Letting go of hope

[darkbloom]

Today marks one year since his last text to me. Christmas wasn't painful at all this time around. Not compared to the mess I was last year. I still wanted to tell him about all the gifts I received and I miss our Christmas traditions. It's such a strange place to be in. Shouldn't I have forgotten all about him by now? I feel like because I know it would be more painful to have anything further to do with him that it should be easier to forget.

 

This year has been a whirlwind. In a mostly positive way. I am just ready to be fully over it.

 

Merry Christmas y'all.

[darkbloom]

Hi friends!

 

I've been doing well over here. I don't feel the need to compulsively check LS or write out all of my angst so that's progress.

 

I still don't really understand the dating world. I met this guy on Halloween at a friends party. We really hit it off and talked for the majority of the night. We ended up getting separated towards the end of the night and I did not see him again. Fast forward to today, we were out at the bars celebrating a friend's birthday. He decided to show up when he knew I was there even though we only ended up hanging out for a little bit before everyone decided to leave.

 

As we are leaving, one of the girls in the group starts teasing him about the girl he hooked up with on Halloween. It ended up being one of the girls in this particular group of friends that hooks up with everyone. She's pretty revolting all things considered. I could tell he was embarrassed about everyone knowing about this conquest. But ew. I kinda lost respect for him because she's easy. This particular girl has hooked up with several of my friends and several guys I would NEVER touch.

 

Anyway, he asked if I wanted to hang out more and I declined. He's not even close to on my level.

 

Back to the drawing board.

[darkbloom]

Hello my friends! I am surprised that some of you are still around and reading my updates. And for those that aren't I am happy that they have moved on and that they do not need to post here for advice anymore.

 

Just saw a group picture on instagram that a mutual friend posted with my ex in the back. First time I have looked at a picture and not had a drop in my stomach. Still haven't checked any of his social media or checked up on him. He's been back in town an awful lot. I have heard from our mutual friends that he has been at places we used to frequent. I looked at the picture for a minute and tried to decide if he was happy or not. I can't tell from his expression. Maybe that means I do not know him anymore for real. On the one hand, my ego would feel great if he was unhappy. On the other hand, I hope he found what he was looking for, even if it wasn't me. I don't feel that same panic I used to feel when he was in my city, but I still do not want to run into him. After all, this is basically a small town.

 

I'm worried about myself. I have no desire to date anyone, even though there has been multiple opportunities to put myself out there again. I have started to even accept the idea that maybe that was my one shot and I will probably remain single for a long time. I know this is ridiculous thinking and under normal circumstances I would have some strong words for anyone posting something similar. I don't want to change though and that is what worries me. The lack of desire.

[jen1447]

That's actually one of the phases believe it or not, and it indicates healing. It's a strange sort of complacency really, but in order to feel complacent you have to first be indifferent, and that means you're 'over' him (and the whole saga) in a sense. It's just like you mentioned about panic - there was a long time where seeing him or the thought or fear of seeing him would cause that despair and panic, but that's gone. Ergo you've processed it. Doesn't mean it's all done and better but it does mean the hard work (and the torment lol) is done.

 

I'm sure it seems like an eternity to you but a year is pretty normal IME to get to this point. So congratulations I guess. (Oh and the complacency will eventually be replaced by a new sorta springtime-like spark again one day, probably when you least expect it. Not just wishful thinking - it happens.)

 

Always like hearing your updates.

[Chris2016]

I'm worried about myself. I have no desire to date anyone, even though there has been multiple opportunities to put myself out there again. I have started to even accept the idea that maybe that was my one shot and I will probably remain single for a long time. I know this is ridiculous thinking and under normal circumstances I would have some strong words for anyone posting something similar. I don't want to change though and that is what worries me. The lack of desire.

 

 

Strong words for anyone posting something similar. That's pretty powerful I think.

[DrMario]

Maybe I'm just too sensitive but after a break up from a serious relationship it takes me a long time to recover and be vulnerable with somebody again, I think part of my lack of attraction for other people is a part that lacking vulnerability takes away from me, I was single for over a year in both of my last break ups, I'll most likely be single just as long this time round.

[Itspointless]

Maybe I'm just too sensitive but after a break up from a serious relationship it takes me a long time to recover and be vulnerable with somebody again, I think part of my lack of attraction for other people is a part that lacking vulnerability takes away from me, I was single for over a year in both of my last break ups, I'll most likely be single just as long this time round.

Long? It always takes me a few years. If you are too sensitive then I must be made out of pudding. I also do not fall in love often, but when I do my feelings go deep.

[ExtraSpice]

Long? It always takes me a few years. If you are too sensitive then I must be made out of pudding. I also do not fall in love often, but when I do my feelings go deep.

 

Though it doesn't take me years, it does take me some time. And I tend to fall hard when I do fall in love. Do you think that is a negative thing? I at times feel that it is.

[Itspointless]

Though it doesn't take me years, it does take me some time. And I tend to fall hard when I do fall in love. Do you think that is a negative thing? I at times feel that it is.

That is a hard to answer question as it can have many facets.

 

Negative no, not if you are keeping having healthy boundaries in the relationship. This can be a whole chapter on its own!

 

Hard yes, if you are a sensitive person. I might be mistaken and I am generalizing, but I am tempted to believe that the more sensitive you are the more you experience the highs, not just the lows and the way the other is (dis)connected to you. When I talk to people I often get the sense that their relationships are a bit shallow and instrumental (oftentimes just for convenience). The trouble is when you are paired with such a person, it gives them the opportunity to hurt you deeply. I therefore believe that sensitive people need to try to find sensitive people. Friendships are a different case in that matter, as intimate love is far more emotional than friendship. It also means that you will have less shallow contacts in the intimate sphere and due to that probably will have more alone-time in your life. As a consequence you also probably will work more on yourself than some other people.

[darkbloom]

That is a hard to answer question as it can have many facets.

 

Negative no, not if you are keeping having healthy boundaries in the relationship. This can be a whole chapter on its own!

 

Hard yes, if you are a sensitive person. I might be mistaken and I am generalizing, but I am tempted to believe that the more sensitive you are the more you experience the highs, not just the lows and the way the other is (dis)connected to you. When I talk to people I often get the sense that their relationships are a bit shallow and instrumental (oftentimes just for convenience). The trouble is when you are paired with such a person, it gives them the opportunity to hurt you deeply. I therefore believe that sensitive people need to try to find sensitive people. Friendships are a different case in that matter, as intimate love is far more emotional than friendship. It also means that you will have less shallow contacts in the intimate sphere and due to that probably will have more alone-time in your life. As a consequence you also probably will work more on yourself than some other people.

 

Two sensitive people together though can cause quite the scars. You both know what to say to wound the other person and at the time of breakup and all bets are off.

 

The only consolation is that you know the other person is hurting just as much as you.

[Itspointless]

Two sensitive people together though can cause quite the scars. You both know what to say to wound the other person and at the time of breakup and all bets are off.

 

The only consolation is that you know the other person is hurting just as much as you.

Yes. At the same time, I personally feel that people who are capable of such things do not deserve the term sensitive. If you really are sensitive than hurting another does give you as much pain as the other.

 

I for example never felt any consolation in the though that I could potentially hurt an ex, or get even with people. In some occasions this is I think sometimes perceived as weak by others. But I always have stuck to what I felt was right.

 

I am soo sensitive

[darkbloom]

Yes. At the same time, I personally feel that people who are capable of such things do not deserve the term sensitive. If you really are sensitive than hurting another does give you as much pain as the other.

 

I for example never felt any consolation in the though that I could potentially hurt an ex, or get even with people. In some occasions this is I think sometimes perceived as weak by others. But I always have stuck to what I felt was right.

 

I am soo sensitive

 

In this case, I am sensitive with a hard shell. Not very many people would use that world to describe me until they really know me.

 

My ex was sensitive to a fault. So when he cheated and lied, he KNEW how much that would hurt me. And yet he did it anyway.

 

I feel very justified in the truthful things I said that were probably very hurtful for him to hear. You don't get to basically throw my feelings in the garbage without me telling you how I really feel and your faults and issues. And then me walking away. I knew that would hurt him most so I did. And left it just like that.

[Itspointless]

In this case, I am sensitive with a hard shell. Not very many people would use that world to describe me until they really know me.

That hard shell sometimes is needed, learned behavior to keep standing in our social world. It sometimes also is needed to play some kind of role as long as it does not goes against your moral fiber. It is important though to keep in touch with yourself and not fool yourself. Being in touch with your anger is also good. Feeling anger is something I constantly need to work on. When I was young I often was told it was childish to be angry.

My ex was sensitive to a fault. So when he cheated and lied, he KNEW how much that would hurt me. And yet he did it anyway.

Knowing it is not always the same. In any case it is very immature and egocentrical behaviour by him

I feel very justified in the truthful things I said that were probably very hurtful for him to hear. You don't get to basically throw my feelings in the garbage without me telling you how I really feel and your faults and issues. And then me walking away. I knew that would hurt him most so I did. And left it just like that.

It sounds like you did not hurt him for you. You did hurt him by telling what his actions did to you and what image that gave you of him. People have the right to know how hurtful their actions and behavior are.

[darkbloom]

That hard shell sometimes is needed, learned behavior to keep standing in our social world. It sometimes also is needed to play some kind of role as long as it does not goes against your moral fiber. It is important though to keep in touch with yourself and not fool yourself. Being in touch with your anger is also good. Feeling anger is something I constantly need to work on. When I was young I often was told it was childish to be angry.

 

Knowing it is not always the same. In any case it is very immature and egocentrical behaviour by him

 

It sounds like you did not hurt him for you. You did hurt him by telling what his actions did to you and what image that gave you of him. People have the right to know how hurtful their actions and behavior are.

 

I was always very blunt and honest with him about his issues and the fact that I thought he needed professional help to deal with it.

 

His dad cheated on his mom while she was pregnant with him (I know, right?!) and then his mom divorced him and found someone who treated her way better and was a better dad to him. His dad was in the middle of his second marriage ending when he and I were breaking up. I told him that he's going to end up just like him sad and alone because he and his dad are the same person. He still carries a lot of resentment and anger at his dad for not being there for him as a child and not supporting him financially.

 

I also told him that he lives his life in fear and that's why he stays in a dead end job because he's afraid to do anything else. He's spoiled and entitled and creates his own problems and plays the victim because of it.

 

I also told him that opportunity controls his loyalty and that's something I can never fathom. He has zero real friends because he hangs out with people that are just as spineless as he is.

 

All 100% true and all 100% hurtful.

[Itspointless]

I was always very blunt and honest with him about his issues and the fact that I thought he needed professional help to deal with it. [...] He still carries a lot of resentment and anger at his dad for not being there for him as a child and not supporting him financially. [...] I also told him that opportunity controls his loyalty and that's something I can never fathom.

It indeed seems that he has some old dragons to slay and needs to do psychological work. I have met more people who are so angry with the world that they in the end they have decided to only care about themselves. In a way they repeat their history when people get fed up with them and abandon them. It is sad, but they have to take the first step themselves. You have done your part with giving him the right advise.

[darkbloom]

So....I did something very out of character last night. I was at a friend's birthday party and he brought a friend I have never met before. This was a pretty civilized 'family' party considering the birthday boys parents were there.

 

Anyway, the friend sat next to me most of the night while we drank and played games. He asked me for a ride to his house when I was leaving for the night. When we got to his house, we started making out and he invited me inside. I accepted (still not sure why) and we ended up having sex. I didn't even remember his first name this morning which is probably what I'm most ashamed about. I don't regret any of it just that I'm shocked I did it.

 

Anyway, the guy said he normally only sleeps with a girl when they are official bf/gf (not that I believe that or care really) but he wanted to talk a lot. I don't know if it's just because he's a few years younger than me or what but it kind of threw me a bit. Also, when he would turn over in the middle of the night he would lean over and kiss my forehead. Which I consider a very couply thing to do and not really necessary for what was basically a ons.

 

Also. Sex was painful since its been awhile. I feel like someone has rearranged my insides today.

 

Any thoughts on why I did something pretty much out of my character? I wasn't that drunk. And I wanted to. So maybe it's as simple as that. I'm not sure.

[darkbloom]

Ah. There must be something in the water.

 

I had a dream about him last night. We were at a school with a bunch of people looking at wedding photos and he was watching me from across the auditorium. I wouldn't make eye contact with him. I haven't dreamed about him in over a year.

 

Then today at lunch, my mom was scrolling through fb and out of the corner of my eye I saw a picture of him. I didn't even know he was ever fb friends with my mom. I'm surprised he didn't delete her and she didn't delete him. I only saw it out of the corner of my eye but he was on the phone in the picture. Just a twinge of hurt and a small stomach drop.

 

People still ask me about him all the time. How he's doing and what he's up to. Probably because it's strange for them to think of up as seperate when were a 'together' for so long.

 

Sometimes I feel numb and sometimes I have too many feelings. So weird to care this far down the line but the only way to go is forward. So that's what I'm going to do.