autumnnight Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Let me first say I believe very strongly that sex is important and vital in marriage. But for all those saying "she should" this and "she should" that: You may not want to believe this, but sometimes when a woman has had to do things because she has felt she had no choice, it can be traumatic. It can bring about very painful triggers. So this whole glib "she oughta cause she did with him"... if she did with him because she was afraid or because she thought she would lose him, etc. it might take some time and patience for her not to associate that with very painful things. I get that some men, especially BH's have this "thing" about making sure they get everything every other man in her life has had, but maybe think a little about her too. Link to post Share on other sites
braindamage Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Well kudos to you for trying to get somewhere. When it comes to sexual incompatibility there usually is a lot of 'throw in the towel' advice as people seem to be more inclined to treat it as a constant instead of a variable. With various other relationship incompatibilities this isn't stressed as much. In the end you're always going to have to deal with different needs and the crutch is how capable how good both of you are in identifying those needs in each other and working towards solutions that work for the both of you. That also entails acknowledging when a relationship is simply disfunctional at a basic level and know when to eject. However that's only possible if you give it ample time to figure this out. Those that encourage to press the red button are idealizing the perfect package - a partner who provides everything you want and never changes. It's very idealistic and likely not a very realistic perspective of how a real relationship works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Those that encourage to press the red button are idealizing the perfect package - a partner who provides everything you want and never changes. It's very idealistic and likely not a very realistic perspective of how a real relationship works. This ^^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I think it's stupid to stay stuck in a relationship that isn't working. People say stick it out, double down, accept, sacrifice, etc. The fact is, if the relationship starts out bad, it likely ends bad, hopefully not at the end of your life when it's too late. Great 50-year love stories have one thing in common: the two were smitten right from the start. The thing is, in great relationships sacrifice is a joy not a chore, for both parties. That's the secret. I would let go of anything less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tocook Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 You sound so much like my husband and your fiancée me after our honeymoon phase wore off. Thank goodness you're not yet married or have children together. If you're so inclined, read my posts because your wife will be where I am 15 years down the line. My H is a great guy but I'm just not that into him. I know you love her very much and she is perfect in every other way but does she feel the same way about you? She sounds like she can also be a sexual creature if she has had fun lingerie and did those exciting sexual acts before so she's not one of those women who just doesn't like sex. It doesn't sound like she's attracted to you anymore but you're stable and are great to her kid so she's staying. I can relate to your wife and I don't want you to be in my husband's shoes in a couple of years. I'm not advising you to call it quits but before you get married, take a long hard look on how she SHOWS affection for you. In answer to your probing, she will say things to assure you she loves you and are in it for the long haul, but actions speak louder than words. She'll say she wants kids with you and grow old together because you're a good guy and will provide stability. At this stage in your relationship, you 2 should be all over each other so it's worrisome to say the least that she's already pulling away. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLifeLady Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I was hopelessly in love with my ex and got hurt. I married my new man and he is very caring, sweet etc. Someone mentioned earlier that she has settled for you and I have to agree. I settled for my partner. He is so nice and I admire him so I like to cuddle him, I support him and build him up. But.. I am not sexually attracted to him at all I give him sex every week to 2 weeks and I try yo get it over with quickly. And I am a sexual person. I told him when we met that he is not really my type but he just kept convincing me and telling me I am exactly who he wants. He does not seem unhappy and never complains. I have worn lingerie for him a few time but I don't intend to again. If he ever complains or shows signs of being unhappy then I will end it because it is not fair for him to be unhappy. But he seems quite happy! I sometimes feel slighted as I got hurt and dumped by my ex and now I have a man that does not sexually excite me. Makes me feel I do not deserve to have a man who is hot want to love me but at the same time I am very appreciative to have a loving man. Sorry for the essay but I am just trying to explain that it is very clear to me that she has settled for you and will do the very minimum to please you and possibly less as she knows you will not leave her. She does see you as a sort of cuddly toy. If you can handle that then go ahead. If not, have the guts to find someone else who may well have a different set of qualities and also finds you hot and sexy too or at least respects you enough to want to go out of her way to please you sexually sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 For the love of God OP, read what the previous two posters have said and TAKE NOTE. You are sleep walking into a nightmare and once you have committed to this woman then you will really only have yourself to blame. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I am a firm believer that people can be changed. So if she is still refusing your sexual advances...figure out why the heck that is. If she is not trusting of men due to past issues, show her YOU can be trusted. If she is no longer feeling sexy, buy her new lingerie and insist she wear it for you...bring her along when buying to make sure it is stuff she likes. If she is refusing you for no good reason, will not make any move to fix the problem, is acting irrationally instead of in a loving manner, figure out why, try to fix it, then bail if she does not improve. It might take time, like maybe 6 months to turn her around. But if there is NOT movement on her part, then you are doomed to an ever decreasing sex life with her. Not what you need for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 The thing is, in great relationships sacrifice is a joy not a chore, for both parties. That's the secret. I would let go of anything less. Agree with this in general terms but almost any relationship has some profound up and down cycles. I measure the value of my marriage both by the joy the good times bring and the effort my spouse and I are willing to put in to address the challenges. it's a little bit like watching a couple of great dancers. Gliding across the stage, they make it look very easy. Unseen is the hard work, blood, sweat and tears... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 How bothered would you be as a man to know your wife/girlfriend dressed up for exes in sexy underwear but has never done it for you even when you've asked? Because (and I know a lot of this is down to my insecurities) she has some really sexy lingerie, stocking, suspenders, etc but with me only ever wears normal everyday lingerie. Our sex life was amazing for the first 4 months of the relationship then it slowly died down from once everytime we met to lucky if its once a week. Weve been together just over a year and I know i have a bigger libido than her but it kills me to know she was adventorous with others but not me. When we've spoke about it she says she dressed up and tried so hard because she wanted to keep him around because he kept leaving her, they also have a child together whos now 2 and a half but the dad hasn't seen him for nearly 6 months, i treat him like my own and litterally do everything for her even in the bedroom i try to do everything she wants or says she likes but whenever i ask for anything she says 'i dont like feeling pressured, i did all that before even though i didnt like it or feel comfortable just to keep his dad around but it didnt work and i dont like it' am i a complete pig for wanting her to do the same level of things for me? our sex life was great but now its a routine that once a week feels like a chore to her like shes doing it out of duty to a bf. She is amazing in every other way but for some reason just not that interested in sex. ive gotten to the point where i actually wish she'd tell me something was up so i could try to fix it but everytime i ask (after being rejected 2,3,4 times a week for sex) she just says our sex life is fine. feeling frustrated, unloved and most the time stupid for even wanting something she doesnt. Age may be a factor as the years have passed the body changes and she doesn't want to go for the sexy as society says she is not as sexy as the 27 year old model who has never been pregnant before. And then because how we think and react she may just say I am older no matter how much you reaaure or even outright beg. Link to post Share on other sites
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