pheonixrisen Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 It's over. I wrote a final response to a last letter she sent two days ago which urged me to think of the magical moments we shared and that we were destined to be together. I wrote her a final email stating plainly that although difficult, this was a hard decision and I have decided to save my marriage and we will both need to move on. She has responded that if that was my final decision, she would move on. So it is over. There will be no meeting. I hope it's over ....give it a few days probably she is shocked let her anger settle in ...let's see what you have invited in your life ? I would be surprised a woman goes from threatening self harm ...to going away quietly into the night.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 If what you say is true you will not take anymore calls, block emails and phone#'s finished means finished not I'll check or it's okay to read and email or text that is lying that it is over…………I see you still in contact is that going to stop for real? The email was the last piece of contact between us. It was clear in its finality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I hope it's over ....give it a few days probably she is shocked let her anger settle in ...let's see what you have invited in your life ? I would be surprised a woman goes from threatening self harm ...to going away quietly into the night.... The truth is, this is extremely painful for everyone involved. For her, for me, for my wife. It needs to be done though. I believe she has accepted things because I have never told her I would leave my marriage. She was only hoping that I would do so after D-Day. But this should not come as a surprise. She already knew I would be changing offices from days ago, so this has already had time to set in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 She isn't a demon. She isn't an angel. She is a multi faceted person with both flaws and good qualities. Just like I am. Just like everybody is here, even those who sit on a high horse acting high and mighty. I am sure they have also failed somewhere in life. All the facts that I've revealed here are true. The negative sides of her, as well as the many kind and loving things she has done. She is a human being. God knows I've committed many sins in this affair, so certainly, neither of us are angels. We were both married when this began. Sorry, but she is a manipulative user. Right now, none of that is the point What matters is that you are still in "affair partner" mindset, when, if you are reconciling, that needs to change to reconciling spouse mindset. Your wife's needs have to come first right now, and if you can't do that, then you have no business asking her to stay by your side while you sort yourself out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) content deleted by poster Edited March 12, 2015 by truncated Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 It's good to hear you've decided not to meet with her. Hooray for progress with building trust with your wife! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Sorry, but she is a manipulative user. Right now, none of that is the point What matters is that you are still in "affair partner" mindset, when, if you are reconciling, that needs to change to reconciling spouse mindset. Your wife's needs have to come first right now, and if you can't do that, then you have no business asking her to stay by your side while you sort yourself out. Birds of a feather. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Birds of a feather. It certainly is and again the woman gets a beat down and debased by both men and women, but the man is viewed as not a manipulative user and good god this upstanding quality man is zip, not a manipulative loser that the wife needs to get rid of herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 It certainly is and again the woman gets a beat down and debased by both men and women, but the man is viewed as not a manipulative user and good god this upstanding quality man is zip, not a manipulative loser that the wife needs to get rid of herself. Seriously. SSDD. And THIS is why I rarely come here any more. Support, my @$$. Also, this post really should have been in the infidelity forum, not the other man/woman since you've left the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 It certainly is and again the woman gets a beat down and debased by both men and women, but the man is viewed as not a manipulative user and good god this upstanding quality man is zip, not a manipulative loser that the wife needs to get rid of herself. I certainly haven't seen that, matter of fact, I told him to leave his wife, as did MANY others. But please, the OW is certainly not some innocent. She knew exactly what she was dealing with, just like MM did. Neither MM nor OW should be used for a PSA on fidelity and/or honestly. You're reaching. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Obtuse, if you ended the affair and OW agreed to move on...what else is there to say? What could you possibly be "granting" her if she requested another conversation? You'll be granting her nothing but false hope, delayed healing and more pain. If you're committed to your marriage..if you've truly ended the affair... what else is there to say to this OW? I'm sorry? I really did love you? I wish I could take your pain away? You've done enough damage. Focus on what matters. Your marriage. That is all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 It seems you will not meet with her then? Wise decision. Close that chapter in your life and rebuild a new one with the woman who stood by your side and was devoted to you... Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) This is the same advice given to OW. Walk away from the MM. If his OW was here I would be saying walk away. If his BW was here, I would tell her to walk away. He isn't being honest and transparent. However, his BW doesn't have all of the known facts. I don't see how it is different. Nobody here gives MM a pass. This MM hasn't been given a pass. This MM isn't leaving his marriage like the majority of the MM. He is given advice for where he is at right now (trying to stay married to his wife). Just like OW are given advice for where they are at the given moment. ETA: The initial advice given to him was to leave his wife as he was fence sitting. He has now decided on his marriage and no affair. I agree that future threads should be in a different forum. However, this thread was about the OW dumping him and then the fall out from D-Day. Edited March 12, 2015 by awkward 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 My problem doesn't lie with him ending the affair. It's his and others attitude regarding the OW, calling her a manipulator based on what a manipulator says about her. His first post was about how he felt sick when the OW broke it off with him. He got back with her and slept with her and then all of a sudden when his wife finds out , which BTW, is really what has halted the affair, not him, he starts talking about the OW as is if she has done something to hurt HIM. All she did was follow his lead. As an XOW it's hard to sit back and listen to a MM describe his OW as this one has done ONLY after he got what he wanted. OW are told time and time again on LS how MM lied to us, but no one is to believe they would lie about us?? MM like to try to make themselves look like they are just trying to do what's best for everybody but we all know the only one they truly give a crap about is there self. My hope is OW moves on and never looks back, the BS dumps his a$$ and never looks back, and that he is constantly looking back at what he's done to HIMSELF. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 OW are told time and time again on LS how MM lied to us, but no one is to believe they would lie about us?? Of course they would. In fact, many OW are warned about how they will be thrown under the bus. It is not shocking that a liar will lie. Both MM and MOW are 100% responsible for their own actions in this affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 My hope is OW moves on and never looks back, the BS dumps his a$$ and never looks back, and that he is constantly looking back at what he's done to HIMSELF. I read a prior poster which described MM as having a large mirror for himself. I personally feel after reading the entire story, he is a better match with the wife. This OW is a league above him and he seems to think quite highly of himself, so she would still his thunder and spotlight. The way he has described his wife she is the safer bet. This lady can do so much better than this man and all the baggage. I hope she realizes it, looks in the mirror, and begins to believe it herself and stops dating abusers, emotional or physical, the results are similar and painful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 wish i was a waiter,cuz there are some reality checks that need distributed. Has the OP come back to share his daily counseling? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 I went into the office today because I needed to tender my resignation to the manager and wanted to tell him in person the circumstances in which I had to leave. Unexpectedly, my AP was in the office. It's the first time I've seen her in almost a week, and seeing her triggered all the emotions that we've had for each other which I have been trying to block out. We went to a nearby cafe and had a 30 minute talk. It was very heart wrenching and both of us were near tears. She said she accepted my decision and knew it was a difficult one, and that she would move on. I had to also say good bye to some close friends in my office. It was a heart wrenching situation in all. Now, I have to focus on fixing a badly damaged marriage while grieving with the death of a relationship with my AP. This is a very bad place to feel right now. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Having been in your AP shoes she is crushed and mentally destroyed and if u care about her you will never ever contact her ever again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Well there goes another band aid for a marriage. I wish new laws were enacted in all states, 10-15 in the clinger for affairs, and then we would see how many marriages would be worked out if the man could not step out when he wished for some sugar and honey on the side to sway away from boredom or unhappiness or for whatever reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I went into the office today because I needed to tender my resignation to the manager and wanted to tell him in person the circumstances in which I had to leave. Unexpectedly, my AP was in the office. It's the first time I've seen her in almost a week, and seeing her triggered all the emotions that we've had for each other which I have been trying to block out. We went to a nearby cafe and had a 30 minute talk. It was very heart wrenching and both of us were near tears. She said she accepted my decision and knew it was a difficult one, and that she would move on. I had to also say good bye to some close friends in my office. It was a heart wrenching situation in all. Now, I have to focus on fixing a badly damaged marriage while grieving with the death of a relationship with my AP. This is a very bad place to feel right now. Did you tell your wife you met the OW at the cafe? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 what have you put into place so she can't contact you anymore? did you tell your wife you met with her for so long, you cannot spend time with her anymore, the affair will never end if you do……. I feel sorry for your wife I think you don't have the guts to stop worrying more about your girlfriend than your wife, already you have said over and over again no contact was your choice and so far you have talked to her, met with her and again and again disrespected your wife and marriage. what excuse will it be the next time, next week , next month it takes a good man to do the right thing. it's easy to respect someone, to be honourable…………. You have no idea how much you are hurting your wife by staying in contact after the discovery, the mistakes you are making now will affect her and her decision to stay with you, because you don't know it but as this progresses she will be angry sad and disappointed in who you are and may decide she wants out of a relationship she can't trust won't hurt her………… This is all very new and I am telling you she is going through hell and back, when the shock wears off she will get her head on straight and unless you are honest and she knows she can trust you I am afraid you will lose your wife and family……... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 When you resigned did you state clearly the reason was because you had an affair with your co worker/OW? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 Did you tell your wife you met the OW at the cafe? Yes I did. She knew I would meet her one last time. I told her what happened as it did, and that there would not be contact after. Honestly, this entire situation's been very traumatic and chaotic. What I have written on this forum has been a rumination of much of my own thoughts during this process. In reality, I have not said one bad thing about my wife to my AP, and not one bad thing about my AP to my wife. However, I am going NC with my AP moving forward, starting a new life at a new office, and am focused on rebuilding with my wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author obtuseedge Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 When you resigned did you state clearly the reason was because you had an affair with your co worker/OW? I did not share the details but let my office manager know that it was due to having an inappropriately close relationship with her and my wife finding out, because that would be the only realistic reasoning for me leaving. I did not tell anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
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