Cheating means that you don't love your partner the way you're supposed to?

March 6, 2015

To me, that statement is rooted from the pain of betrayal. Many people cannot get over the fact that some can love more than one at the same time.

in my case - it isn't. thst was ALWAYS my opinion - even before i knew one couple who survived (or didn't) a betrayal like that.

later - that opinion and belief only helped me leaving my cheating partners immediately.

people usually don't have a problem with their partner loving someone else - they do have a problem with lies.

i believe you CAN love more than one person, absolutely.

but i don't think you can love someone and NOT respect them, lie to them & betray their trust. it doesn't have to do anything with loving more than person, actually.

for me, there is no love without respect.

i don't think you can love someone... TRULY & put them through the pain of being cheated on.

one thing - i see many posters writing "well, i love my wife/husband as parents and partners BUT *insert part about deeply being in love and desiring their APs*" - that's what the "not love the way you're supposed to" means.

that statement is my personal opinion - after all, that's the kind of love that i don't want in my life. i would rather be not loved at all than to be loved by someone who would inflict that much pain on me that comes from lying & breaking my trust.

to each their own, tho.

March 6, 2015

Sometimes it takes someone being the better person to bring out the best in someone else and I think that is what happened. I took the high road and stopped trying to punish her with a punishment that would never really work anyway.

it comes down to this, really - we have our own definition of love and we follow it. i definitely took the high road & helped my xH with counseling and with whatever he needed and i was SO ready to rebuild our N but... after we were done & when it was the time for us to try to reconcile? i realized i didn't want to do it. because i could never know the real reasons why my xH wanted to reconcile.

i simply stopped loving him in the middle of everything. that's also another thing - i don't think i can really keep loving someone i esentially can't trust. that's only ME tho. i forgave my xH, he's a VERY good man. he's a truly fantastic man... but i was just... over it. my heart started looking elsewhere.

so you can forgive but that doesn't mean you'll stay with that person.

March 6, 2015

If you love someone in a committed mature way, the very last thing you want to do is hurt or disrespect that person. So yes, cheating usually means you're just not that capable of a deep mature love and empathy. So does not picking up your socks, as far as I'm concerned.

March 6, 2015

Well said. I'll take it a step further:

Divorce = Broken Marriage

Infidelity = Broken Person

if this is true - how do you explain those people who only cheat once, get out and then never cheat again on another partner?

how do you explain those people who only cheat during a seriously big crisis in their R or M and never again?

do you truly think that cheating cannot be a symptom of problems in your relationship and marriage?

is every person who EVER cheated a broken person and needs IC?

March 6, 2015

A person who is cheating on their spouse is not loving their spouse.

Neither is a person who is choosing to hold their spouse in open contempt indefinitely.

March 6, 2015

To be fair the Bible also is where the institution of marriage is defined-and marriage is a religious concept, not civil-and also is heavily against infidelity. It is true that the Bible does say that Israelites who worked on the Sabbath would be put to death but you are entirely missing the context of that command and why the punishment was so severe. So don't cherry pick.

No I'm not missing the context, it was nothing that warranted death, but okie dokie. My point was God from the Bible is a mass murdering crazy person. Not the best source to use.

March 6, 2015

if this is true - how do you explain those people who only cheat once, get out and then never cheat again on another partner?

how do you explain those people who only cheat during a seriously big crisis in their R or M and never again?

do you truly think that cheating cannot be a symptom of problems in your relationship and marriage?

is every person who EVER cheated a broken person and needs IC?

I do believe some things are situational, but here's how you explain it -

EVERYONE goes through various trials and tribulations in life, but not everyone cheats. The difference is that healthy people have the appropriate coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and trauma and unhealthy people do not.

People go through various stages in life. Sometimes we are simply more mentally fit than other times. People mature through experience. I know at certain points in my life Ive been more mentally healthy than other times, no doubt.

March 6, 2015

I do believe some things are situational, but here's how you explain it -

EVERYONE goes through various trials and tribulations in life, but not everyone cheats. The difference is that healthy people have the appropriate coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and trauma and unhealthy people do not.

does this mean that every person who cheated EVER is unhealthy and has emotional issues? because that's a huuuuuuuge reach, imho.

i really cringe when i see the word "healthy" being used in this context.

being selfish, cowardly with 0 morals does not mean you're "unhealthy" - you're just not a good, decent person.

people who do cheat because they're trully not well and healthy are rare, that's another topic about patients with mental illness.

March 6, 2015

does this mean that every person who cheated EVER is unhealthy and has emotional issues? because that's a huuuuuuuge reach, imho.

i really cringe when i see the word "healthy" being used in this context.
being selfish, cowardly with 0 morals does not mean you're "unhealthy" - you're just not a good, decent person.

people who do cheat because they're trully not well and healthy are rare, that's another topic about patients with mental illness.

It means they did at the time, of course. It doesn't mean they will always be that way, but yes, at the time they were purposely violating the rights of others which is anti-social behavior.

Anti-social behavior is completely unhealthy. I think you are hung up on the word "unhealthy" but that doesn't mean they have to be batsh*t insane. Unhealthy is a rather general term. Lol, chewing on your fingernails is unhealthy, it doesn't make you crazy though.

March 7, 2015

I've never found forgiveness for my WW - simply because I will always resent her for what she did, and as long as there is resentment there can be no true forgiveness.

A lot of BS redefine forgiveness because we think it's something we HAVE TO do. IMO it isn't. You can continue to be with someone and love them, and yet not forgive them for the pain they caused you.

How does that work? How can you love someone and not forgive them? I think forgiveness is a way of letting go and moving on. I'm not being snarky here. I really want to understand this perspective because I see it a lot on LS. In our therapy, we've talked a lot about resentment and how it poisons your life and marriage. Honestly, how can you truly love someone when you resent them? In my experience, feeling resentful towards your spouse is one of the worst feelings in the world. I was extremely resentful towards my H prior my A. Nothing he did was right. I saw nothing positive in my M. The resentment literally tainted me.

March 7, 2015

How does that work? How can you love someone and not forgive them? I think forgiveness is a way of letting go and moving on. I'm not being snarky here. I really want to understand this perspective because I see it a lot on LS. In our therapy, we've talked a lot about resentment and how it poisons your life and marriage. Honestly, how can you truly love someone when you resent them? In my experience, feeling resentful towards your spouse is one of the worst feelings in the world. I was extremely resentful towards my H prior my A. Nothing he did was right. I saw nothing positive in my M. The resentment literally tainted me.

You can love someone and not forgive them. You cannot, however, love someone and disdain them.

March 7, 2015

You are on the right path, my man.

Even if you decide your marriage cannot overcome, you will be able to move on in your life and find true healing and peace for you.

You sound so much like my wife. It's refreshing to read your process.

I wonder what separates the BS who is able to get to where you are and those who choose to even attempt to go there?

I hope, Rainbow, that you are right and that both you and VBM are on path to healing and recovery of your M's.

But VBM is only 5 months past d-day. Anger phase doesn't hit for many until 6 months. Year 2 is reported to be even more painful than Year 1 because that's when reality hits that the M is truly altered.

The most poignant description I've read about the damage of infidelity compares it to an amputation. You wouldn't expect someone who lost his leg to just blithely get past his injury. Neither should we expect BS's to overcome their broken hearts and loss of trust just by ignoring their pain through force of will. (That's known as Rug-sweeping and comes back to haunt the couple.)

Obviously, amputees will heal from their injuries and go on to live fulfilling, joyful lives. But their bodies will never be the same. Just as a couple can recover from an affair, but the M will be forever changed.

March 7, 2015

People are capable of loving on a multitude of various levels.

But really - love without respecting usually leads to cheating.

Is it ok with you that she may very well love you but not respect you at this time?

Does she think she may be capable of respecting you in the future if things continue to go well/ and you continue to regain a more powerful role over her?

It looks like you're respecting yourself now even more. Which leads to another point in thought - if you don't respect yourself - who's going to?

It's good to have a solid, healthy boundary and stick to that no matter what - for YOUR well being.

And it appears when you finally figured out what that boundary looked like - your wife started to regain some level of respect for you.

Keep up the boundary... You're getting better at this! And keep loving YOURSELF too - it's good to see!

March 7, 2015

if this is true - how do you explain those people who only cheat once, get out and then never cheat again on another partner?

how do you explain those people who only cheat during a seriously big crisis in their R or M and never again?

do you truly think that cheating cannot be a symptom of problems in your relationship and marriage?

is every person who EVER cheated a broken person and needs IC?

Always dangerous to use words like "every". And I was speaking in a general rather than absolute sense.

But I won't be the first person to point out two things:

1). There are two people in a bad marriage. If problems compel one to cheat, why not the other?

2). Anyone in a problematic marriage or relationship has many options other than infidelity to address those issues.

It's a moral issue, not a practical one...

Mr. Lucky

March 7, 2015

It's a moral issue, not a practical one...

and i agree with this.

cheating IS the cheater's personal problem, absolutely.

it is about one's honor, moral, values, principles, character... all of that. i've been in many bad relationship and cheating was never an option, so i do understand that it is personal problem.

however, i don't think it's ONLY a personal problem - i think it's also related to the state of the relationship the cheater is in. that's why you have those cheaters who only cheat once & never again when they do leave that partner and find someone who fits them better.

for me cheating is a symptom of a flawed character & emotional issues but also of possible problems in the relationship. it goes both ways.

March 7, 2015

I think I get it. I think she's being very honest. She never intended to leave you and she never thought you'd leave her. In fact she probably thought you'd never find out, the affair would run its course, and you'd never know.

As for "love does not mean you can fulfill your own desires" in some way it does. She knows you love her and somehow deep in her mind she felt that you, whom she intended to spend her life with, would not mind her sampling some of what she willingly gave up for you.

It is something like going to the movies and seeing a romance and projecting yourself onto the characters. For an hour or so you become totally invested in your own pleasure watching the film. You don't worry about your spouse at all. They are, you assume, totally ok with your involvement.

Sydney in great kindness I ask for your opinion is it possible that VBM's wife is struggling with her own sexuality. That it to say is polyamorous/sexual life?

March 7, 2015

Cheating also indicates the cheater most likely has a defect of character. That has nothing to do with a BS.

Unless the character defect is addressed head on and tons of work done to change that element about them self -then any spouse staying is just left with someone who's likely to cheat again.

March 7, 2015

minimara post #54,

if this is true - how do you explain those people who only cheat once, get out and then never cheat again on another partner?

how do you know they aren't cheating? maybe they got caught once and were more careful the next time?

how do you explain those people who only cheat during a seriously big crisis in their R or M and never again?

again, see my first response. If this is how the cheater deals with problems then it's bound to happen again.

do you truly think that cheating cannot be a symptom of problems in your relationship and marriage?

No. It is a reflection on the cheater's ability to deal with those problems.

Anyone who thinks that having an affair is a solution to marital difficulties has their head so far up their fundament they can't see daylight.

March 7, 2015

how do you know they aren't cheating? maybe they got caught once and were more careful the next time?

does it matter how i know?

they aren't cheating.

if i didn't know for sure, i wouldn't mention it.

again, see my first response. If this is how the cheater deals with problems then it's bound to happen again.

& what if that isn't how the cheater deals with problems?

cheater can also realize her or his mistake & NOT do it again.

cheaters who don't work on themselves + don't really see it as something wrong will cheat again, yes.

No. It is a reflection on the cheater's ability to deal with those problems.

it can also be a reflection of unhappy relationship & problems in said relationship - you're either lacking something in the relationship or you simply don't love your partner anymore. it's not unusual that people actually have BETTER relationships and marriages after the A because their communication gets better, they're more open and honest with each other.

if you want my completely honest opinion based on my own experience (it's just my opinion, not a fact and i'm maybe wrong) - to me, cheating is usually a sign that the relationship is over.

Anyone who thinks that having an affair is a solution to marital difficulties has their head so far up their fundament they can't see daylight.

does anyone really think that?

i have never heard anyone ever say that cheating is a SOLUTION to marital difficulties. people who cheat usually don't really think about their M & marital problems... let alone about finding a solution.

March 7, 2015

Minimariah,

cheater can also realize her or his mistake & NOT do it again.

Yes, I believe that it is possible for anyone to realise the error of their ways and not cheat again, I just haven't seen much evidence of it.

it can also be a reflection of unhappy relationship & problems in said relationship - you're either lacking something in the relationship or you simply don't love your partner anymore.

I agree with this in part.

IMO most cheaters are looking for something they think they aren't getting in their primary relationship. It may be tangible, it may be not. It may be real, it may be imagined. Cheaters make the mistake of thinking that it's their SO's job to make them happy when it isn't.

If they don't love their SO any more then the mature and responsible course of action is to tell the other person and give them informed choice.

if you want my completely honest opinion based on my own experience (it's just my opinion, not a fact and i'm maybe wrong) - to me, cheating is usually a sign that the relationship is over.

^^^ I agree 100% - I have never been a big fan of reconciliation.

i have never heard anyone ever say that cheating is a SOLUTION to marital difficulties. people who cheat usually don't really think about their M & marital problems... let alone about finding a solution.

In my sitch, my exH told me that his affair "was a distraction until things got better at home", which says a great deal about his coping strategies. What was "wrong at home" (from his point of view) was that he wasn't getting to be a passenger in the marriage any more. I'd told him straight that I wasn't prepared to pick up his lazy slack any longer and he had to put some more effort in.

He married his AP and they are still together. (I have no idea if he's cheated again) So he's found someone else to carry him around, be a "sexual housekeeper" for him and not challenge him intellectually. (She's as thick as a brick) This shows me that he feels threatened by intelligent independent women, and this is a flaw in his personality.

So yes, I believe all cheaters are flawed in some way.

March 7, 2015

For me "the way your supposed to" doesn't really mean anything. I see it that a cheater does not love you in the same way as you love them. Love doesn't mean the same thing to a cheater as it does to you. For them, love is not the profound, sacred feeling that many BS's feel it is, and that sexual & emotional fidelity is a cornerstone of your relationship. For you, sex is not just sex - it is the physical expression of love and trust, and it's special because you save it only for each other.

Cheaters don't share this perspective and are confused to the point of being incredulous that their BS doesn't just accept the old "it didn't mean anything to me - it was just sex". They don't understand that the emotional attachment, however short, and the physical act of sex with OM/OW is shattering to their being. It destroys all the things that the BS considered as special and those things can never be repaired. For a BS to reconcile it means they accept that their relationship is forever tarnished and can never hold that special place in their heart.

I think that cheating is the “normal” human condition and the above is a great expiation why some people don’t cheat. Problems occur when someone who thinks sex is special assumes their spouse feels the same way.

If the affair is discovered the WS just doesn’tget it. It’s like the married couple come from two different cultures.

March 7, 2015

I hope, Rainbow, that you are right and that both you and VBM are on path to healing and recovery of your M's.

But VBM is only 5 months past d-day. Anger phase doesn't hit for many until 6 months. Year 2 is reported to be even more painful than Year 1 because that's when reality hits that the M is truly altered.

The most poignant description I've read about the damage of infidelity compares it to an amputation. You wouldn't expect someone who lost his leg to just blithely get past his injury. Neither should we expect BS's to overcome their broken hearts and loss of trust just by ignoring their pain through force of will. (That's known as Rug-sweeping and comes back to haunt the couple.)

Obviously, amputees will heal from their injuries and go on to live fulfilling, joyful lives. But their bodies will never be the same. Just as a couple can recover from an affair, but the M will be forever changed.

I'm fully aware of the stages involved in affair recovery. It's no easy task.

Here's what I know too - if two ppl are committed to get through, they can. Both parties need to be all in.

It may very well be that Cannot Be Broken Man hasn't fully felt all of it, it's more than likely they have a lot of work to do.

Today, he's willing to work on it with his wife. She's a lucky woman and I'm sure she knows it.

She also has to do her work and be prepared in the event he decides he can no longer fight for it. Ultimately, like him, she has to be happy for herself and find her own forgiveness no matter what happens to their marriage.

He said it best, forgiveness is for the individual to move forward in life.

There are no guarantees in this process, just the process itself. He's in the process and he seems like he's in it for the long haul.

31 years together. I wish them another 40!!!

Edited March 7, 2015 by Rainbowlove

March 7, 2015

In my situation cheating is about an emotionally damaged and vulnerable woman meeting up with a predator who wanted nothing but sexual gratification. Initially he chased her, once consummated it was all her chasing him, soul mates for two years until I found out. What kind of decent man destroys a family for sexual gratification? Maybe fewer affairs would happen if that question was pondered more.

There is nothing romantic about an affair, it's an illusion based on deception and everyone involved gets hurt in the end. Yes, everyone that knows you gets hurt, that's why it's always secret.

March 7, 2015

People who cheat don't love their partner the way institution of marriage dictates, which is why cheating is a problem in the first place.

March 7, 2015

I've talked to my wife about this and she does profess a deep love for me that has not changed from before, during or after. She tells me that she never had any thoughts of not doing it in terms of losing me, she never even thought about that as a possibility to her cheating. She says she simply took US for granted which I think is the truth. She took a lot of the things she has been given for granted. So I think that is where the entitlement comes in.

It is not about loving the BS.

For not all WW's rewrite their marriage history with falsehoods to justify her affair. For all do not do this.

They have no intention of wanting to leave their marriage they just want extra fun, excitement, experience the thrill of something new.

They do so because they convince themselves no harm will be done because my BH will never find out.

Why?

They are weak and easily yield to temptation.

As a married man I see a good looking woman. Whether and actress, co-worker, girl next door. Natural to be attracted and think, for a moment it would be nice to have a relationship with her.

After all she is a 10.

This does not make me see my wife as not being hot. Their attractiveness does not make me love my wife less.

Those that do not cheat are not just strong willed. Even the weaker willed one's avoid cheating by working at maintaining strong boundaries between the opposite sex.

They do not have opposite sex friends.

They do not go out drinking without their spouse.

They do not have personal conversations at work, including complimenting others looks.

They spend their recreational activities with same sex people.

When activities are done mixed sex they are done as couples.

I have yet to turn down advances from any of Hollywood's "10".

What and miss a chance of lifetime?

Or is it mainly I still waiting for them to tempt me?

Sign In

Cheating means that you don't love your partner the way you're supposed to?

Recommended Posts

minimariah

minimariah

preraph

minimariah

autumnnight

Spectre

HereNorThere

minimariah

HereNorThere

violet1

autumnnight

Seachan

beach

Mr. Lucky

minimariah

mikethemechanic

beach

Arieswoman

minimariah

Arieswoman

Buckeye2

Rainbowlove

aliveagain

WomenWubber

road

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...