Making it to MC on Friday will be.....

[autumnnight]

The last 2 nights I've told her she needs to find other sleeping arrangements because I've been sleeping in the tv room upstairs. Each night she got in the bed @ 9pm despite me telling her I was sleeping in the bed. She hasn't wanted to share a bed since the exposure.

 

Last night, I couldn't stomach getting in the bed so I slept upstairs.

 

I can't do it. She is amazed that I have trust issues. We are snowed in today and I told her she needed to go to work anyway. She asked why and I said "I don't like you talking to him in my home." She just said, "oh"

 

Well, she is going to work. I asked her if she is really going to work and she said, "yeah, I have a bunch of stuff to do sitting on my desk" I responded my asking, "you sure you're not going to his place?" "Whatever, OP" I was completely calm and mellow when I engaged with her.

 

Look, I know the feminists are beside themselves with me, but this woman has shown no remorse, continues to work in the same office as AP and is dumbfounded that I don't trust her.

 

I'm filing for divorce. I can't take this crap anymore and I'm going to get my kids. Her AP believes he is the smartest guy in the room but referencing drugs on his facebook page isn't going to help her cause. He believes he is sheltered but there are people watching them both like a hawk and they have no clue.

 

There is a smidge of my soul that feels sorry for her and that's the part I need to work on before filing for divorce. I need to have a clear mind for what's on the horizion.

 

I'm sorry, if anyone is still sympathizing with her after reading this, I am aghast. She shows a complete lack of empathy.

[aliveagain]

The last 2 nights I've told her she needs to find other sleeping arrangements because I've been sleeping in the tv room upstairs. Each night she got in the bed @ 9pm despite me telling her I was sleeping in the bed. She hasn't wanted to share a bed since the exposure.

 

Last night, I couldn't stomach getting in the bed so I slept upstairs.

 

I can't do it. She is amazed that I have trust issues. We are snowed in today and I told her she needed to go to work anyway. She asked why and I said "I don't like you talking to him in my home." She just said, "oh"

 

Well, she is going to work. I asked her if she is really going to work and she said, "yeah, I have a bunch of stuff to do sitting on my desk" I responded my asking, "you sure you're not going to his place?" "Whatever, OP" I was completely calm and mellow when I engaged with her.

 

Look, I know the feminists are beside themselves with me, but this woman has shown no remorse, continues to work in the same office as AP and is dumbfounded that I don't trust her.

 

I'm filing for divorce. I can't take this crap anymore and I'm going to get my kids. Her AP believes he is the smartest guy in the room but referencing drugs on his facebook page isn't going to help her cause. He believes he is sheltered but there are people watching them both like a hawk and they have no clue.

 

There is a smidge of my soul that feels sorry for her and that's the part I need to work on before filing for divorce. I need to have a clear mind for what's on the horizion.

 

You should file regardless, it takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree, it shows your serious. The call is yours in the end if you stop it or finish it. One thing I can say for sure is that when an affair goes on as long as theirs has, no protection was used. I am trying to be objective but I just can't get rid of the song by Imelda May called "Tainted Love" out of my head every time I read a post on your thread.

[bamawsp]

You should file regardless, it takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree, it shows your serious. The call is yours in the end if you stop it or finish it. One thing I can say for sure is that when an affair goes on as long as theirs has, no protection was used. I am trying to be objective but I just can't get rid of the song by Imelda May called "Tainted Love" out of my head every time I read a post on your thread.

 

No doubt protection wasn't used. She said the sex stopped a few years ago but I have ZERO reason to believe her. Hell, I began to unravel this thing this past November when he sent anal porn to her phone. Each layer I pulled back they would go further underground.

 

This person isn't capable of showing remorse for anything. Her mother has been telling me this for years and I've lived it. She knows I'm already gone and I can sense the fear.

[aliveagain]

No doubt protection wasn't used. She said the sex stopped a few years ago but I have ZERO reason to believe her. Hell, I began to unravel this thing this past November when he sent anal porn to her phone. Each layer I pulled back they would go further underground.

 

This person isn't capable of showing remorse for anything. Her mother has been telling me this for years and I've lived it. She knows I'm already gone and I can sense the fear.

 

This must have some special meaning to them than. You will often read on here that a wayward spouse will do things for their affair partner that they won't do for their spouse which adds to the imbalance. You do what you need to do to get back the respect and integrity she so freely flushed down a toilet with her affair. With long term affairs it is often the case that many people know about them. Who knows what they said about you, ya, do what you need to do. Be selfish, it's your turn.

[truncated]

Quite frankly, I don't understand why she wants to stay married to you at all. I don't mean that as any sort of a slight against you, but more against her.

 

It sounds like you have tried to give her a reasonably good marraige ( no one is perfect, but you have tried) and she still is unhappy enough to have cheated for the past several years. If she is so unhapy, why stay at all? It sounds like she is usuing you for comfort and security ( plus the love you have given her over all thes eyears) then she has him for even more love, attention and risque "thrills'.

 

Then, after all that, she'll hold it against you that you didn;t provide these as well...like it's your fault you couldn't her mind and be all things for her when you had no way of knowin what it is that she wanted.

 

That is not your fault. You ahve gievn things your best shot, and it's not on you that she dropped the ball. You deserve better, and whether that's something you'll get alone or, eventually, with someone else, it sound slike it won't be that hard to be in a better place than you are with her.

 

I just don't get her atitude. .

 

What I would do is speak to a lawyer about what is best for your kids. If your wife is using drugs and is acting unstable, it sounds like them being with you full time is what's best. That's not to say she shouldn't see them, but more that you can provide the stability they need right now to be happy.

 

it also sounds as if your wife is still seeing this guy. Most people, when told that their BS doens;t like them talkin to their om o the home phone would say ' i'm not talking to him"...she never said that.

 

 

Is it possible to use your upcomming counsleing appointment to begin to work out as amicable a separation as possible, one that is best for your kids? That way, you can feel as good as possible going into a potential divorce situaion?

 

One more thing in my long lecture. It's okay to be hurt and once things calm down you'll need to find a way to mourn the loss of what you thought you had with her. You may still love her dearly, and that's okay. You don;t have to hate her, but it doesn't sound like being with her is in any of your best interests right now.

 

I hope you are all able to heal. Especially your kids...maybe some counseling as a family would be helpful? Suggest to your wife that you all go, as even if you divorce, you'll still always be a family ( parents and kids)

[bamawsp]

Quite frankly, I don't understand why she wants to stay married to you at all. I don't mean that as any sort of a slight against you, but more against her.

 

It sounds like you have tried to give her a reasonably good marraige ( no one is perfect, but you have tried) and she still is unhappy enough to have cheated for the past several years. If she is so unhapy, why stay at all? It sounds like she is usuing you for comfort and security ( plus the love you have given her over all thes eyears) then she has him for even more love, attention and risque "thrills'.

 

Then, after all that, she'll hold it against you that you didn;t provide these as well...like it's your fault you couldn't her mind and be all things for her when you had no way of knowin what it is that she wanted.

 

That is not your fault. You ahve gievn things your best shot, and it's not on you that she dropped the ball. You deserve better, and whether that's something you'll get alone or, eventually, with someone else, it sound slike it won't be that hard to be in a better place than you are with her.

 

I just don't get her atitude. .

 

What I would do is speak to a lawyer about what is best for your kids. If your wife is using drugs and is acting unstable, it sounds like them being with you full time is what's best. That's not to say she shouldn't see them, but more that you can provide the stability they need right now to be happy.

 

it also sounds as if your wife is still seeing this guy. Most people, when told that their BS doens;t like them talkin to their om o the home phone would say ' i'm not talking to him"...she never said that.

 

 

Is it possible to use your upcomming counsleing appointment to begin to work out as amicable a separation as possible, one that is best for your kids? That way, you can feel as good as possible going into a potential divorce situaion?

 

One more thing in my long lecture. It's okay to be hurt and once things calm down you'll need to find a way to mourn the loss of what you thought you had with her. You may still love her dearly, and that's okay. You don;t have to hate her, but it doesn't sound like being with her is in any of your best interests right now.

 

I hope you are all able to heal. Especially your kids...maybe some counseling as a family would be helpful? Suggest to your wife that you all go, as even if you divorce, you'll still always be a family ( parents and kids)

 

Thanks for the post. Her attitude is why her family and I believe there is some mental health issues at play here. She hasn't been clinically diagnosed but all the signs are there.

 

The weird thing is up until last Tuesday she hadn't told a soul. That is 100% verified fact.

[Timshel]

Separation is long overdue. Dday was definitely the time. I understand living arrangements can be an issue but beyond that she should have started packing that day. She has family, she has her boyfriend. That's enough. Perhaps your MIL doesn't want to deal with her.

The kids are not a reason to continue to live under one roof, on the contrary, with this amount of discord it is in their best interest that you do not.

Yes, I think she should be the one to leave.

It worries me a little that she hasn't, I think that she thinks you will be the one to "have" to leave. To play devil's advocate from what you have so far relayed, I believe she thinks this: She will have the home and custody of the children. You will pay child support and alimony. The OM will at some point move in after you are out.

I hope that you have sought good legal counsel and are documenting. It is not unfair to do that in my opinion because she is the one insisting on having this affair and throwing her indifference to you in your face. If she had any integrity, she would leave on her own accord because it's the right thing to do.

At this point, your children are being shielded by you and that is commendable. The shock is wearing off and now you will be both strategic and methodical.

She really is a piece of work. I am sorry that you have this challenge now but with due diligence and some compromise, you can come out of this with a promising future and healthy children.

[truncated]

Thanks for the post. Her attitude is why her family and I believe there is some mental health issues at play here. She hasn't been clinically diagnosed but all the signs are there.

 

The weird thing is up until last Tuesday she hadn't told a soul. That is 100% verified fact.

 

 

There may well be mental health issues at play, and, as I said before, I feel empathy and pity for her, as mental illness is not something one would wish upon their worst enemy.

 

The thing with mental illness is that the person has to admit they have a problem, and has to want help. It doesn't sound like she is there yet.

 

I would also be leery ( and some people may not like this) if she 'self diagnosises" her self as bi-polar...the same is true with her mother. It can become a convienient excuse.

 

No everyone who acts badly does so because of mental ilness. Some are just jerks.

 

One more thing. if you really do beleive that mental illness is a factor in her life, then you NEED to get your kids into an environment where they will be protected form her. This is not to say she is a bad mom or taht she should never see her kids agian., but when you take someone with mental illness and place them under pressure, they can sometimes destabalize rapidly and without warning.

 

The prospect of facing a divorce could do that, so better for your kids to be safe and protected for the time being. Once your wife is getting the help she needs to get through this, and things become more stable, then give her the time with the kids.

 

If she is mentally ill, then they wil need to be told, but in a way that kids understand, alogn the lines of " people can get sick in all kinds of ways, and right now, mommy's sick with something that affects how she thinks. She can get better, and is gettin the help she needs to do that. She still loves you very much. We both do, and we are both here for you always. She's just getting herself well right now".

 

Sorry for lecturing... I have a bad habit of doing that:o

[bamawsp]

Separation is long overdue. Dday was definitely the time. I understand living arrangements can be an issue but beyond that she should have started packing that day. She has family, she has her boyfriend. That's enough. Perhaps your MIL doesn't want to deal with her.

The kids are not a reason to continue to live under one roof, on the contrary, with this amount of discord it is in their best interest that you do not.

Yes, I think she should be the one to leave.

It worries me a little that she hasn't, I think that she thinks you will be the one to "have" to leave. To play devil's advocate from what you have so far relayed, I believe she thinks this: She will have the home and custody of the children. You will pay child support and alimony. The OM will at some point move in after you are out.

I hope that you have sought good legal counsel and are documenting. It is not unfair to do that in my opinion because she is the one insisting on having this affair and throwing her indifference to you in your face. If she had any integrity, she would leave on her own accord because it's the right thing to do.

At this point, your children are being shielded by you and that is commendable. The shock is wearing off and now you will be both strategic and methodical.

She really is a piece of work. I am sorry that you have this challenge now but with due diligence and some compromise, you can come out of this with a promising future and healthy children.

 

Thanks timshel. The attorney she met with put a damper on her quests to have me out of the house like the scenario you presented. I don't believe she is smart enough to be doing that and she damn sure doesn't have any resources. Her parents have made it perfectly clear they will NOT support her financially to facilitate a divorce or thereafter due to this affair. I have recordings, facebook posts, etc. that cover my ass. She has NOTHING.

 

At the end of the day, she isn't capable of empathy not just towards me but to most people in her life.

 

Friday MC is going to be sooooooooo intriguing. There isn't anything else she could say that would make the wounds any worse. I've already come to grips with worst case scenarios about her relationship. I just don't expect her to develop a conscience any time soon....

[dichotomy]

I am so sorry for all this. Sometimes lack of remorse is due to fog, some emotional or mental disorder, or more. You mention mental illness - well maybe yes she does - but Frankly I think she just resents you greatly and does not give a F about you. Years of her resentment have lowered her empathy or feelings about you.

 

Back to practical issues....

 

Have you saved his FB pages discussing drugs?

 

You have your wife's passwords to all her online accounts right? Keep access till divorce is final. You want to know what she is up to and communicating.

 

Do you have VAR in her car? Again - just to keep ahead of her games until things are final.

[oldshirt]

I am so sorry for all this. Sometimes lack of remorse is due to fog, some emotional or mental disorder, or more. You mention mental illness - well maybe yes she does - but Frankly I think she just resents you greatly and does not give a F about you. Years of her resentment have lowered her empathy or feelings about you.

 

Back to practical issues....

 

Have you saved his FB pages discussing drugs?

 

You have your wife's passwords to all her online accounts right? Keep access till divorce is final. You want to know what she is up to and communicating.

 

Do you have VAR in her car? Again - just to keep ahead of her games until things are final.

 

Yes ^^^^^

 

 

This is all just a legal issue now. This is all about division of assets and property and child rearing responsibilities now.

 

 

Now it's all about protecting your share of the assets and properties and doing what is best for the wellbeing of the children from two separate homes.

[drifter777]

Thanks timshel. The attorney she met with put a damper on her quests to have me out of the house like the scenario you presented. I don't believe she is smart enough to be doing that and she damn sure doesn't have any resources. Her parents have made it perfectly clear they will NOT support her financially to facilitate a divorce or thereafter due to this affair. I have recordings, facebook posts, etc. that cover my ass. She has NOTHING.

 

At the end of the day, she isn't capable of empathy not just towards me but to most people in her life.

 

Friday MC is going to be sooooooooo intriguing. There isn't anything else she could say that would make the wounds any worse. I've already come to grips with worst case scenarios about her relationship. I just don't expect her to develop a conscience any time soon....

I think your MC session tomorrow is a great time to get into reality. Like tell her you are filing for divorce, you are not looking back, she should get a lawyer, and that you want to try to be as amicable as possible for the sake of the children. Refuse to let her or your MC change the subject to anything but marriage over, legal stuff, and co-parenting. Its time for both of you to get real - your marriage is over.

[oldshirt]

I think your MC session tomorrow is a great time to get into reality. Like tell her you are filing for divorce, you are not looking back, she should get a lawyer, and that you want to try to be as amicable as possible for the sake of the children. Refuse to let her or your MC change the subject to anything but marriage over, legal stuff, and co-parenting. Its time for both of you to get real - your marriage is over.

 

I suspect that is her intent and plan as well.

[No Limit]

I wouldn't be surprised if your wife stormed out of the MC session to be honest. Her head has been in the sand for a long time and the least thing she wants now is someone cleaning the dirt out of her eyes. You should be grateful that OM is posting things like drugs on his Facebook page; screenshot it and use it in ourt, this way you'll have a big chance of getting custody.

[bamawsp]

I suspect that is her intent and plan as well.

 

Shirt....I don't believe that is the case. I would be shocked but pleasantly surprised if that occurred.

 

I spoke with the therapist today. She said she told my wife counseling with me is not beneficial if she is still seeing AP. She hasn't spoken to her mother since last week either.

[bigman1]

OP,

Your situation is so messed up, and for that, I'm sorry for you. Now, having said that, I struggle to understand the reason behind going to MC. You have continually said that it is allow you to give her a "shot" and so that you can tell your kids that you tried. Good luck.

 

In light of your post that she hates you with the energy of a thousand suns, and is still connected with the AP, I can't possibly see the sense in doing this. She has consulted a lawyer in an effort to use the system against you. The lawyer stopped that. Clearly, she has tried to assassinate you in the legal sense and was thwarted. In short, she tried to hire a hitman and he balked.

 

I suggest that the counseling session is a set up. Counselors are mandatory reporters (in many states) and are required to report child abuse allegations and other dangerous situations. I wonder if she is not going to try to allege things to the counselor to trigger a report and investigation. Even if it results in nothing, it will be something that a judge would seriously consider in a custody situation. Despite popular opinion to the contrary, Lawyers can lose their license to practice law for filing claims that they know are false or using known false testimony. If she told the lawyer that she was trying to manipulate the system with a false claim, he could not ethically do what she wanted. A counselor, on the other hand, must report certain claims without regard to their personal assessment of the validity of the claim.

 

I can't possibly imagine why you would honor your MIL's request when it brings so much risk. If she is bi-polar, no one can force her to get medication or treatment unless she presents an imminent danger to her self or others. That being said, whatever her motives or mental health situation, she is dangerous to you in the legal advantage sense. I would urge you to get you a lawyer, get advice, and follow it. I am a lawyer, and am not giving you legal advice, but I am telling you that you need it ASAP. I've seen more crooked set ups than you can imagine.

Edited March 5, 2015 by bigman1

[Spectre]

Dude I'm just shaking my head. Why are you letting her do this to you? There is no point in marriage counseling. Unless your MC is Doctor Who, and he can get inside his TARDIS and go back in time and tell this woman not to betray you. If your MC isn't the last timelord, then it is pointless.

 

You have a nasty, selfish, overall rotten woman for a wife, why drag this out? Divorce! Of course her mother is begging you to hang in there, the mother wasn't cheated on, you were.

 

Like someone else said, in the MC session discuss nothing but ending the marriage. If you do anything otherwise you might as well just put your testes in some tupperware and give them to her. Let us go over this: this woman has an affair, with a co worker no less. The children are exposed to it before you ever even tell them via one of them finding a text from her piece of sh*t OM. You do the thing you had every right to do by exposing to her work, family, and your kids. She blows up at you, turns this around on you, etc. She then demands MC, and gets her family members to try to goad you into going to said counseling.

 

Just..WHY? Why are you doing anything other then getting your affairs in order? If you don't do that she is just going to manipulate you into not rightfully dumping her ass. THAT is what she wants these MC sessions for, but don't let her win, just drop her. At the beginning of the session before you do anything else? Announce this will be your last session ever, and that you will walk out of the session the SECOND someone brings up any subject other then divorcing and how you guys can separate from each other ASAP.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Spectre

[beach]

Did you go to MC?

 

What happened?

[road]

Did you go to MC?

 

What happened?

 

 

 

They're HB'ing, hysterical bonding.

[No Limit]

They're HB'ing, hysterical bonding.

 

I'd expect his wife to go hysterical on him at some point but not the 'bonding' part.

[CarrieT]

Surprised there has been no report back...

 

I'm going with HB as well.

[bamawsp]

Surprised there has been no report back...

 

I'm going with HB as well.

 

Definitely No HB. I've got a lot to process before posting

[whichwayisup]

Shirt....I don't believe that is the case. I would be shocked but pleasantly surprised if that occurred.

 

I spoke with the therapist today. She said she told my wife counseling with me is not beneficial if she is still seeing AP. She hasn't spoken to her mother since last week either.

 

True. It's waste of your time, your energy and love to put in an effort if she is still in contact or involved with her AP. MC would be a lie if she were to go and make it seem like she was working with you, yet still having the A.

[beach]

Definitely No HB. I've got a lot to process before posting

 

We are willing to take a condensed version of what transpired yesterday at MC.

[SawtoothMars]

Definitely No HB. I've got a lot to process before posting

 

Take your time friend. I hope this was the start of a healing process for you!