Around when do women start looking for potential husbands?

[BlueIris]

Lol I'd rather be single the rest of my life than be married to a female who is only there because I have a great job and being considered "safe".

 

Those men end up in sexless marriages where they have to BEG their wives to sleep with them, constantly get cheated on, and raise Other guys kids(Both knowingly and unknowingly)

 

I think that most women consider the “safe” men (reliable, loyal, protective, gentlemanly, in love) to be the superior men, even women with high sex drives.

 

It often seems that men are more dazzled and impressed by the player, risk-taking, womanizing men than women are. That’s male pecking order stuff more than what women want.

 

Also, many of those “unsafe” men lie and pretend to be reliable, loyal, protective, gentlemanly, and in love to get women to give them what they want. So, those “unsafe” men know that women want the “safe” men.

 

 

You don't get the milk for free if you commit to a girl. You are buying the cow with commitment, marriage is an extension of that. Yeah, you can "sell" the cow at any time but you still have to go through the trouble of "buying" the cow.

 

I wonder if cow owners get offended if a woman chooses by the climate, size and quality of his farm.

 

Most women I’ve known are looking seriously by age 30, if marriage and family are a priority for her. Some are ambivalent even then. Most of the women I’ve known have always wanted to find the man to spend her life with in a loving relationship, most often to have a family with. Some have waited to look in earnest until after they feel they have the education and/or financial situation to be ready to start being a partner and to have a stable life.

[pteromom]

Put yourself in my shoes: you are mid 20s. You've never had a girlfriend. Never had sex. Suddenly, close to 30, women start to show interest you. You meet a particular girl. She's so sweet. So caring. So loving. Your mind short-circuits. You can't think straight. She's the most awesome girl you've ever met. You then think you want to be with her forever. So you then marry her. Then slowly, she starts to withdraw. She disrespects you. She snaps at you. She withholds sex from you. She says you aren't "compatible".

 

That is what I fear.

 

The withdrawing and disrespecting and snapping and withholding doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's part of a larger pattern inside of a relationship.

 

If you are kind and respectful and open to meeting her needs, odds are she will be the same for you (assuming she really is sweet, caring, loving, and awesome.)

 

But still - you can't control what other people do. Relationships always come with risks.

[verhrzn]

You don't ask someone's sexual history because it can easily be omitted or they can lie to you about it. I've often heard many women bending the truth when it comes to it. And there's no way to know. You think some years down the road when she decides to confess and tell me she's slept with like 30 guys I can say "I didn't sign up for this"?

 

Or you could stop assuming that all women are liars? You could deal with your sexual insecurities and stop projecting your own discomfort with your virginity onto her? If you don't like what you sign up for, you can then divorce her? Many good options.

 

You think I want a girl to one-up me by me telling her I'm a virgin and her lying about her experience? Even if she does say ok, she will never accept it. It will be such a turn off. It's so lame and embarrassing.

 

Oh, will you knock it off with the assumptions?

 

Okay, you ever heard of the show "Outlander"? New show on Starz, based on a romantic-historical novel series. Incredibly popular with many women. Guess what? The romantic hero, the guy who a lot of women consider one of the best romantic leads, is a virgin. In the book, it's treated either neutrally or as even a good thing. Virginity does not need to be shameful, or pathetic, or looked down upon.

 

I'm in that age range you're referencing, and if a guy had most of the qualities I looked for and just happened to be a virgin, I would think nothing of it.

 

Your problem is not that you are a virgin. Your problem is that you make mean-spirited assumptions about women (first that they'll throw themselves at you in college with little to no effort on your part, then that they'll lie to you and use you and settle for you because of your money.)

[CALOVELY]

 

 

 

Your problem is not that you are a virgin. Your problem is that you make mean-spirited assumptions about women (first that they'll throw themselves at you in college with little to no effort on your part, then that they'll lie to you and use you and settle for you because of your money.)

 

Bingo.

 

OP- Your attitude is what is preventing you from attracting women, not your sexual status. You project your misogyny on to women and that will not be lost on them. You can either continue the way you have or you can change your attitude. How has the former worked for you?

[Phoe]

I never had wild years, but I also never intentionally looked for a husband.

 

I want a relationship, and I hope that if it's good that it would progress to marriage, but I'm not "looking for a husband" or expecting any future relationships to go that way. I don't expect to get married, but I'd be happy with it.

[ThaWholigan]

Put yourself in my shoes: you are mid 20s. You've never had a girlfriend. Never had sex. Suddenly, close to 30, women start to show interest you. You meet a particular girl. She's so sweet. So caring. So loving. Your mind short-circuits. You can't think straight. She's the most awesome girl you've ever met. You then think you want to be with her forever. So you then marry her. Then slowly, she starts to withdraw. She disrespects you. She snaps at you. She withholds sex from you. She says you aren't "compatible".

 

That is what I fear.

 

I am mid-20s and never had a GF. (I did lose my virginity approaching 24 but I'm not exactly active at present!).

 

I still maintain, you're worrying about absolutely nothing. The latter could happen to guys who've had experience - maybe they'd just slide out before it gets worse, who knows? We're not all the same....

 

But stop worrying about your inexperience, you're making it worse for yourself. You can still learn to keep your wits about you, you can still learn to date in a way that suits you until you find a woman who complements you the way you wish, you can still learn to actually be good in bed EVEN IF YOU'RE A VIRGIN, and you can get out of your own head and go live.

 

The first thing you need to do is forget about your virginity. Holding onto these misconceptions will hold you back. It's good to be wary and cautious occasionally and you definitely don't want to be completely naive and trusting of people (people do suck sometimes) but sometimes you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and take a few risks. And honestly, girls are more likely to want to date you if you're at least dealing with your inexperience in an attractive way.

 

I never really got the experience either in my teen/early 20s years - getting laid in college, having girls constantly throwing themselves at me. It gets better though. I'm 26 and even though I'm still not quite established, I've had far more genuine sexual interest getting older than I ever did. Sometimes, your time is just a different time than others. Just relax a bit.

[Camaro Guy]

Or you could stop assuming that all women are liars? You could deal with your sexual insecurities and stop projecting your own discomfort with your virginity onto her? If you don't like what you sign up for, you can then divorce her? Many good options.

 

I don't know if you know this or not but divorce isn't cheap. Rather spend that money and time on something else.

 

 

 

Oh, will you knock it off with the assumptions?

 

Okay, you ever heard of the show "Outlander"? New show on Starz, based on a romantic-historical novel series. Incredibly popular with many women. Guess what? The romantic hero, the guy who a lot of women consider one of the best romantic leads, is a virgin. In the book, it's treated either neutrally or as even a good thing. Virginity does not need to be shameful, or pathetic, or looked down upon.

 

That's a TV show though. I've noticed that virginity is seen as a negative when the guy isn't physically up to par but as a huge positive when the guy is.

 

I mean, I work out. I'm in shape. But facially I leave much to be desired, that's especially why I haven't had anything with a girl. I fail the facial standards test. I mean when a guy has been seen as unattractive all his life and suddenly becomes wanted, without dramatically changing anything about himself, it might be good to wonder why.

 

 

Your problem is not that you are a virgin. Your problem is that you make mean-spirited assumptions about women (first that they'll throw themselves at you in college with little to no effort on your part, then that they'll lie to you and use you and settle for you because of your money.)

I don't see how that was mean spirited. I was young, dumb, and 17. I didn't have much experience with girls and I thought that's what would happen. It's like the guy who discovered fire for the first time and touched it, finding out it would burn him.

[MissBee]

Put yourself in my shoes: you are mid 20s. You've never had a girlfriend. Never had sex. Suddenly, close to 30, women start to show interest you. You meet a particular girl. She's so sweet. So caring. So loving. Your mind short-circuits. You can't think straight. She's the most awesome girl you've ever met. You then think you want to be with her forever. So you then marry her. Then slowly, she starts to withdraw. She disrespects you. She snaps at you. She withholds sex from you. She says you aren't "compatible".

 

That is what I fear.

 

That hasn't anything to do with your initial post.

 

This can happen to anyone, it doesn't matter their experience. Men and women sometimes distance themselves, withdraw, withhold sex, or cheat in their marriages. All you can do is to try as best as possible to marry someone with whom you're compatible, with whim you can compromise and communicate with.

 

But sorry, no one can 100% guarantee what will happen in their marriage , 10, 20 years from now so it's a risk EVERYONE takes.You're not at any special risk of this.Love and relationships are risky and life itself has no guarantees but you can live in fear so never have any relationships (or do anything else risky in life for that matter) or put yourself out there in good faith if someone seems worth it and try to make the best go of it and also realize even if it ends, you aren't the first heartbroken person, won't be the last and you do eventually heal.

[verhrzn]

I don't know if you know this or not but divorce isn't cheap. Rather spend that money and time on something else.

 

Like spending endless time worrying about how a hypothetical woman is going to lie to you, judge you and then marry you out of convenience?

 

 

That's a TV show though. I've noticed that virginity is seen as a negative when the guy isn't physically up to par but as a huge positive when the guy is.

 

Actually it was a book first, and extremely popular with women, suggesting that many women found the ideas in the book enjoyable/hot.

 

Okay, so virginity is a negative when the guy isn't up to par. So why are you worried about a woman judging you for your virginity but not for your physical appearance? If your physical appearance is fine, then by your own admission, your virginity won't count against you.

 

I mean, I work out. I'm in shape. But facially I leave much to be desired, that's especially why I haven't had anything with a girl. I fail the facial standards test. I mean when a guy has been seen as unattractive all his life and suddenly becomes wanted, without dramatically changing anything about himself, it might be good to wonder why.

 

Has a woman told you your face is why she's not dating you? Has anyone directly told you this? Or are you just assuming?

 

Maybe you are becoming more attractive to women because you are more confident, have a larger social circle (and thus meet more women), have more hobbies because you're no longer concentrating exclusively on work, or maybe it's even that whole "hey I work out and have a nice body." Are you really going to claim you're the exact same person with the exact same habits as when you first entered college?

 

I don't see how that was mean spirited. I was young, dumb, and 17. I didn't have much experience with girls and I thought that's what would happen. It's like the guy who discovered fire for the first time and touched it, finding out it would burn him.

 

That isn't the mean-spirited part. The mean-spirited part is assuming all of these negative qualities (liar, user, slutty) about women as if we're not only a hive-mind, but a materialistic, judgment one at that.

[GoodOnPaper]

I think that most women consider the “safe” men (reliable, loyal, protective, gentlemanly, in love) to be the superior men, even women with high sex drives.

 

It often seems that men are more dazzled and impressed by the player, risk-taking, womanizing men than women are. That’s male pecking order stuff more than what women want.

 

Also, many of those “unsafe” men lie and pretend to be reliable, loyal, protective, gentlemanly, and in love to get women to give them what they want. So, those “unsafe” men know that women want the “safe” men.

 

Some things seem backwards. It seems to me that almost all the guys who've struggled to attract women and post on LS about it would consider themselves to fall much more in line with the "safe" man model rather than the "unsafe" one. If the "safe" men are superior, why are they the ones that can't get dates?

 

I don't know if dazzled and impressed are the right words. Yes, it's very noticeable how players attract women at will, but my feelings about players were anger and frustration. They could get what I couldn't but at the same time, I wasn't able to bring myself to transform into one of them.

 

It all comes down to intangible "excitement" factors that some of us just aren't able to generate or foster but come naturally to many of the "unsafe" guys.

 

When young, my experience was that the women weren't necessarily trying to have a "wild phase" like the OP describes, but they definitely went into dating relationships expecting them to have a shelf life. Being of the "unsafe" variety would have definitely helped me out -- either by maintaining the women's interest longer in the relationships or attracting more first dates to begin with.

[verhrzn]

Some things seem backwards. It seems to me that almost all the guys who've struggled to attract women and post on LS about it would consider themselves to fall much more in line with the "safe" man model rather than the "unsafe" one. If the "safe" men are superior, why are they the ones that can't get dates?

 

I'm gonna be flat out honest.... from what I've seen, here and on other sites, it's because they don't try.

 

When I say "try", this is what I mean: they don't try to expand their social circle. If any consideration is given to "socializing," it's all about getting laid/dates/relationships. The guys who struggle also seem to be the ones who don't see the value in just being generally social-able. They don't see the point in making more male friends; they don't seem to see the point in having platonic female friends, unless those female friends have single female friends.

 

The guys who succeed, I notice, are the ones who have at least a passing social interest in a lot of different folks. They have wide (if sometimes shallow) social nets. They move in lots of different circles, hang out with different people. The guys who don't succeed never seem to have large or diverse social circles.

 

To use a metaphor, the not-successful guys go deep-sea fishing in a single spot in the lake. The successful guys skim the entire surface of the lake.

 

By "try", I also mean that successful guys make moves. This seems to be the absolute, number one factor in what works. They talk to women. They flirt, they go up to women at bars/coffee shops/festivals. They make an effort to be around places where women will be, and then interact with them.

 

The guys that don't succeed seem to sort of half-heartedly try; they send out lots of online messages, but rarely go up and chat to a woman in a social setting. If they do chat with her, she will be the only one they chat with. There's no diversification; the attempts to talk to women come down to only very specific circumstances.

 

Perhaps the most importance difference of all that I've seen: successful guys know their strengths. They know which women are going to go for them. They know what they offer, what they can attract.

 

Non-successful guys seem caught in a kind of mind trap where they either don't recognize what they have to offer, or are openly bitter about what they have to offer. Consider just this thread: okay, let's say a woman looks at the OP and goes "Oh man, he's a stable, mature, settled guy, let's get me some of that!" That's a good thing. She sees him as desirable, and is ready to offer him not only sex, but love and commitment (if we run with the assumption that women are wanting to settle down with "safe" guys.) Yeah, so some guys got to sleep with her previously; the OP would get to sleep with her and have her fidelity, love, and emotional support forever. Yet that's somehow a bad thing, because what he wants is to have what he perceived the "unsafe" guys had: shallow sex with inexperienced women.

 

To quote James Brown, You gotta use whatcha got, to get whatcha want.

 

Either you gotta find value and fulfillment in what you have to offer, or you gotta change and become what it takes to get what you want.

 

Successful guys get this. Unsuccessful guys don't. They want to retain their squishy, insecure, "I need love and acceptance" insides while somehow being baller players. There ain't one successful player I've heard of who gives serious concern to the idea that the woman he's sleeping with is thinking of another dude. He either doesn't care, or doesn't let it bother him.

[Camaro Guy]

Has a woman told you your face is why she's not dating you? Has anyone directly told you this? Or are you just assuming?

 

Facial attractiveness counts for a lot. Someone wouldn't flat out tell you that you're facially unattractive. Most girls aren't that bold against someone's who's 6'2' and looks like he chops down trees for fun.

 

You be surprised though what girls do when they're attracted to a guy. I witness it happen all the time with my friends.

 

Face counts a lot.

 

Some things seem backwards. It seems to me that almost all the guys who've struggled to attract women and post on LS about it would consider themselves to fall much more in line with the "safe" man model rather than the "unsafe" one. If the "safe" men are superior, why are they the ones that can't get dates?

 

I don't know if dazzled and impressed are the right words. Yes, it's very noticeable how players attract women at will, but my feelings about players were anger and frustration. They could get what I couldn't but at the same time, I wasn't able to bring myself to transform into one of them.

 

It all comes down to intangible "excitement" factors that some of us just aren't able to generate or foster but come naturally to many of the "unsafe" guys.

 

When young, my experience was that the women weren't necessarily trying to have a "wild phase" like the OP describes, but they definitely went into dating relationships expecting them to have a shelf life. Being of the "unsafe" variety would have definitely helped me out -- either by maintaining the women's interest longer in the relationships or attracting more first dates to begin with.

 

Wow. Spot on man.

 

I'm gonna be flat out honest.... from what I've seen, here and on other sites, it's because they don't try.

 

When I say "try", this is what I mean: they don't try to expand their social circle. If any consideration is given to "socializing," it's all about getting laid/dates/relationships. The guys who struggle also seem to be the ones who don't see the value in just being generally social-able. They don't see the point in making more male friends; they don't seem to see the point in having platonic female friends, unless those female friends have single female friends.

 

The guys who succeed, I notice, are the ones who have at least a passing social interest in a lot of different folks. They have wide (if sometimes shallow) social nets. They move in lots of different circles, hang out with different people. The guys who don't succeed never seem to have large or diverse social circles.

 

To use a metaphor, the not-successful guys go deep-sea fishing in a single spot in the lake. The successful guys skim the entire surface of the lake.

 

By "try", I also mean that successful guys make moves. This seems to be the absolute, number one factor in what works. They talk to women. They flirt, they go up to women at bars/coffee shops/festivals. They make an effort to be around places where women will be, and then interact with them.

 

The guys that don't succeed seem to sort of half-heartedly try; they send out lots of online messages, but rarely go up and chat to a woman in a social setting. If they do chat with her, she will be the only one they chat with. There's no diversification; the attempts to talk to women come down to only very specific circumstances.

 

Perhaps the most importance difference of all that I've seen: successful guys know their strengths. They know which women are going to go for them. They know what they offer, what they can attract.

 

Non-successful guys seem caught in a kind of mind trap where they either don't recognize what they have to offer, or are openly bitter about what they have to offer. Consider just this thread: okay, let's say a woman looks at the OP and goes "Oh man, he's a stable, mature, settled guy, let's get me some of that!" That's a good thing. She sees him as desirable, and is ready to offer him not only sex, but love and commitment (if we run with the assumption that women are wanting to settle down with "safe" guys.) Yeah, so some guys got to sleep with her previously; the OP would get to sleep with her and have her fidelity, love, and emotional support forever. Yet that's somehow a bad thing, because what he wants is to have what he perceived the "unsafe" guys had: shallow sex with inexperienced women.

 

To quote James Brown, You gotta use whatcha got, to get whatcha want.

 

Either you gotta find value and fulfillment in what you have to offer, or you gotta change and become what it takes to get what you want.

 

Successful guys get this. Unsuccessful guys don't. They want to retain their squishy, insecure, "I need love and acceptance" insides while somehow being baller players. There ain't one successful player I've heard of who gives serious concern to the idea that the woman he's sleeping with is thinking of another dude. He either doesn't care, or doesn't let it bother him.

 

Yeah, I found this entire thing to be very, very, very offensive. I try. You are implying I am one of these guys. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have many friends in different circles. I know a lot of girls too. All the girls are either taken, actively hooking up in an FWB or similiar, not looking, or not on my radar due to personality issues. I am social because I am a social being and because I want to network, not to get laid.

 

Under the Radar was on the mark. These guys excite, I don't. Whether it be physically, emotionally, etc. Girls are addicted to these kinds of guys. They never forget them. When a type of girl does settle down, it's like she's saying "not the best, but good enough".

 

It's quite clear men and women have two different understandings of what it means to be married. Who's right? I don't know.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Camaro Guy

[ThaWholigan]

Camaro Guy, you're already resigning yourself to your 'fate'. Keep feeding yourself this narrative and you really will end up crossing paths with a woman who "settles for you". You can't just say "I don't excite, my face is ugly" etc etc. There are probably uglier guys than you that made a woman's giny tingle.

 

Verhrzn was bang on with her post, offended though you may be. The thing is, whenever I or anyone else make similar posts, the narrative from guys like you is always the same - you already do those things or they're not gonna work anyway. You should probably try different things and try approaching this scenario with a different attitude.

[CALOVELY]

I'm gonna be flat out honest.... from what I've seen, here and on other sites, it's because they don't try.

 

When I say "try", this is what I mean: they don't try to expand their social circle. If any consideration is given to "socializing," it's all about getting laid/dates/relationships. The guys who struggle also seem to be the ones who don't see the value in just being generally social-able. They don't see the point in making more male friends; they don't seem to see the point in having platonic female friends, unless those female friends have single female friends.

 

The guys who succeed, I notice, are the ones who have at least a passing social interest in a lot of different folks. They have wide (if sometimes shallow) social nets. They move in lots of different circles, hang out with different people. The guys who don't succeed never seem to have large or diverse social circles.

 

To use a metaphor, the not-successful guys go deep-sea fishing in a single spot in the lake. The successful guys skim the entire surface of the lake.

 

By "try", I also mean that successful guys make moves. This seems to be the absolute, number one factor in what works. They talk to women. They flirt, they go up to women at bars/coffee shops/festivals. They make an effort to be around places where women will be, and then interact with them.

 

The guys that don't succeed seem to sort of half-heartedly try; they send out lots of online messages, but rarely go up and chat to a woman in a social setting. If they do chat with her, she will be the only one they chat with. There's no diversification; the attempts to talk to women come down to only very specific circumstances.

 

Perhaps the most importance difference of all that I've seen: successful guys know their strengths. They know which women are going to go for them. They know what they offer, what they can attract.

 

Non-successful guys seem caught in a kind of mind trap where they either don't recognize what they have to offer, or are openly bitter about what they have to offer. Consider just this thread: okay, let's say a woman looks at the OP and goes "Oh man, he's a stable, mature, settled guy, let's get me some of that!" That's a good thing. She sees him as desirable, and is ready to offer him not only sex, but love and commitment (if we run with the assumption that women are wanting to settle down with "safe" guys.) Yeah, so some guys got to sleep with her previously; the OP would get to sleep with her and have her fidelity, love, and emotional support forever. Yet that's somehow a bad thing, because what he wants is to have what he perceived the "unsafe" guys had: shallow sex with inexperienced women.

 

To quote James Brown, You gotta use whatcha got, to get whatcha want.

 

Either you gotta find value and fulfillment in what you have to offer, or you gotta change and become what it takes to get what you want.

 

Successful guys get this. Unsuccessful guys don't. They want to retain their squishy, insecure, "I need love and acceptance" insides while somehow being baller players. There ain't one successful player I've heard of who gives serious concern to the idea that the woman he's sleeping with is thinking of another dude. He either doesn't care, or doesn't let it bother him.

 

They also do not blame others/women if they fail. They look within, change what needs changing and ups their game. That is a very attractive quality.

[CALOVELY]

 

 

 

 

 

Under the Radar was on the mark. These guys excite, I don't. Whether it be physically, emotionally, etc. Girls are addicted to these kinds of guys. They never forget them. When a type of girl does settle down, it's like she's saying "not the best, but good enough".

 

It's quite clear men and women have two different understandings of what it means to be married. Who's right? I don't know.

 

It looks like you have all the answers then and got the confirmation bias you were looking for. Stay single and continue with the way you are doing things. It is working, right?

[CarrieT]

I was almost 50...

[GoodOnPaper]

Non-successful guys seem caught in a kind of mind trap where they either don't recognize what they have to offer, or are openly bitter about what they have to offer. Consider just this thread: okay, let's say a woman looks at the OP and goes "Oh man, he's a stable, mature, settled guy, let's get me some of that!" That's a good thing. She sees him as desirable, and is ready to offer him not only sex, but love and commitment (if we run with the assumption that women are wanting to settle down with "safe" guys.) Yeah, so some guys got to sleep with her previously; the OP would get to sleep with her and have her fidelity, love, and emotional support forever. Yet that's somehow a bad thing, because what he wants is to have what he perceived the "unsafe" guys had: shallow sex with inexperienced women.

 

No, what the "unsafe" guys have that we want is the key to the attraction mystery, to be able to draw women's involuntary attention with sex at the forefront. And the OP is worried that he's not going to experience that -- to the point of intentional deception -- with a woman whose primary interest in him is for an LTR. I think the discussion has established that intentional deception or manipulation is highly unlikely if he has any awareness about the issue. However, I'm not convinced that the "safe" guy can really be as desirable in a physical sense as the "unsafe" guy -- it's a shame that you have to emotionally detach to be more successful at attracting women's emotions.

[johan]

No, what the "unsafe" guys have that we want is the key to the attraction mystery, to be able to draw women's involuntary attention with sex at the forefront. And the OP is worried that he's not going to experience that -- to the point of intentional deception -- with a woman whose primary interest in him is for an LTR. I think the discussion has established that intentional deception or manipulation is highly unlikely if he has any awareness about the issue. However, I'm not convinced that the "safe" guy can really be as desirable in a physical sense as the "unsafe" guy -- it's a shame that you have to emotionally detach to be more successful at attracting women's emotions.

 

I think you have to emotionally detach to get through most of life successfully. People will respect you more and be more attracted to you when they see that you are able to be steady in rough waters, so to speak.

 

Your theory about "unsafe" guys is ok, except you overestimate their success and underestimate their humanity.

[WonderKid]

The desire for marriage enters a woman's head in her younger years. Around 18. The thought is always back there. But, some won't "settle down" until around 24. This is from my experience. Because majority women think the older they get, the less time they have to birth kids.

 

In many cases I have met women who acted like if they were 26, all hope for kids and marriage was off.

[WonderKid]

Me personally marriage or settling down hasn't entered my mind. I just think those are things need not to take lightly. Never been with someone over a year. It doesn't bother me it is what it is. Relationships take a lot of mental space. Now I am focusing it on other places. Most guys I know that are my age have kids and are at least engaged. I'm probably the only one that hasn't gotten emotionally invested into anyone.

 

How I attract people is I leave the BS at home. When I am out in public I try to be positive. I am always making people smile or laugh somehow. And the mystery is; why is this guy always happy?

[Radu]

I'm not saying that the inexperiened part is a good thing. It's bad because I can be more easily manipulated since I'm not used to girls or a relationship.

 

Marriage is a contract, don't enter sign on it, don't enter that contract.

 

And yeah, your lack of experience would make you prime candidate for manipulation ... of which some may be perpetrated by someone with the described agenda in the OP.

[Radu]

I agree with MissBee, I think you have a lot of misconceptions. I see this attitude among older, less experienced guys a lot: "Sex the Alpha, marry the Beta." As if a woman is settling for you because her wild days are over and she's now looking for stability.

Meh, in general it's true.

Though i would not divide them into Alpha/Beta/whatever.

It's more like 'swoon and try to get guy you can't get, marry the guy you can get before clock runs out'.

It happens in low numbers overall, but high enough numbers that it is noticeable.

 

I am in my late 20's, and I know many, many women. I have yet to meet someone whose priorities changed in a drastic way like this. The women who want stability, have always wanted stability. They've been looking for a husband since probably early college. That isn't to say that they didn't end up sleeping with some players or jerks; but that's not because they were looking for it, but because they were probably young and manipulated themselves. They genuinely believed a player cared for them and thus slept with them only to find themselves dumped.

The OP might be very a bit male-centric in his original post, but this is also very female-centric.

 

Likewise, the women I know who love to party have always loved to party. They might still have boyfriends, but they weren't necessarily looking; they kind of fell into a relationship because they found someone they really dug. If they were ever single again, though, they wouldn't be rushing to the altar or making looking for a relationship a priority.

 

Furthermore, I've found that us women, we get pickier as we get older. We're more mature, we're more able to figure out what we want and decide faster if a guy would satisfy us. Chances are, we're also successful ourselves... If a home and a good income is important to us, we probably got them for ourselves. We don't need a guy to provide that.

 

I have always wanted marriage, and to settle down. And yet, my standards have only risen as I've gotten older; a guy who has nothing to offer except money is just not going to be attractive to me. So even for the older women looking for stability, sorry, but you might not be as much of a "catch" as you think.

He doesn't have to be for every woman, just for enough.

 

Ppl don't generally notice all of the opportunities.

They tend to notice those that they have been trained to notice, either by experience or by watching them as they grow up [trying to recreate mommy and daddy ... choosing a girl like mom in this case].

 

You really need to stop assuming other people's motives based on nothing but their age and their gender. Stop believing what the Red Pill tells you. Go out, try to date, and just be firm about your boundaries. Decide what you want for yourself, and then only date those who offer that. Simple as that.

1000% this.

 

Also, the only way you can protect yourself long term financially [if you want this] is to not get married ... at all.

[Radu]

y

Put yourself in my shoes: you are mid 20s. You've never had a girlfriend. Never had sex. Suddenly, close to 30, women start to show interest you. You meet a particular girl. She's so sweet. So caring. So loving. Your mind short-circuits. You can't think straight. She's the most awesome girl you've ever met. You then think you want to be with her forever. So you then marry her. Then slowly, she starts to withdraw. She disrespects you. She snaps at you. She withholds sex from you. She says you aren't "compatible".

 

That is what I fear.

 

I've seen it happen.

In fact it is what shattered my Disney-like vision of marriage and overall future, because i grew up in a family without dysfunction, with my parents married together for life, very much in love with one another; i once told them that the biggest mistake they ever made as parents was not to vaccinate us against dysfunction, the fact that they protected us so much that we had unrealistic views of marriage and relationships [it was not an imputation, it was analysis].

 

I saw in 1yr, 4 of my close friends/relatives get divorced. The divorces were initiated by the women, in 2 cases kids were involved.

In 3 of those cases i would say now [almost 5yrs later], that they were unwarranted and the women in those cases ended up regretting what they did ...

There was no beatings, abuse, etc ... just good old-fashioned 'momma's little girl', failure to launch [woman refused to leave parental home after many yrs, and it was a living hell for the guy], and 2 counts of cheating.

 

It seems to me that in the cases/situations where the guy treats the woman right, she may decide to leave [and ruin him], but when he treats her like dirt and ocasionally pummels her a bit, she stays forever.

That doesn't mean that you can or should become such an animal.

 

The best you can do is remain guarded, but move forward OP.

Have good solid boundaries and in the words of my mother 'don't be an idiot'.

Many men end up in trouble in family courts [something i suspect you fear] because the D is generally initiated by her, who is in combative form and has things planned out, while he refuses to let his lawyer go all the way, or even views defending himself as an 'attack on a woman' ... something dishonorable.

 

Again, have good boundaries, don't be a shmuck, and if you want true security, refuse marriage at all costs and just live together [that's what i'd do in the US too].

[Toodaloo]

I never met a childless woman after age 25 or so. Most were divorced and had kids. All the ones I dated were either single or divorced mothers. I never met a childless woman after age 25 until I met my exW. She had been married twice before, first at 19, then again at 28.

 

 

There are some of us even older out there who have not been married and not had children... Just saying!

 

As for when women look for a husband... I knew when I was younger (up to about 22/23) that I was not ready to commit. After that it wasn't so much a husband that I have been looking for but someone I can commit to and enjoy life. I am not ready to settle down per se as I will always be a bit mad but I find I miss talking to someone who has responses other than woof...

 

So far its been idiots... or men that realistically I just do not get on with or should not be with. Shame. But there you go.

 

Not giving up though. I am sure there are chaps like me out there.

[RedRobin]

You don't get the milk for free if you commit to a girl. You are buying the cow with commitment, marriage is an extension of that. Yeah, you can "sell" the cow at any time but you still have to go through the trouble of "buying" the cow.

 

And yes, I bought into the lie that college was just one big free for all where promiscuous girls just throw themselves at you. I didn't even know most women won't even make the slightest move. It's also extremely hard to recognize signs of interest. I don't even know if I've ever gotten a sign of interest.

 

Sexual history is something that's irrelevant to ask as people can easily lie or omit details. The reason I wouldn't want a girl that's "been around the block" is because she can easily have a one-up on me. You think I want to be her first when she's been with like 10 other guys? Inevitably at least one of them has been better at sex than me. You think I want to be doing my best while she's lying there thinking about another guy?

 

I'm just trying to not screw up my future for dissatisfaction, that is why I am concerned about this.

 

 

You have a lot of misconceptions about sex...

 

 

Not long after my fiancée died, I had a brief relationship with a man who turned out to be a virgin. I was more experienced (I had been married and also had a fiancée after that... so I was having sex, like, multiple times a week for years...).

 

 

I chose to make love to him because he was sweet and caring and was looking for a relationship. Ultimately, his insecurities and occasional meanness that resulted from those insecurities made me give him the boot.

 

 

You know... Women are not these alien creatures. We want a lot of the same things that thoughtful men want. Someone to love and care for and receive the same in return. Sex is a part of that. I'm sorry that you have received some other message about what it is or should be.

 

 

Regarding the other stuff about your place in life... lots of women these days are mostly looking for a partner. That takes many forms. Determining if you want a relationship with someone is all about discovering compatibility and areas where your life meshes or doesn't. Of course, that depends on how honest the other person is, their desire for a relationship (or not), and a healthy dose of self-awareness that almost no young person has and lots of older adults struggle with as well... That is what life is all about. It is a journey of self-discovery.

 

 

If you are worried about being misled... here's a simple trick that works for anyone. Male or female. Look for inconsistencies. Your biggest foe is your own wishful thinking and ability to overlook when someone's words and actions don't line up. Take your time. Be objective and patient... both with yourself and the other person.