My ex still cares about me and she shows it.

[Farid]

For those of you telling this guy that his ex-GF is in the wrong, that he should "protect himself," etc., please go back and read his original thread. He was a jealous and controlling boyfriend, and not only that, but he's the one who broke up with HER and forced her to leave. I think he's put this woman through a lot. SHE'S the one who should be protecting herself and enforcing no contact. That doesn't change because he retroactively decided he made a mistake.

 

Farid, not trying to attack you or make light of your problems. It sounds like you're on the right track in maintaining sobriety (assuming you are) and seeing mental health professionals. You're facing up to your flaws and working on them. That's important.

 

But I think you still need some time to work on yourself and examine your mistakes in this relationship with clarity. It's not the right time to try to win this girl back.

 

Those people are also telling me to really let her go and first work on myself.

You have all the right to put me down. I deserve it! You have no idea how much I'm beating myself up every single day and night for doing what I did.

But the difference now is, I'm clean since 20th December of last year, I'm getting therapy and medication consistently for the first time in my life.

I'm taking driving lessons, getting my ass up and working on my future.

 

I'm turning my life around for the first time since I was 19. I was 19 when depression and PTSD finally got to me. I'm basically turning my life around.

This time it's not words, it's deeds and everybody around me has noticed the change.

[Farid]

Bad idea. Are you looking for something more to be miserable about?

 

Why should she tell you who she is or isn't with?

 

No not the "who".

I was gonna say something like "If you get (physically) or romantically involved with someone, let me know. No details. Just a text saying "It's done" is enough"

 

As I said, I need that to first be sure that she has moved on, and to help me move on myself.

Of course I wouldn't wanna know the details. I'd hate that.

[Ducktape]

Considering your past of anger and jealousy, exactly on what ground do you think she would be honest with you on that part?

[Farid]

Considering your past of anger and jealousy, exactly on what ground do you think she would be honest with you on that part?

 

I know her. She is honest. I just know her.

Secondly, if she lied to me, it'd be good enough too.

Actually, I'd rather she lied to me instead of me waiting in false hope for many more months.

I need to hear it from her.

I'll hate myself if I move on before she did. I did enough to hurt her. If there is the slightest chance of her being hurt, I'm not planning to take the risk of her seeing me with another girl on fb. I haven't unfriended her on fb. I wouldn't do that to her. She hasn't either. I've just muted all her activities, so I don't see anything other than her profile pic.

[Standard-Fare]

Absolutely do NOT ask her to alert when she's seeing another guy. Can you not see that that's just an extension of the same controlling and jealous behavior you displayed during your relationship?

 

And trust me, if you couldn't handle her having guy friends on Facebook or swimming around other men, then you're going to blow a gasket when you find out she's actually sleeping with one. Given your anger and depression issues, do you really think you could handle it? To me it doesn't seem unlikely that you would hunt the guy down and/or make your ex miserable about it in some way.

 

Your relationship with this girl was bogged down in drama. Try to do better with the breakup.

[Farid]

Absolutely do NOT ask her to alert when she's seeing another guy. Can you not see that that's just an extension of the same controlling and jealous behavior you displayed during your relationship?

 

And trust me, if you couldn't handle her having guy friends on Facebook or swimming around other men, then you're going to blow a gasket when you find out she's actually sleeping with one. Given your anger and depression issues, do you really think you could handle it? To me it doesn't seem unlikely that you would hunt the guy down and/or make your ex miserable about it in some way.

 

Your relationship with this girl was bogged down in drama. Try to do better with the breakup.

 

 

 

Let me elaborate a little on how we got together to make it fair for myself too.

 

Here is how it began.

I ran into her on a pre-facebook website called Netlog.

I clicked on her profile, we clicked and had a one night stand. I didn't think much of it.

 

We began to chat and I was amazed that this 17 year old (I was 25 at the time) could discuss science, philosophy and politics with me. (yea, I'm a bit of a bookworm)

 

I was impressed. What impressed me even more was her kindness. When she learned about me being a warchild, my father dying in my arms when I was 13, she talked with me for hours and hours trying to console me.

 

At a very dark time of my life, this amazing girl showed me kindness and I fell for her.

Imagine the most romantic book and movie, and multiply it by 10. I completely lost myself in her!

I had no control over myself. I thought of her day and night. Finally I stepped on my pride, left my heart exposed out there, and told her how I felt.

 

She said no.

 

I didn't, couldn't give up. I wrote love-letters, poems and songs for her. I tried and tried for months. She wouldn't budge.

 

Finally I gave up. I told her "I'm getting my diploma anyway, I'm gonna tell my dr. to give me the heaviest antidepressants, and I'll move to Amsterdam to begin a new life"

 

The day I got my diploma, the last day I was gonna stand at that busstop, she ran into me.

To my surprise, she jumped on me and kissed my cheeks and told me how much she had missed me. Her mom was with her. A lovely women. We took the bus together and had very nice conversations.

The next day, she took her bags, came to my place and stayed for (what we both thought) forever.

 

 

But then, disaster:

 

She told me something dark about herself. She was in bdsm and she had already had a "master". I thought "a 17 year old? And since her 15th?!" I was shocked. Even worse, she had gone to a middle aged creep to do "sm play" WITH HER MOMS CONSENT. And she would like to keep doing sm parties with me. She told me things like it's normal for her family to "drink some wine with a guy-friend, and sleep at the same bed" etc.

 

I said "No! no no no. Hell no!"

"I'm not introducing you to my family. We can't have the relationship I consider normal.”

“We should have an "open relationship." (Where I would keep my "bootycalls" and she could keep her "master" and f**kbuddies)

 

She didn't want that. She wanted me for herself and Only for herself. Especially because a rivalry broke out between her and a girl I was dating who was in love with me. She was eastern too and would fit in my family and my concept of a “normal relationship”.

 

She wasn’t interested in any other guys, and she wanted me Only for herself.

I said “Look, if I’m gonna marry soon. And you don’t want the rules and restrictions that come with a conservative eastern family. You can’t do that. You folks are extremely liberal and boundaryless. You are gonna feel suffocated”.

 

But by now she had seen true love for the first time, and she had believed that it also exists outside of fairy tales. She clang on me with all her might, cried, pleaded and promised to do whatever necessary to be the bride me and my family had imagined.

 

In that case, when I told her to dress modestly, she covered up completely like a muslim, and became a muslim. I’m an Atheist. I never asked her that. I was amused and thought ok this will make my family accept her easier, and I let her do it.

 

She did everything more than I asked for. When I asked her to move a cm, she moved a meter, when I asked her to stand up, she jumped up, when I asked her to sit down, she lay down.

 

That’s how I introduced her to my mom and put a ring on her finger.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Farid

[Standard-Fare]

Everything you write just reiterates how complicated and messy this relationship was. To me it doesn't sound anything like the fairy tale you're trying to insist it was.

 

First off, you two started off as a one-night stand arranged on the Internet that many areas would consider statutory rape (a 25-year-old with a 17-year-old).

 

Your ex's interest in bondage, etc., and her mother's looseness with sexuality, were never valid reasons for you to become controlling and domineering. You didn't have the right to restrict what she wore and who she interacted with.

 

There's so many other things I could say. But I also can acknowledge that there are some cultural dimensions here that a lot of people (including myself) might not fully understand. I'm coming at this from a fully Western perspective and maybe that isn't fair. Also, I have no doubt that the two of you did love each other genuinely.

 

Still, the main point is, this was a dramatic mess of a relationship with a lot of problems. However much you loved each other, it was bound to meet an end. You should use this as a fresh start to improve yourself and develop healthier relationships in the future.

[Itspointless]

She told me something dark about herself. She was in bdsm and she had already had a "master". I thought "a 17 year old? And since her 15th?!"

This is not typical Dutch, this sounds messed-up as she still was a child.

 

Dont you think it is interesting that taking control already was a theme of hers even before you got controling? Its the dynamic that matters!

[lolablue17]

She still loves you, but she doesn't trust you enough to want you as her ONE!

Seems very clear and very honest, by the way.

 

The minute you started to beg and making a big drama when she didn't fall for you back , it was a sign for her that you are still exactly as you were before, "the BAD you".

 

Yes, she might want you in the future, but she might not, (who knows?) and if she does, it will probably take her a lot of time to trust you again, even years, because only if you prove patience and perseverance, she might be convinced that you've changed.

 

It's your call whether you want to wait on those terms.

[Farid]

She still loves you, but she doesn't trust you enough to want you as her ONE!

Seems very clear and very honest, by the way.

 

The minute you started to beg and making a big drama when she didn't fall for you back , it was a sign for her that you are still exactly as you were before, "the BAD you".

 

Yes, she might want you in the future, but she might not, (who knows?) and if she does, it will probably take her a lot of time to trust you again, even years, because only if you prove patience and perseverance, she might be convinced that you've changed.

 

It's your call whether you want to wait on those terms.

 

I did realize that and stopped begging after like 4 times.

 

When fate hits you with it's hammer, apparently that's when the best aspects of your character shows.

I've never been so devastated and I've never been so determined not to fall apart.

I resisted the urge to contact her after that, I've kicked my substance dependency and every day I'm gaining more ground against my depression.

 

In the last years, I was a cocktail of cannabis, alcohol and ptsd.

When the medication kicked in a couple of weeks ago, it was like someone turned the lights on in my head. Suddenly people whom I didn't trust, seemed trustworthy again, in about 20 years I could open up to my family and talk about my problems.

Fundamental changes has taken place and I'm determined to turn my life around.

But this "no contact" thing is killing me. She will never know. How will she know... I don't know what to do about that.

[Farid]

Everything you write just reiterates how complicated and messy this relationship was. To me it doesn't sound anything like the fairy tale you're trying to insist it was.

 

First off, you two started off as a one-night stand arranged on the Internet that many areas would consider statutory rape (a 25-year-old with a 17-year-old).

 

Your ex's interest in bondage, etc., and her mother's looseness with sexuality, were never valid reasons for you to become controlling and domineering. You didn't have the right to restrict what she wore and who she interacted with.

 

There's so many other things I could say. But I also can acknowledge that there are some cultural dimensions here that a lot of people (including myself) might not fully understand. I'm coming at this from a fully Western perspective and maybe that isn't fair. Also, I have no doubt that the two of you did love each other genuinely.

 

Still, the main point is, this was a dramatic mess of a relationship with a lot of problems. However much you loved each other, it was bound to meet an end. You should use this as a fresh start to improve yourself and develop healthier relationships in the future.

 

Here in Holland, the age of consent is much lower. And where I come from it's similar. My dad was 29 and mom was 15 when they married. Yes that will be shocking for some westerners, and yes he was a great husband and the best father in the world.

 

Besides, I still think I was an upgrade compared to the forty-something year old creep she was "playing" with. I saved her from herself. If her naked pictures had ended up on internet, she would have to wave her dreams of becoming a respected lawyer goodbye.

I took care of her her financially and nurtured her emotionally during her study. And I cheered her to the finish line. Now she made it and I'm proud of both of us.

Ok, I may have taken it a little hard you mentioning "statutory rape"

But that's ok, I also understand your culture. You must be from the states...

Edited January 22, 2015 by Farid

[lolablue17]

But this "no contact" thing is killing me. She will never know. How will she know... I don't know what to do about that.

 

I didn't advice you to go NC. When i said "those terms" i meant that you can be close to her as a friend (that's what she wants), fully aware that you can get hurt by her along the way (her dating others). Only a very after long period she might be convinced that you've changed.

 

But it's a big risk. I would never wait for a girl so much time. In fact i would never wait for a girl to want me more than 1 hour.

[Farid]

The days I feel strong, I post hopeful and confident things. But some days I feel very weak and this dilemma comes to my mind.

I think she should know how much I'm suffering because of what I did to her. I did tell her some of it. I told her that I was trowing up everything I ate, that I was smelling her t-shirt, pacing back and forth during the night and punching the walls...

 

I was controlling, mentally sick, during the last year I was also addicted and aggressive, I did break her heart and made her move out, and I completely traumatized myself. Now that I'm no longer numb with alcohol and cannabis, now that the medication has began to work, I'm haunted by the images of me pushing her out of my way and letting her fall on the ground, I'm haunted by the images of me bruising her arms, by her crying, her putting her stuff in plastic bags and leaving.

 

I went through 2 wars before the age of 13, my father died in my arms when I was a teenager, but I never knew trauma like this. I'm literally unable to sleep without sleeping medication. The medication makes me sleep only about 5 and a half hours. As soon as I wake up I'm hit with the images of what I did to her. During the day I get exhausted from sleeplessness and I'm able to get only 5 or 10 second mini naps. After each one, I get hit by one of those images and wake up in panic.

 

I never understood what I was doing to her because in my head, with my flawed and delusional reasoning, the break up wasn't permanent. I used to think "Of course we couldn't live without each other. She should also know it". When I told her that it was over, Oh my God, she went and threw up from sadness. I didn't understand it at the time. When she told me that she would never be mine again, I threw up myself. For days I threw up everything I ate. She had told me "It feels like mourning", then I understood what she meant. It felt exactly like when my father had died.

 

I'm tormented by my conscience. I saw the paradise when I was with her, and now I'm experiencing the hell on earth.

Doesn't she deserve to know how I'm paying for what I (or the sick, selfish and weak me back then) did to her?

 

I'm also afraid. They tell me if I let her know these things, if she sees how devastated I am, I'll never get her back.

Am I to keep playing the selfish game to get her back, or am I to let her know how my conscience is torturing me for what I did?

Would it be more likely for her to come back to me if she knew that I have a conscience after all.

This dilemma is tearing me apart!

[Standard-Fare]

What you're going through sounds like true hell but also unfortunately something you have no choice but to go through. You're gaining wisdom in the process and will come out of it a stronger man who is more capable of real love.

 

I saw this quote in an essay once and it helped me come to terms with some of the mistakes I made myself in past relationships.

 

If we really have been criminally careless with the love of our life, and driven him away, or let her go – well, then – we deserve to be unhappy, at least until that unhappiness prompts such a change in us that the miracle of a second chance (with someone else) is not thrown away.

[Farid]

What you're going through sounds like true hell but also unfortunately something you have no choice but to go through. You're gaining wisdom in the process and will come out of it a stronger man who is more capable of real love.

 

I saw this quote in an essay once and it helped me come to terms with some of the mistakes I made myself in past relationships.

 

If we really have been criminally careless with the love of our life, and driven him away, or let her go – well, then – we deserve to be unhappy, at least until that unhappiness prompts such a change in us that the miracle of a second chance (with someone else) is not thrown away.

 

Thanx for that. Very kind of you.

[Farid]

I think that I should accept that I'll never get her back.

 

Apparently since we separated, she has been having a blast.

My sis has told my brother "I can't believe her! Since they broke up, I see on fb that she has an event or party planned every other week! And Farid couldn't even eat for weeks! What a #%$&!"

 

Should I just come clean and tell her what I really think instead of waiting in false hope?

 

I'll test run what I'm gonna write to her by posting it here.

If you guys drop in, let me know what you think.

 

Or tell me "Don't do it if you ever wanna get her back!"

 

Here is what I'd tell her:

 

"I’ve been consulting my therapist and reading a lot about break ups like this.

Everybody says that if I’m to move on, I should wipe every trace of you from my life.

I don’t want to! It’s tearing my heart apart knowing that I have to.

But they tell me, and I agree, that otherwise I’ll be depressed forever and I’ll be bothering you forever.

You got over me, and I didn’t get over you. I never will if we stay in touch.

 

Do your own research. Apparently it’s a common thing. Those who leave offer the hand of friendship, and it never ends well.

Although you offered being there for me, I was never gonna call upon you. After all, I tried desperately to save our relationship, it’s you who walked away in the end.

I loved you first, and I loved you last.

 

Now I’m no longer addicted, I’m healthier than ever and getting better, I’m working on my future. I have to. Because otherwise without you in my life, I know I’ll die under a bridge. The danger of something like that happening will increase if we stay in touch.

 

You know what you mean to me, you know what I would do to keep you. But if I don’t erase you from my life and move on, it will only bring us more misery.

It won’t be easy to delete all our pictures, to throw away every gift you gave me, to remove everything from my house that reminds me of you. It will be heart-wrenchingly hard. But for both our sake, I’ll have to bite through and do it.

 

And please don’t text me back saying “If that’s what you want!”. It isn’t. You know it isn’t. You know what I want."

[Itspointless]

Now that I'm no longer numb with alcohol and cannabis, now that the medication has began to work, I'm haunted by the images of me pushing her out of my way and letting her fall on the ground, I'm haunted by the images of me bruising her arms, by her crying, her putting her stuff in plastic bags and leaving.

 

I went through 2 wars before the age of 13, my father died in my arms when I was a teenager, but I never knew trauma like this [...] After each one, I get hit by one of those images and wake up in panic.

 

I never understood what I was doing to her because in my head, with my flawed and delusional reasoning, the break up wasn't permanent [...] She had told me "It feels like mourning", then I understood what she meant. It felt exactly like when my father had died.

 

I'm tormented by my conscience [...] Doesn't she deserve to know how I'm paying for what I (or the sick, selfish and weak me back then) did to her?

Hi Farid, I feel your pain, never have been trough war like you, but I also saw my mother die when I was a teenager due to a very cruel disease that stretched over a few years. It is that feeling of pain I revisit when someone breaks with me, that indeed is a hell on its own.

 

I want to ask you, would she really feel better if she knew that you feel pain now due to it? If you love her you have to make the choices that are best for her and not for you. That perhaps means that she never knows. I have the feeling that she already knows that you regret many things that happened. Ask yourself what the purpose is of letting her know, what will the gain of that action be?

[Farid]

Hi Farid, I feel your pain, never have been trough war like you, but I also saw my mother die when I was a teenager due to a very cruel disease that stretched over a few years. It is that feeling of pain I revisit when someone breaks with me, that indeed is a hell on its own.

 

I want to ask you, would she really feel better if she knew that you feel pain now due to it? If you love her you have to make the choices that are best for her and not for you. That perhaps means that she never knows. I have the feeling that she already knows that you regret many things that happened. Ask yourself what the purpose is of letting her know, what will the gain of that action be?

 

Justice.

That justice is served.

If I suffer so much knowing my inhumanity against such a beautiful human being, imagine what it must be doing to her...

She should know that I'm more human than that monster I had become.

 

And by doing this, I'm finally ready to sacrifice the last bit of chance of getting her back for the sake of her knowing that I'm paying for what I did. And I'll pay for them for a lifetime. I'll take those images to the grave with me.

[Itspointless]

Justice.

That justice is served.

If I suffer so much knowing my inhumanity against such a beautiful human being, imagine what it must be doing to her...

She should know that I'm more human than that monster I had become.

 

And by doing this, I'm finally ready to sacrifice the last bit of chance of getting her back for the sake of her knowing that I'm paying for what I did. And I'll pay for them for a lifetime. I'll take those images to the grave with me.

Justice, is a hard concept. First of all you have to see that it was a momentary image of you that you are using now to learn, which is a really positive thing! You will accept at some point that you weren't always a perfect human being, we cannot be. I also learned that, mostly during the years living with my mothers illness. I have been ashamed for years for certain things. But at a certain moment I saw that those those moments of weakness was my best at that time. The same goes for you. With those drugs that was you, but you are more than those moments. She understands that.

 

If I am brutally honest with you than I do not think these insights will help her right now, they only will help you. You perhaps can tell in a few years, but for now I am afraid it only will burden her.

[Farid]

Justice, is a hard concept. First of all you have to see that it was a momentary image of you that you are using now to learn, which is a really positive thing! You will accept at some point that you weren't always a perfect human being, we cannot be. I also learned that, mostly during the years living with my mothers illness. I have been ashamed for years for certain things. But at a certain moment I saw that those those moments of weakness was my best at that time. The same goes for you. With those drugs that was you, but you are more than those moments. She understands that.

 

If I am brutally honest with you than I do not think these insights will help her right now, they only will help you. You perhaps can tell in a few years, but for now I am afraid it only will burden her.

 

Great insight.

I should be careful that I'm not serving myself.

 

And my heart goes for you brother. Losing your parents is inevitable, and yet, somehow also insufferable.

 

You know what I don't get. Me and her mourned like a loved one had died.

We got literally sick form sadness.

When I lost my dad, we were in Afghanistan and we had no money. I was the oldest son in the family. I begged god. I begged and cried, begged and cried "Please! Please bring him back. Please turn back time. Not now! Not now! I'm not a man yet. I don't know what to do. I need him. Please bring him back!" Nobody answered. He didn't come back.

 

And this time, we can bring us back. She can bring back her luluboy and me my binskylove. (They are the nicknames we had given each other.)

I don't get it. Here we are. Alive. On this earth. This time we can turn back time. This time we can bring us back. Why not?! Why? How can she hold back? Why doesn't she want back what she called "like being in paradise on earth" Why?! I don't get it.

[Itspointless]

Great insight.

I should be careful that I'm not serving myself.

 

And my heart goes for you brother. Losing your parents is inevitable, and yet, somehow also insufferable.

Thank you really appreciate what you say. I luckily had some people in the same age-range around me having similar situations. That was comforting in a sense. But some experiences when young influence greatly, so do your experiences. I have spoken to immigrants from Afghanistan, one person told that he often wakes up crying but does not know why. Well, I can imagine why. The situation my ex broke up with me also triggered many things as the main reason was illness: history repeating.

You know what I don't get. Me and her mourned like a loved one had died.

We got literally sick form sadness.

When I lost my dad, we were in Afghanistan and we had no money. I was the oldest son in the family. I begged god. I begged and cried, begged and cried "Please! Please bring him back. Please turn back time. Not now! Not now! I'm not a man yet. I don't know what to do. I need him. Please bring him back!" Nobody answered. He didn't come back.

 

And this time, we can bring us back. She can bring back her luluboy and me my binskylove. (They are the nicknames we had given each other.)

I don't get it. Here we are. Alive. On this earth. This time we can turn back time. This time we can bring us back. Why not?! Why? How can she hold back? Why doesn't she want back what she called "like being in paradise on earth" Why?! I don't get it.

I understand your feelings, they are a bit similar to mine. We can never enter in the world another is experiencing. As I said in an earlier message: 'Dont you think it is interesting that taking control already was a theme of hers even before you got controling? Its the dynamic that matters!' Unfortunately we cannot feel what the events have triggered within her. Just as my ex did not want anyone close with her being ill. We were not long together but that really took me apart. It still can get me. I never told her, how her actions have triggered things within me, she had it hard enough as it was.

[Farid]

Thank you really appreciate what you say. I luckily had some people in the same age-range around me having similar situations. That was comforting in a sense. But some experiences when young influence greatly, so do your experiences. I have spoken to immigrants from Afghanistan, one person told that he often wakes up crying but does not know why. Well, I can imagine why. The situation my ex broke up with me also triggered many things as the main reason was illness: history repeating.

 

I understand your feelings, they are a bit similar to mine. We can never enter in the world another is experiencing. As I said in an earlier message: 'Dont you think it is interesting that taking control already was a theme of hers even before you got controling? Its the dynamic that matters!' Unfortunately we cannot feel what the events have triggered within her. Just as my ex did not want anyone close with her being ill. We were not long together but that really took me apart. It still can get me. I never told her, how her actions have triggered things within me, she had it hard enough as it was.

 

Man you are incredibly generous to her. She left you because "did not want anyone close with her being ill"? Man, if mine had done something so immoral, I'd get over her in blink of an eye. My situation is worse coz vast majority of it is my own doing.

[Itspointless]

Man you are incredibly generous to her. She left you because "did not want anyone close with her being ill"? Man, if mine had done something so immoral, I'd get over her in blink of an eye. My situation is worse coz vast majority of it is my own doing.

I guess you can see it as generous of me, but I do not experience it as such. Sometimes people make weird decisions when they are under a lot of stress as at those moments primary responses kick in. I am disappointed yes, she shattered my heart, but can an I blame her for that? I do not know. It seemed to me that she really was unable to as she had not learned how to.

 

And is it worse if you yourself made poor decisions? I my case I have had no say whatsoever, it felt like I was tied up. I guess it does not matter what is worse, the result is the same. I had/have to accept that I knew that she was having a hard time, but did/do not know anything. We both have to accept that this is our reality.

[Farid]

I guess you can see it as generous of me, but I do not experience it as such. Sometimes people make weird decisions when they are under a lot of stress as at those moments primary responses kick in. I am disappointed yes, she shattered my heart, but can an I blame her for that? I do not know. It seemed to me that she really was unable to as she had not learned how to.

 

And is it worse if you yourself made poor decisions? I my case I have had no say whatsoever, it felt like I was tied up. I guess it does not matter what is worse, the result is the same. I had/have to accept that I knew that she was having a hard time, but did/do not know anything. We both have to accept that this is our reality.

 

Brother with this attitude you'll never know bitterness.

I'm having a particularly hard day. It's good to see how you deal with yours.

[Itspointless]

Brother with this attitude you'll never know bitterness.

I'm having a particularly hard day. It's good to see how you deal with yours.

Bitterness less and less during the years, but disappointment and pain yes.