Having an affair, know I need to end it

[bathtub-row]

Always the words from an OW:lmao:

 

Yeah, until the OP told the rest of the story. He obviously left out a few key details.

 

You can laugh all you want, but try ignoring problems in your marriage and acting like you're the entitled one and watch how fast it falls apart. It happens all the time - with men and wonen. I was married to someone like that. The key word here is "was".

[autumnnight]

Yeah, until the OP told the rest of the story. He obviously left out a few key details.

 

You can laugh all you want, but try ignoring problems in your marriage and acting like you're the entitled one and watch how fast it falls apart. It happens all the time - with men and wonen. I was married to someone like that. The key word here is "was".

 

None of which justifies an affair.

[GuitarPlayerMP]

I suppose I should clarify about why I am so upset about OW and her ex-boyfriend. OW has actually gone on dates while we were in our relationship and she has told me. I know I can't prevent her from dating. IN fact, she had a boyfriend when we got together, but she broke up with him after a couple of months. Anyway, this ex-boyfriend is the father of her young daughter. When they broke up, he convinced the courts she was an unsuitable mother and he has full custody - she only has limited visitation. He was physically and mentally abusive, but he has money so he convinced the courts to rule in his favor. Anyway, I am upset that she went back with this guy after what she has been through with him, not necessarily the fact that she was went out with someone else. When she dates other people, it does bother me, but I know I have no right to be bothered by it. It's just that it's this particular guy who I know caused her so much pain.

 

On another note, I am working on my game plan for telling my wife about the affair. I am thinking I will tell her it was just an EA that never got physical. I don't think she needs to know the whole truth. After all, it will be over after tomorrow.

[Bootsie]

... I kind of felt entitled to it ... I find it hard to believe that this is actually martial abuse, however. ..

 

 

Infidelity if you've promised fidelity, lies, dishonesty, intimacy with an OW and the gaslighting are all a form of extreme emotional and psychological abuse within the marriage. I suggest you do a simple search on the internet of the term "gaslighting" and what constitutes emotional and psychological abuse within marriage.

 

 

If you're still having sex with your wife, while also having sex with another woman then there's a form of physical abuse as well. Not only has your wife not given "informed" consent but also she in unwittingly being exposed to STDs. There are several BW on this site who have caught life-long STDs and occasionally a cancer-causing or fatal STD from their WH's infidelity. You obviously have no idea who your OW is having sex with and who her other sexual partner(s) are having sex with. You are knowingly taking this risk but not your poor wife.

 

 

After you have researched all this, come back and see if you still deny you are a spouse abuser!

[bathtub-row]

I suppose I should clarify about why I am so upset about OW and her ex-boyfriend. OW has actually gone on dates while we were in our relationship and she has told me. I know I can't prevent her from dating. IN fact, she had a boyfriend when we got together, but she broke up with him after a couple of months. Anyway, this ex-boyfriend is the father of her young daughter. When they broke up, he convinced the courts she was an unsuitable mother and he has full custody - she only has limited visitation. He was physically and mentally abusive, but he has money so he convinced the courts to rule in his favor. Anyway, I am upset that she went back with this guy after what she has been through with him, not necessarily the fact that she was went out with someone else. When she dates other people, it does bother me, but I know I have no right to be bothered by it. It's just that it's this particular guy who I know caused her so much pain.

 

On another note, I am working on my game plan for telling my wife about the affair. I am thinking I will tell her it was just an EA that never got physical. I don't think she needs to know the whole truth. After all, it will be over after tomorrow.

 

Have you noticed how you and the OW both mirror your beliefs about love? You don't believe you deserve it and neither does she. Most likely, she sees the other guy because you have reinforced her belief that she isn't worthy of anything better.

 

I know people love to debate this issue, but I'll just throw my two-cents worth in. I think it's a mistake to tell your wife about the affair. You have no idea about the snake pit you're about to walk into, not to mention the amount of pain this will cause her for years to come. If you plan to stay committed to your marriage, then do that. If you're not, then leave.

[bathtub-row]

This is another thing people love to argue about -- that affairs are abuse. I think the word abuse gets thrown around too much and, in the case of affairs, it's just nonsense. If that were the case, then one could argue conversely that the spouse who has become so miserable as to cheat has been abused also. Or, why don't we just use broad brush strokes and say that marriage is abusive?

 

The only time an affair could be considered abusive is when an abusive spouse uses an affair to get back at his/her spouse, or to deliberately hurt them in some way. The spouse is already abusive and this is just a continuation of the abuse.

[bathtub-row]

None of which justifies an affair.

 

Maybe not but my point is, don't ever underestimate human nature.

[Bootsie]

This is another thing people love to argue about -- that affairs are abuse. I think the word abuse gets thrown around too much and, in the case of affairs, it's just nonsense. If that were the case, then one could argue conversely that the spouse who has become so miserable as to cheat has been abused also. Or, why don't we just use broad brush strokes and say that marriage is abusive?

 

The only time an affair could be considered abusive is when an abusive spouse uses an affair to get back at his/her spouse, or to deliberately hurt them in some way. The spouse is already abusive and this is just a continuation of the abuse.

 

 

I believe you are completely wrong. Did you research this, or is this just your opinion because you are in denial that a WH having affairs is essentially abusive behaviour? I'd be interested in any research that says otherwise. There's plenty on the internet that says it is emotional/psychological abuse. Of course it's possible that the BW is also abusive, but if she's not, that doesn't mean that the WH isn't either.

[bathtub-row]

I believe you are completely wrong. Did you research this, or is this just your opinion because you are in denial that a WH having affairs is essentially abusive behaviour? I'd be interested in any research that says otherwise. There's plenty on the internet that says it is emotional/psychological abuse. Of course it's possible that the BW is also abusive, but if she's not, that doesn't mean that the WH isn't either.

 

A lot of people think I'm wrong but that doesn't change my opinion. I was merely replying to OP's comment that he found it hard to believe that it's abuse. And I agree with him.

 

It's really a ridiculous argument as far as I'm concerned.

[Bootsie]

A lot of people think I'm wrong but that doesn't change my opinion. I was merely replying to OP's comment that he found it hard to believe that it's abuse. And I agree with him.

 

It's really a ridiculous argument as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

Ok I see.

 

 

In your opinion it's ridiculous to suggest that a WH is psychologically/emotionally abusing his BW when he is having sex with another while convincing/manipulating his BW to have sex with him on the basis that he is being faithful. Or when he is lying to her about his "second" life and the existence of an OW.

 

 

I would encourage both you and the OP to research this, because it's very common for people who have actually participated in this sort of abuse to be in denial about it. If not, you will no doubt persist in your own ridiculous views.

[autumnnight]

Maybe not but my point is, don't ever underestimate human nature.

 

My problem is overestimating many humans. I assume they'll be true to their values even in tough times. Then again, maybe they are being truevto THEIR values...

[autumnnight]

This is another thing people love to argue about -- that affairs are abuse. I think the word abuse gets thrown around too much and, in the case of affairs, it's just nonsense. If that were the case, then one could argue conversely that the spouse who has become so miserable as to cheat has been abused also. Or, why don't we just use broad brush strokes and say that marriage is abusive?

 

The only time an affair could be considered abusive is when an abusive spouse uses an affair to get back at his/her spouse, or to deliberately hurt them in some way. The spouse is already abusive and this is just a continuation of the abuse.

If the definition is knowingly committing hurtful and destructive behavior....I think an affair qualifies. But I understand why a cheater or cheaters helper wouldn't like that. It's one thing to be called a cheater. But it's a bit too uncomfortable to be called an abuser.

 

I guess I don't get it. If I was known to drive drunk, I wouldn't crash a meeting of MADD and defend myself.

[seren]

As a factor of most affairs is lying and often gaslighting, comparing an affair as abuse is not so far out. Gaslighting has a profound effect on a person trying to make sense of why their partner has changed so much, trying to second guess why they have suddenly become so distant or argumentative or convincing a person that their fears aren't real, is abusive. Finding out or being told there is an affair produces its own time of madness and fitting it all together in your head and realising that your life, while the affair was ongoing was a lie truly screws us your head. I have been through both and while I was lambasted for saying it, in my world, the affair was worse. Why? because I had learned to trust my husband and the affair blew that out if the water,

I expected nothing from my abusers, I had no love or trust invested in them, in my H I gave the hardest thing and the most. precious thing, 23 yrs of love and trust, reconciling has been hard, but succesful, the hardest thing I have done, and I say that I would live through all the awful things in my past than have an affair be a part of my marriage. Others may feel different, of course.

[whichwayisup]

You're hurting your wife now though she isn't aware of it...Yet.

 

Be honest. Be a man and confess, allow her the decision to either divorce you or try to reconnect with you for your son's sake. Staying in a marriage out of obligation and not making any effort with your wife is pointless and damaging to your son, maybe not now since he is young but as he gets older he will see an unhealthy dynamic between you and your wife and judge that on how relationships are supposed to be. No affection, no love shown, no emotional intimacy with your wife..

 

"The only real positive way for this to end is for MY WIFE to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy."

 

Your wife will NOT gladly hand you over to the OW with a smile on her face and she won't be 'happy'.

 

Funny how this is all about you.

 

Maybe being on your own is best. Be the best father to your son and co parent with your wife, have shared custody, then do as you please when you don't have your son. Because if you think your wife will allow this OW to quickly be around her son and be a step mom to him and be happy about it, you're fooling yourself.

[bathtub-row]

If the definition is knowingly committing hurtful and destructive behavior....I think an affair qualifies. But I understand why a cheater or cheaters helper wouldn't like that. It's one thing to be called a cheater. But it's a bit too uncomfortable to be called an abuser.

 

I guess I don't get it. If I was known to drive drunk, I wouldn't crash a meeting of MADD and defend myself.

 

Oh, I see. Because I'm a former OW, you assume that I've never been cheated on, and that I don't have a broad view of experiences related to marriage, affairs, abuse, family, betrayal, or anything else. Because I -- omg!!! -- had an affair with a MM. You probably would assume a lot of other things because you don't really know anything about me and my life. Well, amazingly enough, I do understand way more than most people know, yet I still have the ability to look at things without bias.

 

I stand by my viewpoint about affairs and abuse. Everyone else is welcome to their own.

[whichwayisup]

You do realize that you and the OW can't be 'friends' and have 'friend time' hang out etc, right? All it would be is an emotional affair. End it and go NC. Since you work with her, be professional and keep personal chat out of it. NO way can you two be only friends since you're attracted to her.

 

 

There’s actually been a pretty big development since this morning. I now know this thing with OW has to end. She was away this weekend, but neglected to tell me that her ex-boyfriend was with her. That is the second time she has withheld something from me that she would in no way be okay with if the situation was reversed. While I am angry, I can’t say she did something wrong. But this can’t continue. It is just a small peek into what can end up happening and that is unacceptable to me. I value our friendship too much to take a chance that negative emotions can ruin it. In truth, I am quite furious with her. She was texting me all weekend and omitted that very significant fact. Lying by omission is still lying. I kind of have to question how honest she is other times. I know now this would never work even if I were to leave my wife.

 

Difference is, your OW is NOT obligated or committed to you just like you're not to her. You are married, you go home to your wife every night, you live life with her. Of course your OW is going to keep her options open! She knows deep down you're not leaving your wife and son for her.

 

Do you see what the OW is doing to you is exactly what you are doing to your wife?

[whichwayisup]

 

On another note, I am working on my game plan for telling my wife about the affair. I am thinking I will tell her it was just an EA that never got physical. I don't think she needs to know the whole truth. After all, it will be over after tomorrow.

 

No!! BE honest, tell the truth. Own this. You cheated, had a sexual affair. Don't lie to your wife. She will find out on her own even if that means finding the OW and talking to her.

[minimariah]

Maybe being on your own is best. Be the best father to your son and co parent with your wife, have shared custody, then do as you please when you don't have your son. Because if you think your wife will allow this OW to quickly be around her son and be a step mom to him and be happy about it, you're fooling yourself.

 

the son is not OP's - the kid is his W's from her previous relationship. so it's a "clean" situation meaning that there won't be any custody battles & the OW won't be a stepmother. if he divorces, the W will probably keep him away from the kid.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously, you can't be with OW because "she lies?"

 

 

How about that you can't be in a genuine relationship because you lie.

 

 

I really hope that you look very clearly at yourself and your responsibility to your family. They deserve much better than what you are choosing to give them. In fact, it seems like you are "entitled" to much more than you give at home. No wonder you are so unhappy.

 

 

When you over-benefit from a marriage, sometimes it creates an illusion that there "isn't that much to do" and that you don't have to put in any effort. Then comes the being critical of your partner part: "if you can get the kitchen 95% clean, why did you miss that splash mark on the cupboard, I mean, really, I notice it the second I walk in the room." Instead of just getting a rag yourself and wiping it.

 

 

When you over-benefit in a relationship, you notice what "lacks" in your partner. Instead of your own lack of effort. It sounds like your wife is much more invested in your happiness and the marriage than you are conversely.

 

 

The fact that you are sleeping with another woman while your wife asks for marital counseling is pretty much a dead giveaway for that.

 

 

In fact, all of your posts show what your wife has done for you and where, in your opinion, she "lacks."

 

 

Where do you lack, aside from the loyalty department?

 

 

What have you done for her lately? Or consistently?

 

 

And don't dare turn this around to "oh I guess I am just a crappy husband/person."

No. But you are behaving like one. And that can change in seconds in you start investing in yourself (not in the indulgent way, in the self-care way, the healthy way) and start investing in your wife's self-esteem and your marriage.

 

 

You clearly have enough energy to run around with an OW, if you took that time, cut it in half, and put it toward improving your marriage or boosting your wife's self-esteem: it would have brought you dividends.

 

 

Life is about choices. And it's finite.

 

 

Thank you all for your responses. They are pretty harsh, but I appreciate them. They are actually very timely. Due to some things that have gone on today, I realize that many of you are right; I should end the affair and focus on my marriage.

 

There’s actually been a pretty big development since this morning. I now know this thing with OW has to end. She was away this weekend, but neglected to tell me that her ex-boyfriend was with her. That is the second time she has withheld something from me that she would in no way be okay with if the situation was reversed. While I am angry, I can’t say she did something wrong. But this can’t continue. It is just a small peek into what can end up happening and that is unacceptable to me. I value our friendship too much to take a chance that negative emotions can ruin it. In truth, I am quite furious with her. She was texting me all weekend and omitted that very significant fact. Lying by omission is still lying. I kind of have to question how honest she is other times. I know now this would never work even if I were to leave my wife.

 

So OW “has a lot to talk about” with me tomorrow. She said it is related to her ex-boyfriend asking her to get back together. She wouldn’t say what her reply was. She then said she was looking forward to friend time with me. I am relieved, because as I said, this has to end. In fact, in my mind it already has. I will miss the amazing physical connection we have, and hope that we don’t lose the rest of our connection as we transition to a more appropriate relationship.

 

I understand why this started, but the time has come to either fix my marriage or end it. It should have nothing to do with my interest in someone else because that will always be subject to change, especially when the dynamic of this relationship is based solely on sharing what we lack outside of our relationship and does not have to deal with real relationship issues. I can never completely focus on fixing what is wrong in my marriage unless I give it all I got.

 

I am going to end it tomorrow with OW. We have actually discussed ending it several times, but for some reason we keep going back to sleeping together. It’s almost like we’re addicted to each other. This situation with her ex-boyfriend certainly changes things. I believe many of you are right when you say I should come clean about the affair and see how it goes. I will keep you posted on how things progress.

[whichwayisup]

the son is not OP's - the kid is his W's from her previous relationship. so it's a "clean" situation meaning that there won't be any custody battles & the OW won't be a stepmother. if he divorces, the W will probably keep him away from the kid.

 

My mistake, missed that, so thanks!

 

You are right, it's an easier break in the sense that the child is not biologically his.

 

Seems he was never truly "in love" with his wife from the beginning.

[truncated]

If I were you, i wouldn't trust your OW any further than you can throw her.

 

She is showing you, in bold and living color, that you can't trust her as either a lover or a friend.

 

If you do decide to make things right between you and your wife, keeping this ow as a "friend" is out of the question. She is NOT your friend. She is NOT a friend of your maraige. She is acting every bit as selfish and entitled as you are.

 

If she really was your "friend" she would want what was best for you, and buddy, being inan affair aint it. A friennd builds you up to be the best that you can be, they don't drag you down into the cesspoool right along with them.

 

BTW, if I were you, I wouldn;t trust the notion that her ex only got custody of the kids because "he has money". There's probably a whole lot more going on than that. Could it be the partying that you mentioned earlier?

 

One more thing to keep in mind. You might think you can hide all of this from your wife and she will never know, but that idea is predicated on teh notion that she will never find an email, message or other communication between you and your ow, that she will never become suspicious, and most importantly, taht your ow will not blab the truth to your wife.

 

While I am all for the truth commin out so that a marraige can reconile on an honest and upfront basis, many ow spill the beans out of spite, anger, to hurt the bs or their former ap who no loner wnats them in their life. This is something you have no control over, and it will cut a million times more deeply if your wife hears it from someone other than you.

 

You think you can trust your ow to keep her mouth closed? Just wait until some night when she's lonely, had a few drinks and is angry that you and your wife are reconciling and she's been left out in the cold. Then comes the phone call, text or facebook message to your wife taht will shatter her world and any trust she may have in you.

 

Also, if you won;t tell her you've been sleeping with this ow for your wife's mental health, do it for her physical health. you don't know who your ow has been knocking bos with beides you, and you don't know if she's used protection, etc. You want to risk your own life and health by sleeping with her? That's up to you, but you don't have the risk to ask your wife to unknowingly assume that same risk.

[autumnnight]

Oh, I see. Because I'm a former OW, you assume that I've never been cheated on, and that I don't have a broad view of experiences related to marriage, affairs, abuse, family, betrayal, or anything else. Because I -- omg!!! -- had an affair with a MM. You probably would assume a lot of other things because you don't really know anything about me and my life. Well, amazingly enough, I do understand way more than most people know, yet I still have the ability to look at things without bias.

 

I stand by my viewpoint about affairs and abuse. Everyone else is welcome to their own.

 

Unless you count dating, I have never been betrayed, so the typical assumption that I am jaded by being a BS doesn't apply to me. My main point was that this is the infidelity section, where people are reeling from being horribly betrayed by the one person they should have been able to trust the most. So minimizing their pain might not always be the most compassionate move. I am sure that you, like me, and everyone else, has had a variety of experiences. And no, your past choice of being an OW does NOT define you, just like none of us wants to be defined by one bad choice we may have made. If you shake our closets long enough, ALL of us have skeletons.

[Bittersweetie]

Guitar Player,

 

I'm a fWS. I can say with certainty that it is really f'ing difficult to look at your own face in the mirror and say, "I made some really bad choices. I hurt a lot of people. I've been a selfish jerk and f'ed up everything."

 

No one wants to be the bad guy or admit to being the bad guy. But the fact was...I was the bad guy.

 

And you are too. No point in denying it.

 

It's called "owing your shyte." If you can take this key step, and own up to your choices, then maybe you can move forward and pull yourself and your life back together.

 

But right now, you don't see yourself as the bad guy. You're pointing fingers at your wife (blameshifting) and your OW (hypocritical). Go look in a mirror and tell me what you see.

 

Unfortunately, it isn't until everything has hit the fan, like in my case, that a WS starts to own their shyte. You have the opportunity now to be a man and make better choices and start living an authentic life. I can tell you that I am a million percent happier and content now, living authentically and honestly, then I ever was in the A. All that justification and rationalization messed with my mind...those kind of mental gymnastics are unhealthy.

 

Also, I'm still with my H, and he knows everything.

 

Good luck to you,

BSW

[Trimmer]

I suppose I should clarify about why I am so upset about OW and her ex-boyfriend. OW has actually gone on dates while we were in our relationship and she has told me. I know I can't prevent her from dating. IN fact, she had a boyfriend when we got together, but she broke up with him after a couple of months. Anyway, this ex-boyfriend is the father of her young daughter. When they broke up, he convinced the courts she was an unsuitable mother and he has full custody - she only has limited visitation. He was physically and mentally abusive, but he has money so he convinced the courts to rule in his favor. Anyway, I am upset that she went back with this guy after what she has been through with him, not necessarily the fact that she was went out with someone else. When she dates other people, it does bother me, but I know I have no right to be bothered by it. It's just that it's this particular guy who I know caused her so much pain.

 

Actually, I'm going to have to call BS on this explanation. You make it sound like "I know she's with others, I'm just concerned that she's not making a good choice for herself..."

 

But when you first described it, you were all indignant about the lie, and went to some lengths to discuss how a lie of omission is still a lie, and how you would now question her honesty at other times:

In truth, I am quite furious with her. She was texting me all weekend and omitted that very significant fact. Lying by omission is still lying. I kind of have to question how honest she is other times. I know now this would never work even if I were to leave my wife.

 

So the "I'm a good guy - I'm just worried about her choices..." explanation doesn't really ring very genuine.

 

Note: I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset about a partner lying to you, and I'm not at all surprised that was your first - and likely very genuine - concern and upset.

 

I just think that in the long run, you understandably have trouble with the cognitive dissonance created when you find yourself angry and upset at your OW for doing the exact same thing you are doing to your wife. So to resolve that conflict, you morphed it into being about your concern for her choices.

 

Be honest with yourself, both about why you are angry with your OW, and about how that reflects back to your behavior with your wife.

[autumnnight]

Be honest with yourself, both about why you are angry with your OW, and about how that reflects back to your behavior with your wife.

 

Yep. I believe that one reason this is so frustrating for you is that you are smart enough to KNOW that being upset at your OW for not being "faithful" to YOU is the height of narcissistic hypocrisy.