Wife cheated, trying to reconcile, do I tell the AP's wife?

[oldshirt]

....but anyway, about telling the OM's BS, if you don't inform her then you are a coconspirator in her betrayal.

 

And it's not really revenge per se but rather consequences for bad behavior. The OM needs to have consequences for his actions. He needs to understand that if he messes with what is yours, he will have a price to pay.

[gettingstronger]

yes, tell her- I did not want to involve our OWs husband at first and then doing so set off a series of uncomfortable events but in the end, it was the right thing to do-

[pheonixrisen]

Yes you should inform the AP wife immediately ...I wish somebody (anybody) would have told me that I was being taken for a fool....don't take away her right or her choice to know /or be a part of...... a betrayal from the person she trust the most.

[elaine567]

I am all for honesty and truth and if the AP and his wife have no kids then I would say go right ahead, they deserve everything they get levelled at them.

 

This however does appear to be "revenge" attack on the AP and your WW, under the guise of "justice" and "right".

You are probably not going to reconcile anyway with your wife, so a great way to hit both where it hurts. Who really cares about the OBS, having her life ruined too.

If the AP and the WW are finished anyway the risk of STD is a moot point. (I am presuming you and your wife have been tested and are clear.)

She though is a grown woman and can probably cope.

 

However, if they have kids, then you have to consider the power you have in your hands here.

YOU could ruin their little lives in an instant. Furore, anger, resentment, divorce, fighting, depression, moving home, moving schools, single parent family, no money, etc. etc. The ramifications are endless and are serious.

And while you could justify it in one way, by saying HE and your WW ruined their lives, we all know that if you keep quiet, their lives may well be fine.

[SoleMate]

I'd move slowly, rather than acting in haste.

 

Re Facebook exposure......well, yes, that may well happen. None of us can control what other people say. Yes, it would be very embarrassing to be accused of infidelity publicly. Your wife should limit her exposure to that by disconnecting from the AP and BS on all media, immediately (regardless of whether you tell the BS). I would tend to support telling for the sake of your marriage (2 informed BS will lessen chances of restart), and the arguments about fairness and altruism to this near-stranger carry some weight as well.

 

Perhaps it comes down to what is more important?

 

* Honesty in your marriage and insurance against future fidelity

* The smoothest and happiest experience on Facebook

 

As your wife uses words and actions to answer the question above, please listen and watch very carefully. You will get the answers you need.

[KBarletta]

There are two life rules that I would go back to in this case, and both point toward telling the other spouse.

 

1. The truth is (almost) always better than a lie. Except in very limited circumstances (such as one case in my own experience when I was dealing with a relative with severe dementia and lied to him about the health of his wife because he wouldn't have known the difference and I wanted to keep him happy). In my opinion, telling the truth is better than living in the dark or allowing other people who deserve the truth to live in the dark. What they do with the information once they have it is up to them and is not your fault or your concern.

 

2. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Would you want to know? Then you should let her know. Simple as that.

[astralla]

No don't tell her, other than revenge, what would it accomplish?

 

It could cause further problems with your W as you would be going against her wishes by exposing the affair. It would cause upset and hurt for the other family, will drag other people into the situation, through FB and gossip, and prolong the hurt for all of you as you will be focusing on this rather than on trying to recover and repair the relationship.

[oldshirt]

A wrong was committed here to multiple parties. Exposure of the wrong to people who have been wronged and are still being betrayed is not revenge.

 

Revenge is bashing in the OM's car with a sledgehammer.

 

Informing his wife that he is involved with another married woman and lying to her and exposing her to health risks so she can make an informed decision on what she should do is simply the right thing to do.

 

 

As is often the case, the right thing to do is not the easiest and most convenient. And for the people committing wrong, they are always going to protest doing the right thing.

 

This is a consequence and result of their bad behavior, not revenge.

[oldshirt]

All evil needs to flourish is for good people to do nothing.

[VeryBrokenMan]

There are a ton of good points here and I can't address everyone of them. Overall consensus seems to be to tell.

 

Has anyone's MC or IC recommended NOT to tell? And what were their reasons?

[aliveagain]

I really feel bad for the AP's wife and feel like she deserves to know that her husband is a low life creep. My marriage and been severely damaged if not destroyed and the AP's life goes on. So I guess there is a revenge factor that would be going on. But I also I ask myself If I would want to know and the answer is always yes.

 

My wife does not want me to expose the affair, she is afraid it will be posted all over facebook if it is exposed.

 

We are trying to reconcile and she is doing everything she can to salvage the marriage. I'm not convinced that I want to remain married but I'm giving her a chance.

 

Is there a consensus on what should happen?

 

Just what did your wife expect would happen if discovered? She weighed all the options before she made the decision to lay under him, she just doesn't want to accept the consequence of that action. O/M has very likely put pressure on her to save his ass, she by protecting him is still choosing him over you. If she can do the crime she can do the time. If keeping the affair secret is a demand of hers for reconciliation than I think you are in false reconciliation. She lost her rights to decide if your marriage survives when she chose to team up with O/M against you, remember they conspired together, protecting him proves their still a team. Telling his wife is another set of eyes just in case they take the affair underground.

[Friskyone4u]

Forget revenge for a moment. Exposing the affair to the wife of OM is the morally correct thing to do. And added to that , it is one of the major steps you can take to help insure your wife is not bull ****ting you and still taking the affair underground. In most cases, he will throw her under the bus to save his ass.

As far as your wife's feelings, she lost the right to make the decision on that when she climbed into bed with him. And she deserves to be embarrassed.

Tell her asap and do not discuss it with your wife. Her reaction will also tell you if she is more concerned about herself and her OM than you feelings.

She would rather you not because she wants to rugsweep and is afraid you may find out stuff she has not told you. And the more adamant she is about it the more likelihood that is the case

[LifesontheUp]

Wow your wife is being totally selfish again. It'll be bad for her? My heart bleeds for her.

[oldshirt]

There are a ton of good points here and I can't address everyone of them. Overall consensus seems to be to tell.

 

Has anyone's MC or IC recommended NOT to tell? And what were their reasons?

 

I don't have firsthand experience so take this with a grain of salt but some counselors will recommend not telling.

 

You must realize that their objective and primary priority is to put out the fire and advocate for the paying customer. They want all energies focused between the husband and wife and don't want anything to distract from that. They don't care that another marriage is rotting from the inside out. They don't care that an AP is waiting in the wings for the dust to settle so that they can resume the affair when they think the BS guard is down. They don't care that a non customer is being betrayed and belittled. And they don't care that an AP is getting away with destroying a home without consequence.

[GoBlue]

I actually just finished my response on your other post thread. My advice is to contact The National Institute of Marriage and to do so immediately. Counseling for two days a week doesn't compare to a three, four, or five day intensive. Their success rate has been amazing - 85% of all couples who attend are still married and happy two years after they attended. Keep in mind that the vast majority of couples who go have experienced infidelity or have already filed for divorce. Right now the primary focus should be on you and your wife and the healing that needs to take place there.

[Realist3]

I am all for honesty and truth and if the AP and his wife have no kids then I would say go right ahead, they deserve everything they get levelled at them.

 

This however does appear to be "revenge" attack on the AP and your WW, under the guise of "justice" and "right".

You are probably not going to reconcile anyway with your wife, so a great way to hit both where it hurts. Who really cares about the OBS, having her life ruined too.

If the AP and the WW are finished anyway the risk of STD is a moot point. (I am presuming you and your wife have been tested and are clear.)

She though is a grown woman and can probably cope.

 

However, if they have kids, then you have to consider the power you have in your hands here.

YOU could ruin their little lives in an instant. Furore, anger, resentment, divorce, fighting, depression, moving home, moving schools, single parent family, no money, etc. etc. The ramifications are endless and are serious.

And while you could justify it in one way, by saying HE and your WW ruined their lives, we all know that if you keep quiet, their lives may well be fine.

 

Great post. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

 

Power is when you have every justification to kill someone, and then you don’t. -Oskar Shindler

[Spectre]

You need to tell the other betrayed spouse and then you need to kick this cheater to the curb like trash, good luck, and remember: garbage man comes on Thursday around here.

 

I will put it another way: there is no scenario here where you SHOULDN'T tell the guys wife. Do it, she deserves to know.

[oldshirt]

 

I will put it another way: there is no scenario here where you SHOULDN'T tell the guys wife. .

 

This ^^^^^^

 

 

There is no reason not to inform her other than that the people who were sneaking around having an affair and betraying their spouses don't want you to.

[Artie Lang]

you pretty much know what needs to be done.

 

 

 

 

that being said, i just want to address the lame excuses being thrown out for NOT telling.

 

 

"revenge"- really, people? even if it is for this reason alone, why should this man be the only one to suffer the consequences of finding out his spouse is a lying cheat. no one deserves to be cheated on, but at the same time nobody deserves to be kept in the dark concerning such a thing.

 

 

"there are kids involved"- well, these people should've thought about the collateral damage before indulging in such abhorrent behavior. obviously the emotional well-being of the culprits' children weren't taken into consideration, right?

 

 

i agree that children shouldn't be exposed to something as emotionally devastating as this, but just because there are children involved people shouldn't get a free pass. people need to be held accountable for their actions regardless of their situation.

[BetrayedH]

Great post. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

 

Telling has consequences. So does not telling. Can we please stop pretending that inaction is somehow noble and devoid of disadvantages?

 

I know you like to downplay the instance of STDs but as someone that ended up with HPV in the middle of my marriage, the hypothetical rarity of it is lost on me. As a male, at least I can't get cancer from it (just my partners run that risk). Then there's the recent thread where a BW got to have a hysterectomy thanks to HPV from her WH. Something makes me think that you believe your MOW to be faithful to you, thus reducing your risk. Seems kinda risky to me considering her history of being unfaithful.

 

This is besides sentencing the other BS to a potential lifetime of marriage to someone that's playing single. If she wants to make that choice, great. But why are we denying her the chance to make that choice, again? Because we know it's better for her to remain ignorant of her husband's infidelity? It doesn't even sound right. There's a reason for that.

[Buckeye2]

It sounds like you have money and treated your wife like a queen. Between you and the OM all her needs were met and she had a great life. I bet the OM can’t provide her the lifestyle to which she’s become accustomed. That could be because he doesn’t have as much money as you or he can’t or won’t leave his wife.

 

She wants her former life back. I’m sure she told the OM that they have to break all contact now (after all you hired a PI).

 

You’re on the edge and she needs time to calm you down. One more push an you may tell the OMW or divorce her. She told the OM that she knows how to handle you and not to worry. Once the dust has settled and you have found nothing they can get back together.

 

She want to grow old with you in style and with a side dish.

 

As others have said you need to tell the OMW. What I’m telling you is to just tell her without giving your wife of the OM a heads up. Let it be a surprise. If your wife rips you a new one you’ll see first-hand how remorseful she is.

 

EDIT: If your PI finds nothing now don’t accept it as proof that she’s over the OM. Better to save your money now and rehire the PI in a year.

 

A couple of days later I felt so bad for her (go figure) that I told her she could contact him one last time to get closure. The private investigator was able to listen in on that call and it was not good. Said she still loved him, could not give him up, bitched about how unfair it was, basically showed no remorse. Said she did not regret it but regretted getting caught. Needed him now more than ever. Told him she was going to lie to me about the length of the call. And said they would talk another day.

Edited January 15, 2015 by Buckeye2

[NotCamelot]

I rarely post or check in here anymore (almost 3 years into R). However, your post and question got my attention.

 

 

I told. Though many told me not to, I did. I called his wife and told her what her husband and my wife had been up to. 3 Phone calls in one day....I called her once, she called me twice. Her last call to me was after the guy got home to her and she blasted him. I had told him early that day that I was going to tell his wife.

 

 

Now, what did it do? It hurt her, yes it did. But she deserved to know exactly what kind of scum her husband was. And, at that time, I got great joy in the fact that his little secure life and lie he was living came down on top of him.

 

 

In my conversation with him that morning, he made it clear to me that he thought he was invincible. I proved him wrong. He intended to live with getting away with it....he even stated "I don't give a sh** what you do." Shouldn't have said that.

 

 

But, and this is my point to you........It was the most important thing in our situation that put a grinding halt to all the crap that was going on. My W was exposed to me, and I exposed the AP to his W. I got satisfaction in hurting him.....his W would never have known. His W got to know the truth and not be kept forever in the dark. My W knew without any doubt that he would never leave his W. The explosion of the A, in her eyes, showed that he was just having fun and using her.

 

 

His W apologized repeatedly to me for what her H had done. She thanked me repeatedly for telling her.

 

Had I not told her, I would have forever felt guilty knowing what her H had done and she was unaware. I felt that it was my duty to tell her.....she had a right to know.

 

Should you do it.......YES. For lots of reasons. I did it. It helped me tremendously.....more than I can say......and it was the start of recovery for us.

 

 

If I could go back in time to that day, I would still tell her.

[BetrayedH]

I rarely post or check in here anymore (almost 3 years into R). However, your post and question got my attention.

 

 

I told. Though many told me not to, I did. I called his wife and told her what her husband and my wife had been up to. 3 Phone calls in one day....I called her once, she called me twice. Her last call to me was after the guy got home to her and she blasted him. I had told him early that day that I was going to tell his wife.

 

 

Now, what did it do? It hurt her, yes it did. But she deserved to know exactly what kind of scum her husband was. And, at that time, I got great joy in the fact that his little secure life and lie he was living came down on top of him.

 

 

In my conversation with him that morning, he made it clear to me that he thought he was invincible. I proved him wrong. He intended to live with getting away with it....he even stated "I don't give a sh** what you do." Shouldn't have said that.

 

 

But, and this is my point to you........It was the most important thing in our situation that put a grinding halt to all the crap that was going on. My W was exposed to me, and I exposed the AP to his W. I got satisfaction in hurting him.....his W would never have known. His W got to know the truth and not be kept forever in the dark. My W knew without any doubt that he would never leave his W. The explosion of the A, in her eyes, showed that he was just having fun and using her.

 

 

His W apologized repeatedly to me for what her H had done. She thanked me repeatedly for telling her.

 

Had I not told her, I would have forever felt guilty knowing what her H had done and she was unaware. I felt that it was my duty to tell her.....she had a right to know.

 

Should you do it.......YES. For lots of reasons. I did it. It helped me tremendously.....more than I can say......and it was the start of recovery for us.

 

 

If I could go back in time to that day, I would still tell her.

 

Nice to see you, NC.

 

Just wanted to chime in that (as devastated as she was) the OM's W also thanked me for telling her.

 

The injury sustained is from the affair, not from the telling of it.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I rarely post or check in here anymore (almost 3 years into R). However, your post and question got my attention.

 

 

I told. Though many told me not to, I did. I called his wife and told her what her husband and my wife had been up to. 3 Phone calls in one day....I called her once, she called me twice. Her last call to me was after the guy got home to her and she blasted him. I had told him early that day that I was going to tell his wife.

 

 

Now, what did it do? It hurt her, yes it did. But she deserved to know exactly what kind of scum her husband was. And, at that time, I got great joy in the fact that his little secure life and lie he was living came down on top of him.

 

 

In my conversation with him that morning, he made it clear to me that he thought he was invincible. I proved him wrong. He intended to live with getting away with it....he even stated "I don't give a sh** what you do." Shouldn't have said that.

 

 

But, and this is my point to you........It was the most important thing in our situation that put a grinding halt to all the crap that was going on. My W was exposed to me, and I exposed the AP to his W. I got satisfaction in hurting him.....his W would never have known. His W got to know the truth and not be kept forever in the dark. My W knew without any doubt that he would never leave his W. The explosion of the A, in her eyes, showed that he was just having fun and using her.

 

 

His W apologized repeatedly to me for what her H had done. She thanked me repeatedly for telling her.

 

Had I not told her, I would have forever felt guilty knowing what her H had done and she was unaware. I felt that it was my duty to tell her.....she had a right to know.

 

Should you do it.......YES. For lots of reasons. I did it. It helped me tremendously.....more than I can say......and it was the start of recovery for us.

 

 

If I could go back in time to that day, I would still tell her.

 

Thanks for posting that. It helps.

[Selfish]

She is friends with the wife on FB.

 

 

 

Absolutely true. I still don't think of her that way but should.

 

You don't have to think of your wife as a low life. It is just hypocritical and blame shifting to think of him as one and her not.

 

Unless she was raped... They were both equally to blame for the affair. Remind yourself that.