My ex still cares about me and she shows it.

[Farid]

Folks,

 

I've been convinced that to forget my ex and move on is the best thing I can do right now.

If wiping all her traces from my life also means NC with her family. Do I not owe them an explanation?

Her mom is a very sweet lady and she is very sick. I feel bad suddenly disappearing with no explanation.

And I really don't know how to put it to her...

[Farid]

Ignore my last post. Now I'm confused again.

 

(Guys I know I'm posting a lot. But I guess you guys know what desperation looks like.)

 

2 days ago, we had to meet up to take care of some paperwork. We had to go to my place.

I no longer can live in my own house after she moved out. I'm completely traumatized and I only see her absence when I'm there.

 

Also for her it was the first time she was going to my place after a month or so.

I held it together. When we began to climb the stairs, I could see it on her face that it began to become difficult for her. But she held it together too.

 

We went inside, did some paperwork. After that, she sat next to me, and embraced me. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

I began to cry. She too.

I apologized for what I did. I had a saying when we were together "Home is were you are". I told her that and said that without her I'd be forever homeless. We hugged and cried for several minutes.

 

I told her about the hell I was going through. I told her about my dreams.

"I come home, she is standing in the kitchen. I enter, I hold her and begin to cry. She tells me "It's ok. Don't cry. I'm here. Everything fine now""

And I wake up at my sisters house!!

 

When I told her about my dream where I had seen her in a white dress (our wedding) she clang on me with all her strength began to cry loudly like a child does.

 

I apologized. "We are at least still alive. You are at the peak of your life. You are so strong. You made it. You got the job of your dreams. I admire you so much." I said.

 

I told her that she can take as much time as she wants; that I deserve to go through this hell as long as she sees fit. "In the meantime, I'll keep working on myself and hope that one day you'll forgive me. Because if we don't get back together, we'll end up strangers" I said.

 

She said "No!! I'll never let us become strangers! How could I?! I grew up with you! You took care of me!".

I said "But I don't know if I can take seeing with someone else. And I'll never move on with my life if we stay in toch. I'll always be trying to get you back. It will hurt both of us."

She: "I'm also hurting a lot. You aren't the only one!"

 

Before this day, I was 99% sure that I'd never get her back. Now my hope had risen and I thought there is 50% chance.

 

But when we got back into the car, and I offered her to help her move to Amsterdam, she suddenly said "No. If I let you help me, you'll be hopeful again. There is no hope for us".

And the sky collapsed on me once again.

 

I really don't get how someone who loves me this much, can be so determined to move on

[Itspointless]

Sometimes people have too much history. Cherish your memories and the love that you have received: that is a gift good for a lifetime.

[Farid]

Sometimes people have too much history. Cherish your memories and the love that you have received: that is a gift good for a lifetime.

 

I don't know man.

One day I may be able to.

But right now it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

[Itspointless]

I understand you, I know how you feel. Do not be surprised if turns out that your feelings are also caused by old trauma. Be aware as your brain knows how to dissociate and how you have used drugs in the past to repress. Go through your pain as much as possible. It sucks but is also a chance to feeling better at some point. It can take a time ...

[Farid]

I understand you, I know how you feel. Do not be surprised if turns out that your feelings are also caused by old trauma. Be aware as your brain knows how to dissociate and how you have used drugs in the past to repress. Go through your pain as much as possible. It sucks but is also a chance to feeling better at some point. It can take a time ...

 

I went trough 2 wars and, death of my dad, having to leave all my friends (twice) and this never happened to me.

 

Man, the thing is, I know that I'll have to wipe all traces of this girl from my life in order to move on.

I accidentally see a file or folder belonging to her in my pc, and I come crushing down. All progress is lost.

 

I told her last time that in order to move on that's what I'll have to do.

She says "no way! Who says that?!"

Well, just about 99% of relationship counselors I've ever read. Alongside me thinking the same.

 

I'm giving it about 2 more months. Then I'll tell her one last time what I'll have to do to move on. Right now she'd like to have it both ways. Not be my gf, and have me in her life.

 

I deserve a lot for things I did. I deserve to burn in hell for a thousand years, but what I don't deserve is losing her. That's worse than death.

I wouldn't do that to her even if she had cheated and made me raise the bastards of 5 different guys.

 

Taking her from me is just too brutal, too cruel.

If I come to find out she doesn't feel the same way, then we just don't feel the same for each other anymore. And that's what make the one, who want's the relationship to continue, miserable.

[Itspointless]

I went trough 2 wars and, death of my dad, having to leave all my friends (twice) and this never happened to me.

 

Man, the thing is, I know that I'll have to wipe all traces of this girl from my life in order to move on.

I accidentally see a file or folder belonging to her in my pc, and I come crushing down. All progress is lost.

Well, I think you are partly right. Yes you have to take distance from her, and yes you have to put the things you have of her out of side. But - and I particularly say this to you and not to most of the other posters – you already were traumatized. You already know you are suffering from PTSD. Your situation is more complex than that of most people posting here. My reading is that you never felt this way (this horrible) as you always managed to suppress. You had to as the eldest, at least that was what you told yourself, right? But with the experiences you are going through now, a lot of emotions have been touched that were dormant. It feels horrible, but it is a positive thing as it gives you a change to really get to a better place.

 

She filled a void in you. Taking her is brutal and cruel, but you need to address these things to really be able to be happy again without drugs.

[michael-034]

Brother, you need to let it go. Seriously this **** is not healthy.. It's kind of funny because I have the same heritage as you (and proud because of it), and live in the same country as you do..

 

Listen carefully when I tell you that contemplating suicide is a ****ing stupid idea.. You're Afghan, I don't now, if like me, you're religious.. but how are you going to justify an action as suicide when you're being judged by God? You're going to say because a girl hurt you? Life is pain. Life is about letting go, think of it.. you let go of your children, of money, of your health, your looks, your youth and eventually your death. And every single time when you get more gracefull in letting things go without losing yourself and your dignity, that's when you get a better understanding of life and you become higher spiritually..

Hell even if you're not religious how are you going to justify this to yourself. I mean are you crazy, taking the easy way out just because some girl broke your heart. You think you're the only one in the world hurting? You think this pain you're feeling hasn't been felt by millions and even a worse pain, and they got over it without thinking about suicide..

We've all been there. This girl does not define you. And I know you're hurting and I can promise you it's going to hurt even more for a while, but eventually you'll climb out of this ****. I promise you.

 

And I'm not trying to be an ass or anything but mixing it up with a Dutch girl while you're Afghan: terrible idea. I did that a few years ago too.. pretty stupid.. Your too different culturally, you can see that in her idea's regarding ''cheating''..You want to listen to some Afghan music and she wants some Frans Bauer ****.. It will clash, it generally doesn't work. Even if you're together and get married you're just too different. Dutch generally are a lot more detached and think that a divorce is just a normal thing.. Do me a favor brother, find an Afghan girl from Holland. Not even from Afghanistan, but one from Holland who understands you culturally and understands your struggles. She can please you mentally, physically and spiritually like no Dutch girl or even Afghan girl from Afghanistan can do..

 

You sound very depressed. I've studied depression at universities and you can't fight it. Get yourself some medication, or continue it.. Go outside get some sunlight (very important, go for walks one hour a day whatever), get some excercise and drink lots of water (do not forget this.. many biochemical reactions in your brain depend on the presence of water, getting a chronical deficiency can cause a depression.. there have been retrospective studies conforming this.. ) and again stay active. Hell if you can't work, get out and do some excercise. Run in the park, you know go to the gym, play some soccer, just do something and don't stay at home feeling sorry for yourself..

 

As for your question, come on brother you know the answer.. staying friends: terrible idea. Just tell her the truth, that you're hurting and that you need to heal first before you can even THINK about being friends. When you're ok with seeing her with another man, then if you want you can be friends. But a): that will take a lot of time like at least half a year and b): I highly doubt when you're over it that you would even want to be friends.. Don't idolise her, don't think that you're love is something that you can never find again. You can find better. And you're asking if you should stay friends.. What could that possibly bring you? She's going to tell you she met this new guy, or you'll see her drunk at bars, making yourself crazy. This is a ****ing stupid idea. Don't do it. I know it's tempting, but don't. Just don't.

 

I mean come on you took a lot of **** when you were young, we're seeing our brothers being slaughtered and living in poverty and we were so blessed to get to a country where we are educated, have money and are generally safe.. and you want to take that blessing and basically spit on God's face because of some girl? Are you serious? You must be crazy or something.. Man we owe it to our brothers alone to never even think about such a stupid idea...Don't get me wrong. I know it's hard. I know it hurts, and it will take some time. But I can 100% promise and guarantee you this: you will, you absolutely will, 100%, guaranteed get over this. Eventually, maybe days or weeks will pass, where you won't even think about her. Don't give up. Don't take the selfish and coward's way out by even thinking about suicide anymore. There is a saying from AA meetings I think that says: '' don't give up 5 minutes before a miracle happens''.. Think about that.. You might meet a girl in a year or so that's absolutely amazing but no you won't because you're dead because of suicide..

You'll get over this and you'll be a lot stronger for it. See it as a blessing. You'll just get tougher.. You think because you chased this girl for months ( I chased mine for ****ing 10 years) and that you finally got her that life is over. You're crushed.. But you can rise from these ashes of defeat that were meant for victory... Not only you can, but you will. You just have to believe it and go strictly 100% NC. Pay the price for what happened, and take it as a man. Take the pain, take the hurt, I don't care even cry or hit walls, but stay NC.. and with NC i mean no pictures, no text, no smelling t-shirts or whatever. stay NC, take the pain and move on. I promise you in a few month's if you stay NC , you'll laugh about the pain you're feeling now even though it's a horrible pain you're feeling right now.. I've been there, I came out of it, so can you.. Stop thinking about those things.. I can tell you what helped me, maybe it can help you too

 

- a sport called freeletics (go and youtube/google it, it costs money but you can download the pdf with the excercises)

- changed my clothes and outfit

- ****ed up my school for about a month.. Just watched loads of tv series, movies.. Hell watch some comedy shows or stand up comedy. It will force you to make you smile

- took all her stuf put in in a box and hid it where it's hard to access

- I did a water fast (eating nothing but only drinking water) for about 10 days post break up.. Try and read about it. I did that because it drained my energy and had literally no energy to feel sorry for myself. It will also help to put things into perspective

- put things in perspective again.. I mean look at what's happening in the world and with our brothers.. They take the pain and the torture as men.. We're bitching about some girl

 

and keep your meds up. No shame in taking meds.. Depression is a ****ed up disease and meds will really help you out.

 

And remember most of all, you're not alone in this, and one day you're smile will come back. I guarantee you, I've been there..

[elaine567]

Brother, you need to let it go. Seriously this **** is not healthy.. It's kind of funny because I have the same heritage as you (and proud because of it), and live in the same country as you do..

 

Listen carefully when I tell you that contemplating suicide is a ****ing stupid idea.. You're Afghan, I don't now, if like me, you're religious.. but how are you going to justify an action as suicide when you're being judged by God? You're going to say because a girl hurt you? Life is pain. Life is about letting go, think of it.. you let go of your children, of money, of your health, your looks, your youth and eventually your death. And every single time when you get more gracefull in letting things go without losing yourself and your dignity, that's when you get a better understanding of life and you become higher spiritually..

Hell even if you're not religious how are you going to justify this to yourself. I mean are you crazy, taking the easy way out just because some girl broke your heart. You think you're the only one in the world hurting? You think this pain you're feeling hasn't been felt by millions and even a worse pain, and they got over it without thinking about suicide..

We've all been there. This girl does not define you. And I know you're hurting and I can promise you it's going to hurt even more for a while, but eventually you'll climb out of this ****. I promise you.

 

And I'm not trying to be an ass or anything but mixing it up with a Dutch girl while you're Afghan: terrible idea. I did that a few years ago too.. pretty stupid.. Your too different culturally, you can see that in her idea's regarding ''cheating''..You want to listen to some Afghan music and she wants some Frans Bauer ****.. It will clash, it generally doesn't work. Even if you're together and get married you're just too different. Dutch generally are a lot more detached and think that a divorce is just a normal thing.. Do me a favor brother, find an Afghan girl from Holland. Not even from Afghanistan, but one from Holland who understands you culturally and understands your struggles. She can please you mentally, physically and spiritually like no Dutch girl or even Afghan girl from Afghanistan can do..

 

You sound very depressed. I've studied depression at universities and you can't fight it. Get yourself some medication, or continue it.. Go outside get some sunlight (very important, go for walks one hour a day whatever), get some excercise and drink lots of water (do not forget this.. many biochemical reactions in your brain depend on the presence of water, getting a chronical deficiency can cause a depression.. there have been retrospective studies conforming this.. ) and again stay active. Hell if you can't work, get out and do some excercise. Run in the park, you know go to the gym, play some soccer, just do something and don't stay at home feeling sorry for yourself..

 

As for your question, come on brother you know the answer.. staying friends: terrible idea. Just tell her the truth, that you're hurting and that you need to heal first before you can even THINK about being friends. When you're ok with seeing her with another man, then if you want you can be friends. But a): that will take a lot of time like at least half a year and b): I highly doubt when you're over it that you would even want to be friends.. Don't idolise her, don't think that you're love is something that you can never find again. You can find better. And you're asking if you should stay friends.. What could that possibly bring you? She's going to tell you she met this new guy, or you'll see her drunk at bars, making yourself crazy. This is a ****ing stupid idea. Don't do it. I know it's tempting, but don't. Just don't.

 

I mean come on you took a lot of **** when you were young, we're seeing our brothers being slaughtered and living in poverty and we were so blessed to get to a country where we are educated, have money and are generally safe.. and you want to take that blessing and basically spit on God's face because of some girl? Are you serious? You must be crazy or something.. Man we owe it to our brothers alone to never even think about such a stupid idea...Don't get me wrong. I know it's hard. I know it hurts, and it will take some time. But I can 100% promise and guarantee you this: you will, you absolutely will, 100%, guaranteed get over this. Eventually, maybe days or weeks will pass, where you won't even think about her. Don't give up. Don't take the selfish and coward's way out by even thinking about suicide anymore. There is a saying from AA meetings I think that says: '' don't give up 5 minutes before a miracle happens''.. Think about that.. You might meet a girl in a year or so that's absolutely amazing but no you won't because you're dead because of suicide..

You'll get over this and you'll be a lot stronger for it. See it as a blessing. You'll just get tougher.. You think because you chased this girl for months ( I chased mine for ****ing 10 years) and that you finally got her that life is over. You're crushed.. But you can rise from these ashes of defeat that were meant for victory... Not only you can, but you will. You just have to believe it and go strictly 100% NC. Pay the price for what happened, and take it as a man. Take the pain, take the hurt, I don't care even cry or hit walls, but stay NC.. and with NC i mean no pictures, no text, no smelling t-shirts or whatever. stay NC, take the pain and move on. I promise you in a few month's if you stay NC , you'll laugh about the pain you're feeling now even though it's a horrible pain you're feeling right now.. I've been there, I came out of it, so can you.. Stop thinking about those things.. I can tell you what helped me, maybe it can help you too

 

- a sport called freeletics (go and youtube/google it, it costs money but you can download the pdf with the excercises)

- changed my clothes and outfit

- ****ed up my school for about a month.. Just watched loads of tv series, movies.. Hell watch some comedy shows or stand up comedy. It will force you to make you smile

- took all her stuf put in in a box and hid it where it's hard to access

- I did a water fast (eating nothing but only drinking water) for about 10 days post break up.. Try and read about it. I did that because it drained my energy and had literally no energy to feel sorry for myself. It will also help to put things into perspective

- put things in perspective again.. I mean look at what's happening in the world and with our brothers.. They take the pain and the torture as men.. We're bitching about some girl

 

and keep your meds up. No shame in taking meds.. Depression is a ****ed up disease and meds will really help you out.

 

And remember most of all, you're not alone in this, and one day you're smile will come back. I guarantee you, I've been there..

 

Wonderful post!

Take heed and listen to what Michael has to say here.

[Itspointless]

And I'm not trying to be an ass or anything but mixing it up with a Dutch girl while you're Afghan: terrible idea. I did that a few years ago too.. pretty stupid.. Your too different culturally, you can see that in her idea's regarding ''cheating''..You want to listen to some Afghan music and she wants some Frans Bauer ****.. It will clash, it generally doesn't work. Even if you're together and get married you're just too different. Dutch generally are a lot more detached and think that a divorce is just a normal thing.. Do me a favor brother, find an Afghan girl from Holland. Not even from Afghanistan, but one from Holland who understands you culturally and understands your struggles. She can please you mentally, physically and spiritually like no Dutch girl or even Afghan girl from Afghanistan can do..

I am sorry but I do not recognize the picture of the Dutch depicted here. It also seems to me that cheating is something that occurs in all cultures. For the rest yes, suicide is a bad solution.

[Allumere]

You are broken. You were in fact broken when you entered in the relationship and because those issues were not addresses/managed you were further broken down into the state that ultimately ended the relationship. I have no doubt about the depth of your feelings for her but as an outsider looking in it seems a large part of those feelings are tied to the role she played in putting some sort of bandaid over those issues (not quite the right phrasing).

 

I think you should first off give yourself a big pat on the back for recognizing how out of control you were and getting all the help you could...some folks can't pull themselves out of the nose dive so you should also consider yourself very fortunate. Also consider that the connection to your ex is much more complex than just loving her and as you get stronger and emotional healthier you may see that a lot of it was a dependency you no longer need. Only when you reach that point can you truly see whether it is worth pursuing her again in a romantic sense or that there are many many wonderful women in the world and your heart is now healthy and open to getting to know them.

[Farid]

Brother, you need to let it go. Seriously this **** is not healthy.. It's kind of funny because I have the same heritage as you (and proud because of it), and live in the same country as you do..

 

Listen carefully when I tell you that contemplating suicide is a ****ing stupid idea.. You're Afghan, I don't now, if like me, you're religious.. but how are you going to justify an action as suicide when you're being judged by God? You're going to say because a girl hurt you? Life is pain. Life is about letting go, think of it.. you let go of your children, of money, of your health, your looks, your youth and eventually your death. And every single time when you get more gracefull in letting things go without losing yourself and your dignity, that's when you get a better understanding of life and you become higher spiritually..

Hell even if you're not religious how are you going to justify this to yourself. I mean are you crazy, taking the easy way out just because some girl broke your heart. You think you're the only one in the world hurting? You think this pain you're feeling hasn't been felt by millions and even a worse pain, and they got over it without thinking about suicide..

We've all been there. This girl does not define you. And I know you're hurting and I can promise you it's going to hurt even more for a while, but eventually you'll climb out of this ****. I promise you.

 

And I'm not trying to be an ass or anything but mixing it up with a Dutch girl while you're Afghan: terrible idea. I did that a few years ago too.. pretty stupid.. Your too different culturally, you can see that in her idea's regarding ''cheating''..You want to listen to some Afghan music and she wants some Frans Bauer ****.. It will clash, it generally doesn't work. Even if you're together and get married you're just too different. Dutch generally are a lot more detached and think that a divorce is just a normal thing.. Do me a favor brother, find an Afghan girl from Holland. Not even from Afghanistan, but one from Holland who understands you culturally and understands your struggles. She can please you mentally, physically and spiritually like no Dutch girl or even Afghan girl from Afghanistan can do..

 

You sound very depressed. I've studied depression at universities and you can't fight it. Get yourself some medication, or continue it.. Go outside get some sunlight (very important, go for walks one hour a day whatever), get some excercise and drink lots of water (do not forget this.. many biochemical reactions in your brain depend on the presence of water, getting a chronical deficiency can cause a depression.. there have been retrospective studies conforming this.. ) and again stay active. Hell if you can't work, get out and do some excercise. Run in the park, you know go to the gym, play some soccer, just do something and don't stay at home feeling sorry for yourself..

 

As for your question, come on brother you know the answer.. staying friends: terrible idea. Just tell her the truth, that you're hurting and that you need to heal first before you can even THINK about being friends. When you're ok with seeing her with another man, then if you want you can be friends. But a): that will take a lot of time like at least half a year and b): I highly doubt when you're over it that you would even want to be friends.. Don't idolise her, don't think that you're love is something that you can never find again. You can find better. And you're asking if you should stay friends.. What could that possibly bring you? She's going to tell you she met this new guy, or you'll see her drunk at bars, making yourself crazy. This is a ****ing stupid idea. Don't do it. I know it's tempting, but don't. Just don't.

 

I mean come on you took a lot of **** when you were young, we're seeing our brothers being slaughtered and living in poverty and we were so blessed to get to a country where we are educated, have money and are generally safe.. and you want to take that blessing and basically spit on God's face because of some girl? Are you serious? You must be crazy or something.. Man we owe it to our brothers alone to never even think about such a stupid idea...Don't get me wrong. I know it's hard. I know it hurts, and it will take some time. But I can 100% promise and guarantee you this: you will, you absolutely will, 100%, guaranteed get over this. Eventually, maybe days or weeks will pass, where you won't even think about her. Don't give up. Don't take the selfish and coward's way out by even thinking about suicide anymore. There is a saying from AA meetings I think that says: '' don't give up 5 minutes before a miracle happens''.. Think about that.. You might meet a girl in a year or so that's absolutely amazing but no you won't because you're dead because of suicide..

You'll get over this and you'll be a lot stronger for it. See it as a blessing. You'll just get tougher.. You think because you chased this girl for months ( I chased mine for ****ing 10 years) and that you finally got her that life is over. You're crushed.. But you can rise from these ashes of defeat that were meant for victory... Not only you can, but you will. You just have to believe it and go strictly 100% NC. Pay the price for what happened, and take it as a man. Take the pain, take the hurt, I don't care even cry or hit walls, but stay NC.. and with NC i mean no pictures, no text, no smelling t-shirts or whatever. stay NC, take the pain and move on. I promise you in a few month's if you stay NC , you'll laugh about the pain you're feeling now even though it's a horrible pain you're feeling right now.. I've been there, I came out of it, so can you.. Stop thinking about those things.. I can tell you what helped me, maybe it can help you too

 

- a sport called freeletics (go and youtube/google it, it costs money but you can download the pdf with the excercises)

- changed my clothes and outfit

- ****ed up my school for about a month.. Just watched loads of tv series, movies.. Hell watch some comedy shows or stand up comedy. It will force you to make you smile

- took all her stuf put in in a box and hid it where it's hard to access

- I did a water fast (eating nothing but only drinking water) for about 10 days post break up.. Try and read about it. I did that because it drained my energy and had literally no energy to feel sorry for myself. It will also help to put things into perspective

- put things in perspective again.. I mean look at what's happening in the world and with our brothers.. They take the pain and the torture as men.. We're bitching about some girl

 

and keep your meds up. No shame in taking meds.. Depression is a ****ed up disease and meds will really help you out.

 

And remember most of all, you're not alone in this, and one day you're smile will come back. I guarantee you, I've been there..

 

Thanx for taking the time brother.

Very kind of you.

 

I was idealistic. I still am. I could live with the norms and values of an average Dutch girl. But as you may have read, this family is exceptionally boundaryless. Even Dutch people are shocked by their stories.

 

I just fell in love man.

I had never known love like this. She either. But we are both borderline personalities and also our fights became vicious.

I regret being depressed and not being able to deal with it all.

 

I did tell her that we’d either be a couple, or strangers.

Not because I want it to be so, because that’s inevitable. I’ll never be able to see this girl with another man. I just know I can’t. I know I’ll tear that man into pieces.

 

For me in order to move on I’ll have to wipe all her traces from my life and never think of her again.

So what’s left? Nothing. We’ll be strangers. I told her this.

I’m giving it one and a half month. After that I’ll ask her to give us about 2 or 3 months to hand out and see where it goes.

And after that, if it we don’t get back together, I’m walking out of her life for good.

Coz I deserve a lot of punishment for not getting therapy on time and making life difficult for us because of it. But what I do Not deserve is losing the love of my life.

I’d rather have her father and brother kick the **** out of me, put me in a coma, make me beg her for years, but not that. Not losing her. That’s too cruel, too brutal.

 

In the end, I will accept that I’m not worth to her as much as she is worth to me if it turns out to be the case. Only that will help me move on.

I’m just afraid she is making a huge mistake that she’ll regret in couple of years when I’m married and have children.

 

Again thanx a lot for taking the time brother. Very kind of you.

When I’m on my feet again, I’ll surely try out your advises.

[Farid]

I am sorry but I do not recognize the picture of the Dutch depicted here. It also seems to me that cheating is something that occurs in all cultures. For the rest yes, suicide is a bad solution.

 

I don't think he meant that.

What I had said (I think that's what he was referring to) what many people would consider cheating, isn't cheating for some people here. And by many people I mean also Dutch people.

I've asked Dutch girls "would you take a shower with a guy when having a boyfriend" and they have said "Hell no!"

Hell, there are catholic communities here where girls stay virgin until they marry. They are also Dutch.

 

Like if she gets drunk and crawls into bed with a guy, I don't care if he penetrated her or not. That just won't matter to me.

What matters is the lifestyle.

[Farid]

You are broken. You were in fact broken when you entered in the relationship and because those issues were not addresses/managed you were further broken down into the state that ultimately ended the relationship. I have no doubt about the depth of your feelings for her but as an outsider looking in it seems a large part of those feelings are tied to the role she played in putting some sort of bandaid over those issues (not quite the right phrasing).

 

I think you should first off give yourself a big pat on the back for recognizing how out of control you were and getting all the help you could...some folks can't pull themselves out of the nose dive so you should also consider yourself very fortunate. Also consider that the connection to your ex is much more complex than just loving her and as you get stronger and emotional healthier you may see that a lot of it was a dependency you no longer need. Only when you reach that point can you truly see whether it is worth pursuing her again in a romantic sense or that there are many many wonderful women in the world and your heart is now healthy and open to getting to know them.

 

Wise words my friend. Thanx a lot.

[michael-034]

Let's agree to disagree. But I'm trying to give you this advice, because I've been there.. actually we all have been there. I know, we know what's it like to be madly in love that you can't even focus.. Trust me i know this is hard, it's terrible, it's like getting kicked in the teeth over and over again for weeks, maybe even months, but eventually, the pain will subside.. But it will not if you keep contacting her. You just don't mix, let's keep the cultural difference out of it for now, but she is boundaryless and you obviously have (and you should ) boundaries.. And those boundaries are completely normal. It just won't work out. It's something you will learn to accept, don't put her on a pedestal, she has her flaws. I blamed myself after my break up too, but now that I've almost fully healed (9 months post break up), I can see that she had her flaws, and that it actually wasn't my fault .

 

Don't blame yourself for a depression, or regret you being depressed. It's nonsense, and even if it wasn't that time has past, you can't get it back. But you regretting your depression or blaming yourself for things you can not control is very unreasonable. That's like saying a short guy regrets not being taller. Im happy you get your medication now and you've acknowledged your problems.. which is hughe.

 

I promise you things will get better, don't be a fool like I was thinking that life is over. It's not. And I get that you are idealistic and you could or think you could live with the average Dutch girl, but man it's hard. It's so hard, it's a waste of time ..Doesn't mean I'm a racist prick , I don't hate nobody, I have Dutch girlfriends, I like them... but no way I would ever even consider of starting something with them.. or any other person who isn't Afghan..I just don't want to waste my time. Look at nature, I mean you have, you have tigers, you have lions, you have pumas etc, and they all (for the most part, if the humans dont interfere) stick with their own kind. Why? They are brothers right? I mean they are all cats, but they have differences in, maybe weird that I say this but '' culture'' / ''habits''. It's hard to grasp, but I'm telling you this for your own good. Try to stick with your own, doesn't mean you hate anybody, I don't hate nobody, but it just will save a lot of headache and lots of problems..My uncle had 2 divorces, both with Dutch girls, and now has been happily married for 10 years with an Afghan Dutch girl.. Don't be ashamed for who you are, God didn't make no mistakes when he made us..

 

You don't trust her reasoning, and people, in general.. they don't change. They just show you more of who they really are. This is something that is ingrained in her beliefs and in her brain, it won't go away.. Don't be that guy who settles for that, because ain't no way in the world I want my women to be out in miniskirts showing less than what she would when she wears her underwear when she goes to bed. I don't want no crazy perverts looking at her thinking oh man if I could just tap that. No, I don't want that. I want her to respect herself and I want other to that too. So it's perfectly normal you ''forbid'' her for wearing miniskirts or being drunk at her friends place. It's common sense. I mean I reckon youre not the type of guy going outside with your private areas all out for people to see, or I don't know showing your muscles and talking all big and bad, being drunk at places filled with women who are lusting for you (like the men at the places she probably is at) **** that.. It's perfectly normal. Ain't no way in the world I would want my woman to be like that. ..

 

What I'm trying to say is this: you can't trust her. Do you really want to be that kind guy providing for her, loving her, giving her affection and then she comes home drunk from wherever she was and when you ask her about it she will scream at you? It won't work.. Hell her mother even said that taking showers with other guys is ok when she was married, man she must be crazy or something. You are dependent of her, I was too of my ex, it will pass. I promise you when you put yourself out of your comfortzone,you will find out about characteristics that you didn't even dream of having. You will find out ''hey I don't need no girl to make me happy, I don't need no girl to define me''.. You don't need that poison in your life. You don't need that girl, you don't need no 1,5 months checking how it goes, take this is as a blessing tell her to **** off.. I know youre in love, I promise you it will pass. It will pass. And don't do anything stupid like tearing a man up because she was with her. It takes two to tango that is a... and b you never know when you find the wrong person you just should not have messed with..

 

As for the fact ''I don't deserve losing my love'' Im sorry, it's life. It sucks sometimes. I know pain is relative, but still try to put things into perspective. Our brothers don't deserve to live in inhumane conditions and getting their parents slaughtered, their babies killed.. You fell in love, it's your brain pumping you full with hormones and neurotransmitters that make you feel amazing. It's terrible actually, but that feeling (if you guys would stay together) eventually the receptors get internalised and that feeling of euphoria, it will leave you.. And that's when you see the person for who they really are, and this girl, you're just not compatible with the boundaries you have, and her limits (or lack there of)..

 

 

'' In the end, I will accept that I’m not worth to her as much as she is worth to me if it turns out to be the case. Only that will help me move on.

I’m just afraid she is making a huge mistake that she’ll regret in couple of years when I’m married and have children. ''

 

She won't and even if she does, well we all make mistakes and we all have to pay a price.. And what you really need to stop doing is saying this that you don't deserve it, or it's too brutal. Millions have been through what you have, they came out of it, you can too.. Life sucks sometimes, who knows why, maybe you do deserve it? maybe it's a blessing in disguise (that you will see probably about 8/9 months post break up)? ( I believe it's a hughe blessing) maybe it's God's way of letting you find a girl who is compatible with you and your beliefs, maybe it's God's way of testing you.. who knows. Take the pain as a man, just plainly say **** it, and endure it until the pain leaves, and like I said before it will..

 

My advice to you is to just tell her to leave you alone, but if you can't do that, just tell her your beliefs, tell her what you want, tell her what you will and will not tolerate (if she even wants to listen), if she does not accept and I am certain she won't, you've tried your best and then you can tell her you don't want to see her.. ever again. But now you are just postponing.. Just inflicting more damage to yourself and blocking your healing process.. 1.5 months and then trying again 2/3 months.. It will only hurt more when it wont work out..

 

If you absolutely HAVE to do this ( and I think its a terrible idea), don't wait no 1.5 months.. Wait 6 months, wait 8 months. Do some changes yourself and then see what's up. I say this because in 6/8 months if you are NC you probably think yourself like screw that and the pain I felt from that.. Stay strong, try to think about this.. Im not saying what I tell you is 100% truth and the only truth, but from what I hear, you 2.. it will never work out.. so I'd suggest you take the pain and just stop contacting her.. Good luck, you can do it

[Itspointless]

Well Farid, in the end I think I understood it right. Michael you are right, you wont find dutch woman who like it when things are forbidden for them by their men. And I think they are right at that.

[Downtown]

We are both borderline personalities and also our fights became vicious.

Farid, are you saying you both have been diagnosed as having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? I ask because, after reading your entire thread, I've seen no references to BPD at all until this post.

[Farid]

Farid, are you saying you both have been diagnosed as having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? I ask because, after reading your entire thread, I've seen no references to BPD at all until this post.

 

I never said she was diagnosed with anything.

I did write about her borderline behavior. I even said her father and brother agree with me on that. You should find it if you read my older posts.

[Farid]

Let's agree to disagree. But I'm trying to give you this advice, because I've been there.. actually we all have been there. I know, we know what's it like to be madly in love that you can't even focus.. Trust me i know this is hard, it's terrible, it's like getting kicked in the teeth over and over again for weeks, maybe even months, but eventually, the pain will subside.. But it will not if you keep contacting her. You just don't mix, let's keep the cultural difference out of it for now, but she is boundaryless and you obviously have (and you should ) boundaries.. And those boundaries are completely normal. It just won't work out. It's something you will learn to accept, don't put her on a pedestal, she has her flaws. I blamed myself after my break up too, but now that I've almost fully healed (9 months post break up), I can see that she had her flaws, and that it actually wasn't my fault .

 

Don't blame yourself for a depression, or regret you being depressed. It's nonsense, and even if it wasn't that time has past, you can't get it back. But you regretting your depression or blaming yourself for things you can not control is very unreasonable. That's like saying a short guy regrets not being taller. Im happy you get your medication now and you've acknowledged your problems.. which is hughe.

 

I promise you things will get better, don't be a fool like I was thinking that life is over. It's not. And I get that you are idealistic and you could or think you could live with the average Dutch girl, but man it's hard. It's so hard, it's a waste of time ..Doesn't mean I'm a racist prick , I don't hate nobody, I have Dutch girlfriends, I like them... but no way I would ever even consider of starting something with them.. or any other person who isn't Afghan..I just don't want to waste my time. Look at nature, I mean you have, you have tigers, you have lions, you have pumas etc, and they all (for the most part, if the humans dont interfere) stick with their own kind. Why? They are brothers right? I mean they are all cats, but they have differences in, maybe weird that I say this but '' culture'' / ''habits''. It's hard to grasp, but I'm telling you this for your own good. Try to stick with your own, doesn't mean you hate anybody, I don't hate nobody, but it just will save a lot of headache and lots of problems..My uncle had 2 divorces, both with Dutch girls, and now has been happily married for 10 years with an Afghan Dutch girl.. Don't be ashamed for who you are, God didn't make no mistakes when he made us..

 

You don't trust her reasoning, and people, in general.. they don't change. They just show you more of who they really are. This is something that is ingrained in her beliefs and in her brain, it won't go away.. Don't be that guy who settles for that, because ain't no way in the world I want my women to be out in miniskirts showing less than what she would when she wears her underwear when she goes to bed. I don't want no crazy perverts looking at her thinking oh man if I could just tap that. No, I don't want that. I want her to respect herself and I want other to that too. So it's perfectly normal you ''forbid'' her for wearing miniskirts or being drunk at her friends place. It's common sense. I mean I reckon youre not the type of guy going outside with your private areas all out for people to see, or I don't know showing your muscles and talking all big and bad, being drunk at places filled with women who are lusting for you (like the men at the places she probably is at) **** that.. It's perfectly normal. Ain't no way in the world I would want my woman to be like that. ..

 

What I'm trying to say is this: you can't trust her. Do you really want to be that kind guy providing for her, loving her, giving her affection and then she comes home drunk from wherever she was and when you ask her about it she will scream at you? It won't work.. Hell her mother even said that taking showers with other guys is ok when she was married, man she must be crazy or something. You are dependent of her, I was too of my ex, it will pass. I promise you when you put yourself out of your comfortzone,you will find out about characteristics that you didn't even dream of having. You will find out ''hey I don't need no girl to make me happy, I don't need no girl to define me''.. You don't need that poison in your life. You don't need that girl, you don't need no 1,5 months checking how it goes, take this is as a blessing tell her to **** off.. I know youre in love, I promise you it will pass. It will pass. And don't do anything stupid like tearing a man up because she was with her. It takes two to tango that is a... and b you never know when you find the wrong person you just should not have messed with..

 

As for the fact ''I don't deserve losing my love'' Im sorry, it's life. It sucks sometimes. I know pain is relative, but still try to put things into perspective. Our brothers don't deserve to live in inhumane conditions and getting their parents slaughtered, their babies killed.. You fell in love, it's your brain pumping you full with hormones and neurotransmitters that make you feel amazing. It's terrible actually, but that feeling (if you guys would stay together) eventually the receptors get internalised and that feeling of euphoria, it will leave you.. And that's when you see the person for who they really are, and this girl, you're just not compatible with the boundaries you have, and her limits (or lack there of)..

 

 

'' In the end, I will accept that I’m not worth to her as much as she is worth to me if it turns out to be the case. Only that will help me move on.

I’m just afraid she is making a huge mistake that she’ll regret in couple of years when I’m married and have children. ''

 

She won't and even if she does, well we all make mistakes and we all have to pay a price.. And what you really need to stop doing is saying this that you don't deserve it, or it's too brutal. Millions have been through what you have, they came out of it, you can too.. Life sucks sometimes, who knows why, maybe you do deserve it? maybe it's a blessing in disguise (that you will see probably about 8/9 months post break up)? ( I believe it's a hughe blessing) maybe it's God's way of letting you find a girl who is compatible with you and your beliefs, maybe it's God's way of testing you.. who knows. Take the pain as a man, just plainly say **** it, and endure it until the pain leaves, and like I said before it will..

 

My advice to you is to just tell her to leave you alone, but if you can't do that, just tell her your beliefs, tell her what you want, tell her what you will and will not tolerate (if she even wants to listen), if she does not accept and I am certain she won't, you've tried your best and then you can tell her you don't want to see her.. ever again. But now you are just postponing.. Just inflicting more damage to yourself and blocking your healing process.. 1.5 months and then trying again 2/3 months.. It will only hurt more when it wont work out..

 

If you absolutely HAVE to do this ( and I think its a terrible idea), don't wait no 1.5 months.. Wait 6 months, wait 8 months. Do some changes yourself and then see what's up. I say this because in 6/8 months if you are NC you probably think yourself like screw that and the pain I felt from that.. Stay strong, try to think about this.. Im not saying what I tell you is 100% truth and the only truth, but from what I hear, you 2.. it will never work out.. so I'd suggest you take the pain and just stop contacting her.. Good luck, you can do it

 

 

If I think of it, yes, she isn't perfect.

For example, I put money aside for months to send to Afghanistan. My families there can live from 200 euros for months.

And this girl would go and buy 450 euro bags and 350 euro boots, etc. That's not a difference in culture, that's a difference in morality.

If I knew that a cousin is hungry or cold in Afghanistan, a 50 euro meal just wouldn't pass through my throat. Now come and explain that to a west European.

I have no problem with dressing well and going out, but I hate looking like someone you are not, paying 200 euro extra for the brand name while a product of the exact same quality but a lesser known brand costs 50 euros.

 

If we were both making 3000 euros a months, I would have less problem with it. But to go and spend one 4th of your salary on clothing, which is designed for and should be worn by people way richer than us, strikes me as pretentious and quite honestly pathetic.

 

I don't wanna be ranting about someone I love so much. There is a reason why I love her: If I wasn't so sick, if I hadn't fallen from grace in such a manner, once she was so devoted to me, she looked up to me so much that she used to say (and I believe her) "If they deport you to Afghanistan, I'll follow you there and to the ends of the world. I'd rather live with you under a bridge than in a palace without you".

I preached her humanism, altruism, selflessness and devotion to loved ones, and I failed to live up to my own values. The more years passed, the worse my condition got, I became a shadow of the man I once was. I blame myself for not getting therapy on time, for tarnishing my image in the eyes of such a girl and letting her turn cynical and materialistic as a reaction to it.

 

As for clothing "rules". In the beginning this is what I told her "I have no problem you competing with your schoolmates, with your girlfriends in dressing beautiful. Be classy, dress well, but do Not compete with anybody in dressing sexy and slutty."

In her friends group, nobody dressed so revealing that I would have a problem with. Except one. An Iranian tramp who had come here and lost all control She looked and acted like a tramp. I hated when my gf hanged out with her. That's when I told her "Ok, no miniskirts and other things that are more revealing than what's average in your friends group."

As you see, I didn't have a problem even with miniskirts or other things per se. What I did have a problem with was my gf being the slutty one of the group. That's all I tried to prevent. And they interpreted it as "Oh you see?! the Afghan tries to suppress women!".

 

I don't think I'll ever turn hostile towards her. I know she was crazy, she had her own personality problems, she had some preposterous ideas, but in the end, I know it with all my being that she is a good person. Once she would follow me into the hellfire. I regret that I lost that girl.

 

Losing her is too cruel because I'd take being shot in the head like a man. No problem. But taking her away from me is like torturing your children in front of you. I don't care how much of a man you are, how tough you are, you'll have a breaking point. And that was mine. I suffered a mental breakdown when I realized she was gone.

And to hell with me, to hell with my pain too. What I can't take is it's such a pity seeing such a beautiful relationship die. It's such a waste.

 

Yes eventually I will move on. I won't be stuck here forever. But I think she is at least worth a couple of more months of my life. This girl took a lot of **** from me man. She went through a lot trying to live with a depressed boyfriend. She didn't give up on me easy. Yes she did eventually and I'm disappointed in that. I won't be miserable for her for years if she gets over me. But, because it's my fault... ok, depression is not my fault... let's say, it's not her fault that I fell from grace in her eyes. If I was healthy, I know for sure she would even wear a hijab and move to Afghanistan for me. I know she once loved me so much (she still may) and I'm gonna honor that love. I'm not just gonna walk away. Even if it's not possible to resuscitate, I'm gonna give this love a proper burial. I owe it to the beautiful years we spend together, I owe it to the paradise I was fortunate enough to experience with this amazing girl.

[michael-034]

Well Farid, in the end I think I understood it right. Michael you are right, you wont find dutch woman who like it when things are forbidden for them by their men. And I think they are right at that.

 

I agree completely, and therefore I think it is a waste of time trying to change that. They don't like it when you forbid them from being drunk at places with lots of men trying to take advantage of that situation, and that's perfectly fine. If I for example would say that's not fine I would be a hughe hypocrit, accepting them to accept my beliefs and support me in it, but I won't be doing the same thing. Therefore a man should find somebody who is willing to accept things he believes in, and actually share some of those things with her. But I agree with you, they don't like it, and they shouldn't like it.. And a man shouldn't try to change that in a person.

[michael-034]

You say there is a reason why you love her, but I honestly can't find any whatsoever. You haven't really mentioned a good one, and maybe that is, because there really aren't any. This girl just brings you pain and heartache and headaches and it simply isn't worth it. I mean the words she said, I heard it a million times. Words don't mean anything.

 

I had an addiction (painkillers) and I am only 23, but I had it for 7 years. And my ex told me she would always wait until I got better, and she would always be there, and she said things like she would never go back to her ex ever again,promised me etc. etc.. Didn't mean any thing in the end. I was lucky enough to get over that messed up addiction, but she wasn't there to help me. Nor should she have been. Obviously those words mean nothing now, because she told you, you and her would never be together.. So what did her words mean? Absolutely nothing..Don't judge her on this romantic idea you have of her, judge her by her actions, or maybe in this case, her inactions.. I'm not God, so I'm no judge but she doesn't seem like a really good person to me. I just want to say one thing, you blaming yourself for not getting therapy in time is really stupid (sorry to say that). It's not your fault, it wasn't a mistake, it was just life.. SAlright you get depressed, it's hard too admit it, I didn't admit my addction for 7 years. It's hard man having no control over a substance or over your emotions/feelings (if you're depressed for example), no shame in waiting. Don't look back, wont bring you anything. You acknowledged it, youre getting help, and that's great. Look at the positive side, not about what you should or could have done, because frankly you really couldnt have done much.. Well you don't need to explain why or why you don't want her to wear miniskirts.. This is something you obviously value, if she can't take that, you should move on. This boundaryless lifestyle is just bringing you pain.. Suppressing women, is nonsense. Let them talk. I want my women to be dressed decently, so no pervert will look at her thinking about how he would do her if he just had a chance. Don't need no chump looking at my woman, my precious woman, the person who will produce and educate my children.. No way in the world I would want that, she needs to be presentable and if she wants to dress like a ''slut'', fine by me, but I'm not looking for a girl like that so I'd move on.. . Just move on man

 

I'm going to give you some tough love, don't take it the wrong way because you're my brother and that's why Im telling you this, but you need to man up. You really, really need to man up. You need to get your stuff together, because you are losing it the way you are talking. Depressions, mental problems, all that is OK.. It's ok, but this feeling sorry for yourself and talking about ''honoring a love '' and ''torture'' and all that.. you really need to put things into perspective.

 

I know it hurts, ok, I realise this, I've been there, it hurts, it hurts A LOT but I guarantee you in a few months you will laugh about yourself and don't do that because like I said before: you can lose honor, but you can't gain it.. Don't talk about torture, because we haven't seen torture, it's the people in warzones, or the people seeing their families slaughtered who are living in torture. This is just a girl, and I know your mind tells you that she is the one and she is amazing and all that, but it's just a girl who doesn't like you and you are falling apart because of it. You chase her, but she doesn't want you and doesn't want to help you now. Hell even if you're better why would you want to be with her. Where was she when it mattered? It will be too late because everything already happened..

 

Get it together. Pull yourself out of it. You can do it. You are talking about a paradise and about to honor the love you both had. She might have said she would do the things, but to me she didn't do **** when you really needed her.. You're talking about that she might still love you? She told you that you and her will never be together again.. What more do you want? It's a really stupid idea to contact her again. You're in denial. Get out of it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Keep progressing, stay in therapy, keep using your medication, but this feeling sorry for yourself has nothing to with a mental disorder, it's just feeling sorry for yourself. And you need to stop that, because it is ridiculous.

 

But I can't change your mind so I won't try anymore and that sucks, I've been trying to change it, by investing time, but you will find out the hard way yourself (don't blame you, I did too).. This seems like a waste of time because you won't listen to what anybody says, you will still contact her, and still try.. You are in denial. It won't work, it won't last, it will bring you nothing but pain, hurt and sorrow and I want something more for you than that. You're my brother and I want to best for you, I'm not saying this because I want to worst for you. But this, you know it won't go anywhere because you just won't listen to anybody here (not just me).. NC is average of law, it will work but you won't do it..I just wish you luck and strength for the moment when that day comes.. You know where to find us here, we'll be here for you (unlike her).. Good luck

[Oneness]

Thanx for taking the time brother.

Very kind of you.

 

I was idealistic. I still am. I could live with the norms and values of an average Dutch girl. But as you may have read, this family is exceptionally boundaryless. Even Dutch people are shocked by their stories.

 

I just fell in love man.

I had never known love like this. She either. But we are both borderline personalities and also our fights became vicious.

I regret being depressed and not being able to deal with it all.

 

I did tell her that we’d either be a couple, or strangers.

Not because I want it to be so, because that’s inevitable. I’ll never be able to see this girl with another man. I just know I can’t. I know I’ll tear that man into pieces.

 

For me in order to move on I’ll have to wipe all her traces from my life and never think of her again.

So what’s left? Nothing. We’ll be strangers. I told her this.

I’m giving it one and a half month. After that I’ll ask her to give us about 2 or 3 months to hand out and see where it goes.

And after that, if it we don’t get back together, I’m walking out of her life for good.

Coz I deserve a lot of punishment for not getting therapy on time and making life difficult for us because of it. But what I do Not deserve is losing the love of my life.

I’d rather have her father and brother kick the **** out of me, put me in a coma, make me beg her for years, but not that. Not losing her. That’s too cruel, too brutal.

 

In the end, I will accept that I’m not worth to her as much as she is worth to me if it turns out to be the case. Only that will help me move on.

I’m just afraid she is making a huge mistake that she’ll regret in couple of years when I’m married and have children.

 

Again thanx a lot for taking the time brother. Very kind of you.

When I’m on my feet again, I’ll surely try out your advises.

 

What I highlighted is what struck me when I read your OP....I am not a doctor, but I did work for a psychiatrist...and I was with a Borderline for 7 years. You are doing the right things, working on yourself. Before you consider being in any relationship, with her or anyone else, you must work on yourself first, get the proper treatment. Otherwise, you will continue on this self destructive path. You are 32, there is hope, I have hope for you. My exbf is 50 and refuses to get treatment...we are no longer together and he has destroyed his life. Please, don't end up like him, you can do this....work on healing yourself first, if your exgf works on herself too, there may be a chance for you in the future...but first, comes you!

[Itspointless]

I agree completely, and therefore I think it is a waste of time trying to change that. They don't like it when you forbid them from being drunk at places with lots of men trying to take advantage of that situation, and that's perfectly fine. If I for example would say that's not fine I would be a hughe hypocrit, accepting them to accept my beliefs and support me in it, but I won't be doing the same thing. Therefore a man should find somebody who is willing to accept things he believes in, and actually share some of those things with her. But I agree with you, they don't like it, and they shouldn't like it.. And a man shouldn't try to change that in a person.

Hi michael, you might have guessed that I am Dutch considering my reactions. I have to add that I know a lot of Dutch girls who are not as you describe them. Just as I know Afghan men (Muslims) who were partying a lot - engaging in those things you mentioned - before they married. Ofcourse there is a cultural difference, but moral behaviour as I observe it has often little to do with following a religion, more with character.

[Itspointless]

Coz I deserve a lot of punishment for not getting therapy on time and making life difficult for us because of it. But what I do Not deserve is losing the love of my life.

I’d rather have her father and brother kick the **** out of me, put me in a coma, make me beg her for years, but not that. Not losing her. That’s too cruel, too brutal.

Farid you seem to be missing the point that we do not choose the sets our lives takes place on. Life places us in situations that makes us act in certain ways. I am not saying that we should not try to make the best of it, as I believe people have the possibility to be at their best if they try. But as I have said before our best sometimes is just that. It is not something we should punish ourselves for until the end of time. It was your best at that time and you have to seek peace with that while honouring yourself for trying. And even if you had moments of weaknesses, we make mistakes: mistakes are there to learn from. I now it sounds corny, but loving others starts with loving ourselves.

[michael-034]

Hi michael, you might have guessed that I am Dutch considering my reactions. I have to add that I know a lot of Dutch girls who are not as you describe them. Just as I know Afghan men (Muslims) who were partying a lot - engaging in those things you mentioned - before they married. Ofcourse there is a cultural difference, but moral behaviour as I observe it has often little to do with following a religion, more with character.

 

 

True. If I came across as a prick who generalises, my apologies. Wasn't my intention. I just met a Dutch girl yesterday at my University who was a very respectable Christian, church going girl, very softspoken and very nice. Very respectable. I have a lot of Dutch girlfriends, but wouldn't think of starting anything with them. I wouldn't think of starting anything with even an Afghan girl from Afghanistan or a Muslim Dutch girl or whatever.

 

But what I meant (you might have misunderstood) is that this girl is boundaryless and if he can't handle that, and he can't (neither could I), then you should move on. I mean why change a girl, who will not change? Why waste your time. And man Afghan men who engage in those stuff? Absolutely true. 100% true. Heck of a lot, way too many in my opinion, but it depends on the person too and there a lot of Afghan girls who basically are sluts.. Wouldn't even think of starting anything with them. I have my boundaries, they should have theres in my opinion. If they don't agree with me, fine by me, no problem whatsoever, but I wouldn't look for someone like that or start anthing.. I love my culture, I love the Dutch culture aswell, but I have my values who just dont mix with other cultures then my own. I just want a kid who was the same values I have and I have learnt, and I want him to look like me..

 

and most of all I don't want no trouble, I don't want no problems, because I honestly think starting something with a girl from another culture (leaving religion completely out of this) is just asking for trouble.. It will clash. You are Dutch, I absolutely wouldn't recommend you marrying with for example an Afghan girl or whoever we're talking about. I would recommend you marry your own, get some kids with beautiful blue eyes and blond hair and you know pass on your genes and your heritage.. I don't hate nobody, I just want to make things easier considering the fact that marriage is hard man..I don't see the point in making it harder by marrying (or starting a relationship with) somebody who has a totally different culture.. It will clash