BS in Limbo

[HereNorThere]

Or perhaps then the metaphor is not up to the task. Maybe one needs to find a better metaphor, not a better dog.

 

You're right. It's completely unfair to dogs in general. Even the worst dog is better than a cheater. For the most part, a dog won't leave you penniless, kidless or give you aids.

[minimariah]

As for my kids, they actually adapted remarkably quickly and have done very well for over three years now. I credit a lot of that to the efforts of my exwife and myself.

 

do both you & your xW have partners now?

if so, how are you all getting along?

 

sorry on offtopic, i was curious.

[BetrayedH]

do both you & your xW have partners now?

if so, how are you all getting along?

 

sorry on offtopic, i was curious.

 

I found a GF before I was even officially divorced and we've been together ever since (coming up on 3 years now). My GF and exwife met once for lunch (exwife's request - she felt like my GF was now going to be "raising her kids" which really isn't how it works). They were amicable and are perfectly cordial at the few events where both are present.

 

My exwife has been quietly dating a guy she knew from HS and throughout our marriage for about the last six months. He steers clear of me, probably thinks I don't know. This last week I dropped the kids off a few minutes early in the morning ane he was still in the driveway. He took off quickly with a friendly wave; he probably thinks I'd clock him. I now suspect they were FWB throughout the marriage as he was kinda sketchy back then but I dismissed it (both families are friends). I have no intention of being troublesome as I really just don't care anymore. But the driveway incident was entertaining.

 

As for my exwife and I, we've basically settled into a routine. She does her thing and I do mine. We each have the kids half the week and mostly leave each other alone except for emails about schoolwork, extracurriculars, schedules, and shared finances. The first couple years were tougher.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

Here is an interesting article. I wonder which of these reasons apply to you?

 

ww.nigeriafilms.com/news/24517/62/20-reasons-why-women-stay-with-men-who-cheat.html

[fellini]

I understand perfectly. I think there are people here who do not. There are people who continue to live outside of the attempt to reconcile who see their decision - and thus surprisingly your decision - as black and white. You will have to just get used to something impossible to change in LS: There are a large number of BS's who can get downright ugly about people who attempt to reconcile when they did not. They see reconciling BS's as weak (especially BH's) and they believe that just the right amount of ridicule, ugliness, (all cheaters are skanks, cheaters are worse than whores, using dog metaphors about cheaters is unfair to dogs...etc. etc.) provocation, the worst - "pussy and sausage talk" will trigger them to jump ship. They do not respect reconciliation. And yet I have yet to read a single reconciling BS offer the slightest criticism of a BS going straight for D. So be it.

 

As I have said, to decide to reconcile is to decide to live in limbo. There is no need to ask "why you are in limbo" any more than it is to ask "why are you in pain" after DDay. They are equally necessary in the process.

 

I would risk saying even, that a reconciling BS who does not experience the emotional rollercoaster (like limbo, or as I have said, living with contradiction, cognitive disonance) has to wonder why, not the ones that do.

 

I don't remember where you are in this process but I do remember, from my own experience, that there were these strong really difficult emotions about staying and going that had to do directly with the impact of the discover of my WW's infidelity, the real danger of the loss of family, of marriage, of union, of everything we had built together, of her going back to him... in essence, mostly about US and not a lot about ME.

 

Later, after the dust was settled, after I was more focussed on what I wanted for myself, this cat and mouse "stay-go" became essentially (and remains to this day - less than 2 years DDAY) about ME. Not her. Just about ME wanting to live like this or not like this. Not because she raised red flags all over the place, in fact, she has done nothing but the opposite. It's a deep interrogation about who I thought I was, my dignity, the changes the trauma have caused me, my desire to escape from all of it. A multitude of reflexions that do not require that she answer them for me, but rather need to be answered by me alone.

 

This is where I am. The stay - go is much less intense, doesn't come and go hourly like it once did. Days go by and the "stay" is good, feels good, feels right.. and once in a while - and probably taking another vacation from LS would help in this - the "go" sneaks back in through the unconscious and disturbs me once again. But never enough to make me say with any real conviction, "I'm done."

 

Good luck

 

 

 

I think that is where I'm at now. I'm working on reconciling but still have thoughts everyday about calling it off. But I'm letting go of all the pain (as much as possible anyway) and I'm proceeding like I'm not in limbo and have every intention of sticking it out. Time will tell if that is possible.

Edited March 5, 2015 by fellini

[purplesorrow]

@fellini...Do you think the stay-go dynamic will ever stop for you? I experienced a great deal of what you described. I was tourtured at the thought of always being a little stuck there in my head. It really wasn't him, it was me.

[fellini]

Although I don't have any experience to base it on, yes.

 

For one the enormous drop intensity, urgency, and frequency. And i think, coming out of dday we are wrapped up in connecting past infidelity with uncertain short time future decision. Once I get it through my emotional mind that the decision to go is always available - so I don't really have to make up my mind, I think I will let go of it. But I'm probably going to continue to trigger and have intrusions and these have a way of summoning up the "stay go" tug of war.

 

 

 

@fellini...Do you think the stay-go dynamic will ever stop for you? I experienced a great deal of what you described. I was tourtured at the thought of always being a little stuck there in my head. It really wasn't him, it was me.

Edited March 5, 2015 by fellini

[gettingstronger]

For me, I feel like the limbo is also kind of in me-truly, I never considered divorce as an option in my life, never thought I would be in a position where I would ever consider it-

 

I know different now, divorce is an option-for both of us- infidelity was something that happened to others, until of course, it happened to me-

 

It changes you, sadly, I think forever- although I don't think of divorce daily, it does cross my mind- I also know that no matter what happens in the end-the ideal of love and marriage is forever tainted in my mind-not just between my husband and I but if I ever left and found myself in another relationship-

 

I remember a friend whose husband cheated- they stayed together and looked just fine to me-I thought, awesome they moved on and its all OK now- I now know that many of my friends are probably fighting the same silent battle that my husband and I are-its really sad-

 

Is that limbo- I don't know, but it feels like that to me-

[Mrs. John Adams]

Fellinni...not to hijack the thread...but since i am new here...can you tell me are you a BH?

 

I am still learning who folks are and trying to learn their stories.

 

Thank you for your consideration.

[fellini]

Yes. Coming up to 2 years dday. My WW had an EA/PA for over a year with a colleague professor in the same faculty. They continue to work there.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/477864-marriage-ws-push-pull#post5710499

 

 

 

 

Fellinni...not to hijack the thread...but since i am new here...can you tell me are you a BH?

 

I am still learning who folks are and trying to learn their stories.

 

Thank you for your consideration.

[ladydesigner]

I am locked in a stay/go mindset right now, so much that I need to go back on my meds to stop the constant thoughts. I'm in a lot of pain. I see a new psychiatrist next week so hopefully will lessen my thoughts.

[ladydesigner]

OP,

Here is an interesting article. I wonder which of these reasons apply to you?

 

ww.nigeriafilms.com/news/24517/62/20-reasons-why-women-stay-with-men-who-cheat.html

 

I will check this out. Thank You!

[VeryBrokenMan]

I understand perfectly. I think there are people here who do not. There are people who continue to live outside of the attempt to reconcile who see their decision - and thus surprisingly your decision - as black and white. You will have to just get used to something impossible to change in LS: There are a large number of BS's who can get downright ugly about people who attempt to reconcile when they did not. They see reconciling BS's as weak (especially BH's) and they believe that just the right amount of ridicule, ugliness, (all cheaters are skanks, cheaters are worse than whores, using dog metaphors about cheaters is unfair to dogs...etc. etc.) provocation, the worst - "pussy and sausage talk" will trigger them to jump ship. They do not respect reconciliation. And yet I have yet to read a single reconciling BS offer the slightest criticism of a BS going straight for D. So be it.

 

As I have said, to decide to reconcile is to decide to live in limbo. There is no need to ask "why you are in limbo" any more than it is to ask "why are you in pain" after DDay. They are equally necessary in the process.

 

I would risk saying even, that a reconciling BS who does not experience the emotional rollercoaster (like limbo, or as I have said, living with contradiction, cognitive disonance) has to wonder why, not the ones that do.

 

I don't remember where you are in this process but I do remember, from my own experience, that there were these strong really difficult emotions about staying and going that had to do directly with the impact of the discover of my WW's infidelity, the real danger of the loss of family, of marriage, of union, of everything we had built together, of her going back to him... in essence, mostly about US and not a lot about ME.

 

Later, after the dust was settled, after I was more focussed on what I wanted for myself, this cat and mouse "stay-go" became essentially (and remains to this day - less than 2 years DDAY) about ME. Not her. Just about ME wanting to live like this or not like this. Not because she raised red flags all over the place, in fact, she has done nothing but the opposite. It's a deep interrogation about who I thought I was, my dignity, the changes the trauma have caused me, my desire to escape from all of it. A multitude of reflexions that do not require that she answer them for me, but rather need to be answered by me alone.

 

This is where I am. The stay - go is much less intense, doesn't come and go hourly like it once did. Days go by and the "stay" is good, feels good, feels right.. and once in a while - and probably taking another vacation from LS would help in this - the "go" sneaks back in through the unconscious and disturbs me once again. But never enough to make me say with any real conviction, "I'm done."

 

Good luck

 

I agree, it is entirely about me at this point (+5 months dday). I'm trying to envision the life I want and sometimes she is not in it. But other times I can't imagine her not in it.

 

I'm certain that having the right WS is the difference in R or D. I can see how a WS that continues to lie, shows no remorse, breaks N/C or any number of other infractions would lead a BS straight to divorce. That is not the case with us.

 

My WW has been a model citizen especially the last couple of months showing true remorse in my opinion. Things like shoving the driveway of snow last week so I would not have to do it in the dark when I got home. This is a girly girl that has never had a shovel in her hand. She tells me she can never make it up to me but she is going to live the rest of her life trying. She tells me all the time she can’t change the past but she can change the future and she asks me to hang in there a little while longer. She says she will prove it too me and that I can vent all I want and she is not leaving unless I kick her out.

 

She tells me she does not deserve to have me in her life. She tells me I don’t have to say “I love you” if I’m not feeling it she understands. She told me a couple of weeks ago she was really happy in our marriage before the affair but was just lonely(I admit fully I neglected her) and vulnerable to someone saying some nice things to her and she got lost in the moment and made some very bad choices. She said she hates the OM at this point because she see's how she was manipulated by an aggressive guy but still takes full responsibility for not drawing the line in the sand. She knows it was her choice and her responsibility to stop it.

 

She tells me we need to talk about the affair and then we do for hours. She brings it up and is now answering everything I ask candidly. Surprisingly I feel 1000% better after those talks even when I hear things I don't want to. It's funny how the truth, no matter how bad it is, is so much better than the lies I was getting. Oh... and she has agreed to take a polygraph last week and that was a sticking point she was ready to end the marriage over 3 or 4 months ago. So I think all of the truth is out at this point but I still plan to have her take it. All of this has had a huge impact on my well being and we are even able to joke about aspects of the affair now and we are certainly able to calmly discuss it for the most part. She is a WW that "gets it".

 

All these things are the core of the woman I used to know but it remains to be seen if everything holds, but right now it looks promising. But in the end it's about me now and what I want for my future with really no regard for what she wants as far as staying together or divorcing. It's my call and that's really a heavy burden to carry. So I guess we are in limbo, I've told her I'd give it a year. I plan to see what she does until next October to make things right and if what she has done has been good enough for me to recommit maybe I give it another year. And I can choose to end it if there is the slightest hint that things aren't right or I suspect she has broken N/C. In the mean time I plan to let go of the hurt and sorrow and all that BS that was making me miserable and live like it did not happen as much as possible. We had a good life before and my intention is to have a good life again with or without her.

[VeryBrokenMan]

 

I now know that many of my friends are probably fighting the same silent battle that my husband and I are-its really sad-

 

 

That is something that I think about a lot. I've had friends divorce and many that have had marriage troubles and I never really understood the pain they went through. And unless you've been the BS yourself you cannot imagine it. No one can.

[BetrayedH]

I am locked in a stay/go mindset right now, so much that I need to go back on my meds to stop the constant thoughts. I'm in a lot of pain. I see a new psychiatrist next week so hopefully will lessen my thoughts.

 

Perhaps it's time to give yourself a deadline?

[ladydesigner]

Perhaps it's time to give yourself a deadline?

 

I am giving it another 6 months then I have to make a decision. It's already been 8 months since the last Dday and I am no where close to feeling like R, whereas after my first Dday I definitely wanted R. I want to see how I feel on my meds again because I used to at least feel happy even if it was just for me and the kids, but I don't even feel that! It's like I am dead inside and extremely lonely and unhappy.

[ladydesigner]

I agree, it is entirely about me at this point (+5 months dday). I'm trying to envision the life I want and sometimes she is not in it. But other times I can't imagine her not in it.

 

I'm certain that having the right WS is the difference in R or D. I can see how a WS that continues to lie, shows no remorse, breaks N/C or any number of other infractions would lead a BS straight to divorce. That is not the case with us.

 

My WW has been a model citizen especially the last couple of months showing true remorse in my opinion. Things like shoving the driveway of snow last week so I would not have to do it in the dark when I got home. This is a girly girl that has never had a shovel in her hand. She tells me she can never make it up to me but she is going to live the rest of her life trying. She tells me all the time she can’t change the past but she can change the future and she asks me to hang in there a little while longer. She says she will prove it too me and that I can vent all I want and she is not leaving unless I kick her out.

 

She tells me she does not deserve to have me in her life. She tells me I don’t have to say “I love you” if I’m not feeling it she understands. She told me a couple of weeks ago she was really happy in our marriage before the affair but was just lonely(I admit fully I neglected her) and vulnerable to someone saying some nice things to her and she got lost in the moment and made some very bad choices. She said she hates the OM at this point because she see's how she was manipulated by an aggressive guy but still takes full responsibility for not drawing the line in the sand. She knows it was her choice and her responsibility to stop it.

 

She tells me we need to talk about the affair and then we do for hours. She brings it up and is now answering everything I ask candidly. Surprisingly I feel 1000% better after those talks even when I hear things I don't want to. It's funny how the truth, no matter how bad it is, is so much better than the lies I was getting. Oh... and she has agreed to take a polygraph last week and that was a sticking point she was ready to end the marriage over 3 or 4 months ago. So I think all of the truth is out at this point but I still plan to have her take it. All of this has had a huge impact on my well being and we are even able to joke about aspects of the affair now and we are certainly able to calmly discuss it for the most part. She is a WW that "gets it".

 

All these things are the core of the woman I used to know but it remains to be seen if everything holds, but right now it looks promising. But in the end it's about me now and what I want for my future with really no regard for what she wants as far as staying together or divorcing. It's my call and that's really a heavy burden to carry. So I guess we are in limbo, I've told her I'd give it a year. I plan to see what she does until next October to make things right and if what she has done has been good enough for me to recommit maybe I give it another year. And I can choose to end it if there is the slightest hint that things aren't right or I suspect she has broken N/C. In the mean time I plan to let go of the hurt and sorrow and all that BS that was making me miserable and live like it did not happen as much as possible. We had a good life before and my intention is to have a good life again with or without her.

 

VeryBrokenMan your situation sounds very promising for R if that is what you decide. It's nice that your wife is willing to talk about the A for hours, my WH would have a coronary. I've never been in true R

[BetrayedH]

I am giving it another 6 months then I have to make a decision. It's already been 8 months since the last Dday and I am no where close to feeling like R, whereas after my first Dday I definitely wanted R. I want to see how I feel on my meds again because I used to at least feel happy even if it was just for me and the kids, but I don't even feel that! It's like I am dead inside and extremely lonely and unhappy.

 

Sounds like a smart decision that will eventually take you out of limbo.

[Steen719]

Ladydesigner,

I was going to wait a few days and post to you, but I feel so bad for you that I decided to post tonight. You see, I have been sort of where you are. My XH cheated with and old gf 7 years in and we R -all the right words, blah, blah, blah. In truth, I am to blame as well since I swept it under and let it go (even though we did some proactive things) because I thought that because he was sorry, it was OK and my son was 7. Then 13 years later, after I took care of his sorry a** through a transplant and more - UGH - cringing. Anyway - he cheated again with another old gf, but unbelievably, he also was trying to get with the first old gf as well. I was flabergasted, devastated, hurt, angry and in constant pain. He tired (sort of) to keep me, but I knew in my heart there was no going back. What he had done crossed the line for me. We all have that line and only we know where it is.

 

So, I am not saying I know where your line is, but man oh man, I know that sinking, desperate feeling and feeling like no matter what I did, it was not the right thing and would not make anyone happy. Still, how could I allow myself to be treated this way? I couldn't. The day I put the divorce papers in the mail to the attorney was one of the hardest days I have ever had. He kept saying you don't have to do this..blah blah. Hard, so hard and I wasn't sure still that I was doing the best thing.

 

OK, a lot of talking from me. This is what I wanted to say to you. I have been sad that my marriage ended, I have been sad that my XH played with mine and my son's life so cavalierly, I have been angry that I am ruined financially, I have been bitter, I have been relieved, I have been lonely and I have been happy. The only thing I know for sure, is after 3 1/2 years after divorce, I have never been sorry that I made the decision to leave. I cannot imagine in any way that I would allow him or anyone else to treat me this way and consider if someone was doing this to your daughter.

 

What kind of person takes advantage of a caring and forgiving person? Well, I am pretty sure I know what kind of person does.

 

I wish you all the best in your journey. I cried a river, ladydesigner and mourned for a long time, but I have joy again and I am happy to be alive and healthy. Be sure you take care of yourself and be the kind of person you would ask your children to be; stand up for yourself no matter what you decide.

 

Hugs to you.