Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

[Lion Heart]

Thankyou black hat for your insights.

 

IMO people make their own choices regardless of anything really. I'm still going to aim to live my life according to my own internal compass, as I did previously to D Day. I'm taking responsibility for myself and my children plus spending time with WH to talk about some issues, mainly giving him awareness of specific triggers of mine, WH shares many more of his concerns in this time too. BUT the pleasant, more joyful times for both of us far outweigh the "heavy" stuff we're wading through. It's only 12w 1d since D Day so I'm surprised we even have this good a balance atm. We've worked hard to get this.

 

There is NO WAY I want to live in a state of fury or punishing WH nor him, me. We've talked openly about this many times. It seldom occurs now, if at all. WH still allows me to ask questions about the A but I'm pretty sure I'm done now. I've asked everything. Should I want to ask anything in the future, I will. I asked OW too. OW didn't realise I work with her SIL, neither did I! This SIL told me alot about OW that I suspected, so I'm pretty much done there too. OWs brother and SIL have disowned OW for her part in "destroying a beautiful family".. well? Not necessary. She's done it before but still they're her issues, not my problem. It was WH responsibility to protect his marriage and family. There will ALWAYS be immoral OP in society ready to poach on anything, anytime. I just prefer not to be one of those people myself. Can't control anyone else.

Both WH and OW were VERY publicly outed by their own stupidity. Good! Not my doing - NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of their own actions have punished them good and hard. They are both on Police watch lists, imagine!

 

Still there are "new" and VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES outlined for this relationship. No cheating ofcourse in any way. I have a GPS tracker on WH phone. My cousin is a spy and is installing CCTV in certain places. Pretty cool. Pretty sh** too. WH has no access to my money anymore - period. I will never allow any partner access to my money again. Everything has been and will continue to be split 50/50. The house will be in my name only, as soon as financially possible. I'm living in the "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" frame of mind. Trust is building slowly but I never plan on trusting WH 100% again in the area of fidelity.

WH has so much more to lose than me. Just the way it is. I'm giving him a second chance which goes against my previous reaction to cheating partners. He needs to earn this continued chance by checking his behaviours. It's an over-done deal next time. Straight to 50/50 custody of the children. Everything else of mine is taken care of!

 

Basically I'm setting boundaries for my self that prevent any resentment building. WH is doing the same so we have a clearer path moving forward in any eventuality.

 

I know nothing will stop WH cheating except himself. His IC is based on diagnoses and treatment of character disorders plus dealing with his motivations for his damaging behaviours in this relationship. I've also attending IC for anger about the A and WHs entitlement issues plus anxiety since and am making good progress. I'm "dealing". WH is simultaneously "dealing" with his parents parenting of him.

 

WH and myself talk every day but mostly about future plans. If we have a bone to pick, we do it immediately. We only plan on banking good things not resentment.

Still we've set 4th July as the date for a major decision:

whether we've both made sufficient progress since D Day to stay together or not and to separate. I'm sure we make those assessments daily or even hourly together and apart. It's a miracle we are still together but our relationship is getting used to Serendipitous events. Should this be another one with longevity is yet to be seen. I used an analogy yesterday about some forms of reconciliation after As. It's like putting a porcelain crown over a tooth that actually needs root canal therapy. We're doing the root canal. We're forming the crown.

I guess it's up to us now and by 4th July I'll definitely know if the damage of the A was too much for the relationship or if we're on a better plane.

 

Lion Heart.