Author VeryBrokenMan Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Last night was a very tough night. We talked from about 4:30 when i got home until about 2am. I showed her all of the responses here and a few other things and after reading them she agreed that is was the right thing to do and wanted to do it. But she is going to call the AP and tell him that he needs to confess to his wife and then give him a few days to tell her. She is going to let him know if she does not get a call from the AP's wife confirming that he told her about the affair that she will call her. The AP has threatened to kill me if I told the wife so this is what we came up with. I'm more than a little concerned about this guy and his reaction even with this plan. I'm not really concerned about myself but my wife's safety. Any advise or comments about this are welcome. I'm sure some of his reaction is just bluffing to deter me from telling the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 This is where you have to bite the bullet... I think two things: One, people always make threats of this kind to scare others off. Rarely, if ever, do they carry the threats out. They're made more out of fear than anger.... Two, if your wife speaks to him, and tells him that in the interests of reconciliation and honesty, he owes it to his wife to come clean, he's less likely to blow up at her in the same way. However, wait and see how he responds, and act accordingly, to take wise precautions if necessary. And be there when your wife speaks to him. Listen in, and make sure it's all "above board". Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Last night was a very tough night. We talked from about 4:30 when i got home until about 2am. I showed her all of the responses here and a few other things and after reading them she agreed that is was the right thing to do and wanted to do it. But she is going to call the AP and tell him that he needs to confess to his wife and then give him a few days to tell her. She is going to let him know if she does not get a call from the AP's wife confirming that he told her about the affair that she will call her. The AP has threatened to kill me if I told the wife so this is what we came up with. I'm more than a little concerned about this guy and his reaction even with this plan. I'm not really concerned about myself but my wife's safety. Any advise or comments about this are welcome. I'm sure some of his reaction is just bluffing to deter me from telling the wife. Holy SH&T....You have an A and Fu%k my wife then threaten me...Hes lucky someone does not threaten him on sight... Most men who are scared ..will threaten and bluster ...i wouldnt put much to it.. If the OM thought he and my WW would have a 8 mo FU&KFEST and he would walk away clean ...then he is a fool... Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I think it is good that you will tell his wife. I do, however, feel iffy about her calling him and telling him that he should tell. I understand the mindset and the reasoning behind it, however, her giving him that warning could give him some time to figure out a way to gaslight/lie to his wife when it comes time for you/your wife to call her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I think it is good that you will tell his wife. I do, however, feel iffy about her calling him and telling him that he should tell. I understand the mindset and the reasoning behind it, however, her giving him that warning could give him some time to figure out a way to gaslight/lie to his wife when it comes time for you/your wife to call her. Excellent point. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 No-one here knows him, we do not know what he is really capable of. So all very well for us to sit here pontificating and telling you he is bluffing, when he may be a psychopath with an arsenal of guns in his basement just waiting for an excuse to use them... I doubt that is the case, but do I think you have to weigh up the situation carefully and it all depends how seriously you then take this threat. Does he have a history of violence, would he know people who have the potential to be violent. If he is just a "normal guy, I doubt you need worry but if he has psychopathic tendencies, is an ex con, or has a lot of power and money in the district then his threats may not be as idle as you may assume. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 And be there when your wife speaks to him. Listen in, and make sure it's all "above board". Yep, that's not ever happening again. Any conversations with him will be with me listening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Yep, that's not ever happening again. Any conversations with him will be with me listening. Do not have your wife tell his wife or him. BIG MISTAKE. Trust me on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Yep, that's not ever happening again. Any conversations with him will be with me listening. You have to remember some cheating couples will have codes ready for this type of situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You have to remember some cheating couples will have codes ready for this type of situation. There is this reason. And others. First of all, most people would rather find out from the obs and not the villain. If she wants to talk to your wife later that is different. But it is better coming from someone who also is in pain not the perp. Telling the OM will not bring about a confession. It has been months from dday. Good chance he has already done his groundwork to protect his marriage. Warning him serves no purpose but to let him know to be more vigilant. If anything he may have assumed he won't be found out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Chiming in again............. If I were you, I would not allow your W to do the talking to him or his W. Think of it this way, how would you have reacted to her AP calling you and telling you that he had been having an affair with your wife? Your reaction would have been quite different if you had found out from his W. It is most believable to the other BS to hear it from you. In her mind, you have no reason to lie to her......you are not trying to "get her man". I just feel that letting your W tell her is letting your W and her AP take the easiest way out......and quite possibly lessen the whole thing for him as he gets the opportunity to go to his W and say "listen, this crazy lady is accusing me........and threatens to call you with all these lies....." Don't do it that way. Additionally, I was threatened as well.........and stalked.....being followed down the road. With cell phone in hand, and a 911 call, the cops followed us to a point and had me park. They got him. This gave me a Protective Order for the next 12 months. In court, we explained to the judge that we were licensed gun carrying people and would not hesitate to defend. Judge agreed, issued the order, and ordered him "never contact these people again". Story ended that day. If you have his threat in any translatable form: email, phone recording, etc., take it and get a TPO..... That won't stop someone, but it will protect you if you have to "handle" it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 All good advise, thanks! Chiming in again............. If I were you, I would not allow your W to do the talking to him or his W. Think of it this way, how would you have reacted to her AP calling you and telling you that he had been having an affair with your wife? Your reaction would have been quite different if you had found out from his W. It is most believable to the other BS to hear it from you. In her mind, you have no reason to lie to her......you are not trying to "get her man". I just feel that letting your W tell her is letting your W and her AP take the easiest way out......and quite possibly lessen the whole thing for him as he gets the opportunity to go to his W and say "listen, this crazy lady is accusing me........and threatens to call you with all these lies....." Don't do it that way. Additionally, I was threatened as well.........and stalked.....being followed down the road. With cell phone in hand, and a 911 call, the cops followed us to a point and had me park. They got him. This gave me a Protective Order for the next 12 months. In court, we explained to the judge that we were licensed gun carrying people and would not hesitate to defend. Judge agreed, issued the order, and ordered him "never contact these people again". Story ended that day. If you have his threat in any translatable form: email, phone recording, etc., take it and get a TPO..... That won't stop someone, but it will protect you if you have to "handle" it. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Last night was a very tough night. We talked from about 4:30 when i got home until about 2am. I showed her all of the responses here and a few other things and after reading them she agreed that is was the right thing to do and wanted to do it. But she is going to call the AP and tell him that he needs to confess to his wife and then give him a few days to tell her. She is going to let him know if she does not get a call from the AP's wife confirming that he told her about the affair that she will call her. The AP has threatened to kill me if I told the wife so this is what we came up with. I'm more than a little concerned about this guy and his reaction even with this plan. I'm not really concerned about myself but my wife's safety. Any advise or comments about this are welcome. I'm sure some of his reaction is just bluffing to deter me from telling the wife. Having your wife contact his betrayed wife will only add insult to her injury. Contact should be by you and it could be by phone, email or in person(with your PI in attendance) if not in person follow up with a Registered Letter(that's what they call it here in Canada) that requires her signature of acceptance of the documents and that it can not be accepted by any other party. The letter should include proof of their affair, length, where, if unprotected sex occurred, who knows about it, copies of texts etc., your wife can confirm the details. Report his threat to the proper authority and inform your lawyer. Get a restraining order against him keeping him away from you and your family immediately. My bet is this is not his first affair and knows that this could be very costly for him if his wife decides to divorce him. Your wife is about to find out the kind of guy he really is, that should help kill off any remaining unicorns. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Having your wife contact his betrayed wife will only add insult to her injury. Contact should be by you and it could be by phone, email or in person(with your PI in attendance) if not in person follow up with a Registered Letter(that's what they call it here in Canada) that requires her signature of acceptance of the documents and that it can not be accepted by any other party. The letter should include proof of their affair, length, where, if unprotected sex occurred, who knows about it, copies of texts etc., your wife can confirm the details. Report his threat to the proper authority and inform your lawyer. Get a restraining order against him keeping him away from you and your family immediately. My bet is this is not his first affair and knows that this could be very costly for him if his wife decides to divorce him. Your wife is about to find out the kind of guy he really is, that should help kill off any remaining unicorns. This^^^^^^ Take back control and do it yourself and make sure it is done right. You have left things up to your wife to handle with him already and see where that has gotten you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Chiming in again............. If I were you, I would not allow your W to do the talking to him or his W. Exactly this. The reason can be a WW claiming to call and expose the OMW to get you to not do it thus continuing to protect the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyprayer Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I really feel bad for the AP's wife and feel like she deserves to know that her husband is a low life creep. My marriage and been severely damaged if not destroyed and the AP's life goes on. So I guess there is a revenge factor that would be going on. But I also I ask myself If I would want to know and the answer is always yes. My wife does not want me to expose the affair, she is afraid it will be posted all over facebook if it is exposed. We are trying to reconcile and she is doing everything she can to salvage the marriage. I'm not convinced that I want to remain married but I'm giving her a chance. Is there a consensus on what should happen? I understand how you feel, but you can work through this...but first you have to forgive your spouse. Understand something we are not perfect people we all make mistakes. Yes what she did is wrong but she should be stoned to death. You have to find out what happen in the marriage that cause your spouse to have the affair. Talk to spouse try take a walk, going to the park....but you have to talk about.....find out what not being done in the marriage that made your spouse have the affair. After you find out pray ask God to heal your marriage and make it stronger than ever before. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I understand how you feel, but you can work through this...but first you have to forgive your spouse. You obviously haven't read the OP's other thread regarding the affair... He has tried to forgive her and she has continued to lie about the affair and her motivations. Forgiveness only goes so far... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I'm just simply amazed that you even have to ask the question. I think most peoples first instinct would be to expose, expose, expose. Uggh, the audacity of your wife to care about what other people on facebook think is just astounding to me. That and it's one of her facebook friends. If I were in your shoes, I would have already messaged every friend, family member, employer, AP, AP kids, AP's dogsitter, AP's college roommate, you name it. OP is way too nice. Like nice as in pushover, never going to get an ounce of respect from anyone nice. The fact that you are even asking this suggests that you want to help or enable your wife to cheat. What's next, you gonna leave an extra spot in the bathroom for AP's toothbrush? A lot of people make the argument that it will help keep the AP away, but that shouldn't matter in your case. It's obvious that she doesn't love you anymore in the romantic sort of way. At least with exposure, she won't be able to twist it around on you once it ends. That which can be destroyed by the truth should be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bartlett67 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 If you were the APs wife wouldn't you want to know your life was a lie? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 it's been a week now, have you informed the OM's wife yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Do the contacting yourself OP. Your WW will just gaslight the BS and try to push all blame on her MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Yes, do the right thing and let the wife know. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 VBM, it has been almost ten days since you replied that you were going to tell the AP's wife (after the AP had been warned). Have you followed through? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Given the OP's several other problems, dealing with a death threat and letting the BW know would seem to be pretty low on the list. Other more pressing problems at the moment. There will always be time to follow up with this particular issue. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Oh please.... death threat....? From the man who cheated with his wife? That wasn't a death threat... that was an "I'm schyte-scared my wife will find out....!" There IS no 'death-threat'... and even if there were, the first place to go, is to the Police.... Sorry, the SECOND place.... The first place, is to his wife..... Link to post Share on other sites
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