Lingerie

[autumnnight]

I read a remark earlier telling you to stop treating sex like something you need.

 

Here's a new flash: Sex IS a legitimate NEED.

 

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I know having small children is taxing because I had small children very close together. Sex was still important to me. If we were discussing pretty much anything but sex, no one would dream of suggesting you go without.

 

Sex and Money are the two biggest non-infidelity marriage ending issues. I would suggest counseling. Vague remarks about things getting better or "I'm trying" are deflections. And remarks about how she doesn't want to feel like she has to do something to keep someone around are old baggage and guilt manipulation.

 

Physical intimacy is important, period. You are not going to magically stop needing what you need just because she doesn't want to deal with it, and resentment will kill your relationship. Treat this as the serious issue it is.

 

A woman who does not want sex has an easy answer - stay single.

[USMCHokie]

Before everyone freaks out on me, hear me out...

 

If I were in your shoes, I would take some time to serriously evaluate my marriage. immediately jumping off to 'dump her' may be good advice, or it could be horrible.

 

If you look at the rest of your life with her, and all is realy good except for the sex, then ask yourself if you will be willing to wait for a year. During that time, explain to her your thoughts and feelings without judgement and without threats. tell her that you love her and your want your marraige to be a success, and to you, being sexually intimate is a big part of that. tell her that , because of this desire to have your marriage work, you want the two of you to attend marraige counseling together to discuss the issue.

 

i;m not trying to attack you here, but in my experience, sexual issues rarely happen in a vaccum, there is usually some fcators from both partners that contribute to the problem.

 

Example; I had a friend who didn;t wnat to have sex wth him, because, well, let's just say he wasn't all that he thought he was. She spoke to me about how he was getting angry with her for not wanting sex, and she didn;t know what to do as she didnt; wna to hurt him by telling him waht was going on. She finally did, and while he was hurt, once he thought about it, they were able to begin to find ways of adressing the problem. It took a while, but things improved greatly for them.

 

I'm not saying you are like her husband, only that that there are two sides to every story, and it may be best for your long term peace of ind to find out what hers is, and if it can be adressed.

 

I don't believe they have reached marriage yet and do not share any children. This is about as clean a break as he can make. Also, I don't foresee her being very cooperative or forthcoming about any "issues" she may have. I'd be willing to bet the farm that she'll say nothing's wrong and that he should just back off.

 

I honestly wouldn't waste that year of my life...

[MissBee]

How bothered would you be as a man to know your wife/girlfriend dressed up for exes in sexy underwear but has never done it for you even when you've asked?

 

Because (and I know a lot of this is down to my insecurities) she has some really sexy lingerie, stocking, suspenders, etc but with me only ever wears normal everyday lingerie. Our sex life was amazing for the first 4 months of the relationship then it slowly died down from once everytime we met to lucky if its once a week. Weve been together just over a year and I know i have a bigger libido than her but it kills me to know she was adventorous with others but not me. When we've spoke about it she says she dressed up and tried so hard because she wanted to keep him around because he kept leaving her, they also have a child together whos now 2 and a half but the dad hasn't seen him for nearly 6 months, i treat him like my own and litterally do everything for her even in the bedroom i try to do everything she wants or says she likes but whenever i ask for anything she says 'i dont like feeling pressured, i did all that before even though i didnt like it or feel comfortable just to keep his dad around but it didnt work and i dont like it' am i a complete pig for wanting her to do the same level of things for me? our sex life was great but now its a routine that once a week feels like a chore to her like shes doing it out of duty to a bf. She is amazing in every other way but for some reason just not that interested in sex. ive gotten to the point where i actually wish she'd tell me something was up so i could try to fix it but everytime i ask (after being rejected 2,3,4 times a week for sex) she just says our sex life is fine. feeling frustrated, unloved and most the time stupid for even wanting something she doesnt.

 

The best thing you can do is suggest going to counseling together. In that space you can openly discuss what you both need and want, because frankly ranting about it to us or even friends only presents one side and really doesn't work with her to figure out what's going on.

[mrs rubble]

By chance did the ex bf buy the lingerie? Have you ever bought her any? Maybe try that (buying her some) and tell her how much you love her in it when she puts it on.

[Els]

She has said she'd wear it but feel I'm always begging for every scrap when it comes to sex. I will try holding off and not mentioning it and see if she even misses me.

 

Cannot understand how soon as I walk in she kisses cuddles me etc but just doesn't want the sex part.

 

When I mention toys or lingerie it scares her. So why does she have the outfits already :/

 

You are fixating way too much on the lingerie. Chances are she already has associated it with a whole bunch of awful stuff, given her dynamics with her ex - after all, didn't she tell you that she just did it because she was afraid she'd lose him? Lingerie, like everything sexual, we need to WANT to do it in order for it to be a mutually pleasurable experience. A partner constantly nagging about it is really, really not conducive to that desire. Even if you somehow manage to convince her to pull on the stuff she wore for her ex, how could you possibly get any pleasure out of it knowing that she only did it to stop the badgering and that she wasn't enjoying herself?

 

That being said, if the two of you aren't sexually compatible, then that is certainly a legitimate concern and something she needs to be willing to work with you on. It's understandable that she's tired with a 2 yo. Then again, it's also understandable that you might want more than she is able to give. This is something you have to be able to discuss, perhaps in couples counseling.

 

But please, stop fixating on a few stockings and garter belts, for chrissakes. Focus on fixing the bigger issue. If and when you resolve the sexual compatibility and other potential underlying problems, then maybe you could take her to VS one day and ask her to pick out anything she likes. That would likely have a much better chance of working (AND being enjoyable for her!) than nagging her to wear stuff that she already associates with her ex.

[veryhappy]

It's absurd to ask him to invest so much in a one year relationship that was good for 4 months. Some people need to read that before copy pasting the standard reply. This relationship simply doesn't warrant the trouble of fixing it and it is unfixable - as if there weren't enough sexless posts on the intertubes saying the same.

[Els]

It's absurd to ask him to invest so much in a one year relationship that was good for 4 months. Some people need to read that before copy pasting the standard reply. This relationship simply doesn't warrant the trouble of fixing it and it is unfixable - as if there weren't enough sexless posts on the intertubes saying the same.

 

The OP has specifically said that he doesn't want to be told to 'just leave'. Some people need to read that before copy pasting the standard reply.

[carhill]

How bothered would you be as a man to know your wife/girlfriend dressed up for exes in sexy underwear but has never done it for you even when you've asked?

 

I didn't really care about, nor think about, what my exW did with ex'es in any way shape or form and she had 2 exH's when I married her. However, I did care what we did together, and lingerie was part of sex play and, fortunately, she seemed to enjoy it. I recall her stating one time 'why spend all this time and money on something which comes off anyway?' My answer: 'So, leave it on' Boom!

 

In your case, IMO she's thinking the relationship and you're currently skating on thin ice. Once that happened for my exW, the M as any sort of true intimate partnership was over. Now I know the signs and know how to hit the exit fast. Hope you get the memo a lot earlier than I did!

[confused83]

I'll end with this I love her and love her son, he feels like mine because of how much I've invested in him. It's so hard to leave but I no in my heart if she actually wanted me to stay she wouldn't make me feel awful whenever I speak to her. The sex argument has happened a lot over the year but it just never gets resolved. Sometimes she will try for a week tops to change then it just slowly goes back to nothing. My problem isn't more that we aren't compatible it's more that it kills me inside to know she 'wanted' to make an ex happy for whatever reason award with me she's just not interested

[USMCHokie]

I'll end with this I love her and love her son, he feels like mine because of how much I've invested in him. It's so hard to leave but I no in my heart if she actually wanted me to stay she wouldn't make me feel awful whenever I speak to her. The sex argument has happened a lot over the year but it just never gets resolved. Sometimes she will try for a week tops to change then it just slowly goes back to nothing. My problem isn't more that we aren't compatible it's more that it kills me inside to know she 'wanted' to make an ex happy for whatever reason award with me she's just not interested

 

As much as I'd love to believe your words, I'd be shocked if you mustered the cajones to leave this toxic relationship.

 

Please prove me wrong.

[bathtub-row]

She was probably pretending with you (and with the ex) in the beginning. The fact that she says she did certain things to keep someone else around tells me that sex, in general, is a burden to her, and she knows this will most likely end up being a deal breaker. That's why she pretends.

 

This will never change so you need to either accept it, or move on. There is no amount of talking or great performance on your part that will change this. Maybe she feels comfortable enough with you to be honest, or she's just tired of pretending. Either way, she isn't someone with much of a sex drive and this will only worsen over time. Eventually, it will be a completely sexless marriage or relationship. If you're not ok with that - and there's no reason why you should be - then you need to get out of this relationship. Sexless relationships are completely heartbreaking. Read some of the posts on here from people living in those circumstances. For whatever reason, your gf does not like sex. Don't kid yourself into thinking it will get better or that it's about you.

[dental]

No need to be confused at all. From a distance it's very clear indeed. She has a different role for you than what you would like. It's worse than friendzone, it's cuddlebitch. The worst of the worst. You keep on cuddling her, with your blue b*lls. Reality is, she knows of your blue b*lls. Your needs are not being met. How do I know about the blue b*lls? Experience expert! I used to be a low self-esteem, pleasing cuddlebitch like you. I don't wish this on anyone. You have to make a purposeful decision for yourself. And given all the feedback you received I think you know what that decision will be.

[spanz1]

She's always messaging saying she can't wait for cuddles

 

 

 

So, just text right back saying AND I WANT A BJ.

 

 

Don't wanna be no one's cuddlebitch!

[spanz1]

She has said she'd wear it but feel I'm always begging for every scrap when it comes to sex.

 

 

Cannot understand how soon as I walk in she kisses cuddles me etc but just doesn't want the sex part.

:/

 

translation for you: She tried Alpha men, and they ****ed her and left her. So she took a Beta man (you) because she wanted the stability and emotional/financial support. She decided that she wanted someone who did not want kinky sex--she could get that somewhere else from new Alphas. So she keeps putting you back into your role as the providing Beta, but you keep trying to screw up her plans. She must be pissed!

[elaine567]

I'll end with this I love her and love her son, he feels like mine because of how much I've invested in him. It's so hard to leave but I no in my heart if she actually wanted me to stay she wouldn't make me feel awful whenever I speak to her. The sex argument has happened a lot over the year but it just never gets resolved. Sometimes she will try for a week tops to change then it just slowly goes back to nothing. My problem isn't more that we aren't compatible it's more that it kills me inside to know she 'wanted' to make an ex happy for whatever reason award with me she's just not interested

 

I suggest you stop listening to the "leave the cuddleb*tch" now" chimps on here.

 

I suggest you start talking to her about how her rejection of sex makes you feel. How you feel shut out. How you want to be intimate with her. How you want to feel close to her. How you want to show how much love her, how having sex makes you want to commit to her. She probably doesn't actually realise how important sex is to the emotional well being of a normal committed man in a relationship.

 

Give her time to voice her concerns too and empathise with her tiredness, and the weight of responsibility that having a young child carries.

Do not lose your temper, or whine, neither will induce her to have more sex with you.

Have a grown up adult conversation on the subject.

[confused83]

I do feel everyone saying don't become a cuddle bitch just isn't over 25 years old.

[central]

So, what are you going to do, confused? There's some good advice and insights here, regardless of how it's phrased. If you are going to do anything, you need a plan and a timeline, and criteria for success or failure to measure how well your plan is working. This is true whether you stay and try to inspire changes, or decide to leave, either soon or if the changes don't happen.

[USMCHokie]

She probably doesn't actually realise how important sex is to the emotional well being of a normal committed man in a relationship.

 

So you're saying it's her, not him?!

 

This is such a fundamental bit of knowledge to any mature adult that if she truly didn't understand this, she probably isn't cut out for relationships of this nature.

 

You can't have grown up adult conversations with a woman-child.

[confused83]

Thank you for everyone's insights. We have spoke and she has told me how hard she finds it all because of having a child and not liking her body (which to me know crazy as she's a perfect 10 to me). She also agrees sex is important and told me if I focus more on not arguing she will want it more plus said she will try new things with me on the promise that if she doesn't like it I never ask her again. Hopefully we will compromise ok now.

[SJS]

Thank you for everyone's insights. We have spoke and she has told me how hard she finds it all because of having a child and not liking her body (which to me know crazy as she's a perfect 10 to me). She also agrees sex is important and told me if I focus more on not arguing she will want it more plus said she will try new things with me on the promise that if she doesn't like it I never ask her again. Hopefully we will compromise ok now.

 

I understand the body issues after baby. Really, I do. But what happened from the honeymoon period to the last 8 months? And didn't you say the baby is over 2 years old?

 

IMO, she's saying this to pacify you, will "make a change" for the next few weeks, and then you'll be right back to where you are now. Hopefully I'm wrong...

[elaine567]

Thank you for everyone's insights. We have spoke and she has told me how hard she finds it all because of having a child and not liking her body (which to me know crazy as she's a perfect 10 to me). She also agrees sex is important and told me if I focus more on not arguing she will want it more plus said she will try new things with me on the promise that if she doesn't like it I never ask her again. Hopefully we will compromise ok now.

 

Yes, that is good news, keep talking.

Communication is everything.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for everyone's insights. We have spoke and she has told me how hard she finds it all because of having a child and not liking her body (which to me know crazy as she's a perfect 10 to me). She also agrees sex is important and told me if I focus more on not arguing she will want it more plus said she will try new things with me on the promise that if she doesn't like it I never ask her again. Hopefully we will compromise ok now.

 

Sorry, this just sounds like a lot of back peddling, if you ask me. Nothing will change long-term.

 

If people wonder why most people on this site recommend leaving most of the time, it's because the issues that people write about on here are serious and most of us know that people are who they are. It's a complete waste of time hoping they'll change. What you see is what you get. If you don't like what you see, you won't like what you'll get. It really is that simple.

 

Fast forward 5 yrs from now when you're on this site talking about how horrible your sexless marriage is and how you should've paid attention to the red flags. Well, the flags are waving. Your call.

[spanz1]

I suggest you stop listening to the "leave the cuddleb*tch" now" chimps on here.

 

I suggest you start talking to her about how her rejection of sex makes you feel. How you feel shut out. How you want to be intimate with her. How you want to feel close to her. How you want to show how much love her, how having sex makes you want to commit to her. She probably doesn't actually realise how important sex is to the emotional well being of a normal committed man in a relationship.

 

Give her time to voice her concerns too and empathise with her tiredness, and the weight of responsibility that having a young child carries.

Do not lose your temper, or whine, neither will induce her to have more sex with you.

Have a grown up adult conversation on the subject.

 

 

 

ASSUMING she is being truthful with you, then ^this^, AND get her to wear the lingerie many times, and over the course of months, whenever she does wear it, go nutz sexually...show her how much her body really DOES turn you on.

 

 

But I am feeling that there is more to her thinking than just a body image issue. I mean, she can always turn the lights off in the room and then do you up right! No real excuse for a sexless marriage at all.

[elaine567]

ASSUMING she is being truthful with you, then ^this^, AND get her to wear the lingerie many times, and over the course of months, whenever she does wear it, go nutz sexually...show her how much her body really DOES turn you on.

 

 

But I am feeling that there is more to her thinking than just a body image issue. I mean, she can always turn the lights off in the room and then do you up right! No real excuse for a sexless marriage at all.

 

It is not a sexless marriage it is once a week sex.

[SJS]

It is not a sexless marriage it is once a week sex.

 

It's not a marriage either.

 

At just a year in, they should be going at it slightly less than rabbits...