Continue No Contact?

[Ralph79]

He has destroyed us he destroyed HIS family. Not OUR family (my daughter and i).

 

He destroyed the idea you had of a family with him. But he can never destroy you. Only you can do that by either letting him hurt you again, or making your life about hurting him or "justice". He's not worth it.

 

WE deserve him to realise what he is lost, for him to realise how good he had it, realise HE has lost his family due to HIS actions and WE deserve better. I want him to hurt, to regret, to hate himself thats why I want him to come back

 

You deserve to be happy and a life free of suffering. However you do not deserve the right to make others suffer, no matter how badly they have treated you. At least I don't believe in that type of justice. You gain nothing by his suffering. There is nothing you could gain through payback, that you can't achieve on your own accord living a happy life.

 

WILL he come back and WILL we get to opportuinity to see him truly realise the results of his actions

He will. For the moment he's worried about the girl, his drugs, and not going to jail. Eventually he'll seek temporary stability again and come knocking down your door. And in regards to seeing the results of his actions, I'll share this phrase I've heard: The best measure of revenge on someone who has betrayed you is personal success.

[ally2015]

You deserve to be happy and a life free of suffering. However you do not deserve the right to make others suffer, no matter how badly they have treated you. At least I don't believe in that type of justice. You gain nothing by his suffering. There is nothing you could gain through payback, that you can't achieve on your own accord living a happy life.

 

Yeah i know what you mean... i just want him to like actually give a s*** because he hasnt yet. I know it sounds bad when i say i want him to suffer.. but in saying that he would be suffering due to his own actions. Ive done nothing, our 18 month old has done nothing. So HE is the only one he can blame. Ive given him no amo against me, all i have done is carry on providing for our child, giving her love and building a stable life for her. I know i gain nothing from him feeling like s*** and having regret BUT for me it is about him appreciating what he HAD and knowing HE will never have it again.

 

 

He will. For the moment he's worried about the girl, his drugs, and not going to jail. Eventually he'll seek temporary stability again and come knocking down your door. And in regards to seeing the results of his actions, I'll share this phrase I've heard: The best measure of revenge on someone who has betrayed you is personal success.

 

Yes very true a positive in that is.. ive had my number changed and i am hoping to have my own place within 2 months and he will NOT be told where i have moved to. So when he wants to come knocking he will have no where to go... and cant call me 100000s of times... can only contact me via email. Which i sure those 2 things will drive him nuts because there is no easy access but too bad. I agree... the best revenge i can have against him doing all of this to us... is for us to prove we are fine, we are happy, we are a family, we are achieving the goals we set without him and we are doing it all on our own.. whereas he has nothing.

[Ralph79]

i just want him to like actually give a s*** because he hasnt yet.

 

it is about him appreciating what he HAD and knowing HE will never have it again.

 

He doesn't matter. Read your posts. All 50+ of them. Think how much time you've invested talking about him already in general (not just on these forums). Upsetting yourself over his lack of remorse, is like being angry because it keeps raining. The rain will eventually stop. There's no need to waste energy worrying or being upset about it until it happens. It will happen. And he will eventually feel like sh.t over his whole life.

 

Don't you think it's time your mind dropped this guy as the main character in the story of your life?

 

Now, everything is relatively recent. It's ok to feel what you are feeling. It's ok to feel hate right now. In fact is a healthy feeling to protect you from his BS. Just don't let it overtake you, that's all.

 

we are happy, we are a family, we are achieving the goals we set without him and we are doing it all on our own.. whereas he has nothing.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[ally2015]

He doesn't matter. Read your posts. All 50+ of them. Think how much time you've invested talking about him already in general (not just on these forums). Upsetting yourself over his lack of remorse, is like being angry because it keeps raining. The rain will eventually stop. There's no need to waste energy worrying or being upset about it until it happens. It will happen. And he will eventually feel like sh.t over his whole life.

 

Don't you think it's time your mind dropped this guy as the main character in the story of your life?

 

I agree but it is so consuming! im so frustrated with the whole situation but i guess it is out of my control but i can control what i do each day and hopefully each day i care less and less.... i think once all of the court process is over things will be a bit better as i know i wont HAVE to see him.

 

I REALLLY appreciate all of your advice honestly! Wish i could like do something to repay you

[Ralph79]

I agree but it is so consuming! im so frustrated with the whole situation but i guess it is out of my control but i can control what i do each day and hopefully each day i care less and less

 

Yeah. Believe me I know. At least you are KNOW that his life has turned to crap. Others like myself had to wonder how much greater their ex's life had gotten, and our imagination can be very cruel to us sometimes, because I never wanted to find out. Fortunately I stopped giving a damn. But yeah ... it takes time , so I don't blame you.

 

I REALLLY appreciate all of your advice honestly! Wish i could like do something to repay you

 

You already have. The fact that we posters who suffered similar fates, know that we somehow helped you get stronger, is a reward in itself.

[ally2015]

Yeah. Believe me I know. At least you are KNOW that his life has turned to crap. Others like myself had to wonder how much greater their ex's life had gotten, and our imagination can be very cruel to us sometimes, because I never wanted to find out. Fortunately I stopped giving a damn. But yeah ... it takes time , so I don't blame you.

 

Well i dont actually know his life is crap or will be crap... i often think what like is he actually happier without his family in his life like he has said... i don't know anything really... but assuming i am correct about the drugs, this young girl and some form of mental issue going on i think his life will be crap. And in saying that a life without your family, 2 people you truly loved and they loved you can't be very fufilling?

 

 

You already have. The fact that we posters who suffered similar fates, know that we somehow helped you get stronger, is a reward in itself.

 

you seem like a wonderful person and it sucks you were taken for granted

[Ralph79]

Believe me. Anyone addicted to drugs has an awful life in the long run. He might be happier without you now. But he will be miserable with himself at some point if he keeps this up.

 

And thanks once again for the sentiment. I'm party to blame because I overestimated my ability to overcome any hardships. Marriage is serious business, and I assumed she thought the same. As you already know yourself, some problems, are really out of our hands and can't be fixed.

[ally2015]

I cant understand how he says he is happy in his life now....when his daughter isnt apart of his life? Its just so sad. but with drug use it can make them not care about anything or anyone other then themselves and also if there are mental health issues as well... its just heartbreaking that he doesnt even care about his own flesh and blood but in saying that it shows that HE has serious issues. And ultimately its his loss.

 

it is sad when marriage doesnt count for anything because people just take that commitment for granted and go into marriage with the attitude of well if it doesnt work out i can just get divorced which is just utter bull****

[Ralph79]

I cant understand how he says he is happy in his life now....when his daughter isnt apart of his life? Its just so sad. but with drug use it can make them not care about anything or anyone other then themselves and also if there are mental health issues as well... its just heartbreaking that he doesnt even care about his own flesh and blood but in saying that it shows that HE has serious issues. And ultimately its his loss.

 

it is sad when marriage doesnt count for anything because people just take that commitment for granted and go into marriage with the attitude of well if it doesnt work out i can just get divorced which is just utter bull****

 

My advice is, start a new thread on the Parenting sub-forum here on LS.

 

Ask things like:

 

What challenges can I expect as a single mother in the near future?

How can I prepare myself better?

Any advice on things I might be caught off-guard on?

What do I tell my child as soon as he starts asking for her father?

etc...

 

There are so many answers and tips you could be getting here, towards a more productive goal, instead of still dwelling on your eX on this thread.

 

If you feel you need to get things off your chest, then by all means, please continue. But also use these boards to get some productive feedback, not just to vent out in frustration. Occupy your mind on something positive, and you'll have less time to think of negative things.

[ally2015]

My advice is, start a new thread on the Parenting sub-forum here on LS.

 

Yes i have just joinned a single parenting forum on a different page to get tips on that aspect of things. For IF and WHEN he decides to start being a parent.

 

 

If you feel you need to get things off your chest, then by all means, please continue. But also use these boards to get some productive feedback, not just to vent out in frustration. Occupy your mind on something positive, and you'll have less time to think of negative things.

 

I think im struggling a lot because we do have a child... i feel that family pull towards him. I stupidly just watched a slideshow of our daughters first year, balled my eyes out looking back at us as a family, the great memories we had created. Its just so sad that he has just thrown it all away... for what 6 months of fun with a young girl, drugs... when he could have been here with someone that loves him, watching his daughter achieve new things everyday, being a family and by now we would have had our first home. Its just SAD!

 

He will regret itand guarnteed when he returns he will use 'family and our child' as a way to guilt me back... saying i want to be a family, i want her to have her parents together... and i will just say... yeah i wanted that too but then you f***ed it up so dont try guilt me into it making me feel bad because if it wasnt for you we would be a family! For the rest of my life regardless with what happens he is the father of my child so i will ALWAYS have a bond and connection with him and have that pull because we were a family.

 

You see it all the time and i have A LOT actually pretty much all of my friends and family that have split with the dad or the dad left... they always end up coming back at some point and in most of my friends cases they have split after the 1st child and now are having there 3rd or 4th child with the same father and they have been in terrible situations... also have family member that have gotten divorced then are back together now happier then ever!! That spins me out.. things have to be unfixable and must not love one another to go as far as a finalised divorced...so HOW can they get back together later on? Crazy but it happens A LOT! IF i did take him back which is highly unlikely i do NOT want to do the back and forth relationship... ill give it 1 go and after that ill say well clearly its not meant to be... and HE shouldnt be the one to stuff it up because he should take it as his 1 shot and golden opportuinity to have his family and appreciate everything as he knows what it is like to lose us

[ally2015]

Can I ask your opinion...

 

WHY has he cut contact with me?

 

Ive done absolutely nothing to him (i havent even went off at him about what he has done) I am just finding it hard to understand his logic regarding anything.... but in saying that... there most likely isnt any as he is clearly on drugs along with all of the other issues...

 

We have a child together and he is making no contact... how does that seem like a good idea in any way shape or form? i am just so frustrated... i just want to message him and be like sooooo is this the life you are choosing for yourself... if so please legally relinquish your rights and never contact us ever. Otherwise basically What the F*** are you doing!?

 

i know actions speak louder then words...but id rather hear the words then silence... its just BS! I am seeing him this week and dreading it! if he attempts to speak to me i will be so tempted to basically punch him in the face with words... but i think a more effective method would be saying "im not interested in speaking to you" or ignoring him all together. IF he asks about our child... i will say "im not interested in speaking to you, If you want to know about your child you know my email address. that is the only way i want to speak to you regarding her" and if he continues i will just ignore or say leave me alone.

 

Do you think this is the best way to deal with him IF he does attempt to speak to me...

[Ralph79]

WHY has he cut contact with me?

 

We have a child together and he is making no contact... how does that seem like a good idea in any way shape or form?

 

Ally,

 

These are bad questions. And like I said, life is going to give you a crummy answer. But I'll give it my best shot to help you find a good one.

 

He's cut contact with you because YOU have wronged him. It's your fault he's facing possible Jail Time, because you pushed him too far and then overreacted. It's your fault he can't see his own daughter in peace. It's your fault he has no other solution other than drugs. It's your fault.

 

That is what is probably going through his mind in some way, shape or form. What you perceive as irrational, spiteful behavior... others , like himself, who find themselves being the problem in question, see it as necessary and justifiable actions, that only they understand.

 

You should instead ask yourself: What must I do to avoid concerning myself with his NC.?

 

Have you gone out jogging early morning?

Have you gone out with friends more often?

Have you made an effort to establish friendships with kindhearted parents whose children might prove a great influence on yours?

 

I mean start working on things that might help you distract yourself.

 

Learn new recipes.

Go swimming

Read a productive book.

Read the news.

 

There are so many things going on in the world right this very second, that makes the importance of your BF's silence really insignificant. Involve yourself to know what these things are. So that you too see how insignificant his childish behavior is, in the overall scope of your life.

 

But really try. It won't do you any good to just procrastinate and never get around doing new things.

 

Do you think this is the best way to deal with him IF he does attempt to speak to me...

This a good question.

 

Ally, do what you must. Sometimes it's necessary to take a chance. Maybe he'll come around if you talk to him. Or maybe, like we all suspect, he'll break your heart even more. We just want to spare it anymore pain. I think it's suffered enough.

 

There is no best way to deal with him, in my opinion. Simply be yourself. Do what your heart tells you. I'll only point out one last time,

 

a) He used drugs behind your back when things were blissful

b) He broke a window because he was raging.

c) He's sleeping with a 19 year old

d) He abandoned you and his daughter

 

If you still love him, then talk to him. We can't describe to anyone what being burned feels like until they put themselves in the fire. Maybe just need to do the same.

[ally2015]

Ally,

 

He's cut contact with you because YOU have wronged him. It's your fault he's facing possible Jail Time, because you pushed him too far and then overreacted. It's your fault he can't see his own daughter in peace. It's your fault he has no other solution other than drugs. It's your fault.

 

This is exactly how he and his family are thinking... he is a victim and its utter f***ing bull****. HE has caused ALL of this!!! It is not my fault and it annoys me that people think this way... its right in front of there faces.

 

1. He is facing criminal charges because HE smashed in the front door holding our child. I didnt make him smash the door, AND if he would have been honest about why he was leaving i would have never taken his phone and the whole incident never would have happened. So HIS fault. And i called the police as he put our child in danger.

 

2.He cant see his daughter in peace because he isnt stable clearly shown through his actions. You dont make any contact for 1 month and expect me to hand her over when he has never had her on his own before. I dont trust him at all and why would i with the way he has behaved. I have told him that if he wanted to see her he just had to ask...yet he didnt. not 1 message when she was sick in hospital, not one message about anything regarding her... which makes me think is the no contact really anything to do with me... or is it the drugs etc... taking hold where he doesnt care about anything... hate me all you want with no merit but you dont just give up on your kid... thats no normal.

 

3. Drugs are not my fault at all! He makes his own choices.... i did nothing to push him to this point... he did all of it and he did try to blame me for it and i wouldnt take it because i was nothing but a loving and supportive partner... im not trying to say i was the perfect fiance, but i did all i possibly could for him and more. And i honestly believe he will never find anything that comes close to comparing to what i gave him.

 

What you perceive as irrational, spiteful behavior... others , like himself, who find themselves being the problem in question, see it as necessary and justifiable actions, that only they understand.

 

I perceive his actions as a scared little boy that got caught out trying to have the best of both worlds and got caught... so avoid avoid avoid... out of sight out of mind kind of mentality. Then throw in the drugs which just mentally f*** you up... make you not care about literally anything. Like even if i had done the worst thing in the world to him he would still love me... you cant just turn that off like we were engaged... you cant just go bang im done i dont care about her etc... doesnt work like that. he is just doing all he can to deflect the blame off himself to make him feel better about what he is doing... but who even knows he obviously has mental health issues as well as drugs as well as bloody everything else!

 

You should instead ask yourself: What must I do to avoid concerning myself with his NC.?

 

All of the things you have said I am literally doing them all haha... i am focusing on moving on and bettering our lives without him in it BUT the questions regarding him are still there and it drives you insane trying to figure it out...

 

The people ive spoken to (lawyers, police etc...) have said his behavior isnt normal, not logical and basically he is digging himself deeper and deeper... ruining any chances he has of appearing as a good father, getting time alone with his child, basically everything him and his family have done up until this point has actually worked against him in every way and is benefitting me. Which is fantastic if we end up in a custody battle. And the fact that they dont see that just shows how dellusional and f***ed they are. And when he actually cares about what he is doing IF he does... it will be too late and he will have stacked all the card in my favor.

 

 

We just want to spare it anymore pain. I think it's suffered enough.

I will be VERY guarded when it comes to him and i will stick to my boundaries and stand my ground for myself and my child. i dont want to get hurt or sucked back in and pulled down with him

 

There is no best way to deal with him, in my opinion. Simply be yourself. Do what your heart tells you. I'll only point out one last time,

 

a) He used drugs behind your back when things were blissful

b) He broke a window because he was raging.

c) He's sleeping with a 19 year old

d) He abandoned you and his daughter

 

If you still love him, then talk to him. We can't describe to anyone what being burned feels like until they put themselves in the fire. Maybe just need to do the same.

 

 

I am TOO nice of a person and this is my issue and i feel that IF and WHEN he comes back this will be his way to pull me back in. Appeal to that side of me because he knows the person i am as i havent changed and i wont allow him to change who i am. If it were upto me i would be contacting him because i am worried about him and i do love him. well i love the old him... I know what he has done is absolutely beyond disgusting so i think i will just do the whole im not interested in speaking to you or being anywhere near you. i feel that will be most effective when dealing with him at the moment..

[Ralph79]

it annoys me that people think this way

You can't control what people think. Specially if its his circle of friends and family. Concentrate on your own life and actions with your peers. The people that matter to you. You have to accept that you can't impose your reality on everyone. Let him live his lie with his social circle. Getting frustrated because they can't see your point of view is futile and dumb.

 

i honestly believe he will never find anything that comes close to comparing to what i gave him.

Don't think this way. There's nothing wrong with a little pride, but to think you are the best he could ever aspire to, makes you look conceited. It's perfectly ok to say "I deserve better", "I want more", "I could do better". It's not ok to say "He can't do better", "I'm the best he will ever get". Never put limits on other people for the sake of your pride.

 

Like even if i had done the worst thing in the world to him he would still love me...

Wrong. You are assuming his level of conviction and yours are the same. He could very well be a man who doesn't take accountability for his actions regardless of drugs. He could be a terrible husband for you. Just because you would do things 1 way, because it would be the righteous way to act, you are mistakenly ASSUMING he would have acted the same way.

 

He's showing you the type of man he is, and yet you still don't get it. You still can't understand it.

 

Why is he NC you? Why is he doing all of this? What gives him the right to think he's doing the correct thing? Because he's a douche bag. That is what everyone keeps telling you. Just because you had a VERY brief moment in which he acted nobly (to a point, he was doing drugs behind your back anyway), you assume he would have conducted himself this way the rest of his life. He's not going to. And it has nothing to do with drugs. I hope you see that. This is who he really is. The guy who you knew was an illusion. A fake. If you want to convince him and yourself in order to relive a fantasy , go ahead.

 

I am TOO nice of a person and this is my issue and i feel that IF and WHEN he comes back this will be his way to pull me back in.

I'm going to suggest you rethink everything about your relationship from scratch. Saying you are too nice of a person is not good. People who say they are TOO nice, means they believe they are being undeservedly nicer to others. People that are too nice usually put their significant others on a pedestal, for their own sake.

 

This guy is clearly not good for you. You know he's not good for you. Yet you are mentally preparing yourself to continue the relationship because "You love him". I'm sorry but I get the feeling you have no idea what love is then.

 

I apologize if I seem harsh, but there has got to be a way to get through to you. lol

[ally2015]

Let him live his lie with his social circle. Getting frustrated because they can't see your point of view is futile and dumb.

 

i get frustrated because what he is doing is wrong and its right in front of there face yet he is the victim? Like you had a fiance and family a week ago now you have a gf and dont see your kid.. oh ok cool.. i just find that a joke!

 

Never put limits on other people for the sake of your pride.

 

i know id sound like i think im stuck up etc. . But i know of his past relationships and that i was better suited to him in all ways abd treated him the best he ever had been. I gave my everything to him and was a great girlfriend, i deserved a lot better and im realising that more and more. I guess what im saying is for me there is nothing more i could have done for him. .i went over and beyond for him and he took it for granted thats why i guess i say he will search to fill that void.. but as you said thats his problem what i need to focus on is I and WE deserve better then him someone that appreciates and loves us

 

 

He's showing you the type of man he is, and yet you still don't get it. You still can't understand it.

 

I know im frustrating but its hard! As im sure you know!! Love isnt a light switch. I spoke to my councilor and she said itd hard because he is now someone completely different so essentially the person you know and love has died and this is the new him... she said you need to basically grieve and accept he is dead and find a way to deal with the new him... she then said he clearly has A LOT of issues and combinations of drugs thrown in as well. She said the hardest part is... the old him may actually come back and kill the new him... she said people can change if they really want to and commit to it. She said thats when its hard because you let go of the old him but now its back...and by then youve already accepted he is gone and have moved on. She is a councillor that only deals with like violence, family matters etc... and she said you see this a lot and her theory on it is... this girl is a distraction, he has hit the drugs hard in order to not feel or care about what he has done, depression and mental health are distorting his perception of reality. She said best thing to do is stay away from him continue NC and let him unravel himself and make the choices he needs to make.

 

 

This guy is clearly not good for you. You know he's not good for you. Yet you are mentally preparing yourself to continue the relationship because "You love him". I'm sorry but I get the feeling you have no idea what love is then.

 

Not at all. Everyone including yourself have said he will definitely be back for you. Im preparing myself for that because i dont want to get sucked in or f***ed over. Im preparing myself for what he may say, the guilt trips, the i love yous...which in the past id say ok. Not now. No way! He has made me stronger by doing this and i will stand up for myself and my child. I do love him and if he cant love us the same way then go away! I have a firm set of boundaries and i will stick to them... he will be told a flat out NO a million times if i have to... if he persists he will be told you need to work on you by doing 1.rehab 2.anger management 3 . Councilling 4 . Volunteer drug testing 5.i want your phone records. Thats a lot to ask but nothing less then what he needs... if he is genuine about being a family then he will do it all and if he isnt then he wont and i wont bother.. if he does do it all.... i THEN may consider me and him going out.. basically start from scratch again and in saying that after a week back together ill be like nope i don't want this and id leave. I feel a positive of all of this is if he did come back he would know that id leave and i can do it myself whereas before i doubt he thought that. He needs to understand he was a want not a need.

 

I apologize if I seem harsh, but there has got to be a way to get through to you. lol

I love your comments haha i know im frustrating but im slowly getting there. I am sure youve been through this. Can i ask why would he want to come back? Why not just keep jumping girl to girl? Everyone keeps saying he WILL 100% come back and i just think what for? Like if this is who he wants to be and he wants the carefree, drugs, do what i want lifestyle...why would you come back to your family? Thats commitment, kids marriage etc....

[Ralph79]

Look, first off I'm not frustrated. I want you to always have the freedom and liberty to express whatever you feel, regardless of what posters tell you, myself included.

 

Secondly I've noticed you posting that you still love him on other threads. That's a perfectly normal feeling at this point, but not necessarily a healthy one. But you have to stop telling yourself that you love him. That's a lie. How can you seriously be that desperate for love, to have feelings for someone who would discard you the way he's doing?

 

And lastly, he'll be back. This person is so out of touch with reality. He is seeking to sate the void he has within, through drugs, that girl, his attitude. Nothing is going to work. He will try everything. Including coming back to you thinking "Maybe this is the way to go"...

 

He will be back. Stop asking yourself why.

[ally2015]

Look, first off I'm not frustrated. I want you to always have the freedom and liberty to express whatever you feel, regardless of what posters tell you, myself included.

 

oh 100% i wasnt having a go at you haha im bloody frustrated with myself! I do so good for days then its like i go backwards! You keep me in track and i appreciate it!

 

Secondly I've noticed you posting that you still love him on other threads. That's a perfectly normal feeling at this point, but not necessarily a healthy one. But you have to stop telling yourself that you love him. That's a lie. How can you seriously be that desperate for love, to have feelings for someone who would discard you the way he's doing?

 

Im not desperate for love at all but as i keep saying... you cant just stop saying you love someone its not a switch. I know what he has done and is doing to myself and our child is absolutely disgusting and doesnt warrant my love... but its not that simple. I wish i could just say ok i dont want to love you anymore and then bamm feelings are gone. And its also hard to like comprehend that he has changed... i dont love who he is now... i love who he was and at the moment for me its like its too different people but im coming to terms that this is who he is now so hopefully the love with subside.

 

In another thread i posted about gut feelings... i dont have a gut feeling its over with me and him.. Despite me trying to get that feeling its not there. I wish it was i really do but i literally have the feelings he will be back and will continue to try to come back for the rest of my life. Hopefully not.

 

And lastly, he'll be back. This person is so out of touch with reality. He is seeking to sate the void he has within, through drugs, that girl, his attitude. Nothing is going to work. He will try everything. Including coming back to you thinking "Maybe this is the way to go"...

 

mmm... true all of these things will temporary fill the void but will wear off. He needs to get professional help like seriously that's the only way to save himself. But he needs to figure that out for himself. And once he does IF he does maybe there can be a future for us but also it may be too late. Either way i want a stable parent for my child and until he can be that he needs to be far away from us.

 

He will be back. Stop asking yourself why.

 

im just trying to think logically... but with him there is absolutely no logic so its pointless. I just have to let it play out and keep moving forward with my daughter without him

[Ruby65]

Can i ask why would he want to come back? Why not just keep jumping girl to girl? Everyone keeps saying he WILL 100% come back and i just think what for? Like if this is who he wants to be and he wants the carefree, drugs, do what i want lifestyle...why would you come back to your family? Thats commitment, kids marriage etc....

 

He would come back.... because you would allow him to.

 

It's unfortunate that you continue to see this as a romance, when you have a child who's interests are meant to come first.

 

You want to see him for who he "could be" or who he "used to be".... but someday you're going to have to start ACCEPTING who he IS. And that is not a good partner -- and a terrible father figure for your daughter.

 

The sooner you walk away, the sooner you can recover.... and find someone who will give you and your daughter what you both deserve!

[ally2015]

He would come back.... because you would allow him to.

 

First of all thank you for your reply . I wont allow him to come back... my question was asking WHY would he want to...everyone i speak to about all of this say the same thing he WILL try to come back so prepare. I just think... if your living a carefree lifestyle now, having sex with who you want, spending your money on whatever you want, doing whatever you want with no consequences WHY would you give that all up to try come back to your family?

 

It's unfortunate that you continue to see this as a romance, when you have a child who's interests are meant to come first.

 

My child's interests do come first thats why the contact he did have with her was supervised by me and then i stopped trying to make him want to see her because if he actually cared for her he would be harassing me. I will be keeping her away from him for as long as i can. he has serious issues he needs to work out before he will be allowed back into her life.

 

You want to see him for who he "could be" or who he "used to be".... but someday you're going to have to start ACCEPTING who he IS. And that is not a good partner -- and a terrible father figure for your daughter.

 

I am at the point where i am starting to deal with this... i will have a few days were im like the old him is gone and this is obviously who he is and wants to be... but then my mind starts going and i go backwards. its frustrating! like i mentioned earlier... the person i know he could have been and the good memories i do have of him as a father and partner is dead. he has made a choice and has killed that person. Now he is a drug addict, deadbeat parent, mental health issues and has abandoned his family. That is who he is now... and thats hard to accept because its sad and such a waste.

 

The sooner you walk away, the sooner you can recover.... and find someone who will give you and your daughter what you both deserve!

 

I have ultimately walked away I am in NC with him as well as him being in it with me. I am taking the steps to build a life with my daughter without him. We deserve better.

[ally2015]

Hooray I got some good news today!! I dont have to go to court this week for the avo! Police called me today and said that i am not required to come as the matter is between the police and my ex and i am basically a witness that will give evidence but that i wont be needed this week! The police said I can come but she said "dont come because he will be looking for you and waiting to see you and when you dont show up he will be like where is she?" THEN maybe he will realise the AVO has nothing to do with me and is between him and the police AND that ive done nothing wrong hence why i dont even have to go! She also said "dont give him the privilege of being anywhere near yourself or your daughter" i was like haha awesome i wont be going!

 

I still have to see him next week for mediation of our savings which i am dreading but atleast i dont have to see him this week!

[ally2015]

Another Update....

 

He went to court today.... i did not. BUT my friend was there as she also had a court hearing today... SO she saw him.... WITH his girlfriend.... haha. She is in her mid 40s.... but 3 weeks ago he was seen with a 19 year old girl.... SOOOO not sure what the hell is going on there... maybe he is cheating on his 45 year old "girlfriend". YUCK no offence... .but he is 25... a 20 year difference on the rebound... YUCK!

 

I actually laughed when my friend told me.. and i felt really good about myself... is that weird? i felt like he has taken a MASSIVE MASSIVE step backwards and will soon see the grass isnt greener at all. i thought it would upset me.... but i actually find it funny and a bit sad. my friend at first thought she was his mum!

 

That same friend has from day 1 said "he wont come back.. dont expect anything..." Today... he mind was changed... she said "he will 100000 million per cent come back... and he will try to for the rest of his life" His main girlfriend is almost 50... and he is obviously off with other girls as well trying to fill the void which only you can fill! i was like i dont care... its disgusting! haha just thought id share.... is this like normal?

[Ralph79]

Another Update....

 

He went to court today.... i did not. BUT my friend was there as she also had a court hearing today... SO she saw him.... WITH his girlfriend.... haha. She is in her mid 40s.... but 3 weeks ago he was seen with a 19 year old girl.... SOOOO not sure what the hell is going on there... maybe he is cheating on his 45 year old "girlfriend". YUCK no offence... .but he is 25... a 20 year difference on the rebound... YUCK!

 

I actually laughed when my friend told me.. and i felt really good about myself... is that weird? i felt like he has taken a MASSIVE MASSIVE step backwards and will soon see the grass isnt greener at all. i thought it would upset me.... but i actually find it funny and a bit sad. my friend at first thought she was his mum!

 

That same friend has from day 1 said "he wont come back.. dont expect anything..." Today... he mind was changed... she said "he will 100000 million per cent come back... and he will try to for the rest of his life" His main girlfriend is almost 50... and he is obviously off with other girls as well trying to fill the void which only you can fill! i was like i dont care... its disgusting! haha just thought id share.... is this like normal?

 

I'll repeat my statement:

 

"And lastly, he'll be back. This person is so out of touch with reality. He is seeking to sate the void he has within, through drugs, that girl, his attitude. Nothing is going to work. He will try everything. Including coming back to you thinking "Maybe this is the way to go"..."

 

Now add that other girl to the list of thing's he is willing to try. Who cares when he sees if the grass is greener to be honest.

 

Don't you have a deal breaker? Is there anything this man can do that you will finally deem unforgivable?

[ally2015]

 

Now add that other girl to the list of thing's he is willing to try. Who cares when he sees if the grass is greener to be honest.

 

I agree... i just find it disgusting haha. He is doing exactly as you said. I dont care when he realises that what he is looking for he already had. As i said before all i want from him is the emotional breakdown essentially. ..that sounds awful but i want him to realise that HE caused all of this to happen... he could of had his family and be loved and happy but HE f***ed it up. I want him to feel that pain because he hasnt even dealt with losing his family or any of what he is done yet!

 

Don't you have a deal breaker? Is there anything this man can do that you will finally deem unforgivable?

 

100% everything he is doing is unforgivable! But abandoning his daughter is the point of no return and thats even for him being a major part of her life. Yes he has A LOT of contributing factors going on BUT there is no excuse for hurting a child like that. As ive said... i only want him to try come back so i can tell him no and he will have to live with the regret and the void that he is trying to fill right now...that only me and my child can fill

[Ralph79]

As ive said... i only want him to try come back so i can tell him no and he will have to live with the regret and the void that he is trying to fill right now...that only me and my child can fill

 

See, this is a problem. I can understand the fact that you are going through transitioning feelings. Love-Heartbreak-Despair-Longing-Hatred-Acceptance-Indifference.

 

It's not a general rule, I might have missed a few steps, or messed up the order, but my point is, you shouldn't concern yourself with his fate anymore. You have enough to worry about on your shoulders with your child.

 

Don't be that bitter person that's awaiting the opportunity to lash back. Pity the man and move on. Everything about him is detrimental to your lifestyle at this very moment. Look at what you just typed. Is that the type of woman you have allowed him to make you? Just move on. He's not worth giving yourself to bitterness for.

[ally2015]

 

Don't be that bitter person that's awaiting the opportunity to lash back. Pity the man and move on. Everything about him is detrimental to your lifestyle at this very moment. Look at what you just typed. Is that the type of woman you have allowed him to make you? Just move on. He's not worth giving yourself to bitterness for.

 

I understand what your saying BUT at the same time i think my daughter and I deserve for him to say he is sorry, for him to care that he destroyed his chance of being a family, for him to you know have the normal feelings you should have when a relationship ends! As i said i know it sounds awful but he has put us through it all so why shouldn't he have to go through it to.