Depth of Deception, Is There Any Line To Great For A Wayward To Cross?

[Mal78]

I'm sorry you have to relive this horror. I imagine these are scars for life.

 

As for this "friend", I do believe people change, they grow-up and realize the "horror of their ways". Some people get caught - up in "the bad girl/boy" antics and because of such they live the highs and not realize people get seriously hurt along the way. Once they remove themselves from people like your EX. They realize.... "holy sh*t"!

 

You were there for the conversation, only you can determine whether she was genuine or not. I bet you have learned in the past 6 years to better judge people and their intentions.

[bigman1]

Wow. Unbelievable. Now, think this through.... your Xww was a liar and cheat. She has tried to contact you to no avail. Her friend drops that garbage on you.....now you could end up contacting the xww to express your contempt... contact achieved. Disbelieve this story. If she was so sick as to do this for real, then she has it in her to lie to you now.

 

If its true, and so much says its not, then you know that you married the worst kind of psychopath possible and hung out with her psychopathic friends. All you can do is learn from that experience. What traits did they have that you overlooked? What red flags did you ignore? But, insofar as trusting people again, you can't ever let psychos keep you from the vast goodness of people.

 

Getting fooled by "emotional criminals" is nothing to be ashamed about. If they laughed at you, it was brief. They have to live with that knowledge that they were those type of people. A bad person can't stand themselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

Apparently it does for OP.

 

I dont think you are right. There are layers and depths to this.

 

Also supposedly 9 circles of hell. Once you're past the first, not sure depth matters any more...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SawtoothMars]

I have been struggling with this news for the last week and a half and it's like it just happened all over again even though I have dealt with her and she is out of my life forever. You can never be friends again and that is a fact and waywards that still believe that are smoking something special.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? How deceptive was your ex or soon to be ex?

 

I have one less deceptive on her part and more gut wrenchingly spineless on my part.

 

I was pretty sure my xWife was developing an emotional affair at work. She dis-invited me to her company Christmas party for the first time ever. I called her on it and we had a big fight... and she convinced me that I just needed to trust her. Ok. So her family has big New Years Parties at a family owned mansion. Last minute she wants to bring some friends from work a guy and a girl. I say Ok. One of these is the guy I think she is getting too close with. I didn't want him to come, but I also wanted to see them together AND I felt like I needed to trust her. So we drive over to pick up the coworkers and surprise... the lady can't make it. So I drive them over to the New Years Party.

 

They were mildly flirtatious... enough to start driving me nuts. I had no idea how to handle the situation and felt trapped. She goaded me to take on her brother in a drinking contest. Feeling lost... I did. She kept pouring me drink after drink. I will never know exactly what happened that night after 10pm... because I woke up in a bathtub around 3am.

 

Her brother swore to me that he watched them like a hawk and nothing happened... but he was pass out drunk too at some point.

 

At the time I didn't think they were in anything more than an emotional affair. One of her friends called me... and claimed they were messing around all the way back in August of that year. It also turns out that my xWife had badmouthed me frequently to work colleagues for a long time. For some reason hearing that hurt really bad.

[HurtOfGlass]

In my situation, I didn't have anything quite as bad as what happened to you (because the incident happened outside my own home) but on several occasions my wife arranged for me and her AP to attend dinner functions together with her where we all hung out together. It was totally unnecessary and purposely done by her and the AP to get a rise out of the situation.

 

Sorry for thread jack but I think you are one of most weak willed people. You took your wife back even after this? And after the fact that she was crying for her ex-AP and it was you who consoled her?

 

Damn me, if I ever become such a husband! I wouldn't even cry injustice because it was me that brought this HUMILIATION upon myself.

[aliveagain]

Wow. Unbelievable. Now, think this through.... your Xww was a liar and cheat. She has tried to contact you to no avail. Her friend drops that garbage on you.....now you could end up contacting the xww to express your contempt... contact achieved. Disbelieve this story. If she was so sick as to do this for real, then she has it in her to lie to you now.

 

If its true, and so much says its not, then you know that you married the worst kind of psychopath possible and hung out with her psychopathic friends. All you can do is learn from that experience. What traits did they have that you overlooked? What red flags did you ignore? But, insofar as trusting people again, you can't ever let psychos keep you from the vast goodness of people.

 

Getting fooled by "emotional criminals" is nothing to be ashamed about. If they laughed at you, it was brief. They have to live with that knowledge that they were those type of people. A bad person can't stand themselves.

 

bigman1, one thing I can promise you is I will never contact that woman again. Without offending anyone, women who are constantly the center of attention that dress to make me proud are now off my list of desired qualities to look for, as are women who live to look beautiful.

[aliveagain]

I have one less deceptive on her part and more gut wrenchingly spineless on my part.

 

I was pretty sure my xWife was developing an emotional affair at work. She dis-invited me to her company Christmas party for the first time ever. I called her on it and we had a big fight... and she convinced me that I just needed to trust her. Ok. So her family has big New Years Parties at a family owned mansion. Last minute she wants to bring some friends from work a guy and a girl. I say Ok. One of these is the guy I think she is getting too close with. I didn't want him to come, but I also wanted to see them together AND I felt like I needed to trust her. So we drive over to pick up the coworkers and surprise... the lady can't make it. So I drive them over to the New Years Party.

 

They were mildly flirtatious... enough to start driving me nuts. I had no idea how to handle the situation and felt trapped. She goaded me to take on her brother in a drinking contest. Feeling lost... I did. She kept pouring me drink after drink. I will never know exactly what happened that night after 10pm... because I woke up in a bathtub around 3am.

 

Her brother swore to me that he watched them like a hawk and nothing happened... but he was pass out drunk too at some point.

 

At the time I didn't think they were in anything more than an emotional affair. One of her friends called me... and claimed they were messing around all the way back in August of that year. It also turns out that my xWife had badmouthed me frequently to work colleagues for a long time. For some reason hearing that hurt really bad.

 

Ouch, how much do you want to bet the coworker was in on it?

[SycamoreCircle]

Alive, you said in your first post that the whole experience taught you so much about trust and people. If you had to summarize for others what the experience taught you, what would you say?

[Arieswoman]

Aliveagain,

I am sorry you are hurting over this "revelation".

 

I cannot see any reason why this female should tell you this hurtful unnecessary piece of information, unless it is a convoluted way to salve her conscience by "confessing".

 

This should reinforce the fact that you are a million % better off without your WS in your life and that you win hands down on integrity.

 

Sadly, it's trickle-truths like this that can creep up on the BS when they aren't expecting it. I hope you can continue to be strong and move past this one.

 

Good luck x

[merrmeade]

As a wayward, that is truly awful, and Im sorry for your experience.

 

To answer your question - yes. There are plenty of lines I don't cross. Everyone is different and has their boundaries. Clearly your ex had none.

 

I couldn't comprehend doing any of the things you have described in your post beyond the actual affair part. Believe it or not, we aren't all evil sociopaths setting out to inflict maximum pain on people.

Good grief, we're not in clubs here. Waywards don't need to defend waywards. Just let the poor man share and help him process. It's not about you, and his ex-wife's depravity has absolutely nothing to do with you. You shouldn't put him in a position of making you feel better or you really will be back in Bad Wayward Land.

 

This thread is about him, what he was told about his ex- and how that's affected him. Can we just do that?

[aliveagain]

Alive, you said in your first post that the whole experience taught you so much about trust and people. If you had to summarize for others what the experience taught you, what would you say?

 

Trust but verify, I no longer(with the exception of my two daughters) blindly trust anyone. I have also learned that just as people are capable of so much good they are also capable of so much bad and if the person you love intentionally sets out to deceive you that there is very little you can do to protect yourself.

[JS84]

Man that's messed up. But **** your wife and her friend too. You don't have daughters with the cheating ex do you???

[lgspot]

aliveagain,

So sorry this has happened.

I occasionally have people want to "share" information on my ex years later. Some stories die hard. And it certainly doesn't make the hurt any less.

Hang in there!!!

This woman probably wanted to clear her conscience delayed though it be. Even considering she may stupidly have enabled, at least her morality is in the right direction. Like you said, she's made her way in life. Nothing to gain now.

Sometimes we just have to say "F**K IT" and go forward......

 

Sometime I'll share an ex story. Often so bizarre we hardly believe this $Hit from an otherwise intelligent woman.

[Arieswoman]

Alive again,

To directly respond your original question, sadly the answer is "no".

 

All the BS's that I know could fill pages with a list of the vile, mean, spiteful, deceitful, unconscionable wrongs that were perpretrated against them.

 

It won't help anyone for me to list them here.

 

I am sorry you are in this club that no-one wants to join.

[minimariah]

dude... you SAVED yourself!!!

the b*tch is goneeeeeeee!

praise Jesus!!!

 

i would be THRILLED every single time i remembered her if i were you.

why you ask?

because the nightmare is oveeeeeeeer!

 

*plays some Kanye*

 

i think my X was deceptive.

i don't know how much, i don't know where they did it, i don't know if they did it in our marital bed, i don't know if they did it in our house, i don't know who knew, i don't know who covered for them, i don't know if she touched my personal items, i don't know just how much they disrespected me... his AP was his good friend - meaning she was a regular guest in our home. did that bother me? of course... at the beginning. now? i don't really care. the only thing i care about is my X being out of my life. that's what truly makes me happy.

 

and i trust people. & i love again.

my heart is strong so if something like this happens again? i'll bounce back, no biggie. i'll recover.

 

there's not a heartbreak in this world strong enough to make me lose hope and faith in love and trust and people.

Edited March 11, 2015 by minimariah

[Sassy Girl]

Good grief, we're not in clubs here. Waywards don't need to defend waywards. Just let the poor man share and help him process. It's not about you, and his ex-wife's depravity has absolutely nothing to do with you. You shouldn't put him in a position of making you feel better or you really will be back in Bad Wayward Land.

 

This thread is about him, what he was told about his ex- and how that's affected him. Can we just do that?

It was a direct response to OPs question. You know, the one in the thread title ....Seemed pretty relevant to me.

 

Perhaps you're projecting?

 

You might want to check a few posts back where he said my comments actually helped before you get up there on your high horse.

 

Yeah, you're welcome

Edited March 11, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[sandylee1]

exactly..you have no contact with her and this is what she tells you?????

 

Was the purpose to hate your ex even more than you do? Because since you've split up and gone your separate ways, why else would she do it? Revenge?

 

I'd be so ashamed I ever participated in such deception, I would take that to my grave. She's just as bad, if not worse than your wife. Pure and utter wickedness on her part.

 

The three of them (your ex, OM and the friend ) are the lowest of the low.

 

Please don't judge all women as having morals in the gutter like your ex. That is absolutely not the case.

 

I have known where a man brought someone into the marital home to help look after their child and with housekeeping. Claimed it was a cousin of his, who needed the money and a place to stay. It would take the burden of his wife and reduce her stress.

 

Turns out she was no relative and he was sleeping with her all the time. Until one of the kids told mommy, xx was 'playing' with daddy on her bed.

 

Wife went into spy mode and caught them red handed when they thought she was as work.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry to hear it, aliveagain.

 

It's funny, I've really felt recently that I've been letting go. I used to read and comment on every thread. Lately I find I'm just not interested. My posting is diminishing due to lack of interest. And I've considered it a darn good thing. My ex and I have been communicating just fine, the kids are good, life with my GF is good and life is on track.

 

But a few months back, I noticed a Facebook post where an old mutual friend was out with my exwife and a guy that my exwife had been friends with since HS. (My ex is blocked on FB but our mutual friend's photo still popped up on my feed). My exwife's family was tight with his family and we'd all even taken some vacations together. I always felt like he was a bit creepy - always single and had sporadic contact with my wife. I'd asked her if they'd ever been an item and she denied ever sleeping with the guy. I was a bit suspicious but never had any evidence of anything. He and I ended up being decent acquaintances.

 

So, I figured she has been quietly dating him. That seemed confirmed as the kids mentioned his presence more frequently. I was glad that I really didn't care. He can have her; good luck with that. Looking in hindsight, I can't help but wonder if he was a FWB for my wife throughout our marriage.

 

A couple weeks back, I arrived at exwife's house with the kids a few minutes early in the morning and they are standing next to his truck in her driveway. Of course, he made a quick exit without a word. It was 830am. At the time, it just kinda gave me a chuckle. He's probably expecting a right cross but at this point, I don't really care who she is sleeping with.

 

But then when I was dropping the kids off this week, the truck was in the driveway again. And she didn't immediately answer the door. My son finally used his code to open the garage but found the inside door locked. Finally, she came out, looking disheveled and claiming that we were early. As it turns out, she'd just forgotten the time change. She later sent a text apologizing (that she'd overslept).

 

Again, I really couldn't care who she dates. I've been dating for years now. And I've even briefly talked with the kids about him and we all just guessed that he's her boyfriend. I think they'll be fine (to the extent that's possible with this kind of business). But here's the kicker: it takes me all the way back to the first months after Dday when I wondered about the paternity of my kids. At the time, I tended to believe that the affair I discovered was probably her first and only. And as far as I was concerned, I was their Dad and didn't care to know otherwise; I'd never let them lose the only father they'd ever known. Now I do wonder if they might be this guy's children. There are some resemblances. The thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Four years from Dday and I thought I was good. So much for being over it. I'm kind of at a loss about it at this point. I don't obsess about it but I wonder if I should test their paternity. If he's actually the father and stays in their lives like this, it seems inevitable that it would eventually be disclosed. A part of me thinks that I should know that information in advance. But the thought of testing them makes me sick. My world revolves around my kids. I assume I could just get a strand of hair or something but jesus, what a step backwards. Ah, infidelity - the gift that keeps giving.

[EmperorR]

Sorry you had to go through that. Setbacks suck but the good thing is you will get over it quicker than you think.

[Furious]

Recently I ran into someone at a business function that was a friend of both myself and my ex. I have not spoken to her in almost 6 years as she was more a friend of my ex than myself. It appears that my ex betrayed her in some fashion and they had a falling out. I have never posted my story but the Readers Digest version is we were together just over 4 years, almost five, the last year she left for 6 months after discovery so I can't really call it being together. She cheated for two of those years and an affair child was born in year 4. A friend of hers ratted her out to me and a DNA test proved without a shadow of a doubt that my son who I had named after my deceased father and raised for the first year of his life was not mine. Did the lawyer thing, removed her from my life, complete 180, to this day I remain unlisted/published so she can never find me again(believe me she continues to try).

 

Fast forward to my business function that took place in the last 10 days. This former friend decides to come clean with information that absolutely floored me, information she knew but never told me because of her friendship with my ex. She started off by telling me how sorry she was for withholding information from me, she has felt guilty for years and always intended on telling me at some point because I was such an amazing guy and didn't deserve what my ex did to me. I did my best to tell her it took a lot of time but I eventually moved on and could care less about anything my ex is up to now. She than goes on to tell me that the few times she came to my home with this one boyfriend(3 times I can remember) for dinner that he was not her boyfriend but he was actually other man pretending to be her date. She said that while I was preparing the meal my ex and other man were fooling around in our house while she covered for them(pretending to be playing pool).

 

I actually fed and wined the piece of sh*t 3 times in my home thinking he was with her. I told her that I hope she can forgive herself for her participation and that the whole experience taught me so much about trust and people. I told her that and my ex is out of my life permanently and thanked her for finally being honest. Fu*k her. Even though that nasty bit*h is out of my life sh*t like this still hurts because others knew about it. I think of the laughs they must of had pulling that over on me, fwak. How can some people live with themselves?

 

I apologize to the waywards I may have been a little hard on this site but it was because of sh*t like this that gets me personally involved when reading other posts even when I try to be neutral and objective. Really, how do you cheat on someone you love? How do you do something like this to another human being? How can you justify being that person?

 

I have been struggling with this news for the last week and a half and it's like it just happened all over again even though I have dealt with her and she is out of my life forever. You can never be friends again and that is a fact and waywards that still believe that are smoking something special.

 

Has anyone else gone through something like this? How deceptive was your ex or soon to be ex?

 

 

 

Reading what you've been through and the after so long are revisited by the horrible deceit you experienced, you were handed another load of vile to add to to it.

 

I think that this "friend" of your ex had her own harchet to sharpen since the fallout of their friendship. This was not about apologizing to you, she could have done that long ago and with compassion. This was her passive agressive way to get back at her ex-friend. She knew you divorced and moved on, why not keep her mouth shut and not burden you with the vile revelation that serves no purpose other than inviting more pain into your life.

 

This woman is as vile as your ex. Ironically, there is no honor amongst thieves, they eventually turn on each other and will hurt others as pawns for revenge.

 

This woman, if she had an ounce of compassion or remorse would not have told you those things at a business function of all places.

 

It's obvious why those two were friends, they are both vile people.

 

At the end of the day, you moved on, you are aliveagain, life is beautiful, enjoy it, do not let the past ugliness shadow the sun in the days ahead.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry for thread jack but I think you are one of most weak willed people. You took your wife back even after this? And after the fact that she was crying for her ex-AP and it was you who consoled her?

 

Damn me, if I ever become such a husband! I wouldn't even cry injustice because it was me that brought this HUMILIATION upon myself.

 

Hurtofglass, you're in no position to judge.

[troubadour]

Sorry for thread jack but I think you are one of most weak willed people. You took your wife back even after this? And after the fact that she was crying for her ex-AP and it was you who consoled her?

 

Damn me, if I ever become such a husband! I wouldn't even cry injustice because it was me that brought this HUMILIATION upon myself.

 

 

It's funny that you said that, HurtOfGlass. You should look at the mirror first because you aren't even married yet and you are already a cockold.

[road]

Sorry to hear it, aliveagain.

 

It's funny, I've really felt recently that I've been letting go. I used to read and comment on every thread. Lately I find I'm just not interested. My posting is diminishing due to lack of interest. And I've considered it a darn good thing. My ex and I have been communicating just fine, the kids are good, life with my GF is good and life is on track.

 

But a few months back, I noticed a Facebook post where an old mutual friend was out with my exwife and a guy that my exwife had been friends with since HS. (My ex is blocked on FB but our mutual friend's photo still popped up on my feed). My exwife's family was tight with his family and we'd all even taken some vacations together. I always felt like he was a bit creepy - always single and had sporadic contact with my wife. I'd asked her if they'd ever been an item and she denied ever sleeping with the guy. I was a bit suspicious but never had any evidence of anything. He and I ended up being decent acquaintances.

 

So, I figured she has been quietly dating him. That seemed confirmed as the kids mentioned his presence more frequently. I was glad that I really didn't care. He can have her; good luck with that. Looking in hindsight, I can't help but wonder if he was a FWB for my wife throughout our marriage.

 

A couple weeks back, I arrived at exwife's house with the kids a few minutes early in the morning and they are standing next to his truck in her driveway. Of course, he made a quick exit without a word. It was 830am. At the time, it just kinda gave me a chuckle. He's probably expecting a right cross but at this point, I don't really care who she is sleeping with.

 

But then when I was dropping the kids off this week, the truck was in the driveway again. And she didn't immediately answer the door. My son finally used his code to open the garage but found the inside door locked. Finally, she came out, looking disheveled and claiming that we were early. As it turns out, she'd just forgotten the time change. She later sent a text apologizing (that she'd overslept).

 

Again, I really couldn't care who she dates. I've been dating for years now. And I've even briefly talked with the kids about him and we all just guessed that he's her boyfriend. I think they'll be fine (to the extent that's possible with this kind of business). But here's the kicker: it takes me all the way back to the first months after Dday when I wondered about the paternity of my kids. At the time, I tended to believe that the affair I discovered was probably her first and only. And as far as I was concerned, I was their Dad and didn't care to know otherwise; I'd never let them lose the only father they'd ever known. Now I do wonder if they might be this guy's children. There are some resemblances. The thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Four years from Dday and I thought I was good. So much for being over it. I'm kind of at a loss about it at this point. I don't obsess about it but I wonder if I should test their paternity. If he's actually the father and stays in their lives like this, it seems inevitable that it would eventually be disclosed. A part of me thinks that I should know that information in advance. But the thought of testing them makes me sick. My world revolves around my kids. I assume I could just get a strand of hair or something but jesus, what a step backwards. Ah, infidelity - the gift that keeps giving.

 

 

 

Time for a DNA test.

[autumnnight]

Aliveagain, this just broke my heart. I mean, first, WHYYY did she tell you that??? It almost seems cruel. But even without that, what you went through is just devastating (as are all affairs). You made a comment about why you are sometimes hard on people. While I have read your posts to be very frankly honest, I have never found them cruel or demeaning or with the intent to hurt. I have always respected that. Now, knowing exactly what you endured, I admire you even more for that.

 

And you are right. Women who live to be beautiful almost always have that constant need to be admired, like a bottomless pit.

[minimariah]

Sorry for thread jack but I think you are one of most weak willed people. You took your wife back even after this? And after the fact that she was crying for her ex-AP and it was you who consoled her?

 

Damn me, if I ever become such a husband! I wouldn't even cry injustice because it was me that brought this HUMILIATION upon myself.

 

there is nothing humiliating or weak willed about trying to forgive someone & fix the marriage. folks really out there thinking a divorce is some kind of walk in the park.