Continue No Contact?

[Ralph79]

I understand what your saying BUT at the same time i think my daughter and I deserve for him to say he is sorry, for him to care that he destroyed his chance of being a family, for him to you know have the normal feelings you should have when a relationship ends! As i said i know it sounds awful but he has put us through it all so why shouldn't he have to go through it to.

 

You daughter is 18 months old (I believe), incapable of understanding an apology. This is something you want for yourself. Don't use your daughter as an excuse. And that man didn't destroy your chance to have a happy family. You can marry someone better. Your daughter can still have a good father in her life. You can and should start making the right choices. Beginning with leaving behind those feelings of anger for your ex.

 

What good would will an apology from him do at this point, other than an ego boost? The price you are paying by allowing that negative energy to envelop you, is not worth whatever benefit his apology you think might bring you. It's simply not worth it.

 

Stupid analogy but, it's as if Batman started getting frustrated because no matter how much he beats the Joker down, the clown keeps laughing and feels no pain.

[ally2015]

You daughter is 18 months old (I believe), incapable of understanding an apology. This is something you want for yourself. Don't use your daughter as an excuse.

i know she doesnt understand BUT she still deserves one. I know she doeant know what is happening but i do for her and we both deserve him to care what he has done and be sorry for putting us through it!

 

 

And that man didn't destroy your chance to have a happy family. You can marry someone better. Your daughter can still have a good father in her life. You can and should start making the right choices. Beginning with leaving behind those feelings of anger for your ex.

 

I meant that he destroyed this family .. the 3 of us. Mum, dad and child. Yes i know i can find someone else but im saying my daughters actual family he took that away. Im trying to let it go BUT i think its normal for me wanting him to care! At some point.

 

What good would will an apology from him do at this point, other than an ego boost? The price you are paying by allowing that negative energy to envelop you, is not worth whatever benefit his apology you think might bring you. It's simply not worth it.

 

an apology doesn't change anything for me... for me it will be knowing that he understands what HE has done to me, our cchildand our family. Kind of a take responsibility for your actions as it has all been blamed on me. He hasnt dealt with anything at all... clearly shown in his actions. I just am frustrated that he has caused all of this damage and doesnt even care?

 

Stupid analogy but, it's as if Batman started getting frustrated because no matter how much he beats the Joker down, the clown keeps laughing and feels no pain.

 

I understand what your saying but i also feel that we deserve his emotional break down.

[Ralph79]

I understand what your saying but i also feel that we deserve his emotional break down.

 

What if it never comes? Are you going to let that bitterness reside with in you until he does break down?

 

Are you going to make it your life's goal to make him have that break down?

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. I completely agree with you that it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are doing. That doesn't make it necessarily healthy.

 

I've read about other posters on these forums who feel like their world has crumbled apart because they have discovered that they're partners have cheated on them. I can sense their despair in their writings. I've never sensed any despair from you. Only wishful thinking at first. However now it seems your feelings are in check , I'm just hoping that we didn't all push you a little bit too much towards the anger side.

[Hope Shimmers]

My ex-wife confessed years later that she aborted the only child we ever expected. She refused to entertain the idea of a baby after the "miscarriage" because she didn't want to have an ugly baby. That she would only consider it by going to a sperm bank or if I was willing, her ex-BF. I never considered myself ugly and have had women called me handsome, but she was really model-level beautiful (on the outside).

 

She would humiliate me by detailing how much more satisfying her exBF was in bed, and get flustered in the process. She would ask me in bed to mimic her exBF's style.

 

But she would sometimes wake up crying at night, asking for forgiveness for doing these things to me, begging me to not let her ruin our marriage because she loved me, she loved us as a couple. She said "I'm f.... crazy and I don't want to be this way anymore. I'm afraid of what I'm going to do tomorrow, or the next day, or the next..." . I would always tell her I would never give up on her, and that I would be there for her the rest of my life. I told her stuff like: "I am your husband after all you know. The 'in sickness and in health stuff' weren't just words. They were a promise I will keep for the rest of my life.

 

After leaving me to be with her exBF for 3 months she came back pleading and begging me to give her a chance to be the wife I deserved. I figured she had finally learned to appreciate me, and I let her back without her having to even sweat it. Things were incredible for a couple of months and then my father passed away. Upon learning that I renounced my part of the inheritance so that my mom would get 100% of it, she said "we need to talk". After going to a marriage counselor, she confessed to us that the only reason she came back was because her brother had been physically violent with her at her house and that I was her only escape. That she couldn't risk rejection on my part , so she figured she needed to convince me that she was in love with me. She said that the counseling sessions helped realized she had a BPD issue that she was able to fix thanks to 5 pages she read from a book the counselor suggested and that she was ready to give her xBF a real shot at the relationship he deserved.

 

She left me again to "find herself", and told me she needed time to see if she still wanted to be married. That she would let me know in 4-5 months. I filed for a divorce pretty much immediately after she said this.

 

I'll be honest. Had she cancelled it prior to the 6 months required for the divorce to be finalized I STILL would've given her another chance. But she didn't.

 

She has emailed me a few times after the divorce, but these days I just automatically erase the emails without even reading them since I have no ties to this woman anymore.

 

And I left the traumatizing experience out to keep this thread decent.

 

My point is, when someone has disrespected us to the degree these people have, rarely do they ever treat us decently ever again.

 

What these people have done to us is cruel. What we have done to ourselves is worse.

 

And your husband is not acting like a child. He's acting like an A..H..le. My wife was 10 years younger than I was. I always justified her actions because of her immaturity. I was wrong. And you probably are too.

 

OMG!!!!

 

OMG. I'm speechless. What a horrible experience. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that. You are way too good for her. I don't even know what to say. And she aborted your only child?!!?

 

I am crying for you.

[ally2015]

What if it never comes? Are you going to let that bitterness reside with in you until he does break down?

 

He is actually a really emotional guy... well he was. with his gf before me they were together 6 months and when it ended he got really depressed to the point of suicide and he didnt even love her! Then he was single for 2 years after that before he met me? So id like to think that he would have to have some pretty strong emotions losing his fiance and child? There has yet to be any kind of emotion shown...that to me shows something isnt right!

 

Are you going to make it your life's goal to make him have that break down?

 

Of course not... but thats all i am hoping for... im not hoping for him to be in our family anymore... i just want him to care and realise what he has lost in the process. I am moving forward in life and have come so far thanks to this forum and your advice but i still want to see that he cares about what he has done.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. I completely agree with you that it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are doing. That doesn't make it necessarily healthy.

 

Most likely not but i think it is more productive to have the attitude that i want him to try come back simply so i can say no. rather then i want him to come back so we can be a happy family? so for me its a step forward and maybe as more time goes by ill move on to not caring at all... more then likely when i get to that point i will get the im sorry that i wanted but by then it will be meaningless?

 

I've read about other posters on these forums who feel like their world has crumbled apart because they have discovered that they're partners have cheated on them. I can sense their despair in their writings. I've never sensed any despair from you. Only wishful thinking at first. However now it seems your feelings are in check , I'm just hoping that we didn't all push you a little bit too much towards the anger side.

 

My world was turned upside down 100% as i was blindsided by him and none of it made sense... still doesnt. but as ive been told no point trying to find the logic when there is none... he has no idea what he is doing... he has a lot of issues going on and just living in his own fantasy world, not caring about anyone other then himself but how long will that last.

 

I think a positive for me was that i was already over the relationship... as i tried to leave literally 3 weeks before he did because i was sick of basically forcing him to spend time with his child and me. But he broke down then so i said id give it another go... things were good for the 3 weeks then BAMM he hit me with this s***! So i think the fact that i wasnt madly in love with him in the moment of this happening it has made it a little easier. but my devestation is for my child... yes she is young so i feel the hurt for her... her dad has abandoned her, has been awful to her mum and is treating us both with disrespect.

 

I dont even know how i really feel about it all.... i know what he is doing now like the drugs and this disgusting older woman and it appears other girls on the side... i guess what i struggle is why? looking at his currently lifestyle... what is appealing about it? why give up your family for that? i guess i will never know... i just still feel like im stuck... im focusing on myself and my child but like things need to change! we have a child... he cant just continue to avoid and ignore everything. its frustrating, if he doesnt want his child then things can be done... i just want to know! I know that i just have to continue with the no contact on my behalf and keep planning a future for my child and myself and basically wait for him to do something...

[Ralph79]

OMG!!!!

 

OMG. I'm speechless. What a horrible experience. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that. You are way too good for her. I don't even know what to say. And she aborted your only child?!!?

 

I am crying for you.

 

Well, at first I had simply believed my ex-wife said that to provoke a fight. I confirmed it later. I dropped her off at her parents house in her hometown for the last time, then I confronted her mother and suggested that her daughter continue seeing a therapist. I said that she had gone through so much unresolved trauma growing up, that she's going to suffer if she doesn't continue getting help. Her Mom nodded in agreement.

 

I said "One day she loves me, the next she despises me, she even claims that you supported her decision to get an abortion". Her mom said "I did. She said she was going to kill herself, because she couldn't bear the thought if having that child of yours inside of her. I was the one who suggested she do it to save her".

 

That's when everything fell into place. Every action suddenly made sense. I just resisted the temptation to scream and walked away. Drove back home crying for hours.

 

I don't care what happens to them anymore. I don't hate them. I just simply want to forget. I can't pretend it didn't happen, but nothing good can come from interacting with her or her relatives so I removed myself completely from her life. Which is what I'm suggesting the OP do.

 

I could say I deserve to see her suffer and apologize and realize how good she had it. But ultimately she wasn't happy with me. I know she'll find someone someday she was meant to be with. That person wasn't me. And I don't plan on wasting a second of my life wondering what's become of her anymore.

 

P.S.: You are always more than welcome to send a private message in the future to avoid veering off the OP's thread. I simply shared this to help her see a point. And Thanks for the sentiment. It was really a really painful and difficult moment in my life.

[Ralph79]

i think it is more productive to have the attitude that i want him to try come back simply so i can say no. rather then i want him to come back so we can be a happy family? so for me its a step forward and maybe as more time goes by ill move on to not caring at all...

 

If you truly believe this, then you are on the right track. I know it's too much to ask of you, to get over him so quickly, but don't be like him. He needs others to survive. He can't on his own. That's really sad and pathetic. It makes me recall a saying. He's like a vine who clings to others to support himself. He needs to put down some roots so that he may one day be able to stand for himself. That takes time and patience. I think you have strong roots. That's why he clung on to you. Just keep growing, and stop worrying about that withering vine.

[ally2015]

If you truly believe this, then you are on the right track. I know it's too much to ask of you, to get over him so quickly, but don't be like him. He needs others to survive. He can't on his own. That's really sad and pathetic. It makes me recall a saying. He's like a vine who clings to others to support himself. He needs to put down some roots so that he may one day be able to stand for himself. That takes time and patience. I think you have strong roots. That's why he clung on to you. Just keep growing, and stop worrying about that withering vine.

 

Very true... today is just a bad day for me... im literally sitting here crying! Im sad for him... is that ridiculous? He is off living his life with this disgusting older women missing out on his child.... like what the hell! I miss him being apart of our family and thinking back on the memories we had so many happy times... i just dont get how he can leave us for that? I agree it is pathetic, everything he has done is pathetic... i hate that i can take the situation for what it is in my head but my heart still makes me so upset! I REALLY want to let it all go.... i am trying... but my gut feeling is that he will be back and its not over! I want to get to the point where i feel nothing... because i know that if he comes back like everyone has said and i still have the feelings that there will be an opportunity for him to suck me back in... and i dont want that because he more then likely will not be genuine and i deserve better then that and so does my daughter. i just dont know what else to do... WHY do i miss him, WHY do i still love him! Well not who he is now but who he was when he was with us

[Ralph79]

WHY do i miss him, WHY do i still love him! Well not who he is now but who he was when he was with us

 

Human Nature. Watch this 2 min. clip and ignore the bad acting. The actual message is very enlightening.

 

Science of Love: Heartbreak Video - History of Valentine?s Day - HISTORY.com

 

You can't help it.

 

And I can attest to it. The memories of losing my ex-wife which felt like a life threatening tragedy at first, over time ended up feeling like a nuisance. You just have to give your body time to stop messing with your brain.

 

And that's what we're here for. To get you through until that time comes.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks Ralph79. I do have a comment about something you said but I'll use PM.

 

I apologize OP for veering off track. I do hope you listen to the terrific advice you are receiving on this thread. Good luck to you -

[ally2015]

Human Nature. Watch this 2 min. clip and ignore the bad acting. The actual message is very enlightening.

 

Wow that acting was AMAZING haha! Yeah it has a good message... i guess my issue is... why doesn't he feel like that? He has lost so much yet doesn't care? He has lost me, his child, the future we had planned.... soooo wouldn't a normal person be even a little bit upset about that? I just find it odd.... well as i have been told by a therapist... people that walk away from there family like this either have a very good reason OR have some serious issues. Because it isnt a decision that is taken lightly and when it has been taken lightly that sends alarm bells that something is mentally not right. Because people may hate the expartner but they dont give up on the kids... he has abandoned us both... with no explanation, no feeling, no nothing.

 

 

And I can attest to it. The memories of losing my ex-wife which felt like a life threatening tragedy at first, over time ended up feeling like a nuisance. You just have to give your body time to stop messing with your brain.

 

Mmm... it is so hard though when you have a child with the person you are trying to move on for because ultimately i know that i cant just go no contact forever or move away... because of the child i know he will be in my life for the rest of my life and because she is young... i literally have to be the one to deal with him for her. Like if i didnt have my daughter, i would have never wanted him back... i would have just went no contact and leave it at that. BUT the pull of family is so strong and i feel like i owed it to my daughter to give it a go to try give her the family... but now i realise... that if this is who he is and is capable of... my daughter not having him in her life is for the best... of course wanting my family together is ideal but not when he can treat us like this... we deserve better. I owe my daughter a happy life full of love and stability... I can give her all of those things and i am doing it already! its just hard when everything that i had in my mind for the future is now gone and i have to start from scratch basically and it is a little scary because basically her dad is a loose canon... who knows when he may come smashing back into our life or attempt to.... and when i dont allow him to i am a little worried at what he may do....

 

And that's what we're here for. To get you through until that time comes.

 

I appreciate this forum so much! I am sure i will be needed at a lot of help ive been going so good.. seeing him with that much much much older woman yesterday actually made me feel good about myself! Like he left me for that... they are both pathetic and without even knowing her i know i am a much better person... because what decent person would go to an AVO hearing with a guy they bearly know where the ex would be there...? honestly.. i am sure she would have only been there for my benefit... thinking it would make me jealous? It has actually done the opposite, it makes them look pathetic and its not like she isnt anything great so if anything she would be jealous of me...? Who cares... lol yuck. And my ex is a kid... like he likes video games, cartoons, inappropriate jokes, acting like an idiot, laid backed, lazy... what the hell would they have in common? Nothing. But you know what i think she would be doing everything for him, making him feel good about himself and i guess thats what he needs because he isnt dealing with the end of this relationship and is continuing to abandon his child... he has issues and everything will begin to unravel and he will have to deal with this... you cant run from your emotions forever AND as i said before we will be in each others lives for the rest of our lives.

[Ralph79]

i guess my issue is... why doesn't he feel like that? He has lost so much yet doesn't care? He has lost me, his child, the future we had planned.... soooo wouldn't a normal person be even a little bit upset about that?

 

I think you inadvertently answered your own question. It's just a matter of giving you time for your heart to give your brain some room to process it.

[ally2015]

I think you inadvertently answered your own question. It's just a matter of giving you time for your heart to give your brain some room to process it.

 

So what he isn't normal? Today is awful! I have been sooooo good for weeks! And today i am not coping... i am crying at like nothing... in public! What the hell! Knowing my whole situation... what should i be doing..?

[Ralph79]

So what he isn't normal? Today is awful! I have been sooooo good for weeks! And today i am not coping... i am crying at like nothing... in public! What the hell! Knowing my whole situation... what should i be doing..?

 

Putting myself in your shoes, knowing I didn't marry my ex-fiancee who is doing drugs, swapping 19 and 40ish year old partners, and lying to everyone about everything because he fails to take accountability for being a violent reckless individual who faces possible jail time...

 

I'd be doing this:

 

[ally2015]

Putting myself in your shoes, knowing I didn't marry my ex-fiancee who is doing drugs, swapping 19 and 40ish year old partners, and lying to everyone about everything because he fails to take accountability for being a violent reckless individual who faces possible jail time...

 

I'd be doing this:

 

 

Hahahaha... yay you made me smile for the 1st time today Sorry today is just been awful for me... weeks of being so good have crashed down today!

 

i know youve been pretty much saying ive dodged a bullet and move on... but we have a child.... its not that simple... because i know that i will have to speak to him at some point about our child...so NC cant last forever and we will have to learn how to co-parent... and as you have said he WILL try to come back and because i will say no who knows how that will go down...

 

Do you think the best course of action is to just continue with the NC, making plans for my daughter and myself, exercising, going out, moving out, moving forward? And when he starts making contact just continue the NC unless it is about our child? I am just a bit stressed out that i will have goals for myself and my child and will be achieving them and thats when he will try to come back into her life or mine.. causing chaos.

Edited February 27, 2015 by ally2015

[Ralph79]

i know youve been pretty much saying ive dodged a bullet and move on... but we have a child.... its not that simple... because i know that i will have to speak to him at some point about our child...so NC cant last forever and we will have to learn how to co-parent... and as you have said he WILL try to come back and because i will say no who knows how that will go down...

 

You make it sound like you're destined to be a single parent the rest of your life. Just as we all know he'll come back, we also know you will find someone worthy of being your Husband and a true Father to your Daughter. He has NO RIGHT to force himself into your life if you won't permit it.

 

Don't worry about what he might do when you say No. Here's some advice I learned over the years: When you worry about a certain outcome... everything, your thoughts, your energy, your subconscious, your routine... EVERYTHING will push fate towards that outcome. He might see fear, or uncertainty in your eyes when you tell him No, and he might react a certain way.

 

Be prepared but think positive. Think "best case scenario", and keep that mentality alive always. And positive things will come. If he sees you project a sense of certainty and finality when you tell him no... if you're body language says "it's no big deal", then it's very likely he won't make it one.

 

It's really up to you.

 

You know what's silly? We think that the love we feel for someone is something out of our control. But out of all things we do in life... shoot a basketball into a hoop, predict a coin flip outcome, predict the weather, get a raise at our job... the only thing that is always truly under our control is our own feelings. IF we learn to not let them control us.

[ally2015]

You make it sound like you're destined to be a single parent the rest of your life. Just as we all know he'll come back, we also know you will find someone worthy of being your Husband and a true Father to your Daughter. He has NO RIGHT to force himself into your life if you won't permit it.

 

I cant even begin to process having another man in my life because the future in my head is still with him in it haha i am slowly but surely removing him from that imagine as i figure out whats the new plan for me and my daughter. But i don't think i am destined to be alone... i just have a very strong feeling he is going to make things VERY hard for me when i do find someone else. He can force his way into our childs life though which ultimately means into my life as well... but ill just have to stick to my boundaries.

 

Be prepared but think positive. Think "best case scenario", and keep that mentality alive always. And positive things will come. If he sees you project a sense of certainty and finality when you tell him no... if you're body language says "it's no big deal", then it's very likely he won't make it one.

 

Thats true!!! Like make it known that every single part of me is committed to saying no with no hesitations. I think i worry because he has shown traits such as sleeping in his car for 4 days out the front to just talk to me and getting SUPER jealous of male friends and customers. .. and that was when we wete only dating... now i was going to be his wife and have a child with him so i just feel thats it is going to be FULL ON CRAZY! But ultimately if he is like that after me saying no... ill just place a restraining order.

It's really up to you.

 

You know what's silly? We think that the love we feel for someone is something out of our control. But out of all things we do in life... shoot a basketball into a hoop, predict a coin flip outcome, predict the weather, get a raise at our job... the only thing that is always truly under our control is our own feelings. IF we learn to not let them control us.

 

Yes and no.... you have control over your emotions to a certain degree but you cant turn it off and on and even though you know you shouldn't care you cant help who you love. It sucks! I wish it was as simple as "ok he had hurt me... i dont love him anymore...over it!" Wouldn't that be amazing!!

[ally2015]

SOOOOOO ANNOYED!!!

 

Ran into the 'bitch of a sister today' she came upto me nervous as hell and asked to say hello to my child. i said of course you can... she then said "has *exs name* messaged you?" I said "i havent heard from him in almost 2 months" she looked suprised and said " oh... he said he was going to message you about *his brothers* wedding as it is in 2 weeks and he wants *our child* to come" i said "Oh.. i havent heard anything from him in like 2 months so no he hasnt asked me anything" she then said "so can she come?" at that point i was thinking to myself ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I replied "No". she said why? I said "he isnt allowed to have her without me there and no because of his recent behaviour" she was like "what?" I said "oh havent you heard??" she said "no what?" I said :oh... speak to him" and she is like "so she cant come to the wedding?" I said "No she wont be going unless i am there too" then i walked away from her... like are you serious!

 

My friend was also there with me and she was like as if you as a responsible parent would just hand her over to go to a wedding full of her 'family' that dont care about her any other time? i was like EXACTLY! Im not saying no to be a bitch... i am saying No because they in 3 months havent reached out once regarding her, her dad is on drugs and is unstable, he would get smashed at the wedding and so who would look after her... and they only want her there for photos to look like a happy normal family. uhmm no. my friend was also like his sister was like shocked when you said its been NC in 2 months... she seemed like she thought you and him were on good terms... umm thats because he is talking utter s*** to them.. they think that he is constantly contacting me regarding our child and i am being a bi*** and saying no and making it hard for him because im cut that he left me.. NO he is making no contact at all and he didnt leave me he left both of us.

 

AHHH!!! sorry just needed to vent! so annoyed!

[Ralph79]

SOOOOOO ANNOYED!!!

 

Ran into the 'bitch of a sister today' she came upto me nervous as hell and asked to say hello to my child. i said of course you can... she then said "has *exs name* messaged you?" I said "i havent heard from him in almost 2 months" she looked suprised and said " oh... he said he was going to message you about *his brothers* wedding as it is in 2 weeks and he wants *our child* to come" i said "Oh.. i havent heard anything from him in like 2 months so no he hasnt asked me anything" she then said "so can she come?" at that point i was thinking to myself ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I replied "No". she said why? I said "he isnt allowed to have her without me there and no because of his recent behaviour" she was like "what?" I said "oh havent you heard??" she said "no what?" I said :oh... speak to him" and she is like "so she cant come to the wedding?" I said "No she wont be going unless i am there too" then i walked away from her... like are you serious!

 

My friend was also there with me and she was like as if you as a responsible parent would just hand her over to go to a wedding full of her 'family' that dont care about her any other time? i was like EXACTLY! Im not saying no to be a bitch... i am saying No because they in 3 months havent reached out once regarding her, her dad is on drugs and is unstable, he would get smashed at the wedding and so who would look after her... and they only want her there for photos to look like a happy normal family. uhmm no. my friend was also like his sister was like shocked when you said its been NC in 2 months... she seemed like she thought you and him were on good terms... umm thats because he is talking utter s*** to them.. they think that he is constantly contacting me regarding our child and i am being a bi*** and saying no and making it hard for him because im cut that he left me.. NO he is making no contact at all and he didnt leave me he left both of us.

 

AHHH!!! sorry just needed to vent! so annoyed!

 

I think you might be frustrated because, deep down you realize you missed an opportunity to rectify any false idea his family had of you.

 

Had you remained calmed and cool, the conversation could have taken the following turn:

 

"she then said "has *exs name* messaged you?"

You know what... I think it's been 2 months now, and I haven't heard a word from him. I sent him several messages early this year, concerning his daughter, but I stopped trying after he ignored them all. I think he hasn't contacted us since last year.

 

"he said he was going to message you about *his brothers* wedding as it is in 2 weeks and he wants *our child* to come"

Oh! That's great news. Your brother must be really happy. It's about time, I always thought they were perfect for each other and... bs....bs... and more bs.... about them.

 

But you know, don't you think if [insert Ex's name here] wanted our child to be there, He should be the one asking and not you? I mean don't get me wrong, I have nothing against you, but somethings he needs to take care of himself, specially concerning his daughter.

 

So regrettably I'm going to have to tell you no, she can't go.

 

"so can she come?"

I don't think that's a really good idea

 

"why?"

He's legally not permitted to be around her without me. And I really don't think we should be at a wedding together, even if it's not ours. In light of recent events.

 

"what?"

Oh, blame a broken door and some stashed drugs I found. But I really don't want to get into details. I'm not the type to air out our dirty laundry. But you are welcomed to talk to him about it.

 

"so she cant come to the wedding?"

I'll think about it. If you want, tell him I'll send him a text informing him of my decision.

 

And simply never send anything

 

Never lose your cool. Never be frustrated. Remember, you have the power and they don't. By losing your temper, and getting frustrated you only risk losing that power. Chill.

[ally2015]

I think you might be frustrated because, deep down you realize you missed an opportunity to rectify any false idea his family had of you.

 

No I dont really care what they think, they have shown there true colours by having no contact with me and my child. I know that the truth will all come out eventually!

 

Had you remained calmed and cool, the conversation could have taken the following turn:

 

I was actually very calm and gave her limited information.

 

"she then said "has *exs name* messaged you?"

You know what... I think it's been 2 months now, and I haven't heard a word from him. I sent him several messages early this year, concerning his daughter, but I stopped trying after he ignored them all. I think he hasn't contacted us since last year.

 

I said that i havent heard from him in almost 2 months. (because the last time i saw him she was there!) She seemed to be under the impression me and him are on good terms and in contact. because she looked suprised when i said i havent heard anything from him in almost 2 months.

 

"he said he was going to message you about *his brothers* wedding as it is in 2 weeks and he wants *our child* to come"

Oh! That's great news. Your brother must be really happy. It's about time, I always thought they were perfect for each other and... bs....bs... and more bs.... about them.

 

I said to her "oh its awful that her mum is sick so they had to move the wedding up. but how nice for them, then i said again i havent heard anything from him in almost 2 months."

 

"so can she come?"

I don't think that's a really good idea

 

I just said flat out "No due to his recent behaviour"

 

"why?"

He's legally not permitted to be around her without me. And I really don't think we should be at a wedding together, even if it's not ours. In light of recent events.

 

I said because he cant have her without me there and due to his recent behaviour i dont want her anywhere near him"

 

"what?"

Oh, blame a broken door and some stashed drugs I found. But I really don't want to get into details. I'm not the type to air out our dirty laundry. But you are welcomed to talk to him about it.

 

Thats when i said "oh havent you heard? and she said what...? i then paused and said speak to him about it.

 

"so she cant come to the wedding?"

I'll think about it. If you want, tell him I'll send him a text informing him of my decision.

 

i just said No again due to his recent behaviour and the lack of contact.

 

 

Never lose your cool. Never be frustrated. Remember, you have the power and they don't. By losing your temper, and getting frustrated you only risk losing that power. Chill.

 

i think i handled it very well considering i wasnt expecting it. i am frustrated at the fact that she even had the nerve to ask me. no one in his family in 3 months have made any contact with me despite my efforts for my child and now they expect me to let her go to a wedding? that wouldnt make me a responsible parent. if it is SO important that she is at this wedding.... why isnt she important enough any other day?? and now no doubt i will be a bi*** because i said no she cant go... but honestly what do they expect? they are now all strangers to her and her dad is so unstable its a joke! And if she went to the wedding... he would no doubt get blind drunk and she would be palmed off... so whats the point in her even going... other then to have fake happy family photos... no thank you.

 

He hasnt asked me about it because he knows the answer will be know because unlike his family he knows exactly why i would say no.. because of his actions. they believe what he is telling them that he is constently contacting me trying hard to see his child... and that im saying no and making it hard because i am angry at him for leaving me.... uhhh no. thats a big fat LIE and the truth will come out eventually. and they will all look like idiots.

[ally2015]

Ralph79 how much simpler would this be if you and i could just private message haha!

 

Ok... I know I am SUPER annoying and this thread is never ending BUT i have a question... I am in NC with him and he is in NC with me for over a month now. BUT I will be seeing him face to face in 5 days for the mediation... Does this count as NC still OR does it start over?

 

I have a plan in my mind of what I will say and do so just want to see if you guys think its good or if i should do something different.

 

If HE says anything to me... like hello, how are you? or anything else i will say the following

"I'm not interested in speaking to you." If he says anything else or continues to try and talk to me... I will just simply look at him and ignore him. As i have already told him flat out im not interested in conversation. (i wont say it in a bi***y way just say it normally.

 

If HE brings up our child, the councillor said if he does attempt to speak to you and u basically show no interest and tell him no he will more then likely use ur child as a way to talk to you. IF he does i will say "anything regarding our child can be asked via email." and if he continues or gets the shi*s ill just ignore him

 

Does that sound okay?

 

I want to go in there with confidence, looking happy, looking nice, show him im over him and have absolutely no interest in anything to do with him. Basically showing him through my body language and lack of emotion towards him that i am more then fine without him and am happy in my life....

 

I am sure his "girlfriend" will be there and ill just give no reaction to seeing her... dont even acknowledge them, show i couldnt care less and she can have him.

 

Thoughts?

[Ralph79]

Ralph79 how much simpler would this be if you and i could just private message haha!

 

Ok... I know I am SUPER annoying and this thread is never ending BUT i have a question... I am in NC with him and he is in NC with me for over a month now. BUT I will be seeing him face to face in 5 days for the mediation... Does this count as NC still OR does it start over?

 

I have a plan in my mind of what I will say and do so just want to see if you guys think its good or if i should do something different.

 

If HE says anything to me... like hello, how are you? or anything else i will say the following

"I'm not interested in speaking to you." If he says anything else or continues to try and talk to me... I will just simply look at him and ignore him. As i have already told him flat out im not interested in conversation. (i wont say it in a bi***y way just say it normally.

 

If HE brings up our child, the councillor said if he does attempt to speak to you and u basically show no interest and tell him no he will more then likely use ur child as a way to talk to you. IF he does i will say "anything regarding our child can be asked via email." and if he continues or gets the shi*s ill just ignore him

 

Does that sound okay?

 

I want to go in there with confidence, looking happy, looking nice, show him im over him and have absolutely no interest in anything to do with him. Basically showing him through my body language and lack of emotion towards him that i am more then fine without him and am happy in my life....

 

I am sure his "girlfriend" will be there and ill just give no reaction to seeing her... dont even acknowledge them, show i couldnt care less and she can have him.

 

Thoughts?

 

Look, in my opinion, it's considered NC when you don't interact with him or anything that belonged to him, or anyone related to him, for anything other than legal/necessary issues. Those who don't have kids and no connection have no excuse to break NC ever if that is their goal. You on the other hand, will have to comunicate with this man in some fashion for the rest of your life.

 

On the issue of what to tell him, I find that while it might be a good idea to have a script of what you're going to say in your mind, you can't just limit it to what you think it's going to happen. I have at least 50 different scripts in my head of important conversations that are about to take place. But I don't stick to 1 in particular. I just go with a basic mindset.

 

In your case, you must not forget the following:

 

1. You have the power which you can only surrender by:

a) Accepting his apology with a mere teary eye

b) Crying in front of him due to sadness

c) Getting angry at his reactions

d) Bringing yourself down to his level by insulting him.

 

2. He's lied to everyone including himself. So it's possible he'll have a bitter attitude towards you.

Don't let this get you off guard. Simply remember that you have the power here. Don't lose it. Don't try to eagerly prove to everyone that he's lying. The truth comes out on it's own eventually. Don't ever lose your cool.

 

3. Time is your friend.

Anything that might catch you off guard, or anything that might force you to make a decision on the spot just deflect it towards a later time. "I'll think about it". "I'll let you know". "We'll see". etc...

If he had custody of your child, different story. But he doesn't. You hold all the cards. I'll repeat, don't surrender your power.

 

Keep these things and mind and you will find that it applies to all possible scenarios: The young GF being there, the old GF being there, his sister, his family... in short everything. He could show up drunk, or high, and all you have to do is keep in mind that you have the power no matter what.

 

Whatever you say while respecting those guidelines will make you come out feeling better at the end of the day.

[ally2015]

 

On the issue of what to tell him, I find that while it might be a good idea to have a script of what you're going to say in your mind, you can't just limit it to what you think it's going to happen. I have at least 50 different scripts in my head of important conversations that are about to take place. But I don't stick to 1 in particular. I just go with a basic mindset.

 

Thats why i thought if i simple stated i'm not interested in speaking to you and that is it for no matter what he says. even if it is just hello.... this is just for when I see him face to face on Friday The first time i saw him after the split he acted as if nothing had happened and i stupidly engaged in conversation with him. and i dont want that to happen. i want him to know i want nothing to do with him but not in a angry way but in a i just dont care attitude... if that makes sense

 

In your case, you must not forget the following:

 

1. You have the power which you can only surrender by:

a) Accepting his apology with a mere teary eye

b) Crying in front of him due to sadness

c) Getting angry at his reactions

d) Bringing yourself down to his level by insulting him.

 

I am trying to avoid all of these things and i have done this so far. i havent cried in front of him or became upset, i havent yelled at him, insulted him... nothing. and i will continue to do this.

 

2. He's lied to everyone including himself. So it's possible he'll have a bitter attitude towards you.

Don't let this get you off guard. Simply remember that you have the power here. Don't lose it. Don't try to eagerly prove to everyone that he's lying. The truth comes out on it's own eventually. Don't ever lose your cool.

No doubt. he has already attempted to put all of the blame on me and i havent let him. i dont let it bother me because i know the truth and the truth will all come out. especially when it all begins to become a reality to him and all begins to unravel

 

3. Time is your friend.

Anything that might catch you off guard, or anything that might force you to make a decision on the spot just deflect it towards a later time. "I'll think about it". "I'll let you know". "We'll see". etc...

If he had custody of your child, different story. But he doesn't. You hold all the cards. I'll repeat, don't surrender your power.

 

This is great, just defer answering essentially gives me time to carefully have a response. that is why i thought if he brought up our child on Friday i would say "anything regarding our child you can contact me via email as i have no interest in speaking to you.

 

Keep these things and mind and you will find that it applies to all possible scenarios: The young GF being there, the old GF being there, his sister, his family... in short everything. He could show up drunk, or high, and all you have to do is keep in mind that you have the power no matter what.

 

Very true. The way I see it... he is the loser in this breakup. I am happy, I have our child and i am working on me... whereas he has a old gf or a few gfs, is doing drugs and has lost me and our child. what has he gained? Dont you normally end a relationship to become a better person or to gain something better? He has lost more then he could ever gain. Whereas all I have is to gain more and more

 

Whatever you say while respecting those guidelines will make you come out feeling better at the end of the day.

 

I just hope he doesnt even speak to me besides in the mediation room... but who knows, i am just trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario thats why i thought the "im not interested in speaking to you and email me" statements cover all bases.

[ally2015]

Okay... He emailed me today...

 

"Hey

 

Can i please see *childs name* on my birthday?

 

Also *brother and sister in laws name* have has to move there wedding forward due to her mum being ill. Can *childs name* please come to her uncles wedding"

 

Are you kidding me.? 2 month no contact at all... and not a how is the child... and does he honestly expect me to be like yeah sure no worries. you can be a dad on ur birthday, take photos with her... awesome! uhmm no... if you want to be a dad.. I thought something like this...?

 

Att: *his full name*

 

*childs name* and I are not in Sydney on 9th of March 2015 so she will be unable to see you on this date.

 

Please confirm the date, time and location of the wedding.

 

Regards,

 

*my full name*

 

Thoughts?

[Ralph79]

Okay... He emailed me today...

 

"Hey

 

Can i please see *childs name* on my birthday?

 

Also *brother and sister in laws name* have has to move there wedding forward due to her mum being ill. Can *childs name* please come to her uncles wedding"

 

Are you kidding me.? 2 month no contact at all... and not a how is the child... and does he honestly expect me to be like yeah sure no worries. you can be a dad on ur birthday, take photos with her... awesome! uhmm no... if you want to be a dad.. I thought something like this...?

 

Att: *his full name*

 

*childs name* and I are not in Sydney on 9th of March 2015 so she will be unable to see you on this date.

 

Please confirm the date, time and location of the wedding.

 

Regards,

 

*my full name*

 

Thoughts?

 

Attn: * his full name *

 

Your daughter is doing great. She's done XXXX and XXXXX . The other day she XXXX.

 

I'm doing great too.

 

But thanks for asking

 

I'm afraid we'll be out of town from XXX date to XXX date. So I'm afraid she'll be unavailable for your Birthday. But you are entitled to come visit her during reasonable hours at my house any other day, given a heads up warning in advance of course.

 

And unfortunately I'm not legally permitted to allow my child out of sight, And certain matters must be resolved before You and I can show up together in any social events in the near future.

 

***

 

Anyways, it doesnt have to be what I typed. You a few tongue-in-cheek remark ideas.