Continue No Contact?

[ally2015]

Everything we do sends a message. From the way you talk to the way you dress. Even your posture sends a clear message.Dress nice. But do it for yourself. Look your best. Make yourself blush my merely looking at the mirror. Give yourself all the edge you can to go in there with all the confidence in the world. And to be honest, you should do that every day anyway.

 

Yes i always attempt to look decent when i leave the house but when i know i am seeing him i look amazing haha. send him a message i am not falling apart... when i think about it he is the one sending a message to me that he is a mess and looks awful. every time i have seen him he looks miserable and appearance is awful.

 

 

It's not BS. It's completely logical. If he sees you are desperate to get him back he knows he has room to work with still. If he sees you strong and notices you are ready to move on, he will start to get worried. Now you CANT PRETEND to move on. You have to really start moving on to plant those seeds.

 

Ok good to know it does sound logically but i know in his current state nothing will have an impact but if the seeds are planted..when he starts giving a s*** it will all come up. That i am fine, i look good, i look happy and confident all without him.

 

 

Several factors. For one guilt will bet the better of him sooner or later. And no, guilt alone is not a good foundation for reconciliation. He needs to have a clear understanding of how much he has hurt you and your daughter for him to be truly repentant. Only then can reconciliation have a chance to work.

 

Would the guilt come from regret, or pity? i dont want him back because he feels guilty that he hurt me...thats not a reason to come back. i want him back due to genuine regret, that he loves me and he loves his child, that he wants a life and future with us.... if he isnt genuine or his main reason to come back is for our child then im not interested...if he wants to come back it has to be for me 1st. i dont want to be together for the child, and to be honest i dont even know if i would take him back or if he would do the hard yards to get a chance to come back... What other factors make you certain he will attempt a return?

 

This is the emotional intensity he needs to have when he apologizes to you and his daughter. Not just crying and sobbing because his life is Sh..t.

I don't think he's capable of doing that to be honest.

 

This is what i want... even if i dont take him back i want the emotional repentance, we both deserve it to know he actually realises how much he f***ed up, how much he hurt us and he as bad as it sounds suffers with that. I think he is capable of this as i have seen him do it before where he absolutely fell apart and did all he could to make up for it.

 

You've gotten over 50 replies throughout all the threads you've started and everyone has suggested the same thing. Move on. You know you can't be the only one who's right, when the whole world is telling you you're wrong.

 

I am not saying im right at all... i am just lost and stuck and hurt.... and the people giving advice have been in my shoes or similar and are all telling me to run and move on because they have lived it, they have taken and ex back etc... so i get you want me to avoid the same fate that you suffered and learnt from. if that makes sense?

 

And I find that living by the motto "The heart wants what the heart wants" is completely irresponsible for someone in your shoes. You have a daughter that needs you. She can't afford for her mother to go into a breakup depression this guy is more than likely to impale you with, if you keep playing with fire.

 

I am not going to be stupid about any of this i am responsible for my life and my childs. I am not going to just simply go back to him and allow him to treat us like a doormat, i will have a high standard he needs to meet that we deserve and if he doesnt id leave, not the way he has but leave like an adult would. i wont let him drag us down or into his problems. what do you mean by he will impale me?

[Ralph79]

"I am not saying im right at all... "

My mistake. I meant to say that you keep rephrasing the same question and posting it on different threads hoping to find a different answer. I actually think you should continue doing this, as long as you don't distort the truth just to hear the answer you're looking for.

 

I know how being in your shoes feels somewhat. We want to hear an answer that gives us hope to keep on fighting for them. Don't you think I didn't ask the same question 1,000 times to different mediums as well? "Is my wife's BPD making her do this to me? ... Will she ultimately choose to be happy with me and quit obsessing over her ex-BF?"

 

Everyone was saying the same things they're telling you. "She's not worth it. She doesn't want to help herself..." etc

 

Ultimately life made me understand that I was asking the wrong questions. I should have been asking MYSELF:

 

"Why do I love someone who makes me feel like garbage?"

"Why can't I accept that it was ME who made the happy moments in our relationship possible"

"Why do I give her so much power over my life, when ANYONE else could clearly make me a happier man if I simply give them the opportunity?"

 

Once I started the SMART questions, life started giving me FULFILLING answers. Hope that makes sense.

 

"Would the guilt come from regret, or pity?"

Pity. A man that does what he does to you will first feel pity. Regret comes after you turn him down and he understands all the hard word it took for you to also fill the role he abandoned to raise your daughter. He WILL come back. You don't worry about that. Worry about being strong when he inevitably does.

 

"what do you mean by he will impale me?"

When you work so hard to give someone chance after chance like you've given this man, the subsequent betrayals feel like a stab in the back. It gets worse, because each and every time you invest your of yourself in him and each time we feel we lost more and more. I used to think we grew a thicker skin and would be better able to deal with subsequent heartbreaks. I was wrong. It only gets worse from here on out when them.

 

I think you've gathered enough information and the people on these boards have given you the tools to be better prepared to deal with this situation. You have a very different opinion now. Your last post has a much different feel to it than your first one. You went from "I just can't help loving him, I'll hold out hope that he'll come to his senses when the drugs stop messing his mind", to " I am not going to just simply go back to him and allow him to treat us like a doormat" in a mere 3 days. Imagine how strong you'll be in 1 week. Keep working on the advice experienced people have given you on these boards.

[ally2015]

Once I started the SMART questions, life started giving me FULFILLING answers. Hope that makes sense.

 

Makes a lot of sense!I am sure i will get there at some point.. its just hard having no control over what is happening and not knowing why any of this happened because he cant be man enough to have a conversation.

 

"Would the guilt come from regret, or pity?"

Pity. A man that does what he does to you will first feel pity. Regret comes after you turn him down and he understands all the hard word it took for you to also fill the role he abandoned to raise your daughter. He WILL come back. You don't worry about that. Worry about being strong when he inevitably does.

 

Why would it be pity? Like feeling sorry that im on my own or a single mum, looking at me as weak? I actually have pity for him he has given up everything and for what? I want him to have regret and i will be turning him down and proving to him that i am more then capable of doing it by myself and i am happy. So he knows i never needed him but i wanted him and now he has lost both of us.

 

Why are you so certain he will come back honestly... the way he is acting indicates the exact opposite... i know this girl he is with wont last, that will be the start, then it will be a snow ball effect if he allows it to be... he will start to actually realise what the f*** am i doing... OR drive even more into drugs to avoid coming to that realisation...

 

"what do you mean by he will impale me?"

When you work so hard to give someone chance after chance like you've given this man, the subsequent betrayals feel like a stab in the back. It gets worse, because each and every time you invest your of yourself in him and each time we feel we lost more and more. I used to think we grew a thicker skin and would be better able to deal with subsequent heartbreaks. I was wrong. It only gets worse from here on out when them.

 

Yes i understand this... but i feel IF he did come back on my terms which to be honest could take a long time... i would continue working on myself so that if he did anything i didnt like or he i guess stepped out of line id stand up for myself not take his crap prove to him that i do deserve better then him and he is damm lucky to have me and our child in his life and if he doesnt appreciate that i will leave and he knows i will because i right now am proving i can live without him and with him coming back he knows he cant live without us.

 

I think you've gathered enough information and the people on these boards have given you the tools to be better prepared to deal with this situation. You have a very different opinion now. Your last post has a much different feel to it than your first one. You went from "I just can't help loving him, I'll hold out hope that he'll come to his senses when the drugs stop messing his mind", to " I am not going to just simply go back to him and allow him to treat us like a doormat" in a mere 3 days. Imagine how strong you'll be in 1 week. Keep working on the advice experienced people have given you on these boards.

 

I feel a lot better after hearing your advice, i really appreciate it. I feel that im at a point where i dont really care if he is my husband more so care that he attempts to reconcile so i can see him hurt the way he has hurt us.. give me that closure... we may work it out...who knows.. but i will not take any crap and not just simply accept it and be like ok happy families.. no. it will basically be start from square one...something like this:

 

Hi my name is ally, this is my daughter. im single because her dad is an idiot! I think thats the only way to give a real go IF he proves himself and does all i ask (rehab, anger management etc) would be the only way to rebuild trust and attempt to move forward without the past.

 

I REALLY appreciate all you have said and if we lived close (USA to Australia) Id give you a hug because you have really helped

[Ralph79]

Ok, let's start with the most pertinent question on your mind.

 

Why are you so certain he will come back honestly...

 

As I said before, there are a lot of factors. The strongest I believe will be rekindled desire. We are predictable creatures to be honest. "Wanting" is a really intense and addictive feeling. He's being driven by his wants.

 

To quote Mr. Spock (yes , I have an inner geek):

 

"After time, you may find that HAVING is not so pleasing a thing after all as WANTING, it is not logical, but it is often true".

 

He still feels that he HAS you. As soon he realizes that you stopped loving him, he will WANT you again. And he will come back to you. It's really selfish and stupid. But that's what drives so many dumpers back to the dumpee's a lot of the time. And that is why so many times reconciliations ultimately fail.

 

IF he proves himself and does all i ask (rehab, anger management etc) would be the only way to rebuild trust and attempt to move forward without the past.

 

If he comes back to you and you STILL need to ask this of him ... then I believe there's no hope for your relationship to endure.

 

If he doesn't do this for himself on his own accord before knocking on your door, then it's a sign of complete and utter disrespect to you and his daughter, in my opinion...if you need to push him to do this...forget it.

 

And you're welcome

 

P.S. This is why I tell you to be open to meeting people. For support and to have someone who can give you the real hug back you deserve and need in person.

[ally2015]

He still feels that he HAS you. As soon he realizes that you stopped loving him, he will WANT you again. And he will come back to you. It's really selfish and stupid. But that's what drives so many dumpers back to the dumpee's a lot of the time. And that is why so many times reconciliations ultimately fail.

 

Like a child... you start playing with a toy then they all of a sudden must have it. I guess it could be a good thing like knowing you want someone so badly but then if it is easy to get them then it isnt as satisfying. I dont think he feels he HAS me as i have given no indication of this.. he may think that id be willing if he came back but i will make it very clear that im not and if he is genuine he will fight for it he has before (slept in his car for 4 days out the front of my house until i spoke to him - yes a bit stalkerish but also showed he cared... have a feeling this will happen again)

 

 

If he comes back to you and you STILL need to ask this of him ... then I believe there's no hope for your relationship to endure.

 

i bet he will knock on my door and ill tell him basically f*** off. and if he is persistent ill say go and help yourself by doing this this this... save yourself, i cant do it for you. Then if he does that then we can talk but i wont tell him that... IF or as you say WHEN he comes back i will be making it very clear i am not interested in being with him. Make it known he has royally f***ed up and all of it is HIS fault!

 

And you're welcome

 

P.S. This is why I tell you to be open to meeting people. For support and to have someone who can give you the real hug back you deserve and need in person.

 

I have actually made friends with people in the community that are going through similar issues and its good to speak with them. But that are also in it so they cant really speak from experience like you have been. as awful as it is that you had to go through it, your stronger now and you are helping so many other people.

[Ralph79]

I dont think he feels he HAS me as i have given no indication of this

 

he may think that id be willing if he came back but i will make it very clear that im not

 

You need to read these lines objectively. Read what you just typed. It's as if someone types: "I'm not stalking him. And I don't think he thinks I'm stalking him... yes the restraining order against me might make it seem that way, but I assure you I'm not. I just trying to find out who he's been calleing the past month".

 

IF he thinks you'd be willing to take him back, that means he thinks he HAS you. Don't you get it?. And worse still, you say "I will make it very clear I'm not". You should have made it very clear ALREADY. The fact that you still haven't is what is reaffirming his feelings that he has you under his thumb.

 

"as awful as it is that you had to go through it, your stronger now and you are helping so many other people."

Well, I'm also helping myself doing this. The way I see it, I paid a steep price for what I learned. I figured I'll pass on the lessons so that others don't have to pay that same price.

 

Having others benefit from my experiences is like trying to make the price I paid a bargain deal by extension

[stillafool]

He has a 'girlfriend' she is approximately 19 and he is 26. So that's another issue and who knows what influence she is having over him. I guess just maintain the no contact. He would HAVE to miss myself and our child at some point? But when he does he most likely uses drugs to avoid it! Just tired of feeling stuck..but i guess it will just be a waiting game.

 

I doubt very much the 19 year old is influencing him if anything he is influencing her. He is where he wants to be, doing what he wants to do with whom he wants to be with. He is not a child and knows what he wants. You are not his mother but only the mother of his child. All you can do is take care of that baby and file for child support because that is the baby's right. He may never want to come back to you so you should definitely start looking to the future without him. Stay NC as he is doing, heal and move on with your life.

 

Do you know how many women are single mothers and the father has no contact with their child at all? You cannot make him be a good father to your child but you can make him responsible for her financially. He is still very young at 26 years old and is back to acting like a teenager especially now that he's landed a 19 year old. I know that your counselor told you he will be back but you can't count on that. Why haven't you filed for child support yet? You said he has money.

Edited February 16, 2015 by stillafool

[ally2015]

I was just speaking to my lawyer about all the situations and also just recieved his statement for our AVO hearing and it is all utter lies and of course makes him out to look innocent haha if he was innocent the police wouldnt have placed the AVO...idiot.

 

Anyways... my lawyer said to do nothing.. ball is in his court regarding our child. he is exempt from paying child support due to the AVO which is a benefit for me as i still get assistance but he gets away with not paying. He said to just leave him be as the longer it takes him to do something regarding our child the better for me as it just proves 1.his state of mind 2.he doesnt care about her 3.he isnt a stable or reliable parent. The lawyer also says his behaviour demonstrates drugs use and unstable frame of mind. That he isnt thinking logically about anything as everything he has done has actually hurt him and benefited me yet he doesnt see that.

 

Laywer said just let it be for now and continue on how i am and keep her away from him IF he does ask...but he said he most likely wont for a few months and when he does it will be when he will attempt to also re-enter your life. Stand your ground and make him work for it and prove himself. and IF he does come back continue to document everything so incase things dont pan out u have evidence.

[ally2015]

I doubt very much the 19 year old is influencing him if anything he is influencing her. He is where he wants to be, doing what he wants to do with whom he wants to be with. He is not a child and knows what he wants. You are not his mother but only the mother of his child. All you can do is take care of that baby and file for child support because that is the baby's right. He may never want to come back to you so you should definitely start looking to the future without him. Stay NC as he is doing, heal and move on with your life.

 

im sure they are influencing one another, i am saying she may be encouraging him to no contact about his child or she may be a drug addict herself and is encouraging his drug use...who knows. i know i am not his mother but i care and i am the only person in his life that does... his own family dont. I am looking into the future without him but i know he will always be in our lives in some capicity as we have a child together. i will be remaining in no contact and when he contacts me IF he does then ill deal with it.

 

Do you know how many women are single mothers and the father has no contact with their child at all? You cannot make him be a good father to your child but you can make him responsible for her financially. He is still very young at 26 years old and is back to acting like a teenager especially now that he's landed a 19 year old. I know that your counselor told you he will be back but you can't count on that. Why haven't you filed for child support yet? You said he has money.

 

I have filed... he is exempt though due to the AVO in place. i am happy to be a single parent and if this is the life he wants to pursue then i want him to relinquish his rights to her and never bother us again. he is acting like a teenager its a joke cant take responsiblity for anything he is doing and is acting like a child.

[ally2015]

You need to read these lines objectively.

 

Totally get it! I feel that i have made it clear to him i am done... i have done the following.. is there any more i should do?

 

*since he left my only communication has been about our child nothing about me and him or the relationship... no i love you... no i miss you.. nothing

* when i saw him on xmas he was acting like nothing was wrong and i was just very cold and unresponsive towards him. he said "i miss hanging out with you guys" i said "you are hanging out with her not me."

* I packed up all of his belongings that he had left here and returned them to his mothers home. My mum then messaged him saying "Ally has left your belongings out the front of your mums, she has also changed her number so you can contact her via email regarding your child. please have your mail forwarded onto your mums house as she will be moving"

 

Returning his belongings, removing the easy contact and showing him i am moving on without him along with no contact at all.

[Ralph79]

I think you've taken steps in the right direction.

 

He still hasn't gotten the message though. And what I'm going to tell you is pretty much a win-win strategy:

 

Start moving on for real. On one side of the spectrum of possibilities you will meet someone whose love for you will dwarf the happiness you used to feel for this guy by comparison. You'll laugh and bang your head on the wall thinking "why didn't I do this sooner". On the other end of the spectrum he will feel your indifference and start clawing back towards you. So you really can't lose either way. [Well I'd consider him coming back losing, to be honest, but I'm putting myself in your shoes here].

 

Additional steps I'd suggest you take:

 

1. Don't call him or email him for anything. You don't really NEED to contact him for any of your daughter's needs. And if HE wants to talk to you and starts babbling about the relationship, flat out say : "Please limit whatever you want to say , to issues that only concern MY daughter". [Key part is saying MY. Don't say OUR. Because he's not being a Father to her and does't deserve to be acknowledged as such]

 

2. Set your Facebook or Social Media status to Single. Eliminate all of his pictures in your profile or photo gallery. He'll start stalking sooner or later.

 

3. Never bring up the Wedding thing again. If HE brings it up, just say "Look if you're too busy snorting whatever chemical you can find to understand this is not happening, be my guest. Cancel or Go find a bride to fill in for me. I really don't give a damn anymore. It's no longer my problem.

 

4. Lastly return ALL belongings he had gifted you. Letters, Stuffed toys, Rings, etc... Make him understand it's truly over. And remove EVERYTHING in your environment (other than your Daughter of course) that reminds you of him, and start anew.

 

That's my advice.

 

I also just realized he might have been very manipulative in your relationship thus your incessant insistence on getting him back when you first started posting. I say this because of his Statement. Thankfully you didn't fall for it.

[ally2015]

 

[Well I'd consider him coming back losing, to be honest, but I'm putting myself in your shoes here].

 

Haha yeah im sure as time goes on i will being to see it more and more from your point of view.

 

Additional steps I'd suggest you take:

 

1. Don't call him or email him for anything. You don't really NEED to contact him for any of your daughter's needs. And if HE wants to talk to you and starts babbling about the relationship, flat out say : "Please limit whatever you want to say , to issues that only concern MY daughter". [Key part is saying MY. Don't say OUR. Because he's not being a Father to her and does't deserve to be acknowledged as such]

 

Yeah i have absolutely no contact in a month.. he sent me a message a month ago... kind of felt like he wanted a reply (also the way it was written seemed like he didnt write it himself or he had taken 2 or 3 days to word it)

"I want you to leave me alone unless it is to do with me seeing *childs name*. I am happy in my life and you need to move on and find happiness too" He doesnt talk like that at all... and this was the first time HE had messaged me first since leaving... before i recieved that message the last contact i had made with him was a week prior about our child being sick... so i was like what the hell when i recieved it and didnt respond that was the last contact between us in a month

 

When i was contacting him it was when our child was sick, she actually went to hospital 3 seperate times and i informed him with no response. so i just went f*** it he doesnt care so i havent told him anything about her since.

 

2. Set your Facebook or Social Media status to Single. Eliminate all of his pictures in your profile or photo gallery. He'll start stalking sooner or later.

 

My facebook is on private and he doesnt have facebook, all his family are blocked and anyone that i was friends with that he knows has limited access to my things.

 

3. Never bring up the Wedding thing again. If HE brings it up, just say "Look if you're too busy snorting whatever chemical you can find to understand this is not happening, be my guest. Cancel or Go find a bride to fill in for me. I really don't give a damn anymore. It's no longer my problem.

 

Yeah with the wedding, i was just annoyed that the places were contacting me about it we were getting married in 12 months. So i emailed them all saying to remove me from there contact list and only contact him regarding the wedding. If he doesnt cancel it then thats his problem. Even if we worked everything out... i am not marrying him... not for a longgggg time if at all

 

4. Lastly return ALL belongings he had gifted you. Letters, Stuffed toys, Rings, etc... Make him understand it's truly over. And remove EVERYTHING in your environment (other than your Daughter of course) that reminds you of him, and start anew.

 

Yes i have removed everything of him from my environment, the only thing i have kept is my engagement ring as i will have it made into something for my daughter. he would just sell it for drug money. i do have a photo book that was made for him of our daughters first year and family photos... i was going to give that to him when i returned all his things the other day but was advised to hold onto it and give it to him when he is in a stable mindframe so he can appreciate it. Because without that he would have no photos of our child.

 

That's my advice.

 

I also just realized he might have been very manipulative in your relationship thus your incessant insistence on getting him back when you first started posting. I say this because of his Statement. Thankfully you didn't fall for it.

 

What do you mean by this?

[Ralph79]

What do you mean by this?

 

I mean that he has gotten away with everything so far. He didn't mind living in your parents house. He didn't mind leaving you with the burden of providing for your child on your own. I honestly wouldn't be able to bring myself to have a kid while I'm living under my in-law's roof. No matter how much my wife would've insisted.

 

If I can't provide a roof on my own for MY family, then I shouldn't be "putting more buns in the oven". And this guy had the audacity to say he wanted to have 2nd one without a house secured yet. He's an irresponsible moocher who has been able to sway people to see things his way.

 

The statement he prepared for the court is the toned down version of what he's telling people that happened between you. Trust me. People will say and do anything to keep feeding the addiction.

[ally2015]

If I can't provide a roof on my own for MY family, then I shouldn't be "putting more buns in the oven". And this guy had the audacity to say he wanted to have 2nd one without a house secured yet. He's an irresponsible moocher who has been able to sway people to see things his way.

 

Yes our situation wasnt ideal and we in hindsight should have just rented but we were looking out for in the future. and saving to buy a home seemed like a better idea. Yeah i said to him no way we will start trying for number 2 until we are out on our own and even married.

 

The statement he prepared for the court is the toned down version of what he's telling people that happened between you. Trust me. People will say and do anything to keep feeding the addiction.

 

His statement for court is making it look like it was my fault not his...which is just stupid because if the police saw it that was would an AVO be placed...no. my statement is very detailed like he said this word for word and i said this where as his statement is 'we had a conversation'. he REALLY doesnt want this AVO in place he is making it out to be a bigger deal then it is. if he isnt planning to stalk, harrass, hurt me etc... it should make no difference to him? Its already been in place so if we go to court for our child thats against him.. He just has no idea... he also submitted screen shots of text messages from my friends ( which has no bearing on anything other then them stating he is pathetic idiot) and text messages between me and him but only selected certain ones... idiot... the screen shots have nothing to do with the AVO, they have nothing to do with anything... he just has no idea

[ally2015]

Ok i need some advice so i can start preparing myself... we have court next week for the AVO i only have to appear then i can leave and have no one to watch my child so have to take her with me i will only be there 10 minutes... my family are concerned that he may approach me to see her. My plan is to simply ignore and walk straight past him.

 

Then in 2 weeks we have mediation for our joint savings account...THIS is what i am nervous about as we will literally be face to face for the first time in 3 months and will have to speak to each other regarding the money... orginally i was thinking of going in with the f*** you attitude, limited eye contact, cold, etc.. but today i was thinking maybe i should do the opposite approach.... go in happy, say hello and smile, be friendly but with no emotion? He would be expecting the cold bitchy attitude so maybe if i go in confident, happy and looking good he will be like what the hell.... i think that would show that he is having no impact on my life... what do you think is the best approach to take... i want to look strong and confident and happy and im stressed out that at how he will look, it will be a good thing i will see him the week before so i can kind of prepare myself because if he looks as awful as i am imagining i think id cry at the sight of him.

 

What do you all think will send the best message for both times i will see him in 2 weeks? The AVO hearing i will bearly see him only really when i walk in and out whereas the mediation we will be in the same room.

[Ralph79]

Ok i need some advice so i can start preparing myself... we have court next week for the AVO i only have to appear then i can leave and have no one to watch my child so have to take her with me i will only be there 10 minutes... my family are concerned that he may approach me to see her. My plan is to simply ignore and walk straight past him.

 

Then in 2 weeks we have mediation for our joint savings account...THIS is what i am nervous about as we will literally be face to face for the first time in 3 months and will have to speak to each other regarding the money... orginally i was thinking of going in with the f*** you attitude, limited eye contact, cold, etc.. but today i was thinking maybe i should do the opposite approach.... go in happy, say hello and smile, be friendly but with no emotion? He would be expecting the cold bitchy attitude so maybe if i go in confident, happy and looking good he will be like what the hell.... i think that would show that he is having no impact on my life... what do you think is the best approach to take... i want to look strong and confident and happy and im stressed out that at how he will look, it will be a good thing i will see him the week before so i can kind of prepare myself because if he looks as awful as i am imagining i think id cry at the sight of him.

 

What do you all think will send the best message for both times i will see him in 2 weeks? The AVO hearing i will bearly see him only really when i walk in and out whereas the mediation we will be in the same room.

 

I would say go with the logical and reasonable attitudes.

 

When you go to the AVO hearing you display a "FEAR for your dear life" look that you had when you called the cops after he smashed that window. You do realize He's not the only one who's going to see you that day right?

 

And when you go to the savings account meeting, you focus on having ANY attitude that will put you in a better position, to save as much money as you can from being put into his drug fund.

 

Focus on what's important. The AVO means the safety of your baby is at stake.

 

The Savings account meeting could mean securing more funds for your child he must provide.

 

I would stop worrying about how he perceives you until you secure those 2 things. That should be your top priority on your mind right now.

[ally2015]

I would say go with the logical and reasonable attitudes.

 

When you go to the AVO hearing you display a "FEAR for your dear life" look that you had when you called the cops after he smashed that window. You do realize He's not the only one who's going to see you that day right?

 

And when you go to the savings account meeting, you focus on having ANY attitude that will put you in a better position, to save as much money as you can from being put into his drug fund.

 

Focus on what's important. The AVO means the safety of your baby is at stake.

 

The Savings account meeting could mean securing more funds for your child he must provide.

 

I would stop worrying about how he perceives you until you secure those 2 things. That should be your top priority on your mind right now.

 

The AVO isnt a hearing. I just need to say i want to proceed to the police then i leave he wont be anywhere near me BUT i will be genuine when i am speaking to the police. But when i am walking from my car to court and leaving he will see me...

 

regarding the money he is only being offered the amount he put in and if he doesnt agree then mediation ends and we go to court. But its in black and white on the statement what he is entitled to so mediation is pointless thats why i thought id use it as a way to plant seeds. Just not sure which approach would be most effective considering it will be the 1st time seeing each other in a long time. Obviously when discussing the money id be serious but before that should i use the cold or friendly with bo emotion approach?

[Ralph79]

Obviously when discussing the money id be serious but before that should i use the cold or friendly with bo emotion approach?

 

What would be your approach towards a business partner who hasn't put up his end of the bargain in a deal you signed together?

 

What I'm trying to say it, now is not the time for "mind games" or planting seeds. Get an assessment of where he stands. But don't forget, he hasn't complied with his end of the bargain. So you should be annoyed at the very least.

 

In these situations I would usually be more observant of everything so that I can devise a better strategy for a future meeting. I'd simply give him a "Thanks for nothing" attitude, because that's what he deserves, because that's what he's done for you. Nothing.

[ally2015]

What would be your approach towards a business partner who hasn't put up his end of the bargain in a deal you signed together?

 

In this case id be pissed off, avoid any eye contact, use body language to show them how annoyed at them i am.

 

What I'm trying to say it, now is not the time for "mind games" or planting seeds. Get an assessment of where he stands. But don't forget, he hasn't complied with his end of the bargain. So you should be annoyed at the very least.

 

Thats what i am trying to do... he will be expecting me to go in there with the 'i hate you' attitude so thought if i do the other approach and just be myself not go out of my way etc... but say hello in a friendly way like when you first meet someone... show him all of this s*** he is doing isnt impacting me, im getting on with my life, he isnt changing who i am kind of thing? Or should i not bother, just go in there and get it over with an leave... avoid looking at him or talking to him unless i have to?

 

In these situations I would usually be more observant of everything so that I can devise a better strategy for a future meeting. I'd simply give him a "Thanks for nothing" attitude, because that's what he deserves, because that's what he's done for you. Nothing.

 

I know what your saying but who knows when the next meeting will be... this will be the first face to face in 3 months... so thought maybe take the opportunity.... i dont know... i honestly dont even want to see him. i have a vision in my mind what he will look like and honestly i dont want to be anywhere near him. but i have no choice... the mediation i have nothing to lose in regards to the money... its an open close case for me... so thats why i thought i could start planting seeds... or could it back fire?

[Ralph79]

You are over-thinking this. I know you can't help it. I have been in your situation before and I looked (and felt) like an idiot pretending to put on a happy face one of the last times I saw my eX.

 

It's so easy to get betrayed by your emotions when you see him. Your resolve might crumble at the mere sight of him. If you want my honest opinion, I hate saying this but I think you are going to be putty in his hands as soon as you talk to him. I don't mean to imply that you are going to throw yourself at his feet, but a few of his looks and some well thought out words on his part and you are going to question everything you have come to believe during these past 5 days about him.

 

I really wish I could tell you that you should strive to work together with this man and repair your family. But based on what he's done to you, it's not worth it. However all of the advice you have gotten from these boards has been based on your version of the accounts of what happened. If you lied, exaggerated or omitted things that change the essence of events, then you have wasted your time (and to a lesser extent ours).

 

But back to what you are asking:

 

If here were just a BF, the best attitude would be indifference. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Don't ignore, hate or laugh with him. Simply treat him like you would treat anyone in the room.

 

But this is not JUST a BF. He is the father of your daughter. She should be enjoying a great relationship with her real father. Instead he's screwing with another woman and worse still on drugs. You SHOULD be at least annoyed. You should be pissed off. But not because he's not there for YOU. You should be pissed off that your daughter has such a disappointing waste of a human being as a Father, when he could have at least been there for her. Keep that in mind.

 

And believe me, there will be future meetings. You will one day reach the point where these will inconvenience you.

[ally2015]

It's so easy to get betrayed by your emotions when you see him. Your resolve might crumble at the mere sight of him. If you want my honest opinion, I hate saying this but I think you are going to be putty in his hands as soon as you talk to him. I don't mean to imply that you are going to throw yourself at his feet, but a few of his looks and some well thought out words on his part and you are going to question everything you have come to believe during these past 5 days about him.

 

i think it will be a positive thing that i will briefly see him a week before we are face to face. So i can see how he looks (as ive been told he looks like a junkie) just thinking of him like that upsets me so seeing him a week before the mediation i can atleast be prepared for it. I will not be speaking to him other then regarding the money anything else im not interested in speaking to him about. And if he tries to i will respond with 'i am not interested in speaking to you, just leave me alone'. If he asks about our child i will say ' if you want to speak to me re our child you can do so via email'.

 

The last time i saw him a month ago when i was putting our child in the car he said bye to me and i just ignored him.. i just dont know how to play it... i hate what he has done and is doing yet the feelings are still there its annoying! I think if he just ended things like an adult it would be easier. .. what i dont get is... why he isnt just honest? Makes life so much easier? Yet he chooses to just avoid...why?

 

I really wish I could tell you that you should strive to work together with this man and repair your family. But based on what he's done to you, it's not worth it. However all of the advice you have gotten from these boards has been based on your version of the accounts of what happened. If you lied, exaggerated or omitted things that change the essence of events, then you have wasted your time (and to a lesser extent ours).

 

I am being honest 100% thats why i am here because i am like what the f*** is happening. If i was awful or whatever id say it or wouldnt ask as id know the reason why he left and is treating us like this. .. but this is all the truth.

 

But this is not JUST a BF. He is the father of your daughter. She should be enjoying a great relationship with her real father. Instead he's screwing with another woman and worse still on drugs. You SHOULD be at least annoyed. You should be pissed off. But not because he's not there for YOU. You should be pissed off that your daughter has such a disappointing waste of a human being as a Father, when he could have at least been there for her. Keep that in mind.

 

100% in pissed off, angry, hurt, disgusted and heartbroken for how he has just abandoned her! But as he has said "im not leaving her...im leaving you' f***ing delusional he has made NC in 3 months unless i did first on her behalf. He hasnt seen her in 1 month... pretty sure thats leaving her buddy. Just shows HE is the issue not me and not our child.

 

I just want to send the message to him that we are doing fine, that he has no power over me, that i dont care about him anymore that nothing he does impacts me

 

And believe me, there will be future meetings.

I just want him to try come back already so i can say f*** off and I be the one to end things the way they should be ended. I want him to hurt and cry and realise he has f***ed up everything

[Ralph79]

My, you've come a long way from

 

you cant help who you love. I wish i could just give up and not care... ive tried. but i cant. i love him

 

To

 

I just want him to try come back already so i can say f*** off and I be the one to end things the way they should be ended. I want him to hurt and cry and realise he has f***ed up everything

 

And THAT my friend is what a woman who is STILL being Cheated on and who's BF opts to stay high most of the time instead of being the Parent his daughter needs him to be, SHOULD FEEL.

 

Congratulations, your eyes are open I know you'll be ok.

[ally2015]

My, you've come a long way from

 

 

 

To

 

 

 

And THAT my friend is what a woman who is STILL being Cheated on and who's BF opts to stay high most of the time instead of being the Parent his daughter needs him to be, SHOULD FEEL.

 

Congratulations, your eyes are open I know you'll be ok.

You've helped me alot! Its bloody hard and i have days that i just want to cry and give up BUT i cant. My child literally i am all she has. So she is also making me become strong because ahe cant stand up for herself. We deserve SO much better!

 

Do you honestly think ill get the f*** off moment where i can destroy him the way he did to us..but with a difference HE actually destroyed himself by treating us like this. Should i just continue the NC and wait him out... to see him fall apart and feel the emotional hurt and devastation that HE lost his family and WE are strong enough to say WE deserve better

[Ralph79]

Do you honestly think ill get the f*** off moment where i can destroy him the way he did to us

 

He cannot destroy you. Only you can do that to yourself. Don't sink to his level by retaliating. He's not worth it. He's not worth your love or your hate.

 

You've got too much to look forward to, and a beautiful daughter that depends on you, to be bitter. This has been very hard on you. Cry, it's a sad outcome after all. You are not made out of stone. Be grateful that you've survived this. Be thankful you are not living a lie. And NEVER give up. You are stronger now. More than you've ever been before. Keep getting stronger.

 

What every poster here has been trying to tell you (myself included) is that once you are able to fully process your self-worth, you'll see that this guy is beneath you. What ever merits he may have earned in the past cannot justify his actions today. It would be a disservice to your daughter and to yourself living clinging to the past. Live the present and plan for the future.

 

In regards to your NC question. Do whatever feels right to you. There is no wrong choice anymore. As long as you carry yourself with respect and never surrender your dignity, you can do no wrong from this point on.

[ally2015]

He cannot destroy you. Only you can do that to yourself. Don't sink to his level by retaliating. He's not worth it. He's not worth your love or your hate.

 

He has destroyed us he destroyed HIS family. Not OUR family (my daughter and i). We have lost him... but we still have each other sooooo its really only HIS loss. I wont sink to his level, i havent yet, i have been very calm, mature and level headed when i do speak with him. I havent cried, yelled, sworn at him...nothing at all. And to be honest I havent even spoken to him about US it has all been about our child. I completely detached myself from his when i WAS contacting.

 

You've got too much to look forward to, and a beautiful daughter that depends on you, to be bitter. This has been very hard on you. Cry, it's a sad outcome after all. You are not made out of stone. Be grateful that you've survived this. Be thankful you are not living a lie. And NEVER give up. You are stronger now. More than you've ever been before. Keep getting stronger.

 

What every poster here has been trying to tell you (myself included) is that once you are able to fully process your self-worth, you'll see that this guy is beneath you. What ever merits he may have earned in the past cannot justify his actions today. It would be a disservice to your daughter and to yourself living clinging to the past. Live the present and plan for the future.

 

100% i am seeing that... like you said I was the one that created the opportunities for the happy moments we had... not him. we deserve someone that wants to make the happy moments for us...always! What i am saying is WE deserve him to realise what he is lost, for him to realise how good he had it, realise HE has lost his family due to HIS actions and WE deserve better. I want him to hurt, to regret, to hate himself thats why I want him to come back... so i can say to him NO and for him to know HE is to blame and that I have realised WE deserve better and I am thankful HE did this to make me realise that HE would have just dragged us down and there is so much love and happiness out there for someone that deserves us.

 

In regards to your NC question. Do whatever feels right to you. There is no wrong choice anymore. As long as you carry yourself with respect and never surrender your dignity, you can do no wrong from this point on.

 

I agree.. just asking WILL he come back and WILL we get to opportuinity to see him truly realise the results of his actions... I will continue NC as he is a danger to us because i dont know what he is doing, where he has been and what he is capable at the moment and until then he will not be seeing my child and i am not interested in any contact until he helps himself