Making it to MC on Friday will be.....

[bamawsp]

How have you acted on her threat of a protective order ?

 

I have a 4 minute conversation recorded where essentially she tells me I'm not a threat but is using the threat of a Protective Order to get me to leave. I held my ground and didn't leave.

 

She met with an attorney and he shot that nonsense down in 30 minutes.

[LifesontheUp]

A 6 yr affair and treating you like sh**. And 13 yrs of threats.

 

Boy you have some strength. If it were me her bags would have been packed long ago.

[LifesontheUp]

And I'll say it again. Please do not stay in a bad marriage for your kids. I speak from experience there - your kids know and see this stuff and it'll affect them the rest of their lives.

 

If anyone asks me or my 2 siblings what type of childhood we had. All 3 of us say cr&p. Don't do it to your kids

[beach]

I hope you will begin honoring yourself. Continuing to betray yourself because of others requests isn't necessary. You're allowed to tell them no since your wife has no intention of changing.

 

Doing anything that others ask of you, that cause you to feel self betrayal, should be met with a simple answer = no!

 

I hope you ask the counselor to help you understand what a healthy boundary looks like for you - that would be worth the money you're going to spend in the office.

 

You deserve to be happy no matter what your W does or doesn't do.

[bamawsp]

I hope you will begin honoring yourself. Continuing to betray yourself because of others requests isn't necessary. You're allowed to tell them no since your wife has no intention of changing.

 

Doing anything that others ask of you, that cause you to feel self betrayal, should be met with a simple answer = no!

 

I hope you ask the counselor to help you understand what a healthy boundary looks like for you - that would be worth the money you're going to spend in the office.

 

You deserve to be happy no matter what your W does or doesn't do.

 

Thank you beach.

[beach]

You're welcome.

 

You know, when you see the counselor - you are allowed to ask the counselor to help you too.

 

If it were me - my first question would be " how can you help me have my wife understand I wish to divorce her since she's cheated and has no intention of loving me like she loves her OM"?

 

Second question would be "can you help me with actions for a healthy boundary to help me save myself from my toxic wife"?

 

You're planning to go - you may as well ask for the help you need for yourself.

[lollipopspot]

1. My wife hates me with the fury of a 1000 suns.

 

Why does she hate you?

[sandylee1]

What do you believe her motivation is to go to MC so bad? She wants me in that room on Friday worse than she's ever wanted me to do anything.

 

She may be hoping the MC will lay some blame for the A at your feet. Then she'll feel justified. I would have suggested she needs IC for sometime before MC.

[No Limit]

It seems like it's her mother and not her wanting to keep you to be honest. I don't think spending one hour with her and a counselor will hurt but please don't feel pressured, it's your choice and what her choices are you know too. Just because her family doesn't want a 'social pariah' to depend on their money doesn't mean you are her caretaker. You're not her father, she's a big girl.

[truncated]

If your wife is coping with mental illness, I do feel bad for her, as that is not something i would wish upon anyone.

 

The quetsion then becomes how is she being treated? Depending on the counselor you see, they may or may ot be qualified to diagnose something like bipolar disorder, let alone provide any sort of treatment. This is an issue because, should he or she recommend that your wife get further therapy or profesisonal help, she has to be willing to accept that recommendation and seek that help. No one can do it for her, and she may well choose not to do so.

 

If that is the case, what will you do? If she really does have an untreated form of mental illness, then nothing is really going to change. She will keep n doing what she's doing, either with this guy or with someone else.

 

Am I correct that they two of them have become somewhat involved in drug use? If this is the case, then you need to strongly consider whether or not this is the type of behavior you want to risk impacting your kids.

 

Another question becomes if she does have an undiagnosed mental illness ( and it doesn't sound like you know wthat for sure) she could be using recreational drugs as a form of self medication. Given the state of her life right now, they are not providing any sort of a viable coping mechanism.

 

I'm not saying your wife is a bad person, more that she sounds like a person who's mad eher life into one big mess, and until she is willing to take some responsibility for that ( and she may never be in a place where she will do that) she's not really good wife material.

 

You may love her deeply, but love sometimes love just isn't going to be enough.

[aliveagain]

A 6 year relationship with a co-worker is not an affair it's a secret other life. My ex intentionally had O/M's child and led me to believe he was mine because she wanted something permanent of O/M. Be careful, if she loves the O/M who knows what she is capable of doing. I don't know how you get over a 6 year affair and still respect yourself for staying. Never stay in a bad marriage just because of the kids because when they grow up and leave guess what you still have, a bad marriage. Guess what your kids will think is normal, your bad marriage because that is all they know. I think the only way you survive what you have with your wife is not counselling but more in the realm of brainwashing. My guess is you offer a better lifestyle than O/M. Your children are the one's that will need counselling, if I recall they read your wife's emails to her lover.

Edited March 4, 2015 by aliveagain

[oldshirt]

MC is NOT just about "saving" the marriage. For the most part it is about peeling back layers to discover what is really happening and then opening up functional channels of communication so people can communicate and cooperate in a more healthy manner.

 

 

Any MC worth his or her salt will actually recommend and support DIVORCE when appropriate. MC can be just as valuable in a divorce as it can be in reconciliation. Divorce counseling can help people to understand the separation and help separate the two lives with the least amount of hostility, baggage, chaos and especially negative impact to the children.

 

 

MC can also help people realize that the marriage really is over and help them realize their spouse really does not love, desire or want to be with them. Sometimes it takes MC for both parties to realize that separate lives really are better for everyone involved rather than trying cram a square peg in a round hole.

[oldshirt]

My guess is that there is something she wants to tell you and she wants the MC there.

 

 

 

I suspect this is the case as well. I'm willing to bet the farm she has been trying to tell you some heavy stuff for many years but she either hasn't been able to find the words or it has gone over your head or you have simply blown her off and not taken her seriously.

 

 

I think she is looking for a venue where she can puke it all out and have 3rd party interpret for her and relay it back to you in a manner that you can finally "get it."

 

 

She may also be looking for some form of an authoritarian figure where she can basically "tell on you" and have that figure side with her and tell you that you are naughty and metaphorically give you a time out or send you to your room without supper.

 

 

If that is her angle, it will backfire on her and she will be held accountable for her own actions even if you have been out of line at times yourself.

 

 

My hunch is whatever her motives, I believe she has a lot to tell you and feels this is the only way that she can get through to you and have you understand.

 

 

She may be banking on that the counselor will be the one to make you understand and accept the depths of her dissatisfaction.

[autumnnight]

I suspect this is the case as well. I'm willing to bet the farm she has been trying to tell you some heavy stuff for many years but she either hasn't been able to find the words or it has gone over your head or you have simply blown her off and not taken her seriously.

 

 

I think she is looking for a venue where she can puke it all out and have 3rd party interpret for her and relay it back to you in a manner that you can finally "get it."

 

 

She may also be looking for some form of an authoritarian figure where she can basically "tell on you" and have that figure side with her and tell you that you are naughty and metaphorically give you a time out or send you to your room without supper.

 

 

If that is her angle, it will backfire on her and she will be held accountable for her own actions even if you have been out of line at times yourself.

 

 

My hunch is whatever her motives, I believe she has a lot to tell you and feels this is the only way that she can get through to you and have you understand.

 

 

She may be banking on that the counselor will be the one to make you understand and accept the depths of her dissatisfaction.

 

I think so too. The sad fact is though, now that she has cheated, she has basically wiped his slate clean. And depending on the elsewhere he has been getting advice, I can guarantee you that idea has been reinforced 100fold. Basically, it no longer matters what kind of husband he has ever been or - most likely - will ever be, She cheated, end of story.

 

And despite the twisted error of the above thinking, her A WAS horribly wrong and is 100% on her.

 

That is why I think D is best. Because SHE won't take responsibility, and HE will likely never be able to allow her to take off the scarlet A even if she has remorse.

 

It's just a no-win situation. Some people just can't authentically recover, and there's no shame in that. If you're not going to have a real marriage after all is said and done, there is no need to try recovery.

[oldshirt]

and finally - I think you should go. and I think you should go with an open mind and go with the objective of treating the pain and anguish and hostility and chaos and conflict. There is a very good chance that the counselor will recommend divorce as the best means to ease the pain.

 

 

The role of the MC at that point will be to dissolve the marriage in the least painful, least destructive and with the least negative impact to the children as possible.

[Chi townD]

Hmmm....just thought of something. In your other thread, you wrote that she went to a lawyer to get an R/O out on you and have you removed from the house. After her appointment, she was resentful of her actions and was adamant about going to MC. I'm starting to think that this is her lawyer telling her that she HAS to go to MC to make it LOOK like SHE made the effort to fix the marriage but it didn't work. She might have been told by the lawyer that she wasn't going to make out so well but if she made the effort, then the judge might take that into consideration, meaning that she was the one that tried, but you weren't having any of it and the judge might be more sympathetic towards her.

 

 

I mean, it's not far fetched. In some states; if you learn of the others affair and then you have sex with your husband or wife AFTER you've learned of the affair, then, having sex, would be equivalent to you forgiving the affair, therefore, it can't be used in divorce court.

 

 

I would make an appointment and talk to your own lawyer and see if any of this makes sense to him or her.

[oldshirt]

....I guess the bottom line of what I am saying is go to MC with the objective being to treat the pain and ease the suffering and bring both of you back to a peaceful and functional existence.

 

 

For some couples that means working on their issues and reconciling back to a happy and healthy marriage.

 

 

But for other couples it means separating and moving on with their separate lives in the most amicable means possible.

 

 

MC is often about restoring peace and living healthy without pain, conflict and chaos even if that means divorce.

[oldshirt]

Hmmm....just thought of something. In your other thread, you wrote that she went to a lawyer to get an R/O out on you and have you removed from the house. After her appointment, she was resentful of her actions and was adamant about going to MC. I'm starting to think that this is her lawyer telling her that she HAS to go to MC to make it LOOK like SHE made the effort to fix the marriage but it didn't work. She might have been told by the lawyer that she wasn't going to make out so well but if she made the effort, then the judge might take that into consideration, meaning that she was the one that tried, but you weren't having any of it and the judge might be more sympathetic towards her.

 

 

I mean, it's not far fetched. In some states; if you learn of the others affair and then you have sex with your husband or wife AFTER you've learned of the affair, then, having sex, would be equivalent to you forgiving the affair, therefore, it can't be used in divorce court.

 

 

I would make an appointment and talk to your own lawyer and see if any of this makes sense to him or her.

 

 

 

In some jurisdictions, if there are minor children involved, the court will even order a couple to go to MC. It could very easily be that the lawyer is just checking off boxes and is saying to go to MC and then come back and work on the rest of the paperwork.

 

 

That is not necessarily a bad or nefarious thing. The court wants divorces to be as low conflict and less work for them to do so even in cases of inevitable divorce, it's in the court's best interest that it be as low conflict as possible.

[drifter777]

Most marriage counselors refer to themselves as family counselors. The good ones focus on helping you move the relationship forward and find the right path for you as a couple. Success, for them, is helping the couple find their path.

[HereNorThere]

6 years? Wow, I must have missed that part.

 

Dude, run. Forget everything anyone else has told you, pack your stuff and run. Call your MIL and tell her she needs to come pick up the kids and run. I'd tell you to take the kids, but you'll just end up jail.

 

Just go, get out. 6 years? 6 freakin years. Yeah, don't even entertain the idea of R, just go. 6 years, no way. You gotta scorch earth this and just hope your kids don't hate when their 18 and able to get away from her.

 

Go, you're wasting time. Get your stuff packed, tell her you're going away for work and never look back.

[Chi townD]

In some jurisdictions, if there are minor children involved, the court will even order a couple to go to MC. It could very easily be that the lawyer is just checking off boxes and is saying to go to MC and then come back and work on the rest of the paperwork.

 

 

That is not necessarily a bad or nefarious thing. The court wants divorces to be as low conflict and less work for them to do so even in cases of inevitable divorce, it's in the court's best interest that it be as low conflict as possible.

 

 

 

I guess the point I was trying to make is that her wanting to go to MC might be her lawyer talking and not an indication of her sincerity.

[atreides]

13 years of a bad marriage... don't let the pressure force you into something or guilt you into something you don't need to do.

 

There is a lot of "names" going around such as "whore" or "psychopath" so in reading, i take that the latter comes from your MIL as she thinks she is bi-polar.

 

My point being is that i think the opposite of what one poster said, "she is a women" ... and "through anger say" xyz when angry as many do... no.

 

Threatening divorce out of anger is not normal and as many times you say. We tend to normalize or better yet marginalize too much of our faults. It doesn't make her a psycho but should it go on as in this pressure to keep her as your wife?

 

You could divorce, cool down, end the bickering and turmoil of the past and if meant to be, like some others, find you way back to each other in the future.

 

But please, don't accept this pressure, only do it for you and by no means be convinced that any behavior should be marginalized.

[beach]

If it gives you any solace - she will be taking herself and all of her problems to her next relationship/marriage.

 

Let's hope the counselor can't help her focus on being a good parent should your M end. Learning how to parent together should be top priority to discuss at Fridays appt as well.

 

Have you made a list of things you want to discuss with the therapist? Things you'd like to see worked on that you can change?

 

I'd hope the list includes boundaries, co dependency, learning to say no and parenting.

[Friskyone4u]

Bama

 

Wow. I had missed the 6 year thing also. Please do yourself a favor . Forget your MIL. Get rid of this woman

[bamawsp]

The last 2 nights I've told her she needs to find other sleeping arrangements because I've been sleeping in the tv room upstairs. Each night she got in the bed @ 9pm despite me telling her I was sleeping in the bed. She hasn't wanted to share a bed since the exposure.

 

Last night, I couldn't stomach getting in the bed so I slept upstairs.

 

I can't do it. She is amazed that I have trust issues. We are snowed in today and I told her she needed to go to work anyway. She asked why and I said "I don't like you talking to him in my home." She just said, "oh"

 

Well, she is going to work. I asked her if she is really going to work and she said, "yeah, I have a bunch of stuff to do sitting on my desk" I responded my asking, "you sure you're not going to his place?" "Whatever, OP" I was completely calm and mellow when I engaged with her.

 

Look, I know the feminists are beside themselves with me, but this woman has shown no remorse, continues to work in the same office as AP and is dumbfounded that I don't trust her.

 

I'm filing for divorce. I can't take this crap anymore and I'm going to get my kids. Her AP believes he is the smartest guy in the room but referencing drugs on his facebook page isn't going to help her cause. He believes he is sheltered but there are people watching them both like a hawk and they have no clue.

 

There is a smidge of my soul that feels sorry for her and that's the part I need to work on before filing for divorce. I need to have a clear mind for what's on the horizion.