The "damsel in distress": Do men like assisting women?

[Robert Z]

I always liked strong and independent women. But that can definitely be a double-edged sword. For one, there were often times that my wife didn't know what she was doing but she was stubborn. She would rather screw something up and leave me an even bigger job than admitting that she doesn't know how and allowing me to do it. And independence later evolved into selfishness and inconsiderateness. It took a long time to see it, but her independence was just another manifestation of the world being all about her. And she always had a chip on her shoulder in regards to men, like most women her age. She was so busy always proving herself that it made her and life intolerable.

 

A key indicator of true ability and knowledge is admitting when you don't know how to do something. To always insist on independence, and the constant need to prove it, is just ego, and after a time that grows very ugly. Also, "independence" can just be an excuse to keep people at a distance. Men want women to show their vulnerabilities just as women do men.

 

No man is an island; neither is any woman.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Robert Z

[preraph]

I think we like feeling needed by women we're sexually attracted to, but I'm not sure how much sexual attraction will develop from a woman asking a guy to do things for her.

 

Oh, it's not the asking part they like. It's the "Oh, you're my hero, you're so clever, you're so big and strong" part they like that makes they feel sexy.

[Woggle]

It's the male version of making a woman feel like a queen and many women like being treated like a queen. Everybody likes being praised by their partners really.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Woggle

[preraph]

It's not that I would ever slap someone away for trying to help. I really appreciate help moving things or taking my car in for repair and everything above and beyond that is gravy.

[spiderowl]

I think it all depends on the type of guy and whether he is attracted to you or not. If he is, he might be wondering where he can fit into your life. It doesn't mean he's likely to be keen on assisting every helpless woman he meets.

[Phoe]

Definitely some great responses here!

 

Overall it seems like my idea of that balance isn't too far off. Don't necessarily ask for help, but definitely accept help. Which I think I can definitely do.

 

I asked coworker A the other day for help lifting something I absolutely could not lift. I tried and nearly dropped it on myself. So I went and asked for help, and he smiled and really seemed happy. A few months ago I needed help with something, but had asked a different coworker, and coworker A at the time sorta frowned and then jokingly said "What, am I not good enough?" but I felt really bad! So I was glad that I was able to sorta redeem that.

[alphamale]

now a days women are so paranoid from getting help from a strange man that they get the mace out before he even opens his mouth. every male is a potential rapist or murderer

[Phoe]

now a days women are so paranoid from getting help from a strange man that they get the mace out before he even opens his mouth. every male is a potential rapist or murderer

 

Funny, my male friends actually tell me that I am too trusting and too naive and don't have enough of a "stranger danger" mentality.

 

I got called "ballsy" just yesterday over my lack of fear with strangers.

 

They say I'm gonna get snatched one of these days -____-

[insert_name]

I used to always be on hand to help women out of situations they wanted a mans help with. With the rise of the phrase "strong independent woman" permeating society ive been happier to take a back seat. Rather than recognise that there are intrinsic differences in men and women that make us stronger in partnership with each other the message in recent years has been very much "screw you, I dont need a mans help because Im a strong independent female"....apart from when it comes to situations that are of strategic advantage to women in terms of resources, ie paying for dates.

 

So yeah, I wouldnt help a woman with anything just because she is a woman. If women find being my equal deeply unattractive then fine, I wont be losing any sleep over it.

[ThaWholigan]

There's a propensity in some guys to perpetually gravitate towards damsels in distress. I can be like this sometimes - I hate to see people hurt or unable to progress past some obstacle so I often try to help if I can. Sometimes even if I can't.

[preraph]

Those feels. Ive come to the similar conclusion. Attracting a man is less about being smart and more about making a man feel needed. Thats why the "hoochie" or a woman who may to may appear very unattractive to me is very appealing to some men. They are very vulnerable abd have that "I need a mans assistance vibes." I guess this activates a mans inner batman lol.

 

Yes, I suppose so. In this one's case, she was very manipulative like that, so it was very intentional. She'd flatter and tear up to get away with murder. But for most I think it's just they enjoy the flattery and it is nice they feel they can do something. So I mean, it's certainly not a bad impulse, but I've seen a crazy amount of women just working that for bad reasons and flattering to get what they want. And the men too hungry for the flattery to see past that.

[CrystalCastles]

Phoe I think you're right, it is about balance.

 

That being said, I don't see why some men seem to think that a woman wanting to be strong and independent is an issue. I like to do things myself. I enjoy doing them myself. If there's something I can't do but I am physically able, (like fixing things) I read a manual and figure it out. I don't see why I have to sit there and wait to be helped.

 

That being said, I think the issue is more that a man wants to feel included in activities. I can cook well but my boyfriend can't cook. So instead of me doing all the cooking by myself, we choose the recipes together and I direct him and he helps. He helps clean up afterwards as well. So its a team effort.

 

To me, I need a man not because I'm looking for my own personal handyman, but I need a partner. That's what I'm looking for. I want a man because of companionship, laughs, good times, intimate moments, great sex and emotional support. There are many other ways a man can feel needed so I'm not too sure what some posters are talking about with them not liking strong and independent women who can do things themselves and make men not feel needed...

[Phoe]

Phoe I think you're right, it is about balance.

 

That being said, I don't see why some men seem to think that a woman wanting to be strong and independent is an issue. I like to do things myself. I enjoy doing them myself. If there's something I can't do but I am physically able, (like fixing things) I read a manual and figure it out. I don't see why I have to sit there and wait to be helped.

 

That being said, I think the issue is more that a man wants to feel included in activities. I can cook well but my boyfriend can't cook. So instead of me doing all the cooking by myself, we choose the recipes together and I direct him and he helps. He helps clean up afterwards as well. So its a team effort.

 

To me, I need a man not because I'm looking for my own personal handyman, but I need a partner. That's what I'm looking for. I want a man because of companionship, laughs, good times, intimate moments, great sex and emotional support. There are many other ways a man can feel needed so I'm not too sure what some posters are talking about with them not liking strong and independent women who can do things themselves and make men not feel needed...

 

I think the part where you said a man would like to feel included is AWESOME, and I think it suits what I'd like perfectly.

 

I don't want to just STOP doing the things I like doing, can do, and am good at, just to appease someone and make him feel "useful" - not to sound callous but it is NOT my job to necessarily make someone feel useful. I most certainly would never want to make a man feel useless, but if a man's personal beliefs in his own abilities hinges on whether or not he does certain tasks, well.... I just can't help him there.

 

But he most certainly can be included in those things, and do them with me. Then not only do we both get our way, but we can bond over it. I much prefer the idea of someone helping alongside me, both of us participating, rather than me just standing aside like helpless dead weight just watching someone do things.

 

And of course, there can be moments where a man might just really feel special about a certain thing, may offer to do it all himself, and I might feel inclined to go ahead and happily accept that offer. And I do think there will be times when I will prefer to do a certain thing myself. Not out of stubbornness, never out of some "I don't need a man!" mentality, just simply from a personal preference standpoint, where I know it's likely just best that I go ahead and keep doing whatever task I am doing, but I will always smile and express gratitude for the offer.

[lgspot]

I think the part where you said a man would like to feel included is AWESOME, and I think it suits what I'd like perfectly.

 

I don't want to just STOP doing the things I like doing, can do, and am good at, just to appease someone and make him feel "useful" - not to sound callous but it is NOT my job to necessarily make someone feel useful. I most certainly would never want to make a man feel useless, but if a man's personal beliefs in his own abilities hinges on whether or not he does certain tasks, well.... I just can't help him there.

 

But he most certainly can be included in those things, and do them with me. Then not only do we both get our way, but we can bond over it. I much prefer the idea of someone helping alongside me, both of us participating, rather than me just standing aside like helpless dead weight just watching someone do things.

 

And of course, there can be moments where a man might just really feel special about a certain thing, may offer to do it all himself, and I might feel inclined to go ahead and happily accept that offer. And I do think there will be times when I will prefer to do a certain thing myself. Not out of stubbornness, never out of some "I don't need a man!" mentality, just simply from a personal preference standpoint, where I know it's likely just best that I go ahead and keep doing whatever task I am doing, but I will always smile and express gratitude for the offer.

 

 

Teamwork Phoe... Teamwork....

A nice smile and us guys melt.

[Shepp]

I love helping women, In fact I love helping anyone - that's why i'm a firefighter. Who doesn't like to feel useful and needed once in a while.

 

And yeah occasionally i'm guilty of going out of my way to help girls because my ego appreciates just a little "Oh, you're my hero, you're so clever, you're so big and strong" as Preraph put it.

 

That said do I go for that in a relationship? Not at all. I've never been overly attractive to the damsel in distress type. I know a lot of guys do go in for it because its a noted topic within my circle of friends that I don't.

I've always been attracted to more can do girls! I think its sexy as hell that my girl's handy with a power drill, climb a fence or change a flat (and look hot doing it). Nothing like than makes me feel unneeded, only proud.

It makes me respect her and There's something attractive about that!

 

But obviously no one likes to be in a relationship where they are serving no purpose... I don't care if the world doesn't see that she needs me, as long as I know in my heart she does when we're alone and she's feeling insecure, to answer the phone cause she hates doing it, to make sure she doesn't get done at the car garage, make sure moneys in the right account....all these things the world doesn't see.

 

So I guess there's someone for everyone - and it's great to be strong, but you've gotta be human too.

If a girls just perfect at everything and needs no one at all then yeah, if feel more like a kid than her partner!

[Shepp]

That being said, I think the issue is more that a man wants to feel included in activities. I can cook well but my boyfriend can't cook. So instead of me doing all the cooking by myself, we choose the recipes together and I direct him and he helps. He helps clean up afterwards as well. So its a team effort.

 

Totally!

Like laying flooring together - good!

Her laying flooring and telling me to back off like some little kid - very bad

[Got it]

I wanted to say do men like "helping" women, but that word is not allowed in titles!

 

 

This is a concept that I was never introduced to until very recently.

 

The idea that men enjoy helping a woman and that a part of that masculine/feminine balance in dating comes from a man feeling that he is "needed" so to speak.

 

It's been suggested to me before that my independent nature is offputting to men. I do things myself. I am very handy. Build, fix, lift, etc, I can do it all. I know stranger to tools and am strong enough to lift heavy things, and am not afraid to get dirty.

 

In the past, I thought that this would make me attractive to men. The fact that they wouldn't have to do anything for me, that I would be super easy to be with and no work, that I would be able to take care of anything and everything myself, I always thought it would be a MAJOR selling point, but it's been pointed out to me that this is not true, and I'm starting to see some logic.

 

However... I don't think it's that cut and dry. I think there's definitely a limit to it.

 

I've tried it out. Doing less stuff on my own and having men do those things instead.

 

I've noticed mostly neutral results, but a few negative ones. A few of "why the hell are you asking me to do this inane crap just do it yourself" attitudes. And I'm not asking for really arduous tasks, just simple things that take 2 seconds and just a lift of the hand... but when a man isn't expecting it, I can see why it would grate on him.

 

So I am led to believe it's a balance between doing everything myself, and asking others to help... that balance is to go ahead and do things myself, but if someone OFFERS help, to accept.... but never ask, because asking will likely inconvenience someone.

 

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

The Damsel in Distress and the Knight in Shining Armor is a common dynamic that is very codependent. I guess it works for some but it has never interested me.

 

I don't need rescuing and I don't want something to think they need to or that there is anything there to change. I actually find it highly insulting.\

 

My father has played this out in multiple relationships because of his lack of self esteem so a way to be attractive since he does not consider, just him, to be worthy relationship material. There are usually strings attached, though, that people don't recognize or acknowledge that causing things to back fire.

 

Sorry, no princess bull for me. My philosophy is, I am in the relationship/in love with the person because I want them, not because I need them.

[Frank2thepoint]

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

On a rare occasion, I will offer my assistance to a woman, regardless if I find her attractive or not. From experience, and the independent nature of NYC, most women just don't want it. If a woman does ask for help, which by the way is a rare case, I will offer my assistance. The worst part of helping someone is being an unsung hero; no thanks is even given.

 

I like strong, intelligent, and independent women.

The strong 'I don't need no man' woman who stubbornly refuses her man's help when he offers, scoffs if he can't open the pickle jar and will try to yank it from his hands to do it herself. Critiques his efforts when he does help, and makes him feel like his presence there makes no difference to her.

 

Just as by definition, this is what I picture a strong, independent woman to be. Such a woman has no need for a man, probably no desire for one either. Maybe at a minimum as a friend, but that's how strong, independent women serve the best role. Just a good, fun friend. But admitting that you are dependent on someone for companionship and emotional connection requires a greater strength, that no independent person can ever admit, man or woman.

 

 

It's the "Oh, you're my hero, you're so clever, you're so big and strong" part they like that makes they feel sexy.

 

I've received such "praise" in the past from a few women. I assumed they were being sarcastic or just ridiculing me. It was a turn off. Rubbing a hand on my back or arm, smiling, and saying "I appreciate what you did for me" is enough and genuine for me.

 

 

And perhaps sometimes men worry about offering assistance in case the offer of help is misconstrued.

now a days women are so paranoid from getting help from a strange man that they get the mace out before he even opens his mouth. every male is a potential rapist or murderer

 

In a city, the label that a man is a "creep" or "loser" or "stalker" or "potential rapist" for offering to help, dissuades men in the first place to offer assistance. Not to mention the really uncomfortable and awkward stare a man gets from a woman just because he had the audacity to lend assistance, justifies that it's just better to mind your own business.

 

 

There are many other ways a man can feel needed so I'm not too sure what some posters are talking about with them not liking strong and independent women who can do things themselves and make men not feel needed...

 

It's not about not liking a strong, independent woman. I think they make great buddies. The problem is most of the strong, independent women harp how strong and independent they are, trying to make a point they don't need men. Even just by actions alone, a man will pick up quickly that he isn't needed. Just as you mentioned that a man wants to feel included in activities, many strong, independent women do not include their men in many activities, because they feel they can take care of themselves. There's no problem with that in itself, but the problem and confusion arises when such a woman claims she wants a boyfriend, but never really shows it.

[EasyHeart]

Everyone likes to feel useful. Ben Franklin said that if you want to make friends with someone, ask him for a favor.

 

A successful couple is one in which the people complement each other. If a woman wants to do everything herself, then what is the man's role? He's extraneous. (It goes both ways, too. A lot of women are intimidated by men who can cook, clean and dress themselves. )

 

At the same time, psychologically healthy people don't want to be dependent on people or have people dependent on them. I've dated women who weren't capable of going to the grocery store by themselves. That's not attractive.

 

One solution is to do things together. Doing routine things together is a great way to bond and to tell if you are compatible. If you can't shop for groceries or change the oil together, then chances are you're going to struggle with the hard stuff.

 

Of course, some people go too far. This board is full of discussions about men who are White Knights and are motivated by "saving" women. That's obviously an unhealthy situation. I think the female equivalent of male White Knights are women who want to "fix" men. If a woman thinks of men as "projects", that's an unhealthy situation, too.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dunno...

 

Just as a casual observer....these "problems" are just more manifestations of why this big push toward gender equality may not be the greatest thing ever comprehended..

 

I personally have no issue...and really dont know anyone that complains about it, but it is interesting that people think about it enough to discuss it..

 

TFY

[Starship]

I was driving and got a flat tire in January...2 guys had it fixed in about 10 minutes. I was with a girlfriend and her car wouldn't start...again some guy came over right away and did something with those long clamp thingies.

 

No idea if all men like to help women but there's always enough to stop and help if needed. I've been in a lounge with friends and, when we leave, a guy will always make sure we are safe and offer to walk us to our car.

 

Anyways, it's always appreciated. It's just another way in which males and females interact and relationships form or strengthen. My boyfriend seemed eager to fix everything in my house after we started dating. Loved him all the more for it.

[cocorico]

I wanted to say do men like "helping" women, but that word is not allowed in titles!

 

 

This is a concept that I was never introduced to until very recently.

 

The idea that men enjoy helping a woman and that a part of that masculine/feminine balance in dating comes from a man feeling that he is "needed" so to speak.

 

It's been suggested to me before that my independent nature is offputting to men. I do things myself. I am very handy. Build, fix, lift, etc, I can do it all. I know stranger to tools and am strong enough to lift heavy things, and am not afraid to get dirty.

 

In the past, I thought that this would make me attractive to men. The fact that they wouldn't have to do anything for me, that I would be super easy to be with and no work, that I would be able to take care of anything and everything myself, I always thought it would be a MAJOR selling point, but it's been pointed out to me that this is not true, and I'm starting to see some logic.

 

However... I don't think it's that cut and dry. I think there's definitely a limit to it.

 

I've tried it out. Doing less stuff on my own and having men do those things instead.

 

I've noticed mostly neutral results, but a few negative ones. A few of "why the hell are you asking me to do this inane crap just do it yourself" attitudes. And I'm not asking for really arduous tasks, just simple things that take 2 seconds and just a lift of the hand... but when a man isn't expecting it, I can see why it would grate on him.

 

So I am led to believe it's a balance between doing everything myself, and asking others to help... that balance is to go ahead and do things myself, but if someone OFFERS help, to accept.... but never ask, because asking will likely inconvenience someone.

 

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

I think young, insecure guys often have this white knight thing going on where they feel worthy through being of service, and so they like to "save" damsels in distress. My H was like that with his xW, he spent decades trying to "fix" her and sustained a great deal of damage in the process - requiring a lot of hard work in IC to sort out.

 

More secure guys with better self-esteem cope better with low maintenance women who don't _need_ a guy, but just appreciate the right guy for the extra joy he brings to their lives. And couples in healthy, secure Rs know that they can be strong or weak or whatever they need to be at the time, because it is fundamentally a R of equals.

[Emilia]

I think it depends on how much that man likes the woman already. If he complains that you ask for help with 'inane crap' then he sees it as learned helplessness - which is Princess territory. I avoid asking for help unless I know the man well because I don't want to get a Princess reputation, it's generally not respected.

 

I like men who assume that I don't need their help because almost always they assume that I'm capable. The men (let's say in the office, ie neutral territory) who offer help with the slightest thing tend to have very submissive wives and tend to view women as weak. A colleague of mine complains that his wife is incapable of doing the smallest thing but then they have been married for 15 years and he treats her like a child, completely infantilising her.

 

I think some men need that dynamic but I like men that don't because in my experience they are the ones that truly want an equal partner rather than some doll to go home to.

 

Like attracts like and I don't want those that get off on domination.

[CrystalCastles]

I think the part where you said a man would like to feel included is AWESOME, and I think it suits what I'd like perfectly.

 

I don't want to just STOP doing the things I like doing, can do, and am good at, just to appease someone and make him feel "useful" - not to sound callous but it is NOT my job to necessarily make someone feel useful. I most certainly would never want to make a man feel useless, but if a man's personal beliefs in his own abilities hinges on whether or not he does certain tasks, well.... I just can't help him there.

 

I don't think that's callous and I strongly agree. If a guy wants to take part in the activities I'm doing, I'd be happy to accommodate him. However in this day and age, where women just like men, can live alone, buy their own apartment or house for themselves and be independent, its not realistic for a woman to sit around and expect some dude to come rescue her by fixing her tap or mowing her lawn. As adults, we should all be self-sufficient and we shouldn't rely on other people because you might end up living alone and needing to manage your house by yourself.

 

It's not about not liking a strong, independent woman. I think they make great buddies. The problem is most of the strong, independent women harp how strong and independent they are, trying to make a point they don't need men. Even just by actions alone, a man will pick up quickly that he isn't needed. Just as you mentioned that a man wants to feel included in activities, many strong, independent women do not include their men in many activities, because they feel they can take care of themselves. There's no problem with that in itself, but the problem and confusion arises when such a woman claims she wants a boyfriend, but never really shows it.

 

This is offensive and I don't agree. "Most of the strong women harp"? Where did you get that? ALL my female friends are strong women and I have never heard anyone harp ever. I am a strong, independent woman and I can take care of myself. I don't need a man but I want one. Why should I need one? "Need" implies that I am incapable of surviving alone, which is insulting.

 

If a man wants to feel useful, he can take the initiative to help out around the house. Do some dishes when he sees them pile up, vacuum the floor once a week, put in a new load of laundry. A man can always help his woman, with anything, not just fixing taps or mowing lawns or waiting for his woman to point out things that need doing. People who take initiative and are eager to help and contribute are always needed.

 

A strong and independent woman can want a boyfriend besides needing him to help her. As I already pointed out, as a woman, I need a man not because I am looking for a plumber or something, but because I want love, companionship, good moments and memories to look back on, someone to share my experiences and adventures and definitely someone to have great sex with! I don't know how that can NOT make a man feel needed!

[Phoe]

I think it depends on how much that man likes the woman already. If he complains that you ask for help with 'inane crap' then he sees it as learned helplessness - which is Princess territory. I avoid asking for help unless I know the man well because I don't want to get a Princess reputation, it's generally not respected.

 

I like men who assume that I don't need their help because almost always they assume that I'm capable. The men (let's say in the office, ie neutral territory) who offer help with the slightest thing tend to have very submissive wives and tend to view women as weak. A colleague of mine complains that his wife is incapable of doing the smallest thing but then they have been married for 15 years and he treats her like a child, completely infantilising her.

 

I think some men need that dynamic but I like men that don't because in my experience they are the ones that truly want an equal partner rather than some doll to go home to.

 

Like attracts like and I don't want those that get off on domination.

 

 

An example of one of the "inane" type of things I might ask for is if a coworker is standing doing work right next to the trash can, and I have something to throw away, I might hand it out to him and ask if he will throw it away.

 

It's not that I can't throw it away myself but I don't wanna brush my hand past his crotch or ask him to move out of the way entirely, so I ask him a favor to just toss the item into the trash while he's there.

 

That's why I put in the original post that it's the kind of thing that takes 2 seconds and a simple lift of the arm. Sure, it's super inane to ask someone to throw something away for me, but given the alternatives (crotch brushing) I think it's the best choice, and I don't think it's princessy.