Having an affair, know I need to end it

[sandylee1]

Yeah, until the OP told the rest of the story. He obviously left out a few key details.

 

You can laugh all you want, but try ignoring problems in your marriage and acting like you're the entitled one and watch how fast it falls apart. It happens all the time - with men and wonen. I was married to someone like that. The key word here is "was".

 

Sorry to t/j but......Did you ignore problems when your husband cheated then? Can't get my head round how you get cheated on, then become the OW.

[obtuseedge]

I am currently in the tail ends of an affair that both me and the AP had decided to end. It's extremely hard, especially since we still work together. We fell deep in love with one another but I was not willing to leave my wife, who I still care deeply about. No lie though, this is one of the most heart wrenching ordeals I've had to deal with, especially with still having to see her at work. Good luck with trying to end yours.

[bathtub-row]

Sorry to t/j but......Did you ignore problems when your husband cheated then? Can't get my head round how you get cheated on, then become the OW.

 

Hopefully, this isn't a complete t/j since the OP may get something out of it. You ask a fair question. My husband had become excessively verbally abusive within 6 mos of our marriage, I knew that he would end up cheating if things continued the way they were. I said that we either go to counseling or I was leaving - his choice. He stalled and tried to get out of it but figured out I wasn't going to budge. So we went to therapy for about two months. Made no headway whatsoever. So, last session of therapy, I said that I no longer saw any point in continuing the relationship as things were never going to change.

 

We get home that night and he's shattered (I now know that this is how all abusers act), we talked and I agreed to give things a little more time. Within two weeks, he cheated on me -- and made sure I knew about it. He later said he did it because he knew that I would leave him anyway. This is what I mean about the continuation of abuse from someone who's already an abuser. The affair was his arrow and I was the target.

 

I suppose I could theorize all day long about why I got involved with a MM later after something like that, but I believe it had to do with two main things: MM was, and still is, an excessively kind and calm man, very slow to anger; the complete antithesis of my ex. He was also safe; in the sense that he couldn't hurt me the way my ex did because I could keep him at arms length. In reality, my decision made no sense because of the pain my ex's affair caused me.

 

I broke up with MM within one week of the affair because I knew it wasn't for me and it wasn't me. But that began many years of breaking up and getting back together because we had developed such an intense friendship that I just didn't have the strength to let him go. Funnily enough, I emphasized to MM many times that his wife should never find out about us, that I knew he didn't want to inflict that kind of pain on someone, and neither did I. Ultimately, it was the deciding factor for me; knowing I was risking hurting someone to the point where I might even kill them. I just couldn't live with that.

 

I have no good reasons for doing what I did except to say that I was too weak and too lonely to have the strength to leave. You see, I've lost almost all of my family because of their religious beliefs; and I come from a large, close family. I have never recovered from that. I have a sister I'm very close to but she lives pretty far away, but we talk about 4 or 5 days out of the week. I love her to pieces. I'm also very close to my son but he's young and busy and he can't be there for me all the time. We see each other fairly often, though, and he's a true joy in my life. As a side note, my son's dad is not the abusive guy. I never had kids with the abuser, which was deliberate.

 

Today when I look at the situation, I am extremely regretful that I ever got involved with MM. On the other hand, my experience with him healed me from the abusive person I had been with, which had been very traumatizing. Who really knows why any of us do the things we do, why we do the dances we do. All I can say is that I'm a much wiser person now, so maybe it wasn't a complete waste of time.

[HereNorThere]

You are so into outer space with this thing, the only way it's going to end is getting caught. Sorry, but you're borderline obsessed with her and she's admittedly pretty nuts. She'll either rat you out to get you back at some perceived slight, or you'll accidentally slip up by talking in your sleep or some electronic trail.

 

You're too far gone, son. This will not end well for you.

 

It's funny because you're reading from the same cheater's handbook as the other cheaters, but you read the woman's chapter. You're sounding like a chick, straight up.

Edited March 3, 2015 by HereNorThere

[GuitarPlayerMP]

Thanks again to everyone who responded.

 

I spoke to OW today and said we needed to end it, for good. She was sad but agreed. We are going to try to remain friends.

 

Now I have to figure out what I am going to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that I started having feelings for someone else and ended the friendship to focus more on my marriage. The problem is, she knows OW. OW has been at our house a few times at bbqs I threw for my co-workers. They actually got along very well. OW is very obvious about her feelings for me at the office - no one knows for sure that we are having an affair, but people have their strong suspicions - but my wife can be pretty naive and oblivious to things in front of her so she has no idea. Anyway, I think I will tell her it's someone I used to work with who is no longer there. I just don't see the point in telling her the truth. It would only hurt her and there would be a higher chance that she would leave me, and I don't want that.

[Ralph79]

I just don't see the point in telling her the truth.

 

The point is for you to get your life together, because you are bent on this with the OW:

 

We are going to try to remain friends

 

Which means you haven't learned anything and thus are very prone to caving again, and hurting your wife.

[autumnnight]

You cannot remain friends. I give up.

[gettingstronger]

You're selfish! You don't want your wife to know the real you because she might decide to leave you. Really? That's not how you're suppose to treat people and you know it.

[GuitarPlayerMP]

My wife is pretty oblivious. This has been going on for a while now and she has no clue. The OW and I were saying how weird that was. She doesn't need to know the truth and it is very likely she won't find out. I will just focus on my marriage and give it my all.

[gettingstronger]

Why doesn't she need the truth? You know it may make a difference to her otherwise you'd tell her.

[ladydesigner]

Hopefully, this isn't a complete t/j since the OP may get something out of it. You ask a fair question. My husband had become excessively verbally abusive within 6 mos of our marriage, I knew that he would end up cheating if things continued the way they were. I said that we either go to counseling or I was leaving - his choice. He stalled and tried to get out of it but figured out I wasn't going to budge. So we went to therapy for about two months. Made no headway whatsoever. So, last session of therapy, I said that I no longer saw any point in continuing the relationship as things were never going to change.

 

We get home that night and he's shattered (I now know that this is how all abusers act), we talked and I agreed to give things a little more time. Within two weeks, he cheated on me -- and made sure I knew about it. He later said he did it because he knew that I would leave him anyway. This is what I mean about the continuation of abuse from someone who's already an abuser. The affair was his arrow and I was the target.

 

I suppose I could theorize all day long about why I got involved with a MM later after something like that, but I believe it had to do with two main things: MM was, and still is, an excessively kind and calm man, very slow to anger; the complete antithesis of my ex. He was also safe; in the sense that he couldn't hurt me the way my ex did because I could keep him at arms length. In reality, my decision made no sense because of the pain my ex's affair caused me.

 

I broke up with MM within one week of the affair because I knew it wasn't for me and it wasn't me. But that began many years of breaking up and getting back together because we had developed such an intense friendship that I just didn't have the strength to let him go. Funnily enough, I emphasized to MM many times that his wife should never find out about us, that I knew he didn't want to inflict that kind of pain on someone, and neither did I. Ultimately, it was the deciding factor for me; knowing I was risking hurting someone to the point where I might even kill them. I just couldn't live with that.

 

I have no good reasons for doing what I did except to say that I was too weak and too lonely to have the strength to leave. You see, I've lost almost all of my family because of their religious beliefs; and I come from a large, close family. I have never recovered from that. I have a sister I'm very close to but she lives pretty far away, but we talk about 4 or 5 days out of the week. I love her to pieces. I'm also very close to my son but he's young and busy and he can't be there for me all the time. We see each other fairly often, though, and he's a true joy in my life. As a side note, my son's dad is not the abusive guy. I never had kids with the abuser, which was deliberate.

 

Today when I look at the situation, I am extremely regretful that I ever got involved with MM. On the other hand, my experience with him healed me from the abusive person I had been with, which had been very traumatizing. Who really knows why any of us do the things we do, why we do the dances we do. All I can say is that I'm a much wiser person now, so maybe it wasn't a complete waste of time.

 

Your POV makes sense in that your BS was abusive, but even then having an affair is also abusive because you are hurting another person, your BS. Whether the BS is abusive or not does not qualify another to justify their actions by having an affair. A divorce would not have been abusive, an affair yes. All affairs are abusive to the BS also to the AP as well, The WS is the abusive one.

 

Very rarely I would say the BS is abusive.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah, until the OP told the rest of the story. He obviously left out a few key details.

 

You can laugh all you want, but try ignoring problems in your marriage and acting like you're the entitled one and watch how fast it falls apart. It happens all the time - with men and wonen. I was married to someone like that. The key word here is "was".

 

Well in my case my WH ignored the problems in our M and had an A. So what then?

[Bryanp]

An affair with a coke head. God I hope you have been tested for STD's. You would not want to give one to your husband.

[elaine567]

Thanks again to everyone who responded.

 

I spoke to OW today and said we needed to end it, for good. She was sad but agreed. We are going to try to remain friends.

 

Now I have to figure out what I am going to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that I started having feelings for someone else and ended the friendship to focus more on my marriage. The problem is, she knows OW. OW has been at our house a few times at bbqs I threw for my co-workers. They actually got along very well. OW is very obvious about her feelings for me at the office - no one knows for sure that we are having an affair, but people have their strong suspicions - but my wife can be pretty naive and oblivious to things in front of her so she has no idea. Anyway, I think I will tell her it's someone I used to work with who is no longer there. I just don't see the point in telling her the truth. It would only hurt her and there would be a higher chance that she would leave me, and I don't want that.

 

I think you need to be prepared to tell your wife the whole truth, because she is going to be very suspicious. You changed enough for your wife to start questioning you, I doubt she will believe it was purely platonic. You are both adults here not kids, had it just been a short EA or crush, then it may not have been so obvious to her that things were wrong.

I guess many have crushes and EAs and the SO never knows anything is wrong, as it is easier to hide, because nothing physical is going on, so less guilt.

As it was a full blown physical affair, you couldn't hide your feelings for the OW, nor your guilt, and that is why your attitude changed towards your wife.

Once she knows about your "feelings for another woman" she will know it was an PA and will want the truth.

 

As you have now ended it with the OW, it is time to get checked for STDs too.

[bathtub-row]

Your POV makes sense in that your BS was abusive, but even then having an affair is also abusive because you are hurting another person, your BS. Whether the BS is abusive or not does not qualify another to justify their actions by having an affair. A divorce would not have been abusive, an affair yes. All affairs are abusive to the BS also to the AP as well, The WS is the abusive one.

 

Very rarely I would say the BS is abusive.

 

Well, based on your logic, divorce must also abuse because it hurts another person. Right? Or did I miss something? Look, I'm just saying that the term 'abuse' gets thrown around too much and the reality of it has been watered down. If you ever lived with real, live, full-blown continual abuse, you'd understand why I'm not on board with calling an affair, per se, abusive. However, I think you should believe whatever makes sense to you. It just doesn't make sense to me. Sorry.

 

The opportunity came up for me to cheat on my abusive husband and I almost did it. He then would've been an abusive BS. However, I knew that cheating wasn't something I would be doing to him, it was something I would be doing to me, and I wasn't ok with that. But I did not remain faithful to him out of respect for him. In the end, I had no respect for him and, as far as I'm concerned, he deserved to be cheated on. However, for me to cheat would've made me feel bad about myself and I wasn't willing to do that.

[bathtub-row]

Well in my case my WH ignored the problems in our M and had an A. So what then?

 

I think you're taking what I said out of context. I wasn't saying that every person who has been cheated on was ignoring their spouse or the problems in their marriage. What I was saying is that, when there are problems in a marriage or a person is pushing their partner too hard, be prepared for the fall-out. Do I think that all spouse's who have been cheated on have done that? Of course not.

 

If you had a spouse who ignored the problems and then cheated, then that's really sad. I don't know all of the circumstances so I can't really comment any further than that. Cheating is always sad. Even when the affair partners are crazy in love with one another and in complete bliss, that happiness is tarnished on some level because they know they should've handled things differently, that in an attempt not to hurt anyone, they've done just the opposite. It's a very, very tangled web.

 

The only thing I can say is that when we hold on too tightly to a relationship that is obviously falling apart and your partner cannot be persuaded to make changes, then it's a recipe for disaster. But every situation is different and only you can decide if there was anything you could've done differently or not.

 

The bottom, bottom line to all of it is that relationships are absolute risk, but we would all love to have that assurance that we have the one that is immune to that risk. It's not because it involves unpredictable human beings. That really is the truth and if you tell yourself anything differently, you're kidding yourself. This is not to say that they can't last and all that. I'm only saying that understand that every time you enter into a relationship, you're taking a risk. Period.

[elaine567]

Rethinking Infidelity*|*Tracy Schorn

[bathtub-row]

Thanks again to everyone who responded.

 

I spoke to OW today and said we needed to end it, for good. She was sad but agreed. We are going to try to remain friends.

 

Now I have to figure out what I am going to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that I started having feelings for someone else and ended the friendship to focus more on my marriage. The problem is, she knows OW. OW has been at our house a few times at bbqs I threw for my co-workers. They actually got along very well. OW is very obvious about her feelings for me at the office - no one knows for sure that we are having an affair, but people have their strong suspicions - but my wife can be pretty naive and oblivious to things in front of her so she has no idea. Anyway, I think I will tell her it's someone I used to work with who is no longer there. I just don't see the point in telling her the truth. It would only hurt her and there would be a higher chance that she would leave me, and I don't want that.

 

I think you're treading on very thin ice having this conversation with your wife. Why not just freakin' get on board with your marriage, if that's what you want to do, and be the best husband you can be from this day forward?

 

I'll tell you the absolute truth here - although many will argue about it - when my husband had his affair, I would've preferred to have known nothing about it, especially if he had vowed to himself to be faithful and a great husband from that moment on. The reason for this is because of the trauma and horror I went through after I found out. I was sick every day for weeks, I had constant diarrhea, couldn't eat, and many times I would wake up in the middle of the night literally crying and shaking and sweating from the horrible dreams I would have. Just like the stuff you see in movies. I didn't even think that was real. But it is. This went on for months. I kid you not. Not only that, we lost the innocence in our relationship. Whenever he went off with friends, I could no longer joke with him and say something funny like, "behave yourself". The jokes died away because they were no longer funny. Hardly anything was funny ever again.

 

It doesn't matter how oblivious you think your wife is, women are extremely slick in this department and I'm here to tell you that the minute you open your mouth about having feelings for someone else, the wheels in her head will keep turning until she has ALL the answers. And before you know what hit you, you have told all. Unless you plan on going down that path, then I'd recommend that you invest in some duct tape.

[autumnnight]

I'm still trying to figure out what all these pro-affair, anti BS people are doing in the infidelity forum. I thought we had an OW/OM forum for that....

[ladydesigner]

Well, based on your logic, divorce must also abuse because it hurts another person. Right? Or did I miss something? Look, I'm just saying that the term 'abuse' gets thrown around too much and the reality of it has been watered down. If you ever lived with real, live, full-blown continual abuse, you'd understand why I'm not on board with calling an affair, per se, abusive. However, I think you should believe whatever makes sense to you. It just doesn't make sense to me. Sorry.

 

The opportunity came up for me to cheat on my abusive husband and I almost did it. He then would've been an abusive BS. However, I knew that cheating wasn't something I would be doing to him, it was something I would be doing to me, and I wasn't ok with that. But I did not remain faithful to him out of respect for him. In the end, I had no respect for him and, as far as I'm concerned, he deserved to be cheated on. However, for me to cheat would've made me feel bad about myself and I wasn't willing to do that.

 

Wow really? I guess you haven't experienced infidelity the way I have then because I have been hospitalized twice for depression with an attempt at suicide. I'm not sure I agree with you. I have also been in an abusive relationship prior to my M and I was abused as a child so I know what abuse feels like. The affair my husband had was right up there with the other abuse I have experienced. I have symptoms of PTSD from the A fallout, that's not abuse?

[ladydesigner]

Thanks again to everyone who responded.

 

I spoke to OW today and said we needed to end it, for good. She was sad but agreed. We are going to try to remain friends.

 

Now I have to figure out what I am going to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that I started having feelings for someone else and ended the friendship to focus more on my marriage. The problem is, she knows OW. OW has been at our house a few times at bbqs I threw for my co-workers. They actually got along very well. OW is very obvious about her feelings for me at the office - no one knows for sure that we are having an affair, but people have their strong suspicions - but my wife can be pretty naive and oblivious to things in front of her so she has no idea. Anyway, I think I will tell her it's someone I used to work with who is no longer there. I just don't see the point in telling her the truth. It would only hurt her and there would be a higher chance that she would leave me, and I don't want that.

 

 

Wow this is really sad. Sad for you OP and sad for your wife. Especially since you think you can still be friends with your affair partner. That just doesn't work. Working together isn't possibly going to work. You have found yourself in a predicament and I would suggest reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to get a better perspective on this.

[bathtub-row]

Wow really? I guess you haven't experienced infidelity the way I have then because I have been hospitalized twice for depression with an attempt at suicide. I'm not sure I agree with you. I have also been in an abusive relationship prior to my M and I was abused as a child so I know what abuse feels like. The affair my husband had was right up there with the other abuse I have experienced. I have symptoms of PTSD from the A fallout, that's not abuse?

 

I'm deeply sorry for what you've gone through. I really am. Like I said, you're welcome to call it anything you want. Maybe if your dumb-butt husband had divorced you, you might call that abuse, too. I don't know. I'm not trying to be cavalier about this. Your feelings are very valid and you're absolutely entitled to your opinion. If you feel abused, then that's all you need to know. It's not important what I think. You have enough on your plate to deal with.

 

I will say this, though - you can get past this and that idiot man who hurt you is not worth your life, he is not worth that kind of pain, and you have absolute value all on your own without him around. I know betrayal hurts a LOT. There are no words for it. But there comes a point when it's important to shake it off, move past it, and stop letting it control your life and your happiness. I've been there so I'm not just writing flowery little words because they sound nice. I hope you will get pissed off with the whole thing and take back your life once and for all.

[ladydesigner]

I'm deeply sorry for what you've gone through. I really am. Like I said, you're welcome to call it anything you want. Maybe if your dumb-butt husband had divorced you, you might call that abuse, too. I don't know. I'm not trying to be cavalier about this. Your feelings are very valid and you're absolutely entitled to your opinion. If you feel abused, then that's all you need to know. It's not important what I think. You have enough on your plate to deal with.

 

I will say this, though - you can get past this and that idiot man who hurt you is not worth your life, he is not worth that kind of pain, and you have absolute value all on your own without him around. I know betrayal hurts a LOT. There are no words for it. But there comes a point when it's important to shake it off, move past it, and stop letting it control your life and your happiness. I've been there so I'm not just writing flowery little words because they sound nice. I hope you will get pissed off with the whole thing and take back your life once and for all.

 

Thank you I may have taken what you said too personally, but appreciate your response.

 

Sorry for any t/j I may have caused.

[Minnie09]

Thanks again to everyone who responded.

 

I spoke to OW today and said we needed to end it, for good. She was sad but agreed. We are going to try to remain friends.

 

Now I have to figure out what I am going to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that I started having feelings for someone else and ended the friendship to focus more on my marriage. The problem is, she knows OW. OW has been at our house a few times at bbqs I threw for my co-workers. They actually got along very well. OW is very obvious about her feelings for me at the office - no one knows for sure that we are having an affair, but people have their strong suspicions - but my wife can be pretty naive and oblivious to things in front of her so she has no idea. Anyway, I think I will tell her it's someone I used to work with who is no longer there. I just don't see the point in telling her the truth. It would only hurt her and there would be a higher chance that she would leave me, and I don't want that.

 

You make no sense. That's complete bull****. Why tell your W ANYTHING, if it's not the truth anyways? And remain friends? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's just an excuse for being able to still be in touch with the other woman. I think you're lying to yourself the most.

[GuitarPlayerMP]

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you for all your responses. I had a long talk with AP on how I really wanted to start focusing on my marriage. Long story short, she started getting annoying and whiny, and we had a couple of fights - and I thought about all the comments here about how I really needed to go NC, and I realized that you were right and I just had to end it. I told her I needed to stop speaking to her - at least for a while - as I focused on my marriage. I deleted her from my phone and unfriended her on Facebook. While we do work in the same place, luckily we are in separate areas so I don't have to interact with her two often often.

 

Two days ago, I sat my wife down and told her how I was very concerned about our marriage, our lack of common interests, our lack of sexual chemistry, etc. She was actually very responsive. She agreed - finally! - to go to MC and I said I wanted to go to IC as well. I was really impressed with her enthusiasm and it gave me a lot of hope.

 

This conversation went on for about three hours. Around that time, I started feeling really guilty about the A and for some reason felt like I needed to confess. So I told her that I needed to end a friendship at work. She asked with who. I told her who and she didn't seem too surprised. She asked if it was an emotional affair and if I was in love with her. I said I didn't know and started crying. I scrambled frantically to give a good story, and I said I was starting to develop feelings for her and realized I needed to end the friendship and focus on our marriage. She was not happy about this and went off to work in a bit of a huff. However, she calmed down later on in the day and said she understood since our marriage was such a mess and said she'd do whatever it takes to make things work.

 

When researching therapists, however, I realized that we could not do MC and IC at the same time due to our insurance,so we agreed to each do IC before doing MC. I know I have to work on myself, and I told her that it would be good for her to work on things that I feel contributed to the breakdown of our marriage (her coldness, emotionless, possible depression, lack of communication skills). We start that tomorrow.

 

It was a relief to semi-confess to the affair - even though it wasn't the whole truth I feel a big weight has been lifted off and I can be more authentic with her.

 

Thanks again for all your feedback. I will keep you posted on how things progress.