Simon Phoenix Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am not looking for any direct answer to this question, but how do you love yourself? I see many people talking about self-respect and self-esteem. I know how to work on that, but self-love? I think self-love just sounds like a mix of self-esteem and self-respect. It pretty much is -- I just get sick of saying the other two Honestly, it's all about setting a standard for yourself of who you are, what you want, how you conduct yourself and how you expect others to treat you. It's basically valuing yourself to the point where you aren't dependent on another person, especially to the point where you lose your own identity. Not sure if that's a particularly helpful answer or what you were looking for. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks everyone. I thought of the advice I got here while I was talking to her. Especially when she told me that I like being hurt, and being the victim. I want to ask her about how to handle my repetitive thoughts and how to accept the relationship is over. I believe it's over right now, but I'm still on a cloud because I'm having a good day. This feeling definitely won't last forever. I'm still thinking of her, but am thinking of me a bit more. My counselor seems to want me on the fast track to meeting new people. She told me that I was an "easy boyfriend" and that's why my ex was able to abuse me the way she did. I never thought I'd be someone who was "abused" in a relationship, but in some ways maybe I was. There were plenty of red flags, but I didn't respect myself enough to leave. She really was my security blanket. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am not looking for any direct answer to this question, but how do you love yourself? Yes. People throw this term around a lot. Actually, I find it is a very hard thing to identify and practice. I can go into what I have learned more if you want, but one of the single biggest pieces of this work is self-acceptance. I mean true self-acceptance. And, if you're like me and many others, this is a foreign idea. Sure, many people claim they practice this, but in reality, it can be very challenging based on your upbringing, any traumatic events and many, many other things! But, it's a good place to start. Seems like from your threads you also struggle with this. There is a book called Radical Self-Acceptance by Tara Branch. Worth a read. Of course all of this stuff ties in completely with Dr Glovers work. But I won't keep preaching about that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 She told me that I was an "easy boyfriend" and that's why my ex was able to abuse me the way she did. I never thought I'd be someone who was "abused" in a relationship, but in some ways maybe I was. There were plenty of red flags, but I didn't respect myself enough to leave. She really was my security blanket. Don't forget, you co-create relationships with others. You train people how to treat you!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JollyDays Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 NA...brah...I feel like you are the St. Louis Cardinals of 1985. They almost had it (World Series title) in game 6, got screwed over by a certain ump, lost the game in the bottom of the 9th, and were thrashed in Game 7 by the score of 11-0!! I bring this analogy to you, because during that game---oh around the 6th inning, when K.C. was piling it on---the Cardinals MELTED DOWN!! A Cardinals pitcher was ejected, and their manager. What I'm saying to you is that she's Kansas City, you're St. Louis, you're down 11-0 to her, and you're melting down badly!! Let it go, and look forward to next season and winning over a new lady. I've been there man, and it's not worth it. As someone mentioned, when you're ready to face reality, you'll heal. Link to post Share on other sites
smellysocksuni Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Hey - have been dipping in and out of this thread... there is some real good advice on self-love and acceptance in here, really good. This is a good quote - “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 I woke up not feeling as good as I did yesterday, but I slept the latest that I have since the breakup. (maybe that's a good thing?) I don't feel miserable, and I'm feeling like I am closer to blocking her number for good. Every day that I don't hear from her, I get angry that she isn't reaching out. If she isn't reaching out, then blocking her shouldn't be a problem. I was convinced that she would reach out because I saw one of her closer friends yesterday, and thought he'd tell her that he saw me. I thought that would make her think of me and reach out. I obviously still have a lot of work to do when it comes to these stupid thoughts.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Even if she does reach out, that's not going to solve the problems that are there. She is doing the best thing for you by letting you go so you can heal. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilTears Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Hey - have been dipping in and out of this thread... there is some real good advice on self-love and acceptance in here, really good. This is a good quote - “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” I'm saving that quote and I will be reading it every day. Thanks for sharing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I had my first counseling appointment today, and I learned a lot. She said a lot of the things everyone here has been telling me, but it sticks a bit more hearing it in person I guess. She told me that I like to be hurt/be the victim, I don't love myself, I'm not my own person, that she was my security blanket. I was never able to meet people, because I was comfortable with her, and only doing things with her. She made me realize that I beat myself up too much, and have to give myself a break because it was my first relationship. When she asked me to list positive qualities about my ex, I didn't come up with much. I had plenty of negatives to mention though. She told me that she believes that my ex wasn't really "in love" with me, but "in love" with having a boyfriend. That's her problem, and my counselor also thinks I should never go back to her. She told me that I dodged a bullet lol. She also is going to push me to meet new people, and get involved with clubs on campus. I feel good right now. Before I left, I asked her if she thought I should text her (I was being serious). The look she gave me was priceless. Wow, the bold sounds awfully familiar. Where have I heard this before? I agree with her saying that you didn't meet new people because you were comfortable with her and that she was your security blanket. Because, I did the same thing. When I was dumped, I had made my Ex my entire world. It took a friend of mine dragging me away for an extended weekend away from home and seeing new things and meeting new people that I had an epiphany. My ex wasn't my world, me going out and doing things and experiencing new things was the world and the world is a pretty big place with lots of different places, different people and different cultures. And I got the bug to go meet them. I realized my Ex wasn't the world. She was only a small part of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Wow, the bold sounds awfully familiar. Where have I heard this before? I agree with her saying that you didn't meet new people because you were comfortable with her and that she was your security blanket. Because, I did the same thing. When I was dumped, I had made my Ex my entire world. It took a friend of mine dragging me away for an extended weekend away from home and seeing new things and meeting new people that I had an epiphany. My ex wasn't my world, me going out and doing things and experiencing new things was the world and the world is a pretty big place with lots of different places, different people and different cultures. And I got the bug to go meet them. I realized my Ex wasn't the world. She was only a small part of it. When the ex that brought me here dumped me, I had just moved to a new area and she was the only person I really knew. I had one friend who lived 30-45 minutes away, but besides that I didn't have anyone really to fall back on that was local. I've moved around a lot and am used to making friends in new places, so it wasn't something I hadn't done before. But still, I remember sitting there thinking "f*ck, I guess I better make some friends now." Ended up going to a bar I had started hanging out at, sometimes with her, sometimes without her. I started chillin there, talking to the bartenders and whoever else came in. Ended up making some good friends through that and even started hanging out with some of the bartenders off the clock. Now, even when there's nothing going on, I can roll in there and get free drinks. Either way, there's no downside to getting yourself out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 It gives me hope when I read stories about people moving on from their breakup without their ex. I feel like I need a friend to make friends, and I'm lacking that friend to go do stuff with. She was that friend for me. I went places and did things because I had her with me. It made whatever I was doing "okay". She has no trouble making friends, and never needed me like I needed her. She's blessed with an ability to make friends. Not all of the friends she makes absolutely love her, but it seems like she's always got someone to talk to. I'm thinking about her too much today. I was feeling so good after going to counseling, but today the hopeless feelings, and the missing her badly returns. I feel alone again today. The reality that she is gone forever is punching me in the gut. I don't have urges to do anything stupid. I'm just hurting right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It gives me hope when I read stories about people moving on from their breakup without their ex. I feel like I need a friend to make friends, and I'm lacking that friend to go do stuff with. She was that friend for me. I went places and did things because I had her with me. It made whatever I was doing "okay". She has no trouble making friends, and never needed me like I needed her. She's blessed with an ability to make friends. Not all of the friends she makes absolutely love her, but it seems like she's always got someone to talk to. I'm thinking about her too much today. I was feeling so good after going to counseling, but today the hopeless feelings, and the missing her badly returns. I feel alone again today. The reality that she is gone forever is punching me in the gut. I don't have urges to do anything stupid. I'm just hurting right now. Be active, not passive. That's your main deal -- you just sit around and mope. These feelings are going to happen, but you need to draw inspiration from them, not just sit around and let them pummel you. I will say I'm glad you don't have any contact impulses -- that is a sign of progress. But still, instead of waiting for things to happen, you have to make them happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I felt one of those self destructive urges coming on, so I went for a run. I tried to tell myself reassuring things like "You deserve to be happy" "You're a good catch" "You can't change the past". It helped a bit, but then the thoughts of her came back. I'd say I successfully got rid of the stupid urges, but I haven't gotten rid of the feeling like crap. I still miss her and want to hear from her already. Link to post Share on other sites
NC-Thomas Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I felt one of those self destructive urges coming on, so I went for a run. I tried to tell myself reassuring things like "You deserve to be happy" "You're a good catch" "You can't change the past". It helped a bit, but then the thoughts of her came back. I'd say I successfully got rid of the stupid urges, but I haven't gotten rid of the feeling like crap. I still miss her and want to hear from her already. Keep given yourself those positive reaffirmations, you're doing good! Ask yourself this, would hearing from her be something positive? All it did to me was sting me along, taking my healing process even longer. Keep running! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I felt one of those self destructive urges coming on, so I went for a run. I tried to tell myself reassuring things like "You deserve to be happy" "You're a good catch" "You can't change the past". It helped a bit, but then the thoughts of her came back. I'd say I successfully got rid of the stupid urges, but I haven't gotten rid of the feeling like crap. I still miss her and want to hear from her already. Well, you're winning one battle at least. Keep grinding and you'll win more. Link to post Share on other sites
Stercrazy Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Getting through a breakup is a marathon not a sprint. Keep running! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Situasian Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Hey Na, keep it up mate, me and u in a similar boat like i said. Today wasn't a good today for me but it does get better just keep going man you'll get there! Have you tried to get an iphone hypnoses app and listen to that every night before you go to bed, might make you sleep better in the long run! Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I woke up this morning really missing her. No stupid urges, just really missing her. I guess I just have to go through these feelings, and hopefully they will hurt less with time. Link to post Share on other sites
fancy feast Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) It gives me hope when I read stories about people moving on from their breakup without their ex. I feel like I need a friend to make friends, and I'm lacking that friend to go do stuff with. She was that friend for me. I went places and did things because I had her with me. It made whatever I was doing "okay". She has no trouble making friends, and never needed me like I needed her. She's blessed with an ability to make friends. Not all of the friends she makes absolutely love her, but it seems like she's always got someone to talk to. I'm thinking about her too much today. I was feeling so good after going to counseling, but today the hopeless feelings, and the missing her badly returns. I feel alone again today. The reality that she is gone forever is punching me in the gut. I don't have urges to do anything stupid. I'm just hurting right now. You need to join some intramural sports teams at your college. You're obviously athletic if you run often, and this will easily solve your problems with not having opportunities to meet people. There's very likely a bulletin board or something at your student union that advertises things like this so go check it out TODAY. Go do it. Be proactive. You don't have to feel alone, and you don't have to keep agonizing over this. Take a big step forward today. Edited February 28, 2015 by fancy feast Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 ^^^ Totally agree. Co-ed sports (on or off campus) is a great way to realize there are other, fun people to be around. I always liked the less-competitive leagues. More of a social event and fun, without out super-aggressive people!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I have been running, but I don't consider myself to be athletic. I was out for most of the day, and came home feeling like crap. I am having those urges again, and feel like I might crack and just check her Facebook to make sure she's completely over me. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Run, Forest... Run!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dontexpect Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Hang in there, na! I know you can do it. It is great that you are seeing a counselor. I think you should continue seeing her, if it helps you. We all have our good days and bad days. Be kind to yourself and, at the same time, be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Seriously... Run!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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