Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 IF you have to ask how do i know i love my husband...it should be the first big clue that you don't. If you start a thread and the title is Why do I not care enough to do the heavy lifting...it answers your questions. Can she fall in love with him again...yes Can she then care enough to do the heavy lifting...yes Is there hope...yes But my gut tells me the odds are slim to none that this will ever be resolved. Can they live together and have acceptance? Yes...but the op is going to have to comply with everything the bs is asking for....and she has already admitted she is not willing to do that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I don't feel like anyone does anyone any favors by staying in a marriage where they do not love their spouse. If you don't love him, leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Somehow I don't feel that the OP would want to leave, because it would bring up her past infidelity and probably be revealed to people she would rather not know. I imagine she has gotten used to life as it is now and doesn't want to start over in the dating game again. There isn't much that screams out that you really love your H and regret those two affairs more than anything. Maybe your H is now thinking he can do better and move on with someone else. Can I just ask.....did you give any consideration to your husband's feelings at so when toy went back to work at that company? Do's you discuss it worth him at all? I'm sorry, but I find that equivalent to a kick in the teeth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Time to get your act together and be the wife your husband deserves or get the hell out of his life. You have stolen 22 years of his life, what else do you want from the guy? If you gave him half the effort you put into your affair you might still have a chance at making it. On top of the disrespect you showed him by having two affairs, you go back to the very place where the worst crime took place and start working with the O/M(even if your 3 floors apart and never talk to your husband your working with the other man). The man has continued to stand by your side in spite of yourself. If you do not want to do the work required than get out, your all in or your out and right now your somewhere in the middle. Not good enough, he deserves better and you and he now knows that. You chose to be with him when you married him, no one forced you. You chose to be unfaithful more than once, again, no one forced you, you made a conscious decision to cheat, your husband was never given a choice. He now has a choice, he's thought about it for 22 years and he is now giving you a choice. He's told you what he needs and all you need to do is decide if a bit of heavy lifting is worth the last 30 or so years, if you fail this time it's over, permanently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I'm still confused over how much there is to tell... To say the husband never had a choice is wrong. Once she confessed (and then again) he had a choice. He chose to rug sweep. Unfortunatly it caught up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 well she seems to have disappeared...so maybe she solved her issues 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aspentree Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Even thought I agree with all posters that your husband deserves to have such simple requests fulfilled by you, I'm going to get a bit sidetracked because, I think there's something else at the heart of the issue. I don't think it's healthy to continually bring up details of the most agonizing time in the marriage 20 years ago, on a daily basis. The way you explain your story, it makes it seem as if he's disappointed that you're not the one bringing up the explanations of what happened in those affairs, as a daily topic of discussion, out of the blue. I think there's something that is currently going on in your life, that is preventing him from moving on, or triggering those feelings again. Again, because based on what you are saying, your H will not get peace, no matter how many times you tell him what happened. Sorry, I've had some long days plus evening events our son participated in. I used to think too that it was just making him worse to bring this up all the time, but I've come around to understand that he is the one who should know best when we no longer need to deal with the affairs. He is the one who is wading through that debris field looking for things that would reassure him that WE will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aspentree Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 We do love each other very much. We both feel strongly about that. My husband is just reeling from the accumulated impacts of the terrible decisions I have made in the past and he really is looking for me to walk that painful road together with him. I have transitioned from an incredibly selfish state of mind where I did not even want to face my demons to one where I felt sorry about what I had done, and finally I am beginning to understand what remorse means and as I see him suffering I want to be there to share it with him, to help him carry that heavy bag of rocks, as Mrs JA put it so eloquently in another thread. He too admits to having made less than sensible decisions, such as accepting my selfish decision to go back to the same work place and being perhaps too patient and forgiving in the years after the affairs. He is truly suffering from PTSD and that I am FULLY AND COMPLETELY responsible for. I would never hold him back if he chose to walk away in order to heal, or to find someone who will treat him with respect. I know that I do not deserve him at this point, but I am prepared to do whatever it takes and whatever he asks me to do. The OP"s husband may be approaching a transition time in his life, for instance thinking about the end of career and subsequent retirement years. He may be deciding both how he wants to spend that time and, more importantly, who he wants to spend it with. I think Mr. Lucky got it right when he observed this. Regardless of how hard the road ahead is, I think we are on a path now that will lead to a better place whether we will be together or apart. And I know now that I made decisions that were so grave they forever changed the life of my husband, the way he looks at life and the way he feels about himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 It seems that you say "whether we are together or not" in about all your posts. I don't know how dire your situation is, but it comes of to me that you aren't fighting all that hard. I'm guessing that if I'm feeling that with just the few words you've posted, he feels the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nawlins Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 OP, if you are prepared to do whatever it takes then why aren’t you? You’ve reiterated several times in this thread that you have not, could not, or would not do the things your BH needed to heal. At times during your thread I thought perhaps you were thinking that because you never went “all the way” with your A’s that maybe in your mind it was not a big deal. But, regardless of how far the A’s went, it’s still breaking the vows of marriage. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is are you capable of doing all that you can for your husband without limits? If you can’t truly do all the things he asks of you, you need to tell him so he can make a decision to stay married or not. Remember, the way he looks at life and himself have changed, but also the way he feels about you has changed as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) OP, if you are prepared to do whatever it takes then why aren’t you? You’ve reiterated several times in this thread that you have not, could not, or would not do the things your BH needed to heal. At times during your thread I thought perhaps you were thinking that because you never went “all the way” with your A’s that maybe in your mind it was not a big deal. But, regardless of how far the A’s went, it’s still breaking the vows of marriage. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is are you capable of doing all that you can for your husband without limits? If you can’t truly do all the things he asks of you, you need to tell him so he can make a decision to stay married or not. Remember, the way he looks at life and himself have changed, but also the way he feels about you has changed as well.Yeah, and don't forget the first words she started this thread with—at the top of every page: Why don't I care enough... ... and that it's only been 5 days since OP's first weird post, her detached reporting of the agony she's put her husband through and general cluelessness about the mind-boggling thoughtlessness (besides the affairs themselves) of her actions and oversights (e.g., the diaries). So she's gone from that to "I am realizing how wonderful it is to love someone... and what it takes." That was followed by "Some serious introspection is needed here. I should see an IC." And now we're at "I have transitioned from an incredibly selfish state of mind where I did not even want to face my demons to one where I felt sorry about what I had done, and finally I am beginning to understand what remorse means." All since Feb. 22nd. I remember my husband was moved and excited by the How to Help your Spouse Heal book, but it didn't last. He couldn't stay there on his own or just by seeing what I was going through. I think IC with a specialist in infidelity therapy 2 x week MIGHT have kept up some of the momentum from the book and helped him move forward instead of slipping back to his own world, ways of thinking and processing what was happening in terms of survival of the ego. Without continued input and openness to it, the window of opportunity closed. And I think it's significant this discovery. I mean, the words they read lend insight for a while, offer hope and list steps for fixing things. So mouthing back what they've read, they seem to think they just follow the steps. Don't get me wrong; I think OP has learned a lot from what she's read here and is sincere in the enthusiasm and newfound understanding she's writing about. But that is just the point maybe. If it goes only that deep, what's missing and what a book and online forum can't do is take the WS through the necessary anguish, suffering and self-examination that leads to "true remorse." She has written most recently about feeling sorry. It's hard to believe, however, if she has to write it. Yet all this is a process. Maybe she's sincere, wants to change. It's just that she needs help, expert help, where she is so that it's not just a false or superficial start. I had no idea then or now how you find such a "specialist" but I think that's what needs to happen now while the momentum is there. Edited February 28, 2015 by merrmeade 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pull n Pray Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 My H and I have been married for almost 30 years. We are in the 3rd year of a R. I had 2 affairs, the first 22 years ago and the second less than 2 years later. The first was an EA, the second was EA turning PA on D-Day. Am I the only one who is completely lost? I surmised that H stands for "husband". But what do R, EA, PA, and D-Day mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Am I the only one who is completely lost? I surmised that H stands for "husband". But what do R, EA, PA, and D-Day mean? R = Reconciliation EA = Emotional Affair PA = Physical Affair D-Day = Discovery Day Link to post Share on other sites
Pull n Pray Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 R = Reconciliation EA = Emotional Affair PA = Physical Affair D-Day = Discovery Day Thank you Ralph. I would have never figured that out. Is there a LoveShack abbreviation glossary somewhere for newbies? Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Thank you Ralph. I would have never figured that out. Is there a LoveShack abbreviation glossary somewhere for newbies? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand You're welcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pull n Pray Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Thanks again. Big help. Link to post Share on other sites
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