Around when do women start looking for potential husbands?

[elaine567]

T Not one single female friend of mine is even engaged right now, and we're around 26-28 now. All of us have degrees and careers so maybe that's part of it,

 

Yes that is exactly part of it, educated women do not tend to marry early and they start having children in their early-mid thirties too.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes that is exactly part of it, educated women do not tend to marry early and they start having children in their early-mid thirties too.

 

Yeah makes sense. My boyfriend is from a really tiny town and said that most of the friends he had growing up basically left school at 16, got a job in the local supermarket, settled down and had kids by the time they were 20. There was very little else to do. He on the other hand went to college, moved away to university, and then stayed in the new city.

 

Thinking about it, of all the girls I knew at school who didn't go to university, literally all of them I've heard of have kids, and most are onto their second or third partner, a new child with each boyfriend. Not sure many have gotten married though. Seems that marriage in the area I came from. Possibly partly to do with the fact that literally nobody is religious so there's no pressure to marry and no stigma with having babies out of wedlock.

[verhrzn]

This thread has been such an eye opener, I never realised so many people got married in their early twenties, late teens!

 

I think a big part of it is economic class and geographic area. I live in the Midwest, and the trend seems to be if you don't go to college, you marry around 19-21. If you do go to college, you marry around 24-27. If you're still single by 30, you're seen as an outliner.

[StanMusial]

Your fears aren't totally unfounded. I recently heard an engaged lady state that if "Prince Charming" walked in the door that she would ditch her fiancé without a second thought. I could barely hide my disgust.

 

With that being said, there are a number of issues you'll run into due to your lack of experience. This particular one may not be that important in the grand scheme of things. I agree with the other poster they said you need to get experience so that you can make good decisions going forward.

[BlueIris]

Yeah, but at the same time some women tend to lie about their past so sometimes you'll never even know what type of person they are until later on.

 

True. Some do. Some people lie about various things. So take time to get to know someone well before you start doing things like having sex, living together, making significant financial decisions in reliance on the person or relationship, having children and marrying. If you find that over time you have a pattern of choosing liars or people whose character is questionable, take a break and do some serious self-examination about what your criteria have been and change them.

 

We can't blame "them" (whoever "they" might be) for our not taking responsibility for our own choices.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think a big part of it is economic class and geographic area. I live in the Midwest, and the trend seems to be if you don't go to college, you marry around 19-21. If you do go to college, you marry around 24-27. If you're still single by 30, you're seen as an outliner.

 

I'm so pleased to live in a society where women can be financially independent for as long as they choose. I'm so grateful that I live in a place where I can build my own career, gain an education, and choose when to marry if I choose to. I often forget how fortunate I am and forget that it was only a very short time ago that women pretty much HAD to marry asap in order to gain some financial stability. Which must have led many, many people to marry individuals they knew weren't right for them, but it was out of a sense of desperation.

 

People change so much from their teens to their thirties (and arguably beyond!) where I'm from, you're an outlier if you've married by 30 and many people are eschewing marriage completely. It's wonderful to have that choice over whether to go down that road or not. I know lots of women who are happily single and independent and loving life, and although I live with my partner, it's a great feeling knowing that if we were to split, I can look after myself financially, peace of mind that our grandmothers didn't really have.

[AVarma]

I think a big part of it is economic class and geographic area. I live in the Midwest, and the trend seems to be if you don't go to college, you marry around 19-21. If you do go to college, you marry around 24-27. If you're still single by 30, you're seen as an outliner.

 

As some one who grew up in the South I can confirm this. Unfortunately there does seem to be a point of no return for being inexperienced.

[zebracolors]

I'm a woman on the edge of 40, and have been in a long-term relationship, (but not legal marriage) then single up until around summer last year. I'd have to say its something I'd be open to for sure but with the right person. Though still maybe a little early to say if my bf now will or won't be that "right person". Essentially I'd say that for lots of women, myself included, we decide we want to get married when we feel ready for that commitment. And we want to make sure, and hope our partner is also ready for that commitment.

 

Its amazing that in certain places, young women are wanting/choosing to be married early as 20s. I guess, in a way, I can include myself in that. I got into the LTR I mentioned, when I was 25 and it lasted 9 years. I guess half way through I just assumed we'd legally get married, not due to any societal pressure, though it never happened and eventually realized I wasn't happy with him. So I guess I was really too young and didn't have the wisdom I do now to be more cautious in making such a huge decision.

[MissBee]

This thread has been such an eye opener, I never realised so many people got married in their early twenties, late teens!

 

It must depend on demographics, I guess. Not one single female friend of mine is even engaged right now, and we're around 26-28 now. All of us have degrees and careers so maybe that's part of it, but there's not a cat in hell's chance any of us would have accepted a marriage proposal prior to 25 at the absolute earliest, despite all of us having had long term relationships. Actually, one of us did get engaged around 23 I think, but the engagement broke down and she's now happily in a long term relationship with a new partner, with zero thoughts of engagement in her mind at any time in the foreseeable future.

 

All of our parents would have been horrified if we'd have gotten engaged or married any younger than we are now, they'd have said it was too fast and we needed time to grow into who we are and to experience life and relationships.

 

I've never dated to find a husband. I've just dated to have fun and see if a boyfriend shows up, and anything else has been seen as icing on the cake if it ever happens. Blows my mind that so many people go out there husband or wife-hunting... seems to me if you are looking so hard for someone to fill that role in your life, because society or your parents usually are telling you to, you're at a greater risk of finding someone who seems good enough and jamming them into that gap when they may not really be the right person for you.

 

Most people I know of different ages who've gotten married have been together 4-7 years by the ceremony. So they really know each other and have a good idea of what it's like to live together.

 

Most of my friends are not married either and most of us are focusing on careers and the rest so weren't in a rush to marry in our early twenties. In my social circle that is the norm and even the message from my parents was the same, education before men because men will always be there. Even my mom didn't have me until 30 after she'd gotten her career underway.

 

However, I date with a purpose now that I'm older. I'm in grad school, am on track to my career and am becoming a "real adult" lol and just the same my mentality about relationships has matured and I've started to think more long term now as I date. When I was in college for example, I wasn't considering marriage seriously, I knew it was something I'd do in the future but it wasn't an immediate thought while dating, until about my senior year or so of college when I was in one of my more serious relationships.

 

But opposite of what you think, it makes me a lot pickier instead of less so, that is, I date casually more than I get into serious relationships precisely because I think of any serious relationship as something that could lead to marriage and am not interested in just having any ol' for-the-moment guy fill that role and I'm not desperate to marry so don't jam anyone into that slot at all. I find that it makes me pretty clear with myself about when a guy is Mr.Right Now versus someone I can see myself making a deeper commitment to and I behave accordingly.

 

I think being desperate to marry because of peer or family pressure is a totally different mentality than dating with the intention that you're only going to commit yourself to someone you can see a future with. Being desperate to marry (or just desperation in general leads to poor choices), but dating with the idea that you want a spouse isn't by definition desperate, it's having a clear purpose in mind versus the go with the flow, fun and games, whatever happens happens idea which you should definitely have in your youth.I think I try to play it smart about everything in my life and am conscious about career decisions, education, etc so find it logical that when it comes on to partnerships I'd be just as conscious and deliberate about it.

Edited January 25, 2015 by MissBee

[pteromom]

Under the Radar was on the mark. These guys excite, I don't. Whether it be physically, emotionally, etc. Girls are addicted to these kinds of guys. They never forget them. When a type of girl does settle down, it's like she's saying "not the best, but good enough".

 

No, no, no.

 

When a girl moves out of her parents' house and finds herself on her own, yes, she looks for "exciting" guys. Guys who can help her find an identity outside of her family. The musical guys, the artists, the social players.. these guys open her eyes to new things.

 

But as a girl gets a little older - and for some it is earlier and for others it is later - she learns who she is. When she learns who she is, she starts looking for a guy who wants the same thing she wants. For a lot of women, that is marriage and children. For others, it is a guy who is successful and able to travel with her and have adventures. And there are still some women who like a crazier life - but these women generally start avoiding the players and finding men who are matches for them.

 

This isn't "settling". It's getting SMART.

 

Because a woman chooses a man who is safe and stable and responsible and honest doesn't mean it is because she can't get a hot player dude. It's because she grew up and realizes that a hot player dude cannot give her what she wants.

 

And trust me - lots of my old married friends have plenty of hot sex with their plain ol' boring stable safe husbands.

 

You are worrying about NOTHING.

 

And the more you stay in this mindset of being 2nd choice, the less likely you will find a woman who sees you as her 1st choice. Because you'll be going into it with an attitude of a loser. And THAT, my friend, is not attractive to anyone.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with your post pteromom but I do want to add that guys should be evolving and growing themselves too.

 

The less-socially-confident guys can become more socially confident and attractive. This includes putting themselves out there to meet more women, taking a martial arts class, travelling and so on. These guys can go from being the safe guy they say they are, to the attractive guy.

 

Camaro_Guy you shouldn't be thinking about how women will change as you get older but how YOU can grow yourself.

Edited January 26, 2015 by Imajerk17

[pteromom]

Sleeping around doesn't always mean a woman will make a bad wife. I know that is not a popular view amongst guys and I understand where it comes from but better to have a woman who experienced the wild life and realizes it is not all it is cracked up to me than a virgin who gets GIGs and wants to experience other men after a mid life crisis. I see that more than anything.

 

There are guys who hold chastity as a value, and there are guys who just don't want their woman to have slept with other men because it makes them feel scared and insecure and judged.

 

These are two very different things.

 

And yes you are right. A woman who has no other experience may just decide she wants that experience later (as could a man). We've seen it on these forums from both men and women. There was a recent post about a guy who had a beautiful wife who loved to have sex with him, but he was all bummed out because he felt he hadn't slept around with enough women.

 

Here's the deal - you can't control other people. And you can't live your life scared to take chances because of all the "what ifs". No matter if you end up with someone or end up alone, life always ends the same way for all of us. So you may as well take some chances and try to be happy!

 

It is possible you will get involved with someone who lies and cheats and hurts you. It's possible you will get involved with someone who quits having sex with you. But here's the great thing about life - NO choice you make is permanent! There are always options. And if you end up with someone who doesn't make you happy, you can LEAVE and choose something else!

 

It's also possible that you will meet someone who makes you laugh, loves to have sex with you, inspires you to be the best of who you are, and goes on to share a beautiful life with you.

 

You will never know if you never try because you are too afraid of the potential bad things that might happen.

[pteromom]

I agree with your post pteromom but I do want to add that guys should be evolving and growing themselves too.

 

The less-socially-confident guys can become more socially confident and attractive. This includes putting themselves out there to meet more women, taking a martial arts class, travelling and so on. These guys can go from being the safe guy they say they are, to the attractive guy.

 

Camaro_Guy you shouldn't be thinking about how women will change as you get older but how YOU can grow yourself.

 

Absolutely! Great point, and I agree wholeheartedly.