The "damsel in distress": Do men like assisting women?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Most high quality and successful men actually need a strong, intelligent woman...And most of these guys have those types..Do you really believe they want to add to their already stressful life, by just latching on to an anchor with a pretty face or nice tits? Fck that...

 

Well that would seem logical to me. Only it is not my experience with the guys on dating sites.

Maybe it has to do with my demographic: I am born in 1964 and am somewhere between the end of the baby boomers generation and the beginning of Generation X. Mentality wise I am totally Generation X and not baby boomers at all but the problem is that the men who contact me are mostly baby boomers. And the mentality difference is huge. I am very emancipated, want a guy who does his share of household chores and these guys seem to be totally looking for a Stepford wife. Which I am absolutely not.

 

I was member of a tennis club some years ago and played with some ladies a couple of years older than me. After we played I proposed to have a drink but they could not come because they needed to go home to prepared dinner for their man. Are you kidding me? Are you telling me that this guy is unable to peel some potatoes and bring them to the boil, bake some eggs and slice a couple of tomatoes for a salad???

 

I often think that I might actually go for a guy 10 to 15 years younger than myself, seems like their mentality suits mine better. Looks wise I could still pull it off, noone who guesses that I am already 50.

[hotpotato]

There is a saying in my type of business.....

 

" A poor craftsman blames his tools"

 

lol Well I already figured that out. Nowadays I only go for the rare man who is very strong and macho and obviously bigger than myself. Or a dude with a fetish. I guess I could blame my tools when they tell me I'm "intimidating, " but that wouldn't do me much good at this point.

 

Just think about that and see how it might apply to yours(and anyone else's) situation...

 

The logic here is ridiculous...

 

Now we are to beiieve that the only women who are successful with high quality men are the "babe in the woods" types that need a man to rescue them like a cat in a tree...That quality men are somehow so scared and intimidated by strong, attractive, successful women ,that these poor women are left holding the bag.... Huh?

 

Total nonsense....

Well, most men want a woman they can help. Most of them want to feel like they are adding something to a woman's life. Like I said before, being strong and smart isn't the same for a woman as a man in the dating world. Women aren't praised for being smart and strong the way a man is. That should be obvious.

 

Quality men can be happy just fine with an average woman, and many of them are. I didn't say quality men never date strong women. I said average women have a certain mass appeal, and they know how to play the game.

 

 

Most high quality and successful men actually need a strong, intelligent woman...And most of these guys have those types..Do you really believe they want to add to their already stressful life, by just latching on to an anchor with a pretty face or nice tits? Fck that...

No, many can be fine with average woman. Maybe if she's smart, that's fine, but smarter than him? Outshining him? That's gonna be a problem.

 

Im sorry....But using the logic that you(or anyone else) is "too strong" or "too successful" to attract a quality man, and that you somehow need to dumb yourself down to be able to compete is nuts...

 

Well, i guess the truth hurts. If I toned myself down, I probably would have more options, but I won't. I was told flat out that I was intimidating because I was in better shape than them, pretty, and smart.

 

Look elsewhere for reasons why its not working for you....because its definitely not that.....

 

TFY

Even though guys say that's what it is, then run off to more average women. :lmao:

[hotpotato]

hotpotato said it right: "Average women simply know how to play the game better."

I have a lot of qualities, always had but I don't know how to play the game. Maybe I could learn how to play the game but frankly I am not interested.

For a long time I have been wondering why finding love was so difficult to me and it actually became clear when I did a career guidance programme. Turns out I am an INTJ according to the Myers Briggs personality classification. I am also highly sensitive and gifted. Not saying this to brag, it is simply who I am and to be honest, it does not make live easy, on the contrary.

 

Anyway, the result of all this is that I don't like to play games, that I hate superficial people and situations. So I see through most of the typical stuff which men do to impress women. As a matter of fact, the typical "me Tarzan, you Jane" approach of most men is a total turn off to me. What makes me fall for someone is a more subtle approach and I also need time to fall in love. And no one seems to want to take the time to let love grow these days.

I am also a straight talker and rational. Not that I don't have emotions but I tend to always use my brain, even in matters of the heart. I have the impression that a lot of guys prefer the over-sentimental women.

 

Of course I have had men who were interested in me. And when I was younger I immediately thought that they loved me. But very often they were just interested in one quality of me. I do for example have a sweet girly appearance so that attracted some bossy men who quickly found that under those sweet looks there is a very strong lady. There's also been the ones who saw that I had my ***** together and somehow hoped that I would clean up theirs. And then there were the once who were only physically attracted to me.

So when a guy approaches me, I have also become very suspicious of his motives.

 

I'm not interested in playing the game either. I also tested gifted in school. I could say a lot of things you said. I also feel like guys only like one aspect of me at a time.

 

TFY, do I remember somewhere on a previous thread you said you wouldn't date a woman who made more money than you, or maybe I got that wrong?

 

Well, truthfully, most men do not want to be outdone by a woman.

Try being a man and people telling you your date has stronger, more muscular legs than you. Or could beat you up. Or at some point you realize she is a better mechanic. Or maybe is smarter. That doesn't feel good for a man, and it's stuff average girls don't have to worry about.

Edited March 17, 2015 by hotpotato

[autumnnight]

That is possible. And it says a lot about the guy that he has such average taste .

 

But I know quite a few men who are very aware of the fact that their wife is average. Certainly they were smitten with her when they married her. But after having been with her for quite some time, they know that they could have done better. And I am saying this because I have heard it from the horse's mouth .

Some of them then have the balls to divorce and find a better, some stay because "better the devil you know", the kids, the finances (if you have been married since you were 22 and the wife has not worked for years and there is no prenup...), what the friends and the family will say, etc...

 

OK, here is what I meant. I meant that not everyone has the same view of what is beautiful and not beautiful as you do. Despite what Cosmo tells us, not everyone has the exact same taste. It is a wee bit arrogant to think everyone's taste is like yours. I think square black dinner dishes are hideous, but apparently some people think they are hip. I'm not a big goatee fan, but they make some women swoon. Some men hate freckles, others love them.

 

Average is a subjective adjective. Honestly, maybe they would rather be with a woman who is NOT on the cover of Cosmo but has substance, empathy, and an open mind than a woman who sees herself as the cover of Cosmo who spends her time rating everyone around her.

 

And no, I am not average or fat or dumb or homely. I just understand that black ugly dishes aren't objectively ugly just because I wouldn't use them.

[autumnnight]

Actually, this is funny. Men who have bad luck with women tend to blame women. AND women who have bad luck with men tend to blame women - except this time it's for being too average and playing a game better.

 

Kinda funny if you think about it long enough.

 

I'm not a damsel, and empty headed women who drop their hankies on purpose make me nauseous. But if I need help, I don't mind asking someone.

[Woggle]

This thread is like the female version of the nice guy rants. In fact self proclaimed strong women and self proclaimed nice guys have a lot in common with the way they blame the opposite sex for their dating issues.

[hotpotato]

Actually, this is funny. Men who have bad luck with women tend to blame women. AND women who have bad luck with men tend to blame women - except this time it's for being too average and playing a game better.

 

Kinda funny if you think about it long enough.

 

I'm not a damsel, and empty headed women who drop their hankies on purpose make me nauseous. But if I need help, I don't mind asking someone.

 

It is what it is. No one is blaming average women. We are simply pointing out why average women have more appeal. Truth be told, more average girls have an easier time. Just looking around, average girls do have less problems and do get swept up very quickly. The women I know who are cute and very intelligent get married later, like 5 or more years later.

 

I have also been told my charms were more subtle and thatts one reason I lose out to other women. So yes, average women are playing the game better.

[Taramere]

It's been suggested to me before that my independent nature is offputting to men. I do things myself. I am very handy. Build, fix, lift, etc, I can do it all. I know stranger to tools and am strong enough to lift heavy things, and am not afraid to get dirty.

 

I doubt it's that. There's always the temptation for a woman to think that men aren't showing interest because she's too smart, or too independent, too pretty, too successful and so on. That these positive qualities intimidate men, which is what puts them off.

 

Well, I think the most powerful way in which a man is intimidated by a woman relates to his being physically and emotionally attracted to her (if he doesn't know her well). Men approach women they are intimidated by, in that sense, all the time. If they don't approach, it's likely for a negative reason rather than a positive one. And if you're really struggling with this Phoe, I think it's probably time to give you some possible answers that are maybe a bit less comforting than the usual "you're so lovely, can't believe you're single" etc.

 

You do present a pretty much perfect girlfriend image on this board. Eager to please sexually, low maintenance, self deprecating, humble etc. You're young, fit, in employment....if you are strongly motivated to be in a relationship (and not everybody is) then you shouldn't have a problem. Here's the problem I see. I think if you were to read over your own posts and ask yourself what the common theme in all of them is, I think you might begin to see it yourself - but I'm going to save you the time.

 

The common theme in your posts is...Phoe. I'm not sure that somebody who spends such a lot of time thinking about themselves is necessarily going to be as supportive and understanding a partner as one might expect the nice, considerate and eager to please Phoe on this board to be. If you're too busy analysing yourself, talking about yourself etc - how are you going to find out about who the guy in front of you is?

 

Some men are rescuers, some aren't is probably the simple answer to your "do men like damsels in distress?" question. It doesn't really matter what all or most men like or want. The guy you like, who you would like to make a relationship work with, is the one who matters...and you'll find out about what he likes by taking an interest in him. Not by spending lots of time thinking about yourself and what would make you the Perfect Phoe, universally (by men) deemed to be perfect girlfriend material.

 

I don't think you can become that women until you stop obsessing over yourself and start showing a bit more interest in others. And if you don't believe me, just take a look over your past posts. Ask yourself how much genuine interest you demonstrate in anybody other than Phoe. I know I'm sounding harsh, but you have put up so many threads like this, and it seems like nobody ever gives you that one answer which, to me, is so blindingly obvious. Probably because it sounds a bit mean to say, admittedly...but seriously, I believe your life could start to get so much better if you would just take a bit more interest in other people rather than being so focused on yourself.

Edited March 17, 2015 by Taramere

[thefooloftheyear]

lol Well I already figured that out. Nowadays I only go for the rare man who is very strong and macho and obviously bigger than myself. Or a dude with a fetish. I guess I could blame my tools when they tell me I'm "intimidating, " but that wouldn't do me much good at this point.

 

I outweigh you by probably 75 or 100 lbs and I dont care how strong you think you are I could outpower you in my sleep....and I am probably old enough to be your father...Nonsense woman..They are out there in droves...You know, guys who arent intimidated by a woman that works out...stop already

 

 

Well, most men want a woman they can help. Most of them want to feel like they are adding something to a woman's life. Like I said before, being strong and smart isn't the same for a woman as a man in the dating world. Women aren't praised for being smart and strong the way a man is. That should be obvious.

 

Women arent praised for being smart and strong?..what planet do you live on? Not this one...ALL guys I know love strong women...And let me tell you this..As a 100% Italian guy I know an awful lot about Italian women, there are no stronger women on the planet than Italian women....and they are usually the most desireable...So try again..

 

Quality men can be happy just fine with an average woman, and many of them are. I didn't say quality men never date strong women. I said average women have a certain mass appeal, and they know how to play the game.

 

There is no "game"....Its insulting to men to think we are that stupid to fall for that garbage...

 

 

 

No, many can be fine with average woman. Maybe if she's smart, that's fine, but smarter than him? Outshining him? That's gonna be a problem.

 

 

 

Well, i guess the truth hurts. If I toned myself down, I probably would have more options, but I won't. I was told flat out that I was intimidating because I was in better shape than them, pretty, and smart.

 

See above...

 

 

Even though guys say that's what it is, then run off to more average women. :lmao:

 

Check yourself...not your tools...the tools are just fine..

 

TFY

[autumnnight]

We are simply pointing out why average women have more appeal.

 

Actually you are pointing out why women YOU consider average have more appeal. Just because YOU deem that average does not mean that they ARE objectively average.

 

And even if you consider them average, that does not make them damsels in distress.

[hotpotato]

Actually you are pointing out why women YOU consider average have more appeal. Just because YOU deem that average does not mean that they ARE objectively average.

 

And even if you consider them average, that does not make them damsels in distress.

 

Ok... You are not reading my posts. No need to come out swinging.

Ex.

Hmm...

Well, I figure there's some kind of femininity/mothering/vulnerability quality in her. There's something in her that we don't see.

 

I also think a man can be perfectly attracted to a homely woman or a woman who doesn't seem to bright. I might look at a woman and say, "Dafuq is he thinking?" but these guys see something in her. Honestly, a homely woman can put on some lipstick, short skirt, heels, and be hot.

 

This is a rough thing to say, but women usually aren't praised for being smart or strong in the way a man would be.

 

He may also view dating/marrying very attractive women as being stressful (high maintenance, a lot of guys hitting on her, mean, etc).

 

Already been addressed...

[carhill]

If one's motives are healthy, I see no reason to avoid playing the erstwhile damsel in distress role on occasion to trigger a prospective mate's protective instincts, even if one otherwise is self-sufficient and independent. Properly played, it can be a fun part of flirting. It doesn't have to define the person. When I say that, I'm thinking of someone like Judy Holiday and how she could mix up 'dumb', 'innocent' and intelligent and sophisticated all in one package. If fact, in person, she was incredibly intelligent and strong, strong enough to go up against McCarthy in his witch-hunt in the 1950's and, yep, did it by playing 'dumb'.

 

For the OP, if you're looking for a guy who likes strong and self-sufficient women like yourself, be aware that he also likes women with 'sides', meaning that strong and self-sufficient, while attractive, don't define every moment of every day. Complexity and mystery are interesting too. Even some surprise vulnerability can be attractive. Such a man doesn't want to partner with another man, rather a woman, and he enjoys the differences, including rescuing his damsel from time to time.

[autumnnight]

Hmm...

Well, I figure there's some kind of femininity/mothering/vulnerability quality in her. There's something in her that we don't see.

 

OR...

 

Maybe there's some hot, sensual, strong, amazing, wonderful, sexy behind-closed-doors part of her that you don't see when you rate her on the street because she doesn't feel the need to flaunt it.

 

Honestly, can you not see the irony that a woman who is plain and dumb is somehow smarter than a real woman about some game? That doesn't even make sense.

 

The reason Man A doesn't date woman B is not because woman C is average. The reason man A doesn't date woman B is because...he doesn't want to date woman B.

[GorillaTheater]

This thread is like the female version of the nice guy rants. In fact self proclaimed strong women and self proclaimed nice guys have a lot in common with the way they blame the opposite sex for their dating issues.

 

That's exactly what this thread looks like, but I have a slightly different twist: Nice Guys also blame players for their woes in the same way some posters here are blaming coquettish average women for theirs.

 

Damn those sneaky average women.

[hotpotato]

Check yourself...not your tools...the tools are just fine..

 

TFY

 

LOL well let's see. I've had dudes flat out ask me if I was a man and tell me women weren't supposed to have muscle like that. I had a 6'3 220+ man, high school football player, tell me I looked like a man when I got too thin, that I looked like Wesley Snipes, and that I had better musculature and was in better shape than him. So hmmm try again. I've also had guys over six feet be like "WTF?" when they learn that I'm a girl and interested in boxing, like real boxing not fitness. So yes, there is intimidation there.

 

Real talk. Many buff men are perfectly happy with the average female body.

And don't be difficult. I'm talking about the dating world. Of course, women can be praised for being smart and strong...in politics, business, etc, but what works in a business setting doesn't work in the dating world and interpersonal relationships in general. If you disagree with that, you are just being difficult. That's dating 101. Truth be told, a woman can be kinda cute and average, and most people will think she's A-OK.

 

Dating is a game, whether you like or want to admit it or not.

[hotpotato]

OR...

 

Maybe there's some hot, sensual, strong, amazing, wonderful, sexy behind-closed-doors part of her that you don't see when you rate her on the street because she doesn't feel the need to flaunt it.

 

Fair enough, I agree that there's something we don't see. Ok, and who is flaunting what??? Btw, Im quiet, introverted, and wear muumuus a lot so there's nothing im flaunting on a regular basis. Let's just get that out that way.

 

Honestly, can you not see the irony that a woman who is plain and dumb is somehow smarter than a real woman about some game? That doesn't even make sense.

 

Higher dating iq, and not having the same issues as exceptionally strong woman.

 

The reason Man A doesn't date woman B is not because woman C is average. The reason man A doesn't date woman B is because...he doesn't want to date woman B.

 

Ok, well, I've had men flat out tell me I was intimidating (too smart, too this, too that). Please, stop trying to tell me what it's like.

[hotpotato]

Actually you are pointing out why women YOU consider average have more appeal. Just because YOU deem that average does not mean that they ARE objectively average.

 

And even if you consider them average, that does not make them damsels in distress.

 

Hmm I guess that depends on what you consider damsel in distress. To me, it would look like a damsel in distress. Like for example, some women are scared to walk the bridge at night and feel better with a bf or someone else with them. I'm fine walking alone. So to me, yes, that does look damsel-y. I'm just..different. Even dudes be like, "Dayum HP you're pretty brave :eek:" lol I still go even though a woman was allegedly sexually assaulted, meanwhile other women were using the buddy system. I just wasn't scared.

Dudes also be like,"Dayum you wanna do *insert dangerous sport here most people let alone women * that's pretty badass!"

[autumnnight]

I still go even though a woman was allegedly sexually assaulted, meanwhile other women were using the buddy system. I just wasn't scared.

 

Se, now I would not consider this some sign that you are above a woman who uses a buddy. I would consider someone who insists on walking alone where it is know assaults take place to be foolhardy. It's one thing if she just happens to be alone. But to be proud of it and insist on walking that way? That doesn't even make sense.

 

I am tall and pretty strong and not much scares me. But if I am out at midnight in a particular part of a particular city in my state, I wouldn't want to be alone. Not because i am weak, but because a man or women (or men or women) with a gun or knife is not something I wanna be alone with.

 

Now as far as the men who comment on you looking like a man or being to skinny or looking like Wesley Snipes (who was not too bad looking in To Wong Foo ), those guys were obviously wimpy little rude a-holes, no matter how buff they were.

[hotpotato]

Se, now I would not consider this some sign that you are above a woman who uses a buddy. I would consider someone who insists on walking alone where it is know assaults take place to be foolhardy. It's one thing if she just happens to be alone. But to be proud of it and insist on walking that way? That doesn't even make sense.

 

I am tall and pretty strong and not much scares me. But if I am out at midnight in a particular part of a particular city in my state, I wouldn't want to be alone. Not because i am weak, but because a man or women (or men or women) with a gun or knife is not something I wanna be alone with.

 

Now as far as the men who comment on you looking like a man or being to skinny or looking like Wesley Snipes (who was not too bad looking in To Wong Foo ), those guys were obviously wimpy little rude a-holes, no matter how buff they were.

 

Foolhardy? Meh. I just dont let fear rule my life. I dont have that fear most women have. I am different, and yes, I am strong. Im not that damsel in fear. Ive had issues there, but I still live how I want to. If I were scared that would be an opportunity for skmeone especially a big strong man to help me. Most women would naturally want someone there. Most women naturally create opportunities for men to help them.

 

Those dudes were not wimpy. They were just honest, everyday guys. I would call someone who played football, is over 6'3, 200+lbs to be wimpy. He actually got kicked out of the army for being *too* violent when he was younger. Thats not wimpy. Strength isnt really prized in women the way it is in men, and this spills over into fitness.

[toolforgrowth]

Most women naturally create opportunities for men to help them.

 

My curiosity is highly piqued by this. Could you elaborate, please?

[alphamale]

My curiosity is highly piqued by this. Could you elaborate, please?

it's sorta like letting the air out of all your cars tires so that the man you are interested in can come and change them (while seeing your new dress and hairdo)

[Woggle]

Another thing is that what some women view as average men might view as ideal. Men are much deeper than people think when it comes to choosing a partner and they expect us to be attracted to the same things in women that they are attracted to in men. Most men couldn't care less about status or a social hierarchy or any of that when choosing a mate. I would never want to be friends with an 80s business man so why would I want to date his female counterpart. I generally don't like yuppie snobs no matter what gender they are and no matter how good they look.

[Phoe]

The common theme in your posts is...Phoe. I'm not sure that somebody who spends such a lot of time thinking about themselves is necessarily going to be as supportive and understanding a partner as one might expect the nice, considerate and eager to please Phoe on this board to be. If you're too busy analysing yourself, talking about yourself etc - how are you going to find out about who the guy in front of you is?

 

Some men are rescuers, some aren't is probably the simple answer to your "do men like damsels in distress?" question. It doesn't really matter what all or most men like or want. The guy you like, who you would like to make a relationship work with, is the one who matters...and you'll find out about what he likes by taking an interest in him. Not by spending lots of time thinking about yourself and what would make you the Perfect Phoe, universally (by men) deemed to be perfect girlfriend material.

 

I don't think you can become that women until you stop obsessing over yourself and start showing a bit more interest in others. And if you don't believe me, just take a look over your past posts. Ask yourself how much genuine interest you demonstrate in anybody other than Phoe. I know I'm sounding harsh, but you have put up so many threads like this, and it seems like nobody ever gives you that one answer which, to me, is so blindingly obvious. Probably because it sounds a bit mean to say, admittedly...but seriously, I believe your life could start to get so much better if you would just take a bit more interest in other people rather than being so focused on yourself.

 

I do take interest in people in real life.

 

I don't like talking about myself IRL. I am not a topic of conversation unless others ask a specific question, in which case I give an answer and then move on.

 

But I'm very interested in what my friends and acquaintances have to say. I'm a very good listener, and others come to me VERY often for advice and just to talk to.

 

Here though? Well, sure it sounds selfish, but I'm here for me. I'm certainly fond of a fair few folks here but when it comes down to it, I'm here for me, not for everyone else. So, yes, I'm going to talk about ME, ask questions that I feel will benefit ME, and browse threads that I feel will be useful for ME.

 

Because it it weren't for my desire to find answers for myself, I wouldn't have ever come here, and I wouldn't still be here. And quite frankly, I don't have much to offer others in terms of advice. I'm not particularly knowledgeable or useful to others in the love department.

 

I'm not here for anyone else. Sorry.

[Phoe]

Most women naturally create opportunities for men to help them.

 

I'm naturally the opposite. I try my darndest to NOT create opportunities where someone will have to help me, because then I feel like a helpless idiot for not being able to do something

[carhill]

My exW never acted 'dumb' and this thread isn't about my past marriage

 

I can see this is going nowhere. OP if you want some advice from a guy who appreciates your style, PM me.

Edited March 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator