Having an affair, know I need to end it

[purplesorrow]

You do know your 'semi-confession' has put your wife in detective mode correct? Why did you clam up with following through with the truth?

[Bittersweetie]

It was a relief to semi-confess to the affair - even though it wasn't the whole truth I feel a big weight has been lifted off and I can be more authentic with her.

 

 

First of all, I am glad that you are pursuing IC first before MC. Because entering MC while still hiding things could make the whole thing useless.

 

Yes, you have a weight lifted off of you...but you still have lies to hide. You cannot be authentic if you are still hiding things.

 

I have been there. I confessed my A but kept a couple of things hidden. And I always felt a bit on edge about those facts. And guess what? H found out everything.

 

This is what is called "trickle truth." Trickle truth, the continuance of lying of certain details, can be even more destructive than the A itself. When (not if) your wife finds out the full story, she will feel even more devastated because you continued to lie to her.

 

Please think about your trickle truthing and talk to the IC about it. You may think it's the best route, but from experience I can tell you that one cannot live authentically and with integrity without the full truth out there.

 

BSW

[sagamore]

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you for all your responses. I had a long talk with AP on how I really wanted to start focusing on my marriage. Long story short, she started getting annoying and whiny, and we had a couple of fights - and I thought about all the comments here about how I really needed to go NC, and I realized that you were right and I just had to end it. I told her I needed to stop speaking to her - at least for a while - as I focused on my marriage. I deleted her from my phone and unfriended her on Facebook. While we do work in the same place, luckily we are in separate areas so I don't have to interact with her two often often.

 

Two days ago, I sat my wife down and told her how I was very concerned about our marriage, our lack of common interests, our lack of sexual chemistry, etc. She was actually very responsive. She agreed - finally! - to go to MC and I said I wanted to go to IC as well. I was really impressed with her enthusiasm and it gave me a lot of hope.

 

This conversation went on for about three hours. Around that time, I started feeling really guilty about the A and for some reason felt like I needed to confess. So I told her that I needed to end a friendship at work. She asked with who. I told her who and she didn't seem too surprised. She asked if it was an emotional affair and if I was in love with her. I said I didn't know and started crying. I scrambled frantically to give a good story, and I said I was starting to develop feelings for her and realized I needed to end the friendship and focus on our marriage. She was not happy about this and went off to work in a bit of a huff. However, she calmed down later on in the day and said she understood since our marriage was such a mess and said she'd do whatever it takes to make things work.

 

When researching therapists, however, I realized that we could not do MC and IC at the same time due to our insurance,so we agreed to each do IC before doing MC. I know I have to work on myself, and I told her that it would be good for her to work on things that I feel contributed to the breakdown of our marriage (her coldness, emotionless, possible depression, lack of communication skills). We start that tomorrow.

 

It was a relief to semi-confess to the affair - even though it wasn't the whole truth I feel a big weight has been lifted off and I can be more authentic with her.

 

Thanks again for all your feedback. I will keep you posted on how things progress.

 

In sum: your OW started annoying you, so you went "NC." Wow, what a principled stand for your marriage.

 

Then, you made a false confession to your wife so that YOU would feel better. Meanwhile, the hell has only started for her...

 

If you think it's "all over" now, boy are you mistaken. I'd bet a large sum of money that you end up resuming with OW while dragging your poor wife along for the ride.

 

Seems this is all about you, isn't it?

[whatcanitellyou]

Hey, whatever is easiest for you right? I read the whole thread and I can't wrap myself around how selfish you are. And I think you're getting a break as a man, an unfaithful wife with your story would get torn to shreds.

 

Your marriage is still based on lies and will remain that way until you own up to everything so your wife can make a fully informed decision. And how do you know OW won't tell her eventually? She's already shown she has no respect for marriage. Your wife is in the process of wrapping herself around what she's dealing with and if she learns the full extent after she's done this the damage will be many times worse.

 

Just man up and own your actions.

[GuitarPlayerMP]

I think I need to clarify some things about my wife. I don't think I am being as selfish as you all think. I confessed to herthat I had feelings for someone else, and it kicked her into gear to actually do something. I have been trying tell her for years that I have been having issues with our sex life and emotional connection. OW gets me, my wife doesn't. My wife doesn't get my social anxiety - all those years of my telling her I had it, she didn't believe me - she said that I acted totally fine in public and couldn't see the issue. OW gets it. My wife is not understanding that I am struggling with going back to school. I switched majors a couple of times for my Bachelors and she is frustrated - she thinks I should be done with school already. OW gets it. She doesn't understand that I have a stressful job - I work in the mental health profession - and need to take more time off and go away on short trips alone than those who work in regular office professions, which results in a decrease in family vacations. OW gets it.

 

That said, I know that OW has issues; like I mentioned earier, I know I can't really trust her. There's been more than one occasion where she hasn't told me the whole truth. I know I should just let her go and stop talking to her so she can find someone to be with full time. (She is single and 15 years younger than me.)

 

Anyway, that all said, my goal is to open communication with my wife and hopefully we can work together to a more fulfilling marriage.

[Bittersweetie]

Two questions:

 

That said, I know that OW has issues; like I mentioned earier, I know I can't really trust her. There's been more than one occasion where she hasn't told me the whole truth.

 

And your wife can trust you? You've told the whole truth?

 

Anyway, that all said, my goal is to open communication with my wife and hopefully we can work together to a more fulfilling marriage.

 

How do you expect to attain "open communication" and a "more fulfilling marriage" without your wife knowing your full truth?

 

As someone who's BTDT, you cannot.

[truncated]

I think I need to clarify some things about my wife. I don't think I am being as selfish as you all think. I confessed to herthat I had feelings for someone else, and it kicked her into gear to actually do something. I have been trying tell her for years that I have been having issues with our sex life and emotional connection. OW gets me, my wife doesn't. My wife doesn't get my social anxiety - all those years of my telling her I had it, she didn't believe me - she said that I acted totally fine in public and couldn't see the issue. OW gets it. My wife is not understanding that I am struggling with going back to school. I switched majors a couple of times for my Bachelors and she is frustrated - she thinks I should be done with school already. OW gets it. She doesn't understand that I have a stressful job - I work in the mental health profession - and need to take more time off and go away on short trips alone than those who work in regular office professions, which results in a decrease in family vacations. OW gets it.

 

That said, I know that OW has issues; like I mentioned earier, I know I can't really trust her. There's been more than one occasion where she hasn't told me the whole truth. I know I should just let her go and stop talking to her so she can find someone to be with full time. (She is single and 15 years younger than me.)

 

Anyway, that all said, my goal is to open communication with my wife and hopefully we can work together to a more fulfilling marriage.

 

Oh for goodness sake get over yourself.

 

Of course your ow gets it, because she doesn't have to live day to day with the fallout of the things you do. Of course she gets you, as she is being just as irresponsible, and it's easy to say all the right things when you don't have to live with the repercussions of your choices.

 

You do know that you contradict yourself don't you? You are using your social anxiety against your wife, yet you are the same guy who complains that she doesn't want to go out and "party" and socialize with you. You are taking a page from the cheater's handbook and trying to blame her for your actions.

 

Stop using your shortcomings as an excuse to punish your wife.

 

Honestly, for someone in the mental health field, I'd expect a lot better behavior than what you are exhibiting.

[whatcanitellyou]

Wow, every last thing in this marriage is about you. Does your wife have needs? Do you know what they are? I guarantee you haven't been meeting them while you have your piece on the side. You think ow gets you? Let her deal with you full time.

 

Spin it any way you want, you are exceedingly selfish. You could've told your wife in the very beginning that you were close to someone else, instead you not only didn't but exposed your wife to who knows what. You put her life and health at risk because ow "gets you". You do nothing in this marriage but take. Hard to believe people this narcissistic exist but I suppose they do.

 

Keep rationalizing any way you want, you'll keep doing what's good for you without being man enough to let your wife choose for herself if you're worth it. Keep wasting years of her life as long as it benefits you.

Edited March 9, 2015 by whatcanitellyou

[Steen719]

Some of the "older" posters will remember these. So funny and kind of appropriate for this mindset.

 

https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/part-1

 

https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/part-2-my-wife-knows-everything/

 

There are more on the website - too funny for words..at least I think so.

[waterwoman]

SO.... you've told your wife enough to make her afraid she is losing you and to address her 'shortcomings' but not enough to make her mad at you for being a lying cheat. Very handy for you, very unfair to her. She will jump through hoops to make you happy and you will sit and bask in her love and effort whilst feeling like the innocent party.

 

BTW her 'shortcomings' appear to be all about they way she reacts to our failings. My DH went to university at age 29 to study to be a teacher - I willingly supported him for 4 years because it was something that was going to improve his life and mine. It involved lots of sacrifices over the years. If at any point he decided, he wasn't sure about this course and switched to another, I'd have felt angry and disappointed - I am not sure I'd have 'got it' either.

 

Social anxiety? Yep, me too. As a teen and young adult I was agonisingly shy, I'd get palpitations, cold sweats and nausea when forced into new social situations. it was horrible, but at some point I dealt with it because the world won't always make allowances. Why should your wife have to make allowances for ever? Why haven't you got some help with this? It isn't her responsibilty to make you better.

 

You take holidays on your own. Does she get that chance?

 

I'm sorry but you sound quite selfish.

[GuitarPlayerMP]

I am in trouble, and have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to.

 

My wife found out everything. I left my email open while I was at the gym for a couple of hours. I always leave my email open; my wife has never snooped before. She found emails from OW detailing pretty much every gruesome detail of our affair. She wasn't home when I got home. I texted her to ask where she was, and she said she knew everything and I needed to get the hell out. I pleaded and begged, but she said she didn't want to see me and I needed to sleep elsewhere. I hung out with a friend for a few hours and stayed overnight at a cheap hotel.

 

We finally spoke the next morning over the phone. She was pretty pissed. I didn't fight back, just apologized over and over and said it was over with OW. She didn't believe me and says she feels like a fool and could not believe that she was over our house for the parties I had. She said she has given me free reign to "find myself" over the years and will no longer be taken advantage of.

 

I feel like an idiot for posting since you all said this would happen. I now realize that it will never work out with OW and I am terrified I am going to lose my wife and her son. I am back home for now but not sure of what is going to happen next. I have moved all my stuff into a spare bedroom.

[elaine567]

I am in trouble, and have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to.

 

My wife found out everything. I left my email open while I was at the gym for a couple of hours. I always leave my email open; my wife has never snooped before. She found emails from OW detailing pretty much every gruesome detail of our affair. She wasn't home when I got home. I texted her to ask where she was, and she said she knew everything and I needed to get the hell out. I pleaded and begged, but she said she didn't want to see me and I needed to sleep elsewhere. I hung out with a friend for a few hours and stayed overnight at a cheap hotel.

 

We finally spoke the next morning over the phone. She was pretty pissed. I didn't fight back, just apologized over and over and said it was over with OW. She didn't believe me and says she feels like a fool and could not believe that she was over our house for the parties I had. She said she has given me free reign to "find myself" over the years and will no longer be taken advantage of.

 

I feel like an idiot for posting since you all said this would happen. I now realize that it will never work out with OW and I am terrified I am going to lose my wife and her son. I am back home for now but not sure of what is going to happen next. I have moved all my stuff into a spare bedroom.

 

Well, now is the time to be "more authentic with her".

YOU need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Now it HAS to be all about your wife and not all about YOU.

A bit of growing up is needed here on your part, whether she lets you back into her life or not.

You are a user, try to do something about that.

[truncated]

I am in trouble, and have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to.

 

My wife found out everything. I left my email open while I was at the gym for a couple of hours. I always leave my email open; my wife has never snooped before. She found emails from OW detailing pretty much every gruesome detail of our affair. She wasn't home when I got home. I texted her to ask where she was, and she said she knew everything and I needed to get the hell out. I pleaded and begged, but she said she didn't want to see me and I needed to sleep elsewhere. I hung out with a friend for a few hours and stayed overnight at a cheap hotel.

 

We finally spoke the next morning over the phone. She was pretty pissed. I didn't fight back, just apologized over and over and said it was over with OW. She didn't believe me and says she feels like a fool and could not believe that she was over our house for the parties I had. She said she has given me free reign to "find myself" over the years and will no longer be taken advantage of.

 

I feel like an idiot for posting since you all said this would happen. I now realize that it will never work out with OW and I am terrified I am going to lose my wife and her son. I am back home for now but not sure of what is going to happen next. I have moved all my stuff into a spare bedroom.

 

 

Right now is not the time for you to fight back. It sounds like she already knows everything anyway, but I would suggest that you sit down with her and have the most honest discussion with her that you have ever had in your life. Before you do, ask her if there is anything she wants to know, and have her write out her questions so that she can make sure to ask everything she needs to. encourage her to write further questions/ notes as the conversation goes along so that she can keep track of her thoughts, which may well be spinning all over the place right now.

 

Honestly, I would ask yourself some really hard questions. Is being married really what you want? In your previous posts, you sounded rather unhappy, and were blaming a lot of that on your wife. If you still feel that way, then really think about whether or not it is fair of you to ask her to go through the pain and effort of reconciling, if you may cheat again down the road.

 

try and be brutally honest with yourself about why you cheated. What is it in your that allowed that to happen? ( i ahve some theories, but only you know the answers)

 

Whatever else, don't blame this on your wife. You made the choice to have an affair, and now you are going to need to work your @ss off to show her that is behind you. Get individual and marriage counseling if staying married is really what you want. If you feel like it isn't,then let her go as kindly as possible so that she can move on in her life.

[purplesorrow]

I am in trouble, and have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to.

 

My wife found out everything. I left my email open while I was at the gym for a couple of hours. I always leave my email open; my wife has never snooped before. She found emails from OW detailing pretty much every gruesome detail of our affair. She wasn't home when I got home. I texted her to ask where she was, and she said she knew everything and I needed to get the hell out. I pleaded and begged, but she said she didn't want to see me and I needed to sleep elsewhere. I hung out with a friend for a few hours and stayed overnight at a cheap hotel.

 

We finally spoke the next morning over the phone. She was pretty pissed. I didn't fight back, just apologized over and over and said it was over with OW. She didn't believe me and says she feels like a fool and could not believe that she was over our house for the parties I had. She said she has given me free reign to "find myself" over the years and will no longer be taken advantage of.

 

I feel like an idiot for posting since you all said this would happen. I now realize that it will never work out with OW and I am terrified I am going to lose my wife and her son. I am back home for now but not sure of what is going to happen next. I have moved all my stuff into a spare bedroom.

 

You should expect a lot of anger. You had her making all those changes to please you while you were cheating on her. I am sure she feels like a fool. 'Hell hath no fury'! I thought your ow gets you, why is she not a good potential partner now? You risked your family for her.

[No Limit]

She said she has given me free reign to "find myself" over the years and will no longer be taken advantage of.

 

Your marriage is dead now. I suggest you go be with your soulmate OW, she's given you support all this time, I'm sure she can do it now too.

But by all means don't annoy your STBXW, hasn't she gone through enough? The only reason you won't bother with OW now is because you're afraid. You chose OW, now stick to her.

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with the PPs, and I'd like to add two things.

 

One, don't expect your wife to believe anything from you right now. Why should she? Whenever you feel frustrated that she is doubting any word that comes out of your mouth...think, why should she believe me? Your words at this point can only be backed up by action. If that.

 

Seriously think whether you want to remain in your marriage. Recovery and reconciliation is a long, hard, difficult road if one chooses it. If your wife gives you a second chance, it is a gift. You need to be 100% committed, all in, willing to do anything. Because if you're not, then there is no sense in wasting each other's time.

 

Good luck.