Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

[DbleBetrayal]

Yes, it plays on my mind to divorce. I split with my WH for a year after I found out. Too cut a long story short-I still loved him and took him back, rug swept issues we should of talked about in depth (which I regret) and moved on. Our relationship is alot better than it ever was, however a bit over four years on- to be honest I still grit my teeth over what he did to me. There's a side of me that I don't think he knows about much. The are part of me that still stews over what he did intensely, a part that despises him, who he was, what he is capable of. Because even though he shows great remorse and 100% much more emotionally available, open and honest with me than he ever was before- I mean he tells me he loves me everyday, he looks at me with adoration and admiration in his eyes.... it doesn't change that niggling fact in the back of my mind that what he did was beyond evil, and it still bloody hurts and is unbelievable.

 

To be fair, we are both different people to what we were when we first met in our late teens, and when 'it' happened- in our mid 20's. Now in our early 30's we're both better people in the way that we don't conflict avoid, we're emotionally open etc- especially him- he has definitely matured, however I think it has actually intensified some things for me- simply because with age I have gained alot more self-respect than I did when I was in my teens and 20's. So it sort of puts me in a crazy limbo when I compare who he was and our relationship then, and who he is and our relationship now. However, at the end of the day, what he did is just something I can never try and understand. Yeah, it a mindf$%* - some days divorce is the answer, other days I feel it's the last thing I'd want to do because everything is so different than it was.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I'm curious about those that have R and are 3, 5, 10 years or more out.

 

Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse?

 

Do you wish you would have divorced? Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

 

It has been 4 years since d-day.

 

No I don't regret it.

 

No I don't wish I would have divorced, though I'm sure I would be just fine if I had.

 

For those who did stay and regret it, it's never too late to start over.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I am 1 1/2 years out and still have trust issues, think about divorce quite a bit. The biggest problem for me is that my wh treated the kids, me and even my mom like sh*t during the affair. I didn't know he was having an A. I truly believe I would have left. I thought about divorce a lot during that time. By the time I discovered the A it was over and he was starting to come out of the affair "fog." I thought the man was depressed maybe a midlife crisis. I would pray about it. I even wasted my birthday wishes hoping that things would get better. Had i known that he was cheating I would have ended the abuse and mistreatment to us all. Regardless of why he was such a jerk I should not have tolerated that garbage. To think that his "depression" was because he missed his affair partner. WTF! Going forward I will not allow that behavior towards us again. I wonder if I'll ever get past that. Even now when he makes statements about the lack of ethics of politicians or criminals I'm like and this is coming from the mouth of a cheater. A person who has many of the same traits as a criminal. As someone else said, if you chose to stay, your staying knowing your partner is a cheater. You just don't forget or at least I haven't yet.

 

And you shouldn't let them forget it IMO, at least not until enough time has passed to show that they've done substantial work on themself.

 

Any time my H would make comments about someone else's lack of character or morals I would always remind him that he was a cheater and therefore in no position to be judging, and he would ackowledge that I was right. Forcing a cheater to admit their similarity to someone they find morally repugnant is a good way to wake them up in my experience.

[MadJackBird]

Getting divorce was not my first choice, even being married to a serial cheater. I would have stayed together for my kids.

 

Now a little over 2 years past Dday #2 Getting divorced was the best thing for ME.

 

I'm still not sure it was the best thing for MY KIDS.

[Woggle]

I am glad I left her the minute I discovered the cheating. It gave me time to rebuild my life into something much better.

[ComingInHot]

Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

 

For me no. I only wish I had D'd 5 years Before *lol

But it was less of his cheating at the point of D and all that he was mean.

still is...

But I am better off today emotionally.

It's all what you can and cannot take, or what you will and will NOT take the eventually leads you to stay or go.

CiH*

[Bittersweetie]

Replying on the topic as a fWW, over 5 years from d-day.

 

I am extremely thankful, every day, to still be with my BH. With my A, all the issues were about me, me, and me. I am thankful that my H gave me a second chance. And that second chance was not a "get out of jail free" card in any manner. I worked hard on my issues and our relationship. My H worked on our relationship as well. And together we relate to each other much healthier than we did before the A. I only wish we had gotten to this point on a different path.

 

Do I regret staying? No. Does my BH? I don't believe so. On d-day, we owned no home, had no kids, no large assets, he was working as a contractor and I was finishing grad school. It would've been simple to divorce. Now, we have a toddler son, a home, he has a good job, and I currently stay at home. We decided together to have a kid, buy a home. He shows me he still wants to be with me through his actions, as I do with him.

 

We now have a loving, happy marriage. Is it perfect? Of course not. But now we turn toward each other to deal with things, rather than turning away.

 

I know our situation doesn't apply to everyone. Each individual has to make the best choice based on their personal situation and beliefs.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[autumnnight]

Bittersweetie, it sounds like you have an admirable, loving, and compassionate man for a husband. One who believes in redemption. That is very refreshing to read.

[badkarma2013]

Replying on the topic as a fWW, over 5 years from d-day.

 

I am extremely thankful, every day, to still be with my BH. With my A, all the issues were about me, me, and me. I am thankful that my H gave me a second chance. And that second chance was not a "get out of jail free" card in any manner. I worked hard on my issues and our relationship. My H worked on our relationship as well. And together we relate to each other much healthier than we did before the A. I only wish we had gotten to this point on a different path.

 

Do I regret staying? No. Does my BH? I don't believe so. On d-day, we owned no home, had no kids, no large assets, he was working as a contractor and I was finishing grad school. It would've been simple to divorce. Now, we have a toddler son, a home, he has a good job, and I currently stay at home. We decided together to have a kid, buy a home. He shows me he still wants to be with me through his actions, as I do with him.

 

We now have a loving, happy marriage. Is it perfect? Of course not. But now we turn toward each other to deal with things, rather than turning away.

 

I know our situation doesn't apply to everyone. Each individual has to make the best choice based on their personal situation and beliefs.

 

Good luck,

BSW

 

*****************************************************************

 

Bittersweetie...I am NOT coming down on you personally ...I am only using your post as an example....so pls do not think i am bashing you for I AM NOT....I know you are a WW whos BH seems to have gotten over it..

 

 

This is a great post for R...It seems to be working for them....

 

Has ANYONE here picked up a common theme from most of the other posters who are in R...ANYONE.

 

99% of the ones who posted here who are in R and it seems to be working are BWs ..They seem to have the capacity to forgive ...get stronger and move on...

 

BHs husbands do not seem to have capacity to do the same..I have ALWAYS thought,after reading thousands of post,articles and books..BHS (majority) Do not seem to have the capacity to forgive and move on without massive triggers,esteem issues and self doubt..and hold anger for YEARS...

 

I am no expert but this seems to be a GENDER issue..A dear college friend (very successful artist) is now in his 3rd year of R...He still triggers,has self esteem issues ...crys for no reason..and they are BOTH miserable..He said he will drive by a restaruant that his WW went with OM and (with her with him) he will get short of breath and pull over and cry....(This dude is a former Marine Recon LT with numerous deployments and I can assure you hes no damn woosie)..Many times I have asked ..WHY are you there??...He cannot answer with any logic...

 

 

I have not regreted ONE SECOND of filing for D...I knew i could not handle the Fallout of her A...( the pics sealed the deal)...I knew i would trigger...have self doubt......ALWAYS be suspicious and refused to play the role of a P.I. for eternity...I could not and would not carry that load..I forgave her and moved on...

 

If the Gender thing i have eluded to strikes a chord...I personally would like to hear from both sides...Thanks...Badkarma

Edited January 22, 2015 by badkarma2013

[autumnnight]

There may be something to that actually. I do think that men probably have a harder time, especially with the physical part.

 

You know, a lot of couples get married, are married awhile, and something that one or the other thought wouldn't be a problem actually is. If people regret a marriage over things like money, sex, religion, personality, etc. it seems logical that someone who was utterly betrayed by their spouse but tried to stay might regret it eventually too.

 

It really takes a lot of tough choices and a lot of grace to stay with someone who cheated and NOT make the marriage from then on all about the cheating. (That is NOT saying that people who D don't make tough choices or have no grace). I think a person who is respectable, when they come to that conclusion, will divorce. Like I said, it's the ones who choose to stay AND stay stuck who I just cannot respect.

[badkarma2013]

There may be something to that actually. I do think that men probably have a harder time, especially with the physical part.

 

You know, a lot of couples get married, are married awhile, and something that one or the other thought wouldn't be a problem actually is. If people regret a marriage over things like money, sex, religion, personality, etc. it seems logical that someone who was utterly betrayed by their spouse but tried to stay might regret it eventually too.

 

It really takes a lot of tough choices and a lot of grace to stay with someone who cheated and NOT make the marriage from then on all about the cheating. (That is NOT saying that people who D don't make tough choices or have no grace). I think a person who is respectable, when they come to that conclusion, will divorce. Like I said, it's the ones who choose to stay AND stay stuck who I just cannot respect.

*****************************************************************

 

I so agree, I am going to re post this: just my honest opinion........

 

"To many BH/BW THINK they can R when in their heart of hearts They DA$N well know they can NEVER get over the lies and betrayal...They try and ALL parties live thru hell until one cannot take it anymore..." This I have seen more times than I want to remember....The end result is always the same....What they should have done months or even years before...

[drifter777]

There may be something to that actually. I do think that men probably have a harder time, especially with the physical part.

Yes, that research is in. Its certainly not all BH's and no one claims that women don't care about the sex. Its just more likely that the sex will destroy reconciliation for a BH much more often the for a BW.

It really takes a lot of tough choices and a lot of grace to stay with someone who cheated and NOT make the marriage from then on all about the cheating. (That is NOT saying that people who D don't make tough choices or have no grace). I think a person who is respectable, when they come to that conclusion, will divorce. Like I said, it's the ones who choose to stay AND stay stuck who I just cannot respect.

Yes, we all see this situation differently. When someone who is not a BH states this I just wish they would replace "cannot respect" with "cannot understand".

[ladydesigner]

When someone who is not a BH states this I just wish they would replace "cannot respect" with "cannot understand".

 

Yes I felt the same reading that. I am one who definitely is stuck at the moment and reading that made me feel bad.

[drifter777]

Yes I felt the same reading that. I am one who definitely is stuck at the moment and reading that made me feel bad.

Right. Like being stuck is a choice. I'm on LS looking to move forward from being "stuck" and I have definitely made progress & hope to make more.

[No Limit]

As in my mom's case; she tolerated a lot of *****ty behavior from my father when I was just a baby, hoping to super-glue the family together. Until she discovered his affair when I was ~4 years old - she gave him a 2nd chance, only to find out a few weeks later that it had never ended when he had the nerve to take me to one of their dates. Divorce was quick, he fled the country just as fast in order to escape child support (yet he still tried going for custody, lol! Thankfully my mom got sole custody on me, today it's impossible in this country; even when the guy is police-known as violent type, as long as he can afford a lawyer he can see his child unsupervised).

 

First few years were hard, my mom had just left her homecountry and it wasn't always easy to find a babysitter etc, but she never regretted it. Today she earns very well, we can even afford more 'little luxuries' than the 4-head-families in our area and above all we have peace at home.

 

Short; did she regret divorcing? Hell no. It was hard work, but it's paid off. Can't wait to finish college and university, in 9 years I'll be able to afford her an early retirement (she's 47 now).

[autumnnight]

Yes I felt the same reading that. I am one who definitely is stuck at the moment and reading that made me feel bad.

 

I didn't mean it that way. I don't know both your stories, but from what I have read it seems that you are still trying to make the best of some pretty awful pain. I am talking about a couple of IRL people I know (one in particular) who kind of revels in making sure everyone involved stays miserable. I don't see you like that at all.

[thirtysomethingteen]

To answer badkarma it seems to be a bit of the cliche that the sex kills the BH and the emotional connection/love kills the BW.

 

In my WH's case he was not in love with either woman and lord knows men (at least stereotypically) do not need an emotional connection to have sex.

 

Men OTOH seem to be able to forgive emotional infidelity so long as the relationship doesn't turn physical. It's almost like they take it as a sort of compliment that another man wants to bed their wife...so long as he never succeeded. Whereas if a woman finds out another man wants/wanted to bed her man the claws are coming out whether she was successful or not.

 

Of course there will always be exceptions, but this is something I've both experienced and observed.

[nightmare01]

[...]

It really takes a lot of tough choices and a lot of grace to stay with someone who cheated and NOT make the marriage from then on all about the cheating. (That is NOT saying that people who D don't make tough choices or have no grace). I think a person who is respectable, when they come to that conclusion, will divorce. Like I said, it's the ones who choose to stay AND stay stuck who I just cannot respect.

 

15 years past dday here.

 

The question about whether I wish I had divorced my WW on dday is a complex one. And I think that anyone that answers that without a lot of reflection is being flippant.

 

Before my WW's affair started we had been married between 10 and 15 years. Her's started as an emotional affair, and those are hard to pin down as to when they start exactly. The affair became physical lasted until we were married 22 years. So when dday happened our lives were pretty entangled. 2 daughters, house, and the rest of it.

 

Initially I stayed because I had made vows about "for better or worse", and about my worrying about my daughters being raised around some other man - would he punish my daughters?, I couldn't stand that thought. Finances and the house also played a part in that decision.

 

You note that "love" was not a consideration. LOVE flew out the window on Dday.

 

Truthfully there have been times through the years that I have regretted staying. My daughters probably would have been ok, and financially I would be just fine by now. I also think that without my wife being around I would have been able to move on quicker and healed faster.

 

The affair is behind us now. We get along fine, enjoy each others company, have good sex, and generally speaking our marriage is good.

 

The thing is that the affair will always be there. Yes, it's in the past, but that doesn't make it not to have happened. Trust before her affair was 100%, now it's about 75-80%. I still resent that she did what she did, and that it went on for years. I still hurt from the things she said to me while the affair was going on before Dday.

 

I still get triggers - in fact we moved 1500 miles away so I could get away from things that reminded me about her affair. Divorce is still on the table should I suspect my wife of contacting her OM or if she has an inappropriate relationship with another man.

 

The scar of the affair will be there forever - and that may be a truth even if I had divorced her on Dday. To this day the shadow of her affair hangs over our relationship - it's often a subtext that's there but goes mostly unacknowledged.

 

As I said though, we are in a good place now. The M is good.

Edited January 23, 2015 by nightmare01

[drifter777]

To answer badkarma it seems to be a bit of the cliche that the sex kills the BH and the emotional connection/love kills the BW.

 

In my WH's case he was not in love with either woman and lord knows men (at least stereotypically) do not need an emotional connection to have sex.

 

Men OTOH seem to be able to forgive emotional infidelity so long as the relationship doesn't turn physical. It's almost like they take it as a sort of compliment that another man wants to bed their wife...so long as he never succeeded. Whereas if a woman finds out another man wants/wanted to bed her man the claws are coming out whether she was successful or not.

 

Of course there will always be exceptions, but this is something I've both experienced and observed.

I agree its a cliche because it is true so much of the time.

 

What are you saying that is different than what badkarma said?

[drifter777]

15 years past dday here.

 

The question about whether I wish I had divorced my WW on dday is a complex one. And I think that anyone that answers that without a lot of reflection is being flippant.

 

Before my WW's affair started we had been married between 10 and 15 years. Her's started as an emotional affair, and those are hard to pin down as to when they start exactly. The affair became physical lasted until we were married 22 years. So when dday happened our lives were pretty entangled. 2 daughters, house, and the rest of it.

 

Initially I stayed because I had made vows about "for better or worse", and about my worrying about my daughters being raised around some other man - would he punish my daughters?, I couldn't stand that thought. Finances and the house also played a part in that decision.

 

You note that "love" was not a consideration. LOVE flew out the window on Dday.

 

Truthfully there have been times through the years that I have regretted staying. My daughters probably would have been ok, and financially I would be just fine by now. I also think that without my wife being around I would have been able to move on quicker and healed faster.

 

The affair is behind us now. We get along fine, enjoy each others company, have good sex, and generally speaking our marriage is good.

 

The thing is that the affair will always be there. Yes, it's in the past, but that doesn't make it not to have happened. Trust before her affair was 100%, now it's about 75-80%. I still resent that she did what she did, and that it went on for years. I still hurt from the things she said to me while the affair was going on before Dday.

 

I still get triggers - in fact we moved 1500 miles away so I could get away from things that reminded me about her affair. Divorce is still on the table should I suspect my wife of contacting her OM or if she has an inappropriate relationship with another man.

 

The scar of the affair will be there forever - and that may be a truth even if I had divorced her on Dday. To this day the shadow of her affair hangs over our relationship - it's often a subtext that's there but goes mostly unacknowledged.

 

As I said though, we are in a good place now. The M is good.

A whole lot of what you say here applies directly to me. Maybe I have not been able to let go of the anger and shame. That has turned into contempt for her that I compartmentalize and hide away so I can make it through life.

 

We fought to gain permanent custody of our young grandson making divorce now nearly impossible. If she cheated again I would take him and leave and get to court to modify the Residential Schedule to give me sole custody of him. Barring that, I think HE is better off living with both of us. Like you, most of the time things are good. We like to travel together and its great to have a companion and partner in life. Younger people don't understand any of this - so be it.

 

As I've said many times, I regret not divorcing her on or shortly after d-day. I will never forgive her for what she did and I will never forgive myself for the horrible decision to come back to her.

[flowergirl14]

A whole lot of what you say here applies directly to me. Maybe I have not been able to let go of the anger and shame. That has turned into contempt for her that I compartmentalize and hide away so I can make it through life.

 

We fought to gain permanent custody of our young grandson making divorce now nearly impossible. If she cheated again I would take him and leave and get to court to modify the Residential Schedule to give me sole custody of him. Barring that, I think HE is better off living with both of us. Like you, most of the time things are good. We like to travel together and its great to have a companion and partner in life. Younger people don't understand any of this - so be it.

 

As I've said many times, I regret not divorcing her on or shortly after d-day. I will never forgive her for what she did and I will never forgive myself for the horrible decision to come back to her.

 

This is exactly what I don't want to happen. I feel like I'm taking one for the team. I put on a smile and am generally happy but look at my h as a very flawed individual that I can be around, have sex, talk to etc. However, I 've lost respect and love for him.

[autumnnight]

This is exactly what I don't want to happen. I feel like I'm taking one for the team. I put on a smile and am generally happy but look at my h as a very flawed individual that I can be around, have sex, talk to etc. However, I 've lost respect and love for him.

 

This makes my heart break. I know a lot of people could make a case for how HE (your FWH) deserves this kind of existence, but YOU certainly don't

[stillcold]

In the end, no matter how many years after the affair, R never ends. R is a process for LIFE, and when people say it took X years to recover or what not, what they really mean is it took them that many years to accept what happened and be able to resume a functional marriage. And by functional marriage, that does NOT mean a RECOVERED marriage. Recovery is going to be forever, and the BS will suffer for ever whereas the WS will be able to look past it more easily as they aren't the ones with the deep wounds.

 

In the end, R is not worth it if your goal is get back what you had before the affair. You can stay for many reasons, but if it is to SAVE your marriage, get out cause all you'll be doing is SALVAGING it and making yourself suffer for the rest of your life.

 

Love is deep and lasts forever, but that's also why it hurts forever if you decide to stay.

[purplesorrow]

In the end, no matter how many years after the affair, R never ends. R is a process for LIFE, and when people say it took X years to recover or what not, what they really mean is it took them that many years to accept what happened and be able to resume a functional marriage. And by functional marriage, that does NOT mean a RECOVERED marriage. Recovery is going to be forever, and the BS will suffer for ever whereas the WS will be able to look past it more easily as they aren't the ones with the deep wounds.

 

In the end, R is not worth it if your goal is get back what you had before the affair. You can stay for many reasons, but if it is to SAVE your marriage, get out cause all you'll be doing is SALVAGING it and making yourself suffer for the rest of your life.

 

Love is deep and lasts forever, but that's also why it hurts forever if you decide to stay.

 

How can you predict someone's forever?

[ladydesigner]

In the end, no matter how many years after the affair, R never ends. R is a process for LIFE, and when people say it took X years to recover or what not, what they really mean is it took them that many years to accept what happened and be able to resume a functional marriage. And by functional marriage, that does NOT mean a RECOVERED marriage. Recovery is going to be forever, and the BS will suffer for ever whereas the WS will be able to look past it more easily as they aren't the ones with the deep wounds.

 

In the end, R is not worth it if your goal is get back what you had before the affair. You can stay for many reasons, but if it is to SAVE your marriage, get out cause all you'll be doing is SALVAGING it and making yourself suffer for the rest of your life.

 

Love is deep and lasts forever, but that's also why it hurts forever if you decide to stay.

 

I know R is different for everyone, but your words seem so fitting to my situation. I just experienced False R and I will most likely NEVER recover from it.