How can WS BS heal from their cheating?

[DbleBetrayal]

I don't agree with you. It's more complicated than just being 'fun, exciting, and feel good'.

 

I was in a terrible marriage for 16+ years and didn't cheat. I could have, and had many opportunities to do so that I walked away from.

 

The 'why' is the most difficult thing to answer and it is in no way simple.

 

 

Most of the time "the why" pretty much is that simple though. Waywards find it hard to admit it and add on other complexities due to embarrassment or blame shifting- that maybe are perhaps true, but basically... it was simply because it was fun, exciting and felt good.

[Buckeye2]

I have struggled with that question for sometime...WHY?... Why did my WW get involved with her Boss/Om..and do sex acts with him that was denied me for 22 years..and allow him to take pics of her.

 

 

My WW was almost prudish until she met him and did things and allowed him to do things to her that would make a pornstar blush...

 

 

I asked WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US..".....She started to cry and looked at me and said" He found a need in me I did not know i had.."

 

 

It sounds like your ex-wife is submissive and you treated her like a lady. Look up the erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not really being defensive..at least in my mind. I am trying to be honest.

You don't know where my mind was...crap...I don't know where my mind was....so tell me how you know what I was thinking and how I would have responded?

 

You might be right...but you might be wrong. Someone tell me why speculating the what ifs solves anything? Why don't we stick to the facts?

 

The fact is...I never met him again....the fact is I have had no contact or no desire to contact this man for over 31 years. The fact is I have done the best I can to be the wife my husbands deserved and deserves.

 

Those are the facts.....I can answer questions about facts...I cannot answer questions about speculations..and someone else's version of my story.

Some here have perceived things in my story that just are not true.

 

I apologize if you have misunderstood that I am blame shifting...or not accepting full responsibility for my actions. I do. I will not however accept full responsibility for things I did not do or did not say...things that are purely speculation as to what might have happened.

[lovinDKT3]

I can't speak for anyone elses that has been in this situation, nor can I really endorse the route we took. I think our situation is pretty atypical. We divorced fairly quick after he discovered my affair. We had very limited communication for a year then slowly, he started to let me be apart of his life again.

 

Some have had major issues with the things I did to get that door open. I am neither ashamed or regret what I did. Once I got in, I put to work all the things I had learned in our time apart. First I was totally open and honest about everything, and answered any and every question he asked. I did my best to show empathy and really tried to understand his pain, dissapointment and anger. I made sure that he knew I didn't blame him for the decisions I made.

 

Again when we really started to deal with the fallout we were several years removed from my infidelity and the OM was a none factor, and DKT knew he was my choice.

 

On his side, he had grown a great deal. He has always been a great guy, but now, OMG he is amazing. When we decided to make it work, he sat me down and said "write down what you want from me, what you expect and I will fix it" then he did it and has maintained those changes.

 

Together, we sat two hours a week where we get away and use that time to address any issues that come up that week. We don't hold back and that conversation has been painful many times for both of us. The benefit is we both understand our issues, making us true teammates, allowing us to work through them together. No building resentment, no topic off limits. Its often uncomfortable but always productive.

 

It only takes one spouse to have an affair, but it takes both to heal from it. The WS has to fix themself, and the BS has to fix themself (WS's can make this easier, but we can't heal our BS's). Together you heal the marriage. Two healthy halves can make an awesome whole.

[Mrs. John Adams]

agreed...it has taken both of us working on ourselves and working toward the common goal of making this marriage work.

 

I give my husband most of the credit....he never gave up on me....and i have worked hard to not disappoint him.

 

I am glad you too are successful! It is wonderful to know it is possible.

[JohnAdams]

Just a quick note before I go to bed, I had a lovely night at the theatre with my wife and am tired. First, we are on here as a couple. We have not been on this site long, so not sure how many couples both post. Therefore, I read everything my wife says and we discuss the comments and what she posts. So, it is not like she is posting things that I disagree with her.

 

 

Our story is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I know pretty much all the details. My wife has always answered every question I have ever asked, even if the answer is painful. I know several have speculated. We could all do that, but the true story is the facts that played out. You could speculate one way, and we probably would have ended up divorced. You could speculate another way and none of this would ever had occurred.

 

 

We have been very happy and in love for 42 years. We went through a very bad period. In the grand scheme of things, a very brief period. But, that brief period had long reaching consequences. It took us a while to work things out. We made mistakes along the way. The mistakes did not define our lives. We raised a lovely family, we had fun, we loved each other. Sure there was a scar that was an ugly reminder of what happened. But, we managed to get to a place that the scar was just a reminder of how far we have come.

[Confused48]

*****************************************************************

 

As Mrs Adams stated her actions were totally out of Character for her ( i have read where some WWS said they did not recognize themselves doing things in the A) My WW was almost prudish until she met him

 

Usually the why is simple - it was fun, exciting, and it felt good. Its an animal instinct that they just don't fight.

 

Most of the time "the why" pretty much is that simple though. Waywards find it hard to admit it and add on other complexities due to embarrassment or blame shifting- that maybe are perhaps true, but basically... it was simply because it was fun, exciting and felt good.

 

Drifter/Dble - Sure, this is the easy answer on the surface, the obvious simple fact.

 

BKarma is, I think, asking a deeper question. Why would our WS throw away our true sincere love, why would they damage our children, why would they humiliate themselves, for this? This insubstantial passing infatuation is worth doing all that damage? Anyone who has a normal sex drive can be tempted and can feel the animal instinct pulling them. The really unfathomable question though is, why did they not resist it, to the death?!

 

We thought they would. We thought they knew better, had character, etc. They thought so to, right up to the moment of betrayal. I'm sure for them almost as much as us it makes the whole world fall into question. What else about our mates or ourselves don't we really know? What's next? What else can go so very wrong for me?

[fellini]

No matter the intricate details of this question, I would venture that the bottom line is something like... because the "why do this" "for that" was not the equation at the time. The equation consisted of three specific variables: me, myself and I....

 

Just like i block all thinking of the issue of cholesterol when faced with a choice of pie, the WS is calculating the pleasure, not the end cost.

 

 

 

 

BKarma is, I think, asking a deeper question. Why would our WS throw away our true sincere love, why would they damage our children, why would they humiliate themselves, for this? This insubstantial passing infatuation is worth doing all that damage? Anyone who has a normal sex drive can be tempted and can feel the animal instinct pulling them. The really unfathomable question though is, why did they not resist it, to the death?!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Confused...you raise very good questions...and trust me when i tell you as a FWW i have asked myself those very same questions.

 

If we all knew the answers...no one would commit adultery.

 

What causes some of us to cross lines we normally would never cross? Why do some of us make the decision to throw caution to the wind and take the risk?

 

Why do some people live on the edge?

 

I dont know.

 

In my own situation...i had so many red flags...so many chances to stop.....and i normally would have..so what was it in this situation...that caused me to react differently? what was it that my common sense was cast aside?

 

I dont know....greed, selfishness, are the two main reasons....but that is still not the answer we all want. I WANT to know why just as bad as

John wants to know why.....and i do not think...we will ever have the answer.

 

There are no guarantees in life....we cannot predict the choices we will make every time ....I am living proof of that. We pray that each time we make a bad decision in life...we will learn from our mistakes and never do it again.

But some people never seem to learn...and why is that?

 

I dont know if it is because we are wired differently...or because something has happened in our lives to influence how we think....

 

Regardless...I do know this....I learned from the choice i made...I have not repeated that mistake and i believe i will never make that choice again...but i cannot guarantee it ...

 

I remain an open book for my husband...as much for my own sake as his. I hold myself accountable, keep myself out of situations that could cause me to make a poor choice. No...I don't live in a tower....but i am careful. I dont do GNO, I don't have male friends....that kind of thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Fellini...i think you have made an excellent point.

[autumnnight]

Is it possible to re-wire the psyche of WS so that s/he doesn't crave the thrill of the new, the ego boost, the high from fresh attraction? And if so, how is that done? Aversion therapy?

 

This kind of question borders on offensive to me. Who says every WS's psyche needs to be rewired, as if they were pure, preprogrammed evil walking around waiting for a chance to strike. I get frankly sick of this. There's a whole archetype of BS's out there who feel this way, and it undoubtedly makes them feel better to think every WS is some mutation. It just isn't the case. Otherwise good people who DO love their spouses CAN lose their way, make terrible decisions, have remorse, and go BACK to being the goosd people they were.

 

I really don't care if a person refuses to believe it. It is a fact that pretty much any objective person can grasp. SOME WS's are sociopaths with disorders. Most are not.

[Midwestmissy]

My wh says now he felt entitled. Period. I was unaware of the affair at the time, but I kniw he was behaving like a petulant toddler during those 6 mos and it was horrible. He was cagey and arrogant and thought he was controlling everything. And he soon realized everyone in his screwed up social circle at the time thought they were in the driver's seat too, and that blew up. He had a hole to fill in himself and chose to fill a different one. Because he wanted to. And they did not achieve the no strings attached consequence free nirvana they promised each other only the 2 of them were capable of. Ugh.

 

Again, this is how he has been explaining it to me as we spend an inordinate amount of money and time on therapy. It has caused a lot of pain for a total of 7 kids and a lot of adults on both sides. Just ugliness for everyone.

[Hope Shimmers]

You might be right...but you might be wrong. Someone tell me why speculating the what ifs solves anything? Why don't we stick to the facts?

 

Because sometimes the important thing in determining why something happened is someone's intentions, not what actually transpired due to circumstances they didn't control.

 

I am not really being defensive..at least in my mind. I am trying to be honest.

You don't know where my mind was...crap...I don't know where my mind was....so tell me how you know what I was thinking and how I would have responded?

 

I do know you are trying to be honest, and I am trying as well. I don't see that I was 'speculating'. I did not try to state what you were thinking or how you would have responded. I was stating what actually happened, which is that you didn't cancel and he did. To me that speaks to intentions. You don't know why, no one does, but it is what happened. It is important, at least in my mind.

 

You made a statement in one of your last posts: "...I have not repeated that mistake and i believe i will never make that choice again...but i cannot guarantee it ..."

 

Why can't you guarantee it? You (and only you) are in charge of your own actions. This statement would be a deal breaker for me if I were married/in your situation. I know that I have made past decisions that I regret and I can tell you with absolute certainty that I will NOT repeat them. You should be able to guarantee to Mr Adams that you won't make that choice again.

 

That is just my opinion, and not held by everyone, clearly, as Mr Adams can live with it and be happy.

 

I do wish you everything wonderful. You two seem like great people and I'm glad you have found that special love again. It's just hard for me to process it all; thus the observations I have posted.

[Seachan]

This kind of question borders on offensive to me. Who says every WS's psyche needs to be rewired, as if they were pure, preprogrammed evil walking around waiting for a chance to strike.

 

Probably not *every* WS needs re-wiring. Some are apparently "one and done", like Mrs. JA. Others, like my WW mother, are repeat offenders. How would a BS know which was which?

[William]

Folks, discussion of other members simply results in suspension so please don't do it. Focus on the topic of discussion. This applies to starters of threads too. Since this thread has received plenty of attention and in light of the sanctions imposed, I'll close it up for now.

 

Now re-opened for topical comments, mindful of my prior directive regarding discussion of other members.......

 

Here's the topic:

 

"How can WS <and> BS heal from their cheating?"

 

The thread starter references a book, title unknown but probably searchable on the internet, and asks which parts worked for people who have experienced affairs, whether wayward spouses or betrayed spouses.

 

Thanks in advance for you cooperation!

Edited February 1, 2015 by William
Reopened thread.

[merrmeade]

Didn't realize William had opened this thread up again.

 

I will first confess to not reading all the posts after it started going off into being about individuals. If this seems inappropriate because of that, somebody give me a nudge and say, "Read the rest of the damn thread for pete's sake." Or if this actually should be a new thread, just give me the word or shift 'er over, Mr. Moderator.

 

I have questions about the topic, "How can WS BS heal from their cheating?" — with or without the book mentioned.

 

First, comment/question:

I've been wanting to say this for a while. That is, I have a hard time putting the R with a WS whose betrayal consisted of a single ONS affair on the same footing as, say, a WS whose EA/PA was a LTA or years or a serial cheater WS who had several relationships over many years. I mean, I see where some of the stages may be similar for the BS, especially during R. (for example, the BS may have ongoing depression or trust issues), but otherwise isn't it easier to give a margin when it was only once? Or the concomitant question: Is healing harder if the betrayal is bigger?

 

Second, comment/question: The time factor in confession.

I've wondered if the BSs who find out late in the marriage about multiple infidelities many years ago have a harder time healing.

 

In other words, when BSs are dealing with huge betrayal or betrayal that wasn't completely disclosed or was a long time ago, do they have a harder time getting over it? I remember somebody who started a thread called "mind movies" I think. This OP had known about his wife's affair(s) but suddenly started having "mind movies about the sexual activities and other details of the affair. He also realized that maybe he didn't know everything and maybe she'd lied and there were more. I think the wife was some sort of invalid and now completely dependent on BS. The BS started to freak out, couldn't stop the "mind movies," he said, as the thread went on. He said he'd buried the truth of how he felt for decades and suddenly he couldn't handle the uninvited obsessive, disturbed thoughts and feelings. Then, he disappeared!! I had really been interested in hearing how he would deal with the resurfaced trauma, and then he disappeared. I'd really wanted to know why now? Why was he freaking out now? Was it because she might die and he'd have no resolution or hope for it? Or was it that he didn't want to take care of her any more since she hadn't taken care of him.

 

So my questions are these: Is it really as powerful and devastating as I think it is to deal with WS affairs many years after they occurred? Is it harder to find out later, i.e., many years after the affairs themselves?

 

Not sure how to make such a comparison.. Just throwing it out there and, like I said, if this should be a new thread, go ahead and thanks.

Edited March 9, 2015 by merrmeade