My ex still cares about me and she shows it.

[Itspointless]

True. If I came across as a prick who generalises, my apologies. Wasn't my intention

I just was surprised that you were generalizing, that was all really.

But what I meant (you might have misunderstood) is that this girl is boundaryless and if he can't handle that, and he can't (neither could I), then you should move on. I mean why change a girl, who will not change? Why waste your time.

Well some pages ago I wrote the following sentence to Farid: ‘Dont you think it is interesting that taking control already was a theme of hers even before you got controlling? Its the dynamic that matters!’ What I meant is that she almost certainly has control issues, which probably stem from her youth. The fact that they fell in love is also telling.

 

It is good that you have clear for yourself what you want, I respect it when people have given a lot of thought to that. Just be careful of sounding generalizing. I think the way people communicate sours a lot of relations between people while it does not need to be like that. We see that unfortunately happen a lot in society which is a shame

[Farid]

...but you need to man up. You really, really need to man up...

 

 

Love will make cowards out of men

It will bring mountains on their knees

You may be cast iron but you’ll bend

You’ll get knocked over by a breeze

[Farid]

my little brother michael, my other Dutch friend, and all other good Sumatrans, thank u guys so much.

 

my Afghan brother will go mad, but I'm not done fighting yet.

I may be back

 

I love you all!

[Downtown]

I never said she was diagnosed with anything.

I did write about her borderline behavior. I even said her father and brother agree with me on that.

I asked about BPD because I was married for 15 years to a BPDer, i.e., a person having strong BPD traits. If you would like to read about some of my experiences, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. I suspect you will find most of those signs to sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Farid.

[Farid]

I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Farid.

 

Thank you. This helped.

[Farid]

Ok folks,

 

I’ve been following peoples advises here and not following them. In the sense of I’ve been taking care of myself. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I eat well, I walk one and half ours everyday, I read a lot, I don’t deviate from my shrinks advises etc. etc. I’ve been doing everything right when it comes to my well being.

I’ve also learned a lot of “to do’s” and “not to do’s” when trying to get your love back.

I haven’t been contacting her to beg or plead. We’ve been only in touch for practical things like taking my phone subscription off her name, how to split our belongings etc.

And I’ve been strong. I haven’t looked miserable to her. I’ve only gotten emotional and cried only together with her. Because, while I don’t want to look pathetic, I don’t want to hide what I feel for her either. Especially when she is hurting for me.

 

What I haven’t been doing is getting over her. The reason is, I’m not in a situation where I was dumped while I didn’t deserve it. She is not the villain in this story. She is worth fighting for.

If all my efforts turn out to be in vain, in worst case scenario my recovery will be delayed a couple of months. And she is worth a couple of years of my life.

So to those good people who are concerned about my well being and told me to move on as soon as I can: Not now. Not because I can’t, but because she is worth much more to me. And let me put it to you that not in all cases the right thing to do is to forget and move on. Sometimes it’s worth your time, effort and sacrifice.

 

So as you can see I’m not interested in any advice that involves “forget and move on”.

I will, eventually I will. Maybe in a year, or two max. Or maybe in two weeks if I she stops caring. My problem is she hasn’t. (Problem isn’t the right word actually, I’m glad she still cares.)

Everytime we see each other she cries her eyes out. She keeps texting me making sure I’m taking care of my paperwork, my taxes, my bills etc. etc.

She keeps telling me she wants to be there for me for the rest of her life.

 

A while ago I was reading a thread here and they were discussing a similar situation where the guys is deeply in love and the girl doesn’t wanna be his gf anymore but she still cares and wants to be friends. The guy was being kinda difficult and one of the guys here said “A lot of guys here would kill for an opportunity like that!”

And I’m in that situation. She cares a lot, but not enough to get over some things. She tells me that she loves me but not the same way as before. And I wanna make use of this situation the best I can to get her back. I may be unreasonable, I may be acting like an idiot, but I’m in love. My intentions are clear to her and to everybody here. I want her back. That’s it. I’m a man in love and I’ll cross the oceans, I’ll move mountains to get her back. And I don’t wanna mess it up. I wanna do it right. That’s why I’m here.

 

So the “move on” folks, I’ll listen to you, but later. Just not now.

Right now what I need is some guidance to use this situation the best way to get my love back.

 

Here is some other things I’ve been doing alongside staying away from smoking, taking care of my health etc. I stopped pleading and trying to get her back a long time ago.

I’ve shown my emotions and told her how I feel about her only when she got emotional and cried. For the rest, when we meet to take care of some stuff, I’ve been just polite and businesslike.

 

I have one major problem, I can’t, I JUST CAN’T stand seeing her with someone else. And I’ve told her this. I knew I could never hide it from her. I also know that I’m gonna scare any potential boyfriend away. I know myself. It happened before, it’ll happen again. And I don’t wanna do that to this girl. For that, and another reason which I’m going to talk about below, a week ago I went NC.

 

She doesn’t know where we are at right now coz till a week ago, almost every week we met, either to take care of some business or to just hug and cry.

On valentines day we met, got each other presents, looked at some old pictures, got emotional, hugged more, and when I saw that her mind still didn’t change about getting back together, I began to back off. I stopped contacting her except for paperwork etc, and I replied to her messages quite businesslike. Without any kisses, hearts or anything.

 

I need to go NC for a couple of months because till now we have been in contact almost every week and it seems to her it will stay like this forever. She needs to know that after our administration and division of belongings ends, I’m not going to be around.

Because otherwise she’ll live with the comfort of the knowledge that this guy, who loves her more than anything, will always be here to fall back on if her other romantic trials don’t work out.

 

Jesus, a lot had to come out. Anyways, if you guys drop in, tell me if I’m doing the right thing.

[Itspointless]

Hey Farid, your question is impossible to answer. Nobody knows if you are doing the right thing? But in honesty it probably will only be a path of hurt. I hoped for months, but it drove me pretty much insane as she also asked once a month how I was doing. Even while eventually I knew that the chances were to small to be real, I kept clinging on to hope. But I understand you, you are not ready to let go yet, I wasn't either. Unfortunately it often takes that we crawl to the inner circles of hell to see that we cannot change certain things in life. I still would like that history had developed differently, I still miss that woman. Luckily my conscious mind is sooo tired of thinking about her.

[Farid]

I hoped for months, but it drove me pretty much insane as she also asked once a month how I was doing. Even while eventually I knew that the chances were to small to be real, I kept clinging on to hope. But I understand you, you are not ready to let go yet, I wasn't either. Unfortunately it often takes that we crawl to the inner circles of hell to see that we cannot change certain things in life. I still would like that history had developed differently, I still miss that woman. Luckily my conscious mind is sooo tired of thinking about her.

 

Hey buddy,

 

What else would she do except that?

 

This girl comes running anytime I need her. She texts me for whatever reason. When she sees me hurting, she holds me and sobs like a child.

 

There is no doubt she loves me dearly. But not enough to be with me.

And I'm afraid, I'm so afraid that soon she'll get involved with someone else and I'll even lose this.

I'm so f**king scared

 

I need to make use of this to get her back or she's gone for good

I'm afraid of pushing too hard, I'm afraid of doing too little. I'm really lost.

Edited February 24, 2015 by Farid

[Itspointless]

Hey buddy,

 

What else would she do except that?

 

This girl comes running anytime I need her. She texts me for whatever reason. When she sees me hurting, she holds me and sobs like a child.

 

There is no doubt she loves me dearly. But not enough to be with me.

And I'm afraid, I'm so afraid that soon she'll get involved with someone else and I'll even lose this.

I'm so f**king scared

 

I need to make use of this to get her back or she's gone for good

I'm afraid of pushing too hard, I'm afraid of doing too little. I'm really lost.

Many woman like to feel needed (and some men too, I guess that describes me). Through the years you have become a habit to her and a cheap way to get attention. I guess her motivitions range from caring about you, habit, to alleviate some guilt. To be brutally honest, it sounds like you already lost her. Having followed your story it was bound to happen. It is not as much your fault as you like to think. But you need to address your traumas (like you do) to learn to form healthy bonds in the future and to avoid the things that happened when you felt down and were using. Many people say otherwise, but our pasts stay inside of us, we have to learn to live with it. On a positive note this also means that the good moments are still with us

[Farid]

Today we met again. She came to sort her things out. Yeah, so much for NC!

 

When she was done, she sat on the couch with me. I embraced her. Kissed her, enjoyed the moment.

 

She had new clothing. She looked so mature. She begins to look and act like a real lawyer. But behind all that, there she was. My little babygirl. The lovely creature I fell in love with. My sunshine, my precious.

 

She said the same about me. She liked my new haircut. She said that I've become "so adult".

 

In the last email, I had said "with time even the love I feel for you will fade away. Time will make us into strangers. And you are not doing the only thing that can prevent that" (Giving me a chance).

I apologized for that. I told her that I'm incapable of unloving her. She said the same (she doesn't mean what I meant. she has been clear that she loves me as a person, but not aromatically)

 

She choked up couple of times saying things like "everybody there (at work) are couples, in long relationships", "I wanted to get a cinema subscription like we had before, but then I realized that I'd have to go alone. And I didn't..." and "My apartment is very expensive, but I'm close to [her friends name]. I don't wanna move away. I already feel lonely."

I held her face between my hands and told here "here I am. Don't talk like someone has died. Don't be so fatalistic. Only death is incurable. There is a remedy for everything else." She looked down, shrugged and said nothing.

 

She wanted to "borrow" my dyson vacuum cleaner. I gave it to her.

We took the train towards Amsterdam together. I had to go to another city too. I held her all the way and I told her "No matter what happens, I'll keep hoping that one day we'll be together. Even if I get to be 90 years old, even if I'm surrounded by my grandchildren, I'll die waiting for that phone call."

Her eyes teared up, embraced me, and said nothing.

 

I gave up going NC for now. I'm planning to do this for 2 or 3 more months. After I've showed her that I've truly changed, after I've created some good memories (after many bad ones before the break up), then I'll go NC. And then she can judge me fairly and decide if she want's to walk away from all this love and affection; from the new man I'm molding my character into.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Farid