Rainbowlove Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 And back to the OP, please.... Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 And back to the OP, please.... the whole situation really is very sad for all involved. While I think the op acted like a boor, if he has any heart and any empathy, the punishment he will mete out to himself will be far worse than any that anyone else could. It may take a little while to get there, but he likely will in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 This forum is full of bitter individuals. The fact is, I got into this difficult situation because 1. it is EXTREMELY difficult to resist a gorgeous model looking woman who thinks you are a living GOD (and those are her words) 2. Yes, I lack self control, though not more than the average man. 3. Yes, my marriage was boring and I didn't feel fulfilled, though my wife is a very good person, but NO, I have not feel fulfilled. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. And she was EQUALLY involved, and EQUALLY pursued the affair. She was MARRIED at the time and her husband only moved out a MONTH ago. I'm under extreme stress right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. Anyone recognize the typical cheater victim-blameshift lines? I love the "bitter" one. We're all just so bitter. ROFL 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 In fairness to the OP, there are quite a few bitter BS on LS. That's no big secret, is it?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jan2012 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I already made the decision. I am staying with my wife. I am quitting my projects at the expense of potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars in income. I am asking my AP to not contact me anymore and to forget about me. I am starting a new life in a new office, and working on my marriage. I was honest with my wife and there are many reasons why our marriage shut down. On my part, I stopped sharing and communicating a lot of my thoughts and happiness with her (which is where the AP filled the niche), and some of that is partly due to my wife's tendency to react self-righteously and angrily towards things she didn't agree with (because we often have varying opinions about things). Through the years, I think subconsciously I expected a negative or un-inspiring reaction to things I said, and it stopped me from sharing my thoughts with her. We were both crying last night, and I told her my game plan on how to move forward, she said she will try to also improve the communication between us. That is where my life is headed. I feel for you and your family, now you don't have the fun for yourself or the job for your family's financial wellbeing, however on the flip side, things should get easier now that you have unloaded half of your obligations. If you stay on track, 1 year from now it will be 1 year behind you instead of still waiting to be dealt with. Good luck with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Well they say all is fair in love and war, and boy did the AP dodge a bullet with this one. Good for her. Her future has much more promise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jan2012 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I am going through hell right now. And it is the OW that is CONSTANTLY trying to contact me. I am not trying to satisfy my ego. This forum is full of bitter individuals. The fact is, I got into this difficult situation because 1. it is EXTREMELY difficult to resist a gorgeous model looking woman who thinks you are a living GOD (and those are her words) 2. Yes, I lack self control, though not more than the average man. 3. Yes, my marriage was boring and I didn't feel fulfilled, though my wife is a very good person, but NO, I have not feel fulfilled. So all of those conditions including not being able to leave my AP from the get go due to the work situation is what led to the affair. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. And she was EQUALLY involved, and EQUALLY pursued the affair. She was MARRIED at the time and her husband only moved out a MONTH ago. I'm under extreme stress right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. The fact is, I really love my wife. But our marriage has not been fulfilling. There is a difference between calling it like one sees it and bitterness... I understand that you have enjoyed your affair while it lasted, it's an awesome feeling, however it is impossible to have your cake and eat it too. There is always a price to pay. It's like using your credit cards.... its fun to shop, but when the bill comes and you can't pay it, hmmmm, was it worth getting yourself in this situation? General rule. It takes twice as long to repay the debt as it does to acquire the debt. That is where the bitterness lies, within the moment the bill comes.... and the food has been eaten. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I already made the decision. I am staying with my wife. I am quitting my projects at the expense of potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars in income. I am asking my AP to not contact me anymore and to forget about me. I am starting a new life in a new office, and working on my marriage. I was honest with my wife and there are many reasons why our marriage shut down. On my part, I stopped sharing and communicating a lot of my thoughts and happiness with her (which is where the AP filled the niche), and some of that is partly due to my wife's tendency to react self-righteously and angrily towards things she didn't agree with (because we often have varying opinions about things). Through the years, I think subconsciously I expected a negative or un-inspiring reaction to things I said, and it stopped me from sharing my thoughts with her. We were both crying last night, and I told her my game plan on how to move forward, she said she will try to also improve the communication between us. That is where my life is headed. This should become a Mantra for OW to read when questioning or needing to figure out the cheater who comes to them to help them with problems in their lives and pretends to have major marital issues in theirs. That you are the key. The key to their happiness. Not only is it complete bunk, but is an excuse to cake eat and when caught, they whip the OW under the bus, making her out to be a horror movie villain, and then lap up in the glory and high fives that they are indeed the Good family man victim to that awful awful OW. She is not to be thought of as a breathing human being who deserves closure and some peace because to be thought of as a living feeling person you must only sign the dotted line of a marriage certificate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Please forgive me but I must ask... Your wife just found out about your affair last Thursday correct? Not even one week has passed? And since then you have been to 2 IC sessions? That fast? I'm just a little confused because plenty of posters advised you to go to IC and you never mentioned that you already did...now you have been twice? Working on a third time? Coincidentally I already scheduled a therapist session prior to D-Day, and coincidentally, it was on the same day as D-Day that my wife found out. So my world changed about 5 hours before my first counseling appt. I scheduled to meet with a counselor secretly before D-Day because I was already dealing with a great deal of personal stress from feeling torn between the two women and the guilt regarding the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 If your now ex other woman makes another threat to self harm, and if you think she is serious, it may be time for you to call in emergency help for her. As I said before, she has a lot on her plate right now ( divorce, end of the affair, etc.) and it may be to much. I agree with him contacting someone to help her, but on the other hand, during their meeting the other day she DID admit to purposely manipulating him (self harm) so he would meet up with her. I really doubt she's emotionally distraught to hurt herself. Go read back a few pages, he talks about how she admitted this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I don't think we are disagreeing all that much. I'm not saying to meet with her, I'm not saying to talk to her without his wife present. I'm saying call her, tell her it's over and have a conversation with his wife sitting right by his side. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation, but he needs to face the music on all fronts in my opinion. And apologize for his role in hurting everyone. His wife is absolutely the victim here. But this OW is also a person that he was involved with and he dogged her, too. I agree but the thing is, in his previous thread it says she was the one who ended the affair. yes contact resumed (work) so really, since she was the one who ended it before he got caught, why does he need to tell her it's over? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I agree with him contacting someone to help her, but on the other hand, during their meeting the other day she DID admit to purposely manipulating him (self harm) so he would meet up with her. I really doubt she's emotionally distraught to hurt herself. Go read back a few pages, he talks about how she admitted this. I do hope for her it was for attention. For my beliefs, suicide is a deep personal choice and should always be kept private and no one should interfere with such an intimate personal choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Boy do we have a lot of self righteous people on these forms I'm not sure if it's because many of you are betrayed wives, and if so I definitely empathize with you, but you're not being helpful by berating this guy. I bet you'd be more helpful if you simply stated how you felt in the BW role because maybe that would help him understand what his wife is feeling. OP isn't perfect, AP isn't perfect, even BW isn't perfect. And neither are any of you! I could understand some of your reactions had OP shown no self awareness, but I don't think that was the case. He never behaved liked he didn't think he'd messed up, he didn't put it all on his wife, he admitted that he had idealized AP and was coming to realize she wasn't so perfect after all. I'm sure many of you will never make the mistake of having an affair, and honestly, that's great as they are very taxing to be involved in and RARELY worth the pain they cause ALL parties involved. But you, too, make mistakes. You, too, will struggle with relationships feeling "stale." You, too, are human and as humans we're always learning, always struggling, always growing. THANK YOU. Honestly, I came on this forum because I was struggling with this issue. Obviously there are a lot of people here who have experienced pain and betrayal and they are quick to form their judgements. That is fine. I have never claimed to be perfect, nor have I claimed to be righteous. I have also readily recognized that I have caused great harm. As for "throwing the OW under the bus", I have not done that. I have only been reacting to how she has acted since D-Day, which is often in a very aggressive and insensitive manner. Honestly, there is more to her actions and words that I have declined to mention on this forum which has angered me in the past few days, but I'd rather not go in depth about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I agree but the thing is, in his previous thread it says she was the one who ended the affair. yes contact resumed (work) so really, since she was the one who ended it before he got caught, why does he need to tell her it's over? She didn't really want it to be over. She was ignoring me to make me feel desperate enough for her attention to leave my wife. She's told me so afterwards. In actuality, that ploy only backfired as I didn't appreciate that tactic and actually spent some time detaching myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 What instructions has your counselor given you in your recent therapy sessions? Have you done what was suggested? Since there has been so much material, regarding the nature of my marriage, my relationship with the AP, and my own background, much of our therapy sessions have been spent covering these and allowing my therapist to form an understanding of the situation. She has not tried to persuade me towards any particular direction, however, she has asked questions which have allowed me to better recognize the nature of my feelings in my marriage, towards the OW, and also how my upbringing has affected how I communicate personal issues and recognize my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I'm not sure if it's because many of you are betrayed wives It's people hurting and reacting. Not all who are doing this are BS's, I see some OW too. When people are betrayed and hurting, whether it the BS or the OM/OW, it's easy to read something and apply it to your own situation, then react and lash out on here. It happens all the time, in other sections of LS too not just here. As for "throwing the OW under the bus", I have not done that. I have only been reacting to how she has acted since D-Day, which is often in a very aggressive and insensitive manner. Honestly, there is more to her actions and words that I have declined to mention on this forum which has angered me in the past few days, but I'd rather not go in depth about it. No where did I see you throw your OW under the bus. I do agree you are reacting to how she ignored you request for some space, threatened to show up at your house, threatened to self harm and also push you to leave your wife and was giddy about the dday and her having you all to herself showing no empathy for your wife or children. That is not a nice quality to see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I don't think we are disagreeing all that much. I'm not saying to meet with her, I'm not saying to talk to her without his wife present. I'm saying call her, tell her it's over and have a conversation with his wife sitting right by his side. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation, but he needs to face the music on all fronts in my opinion. And apologize for his role in hurting everyone. His wife is absolutely the victim here. But this OW is also a person that he was involved with and he dogged her, too. I plan to eventually sit down with the OW when the dust settles and tell her that it is all over, to not contact me anymore, to forget about me and explain that I am moving on with my life. My wife knows I plan to do this. I plan to do it when I am ready in the next couple weeks or so as I get my office plans in place. However, the OW has been persistent in trying to contact me despite my wishes that we maintain NC. I do feel that I owe her a final meeting because we did develop a deep connection that was both of our doing. In respect to that, I think I owe her a final face to face meeting to achieve closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 It's people hurting and reacting. Not all who are doing this are BS's, I see some OW too. When people are betrayed and hurting, whether it the BS or the OM/OW, it's easy to read something and apply it to your own situation, then react and lash out on here. It happens all the time, in other sections of LS too not just here. No where did I see you throw your OW under the bus. I do agree you are reacting to how she ignored you request for some space, threatened to show up at your house, threatened to self harm and also push you to leave your wife and was giddy about the dday and her having you all to herself showing no empathy for your wife or children. That is not a nice quality to see. Yes, thank you. Fact is, prior to D-Day, we were in a fantasy land, and so, I usually only saw her good qualities. After D-Day, which has been extremely stressful, I've seen how she has responded to such a traumatic life event, and while I understand that she clearly wants us to be together, I really have not liked the aggressive tactics she has used and also the dismissive and contemptuous nature of her comments towards my wife (to whom she considers herself superior) and my marriage (which she has belittled, including the dreams my wife and I had, which she has stated was that of "underachievers"). So yes, there are a lot of things she has done since D-Day which has rubbed me the wrong way, and contrary to her intentions, it's actually pushed me farther away from considering a future with her. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yes, thank you. Fact is, prior to D-Day, we were in a fantasy land, and so, I usually only saw her good qualities. After D-Day, which has been extremely stressful, I've seen how she has responded to such a traumatic life event, and while I understand that she clearly wants us to be together, I really have not liked the aggressive tactics she has used and also the dismissive and contemptuous nature of her comments towards my wife (to whom she considers herself superior) and my marriage (which she has belittled, including the dreams my wife and I had, which she has stated was that of "underachievers"). So yes, there are a lot of things she has done since D-Day which has rubbed me the wrong way, and contrary to her intentions, it's actually pushed me farther away from considering a future with her. This happens when you triangulate women and juggle them as yo yos in your life. Lesson learned, I do hope. No more kitty on the side on order. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 This happens when you triangulate women and juggle them as yo yos in your life. Lesson learned, I do hope. No more kitty on the side on order. Please let's not paint the OW in this situation as a complete victim in this. She was a willing participant. He didn't have a gun to her head. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
AprilTears Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yes, thank you. Fact is, prior to D-Day, we were in a fantasy land, and so, I usually only saw her good qualities. After D-Day, which has been extremely stressful, I've seen how she has responded to such a traumatic life event, and while I understand that she clearly wants us to be together, I really have not liked the aggressive tactics she has used and also the dismissive and contemptuous nature of her comments towards my wife (to whom she considers herself superior) and my marriage (which she has belittled, including the dreams my wife and I had, which she has stated was that of "underachievers"). So yes, there are a lot of things she has done since D-Day which has rubbed me the wrong way, and contrary to her intentions, it's actually pushed me farther away from considering a future with her. You did this to her. She's desperate and acting out because she knows you're leaving her. Many have done the same when dumped. It happens. You never talked about your wife and/or marriage n a negative way to her?? Come on! I said I was done here but this post annoyed me so I had no choice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Not every AP talks bad about their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 What do suppose could be fueling the OW to be acting out in such a disturbing manner? ( eyes rolling so far back in my head I can see my brain) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 My AP rarely talks about his wife, but when he does its positive. Sure, he says that there's less of what he wants in the marriage, but he said from the get go he loves her, she is a fantastic mother and a smart woman. No every AP trashes their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 No, I didn't mention to my wife. Why didn't you mention it to your wife? It would have been a good opportunity to show the OW you and your wife as a united front. Instead you keep your wife in the dark again and when - not if - she finds out she will feel that much more used, hurt and betrayed. Because you are still going behind her back. Trust me, I've been in your wife's shoes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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