Cheating means that you don't love your partner the way you're supposed to?

[Rainbowlove]

Just as a couple can recover from an affair, but the M will be forever changed.

 

Seachan, tell us about your reconciliation process.

 

Tell me how, since recovery, your marriage is forever changed?

 

My marriage has changed, without question. Here's the kicker, my marriage is and will be stronger, as am I and so is my wife.

 

But tell us about yours, please?

[autumnnight]

I remember taking a psychology class in which types of intelligences and thinking were discussed. Most people, by inctinct, place things into categories. A blue sock is not red, a vegetable is not a fruit, a dog is not a cat However, in certain levels and types of intelligences, the necessity to place everything in an either/or category is not mandatory. A simple example would be ice cream. We all need dairy, so in that sense ice cream is healthy, However, it has simple sugar, so in that sense, ice cream is not healthy. However, if eaten in moderation, there is no need to make a hard and fast decision, and we can eat 1 bowl of ice cream without being in dismay over this dichotomy. That's a stupid example, but it is all I can think of at the moment.

 

How does this apply to the topic? Well, for certain types of people, it is intellectually and emotionally impossible for the category of "someone who cheated" and "someone who is not inherently bad" to share the same space. It is impossible for them to think it terms of "someone who made a horrifically selfish choice" and "someone who cares for their partner." It is understandable. We NEED things to be either or because it threatens a certain instinct otherwise. It is why a poster above suggested that abject and frequently discussed unhappiness in a marriage has zero to do with the vulnerability to an affair.Now we all know cheating is wrong no matter WHAT is going on in a marriage or a person, just like we know robbing someone is wrong no matter how hungry you are. But most of us have no trouble having "that child was starving, so they were vulnerable to stealing that food" as a dichotomy. We can still know stealing is wrong and still have the child arrested while understanding that they were hungry.

 

For whatever reason, many people CANNOT do this with infidelity. I think it has to do with this inability to think outside of definitive categories. No matter what spouse A did or did not do, spouse B's choice to cheat is absolutely wrong, and that choice is 100% on them. Just like no one held a gun to that kid's head and made him steal, no one holds a gun to a person's head and makes them cheat.

 

And yet, no one looks at that child and then recites a dissertation about how that child was likely flawed in utero, has a character deficiency that cannot be rectified, and never cared about the law to begin with, nor will they.

 

I believe someone who is cheating right now is NOT loving their spouse the way that spouse should be loved. I do NOT believe that someone who may cheat in 10 years does not currently love their spouse, and I do NOT believe that someone who cheated 5 years ago and truly repented is incapable of loving their spouse today.

[DKT3]

Seachan, tell us about your reconciliation process.

 

Tell me how, since recovery, your marriage is forever changed?

 

My marriage has changed, without question. Here's the kicker, my marriage is and will be stronger, as am I and so is my wife.

 

But tell us about yours, please?

 

In my case, we are not RECOVERED. I'm not sure you can ever be all the way.

 

Its changed both good and bad.

 

GOOD

 

1. We are no longer co-dependant. Starting out together so young its hard to develope when you have a person always there covering your weakness.

 

2. Communication is off the charts good. We hold nothing back...well except she claims my slowly thinning hair is sexy, and I pretend to like her mom jeans.

 

3. She no longer fears my opinion. For many years she wouldn't share thing with me for fear that I wouldn't be accepting or try to understand.

 

4. She isn't perfect. I had this expectation of perfection. Not in the sense that I thought she should be great at everything, but I had unrealistic views of her. Totally unfair on my part.

 

5. Emotionally open. I'm really an open book, I don't hide dissapointment well and tended to shut down emotionally in that state.

 

BAD

 

1. I just can't shake that two seconds of doubt. When she says things I tend to doubt just for those two seconds that she is being honest. I wish I didn't, and I'm trying but I can't wish it away.

 

2. She sometimes doubts my commitment, she has become pretty insecure that I'm here for the long haul.

 

3. She says that I'm changed, that I'm less trusting and slightly less caring with others. She also says that I'm less playful and don't joke as much.

 

Hopeful the bads are things that will come with time.

[beach]

I was thinking more about this concept this morning.

 

Love is all about action. It includes respect, honesty and honoring self and another person.

 

Some people "think" they may "love" another person:

 

But they don't "act like it" - not enough action.

 

But they aren't honest about what they are REALLY doing - so it's a lie/scam.

 

But they may "pretend" to be faithful - so there's really no honoring that person.

 

But they may "pretend" to care but go behind the other spouse' back which leads to betrayal - lack of respect by actions.

 

 

 

 

So - many folks may say or think they love another but when the actions aren't congruent with the words it can't be love/loving behavior! There's a lie in there somewhere whether the person realizes it or not.

 

And there are those that have never loved so deeply that they really know what love feels like - along with the action/honor/respect that goes along with a deep and significant kind of love that has true meaning.

 

 

Someone can tell me all day long that they love me but IF I don't have evidence of key components that signal love - then I don't believe they really love me. They have to act like it with respect, honor, integrity and honesty. They have to show with actions that they have my back and will support me.

 

They have to be willing to be honest about how they feel in good times and bad - and be willing to show they don't run off to another person when they feel things need work within the relationship.

 

And along that line - If they get honest - and even consider cheating... I think it's imperative to have solid communication that shows they can tell me if they are thinking they want to consider seeing another person - so that I have a CHOICE in the matter to consider what I may wish to do if cheating is on the table.

 

The facets run deep and wide. But without the components that involve authentic love - it's really just a lot of lies and pretending that's happening - and that leaves no room for any loving feeling.

 

I believe the lies and pretending and disrespect are often what gives the betrayed spouse that "gut feeling" that "something is off" when one cheats.

 

Cheating = no/little love. They may say they do - but really they don't. The cheater mainly loves himself/herself more. Purely selfish - and with selfish there is no love.

 

Love isn't something you just say - love is EVERYTHING you either do or don't DO - it's all about action. Every action indicates something... Good or evil. Figuring out which is signifies is key - but that takes getting to some truths to know for sure.

 

 

Some people can pretend for a lifetime - but they can't possibly know what REAL, authentic love feels like when none of it is based on truth.

Edited March 7, 2015 by beach

[autumnnight]

I was thinking more about this concept this morning.

 

Love is all about action. It includes respect, honesty and honoring self and another person.

 

Some people "think" they may "love" another person:

 

But they don't "act like it" - not enough action.

 

But they aren't honest about what they are REALLY doing - so it's a lie/scam.

 

But they may "pretend" to be faithful - so there's really no honoring that person.

 

But they may "pretend" to care but go behind the other spouse' back which leads to betrayal - lack of respect by actions.

 

 

 

 

So - many folks may say or think they love another but when the actions aren't congruent with the words it can't be love/loving behavior! There's a lie in there somewhere whether the person realizes it or not.

 

And there are those that have never loved so deeply that they really know what love feels like - along with the action/honor/respect that goes along with a deep and significant kind of love that has true meaning.

 

 

Someone can tell me all day long that they love me but IF I don't have evidence of key components that signal love - then I don't believe they really love me. They have to act like it with respect, honor, integrity and honesty. They have to show with actions that they have my back and will support me.

 

They have to be willing to be honest about how they feel in good times and bad - and be willing to show they don't run off to another person when they feel things need work within the relationship.

 

And along that line - If they get honest - and even consider cheating... I think it's imperative to have solid communication that shows they can tell me if they are thinking they want to consider seeing another person - so that I have a CHOICE in the matter to consider what I may wish to do if cheating is on the table.

 

The facets run deep and wide. But without the components that involve authentic love - it's really just a lot of lies and pretending that's happening - and that leaves no room for any loving feeling.

 

I believe the lies and pretending and disrespect are often what gives the betrayed spouse that "gut feeling" that "something is off" when one cheats.

 

Cheating = no/little love. They may say they do - but really they don't. The cheater mainly loves himself/herself more. Purely selfish - and with selfish there is no love.

 

Love isn't something you just say - love is EVERYTHING you either do or don't DO - it's all about action. Every action indicates something... Good or evil. Figuring out which is signifies is key - but that takes getting to some truths to know for sure.

 

 

Some people can pretend for a lifetime - but they can't possibly know what REAL, authentic love feels like when none of it is based on truth.

 

This makes so much sense. I remember when I was married, and my husband would not touch me no matter what I tried to do or be and no matter how much I explained or begged. There was something in me that just couldn't reconcile his "I love you" with being ignored, starved for affection, etc. Especially when he KNEW how it hurt. I began to believe that while he thought he loved me and maybe even did in his way, when it came down to it, he really just...didn't. He didn't love me the way wives and husbands are supposed to love. It was actually freeing in a way, because it freed me from the weight of thinking all the emptiness in our marriage was ME. How COULD we have a marriage if he didn't love me?

[Mr. Lucky]

In my situation cheating is about an emotionally damaged and vulnerable woman meeting up with a predator who wanted nothing but sexual gratification. Initially he chased her, once consummated it was all her chasing him, soul mates for two years until I found out. What kind of decent man destroys a family for sexual gratification?

 

I know we can go round and round on this, but he's not the one that destroyed your family. In fact, he probably didn't give you or your kids a second thought.

 

One of the two AP's had a commitment and obligation to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[goodyblue]

I'm going to ask my wife about this tonight. I wouldn't want her to feel this way forever. I'd rather her divorce me.

 

If that is true, how do people recover, find healing and move forward?

 

Are you saying recovery isn't possible at all?

 

I know I am not a BS but I fully believe in forgiveness and healing. Otherwise life would be a horrible place. I believe in love, too. My feeling is, get over it, embrace your life, or move on to find happiness elsewhere. It is there to be had.

[Furious]

MiniMariah posted in a different thread:

 

"cheating means that you don't love your partner the way you're supposed to"

 

Agree or disagree?

 

I've talked to my WW at length about this very topic. My love dictates that I could never hurt her by cheating. Is that what is really wrong when someone cheats? That their type of love does not prevent them from having someone else? Because so many WS's seem to profess love for their spouse yet they still cheat.

 

 

I think that some people confuse "being in love" as opposed to loving someone. Many married couples had that "being in love" phase, it's wonderful, but reality and time takes the edge of that exciting phase of love.

 

It's possible to fall in love many, many times in one's life, there a billions of people in the world and each has something attractive or something about them that one could connect to.

 

Sometimes cheaters cheat because they are just floating along, life's not horrible but it's not exciting as it once was. Many folks have no intention to divorce, and cheating is a way for them to have the best of both worlds and ultimately it's about a sense of control and abandon that an affair offers.

 

For some people, cheating is romanticized and therefore justifiable in some way. The paradox is that no cheater would condone being cheated on too.

 

I think, and only my opinion, I don't cheaters are really in love with anyone, they cannot give their spouse or affair partner true love. It's really sad.

[VeryBrokenMan]

In my situation cheating is about an emotionally damaged and vulnerable woman meeting up with a predator who wanted nothing but sexual gratification. Initially he chased her, once consummated it was all her chasing him, soul mates for two years until I found out. What kind of decent man destroys a family for sexual gratification? Maybe fewer affairs would happen if that question was pondered more.

 

Describes my wife's affair almost perfectly. In my case a happily married but vulnerable woman was sweet talked online by a facebook predator who she had met once before and he wanted nothing but sexual gratification. Only the vilest sub-human trash does that to a marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Cheating means that you don't love your partner the way you're supposed to?

You cannot possibly love your spouse the way you should and cheat.

 

Can you love them? yes....but loving correctly means putting your spouses needs before your own...and cheating certainly means you put your own needs and desires above your spouses.

 

Can you recover...yes and you can even be better than ever....stronger than ever....however....there are somethings you can never get back.

 

Innocence is gone....forever. I can never again say i have only been with my husband. I can never give that back to him.

 

Everything that happens to us...good and bad....forms us into the people we become....and it is a process that continues until we die. Marriage is no different. It is a living , breathing ever evolving relationship...so everything that happens within that relationship changes it.

 

We cannot predict how things would have been with out the affair...because we cannot second guess how things would have been different.

 

I can tell you...recovery can and does happen. Our relationship is forever changed because the innocence is gone...however...we also have learned to never take what we have for granted....we have more compassion, more patience, we continually try to put the other first and enjoy doing so...because we know ultimately if our mate is happy we are happy as well. Would we be where we are today had the affair not happened? I don't know....maybe we would have continued on the path we were on and eventually divorced.

 

I would never say we are "better" because of the affair..because that is not true....affairs destroy...

 

What does not kill you makes you stronger....

[beach]

Describes my wife's affair almost perfectly. In my case a happily married but vulnerable woman was sweet talked online by a facebook predator who she had met once before and he wanted nothing but sexual gratification. Only the vilest sub-human trash does that to a marriage.

 

VBM -

 

This comment totally blames the OM and places NONE of that blame onto YOUR wife - who IS responsible for the way SHE participated!

 

Take hi out of that equation - he could have been ANY man - it was your wife who did this to you by destroying the vow she made with YOU.

 

It's only on her - she was his willing participant! I'd want to know why. More than that I'd want to know what she's changed about herself that makes her not likely to do it again! It has nothing to do with you - or her OM = only to do with her lack of SOMETHING deep inside her core being that lacks character and integrity.

 

And until she completely changes herself - she's still likely to cheat again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Beach....this man has to blame someone....and he still loves his wife...and is reconciling. So he is placing much of the blame on the OM. He is a short time out from dday. The dynamics will change ...because relationships change.

 

Now....only he knows the dynamics between himself and his ww. Only he can tell you if she has done everything he needs for her to do in order for him to reconcile. She may not have done all the things you might expect from her or given you all the information you need....but she isn't your ww. She is his.

 

Your opinion has no bearing on it. So you can truly only speak for you...not him.

 

To say his wife is likely to cheat again because you are not satisfied with the way he has handled his own situation...is your opinion and not fact...it is purely speculation on your behalf.

 

We all need doses of reality to help us make good decisions....and we come here to glean information to help us in our process.

 

Many recommended my husband divorce me two years ago...after thirty years of reconciliation. They did not feel I had done enough to heal him...and sadly I had not....but I did not cheat again....

 

Now..I have done what he needed...he did not give up on me.

 

Vbm....is not giving up on his wife....and only time will tell whether he should have...but for now....he is satisfied.

 

And by the way...none of us ever completely change ourselves. We may change some behaviors, some opinions, some habits. But we do not change who we are...and asking someone to change completely is not fair. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are....even cheaters.

[autumnnight]

Beach....this man has to blame someone....and he still loves his wife...and is reconciling. So he is placing much of the blame on the OM. He is a short time out from dday. The dynamics will change ...because relationships change.

 

Now....only he knows the dynamics between himself and his ww. Only he can tell you if she has done everything he needs for her to do in order for him to reconcile. She may not have done all the things you might expect from her or given you all the information you need....but she isn't your ww. She is his.

 

Your opinion has no bearing on it. So you can truly only speak for you...not him.

 

To say his wife is likely to cheat again because you are not satisfied with the way he has handled his own situation...is your opinion and not fact...it is purely speculation on your behalf.

 

We all need doses of reality to help us make good decisions....and we come here to glean information to help us in our process.

 

Many recommended my husband divorce me two years ago...after thirty years of reconciliation. They did not feel I had done enough to heal him...and sadly I had not....but I did not cheat again....

 

Now..I have done what he needed...he did not give up on me.

 

Vbm....is not giving up on his wife....and only time will tell whether he should have...but for now....he is satisfied.

 

And by the way...none of us ever completely change ourselves. We may change some behaviors, some opinions, some habits. But we do not change who we are...and asking someone to change completely is not fair. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are....even cheaters.

 

True. I also think we tend to handle these things in stages. I remember that one of the reasons I spent years thinking it was on me to be good enough instead of on my husband to be a husband was because if it was all about ME, I could control that and find the magic key and have what I needed. To put it on him was to not have control over the outcome.

 

Realizing that it really was, in most ways, HIS fault for not stepping up, was a scary realization. Because it took the control out of my hands.

 

Today a BS may have more anger at the AP than the WS...because for today, that is what they can handle. At some point in THEIR time they will process the WS's role and responsibility. We all work through it in our own way and our own time.

 

I think one of the reasons that is hard for some to understand is because when they were recovering, they may have found support from a one-way only group, and that will color their own one-way only thinking. It is the same thing that caused me to find a particular kind of solace in my very legalistic church. Everything was decided FOR me according to a cookie cutter script.

[beach]

Beach....this man has to blame someone....and he still loves his wife...and is reconciling. So he is placing much of the blame on the OM. He is a short time out from dday. The dynamics will change ...because relationships change.

 

Now....only he knows the dynamics between himself and his ww. Only he can tell you if she has done everything he needs for her to do in order for him to reconcile. She may not have done all the things you might expect from her or given you all the information you need....but she isn't your ww. She is his.

 

Your opinion has no bearing on it. So you can truly only speak for you...not him.

 

To say his wife is likely to cheat again because you are not satisfied with the way he has handled his own situation...is your opinion and not fact...it is purely speculation on your behalf.

 

We all need doses of reality to help us make good decisions....and we come here to glean information to help us in our process.

 

Many recommended my husband divorce me two years ago...after thirty years of reconciliation. They did not feel I had done enough to heal him...and sadly I had not....but I did not cheat again....

 

Now..I have done what he needed...he did not give up on me.

 

Vbm....is not giving up on his wife....and only time will tell whether he should have...but for now....he is satisfied.

 

And by the way...none of us ever completely change ourselves. We may change some behaviors, some opinions, some habits. But we do not change who we are...and asking someone to change completely is not fair. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are....even cheaters.

 

Are you saying that this level of denial is useful to reconciling?

 

Are you saying that he is being honest with himself for NOW?

 

These are valid questions in the complicated formula to repairing any broken marriage.

 

And if that marriage isn't changing to become one based in honesty with oneself and the other spouse - what do you really have? A marriage of lies you're telling self?

 

I'm just thinking out loud based on your response... No intend to harm anyone - it's just such a thought provocing concept all the way around.

[autumnnight]

Are you saying that this level of denial is useful to reconciling?

 

Are you saying that he is being honest with himself for NOW?

 

These are valid questions in the complicated formula to repairing any broken marriage.

 

And if that marriage isn't changing to become one based in honesty with oneself and the other spouse - what do you really have? A marriage of lies you're telling self?

 

I'm just thinking out loud based on your response... No intend to harm anyone - it's just such a thought provocing concept all the way around.

 

I'm thinking he will heal on his time table, not another poster's or another expert's or anyone elses. Because people are not robots.

 

And really, I doubt that the poster in question actually thinks his wife has no blame. That is an extreme statement made by others to undermine his thinking.

[mikethemechanic]

I think that some people confuse "being in love" as opposed to loving someone. Many married couples had that "being in love" phase, it's wonderful, but reality and time takes the edge of that exciting phase of love.

 

It's possible to fall in love many, many times in one's life, there a billions of people in the world and each has something attractive or something about them that one could connect to.

 

Sometimes cheaters cheat because they are just floating along, life's not horrible but it's not exciting as it once was. Many folks have no intention to divorce, and cheating is a way for them to have the best of both worlds and ultimately it's about a sense of control and abandon that an affair offers.

 

For some people, cheating is romanticized and therefore justifiable in some way. The paradox is that no cheater would condone being cheated on too.

 

I think, and only my opinion, I don't cheaters are really in love with anyone, they cannot give their spouse or affair partner true love. It's really sad.

 

Well said furious Cheaters are looking for newness and they never can get over monogamy it's too boring for them it's not who they are or how they're built. You seldom meet a reformed thief. Imagine laying in bed beside a reformed black widow I would advise a person to stay away from any church who advises them to stay and tolerate a reformed black widow.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No I am not saying any of those things...I am saying you are projecting what is right in your opinion....onto him...and your are making a judgement call for him based on what is right for you.

 

While all of those things you have expressed may be true in your opinion...he obviously does not think the same way.

 

It is like autumn says..we process in stages. He is projecting his anger toward the OM...there may come a time he projects more of the responsibility toward his wife. If he is satisfied now....then it is not up to me to tell him he is doing it wrong...you have every right to express what you believe is correct...and while I even agree with your opinion considering blame....I understand why he is where he is.

 

And I certainly will not make predictions that his wife will likely cheat again.

And I said we can change opinions...we can change behaviors...we can change habits...but you made it sound like she has to change who she is.

 

I am still me....I changed my boundaries, I changed my transparency, I changed my perception of self....but I am still me. I cannot change who I am....and John would not want me to. He loves me for who I am...he loved me even when I was broken....I have fixed the areas I obviously was lacking in which allowed me to cheat.

 

All of us need to work on us...we are a work in process...and we hope we continually become better and better.

 

 

I fear that many buy into the concept that those who cheat have some genetic disorder that allows them to cheat. I think we all have the ability to cheat....some choose not to...

But that is another subject.

[Lovebug66]

This is a really interesting thread with lots of great thoughts, thanks everyone.

 

I feel this way about my WH, not that he doesn't love like he is "supposed" to, but that we have different ideas about what love is. To me love is so many things and you can love someone for a million different reasons. But if you truly love someone you respect them, want to listen to them, comfort them, try to understand them, gladly lend a hand when they need it, support them, try not to do things we know cause them pain, but give them a heart felt apology when you do (and we all do). My H just doesn't get that. He didn't have good role models of that growing up. He has always been "big man on campus" and hasn't had to put out a whole lot to get his fix of adoration or love in most of his relationships (including friendships, family and even work). People are drawn to him because he is fun and extremely charismatic, but if you look closer, he's not really giving much of himself to any of those relationships.

 

He is adamant that he loved me while he was cheating. He is adamant that he loves me now. The last time he said something horribly mean to me I asked him how he could say that to someone he loves after he calmed down. He told me he just gets angry but it doesn't mean anything. I used to think all that was just a pile of BS, but I think now he truly believes it. That's the only way he has ever loved.

 

I see this with our son. I know he loves him, no doubts about it. H had a trip this week, and was leaving evening Monday, came home midnight Wednesday. Did he wake up to see our son before school Monday? No. H left before he got home from school to do some things he wanted to do before hand. He didn't wake up to see him Thursday morning, or go to have lunch with him before he went to work a shift that took him past DS's bedtime. Same thing Friday. He has called him and told him how bad he feels they haven't spent any time together and how much he misses him and loves him. I believe that. But his own wants come first. That's just how he operates.

 

I remember a thread a few months ago where there was a big disagreement about if it was really fair to the WS when seemingly unrelated "selfish" behaviors get related back to their infidelity, and I think that can be applied here too. We all can be selfish. For me, continuing to see similar selfish behaviors after the A makes me think H just doesn't get it, any of it, and it's a losing battle. I know some see that as holding resentment, but I don't see it as resentment of the A, I see it as I don't like your selfish behavior that still continues. VBM, only you can say if you think your wife gets it. I completely see why her shoveling the driveway was big for you. It may not have to do with the A, but to you it shows core change, and I think that is what most BS's really want to see to truly gain some level of peace again.

[beach]

If someone told me that they loved me while they were cheating I'd have a severe reaction of wanting to slap them! ... And I'm not the slapping type.

 

But god - that's what love looks like for YOU? That would be my response... My next words would be "no thank you!"

[JohnAdams]

If someone told me that they loved me while they were cheating I'd have a severe reaction of wanting to slap them! ... And I'm not the slapping type.

 

But god - that's what love looks like for YOU? That would be my response... My next words would be "no thank you!"

 

 

During my wife's short affair, I do not think she told me she loved me. That was certainly a clue that something was wrong. Also, she did not want to kiss during that period although she never denied me sex. I knew something was wrong. I did not not what, but, no I never suspected infidelity.

[beach]

Describes my wife's affair almost perfectly. In my case a happily married but vulnerable woman was sweet talked online by a facebook predator who she had met once before and he wanted nothing but sexual gratification. Only the vilest sub-human trash does that to a marriage.

 

This was his thought/words that I was responding to. It certainly looked like his wife isn't to blame, yes?

 

It may not be at all how he feels about it... I was merely reading what he typed.

 

 

I don't need others to agree - but I have a right to speak from my own vast experience (which I often wish I didn't have).

 

 

I'm thinking he will heal on his time table, not another poster's or another expert's or anyone elses. Because people are not robots.

 

And really, I doubt that the poster in question actually thinks his wife has no blame. That is an extreme statement made by others to undermine his thinking.

 

Like I said - I only responded to his words. If he type as if the blame was on the OM but feels blame also goes to his wife - I didn't see that he typed that part - so I was only pointing out the obvious.

 

I never stated he should look at it like a robot. Heck, most things I realize about situations are because people point things out because maybe I hadn't considered that yet - and it gets me to thinking on a deeper level.

 

Of course he's going to do/think whatever he pleases. But we are all here having an exchange of info - and I always appreciate different perspectives.

[autumnnight]

[Of course he's going to do/think whatever he pleases. But we are all here having an exchange of info - and I always appreciate different perspectives.

 

Thisvis good. You'd be amazed at the number of people who can only tolerate one method.

Edited April 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Mr. Lucky]

vulnerable woman was sweet talked online by a facebook predator

 

It is misleading to use the term "predator" to describe an affair.

 

A lion preys upon a gazelle. A rapist preys upon his victim. Missing from both of those relationships? Consent.

 

A WS entering into an affair has not been victimized by a predator. If they were, police should be called and the hotel room (or where ever) treated like a crime scene...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sidney2718]

Sydney in great kindness I ask for your opinion is it possible that VBM's wife is struggling with her own sexuality. That it to say is polyamorous/sexual life?

 

I don't know. But it is possible.

 

I do know that most of the time infidelity has complex causes. And some times it is caused by not taking events seriously.

 

But I think that one of the worst things is a marriage that has become routine. The partners start taking each other for granted, and mostly that is a good thing. But in doing so relationships with friends can wander into dangerous territory while the partner doing the wandering feeling that it will never reach a dangerous point and that in any case their partner, their kind, understanding partner, would surely understand about it and might even laugh it off with a "you sure did something silly" kind of a remark.

 

At the same time, you don't want to keep your marriage from being routine. Nobody wants to spend 50 years married and doing detective work the entire time. You WANT to trust your partner without even thinking about it.

[beach]

It is misleading to use the term "predator" to describe an affair.

 

A lion preys upon a gazelle. A rapist preys upon his victim. Missing from both of those relationships? Consent.

 

A WS entering into an affair has not been victimized by a predator. If they were, police should be called and the hotel room (or where ever) treated like a crime scene...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do think his chosen word of "predator" hit me hard.

 

That word insinuates she had no choice in what she did. OP, do you feel your wife had a choice? Made a conscious decision to cheat?

 

There are some true predators out there that drug their victims... Is it possible that happened? I don't remember if your wife's affair was a one time thin for ongoing...?

 

On a different thought - I wanted to ask...

 

Do you believe in your gut that your wife respects you?

Edited March 7, 2015 by beach