georgia girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Jesuischarlie, There's a lot of anger in your posts and I suspect its because this recent breakup is very new and as you said, you are very hurt. Also, his wife may or may not be following you. Like you've also said, you and her husband had a relationship for seven years. So, even if its now over - though you are still meeting up - I'm sure she's in the "trust but verify" stage. She's probably following you as much as she's following him. The bigger point is you, your hurt and where you go from here. I think it's best, really, if you're trying to heal to stay away from both of them. The more you stay away from him and their life normalizes, I think she'll be more likely to leave you alone. But if she doesn't and it really bothers you, then take the high road. Stop her, be kind and say something to the effect of, "I know you know who I am and I'm sorry for your hurt. I'm also hurting very badly too. Can we not talk? I'm afraid we will both do and say things we will - or won't - regret." Then, just walk away. As for moving on, it hurts. I've never been in an affair, but I've had my share of broken hearts. Start each day as one day only without him. I used to plan one special thing I could do each day to make myself happy and focus on just getting to that point in the evening. Some days, that was all I had to hang on to. Eventually, you will heal - we all do. And we all live to love again. Sometimes its the love we lost that makes us ready for the love of our life. And then, that's when you'll have your revenge. Remember, the best revenge is living well. At that point, you will be happy and whole and living the life you've dreamed of. They may be together, apart, some semblance of happy or not. But, you will be just where you always wanted to be. Hugs, GG 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesuischarlie Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Ikr? Describes jesuischarlie to a T. Meow.. He doesn't want his wife. Why are you do bitter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesuischarlie Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Jesuischarlie, There's a lot of anger in your posts and I suspect its because this recent breakup is very new and as you said, you are very hurt. Also, his wife may or may not be following you. Like you've also said, you and her husband had a relationship for seven years. So, even if its now over - though you are still meeting up - I'm sure she's in the "trust but verify" stage. She's probably following you as much as she's following him. The bigger point is you, your hurt and where you go from here. I think it's best, really, if you're trying to heal to stay away from both of them. The more you stay away from him and their life normalizes, I think she'll be more likely to leave you alone. But if she doesn't and it really bothers you, then take the high road. Stop her, be kind and say something to the effect of, "I know you know who I am and I'm sorry for your hurt. I'm also hurting very badly too. Can we not talk? I'm afraid we will both do and say things we will - or won't - regret." Then, just walk away. As for moving on, it hurts. I've never been in an affair, but I've had my share of broken hearts. Start each day as one day only without him. I used to plan one special thing I could do each day to make myself happy and focus on just getting to that point in the evening. Some days, that was all I had to hang on to. Eventually, you will heal - we all do. And we all live to love again. Sometimes its the love we lost that makes us ready for the love of our life. And then, that's when you'll have your revenge. Remember, the best revenge is living well. At that point, you will be happy and whole and living the life you've dreamed of. They may be together, apart, some semblance of happy or not. But, you will be just where you always wanted to be. Hugs, GG Thank you) - : sob 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesuischarlie Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 frankly, after reading all the op's replies, i can understand why mm chose to stay with his wife. Her complete lack of empathy for the woman whose life she helped tear apart is frightening. this is about ow not bs!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 He left it when he fell in love with me. I would rather he was with me in his heart than just an empty shell. Wow lots of bitterness here. Do you think you can beat your demons by beating me? You won't. Chile please. I wasn't even talking about you in that post. The bitter thing is tired excuse for an insult. I am not bitter. I will call it as I see it. I don't coddle. Which is exactly whAt some people need. And what's wrong with bitterness and anger? It's a normal human reaction. I don't think someone can heal fully until they've let themselves feel those emotions. Insulting it makes you look childish. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Meow.. He doesn't want his wife. Why are you do bitter? But his actions show otherwise. He's chosen to stay married to her after the Dday. Why didn't he choose to leave afterwards and file for divorce? He very could be lying to you about it all and making it seem like he's a victim, forced to stay and at the same time at home, he is throwing you under the bus and making him a victim (in his wife's eyes) that you are chasing him and won't leave him alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Meow.. He doesn't want his wife. Why are you do bitter? But obviously he does want his wife or he would've left. I'm not sure what you're failing to understand about that. He can spew all the lies he wants at you. The point is, when people become miserable enough, they leave. I feel sorry for you in the fact that you absolutely refuse to see this. And you still are having an affair, whether this guy is still sticking his penis in you or not. By continuing to see him or even talk to him, it's an emotional affair. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesuischarlie Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 LOL..that's funny. I think she meant she would spray the BW with hairspray if the BW confronts her, which is also pretty funny "Don't come any closer or I will be forced to give your hairdo hold and manageability!!" Lol so funny lol (not) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tippydog90 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Op for the record, I am neither a BS or OW. Just someone who sees a disturbing lack of empathy or compassion in you. You also seem rather cruel because of your apparent contempt for his wife. While you may be hurting, I still find your responses frightening. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Jesuischarlie, Can I offer a bit of advice? Right now, your responses are a little anger-filled and you're inciting people to "take you on." Folks think you lack empathy and you are lashing out at a betrayed spouse you helped to hurt. I think you do have a lot of anger, but I think all of this is winding you up even farther. Making you angrier, more frustrated and quite honestly, more likely to confront the BS when you see her next time. Instead, perhaps you could share a little bit of your story. When did all of this end? How recent is it? How did you guys meet? How did you manage to go on like this for seven years? Were you happy? Frustrated? Did you genuinely think that if there was a DDay it would have turned out differently? Has he apologized to you for hurting you so badly? You came to this forum to get help and I assume, clarity. Engaging in a battle of wills over who needs or has empathy isn't going to move you along this path. If you share your story, there are lots here that would listen, empathize and help you (kindly) with getting a new perspective. Again, hugs. GG 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 But his actions show otherwise. He's chosen to stay married to her after the Dday. Why didn't he choose to leave afterwards and file for divorce? He very could be lying to you about it all and making it seem like he's a victim, forced to stay and at the same time at home, he is throwing you under the bus and making him a victim (in his wife's eyes) that you are chasing him and won't leave him alone. This is the sad reality of affairs. How can anyone trust a single word this man says, a man who has been lying to his wife, his kids, his friends and colleagues for 7 long years. He must be pretty good at the lying game by now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Is this the same MM who slapped you in front of his family? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 The op is making a couple of really common and unserstandable mistakes here. First, she's hurt that this guy hasn't chosen her, even after all these years of being there for him. Rather than accept that it has all been his choice, she's turned that blame onto his bs and his family, making them the culprits for her pain, not him. The thing is that just as no ow can seduce a married man...unless he wants to be, neither can a bs or family seduce him back...unless he wants to be. She's also forgettng that whe he chose to stay married, and she chose to accept that and continue the "friendship" ( i.e.- emotional affair) , she also tacitly accepts that his bs will have input into his life and may show up in facets of the op's life that she doesn't like. Third, she's forgetting they live in a small town where his bs can and should travel where she likes in her vehicle. If she's getting out of her car, confronting the op, damagng property, then that's different, but it's kind of hard to tke it serriously when she's been seeing this married guy for seven years, then complaing that the bs's car sometimes shows up near hers. Right ow, it sounds like the op is uncomfortable, and projecting some of her issues on to the bs, making her out to be the one inciting all the drama, when it's the exact opposite. If she wants relief, then leave the mm to the life he chose. The sooner she admits to herself that the mm didn;t choose to be with her of his own volition, then the sooner she get rid of him, move on, and find herself a new and wonderful life without all this nonsense in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 One more thought and this goes out to everybody... When any of us is hurt, it's really easy to resort to anger and pretty darned easy to lack empathy. Also, in Jesuischarlie's case, the spouse is the woman she was essentially in competition with. It's very understandable that she doesn't like her or wouldn't have empathy. First, she's had seven years of the MM giving her a one-sided profile of his wife. Plus, it comes across very clear in her posts that she loved this man very much. So, of course she's hurt and angry at the woman who "got him." Yes, most of you are right. The spouse deserves the empathy. (I am not an OW or a BS, I'm simply a married woman.) She was the woman who entered into a marriage with this man with all that implies - including fidelity and honesty. Even the not-so-great spouse deserves that in return. (I've long-held that your spouse is not your dating "insurance policy." That means you can't go out and date and expect that your spouse will hang around in case you decide to pick him/her again.) But the spouse is not on this board seeking clarity. Jesuischarlie is. And it's obvious that she's hurt and angry and lashing out. Can we give her a little bit of a break? Winding her up so that she really does confront the BS serves no one's purpose. Sorry, I really try not to be argumentative here. And I usually fall down on the BS side. But for some reason, I can feel hurt in her words. I feel like maybe she might need a calm space to tell us her story and see if we can't help her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Apologies if I repeat what has already been said in the 8 pages. OP I can't understand why you remain in this relationship with this man, surely its not worth the hassle. Is he that good? ??? I also have to say and I am not supportive of the OW, but this BS needs to focus on her H. If her H didn't want contact with the OP it would end. I cannot fathom being married to a man who disrespects me like this. No matter how much I wanted to save my marriage, I would not resort to this stalking because any man with such blatant disregard does not deserve my love. OP - if he treats his wife this way, what hope do you have? Is this your life? Being his bit on the side forever? Surely you want a man you can call your own. His wife deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Does this apply to OW who won't let go after a MM chooses to stay married and end the affair or are you only speaking about BS's? I believe, and I am sure you will agree, it applies to anyone acting the fool. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Is this the same MM who slapped you in front of his family? Let it gooooooo Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) I'll just say this much. It's one thing to be in an affair and to hide it so that no one gets hurt. It's another to continue seeing that person after the spouse has found out. I remember my xMM and I talking about this very thing once and I told him that he did not want his wife to ever find out about us because the pain it causes another person is enough to make you reel backwards. But I can say this with certainty -- if his wife ever found out about our affair, I would never speak to xMM again for as long as he was married to her. Is your xMM's wife behaving in a ridiculous way? Yes, she should just leave the SOB and stop letting this situation eat at her like this. I wouldn't put up with him continuing to see the OW for any reason. So, yes, she's making mistakes. But so are you. No matter how much you want to judge her, unless you have a tape recorder in their house, you really don't know what on earth he's actually telling her. But, for your part, you're causing another person a great deal of pain by continuing to see him. Are you ok with yourself for doing this? On top of all that, you're playing with fire. This woman is seriously angry and hurt and dont think that she isn't capable of crossing a line and doing serious or fatal injury to you. I think it would be good for you to ask yourself if you're ok with hurting someone to this degree, and if you're ok with provoking someone to this extent. Edited February 2, 2015 by bathtub-row 4 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) I guess the worst part is you dont even feel bad about causing her this much pain.You make fun of her and you are in no way showing any understanding because you are the bad one here,not sheAnd i really do not understand how a sane person can behave like that? i would be afraid of God...i believe everything we do will get back at us.and you have destroyed this womans life and on top of that,now you make fun of her By the way,to be honest,she is the one that should be laughing at you,for 7 years her husband always came back to her at nights....you waited for her husband,and he chose to stay with her.So who is pathetic here? its not she,its you.She controls your future,if she decides to kick him out you might get him...but its only hers decision.isnt it sad? Edited February 2, 2015 by adna89 5 Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) The OP is paranoid. The wife could be going about HER life and she may think the OP is stalking her! Yes, the police will laugh in her face. Geez, if everyone who ever "felt" like someone was bothering them ran to the police, the police wouldn't be able to actually pursue actual crimes. There needs to be evidence before anything can be filed. Not the words of an OW who got caught having an affair. Please educate yourself on the law before throwing out "advice". I suggest you read up on the law. There is probably a generational gap here but I know from personal experience you do not need to prove physical harm to be granted a restraining order. I was granted a restraining order for harassing PHONE CALLS from a former roommate. There was never a physical threat. There are multiple types of restraining orders. I was walked through the different types at my police station. OP does not have to wait until it turns physical to address the issue. We live in an age of cyber stalking, harassment has now taken on so many different forms, restraining orders have evolved quite a bit. Edited February 2, 2015 by howcouldInotknow Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I suggest you read up on the law. There is probably a generational gap here but I know from personal experience you do not need to prove physical harm to be granted a restraining order. I was granted a restraining order for harassing PHONE CALLS from a former roommate. There was never a physical threat. There are multiple types of restraining orders. I was walked through the different types at my police station. OP does not have to wait until it turns physical to address the issue. And I don't think any normal human need read up on the law in this situation. The OP hasn't been getting harassing phone calls from this BS. Rather the OP in her paranoia has seen her (BS) car in a small town. Yea, good luck with that. Last I checked, people are free to roam the country. I see people I know all the time in my supermarket parking lot, yet don't feel I'm being stalked or need to alert the police or the media. Apples and oranges. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesuischarlie Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 And again today she was parked at a prime place where we met alot where she can see cars coming easily. She also went into my friends shop. My friend said she'd never sen her before. Never before in 7 years. If she's looking for me... What for ? Or is she looking for him? But why park near my car as the other day? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 JesuisCharlie - are you in fact stalking her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 JesuisCharlie - are you in fact stalking her? What was the point of this post? To upset? To hurt? To incite anger? If you can't be constructive please stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 What was the point of this post? To upset? To hurt? To incite anger? If you can't be constructive please stop. No, it was actually in jest, hence the smiley. Jesuischarlie does seem to know quite a lot about the BSs movements, though. Perhaps she just needs to let it go, relax and heal, rather than trying to second guess the BSs motives, whilst she is in town. If the BS was parking in her road, outside her apartment/house at all hours of the day and night, then there would be more concern. Link to post Share on other sites
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