How can WS BS heal from their cheating?

[Seachan]

Maybe I should explain the kind of person I am. I have had disappointment in my life. ( I have been sexually molested by three family members) I am a very emotionally driven person. My husband calls me fickle....

The point is...the things that hurt me...I am able to bury and move past. They come back as reminders now and then...but I don't dwell on them.

 

My husband on the other hand is very analytical. He thinks about everything.

 

So our personality types... Is a good measure of how we process. His RA was very calculated and controlled. One of the things I said to him after my affair was...I couldn't stop. Once the OM started kissing me...I could not stop. John took great pride in being able to get all hot and bothered and still control himself. He stopped short of intercourse. It was to prove a point to me. He succeeded.

 

I have been hanging out on infidelity forums incessantly since my BS father passed away (my WW mother died many years earlier) - trying to get my head around the turmoil of my childhood.

 

One thing that comes up surprisingly often is that either or both BS/WS were victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). If BS was abused, they trigger during sex and have difficulty with intimacy with their Spouse. In missing this important piece of the M, the WS turns to another and has an A.

 

If WS was abused, their boundaries were violated from an early age and they never learned to say "no." Perhaps it was too dangerous to say "no" when they were being abused? They learn to compartmentalize as the abuse is happening so they don't have to *be* there. As adults, under the right circumstance, they are transported back to that helpless place where they can't say "no." They compartmentalize the affair - separate reality from their M.

 

Your professor was an authority-figure, probably reminiscent of the family members who, instead of protecting and loving you, used and abused you. And maybe at that time you became that helpless little girl again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have been hanging out on infidelity forums incessantly since my BS father passed away (my WW mother died many years earlier) - trying to get my head around the turmoil of my childhood.

 

One thing that comes up surprisingly often is that either or both BS/WS were victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). If BS was abused, they trigger during sex and have difficulty with intimacy with their Spouse. In missing this important piece of the M, the WS turns to another and has an A.

 

If WS was abused, their boundaries were violated from an early age and they never learned to say "no." Perhaps it was too dangerous to say "no" when they were being abused? They learn to compartmentalize as the abuse is happening so they don't have to *be* there. As adults, under the right circumstance, they are transported back to that helpless place where they can't say "no." They compartmentalize the affair - separate reality from their M.

 

Your professor was an authority-figure, probably reminiscent of the family members who, instead of protecting and loving you, used and abused you. And maybe at that time you became that helpless little girl again.

 

Could be....I am not a psych major....

I was abused by an older cousin, an aunt, and my great grandfather. I suppose I could plug your scenario into these encounters and see what you are saying. The OM was certainly an authority figure...although he was less than 10 years older than me. Approval has always been very important to me....acceptance. My husband could care less what you think of him....a trait I admire greatly. I bend over backwards for others....and he would tell you go **** yourself in a heartbeat.

 

So you could be very right.

Edited January 30, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee..you can pm me now

[Hope Shimmers]

Contentment with companionship, satisfaction with the status quo, and the continued commitment to a partner who has 'fallen from grace' suggests that there is still significant love in the relationship.

 

It may not be the love they thought they were signing up for initially, but there is still enough love in the bank after all these years to keep the family together.

 

They are sharing their laughter and joy, and their disappointments and hardships as a united family.

 

Ultimately, this is love.

 

I apologize if I came across as implying that contentment and companionship are not 'love' or that people experiencing these cannot really lbe happy. The point I was trying to make is that it makes sense (to me) that at this point in life, the contentment and the desire to live out the remaining years with the person you have been with for decades is much more solid than it might be during the 20s or 30s. And I'm not sure how much that means if it has been necessarily to basically "coast" through decades of marriage to get to this point, not really being happy or content during those years. But for different reasons, later in life it makes more sense that the contentment takes priority.

 

To me, contentment and companionship can be part of love, but they don't define it. I can think of people I could marry and likely be content with - and certainly they would provide companionship - but not love. Not the way I define it, anyway.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yeah - raising my grandson is a good enough reason to stay. Knowing I am giving him love and security is more important then my desire to even the score. The time for me to pursue a new life has passed.

 

I don't think I said anything about "evening the score". I said (or at least, I meant) that I found it sad that you could not seek happiness for yourself. I also find it sad that there is a certain line in the sand (for you) that defines when your time for a new life has passed. For me, if I'm still breathing, then that time hasn't passed.

 

I understand your desire to stay together for your grandson, but if this child is a minor, then you can't have had custody of him for very many years - meaning that the line in the sand (the time for you to pursue a new life) passed before then - many years ago. Because you were still together when you took custody.

 

To each his own, and I respect your decision. I just commented that I found it sad.

[Selfish]

I apologize if I came across as implying that contentment and companionship are not 'love' or that people experiencing these cannot really lbe happy. The point I was trying to make is that it makes sense (to me) that at this point in life, the contentment and the desire to live out the remaining years with the person you have been with for decades is much more solid than it might be during the 20s or 30s. And I'm not sure how much that means if it has been necessarily to basically "coast" through decades of marriage to get to this point, not really being happy or content during those years. But for different reasons, later in life it makes more sense that the contentment takes priority.

 

To me, contentment and companionship can be part of love, but they don't define it. I can think of people I could marry and likely be content with - and certainly they would provide companionship - but not love. Not the way I define it, anyway.

 

I also find it hard to believe one can be content with companionship when one sees their companian as a "whore"

[Hope Shimmers]

Of course not answering for Mrs. J. I both agree and disagree with you here.

 

My WW had a full fledged ongoing thing for a divorced BH colleague. Not a "one lunch stand". She was pretty much hooked into this LTR - her emotions were attached to him long enough to make it a serious threat to our staying married. On DDay, like many here, things changed.

 

But her reasons for staying then, and her reasons for staying 2 weeks later, and her reasons for staying 6 months down, and her reasons for staying 18 months now, are changing, and developing.

 

So if I was of the mentality of "dealbreaker" we would have been divorced from go. If i woulda known her true reasons for bailing on her AP I woulda not continued. But later, when it became clearer to me the reasons, those reasons were no longer the reasons on that day she wanted to stay.

 

In my case my WW's AP didn't have a trip to Africa planned, didn't have a date after sex with my spouse. He was consciously but quietly trying to get my wife to leave her marriage for him. Just like his exWW had done to him 2 years earlier. But what HE WANTED from my WW is not my CONCERN.

 

The only concern I need to have is what I want, and secondly, what she wants from him or from me. And that is precisely what changed over the weeks following DDAY. So I would put a rider on the shoulda woulda coulda to say that there is no POINT at which we can put a finger and say, there, that is the point. People speak of affair fog, but we should also recongnize that the fallout from the nuclear bomb dropped on a marriage that is DDAY renders all involved in a stunned dazed and confused state and it is only later, when people return to normal state that they can realistically assess the damages and think again as they would like to see themselves.

 

People here make a big deal about how a WS does a 180 and "throws the AP under the bus", as though something magical has happened. A change of state. Im not convinced it really is a change of mind or position, or state. Throwing the AP under the bus is an act, nothing more, and I mean that in both senses of the word. Oh yeah, for sure, later, after some affair deprogramming throwing the AP under the bus was the RIGHT CHOICE TO MAKE, but there is a difference between making the RIGHT CHOICE for the RIGHT REASONS and the RIGHT CHOICE for the WRONG REASONS and the RIGHT CHOICE for NO REAL REASONS other than continuing to play the game of betrayal. Betrayal merely continues when the AP is tossed away like a head of dead lettuce. Betrayal continues, it's only that its objects have changed. This is no different than being "in love" with your Spouse one day, inviting your colleague into your office for a passionate kiss the next, and then later going out with your H for an anniversay dinner, as my WW did to me. It's all betrayal. Even on DDay. It's just more betrayal.

 

fellini, you and I don't always agree but I totally respect the huge amount of work you have done to come to terms with your wife's betrayal.

 

I understand your point about continuously evolving reasons for staying together (as much as I can possibly understand, from my perspective). I think the best way to explain what bothers me about all of this is that for me, it seems like it should go beyond 'remorse'. Remorse means "deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed." I would even go so far as to say that it represents deep regret for the hurt inflicted on another individual due to personal actions.

 

What 'remorse' doesn't do (in my opinion) is fix - or even explain - the 'why'. So being remorseful for an action that hurt someone else doesn't even address the WHY. Why did it happen? What separates those people who can walk away from such situations and those who (to use this example) deliberately go into the home of a professor, knowing what was likely to happen? If you know what is likely to happen, why put yourself in that situation in the first place? It's a deliberate, thought-out decision. The honest question is, what kind of person can do that in the first place - remorseful later or not? Is it a character flaw? At the very least, there is something broke in a person who does that, and if you don't fix it, all the remorse in the world isn't going to change it.

 

At the very least, for me, I would continually question what else might lead to a similar situation repeating itself. If you don't know WHY something happened, then you can't fix it or (theoretically at least) keep it from recurring. That is the part I have trouble with.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hope....I see your point and even agreed. I am sure we all know couples who simply live together...exist together...because it is easier than starting over. I am sure there are many couples who don't love each other but are content to be companions.

 

John and I have always felt like we were special...we have always deeply loved each other...even through the storms...when we talk about jumping the final hurdle...in reality...and I would ask John to chime in....we feel our love is special again. It was always good...but something happened to connect the dots back together.

 

We know how lucky we are...

[Hope Shimmers]

I also find it hard to believe one can be content with companionship when one sees their companian as a "whore"

 

I don't think anyone - least of all Mr Adams - sees Mrs Adams as a 'whore'. But I suppose there are situations where that might be the case.

[Selfish]

I don't think anyone - least of all Mr Adams - sees Mrs Adams as a 'whore'. But I suppose there are situations where that might be the case.

 

No I don't mean them. I mean those that stay and don't forgive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

hope....

 

Now to address your latest post....I think if John viewed me as a whore...he could not have stayed.

 

When I went to the OM apartment...I had no idea what was going to occur. I knew I should not have followed him...and I truly thought he was going to change and we were going to lunch. You can dispute it...you can call me a liar...but I know what I was thinking at the time. My intention was not to go to his house and go to bed with him...now....that doesn't change the fact that I certainly did plan to go to lunch with another man and I lied to my husband and told him I was going shopping. So regardless...I was going to betray him. And that in itself without the rest of the story is evil. I have never claimed to be innocent...I have never blame shifted....I have never not taken responsibility for my own actions.

Why did I agree to meet this man for lunch? I was flattered that he was interested in me...I thought only about how that felt...he thought I was smart and pretty...at a time I was not feeling particularly good about myself. It was selfish...it was wrong....and I never thought about what this would do to my husband. I did not think what it would do to my family. I was focused on me. I can tell you that this behavior was totally out of character for me. What happened to change that? I don't know.

 

I wish I could give you the why....but sadly I cannot. I wrestled with the same questions about myself you have raised. I don't have the answers other than telling you how I feel about myself and how I have

Kept myself in check all these years. I am totally accountable to my husband at all times. He knows my schedule and my whereabouts and my passwords and my phone calls....I hide nothing from him. I have done this since my confession to him...and I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me again...and I have done everything in my power to gain his trust...to deserve his trust.

 

I made a promise..that I would never hurt him again. You might say...well you vowed to be faithful when you married him...yes I did...and I know how breaking that vow almost destroyed everything precious to me. I honestly think that I would take my own life before I ever hurt him again.

[badkarma2013]

hope....

 

Now to address your latest post....I think if John viewed me as a whore...he could not have stayed.

 

When I went to the OM apartment...I had no idea what was going to occur. I knew I should not have followed him...and I truly thought he was going to change and we were going to lunch. You can dispute it...you can call me a liar...but I know what I was thinking at the time. My intention was not to go to his house and go to bed with him...now....that doesn't change the fact that I certainly did plan to go to lunch with another man and I lied to my husband and told him I was going shopping. So regardless...I was going to betray him. And that in itself without the rest of the story is evil. I have never claimed to be innocent...I have never blame shifted....I have never not taken responsibility for my own actions.

Why did I agree to meet this man for lunch? I was flattered that he was interested in me...I thought only about how that felt...he thought I was smart and pretty...at a time I was not feeling particularly good about myself. It was selfish...it was wrong....and I never thought about what this would do to my husband. I did not think what it would do to my family. I was focused on me. I can tell you that this behavior was totally out of character for me. What happened to change that? I don't know.

 

I wish I could give you the why....but sadly I cannot. I wrestled with the same questions about myself you have raised. I don't have the answers other than telling you how I feel about myself and how I have

Kept myself in check all these years. I am totally accountable to my husband at all times. He knows my schedule and my whereabouts and my passwords and my phone calls....I hide nothing from him. I have done this since my confession to him...and I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me again...and I have done everything in my power to gain his trust...to deserve his trust.

 

I made a promise..that I would never hurt him again. You might say...well you vowed to be faithful when you married him...yes I did...and I know how breaking that vow almost destroyed everything precious to me. I honestly think that I would take my own life before I ever hurt him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Your continued honesty is quite refreshing to me still....As so many of us here were exposed to trickle truth and minimizing their A....

 

Your post have given me Another view of Infidelity...and have greatly softened my stance on WWs... I condone no form of infidelity.. but have seen BOTH WWs and BHs equally torn to pieces by the A...

 

One year ago I hated people like yourself.....after talking to you both..I have somewhat found ...I dont know ..more tolerance maybe...and looking at your marriage..i know how just how easy one can make the wrong choices.....

 

Maybe Ive grown soft reading and living all the hell we went and are going thru...Whatever the reason ,Thank You.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Badkarma...infidelity is a mean son of a B...and no good can come of it. It destroys lives ...and families.

 

I am not the poster child for what a good wife is...but i will tell you this...I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to my husband.

 

True story...we got married at 17 and 19...and john was in the navy. I had never had two nickles to rub together in my life...I knew nothing about running a household. The first time i went grocery shopping...i had two weeks pay in my purse (he got paid twice a month). I felt like a big shot! I had some money left over so I went to the PX and bought me a new outfit. I was on top of the world.

 

John came home...and i told him what i had spent and what we had leftover. He hit the ceiling!!!! We had $10 dollars left to last us 2 weeks...that meant $10 to fill up the gas tank and buy his cigarettes(he quit smoking shortly after this). I was crushed....I felt so bad...I had not thought about him...I only thought about me.

 

I tell you this because...I was a bride at 17....my first dealing with the wide open world was when i was 27 and went back to college. truly...I had no experience with people outside of my family or church.

 

going back to college...on my own...was a whole new world for me. and in retrospect...I was not emotionally equipped to handle it. Now this is no excuse...so don't take it that way. I am just trying to help you understand who i am.

 

My college experience changed me in may ways. I went from a very naive woman...to a very destroyed woman....and I took to heart what i had done to the only man i had ever been with...the father of my children...the love of my life.

 

Infidelity ....what it touches it destroys....but beyond the destruction is a horizon ....whether it is reconciliation or new beginnings with a new family because of divorce....there is still hope. Life as we knew it...is forever changed...but it isn't over.

 

I am a good wife....and i have a remarkable husband....we have a good life ..a terrific family. We are blessed....and we never take it for granted.

 

 

I want to add something....while i was naive in who i was...i was not naive in the choices i made. I knew i was wrong to make a lunch date with another man. I don't want to give the impression that i was a naive woman that someone took advantage of. I STILL was the one who made the choice...so i am the one responsible.

Edited January 30, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[Mrs. John Adams]

Unfortunately this sounds like rather typical minimization and rationalization of the 30 years of rug sweeping that occurred. if it takes the ws 30 + years to fully "get it", assuming that's actually the case, I dont think most bs would have that amount of.patience. one thing im curious about which you didnt explain was whether you were planning to have sex again with the professor the time you invited him to your place but then he cancelled.

 

there was no rug sweeping....both of us will testify to that. We hit it head on the best we knew how...we sought help....we did all we knew to do at the time. It is hard to "get it" if neither of you knows what it is you are looking for.

 

 

No...I was not planning to have sex with the om again....but then i did not plan to have sex with him the first time either....would it have happened? possibly...I cannot say one way or the other. I was angry...and he knew it...I was upset...and he knew it.....but i cannot tell you what i would have done. I can tell you this...if indeed he had come to my home...if indeed i had gone to bed with him in my husbands bed...i would not be married. I believe with all my heart it would have been more than my husband could bear. so I am indeed thankful he cancelled....

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes not just the 30 years but that she is the victim who needs to heal, not her husband. but hey its been a good marriage, but she wasnt healed,but...but

 

 

EVerything i have talked about has been how i have done my best to help my husband heal....i am not sure how you deciphered that this is about MY healing.....

[badkarma2013]

fellini, you and I don't always agree but I totally respect the huge amount of work you have done to come to terms with your wife's betrayal.

 

I understand your point about continuously evolving reasons for staying together (as much as I can possibly understand, from my perspective). I think the best way to explain what bothers me about all of this is that for me, it seems like it should go beyond 'remorse'. Remorse means "deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed." I would even go so far as to say that it represents deep regret for the hurt inflicted on another individual due to personal actions.

 

What 'remorse' doesn't do (in my opinion) is fix - or even explain - the 'why'. So being remorseful for an action that hurt someone else doesn't even address the WHY. Why did it happen? What separates those people who can walk away from such situations and those who (to use this example) deliberately go into the home of a professor, knowing what was likely to happen? If you know what is likely to happen, why put yourself in that situation in the first place? It's a deliberate, thought-out decision. The honest question is, what kind of person can do that in the first place - remorseful later or not? Is it a character flaw? At the very least, there is something broke in a person who does that, and if you don't fix it, all the remorse in the world isn't going to change it.

 

At the very least, for me, I would continually question what else might lead to a similar situation repeating itself. If you don't know WHY something happened, then you can't fix it or (theoretically at least) keep it from recurring. That is the part I have trouble with.

 

*****************************************************************

 

I have struggled with that question for sometime...WHY?... Why did my WW get involved with her Boss/Om..and do sex acts with him that was denied me for 22 years..and allow him to take pics of her..WHY? As Mrs Adams stated her actions were totally out of Character for her ( i have read where some WWS said they did not recognize themselves doing things in the A) My WW was almost prudish until she met him and did things and allowed him to do things to her that would make a pornstar blush...

She knew i had the pics and it was over but but would stammer and tell me "I would tell you if i knew...I just dont know...why.."

 

She could Never really tell me the why...

 

I think that is the REAL horror of infidelity...WE will never know why they did what they did....why they allowed it to go to the point of no return..and passed hundreds of red flags before the sex took place..Why

 

We will Never know what they really felt with the AP..Did they love them...what did they feel during sex...did they want them so bad they would risk everything...I have asked many WWs this and I have never really gotten a rational answer ..never...

 

The only time I raised my voice to my WW was in the court house lobby for the final hearing.. I asked to speak to her in private....I grabbed her arm and screamed 'WHY DID YOU DO THOSE ACTS WITH HIM ..WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US..".....She started to cry and looked at me and said" He found and need in me I did not know i had.."..

 

I walked away and 1 hour 34 minutes later we were no longer married..

[Mrs. John Adams]

No bond.....it did not take long at all to committ adultery....if you read my story you saw that it took about 8 weeks or so of sitting in a classroom. And one lunch date...not long at all....

 

I don't see that my answers to you will be helpful...you have your version of my story...but I lived it.

 

Bad karma.....I don't even know what to say to you....except I am sorry...so sorry for what you have been through.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am totally 100% fully accountable for my actions....it was my choice...my decision....it was selfish and horrible...

 

I have said that over and over again. No where have I made any excuses for my behavior or blamed anyone else.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks for your response to me Mrs Adams. Just to be clear, in no way was it my intent to accuse you of anything or make you defensive (and you were not) of your actions. I admire your honesty and openness in posting here.

 

I have mixed feelings about all of this, to be honest. I think (based on what I read from your last couple of posts) that it is entirely possible that you may have slept with Professor when you invited him to your place and he cancelled. You don't insist that you would not have (and again, the honesty is refreshing and also very helpful). But, the fact is that he cancelled. And that led to things being what they are - which is that you and Mr Adams are happy and this has been resolved. So if Mr Adams is comfortable and okay with the fact that maybe it would have continued but it didn't because ex-OM cancelled, then that is all that matters to the two of you.

 

I am not sure that it would be a non-issue for others though.

 

People aren't perfect. I don't believe people are evil because they make bad decisions. Marriage/monogamy are not native/natural for humans from a biological perspective - that is very well established. So expecting people to be perfect and never deviate - over the course of many decades - from their true biological nature is expecting a lot, speaking from a sexual perspective only.

 

Overall I think it's great that you and Mr Adams are happy. That is ALL that matters. Thank you!

[Seachan]

 

What 'remorse' doesn't do (in my opinion) is fix - or even explain - the 'why'. So being remorseful for an action that hurt someone else doesn't even address the WHY. Why did it happen? What separates those people who can walk away from such situations and those who (to use this example) deliberately go into the home of a professor, knowing what was likely to happen? If you know what is likely to happen, why put yourself in that situation in the first place? It's a deliberate, thought-out decision. The honest question is, what kind of person can do that in the first place - remorseful later or not? Is it a character flaw? At the very least, there is something broke in a person who does that, and if you don't fix it, all the remorse in the world isn't going to change it.

 

At the very least, for me, I would continually question what else might lead to a similar situation repeating itself. If you don't know WHY something happened, then you can't fix it or (theoretically at least) keep it from recurring. That is the part I have trouble with.

 

Yes, I think this is the heart of the reconciliation dilemma. The question of whether the person who chooses to cheat - but wishes to remain M to BS -has a fundamental character flaw or is irreparably damaged in some way? Is it possible to fix what is broken in a WS? Rugsweeping repairs nothing, nor does white-knuckling through addictions of other attractions. (I've read of fWS being described as dry alcoholics. They can restrain as long as they physically stay away from drink, but will succumb as soon as restraints are lifted.)

 

Is it possible to re-wire the psyche of WS so that s/he doesn't crave the thrill of the new, the ego boost, the high from fresh attraction? And if so, how is that done? Aversion therapy?

[drifter777]

Usually the why is simple - it was fun, exciting, and it felt good. Its an animal instinct that they just don't fight.

[Hope Shimmers]

Usually the why is simple - it was fun, exciting, and it felt good. Its an animal instinct that they just don't fight.

 

I don't agree with you. It's more complicated than just being 'fun, exciting, and feel good'.

 

I was in a terrible marriage for 16+ years and didn't cheat. I could have, and had many opportunities to do so that I walked away from.

 

The 'why' is the most difficult thing to answer and it is in no way simple.

[Buckeye2]

I had an affair first and my husband had an affair (two actually). Because he didn't know if I actually wanted to be married to him. I didn't deserve either, I did NOT get over it quickly. But I did UNDERSTAND one. He's sorry. But a LOT of damage has been done.

 

I think revenge affairs are bad. First because you are using your AP without consideration of their feelings. Secondly because you’re lowering yourself because of someone else’s bad behavior.

 

 

But if you do have one you’re still not as bad that the spouse that initially broke the trust. If you’re faithful to your spouse and can’t image either of you cheating then an affair is a life altering experience. It changes your world view.

 

 

One of the things I told my wife after her affair was that I did not like the person I had become. Pre-affair, I was stable, self confident, did not need the approval of others, did not care if I was good looking or not, I felt very comfortable in my own skin. All that was blown up on D day.

 

 

It’s like not being able to conceive of intelligent life on other planets then a space ship lands in your back yard. The world will never be the same. Now if a second space ship lands it’s not as big of a deal. A second affair by either spouse doesn’t shift the earth like the first.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sorry it took me so long to respond...I was at the theater this evening watching Rodgers and hammerstiens Cinderella.

 

A few points...first...I owe no one any explanations. I have opened my heart and poured out my deepest darkest secrets.

 

Speculation brings more speculation. If you want to speculate negatively then also speculate positively.

 

What if I called off the meeting with the OM? He did not call it off the day of the meeting...so I also had time to call it off. What if he showed up at my house and John shot him? See what speculating gets you? Nothing.....

Would I have gone to bed with him? I could lie and tell you absolutely not! But I won't do that...because I don't know and neither do you.

I did everything wrong.....I have no excuses...I own it. I was a bad person. Am I still a bad person? Well let's see....we have been married 42 years....how long have you been married? Is it a perfect marriage? Do we have regrets? Have we made mistakes along the way? Yes...yes...yes....

Have I ever said we didn't? Have I fed you some glorified glsmourous story of...and they lived happily ever after? Or have I told you the mistakes I made and tried to give those of you who are trying to reconcile ...hope? Have I said reconciliation is the only way? Or have I been honest and said sometimes divorce is the best answer?

 

My husband has not lived thirty years unhappily abused and mistreated by me. He has lived a good life...with a woman who admits her mistakes and tries to do better. He knows he is loved...and I ask you....what do you want and expect from a relationship? You want to be loved for who you are. You want to be comfortable and trust that your partner will love you no matter what. My husband will tell you...he has that.

 

I am not here to argue...I am not here to convince you....I know ...he knows...that's all that matters.

 

I quite frankly don't care if you believe me or not. I have been kind, sympathitic, understanding and honest. I have answered your questions to the best of my ability. I have treated you respectfully.

I want to try to help you understand the ugly side of me....to try to help you understand the ugly side of the spouse that hurt you. I am not them...all stories are different...but we are all human beings that hurt.

 

I am not your enemy....

[Hope Shimmers]

Sorry it took me so long to respond...I was at the theater this evening watching Rodgers and hammerstiens Cinderella.

 

A few points...first...I owe no one any explanations. I have opened my heart and poured out my deepest darkest secrets.

 

Speculation brings more speculation. If you want to speculate negatively then also speculate positively.

 

What if I called off the meeting with the OM? He did not call it off the day of the meeting...so I also had time to call it off. What if he showed up at my house and John shot him? See what speculating gets you? Nothing.....

Would I have gone to bed with him? I could lie and tell you absolutely not! But I won't do that...because I don't know and neither do you.

I did everything wrong.....I have no excuses...I own it. I was a bad person. Am I still a bad person? Well let's see....we have been married 42 years....how long have you been married? Is it a perfect marriage? Do we have regrets? Have we made mistakes along the way? Yes...yes...yes....

Have I ever said we didn't? Have I fed you some glorified glsmourous story of...and they lived happily ever after? Or have I told you the mistakes I made and tried to give those of you who are trying to reconcile ...hope? Have I said reconciliation is the only way? Or have I been honest and said sometimes divorce is the best answer?

 

My husband has not lived thirty years unhappily abused and mistreated by me. He has lived a good life...with a woman who admits her mistakes and tries to do better. He knows he is loved...and I ask you....what do you want and expect from a relationship? You want to be loved for who you are. You want to be comfortable and trust that your partner will love you no matter what. My husband will tell you...he has that.

 

I am not here to argue...I am not here to convince you....I know ...he knows...that's all that matters.

 

I quite frankly don't care if you believe me or not. I have been kind, sympathitic, understanding and honest. I have answered your questions to the best of my ability. I have treated you respectfully.

I want to try to help you understand the ugly side of me....to try to help you understand the ugly side of the spouse that hurt you. I am not them...all stories are different...but we are all human beings that hurt.

 

I am not your enemy....

 

I am not sure who specifically this is directed at, but it's the first post I have read from you that primarily displays defensiveness.

 

I agree - you owe no one anything, other than to your husband, and you have already stated that all of that has been worked out.

 

"What if I called off the meeting with the OM? He did not call it off the day of the meeting...so I also had time to call it off." Theoretically true, but you did not and would not have. It wasn't in your mind at the time to do so. It's an outcome that is completely UNlikely to have occurred, so I don't see the point of it here.

 

What happened, happened. Franky, what happened was primarily driven by ex-OM's actions and not your actions. That is the fact.