Letting go of hope

[AprilTears]

I thought my ex would text me first. We have broken up several times and gotten back together in the past. He would always break NC first. This time he really messed up and be can't blame me for the last fight that we had. I can't beleive he hasn't come crawling back to my front door apologizing for what a scum bag he turned out to be.

 

I'm not dating anyone either and I think it's for the best. When guys ask me out I just tell them that I'm going through a really hard time and they drop it.

 

Focusing on my health and my fitness has helped a lot. But I still have days where I can't beleive that I'm in this situation. We would text each other all the time. 5000+ texts a month. Some days I will go whole days without texts from anyone.

 

I know he's not right for me but I still miss him. I miss talking to him. I'm still angry at him though.

 

I want to be on the other side of this already. It's so freaking hard.

 

It is the hardest thing ever! The waves of emotions are a nightmare! Feeling good for maybe 5 minutes or more then back to despair.

 

I just want him to realize that he's lost me. Maybe he realizes it and doesn't care. I would'nt know because he never tells me what he is thinking or feeling. I'm really dumb for staying with him because I knew better. But here I am.

 

I'm really scared for the day that reality hits. Really scared. I know I need to get over him and I need to start working toward that tomorrow. I pray I'm strong enough to resist him if he comes back. I also pray that I'm strong enough to make it through each day if he doesn't.

 

My poor heart.

[darkbloom]

It will get better after some time.

 

The only thing that consistently makes me feel better when I am down is thinking about how stuck he is in life. And how he's not really going anywhere. When I miss him, I think about how he is in exactly the same place I left him 3 months ago. I don't want to be pulled down his dark rabbit hole anymore.

 

I'm the only one that can protect my own heart.

[AprilTears]

It will get better after some time.

 

The only thing that consistently makes me feel better when I am down is thinking about how stuck he is in life. And how he's not really going anywhere. When I miss him, I think about how he is in exactly the same place I left him 3 months ago. I don't want to be pulled down his dark rabbit hole anymore.

 

I'm the only one that can protect my own heart.

 

Perfectly stated. My now EX (I guess) is so selfish and has only apologized to me once for something he did. The other times he didn't. He is very much to blame in this last incident but he's put all of it on me. I've apologized and tried numerous times to resolve it but he just won't.

 

In his mind he will never be at fault. He will always be the innocent one. He did the same with his last two relationships. He somehow turned it around to it being their fault. He admits he has issues. I make one mistake and he tells me I'm the one with issues!

 

Yet it's still so very painful to know we are done for good. Today is the first day I will not hear from him or him me since we've known each other. It'll be a struggle for me.

[na49]

I know that once I block my ex's number, and let go of the hope that she'll reach out to me, I will feel better. I just can't get there yet. I want to text her so bad, because I feel like if I just state my case on why we should be together, she'll understand and we would be okay again. I feel like my situation is special even though I know that I'm in the same position as everyone else. The person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with turned out to not be who I thought they were.

 

Not hearing from them anymore sucks. That silence is the worst..

[AprilTears]

I know that once I block my ex's number, and let go of the hope that she'll reach out to me, I will feel better. I just can't get there yet. I want to text her so bad, because I feel like if I just state my case on why we should be together, she'll understand and we would be okay again. I feel like my situation is special even though I know that I'm in the same position as everyone else. The person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with turned out to not be who I thought they were.

 

Not hearing from them anymore sucks. That silence is the worst..

 

The silence is deafening.

[darkbloom]

He's supposed to be here right now and he's not. What do I even do with that.

[darkbloom]

Today has been rough. I've been fighting off being sick for the last week but it all caught up with me today. I woke up very ill. I was supposed to have brunch plans but didn't really feel up to going. No one has texted me all day or responded to my texts. It is making me feel paranoid. I am having a low moment and no one is there to talk me off my ledge. I've been trying to distract myself from my loneliness with books, music, movies, naps. etc. It works for a little bit but I eventually wander back to him. I wanted to text him last night. Thank God I lost both of his phone numbers. That would have set me so far back.

 

I know I am rambling but LS is the only thing that makes me feel connected and sane to people who are going through exactly what I am going through. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. I hope this illness goes away so I can get back to the gym and keep kicking ass with my healing.

 

The one positive thing that I try to focus on is that if we were still communicating, nothing he would say would make me feel better. I would still come home at night and feel disappointed and wanting more from him. That's why its best that he has stuck to NC when he has never been able to before. Maybe he know that there's nothing he can say to me. I know I have nothing to say to him.

 

I will stop rambling now.

[AprilTears]

Today has been rough. I've been fighting off being sick for the last week but it all caught up with me today. I woke up very ill. I was supposed to have brunch plans but didn't really feel up to going. No one has texted me all day or responded to my texts. It is making me feel paranoid. I am having a low moment and no one is there to talk me off my ledge. I've been trying to distract myself from my loneliness with books, music, movies, naps. etc. It works for a little bit but I eventually wander back to him. I wanted to text him last night. Thank God I lost both of his phone numbers. That would have set me so far back.

 

I know I am rambling but LS is the only thing that makes me feel connected and sane to people who are going through exactly what I am going through. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. I hope this illness goes away so I can get back to the gym and keep kicking ass with my healing.

 

The one positive thing that I try to focus on is that if we were still communicating, nothing he would say would make me feel better. I would still come home at night and feel disappointed and wanting more from him. That's why its best that he has stuck to NC when he has never been able to before. Maybe he know that there's nothing he can say to me. I know I have nothing to say to him.

 

I will stop rambling now.

 

Keep reading that bolded part that you wrote. Read it often.

[darkbloom]

I know. I went home disappointed for an entire year. I allowed myself to settle for less. Because I am an idiot. I always left disappointed. But sometimes he would surprise me. And it would fill up my hope meter only to be slammed back down again.

 

 

I should have picked up on the signs too. And not ignored my gut feeling about a lot of it. I made his last birthday special. I bought him a nice watch. I took him to dinner. And he kept saying over and over that he did not deserve it and that he hated birthdays and that I shouldn't have done it. (He was cheating at this point.) I thought he was just being modest and insecure about the whole thing. He felt guilty, even then. I did not find out until a year later that it was going. The lying bothers me more than the cheating. He knows how I feel about lying. And he lied about everything. Who is to say the entire relationship wasn't a lie? AHHHH. I have to stop this obsessive thinking.

 

 

I should feel good about myself. I never intentionally lied to him. I never cheated. I always made his needs a priority. I tried to help him with everything. I was there when he needed me. I was upfront with my feelings and my needs. When we first broke up, he wanted to be friends. I told him I could not do that. He was the selfish one that continued it because he said he couldn't live without me in his life. I am not perfect. I know that. But I feel like he will come crawling back soon because I am the best thing that happened in his life. He doesn't have anyone else. All of his other friends and fake and superficial. I always told him the truth, even if that is not what he wanted to hear.

 

 

Ah. It is raining today. And bringing down my mood. I feel better than yesterday, but not by much.

[darkbloom]

I just miss him today. No anger. No sadness. Just miss him. Weird feeling.

 

 

I can't remember him ever saying he missed me in the relationship when we were apart. I for sure said it after time apart.

 

 

Strange the things you remember.

[darkbloom]

Here is an update on my coping. It has been 4 months post BU and somewhere near 100 days NC. I am not keeping count exactly anymore but I know I thought I would never make it this far.

 

I have been doing relatively well. I do not think about him all the time, just occasionally here and there. Except for today.

 

I woke up from a bad dream this morning and it has been obsessive since then. I feel almost as frantic today as I did post BU. I got to work early today and I stayed late. I made myself a huge to do list and threw myself at work. It distracted me for a little bit. I know this too shall pass. I know I have made enormous strides in my healing. I just am feeling that frantic scramble to fix things. Instead of doing something I will deeply regret, I will post my list of all of the reasons I am doing NC:

 

1. The relationship was broken. It had been broken for a long time and we were still trying to force two sides of a puzzle that did not fit together. It should have been over after the first breakup.

2. He lied. He lied about small things and big things. I deserve someone who can be honest with me. Even when it becomes difficult and even if that means admitting things you never wanted anyone to know.

3. He cheated. He cheated because of something dark inside himself. The cheating had nothing to do with me. There was nothing I could have done to change the situation or make him not do it.

4. Even when we were together, my anxiety was always high. I now can see that the anxiety I felt in our relationship was from him. I was always afraid he was going to break up with me again. This anxiety got projected onto my work and onto myself. I questioned myself and my decisions when I have always been so certain in my choices.

5. He was delusional. He stayed with a job that was not going anywhere because he was afraid. He justified and made excuses for it. He was comfortable and scared and he stayed in the same place while I moved lightyears beyond him.

6. He was not in love with me anymore.

7. He blamed me for his cheating and lying. He even said 'I'm sorry' but did nothing to show it.

8. He has not contacted me. If he had anything to say, he would have reached out and said it by now. He broke up with me. Contacting him would be asking to be used as his doormat again.

 

 

I know I am so much better off without him. I know. My f-cking heart needs to pick up the pace and stop this nonsense. I do not want to have anymore dreams about him. I do not want to hurt over this anymore and I want to spend this energy missing him on something new.

 

Every night before bed, I say a prayer that I will be able to let him go. I pray for him to find happiness and to be at peace. I ask for the same thing for myself. I want to move past the bitterness and to just let go.

 

Thank you LS for being my outlet for my pent up obsessive energy. I probably would have broken NC without the help and support of this site. Words of encouragement tonight would be most appreciated.

 

xoxo,

 

db

[BlackbirdSong]

You're a hell of a lot stronger than I am. That's for sure. Congrats on 100+ days NC and all the success you have with your career. You're a superhero on LS.

[darkbloom]

You're a hell of a lot stronger than I am. That's for sure. Congrats on 100+ days NC and all the success you have with your career. You're a superhero on LS.

 

The strength comes from breaking NC after the first breakup. There is nothing worse then getting back into something that you acknowledged was broken. And then the insanity of breaking NC again for a second time and getting back together for a third go-around the emotionally f-cked up roller coaster. I have to be strong because I have used up all of my stupidity.

 

I wish I would have know about LS when I cried/begged/pleaded after the first break up. Even thinking about myself participating in those shameful activities makes me want to die.

[darkbloom]

Today is:

 

Earth Day.

4 months NC.

Our anniversary.

 

I feel:

 

Better than expected.

 

 

Last week was rough for me. I have been keeping busy for the most part. I do not stay at home and wallow and I have not had any urges to break NC. In full disclosure, my ego still wants him to reach out to me to apologize. I realize that it's a stretch and I will most likely never hear from him again. I have given up the hope of getting back together so that is good.

 

The pain is just a dull ache when I think about it. I still think about him more than is healthy. I at least have sometimes where I forget about him for a little while.

 

I am not ready to date anyone, but I would probably feel better if I had someone new to obsess over. Not going to get someone else's feelings involved though. I already have too many.

[dvx]

Today is:

 

Earth Day.

4 months NC.

Our anniversary.

 

I feel:

 

Better than expected.

 

 

Last week was rough for me. I have been keeping busy for the most part. I do not stay at home and wallow and I have not had any urges to break NC. In full disclosure, my ego still wants him to reach out to me to apologize. I realize that it's a stretch and I will most likely never hear from him again. I have given up the hope of getting back together so that is good.

 

The pain is just a dull ache when I think about it. I still think about him more than is healthy. I at least have sometimes where I forget about him for a little while.

 

I am not ready to date anyone, but I would probably feel better if I had someone new to obsess over. Not going to get someone else's feelings involved though. I already have too many.

Congrats on 4 months, strong achievement. You sound like a special woman by not even being ready to date after that amount of time.

I wish my exes were more like you. Oh well. Would you ever consider or even feel ready enough to actually contact him in some way in this life time?

[darkbloom]

Congrats on 4 months, strong achievement. You sound like a special woman by not even being ready to date after that amount of time.

I wish my exes were more like you. Oh well. Would you ever consider or even feel ready enough to actually contact him in some way in this life time?

 

I wouldn't feel right dragging someone into my mess of feelings. Although it would be the easiest route to get over him, I just can't do that.

 

I don't know if I would be able to reach out to him. There was so much hurt and mistakes and lies from his end that would prevent me from trying to break no contact. He would have to be deeply remorseful and would have to get in contact with me. I feel like me getting into contact with him proves that I am a doormat and that his treatment of me was acceptable.

 

I just reached out to apologize to the ex before this one. (I was intoxicated). We haven't spoken in 6 years. He just left one day without saying anything to me and never returned any of my calls or texts. I think I did something to hurt him but we never dealt with the issues. It just fizzled and died. I have no feelings good or bad for him so I did not care if he responded or not. He did respond and apologized as well. He shows no signs of wanting a friendship with me or of ever contacting me again.

 

I want to be at that point with this ex. I want to not care about him and not think about him. The only good thing I have going is that I will NOT break NC. No matter how much I want to or how many lame excuses I try to make. It WILL set me back. I am not in any place to contemplate poking that bear. I am emotionally fragile and I admit that in this forum. If you ever met me in real life, you would have no idea how much I struggle with this. I don't show this side of myself to anyone.

[SLee]

I have good hours and bad hours. The mornings are the worst. Waking up thinking everything is fine for one happy moment, and then realizing it's not is the most heart crushing thing for me right now. Especially since, as corny as this sounds but it's the truth, that I often have really vivid dreams that he's in. Sometimes I carry on fine, other times I'm a wreck.

 

Writing a lot of poetry, having lots of heart-to-hearts with friends and family and being so grateful for them and feeling the love there, I'm also deep into rehearsals for a play so I'm focussing on my theatrical work and bonding really well with cast and crew and being less shy, even if it's just so I have someone to talk to. That's the biggest help right now. But yeah, sometimes coping well, other times not well at all.

[casey.lives]

sometimes it's good to be hopeless about a certain things or people. Some experiences are too unbearable, especially for the most faint of heart.

[darkbloom]

I thought I would do a quick update on my progress. The 22nd of this month will mark 5 months NC. I have come so far from the person I was in that time and even more so from a year ago. The changes have been for the better and have ultimately made me stronger. There now seems to be more good days than bad days and I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is attainable.

 

I finally let go of a bunch of stuff I have been holding on to. I threw out all of the lingerie that I had accumulated over my time with him. There is no way I can ever wear it again when I bought it with him in mind.

 

I passed his old apartment building today. I can see his balcony and where we used to sit in the morning time. For some reason, I do not feel like I have to avoid it anymore. He doesn't live there, only the memories do.

 

I haven't dated anyone. Being out of the game for so long has made me feel far behind my peers. I reached out to an ex from 6 years ago to apologize. He never officially broke up with me, just stopped calling me back or answering any form of communication from me. There was never any reasoning or conversation from him about what happened. He accepted my apology and apologized for how he handled everything. Still no reason from him but I am glad that I feel indifferent to him. My feelings for him were never on par with the most recent ex, but I now realize that he did NC for his own healing. (And so necessary if one person feels more for the other person. In this case, I think he loved me but knew that I did not feel the same.)

 

I have a friend that is celebrating 10 years with her boyfriend. They have been dating since she was 15 and he was 16. She has never experienced true heartbreak or doing anything on her own. There is not a lot of good that comes from a breakup, but I can say that independence is one of them. And understanding. I feel sorry for her. Who would have thought?

 

How are you all coping today?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I have a friend that is celebrating 10 years with her boyfriend. They have been dating since she was 15 and he was 16. She has never experienced true heartbreak or doing anything on her own. There is not a lot of good that comes from a breakup, but I can say that independence is one of them. And understanding. I feel sorry for her. Who would have thought?

 

 

Why do you feel sorry for her? She may not be experiencing independence in a way that is comparable to your experiences, but that doesn't mean she doesn't experience it at all. People's lives and relationships are like Schrodinger's Cat, you never know and cannot fully empathize unless you are them.

 

I'm torn on this thought process though. I do feel like people that haven't experienced heartbreak are missing out on life experiences. But, at the same time I envy those who don't experience it. I wouldn't wish that sort of pain on anyone... I also wonder if not everyone is capable of experiencing it.

[darkbloom]

Why do you feel sorry for her? She may not be experiencing independence in a way that is comparable to your experiences, but that doesn't mean she doesn't experience it at all. People's lives and relationships are like Schrodinger's Cat, you never know and cannot fully empathize unless you are them.

 

I'm torn on this thought process though. I do feel like people that haven't experienced heartbreak are missing out on life experiences. But, at the same time I envy those who don't experience it. I wouldn't wish that sort of pain on anyone... I also wonder if not everyone is capable of experiencing it.

 

I don't think that either of us would wish heartbreak on anybody. However, there are valuable lessons that can be learned from it that I think she needs. I've known her about 6 years now. She has never lived financially independent from her parents or her bf. She will post pictures of her and her boyfriend that say "it's okay to be jealous of us, everyone is." I am not jealous of her relationship nor would I ever want to still be dating the person I was at 15. She has changed and grown up but I can say the relationship has held her back. Empathy is something she doesn't really understand. Her boyfriend would never leave her. Even when she's selfish and terrible to him. They use their relationship as some sort of weird status symbol over everyone else.

 

My breakup while terribe and painful was a blessing. It has made me more understanding and thoughtful. Something my friend really needs.

[darkbloom]

I went on a date last night. The guy I went with suggested one of your favorite resturants. The last time I had eaten there was with you. Your dad took us for Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't even miss you that much. He ordered the same thing that you always did but insisted we order seperate desserts. Something you would never allow.

 

 

He took me to the theater next door to the resturant. It's weird holding someone else's hand in the same movie theater I shared with you. It didn't feel like it did with you. I kept looking at our entertwined hands and I didn't feel anything. Not one single shred of what I felt when you picked up my hand. But still, I can't have your hand or your mind anywhere near mine.

 

Six months and you're still gone.

[na49]

I think you will always compare new people to your ex because he was your most recent boyfriend. If you are going to the same places that you used to go with him, then that's pretty normal too. I don't think you cared much for this new fella, but at least you are out there again. If this guy wasn't the one to make you "forget" him, then maybe the next one will be.

 

You're one of the strongest people here, keep up the good work!

[DJOkawari]

Hey darkbloom, you seem like a really amazing person. I think the amount of NC you've done is commendable but, the impressive thing to me is your positive attitude through all of this. I have a question for you. I'm at a little past 60 days NC and I saw one of your posts that happened before I joined here, when you reached around 60 days NC (around feb 22):

 

My biggest aha moment was when I thought about all of the great things he has missed out in my life:

 

-I am in the best shape of my life. I was a size 10 at the start of the relationship and a size 4 now. All of my clothes are too big and that is exciting. I get to shop for new things and donate all of those old clothes and old memories.

-I have always been active, but I have literally been doing a new activity every week. I have learned salsa dancing, hot yoga, and am doing a kick boxing class next month. Stuff that he would never have done with me or supported me doing.

-My job is going better than ever. I am looking at a promotion in the next 6 months and I make very good money.

-Not being in a relationship has forced me to make all kinds of new friends. I am focusing my energy on being a better friend and cultivating those relationships.

-I have two vacations booked for this year with friends and couldn't be more excited.

 

I then looked at his life as though I was an outside observer. And I realized that he is not going anywhere. He is literally stuck and knowing our mutual friends has probably heard stories of how amazing I am doing and how awesome I look. Why would I want to invite that back into my life to drag me down?

 

I miss him still but everyday gets a little easier.

 

This is exactly where I am...at about the same amount of NC. Minus the Ex being stuck thing, I don't really know what she's up to, but I don't think she's stuck. On the other hand, her appearance has degraded a lot so I guess I have something to relate to you on there too.

 

I related to this post on: best physical condition, new activities, old activities coming back, new friends, planned vacations...but I still miss her. How did you enjoy your life at that point? I'm really struggling with that. Maybe I'm just being a pessimist but I really feel that I've done so many things, I've been NC for so long, my life has undoubtedly improved, I've even found that I appreciate the break up for what I've learned...so why, why do I still miss her so much? What can I do for some peace?

 

What else is there to do? This is the point I've been aiming to reach right? I'd ask you "what kept you going?" but...I can understand that, that time passes regardless. I won't break NC so I'll reach 100+ days too. I just don't feel much better even though I'm doing much better. How did you deal with this?

[fireflywy]

Hey darkbloom, you seem like a really amazing person. I think the amount of NC you've done is commendable but, the impressive thing to me is your positive attitude through all of this. I have a question for you. I'm at a little past 60 days NC and I saw one of your posts that happened before I joined here, when you reached around 60 days NC (around feb 22):

 

 

 

This is exactly where I am...at about the same amount of NC. Minus the Ex being stuck thing, I don't really know what she's up to, but I don't think she's stuck. On the other hand, her appearance has degraded a lot so I guess I have something to relate to you on there too.

 

I related to this post on: best physical condition, new activities, old activities coming back, new friends, planned vacations...but I still miss her. How did you enjoy your life at that point? I'm really struggling with that. Maybe I'm just being a pessimist but I really feel that I've done so many things, I've been NC for so long, my life has undoubtedly improved, I've even found that I appreciate the break up for what I've learned...so why, why do I still miss her so much? What can I do for some peace?

 

What else is there to do? This is the point I've been aiming to reach right? I'd ask you "what kept you going?" but...I can understand that, that time passes regardless. I won't break NC so I'll reach 100+ days too. I just don't feel much better even though I'm doing much better. How did you deal with this?

 

You still have progress though and that's a great thing to have.

 

I'm the one who is stuck unfortunately. It sucks.