Dating outside your paygrade

[CrystalShine2011]

Rude men. I dated a man who was 14 years my senior: he had a very successful career and never looked down on me as I worked two jobs (secretary and retail)

[Ruby Slippers]

That sucks. I run my own small business, and while revenue is six figures, I pay myself peanuts because I reinvest most of the money back into the business to keep improving it. I have never felt judged by a guy I was dating because of this, and that's from a range of guys, modest to high income, all white collar professionals. On the contrary, they seem to respect that I'm working hard on my own venture. It's sad that the guys you've dated can't appreciate that you're working hard for something better.

 

Have you considered seeking out more conservative, somewhat traditional guys? That's who I tend to date, and most of them have said they don't care if I make any money, and would be happy to provide while I take care of the family and household.

[elaine567]

That sucks. I run my own small business, and while revenue is six figures, I pay myself peanuts because I reinvest most of the money back into the business to keep improving it. I have never felt judged by a guy I was dating because of this, and that's from a range of guys, modest to high income, all white collar professionals. On the contrary, they seem to respect that I'm working hard on my own venture. It's sad that the guys you've dated can't appreciate that you're working hard for something better.

 

Have you considered seeking out more conservative, somewhat traditional guys? That's who I tend to date, and most of them have said they don't care if I make any money, and would be happy to provide while I take care of the family and household.

 

Yes but you are "running your own business", sounds a lot better than "I am waiting at tables" or "I am behind the counter at a fast food restaurant."

Your business may not make much money, but the status of running your own business is seen to be better, as it is seen to have potential.

 

But you are right it does suck.

[Ruby Slippers]

I see your point. But I think it stands that more traditional guys don't care as much about this. Because of the path I've chosen, I've always had to be very mindful of my budget and live a frugal lifestyle. Most of the men I've had serious relationships with said they never expected their wife to have to worry about earning money, and they paid for most of our dating expenses.

[Gaeta]

I don't think it's the fact you don't make much money or you don't have a corporate job. I think it's the fact you have 4 different jobs and this for the past 7 years. You pretty much handle your working life like a student would do, not the way a woman of a certain age would do. My daughter used to have 3 part time jobs through her University, that's the type of things early 20ish students do.

 

Lets say you bartend, waitress, clean houses, and work as a cashier in Walmart. It would look and give people a better image if you picked one of those jobs and devoted a full time schedule to it. Full time waitresses make a darn good living where I am and it's not looked down at.

 

I am just trying to put myself in these men's shoes. I am an executive, I date plenty of men with blue collar jobs. A man working full time in a manufacture, with vacation time and benefits would appear much more stable to me than another one working 4 part-time jobs.

 

I just think your 4 part-time jobs make you look scattered all over the place.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I don't think it's the fact you don't make much money or you don't have a corporate job. I think it's the fact you have 4 different jobs and this for the past 7 years. You pretty much handle your working life like a student would do, not the way a woman of a certain age would do. My daughter used to have 3 part time jobs through her University, that's the type of things early 20ish students do.

 

Lets say you bartend, waitress, clean houses, and work as a cashier in Walmart. It would look and give people a better image if you picked one of those jobs and devoted a full time schedule to it. Full time waitresses make a darn good living where I am and it's not looked down at.

 

I am just trying to put myself in these men's shoes. I am an executive, I date plenty of men with blue collar jobs. A man working full time in a manufacture, with vacation time and benefits would appear much more stable to me than another one working 4 part-time jobs.

 

I just think your 4 part-time jobs make you look scattered all over the place.

 

But see, you're missing the OP's point: She did NOT choose to work FOUR different part time jobs! It is because the employers in her area for the past 7 years have NOT hired her for full-time work! How is that HER fault?!

 

What would people have the OP do...wait it out until she DID get hired for a full-time job so that she would "appear more stable", give other people a "better image" of her and so she can "handle her working life the way a woman of a certain age would do"?? And then, after she DID wait it out and did NOT accept ANY part-time jobs, then she would be JOBLESS...her bills would NOT be paid, she would be EVICTED from her home and then she would be HOMELESS! Oh yeah, THAT would really make an impression on the conceited, high and mighty "corporate" crowd, eh?

 

So, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. Wow. Just wow. Ya know, a person CAN'T force a company to HIRE them. I've heard about people who hold MASTERS and BACHELORS degrees; people who have been physicians, attorneys, dentists, etc. and because of the economy, a lay off or some other UNFORTUNATE circumstance that was BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, they find themselves at the BOTTOM of the unemployment barrel! It's DISGUSTING how many judgmental and egoistic people there are in the dating world! No wonder the OP is discouraged.

 

 

.

[Gaeta]

But see, you're missing the OP's point: She did NOT choose to work FOUR different part time jobs! It is because the employers in her area for the past 7 years have NOT hired her for full-time work! How is that HER fault?!

 

What would people have the OP do...wait it out until she DID get hired for a full-time job so that she would "appear more stable", give other people a "better image" of her and so she can "handle her working life the way a woman of a certain age would do"?? And then, after she DID wait it out and did NOT accept ANY part-time jobs, then she would be JOBLESS...her bills would NOT be paid, she would be EVICTED from her home and then she would be HOMELESS! Oh yeah, THAT would really make an impression on the conceited, high and mighty "corporate" crowd, eh?

 

So, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. Wow. Just wow. Ya know, a person CAN'T force a company to HIRE them. I've heard about people who hold MASTERS and BACHELORS degrees; people who have been physicians, attorneys, dentists, etc. and because of the economy, a lay off or some other UNFORTUNATE circumstance that was BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, they find themselves at the BOTTOM of the unemployment barrel! It's DISGUSTING how many judgmental and egoistic people there are in the dating world! No wonder the OP is discouraged..

 

You relax and no need to call anyone disgusting. I am not judging anyone here !!! I just said it makes her look scattered all over the place, how is that offending!

 

No full time job came available to her in 7 YEARS in ANY FIELD in her area?

 

I am not telling her to not work while waiting for a corporate job. I am telling her to aim at a full time job in ANY field!!

 

But OP said already she is happy with her 4 part-time jobs. She gave up on bettering her situation. She accepts her current situation and it's probably what bothers men, her lack of ambition and her not aiming at something more stable.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You know, I never heard of too many men caring about a woman's paygrade...I usually find it the other way around.

 

 

 

You relax and no need to call anyone disgusting. I am not judging anyone here !!! I just said it makes her look scattered all over the place, how is that offending!

 

No full time job came available to her in 7 YEARS in ANY FIELD in her area?

 

I am not telling her to not work while waiting for a corporate job. I am telling her to aim at a full time job in ANY field!!

 

But OP said already she is happy with her 4 part-time jobs. She gave up on bettering her situation. She accepts her current situation and it's probably what bothers men, her lack of ambition and her not aiming at something more stable.

[Gaeta]

You know, I never heard of too many men caring about a woman's paygrade...I usually find it the other way around.

 

Like I said, it's not about her paycheck, it's about her being in 4 different part-time job instead of looking for a 1 full time job, no matter the job.

 

A full time job as a waitress looks better than a part-time job as an accountant, another part time as secretary, another part time as librarian.

[clevelander321]

I disagree with most on this thread. I do not feel your job choice has any bearing on landing a man. Are you a pisces? 4 jobs does make you seem scattered.

 

Matt Damon married a bartender. Guys all over marry poor women, successful women, business owners, day care teachers, waitresses, etc.

 

Often times we have successful women complaining that "men are intimidated by their success". They always feel the need to blame men for their lack of dating success, and chalk it up to something out of their control, instead of changing how they date.

[Macattack]

The reason is many women won't date down. You can't blame men when women themselves will refuse to date down.

 

Educated Women and "Marrying Down" - Forbes

[Auspecial]

I don't think it's the fact you don't make much money or you don't have a corporate job. I think it's the fact you have 4 different jobs and this for the past 7 years. You pretty much handle your working life like a student would do, not the way a woman of a certain age would do. My daughter used to have 3 part time jobs through her University, that's the type of things early 20ish students do.

 

Lets say you bartend, waitress, clean houses, and work as a cashier in Walmart. It would look and give people a better image if you picked one of those jobs and devoted a full time schedule to it. Full time waitresses make a darn good living where I am and it's not looked down at.

 

I am just trying to put myself in these men's shoes. I am an executive, I date plenty of men with blue collar jobs. A man working full time in a manufacture, with vacation time and benefits would appear much more stable to me than another one working 4 part-time jobs.

 

I just think your 4 part-time jobs make you look scattered all over the place.

 

I understand what you are saying about the way it "looks." But what others don't understand is all the work I HAVE and DO continue to do to secure a full-time. It is difficult for people who have never been in this position to understand. I know this, because I've never had trouble getting good work until 2008.

 

 

It seems to me that people should accept and admire the fact that I am doing what it takes, but the reality is probably closer to what you are saying, that most people see "four jobs," and they think "I couldn't do that, its nuts!" And then they assume that "you" are scattered, when perhaps you are actually more organized than they!

[clevelander321]

The reason is many women won't date down. You can't blame men when women themselves will refuse to date down.

 

Educated Women and "Marrying Down" - Forbes

 

This is true. Then throw in they must be a certain height, have a certain look, AND be single, you are left with like 1% of the population.

[Gaeta]

It seems to me that people should accept and admire the fact that I am doing what it takes, but the reality is probably closer to what you are saying, that most people see "four jobs," and they think "I couldn't do that, its nuts!" And then they assume that "you" are scattered, when perhaps you are actually more organized than they!

 

I agree that it must take a great amount of organization and also schedule wise if you meet someone that works 9 to 5 Mon-Fri what kind of free time do you have? With 4 jobs you must be working days, evenings and weekends? and your shifts must change from one week to another?

[Auspecial]

But see, you're missing the OP's point: She did NOT choose to work FOUR different part time jobs! It is because the employers in her area for the past 7 years have NOT hired her for full-time work! How is that HER fault?!

 

What would people have the OP do...wait it out until she DID get hired for a full-time job so that she would "appear more stable", give other people a "better image" of her and so she can "handle her working life the way a woman of a certain age would do"?? And then, after she DID wait it out and did NOT accept ANY part-time jobs, then she would be JOBLESS...her bills would NOT be paid, she would be EVICTED from her home and then she would be HOMELESS! Oh yeah, THAT would really make an impression on the conceited, high and mighty "corporate" crowd, eh?

 

So, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. Wow. Just wow. Ya know, a person CAN'T force a company to HIRE them. I've heard about people who hold MASTERS and BACHELORS degrees; people who have been physicians, attorneys, dentists, etc. and because of the economy, a lay off or some other UNFORTUNATE circumstance that was BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, they find themselves at the BOTTOM of the unemployment barrel! It's DISGUSTING how many judgmental and egoistic people there are in the dating world! No wonder the OP is discouraged.

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

Wow, thanks again, BlackOps! You hit the nail right on the head with this!! The truth is, sometimes I have had one or two part-times, just right now it happens to be four. I really do wish people were better able to understand the dynamic and reality of this that is going on for a LOT of people.

 

 

Let me know when you need me to have your back!!!

[Auspecial]

You know, I never heard of too many men caring about a woman's paygrade...I usually find it the other way around.

 

This is partially correct.

 

 

TO CLARIFY:

 

 

I am forced to work part-time because I can't get a full-time. I need full-time hours to pay my bills, so I work whatever it takes to get "full-time" wages.

 

 

I make a *choice* to be content within my life, whatever cards I am dealt. I also do not accept jobs that I do not enjoy on some level. Therefore, yes I am happy with the four jobs. They are paying my bills and I enjoy the work. I am not homeless and I have a content life. I would prefer to have one job that pays the bills, and I would do a job I disliked somewhat to achieve this, but I am not willing to do a job I would be miserable in just so someone won't point at me and say "she works four jobs, Nuts!"

[Macattack]

.

 

So, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. Wow. Just wow. Ya know, a person CAN'T force a company to HIRE them. I've heard about people who hold MASTERS and BACHELORS degrees; people who have been physicians, attorneys, dentists, etc. and because of the economy, a lay off or some other UNFORTUNATE circumstance that was BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, they find themselves at the BOTTOM of the unemployment barrel! It's DISGUSTING how many judgmental and egoistic people there are in the dating world! No wonder the OP is discouraged.

 

 

.

 

 

Men been going through this for decades. In South, Korea it started in the late 90's. For Americans it started mostly around 2008. Companies are required to meet quotas and can be forced or pressured to hire women over men not because they earned it either. Obama wanted to pass a law to hire more women.

 

If a guy can't afford to date he's a loser, if he has a full time job he is told to get a 2nd job so that he can take out a woman.

[inpeices]

I understand what you are saying about the way it "looks." But what others don't understand is all the work I HAVE and DO continue to do to secure a full-time. It is difficult for people who have never been in this position to understand. I know this, because I've never had trouble getting good work until 2008.

 

 

It seems to me that people should accept and admire the fact that I am doing what it takes, but the reality is probably closer to what you are saying, that most people see "four jobs," and they think "I couldn't do that, its nuts!" And then they assume that "you" are scattered, when perhaps you are actually more organized than they!

 

 

Auspecial...

 

Firstly kudos to you for working so hard in a very difficult economic climate! And holding down your jobs and honouring the bills etc whilst many with their "high flying" careers and posh houses/flash cars and fancy lifestyles live in daily fear of losing it all.. Afterall, whilst it may mean a lot to some people to have such status, we who have lived life and taken the knocks, know that what actually matters at the very bottom of it all, is to have a decent meal on the table and inner soul contentment..to be happy in our own skin..and a little bed to sleep well at night..

 

I am in a similar situation and I did take mild offence at one posters' comment regarding "working at a gas station" As that is precisely what I do right now...

But you know what? I have been recently dating someone who I would say far exceeds my 'current' financial status... They want to see me, spend time with me regardless.. They are not superficial like that..

They see beyond my current circumstance and appreciate my whole being and me as a person..

Sounds to me like you have met guys who are not worth the air you breathe.. Find one who wants to live and breathe every moment of YOU.. Anyone who is even scared of supposed ''gold digging' isn't worth a second look in my book.. It is they who is shallow not you..

You be yourself and all will come right in good time you will see..

 

All the best xx

[Auspecial]

You relax and no need to call anyone disgusting. I am not judging anyone here !!! I just said it makes her look scattered all over the place, how is that offending!

 

No full time job came available to her in 7 YEARS in ANY FIELD in her area?

 

I am not telling her to not work while waiting for a corporate job. I am telling her to aim at a full time job in ANY field!!

 

But OP said already she is happy with her 4 part-time jobs. She gave up on bettering her situation. She accepts her current situation and it's probably what bothers men, her lack of ambition and her not aiming at something more stable.

 

 

 

Again, it appears you didn't get what I was saying. And most likely, that is what is happening with these guys as well. They see "four jobs," and think "that would drive me batty," so they assume I must be batty.

 

 

Again, my preference is not four jobs. My preference is one full-time. YES, YES, YES you CAN believe that hasn't happened in SEVEN YEARS. I am not alone, either. I never dreamed this would happen to me after many years of work and financial success. But it has and I am working with it. Just because this hasn't happened to you does not mean that it doesn't happen to others on a daily basis.

[Gary S]

When I looked at the heading/opening post, I expected to read a post by a man. My, how things have changed!

 

Well, the economy is still not great, so having 4 part-time jobs is not surprising.

 

My biggest question would be, how do you have time to date?

 

That aside, do your friends care that you have 4 jobs and are not an executive? - if they don't, neither should your boyfriend. You just have to find the right man. You are only looking for one, who cares what all the rest think.

 

A relationship is a friendship on fire, with romance and affection to turn up the heat! As long as you are not doing anything immoral or illegal, who cares if you are the garbage girl!

[Auspecial]

You relax and no need to call anyone disgusting. I am not judging anyone here !!! I just said it makes her look scattered all over the place, how is that offending!

 

No full time job came available to her in 7 YEARS in ANY FIELD in her area?

 

I am not telling her to not work while waiting for a corporate job. I am telling her to aim at a full time job in ANY field!!

 

But OP said already she is happy with her 4 part-time jobs. She gave up on bettering her situation. She accepts her current situation and it's probably what bothers men, her lack of ambition and her not aiming at something more stable.

 

 

 

ALSO, as I stated in the first post, I have and do continuously apply for full-times. Its a miracle I haven't given up after all the piles of rejection. For you to sit and judge something that you can't even relate to is very sad. I have never been on any type of assistance. I don't need it now but there was a time when I definitely met criteria but I just kept working whatever I could get.

 

 

Thinking I have given up in any way or don't want to better myself is very short-sighted on your part, as well as a big jump to conclusion.

 

 

However, this is probably a common viewpoint of these guys I mentioned, so this reality of misperceptions and judgement is alive and kicking.

[clevelander321]

ALSO, as I stated in the first post, I have and do continuously apply for full-times. Its a miracle I haven't given up after all the piles of rejection. For you to sit and judge something that you can't even relate to is very sad. I have never been on any type of assistance. I don't need it now but there was a time when I definitely met criteria but I just kept working whatever I could get.

 

 

Thinking I have given up in any way or don't want to better myself is very short-sighted on your part, as well as a big jump to conclusion.

 

 

However, this is probably a common viewpoint of these guys I mentioned, so this reality of misperceptions and judgement is alive and kicking.

 

I have never met someone with 4 jobs, but men care about how a woman makes them feel, not what she does for work. I think this is more in your head than the reality of the situation.

[Gaeta]

Again, it appears you didn't get what I was saying. And most likely, that is what is happening with these guys as well. They see "four jobs," and think "that would drive me batty," so they assume I must be batty.

 

 

Again, my preference is not four jobs. My preference is one full-time. YES, YES, YES you CAN believe that hasn't happened in SEVEN YEARS. I am not alone, either. I never dreamed this would happen to me after many years of work and financial success. But it has and I am working with it. Just because this hasn't happened to you does not mean that it doesn't happen to others on a daily basis.

 

You know it's possible I don't fully grasps the economical situation where you are. Where I live unemployment is 4% and if people lose their job it takes a couple of weeks to a couple of months and they find a new one, maybe the longest 6 months.

[Auspecial]

I disagree with most on this thread. I do not feel your job choice has any bearing on landing a man. Are you a pisces? 4 jobs does make you seem scattered.

 

Matt Damon married a bartender. Guys all over marry poor women, successful women, business owners, day care teachers, waitresses, etc.

 

Often times we have successful women complaining that "men are intimidated by their success". They always feel the need to blame men for their lack of dating success, and chalk it up to something out of their control, instead of changing how they date.

 

 

 

In truth, sometimes I have two jobs. Right now I happen to have four.

 

 

I understand the sentiment, though. Maybe a solution is to just tell them a pleasantry so they won't get all stressed thinking about me working so much.

[Gaeta]

For you to sit and judge something that you can't even relate to is very sad.

 

I don't understand why what I said is perceived as being judgmental. You are wanting to hear opinions as to what is going with these men and I offered a possibility that they may see you as scattered all over the place with 4 jobs. I fail to see how this is judging you.

 

If I have offended you I apologize, it was not my intention.