elaine567 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 A thought provoking and soulful man does not place all in his life in neat little sub units to be toyed with and discarded. I too, came out of a horrible marriage with a man who was diagnosed as a malignant narcissist. I thought prince charming had showed up through my own separation to potentially whisk me off my feet. Boy was I wrong. I traded one neurosis for another and here i am not even sure if I even like men anymore. I am sure her red flag sensor was on the blink, as I guess was yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I am sure her red flag sensor was on the blink, as I guess was yours. They were obviously on hiatus, a Caribbean boat cruise, the red flag alerts that is. I find it perplexing and preposterous that this man still believes he is the catch of the day in this situation. He is a wide load, weighted with baggage. The lady needs to rethink the 'god' parable. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Since your M was unfulfilling - what do you plan to add to that relationship to make sure it is fulfilling now? And for the next 50 years? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) This forum is full of bitter individuals. The fact is, I got into this difficult situation because 1. it is EXTREMELY difficult to resist a gorgeous model looking woman who thinks you are a living GOD (and those are her words) 2. Yes, I lack self control, though not more than the average man. 3. Yes, my marriage was boring and I didn't feel fulfilled, though my wife is a very good person, but NO, I have not feel fulfilled. So all of those conditions including not being able to leave my AP from the get go due to the work situation is what led to the affair. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. And she was EQUALLY involved, and EQUALLY pursued the affair. She was MARRIED at the time and her husband only moved out a MONTH ago. I'm under extreme stress right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. The fact is, I really love my wife. But our marriage has not been fulfilling. Best case scenario - they both leave you flat. I said a long time ago, you needed to choose between them. You didn't. You still are not in a place to choose because you are being a coward. Your wife deserves better than you. You let it your life get this out of control - no one but you. How does it feel to be a god now? Edited March 10, 2015 by Rainbowlove 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AprilTears Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 OP, whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for all involved. My last comment on the matter is that you need to decide very soon and commit to that decision so that the one who is left behind can truly begin to heal. Best of luck to you, the OW & your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Proof that this section, which is meant for OM/OW is filled with BS's. Even the OP should be posting in the infidelity section since he's reconciling with his W and doesn't want the OW anymore. Why he posts in this section is beyond me. Then hit the alert us key and ask the mods to move the thread if it bothers you so much that he is posting in this section. Or stop replying to him if you can't offer advice. Everybody deserves some respect, berating him for posting in the OW/OM section isn't helping. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 OP, whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for all involved. My last comment on the matter is that you need to decide very soon and commit to that decision so that the one who is left behind can truly begin to heal. Best of luck to you, the OW & your wife. I already made the decision. I am staying with my wife. I am quitting my projects at the expense of potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars in income. I am asking my AP to not contact me anymore and to forget about me. I am starting a new life in a new office, and working on my marriage. I was honest with my wife and there are many reasons why our marriage shut down. On my part, I stopped sharing and communicating a lot of my thoughts and happiness with her (which is where the AP filled the niche), and some of that is partly due to my wife's tendency to react self-righteously and angrily towards things she didn't agree with (because we often have varying opinions about things). Through the years, I think subconsciously I expected a negative or un-inspiring reaction to things I said, and it stopped me from sharing my thoughts with her. We were both crying last night, and I told her my game plan on how to move forward, she said she will try to also improve the communication between us. That is where my life is headed. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I hope you stick to your plan. And, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. You and your wife have to work through your issues and reconnect, otherwise the A will start up again or eventually you'll turn to someone else (new) in the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 am asking my AP to not contact me anymore and to forget about me. Change your phone number. If your XAP contacts you in anyway, forward it to your wife with your reply for her to leave you alone. Do not hide anything from your wife moving forward. Get into counseling as soon as possible. Get your wife into counseling as well. You have a long road back from hell in front of you, but if you are both committed to working through it, it's possible. Best of luck to you... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I hope you stick to your plan. And, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. You and your wife have to work through your issues and reconnect, otherwise the A will start up again or eventually you'll turn to someone else (new) in the future. I am already in counseling. I have gone to two sessions, and I have another one scheduled for this morning. I am learning a lot about myself. One issue I've always had is that I am not good at analyzing my own feelings. My sessions with the counselor have helped me a great deal in trying to figure out the issues that I have been having, and why I feel the way I do, and even what my actual feelings are. I may bring my wife on board with the counseling when she is ready. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I already made the decision. I am staying with my wife. I am quitting my projects at the expense of potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars in income. I am asking my AP to not contact me anymore and to forget about me. I am starting a new life in a new office, and working on my marriage. I was honest with my wife and there are many reasons why our marriage shut down. On my part, I stopped sharing and communicating a lot of my thoughts and happiness with her (which is where the AP filled the niche), and some of that is partly due to my wife's tendency to react self-righteously and angrily towards things she didn't agree with (because we often have varying opinions about things). Through the years, I think subconsciously I expected a negative or un-inspiring reaction to things I said, and it stopped me from sharing my thoughts with her. We were both crying last night, and I told her my game plan on how to move forward, she said she will try to also improve the communication between us. That is where my life is headed. Def now heading in the right direction ...also you should tell her you met the ow and why...you cannot start moving forward in the right direction choosing to omit a lie 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 If your now ex other woman makes another threat to self harm, and if you think she is serious, it may be time for you to call in emergency help for her. As I said before, she has a lot on her plate right now ( divorce, end of the affair, etc.) and it may be to much. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I am already in counseling. I have gone to two sessions, and I have another one scheduled for this morning. I am learning a lot about myself. One issue I've always had is that I am not good at analyzing my own feelings. My sessions with the counselor have helped me a great deal in trying to figure out the issues that I have been having, and why I feel the way I do, and even what my actual feelings are. I may bring my wife on board with the counseling when she is ready. Please forgive me but I must ask... Your wife just found out about your affair last Thursday correct? Not even one week has passed? And since then you have been to 2 IC sessions? That fast? I'm just a little confused because plenty of posters advised you to go to IC and you never mentioned that you already did...now you have been twice? Working on a third time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Please forgive me but I must ask... Your wife just found out about your affair last Thursday correct? Not even one week has passed? And since then you have been to 2 IC sessions? That fast? I'm just a little confused because plenty of posters advised you to go to IC and you never mentioned that you already did...now you have been twice? Working on a third time? It happens. Our dday was on a Tuesday. my stbx went for 2 hour sessions that Thursday, Friday and Saturday. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Its fine you chose your wife but don't demonize and put down the woman you expressed LOVE to and blame her for loving you too. Its wonderful your eyes were opened that you love your wife now but your AP is going to still love you and hurt and have trouble letting go. SO ironic when SHE ended it you were distraught but you're now kicking her like trash? I just feel like its SO unfair. Its admirable you had an ephiphany but your AP did not. So fine, let her go...but at least understand her behavior is rooted in pain and lost dreams. If she was a monster you were too. Let her down with dignity. Your being cold and its not deserved. She didn't know your wife. She knew the hope and fantasy and dream YOU helped create with her and FOR her. How cruel to pretend she was some savage seductress ONLY cause you were caught. Its gross how quickly you turned on her...very sad its like you feel you did NOTHING to truly help either woman. Your the catalyst...YOU were married...now YOU run back to safety...throw AP under the bus and judge HER and cower in safety under your wifes wing...your comfort...this is about YOU and your self preservation His ap knew he was married when she got involved with a MM. Just because she didn't know his W, doesn't mean that she didn't knowingly cause harm to another human being. I don't have to know someone to not hurt them. One who has honor and integrity don't get involved with M ppl because they know that they are contributing to the destruction of a M. A sanctimonious union that is suppose to be between two ppl not three. Sure the M person let them into the M, but if my neighbor leaves his/her car keys in their mercedes I don't just hop in and drive it because I like it. I think that we all owe it to the universe to act with character and integrity and his ap nor him were not acting with honor and integrity. He owes her nothing, especially if he is trying to make his M work. Maybe the next time a MM comes on to her she will tell him to back off and get a divorce first. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) He owes her nothing, especially if he is trying to make his M work. Maybe the next time a MM comes on to her she will tell him to back off and get a divorce first. I disagree. I think he owes her an apology for getting involved with her, for the role he has played in her life, for hurting her and for making a series of bad choices with her. I also think he needs to hear what she has to say...and not just disappear and cut and run. In my opinion, that's more coward behavior. Right or wrong, this was a relationship that he fed. This is a person he courted, had sex with and professed love to. I turned on my XAP in a similar manner - although we both saw it coming. I let her rip at me for a long time. I also let her XH rip at me a few times. Why? Because I felt they deserved to be heard and I had it coming to me. Edited March 10, 2015 by Rainbowlove Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Wait...what? I'm not mad about your situation and I don't even know (or care to know) your situation. Who's the angry one here? If he continues down his current path what I posted to HIM (not you) is a possible scenario. How do YOU know that he will recover? Why is your opinion the correct one? Just because your "situation" worked out that way? Hypocritical much? Just ignore the thread jacking attempts. You'll find it happens often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 you need to stop lying to yourself you need to not contact your AP anymore for any reason and you start being honest with your wife tell her about the contact no more lying to your wife. the after effects of an affair is what ruins the chance of recovery not the affair, it is very important to do everything right if you are serious about recovery marriages can survive if you commit to the right thing this is up to you now who are you and who do you want to be for your wife……………….I know the pain and she deserves more because you felt more important ……….do the right thing for once I would be extremely hurt if I knew you after 2 days again agreed to seeing her what is wrong with you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I disagree. I think he owes her an apology for getting involved with her, for the role he has played in her life, for hurting her and for making a series of bad choices with her. I also think he needs to hear what she has to say...and not just disappear and cut and run. In my opinion, that's more coward behavior. Right or wrong, this was a relationship that he fed. This is a person he courted, had sex with and professed love to. I turned on my XAP in a similar manner - although we both saw it coming. I let her rip at me for a long time. I also let her XH rip at me a few times. Why? Because I felt they deserved to be heard and I had it coming to me. Well, we will have to agree to disagree because my DH called his xap once to tell her it was over and they we are rebuilding and no more contact. We got into counseling and our MC told us that there should be absolutely no contact with the xap in order for us to successfully rebuild (and she was right, we are seven years rebuilt). The most important thing is their M and the two of them shutting out the world to rebuild. His AP should not be contacted again by him ever. He doesn't owe here anything. She knew he was M and now he is finally putting his M and his W first. She is not a victim in this. The only victim is his W, the one who was left in the dark and put into an open relationship. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I just read your plan and I am proud of you so far of your honesty I hope this is a new start for your marriage and you as a person, you had what you needed and loved all along. Make sure you stay honest and honourable as the leader of your marriage from now on. there is lots of help with the next steps but right now the most important part is no contact is she finds out you have broken your word now you will destroy the only chance you will get to be a better man, you can't be proud of who you were but you can be proud of the man you will be now and for your wife and family who are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I disagree. I think he owes her an apology for getting involved with her, for the role he has played in her life, for hurting her and for making a series of bad choices with her. I also think he needs to hear what she has to say...and not just disappear and cut and run. In my opinion, that's more coward behavior. Right or wrong, this was a relationship that he fed. This is a person he courted, had sex with and professed love to. I turned on my XAP in a similar manner - although we both saw it coming. I let her rip at me for a long time. I also let her XH rip at me a few times. Why? Because I felt they deserved to be heard and I had it coming to me. And I respectfully disagree with you. The OP owes her absolutely nothing more than to tell her it's over. She was hardly a young, naive girl, unaware that he was married. And let's not forget that she is married as well. I'll agree there are apologies to be made, but not to her. She is just as cupable as he is. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Well, we will have to agree to disagree because my DH called his xap once to tell her it was over and they we are rebuilding and no more contact. We got into counseling and our MC told us that there should be absolutely no contact with the xap in order for us to successfully rebuild (and she was right, we are seven years rebuilt). The most important thing is their M and the two of them shutting out the world to rebuild. His AP should not be contacted again by him ever. He doesn't owe here anything. She knew he was M and now he is finally putting his M and his W first. She is not a victim in this. The only victim is his W, the one who was left in the dark and put into an open relationship. I don't think we are disagreeing all that much. I'm not saying to meet with her, I'm not saying to talk to her without his wife present. I'm saying call her, tell her it's over and have a conversation with his wife sitting right by his side. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation, but he needs to face the music on all fronts in my opinion. And apologize for his role in hurting everyone. His wife is absolutely the victim here. But this OW is also a person that he was involved with and he dogged her, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 What instructions has your counselor given you in your recent therapy sessions? Have you done what was suggested? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Boy do we have a lot of self righteous people on these forms I'm not sure if it's because many of you are betrayed wives, and if so I definitely empathize with you, but you're not being helpful by berating this guy. I bet you'd be more helpful if you simply stated how you felt in the BW role because maybe that would help him understand what his wife is feeling. OP isn't perfect, AP isn't perfect, even BW isn't perfect. And neither are any of you! I could understand some of your reactions had OP shown no self awareness, but I don't think that was the case. He never behaved liked he didn't think he'd messed up, he didn't put it all on his wife, he admitted that he had idealized AP and was coming to realize she wasn't so perfect after all. I'm sure many of you will never make the mistake of having an affair, and honestly, that's great as they are very taxing to be involved in and RARELY worth the pain they cause ALL parties involved. But you, too, make mistakes. You, too, will struggle with relationships feeling "stale." You, too, are human and as humans we're always learning, always struggling, always growing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I don't think we are disagreeing all that much. I'm not saying to meet with her, I'm not saying to talk to her without his wife present. I'm saying call her, tell her it's over and have a conversation with his wife sitting right by his side. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation, but he needs to face the music on all fronts in my opinion. And apologize for his role in hurting everyone. His wife is absolutely the victim here. But this OW is also a person that he was involved with and he dogged her, too. No she is not. She made her choices. They both did. If he needs to apologize to her, then by that logic, she needs to apologize to him as well. In my opinion, they either both need to apologize to one another, or no apology needs to be made at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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