In this case my background was called into question and I listed all the cases I've had to deal with abuse regardless of sex. And rape is included in a form of abuse is it not? (I guess that's where I went wrong. The thought that men can be abused is either a fairy tale or too taboo to mention) I mean, if I were to included that last week I treated a case of myositis ossificans and 3 cases of PFS. Now, that would be irrelevant and pointless and no bearing on the subject of me treating cases of abuse.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Chi townD

[Noirek]

Are you saying that it doesn't happen? Are you saying that men can't be abused or that it isn't necessary to mention regardless if it applies or not? In this case my background was called into question and I listed all the cases I've had to deal with abuse regardless of sex. And rape is included in a form of abuse is it not? (I guess that's where I went wrong. The thought that men can be abused is either a fairy tale or too taboo to mention) I mean, if I were to included that last week I treated a case of myositis ossificans and 3 cases of PFS. Now, that would be irrelevant and pointless and no bearing on the subject of me treating cases of abuse.

 

I'm sorry but your gaslighting will not work on me. This subject is not about men being abused. Which happens a lot. Though you honed in on that for only you know what reason. I personally felt that you mentioning it was an attempt to diminish the abuse received by the OP by saying "men are abused too!" I see now you just were taking an oppurtunity to share something you think people don't know about. I have a friend who is very verbally abused by his girlfriend. It is so sad and I think she may physically abuse him as well, no marks. I would never dismiss a man who came to this forum that told a story the same as the OP's just because he was male. Nor would I feel the need to mention women are abused too. Personally, I wouldn't feel that it was relevant. So now that we have settled men are abused too. I am not a misandrist and you only mentioned it because you believe people don't know about abused males and want to take oppurtunities to educate people, let's get back to the OP, who is female.

 

Can you see yet the warnings signs of growing abuse?