Lingerie

[Turtles]

Thank you for everyone's insights. We have spoke and she has told me how hard she finds it all because of having a child and not liking her body (which to me know crazy as she's a perfect 10 to me). She also agrees sex is important and told me if I focus more on not arguing she will want it more plus said she will try new things with me on the promise that if she doesn't like it I never ask her again. Hopefully we will compromise ok now.

 

You argue a lot (about things other than sex, I mean)?

[veryhappy]

I'll end with this I love her and love her son, he feels like mine because of how much I've invested in him. It's so hard to leave but I no in my heart if she actually wanted me to stay she wouldn't make me feel awful whenever I speak to her. The sex argument has happened a lot over the year but it just never gets resolved. Sometimes she will try for a week tops to change then it just slowly goes back to nothing. My problem isn't more that we aren't compatible it's more that it kills me inside to know she 'wanted' to make an ex happy for whatever reason award with me she's just not interested

 

 

You are flailing and looking at it wrong.

 

 

Would you really want her to have sex with you just to make you happy? Do you want her happy?

 

 

Look at it this way: she wants to be authentic with you. She's telling you who she is. She faked it with the ex and didn't fair well. She was desperate, she acted desperately and she doesn't want her anymore. Do you want her to have sex out of being desperate with you? That's where you are with her trying although her heart is not into it.

 

 

Can you find any interest in answering the questions people asked? I asked you about turning 50, about wanting another kid, about being okay in a sexless marriage with kids years from now. If you are avoiding important questions, it means you'd rather keep things as they are. See my signature.

 

 

Since you are going to stay, I have a couple of suggestions for you:

 

 

* wait a year on getting pregnant; that requires you to know her cycle and when she's ovulating (very easy with apps these days) and avoiding that time. I know, ironically she'll probably be horny then.

 

 

* throw out the darn lingerie. It is a bad reminder for her, it's not getting used why keep it? You can always buy new one.

 

 

Maybe a sex therapist could help, although I don't have personal experience with them. Some individual counseling is always good. I'd bet you have a problem with getting older and you're band aiding it desperately. Hardly anything good comes of desperation.

 

 

As a silver lining, you can stay in the kid's life if you're not together as an uncle.

 

 

Accept people for who they are and go from there.

[veryhappy]

The OP has specifically said that he doesn't want to be told to 'just leave'. Some people need to read that before copy pasting the standard reply.

 

 

 

He also said he can't live like this, arguing, begging for sex and feeling insecure. If there is no solution, he needs to hear that there is no solution or he needs to adjust and be fine with what he's getting and not getting as things are now.

 

 

It's like having a diabetic saying " I don't want to be told to stop having copious meals at olive garden". Well, the answer won't be what the person wants to hear assuming living is a better goal than olive garden. He needs to decide if the goal is a good relationship or not leaving this one. I read it as him wanting a good relationship.

[confused83]

I would like to ask 1 last thing. When people suggest that they have sex 2-4 times a week is that sex or are you classing everything as sex you do together.

[USMCHokie]

I would like to ask 1 last thing. When people suggest that they have sex 2-4 times a week is that sex or are you classing everything as sex you do together.

 

Sex = my stuff is inside of her...

[confused83]

We do tend to do a lot of the other stuff just not the sex. Hopefully things mat improve. I know some people are happy once a week I'd like it 4 or so times so thought 2 was a good compromise but agaib don't want her doing stuff she doesn't want so ill work my arse off to not mention sex and be best I can be and if it doesn't improve ill have to have a serious think about leaving even though it's the last thing I want

[Turtles]

We do tend to do a lot of the other stuff just not the sex. Hopefully things mat improve. I know some people are happy once a week I'd like it 4 or so times so thought 2 was a good compromise but agaib don't want her doing stuff she doesn't want so ill work my arse off to not mention sex and be best I can be and if it doesn't improve ill have to have a serious think about leaving even though it's the last thing I want

 

Confused I still think you are looking at it wrong but it's your game brother... Make sure you are HAPPY with the frequency BEFORE getting married or having a baby because it WILL get less after that... and be mentally prepared for 2/3 years of NO sex once she is pregnant. The last thing you want is leave her with your toddler 5 years from now because you could not stand the lack of intimacy.

[confused83]

So can I ask everyone would you choose to be with someone you loved more than anytning because of how much she does for you but had sex once a week? Or choose the girl who sleeps with you daily, does everything in bed you want but not outside the bedroom. I think finding a girl who's crazy in the bedroom but also the perfect girlfriend in every other department is hard.

 

I've got to give it a go because don't for a second think she isn't crazy about me it's just the sex is once a week. I will hold off on the comments to her and also not talk about having another child or marriage until we're fully sorted. She's promised more sex to get us working again because said she misses me but just struggled to make move when exhausted. So far twice in 2 days so see how we go and I believe shed tell me if she wasn't enjoying it.

 

Have an good Xmas everyone and thanks for hearing me out. Will update again if things go sour

[USMCHokie]

So can I ask everyone would you choose to be with someone you loved more than anytning because of how much she does for you but had sex once a week? Or choose the girl who sleeps with you daily, does everything in bed you want but not outside the bedroom. I think finding a girl who's crazy in the bedroom but also the perfect girlfriend in every other department is hard.

 

I've got to give it a go because don't for a second think she isn't crazy about me it's just the sex is once a week. I will hold off on the comments to her and also not talk about having another child or marriage until we're fully sorted. She's promised more sex to get us working again because said she misses me but just struggled to make move when exhausted. So far twice in 2 days so see how we go and I believe shed tell me if she wasn't enjoying it.

 

Have an good Xmas everyone and thanks for hearing me out. Will update again if things go sour

 

I wouldn't love someone more than anything if she only wanted sex once a week. You mention the two extremes of the spectrum. How about looking for something in the middle...?

 

But best of luck to you.

[truncated]

If body image is an issue for her, throw out all that old lingerie and buy her a new set that is specifically suited to her. Give it to her wrapped up in a pretty package with a fe wother nice items, and maybe a non-threatening sex "self help" book for the two of you to read through together.

 

This is if you want to give your relationship a chance.

 

Sex is very important in a relationship, but so are all the other things. There needs to be a blance between the two, as no one can be perfect in evry area, and what is "perfection" anyway? What you find perfect may be every different from what someone else finds perfect. go with your gut on this issue.

 

If you do feel you acn't make it for the long haul, get out now,before her child gets attatched to you and is really hurt by the break up.

[elaine567]

If body image is an issue for her, throw out all that old lingerie and buy her a new set that is specifically suited to her. Give it to her wrapped up in a pretty package with a fe wother nice items, and maybe a non-threatening sex "self help" book for the two of you to read through together.

 

This is if you want to give your relationship a chance.

 

Sex is very important in a relationship, but so are all the other things. There needs to be a blance between the two, as no one can be perfect in evry area, and what is "perfection" anyway? What you find perfect may be every different from what someone else finds perfect. go with your gut on this issue.

 

If you do feel you acn't make it for the long haul, get out now,before her child gets attatched to you and is really hurt by the break up.

 

 

It seems confused83 is well up for making it for the long haul.

BUT it seems many posters here, want him to not even try to make it work and want him to ditch her because he is not getting sex more than once per week...

Confused83 though has his head well screwed on and knows a good thing when he sees it.

[USMCHokie]

Confused83 though has his head well screwed on and knows a good thing when he sees it.

 

 

This is why so many marriages end in divorce... Many people choose to settle, either out of desperation, or apathy...

[elaine567]

 

This is why so many marriages end in divorce...

 

I agree, when the view of some is that nice, good, caring women need to perform like hookers every night, else be binned...

[Turtles]

So can I ask everyone would you choose to be with someone you loved more than anytning because of how much she does for you but had sex once a week? Or choose the girl who sleeps with you daily, does everything in bed you want but not outside the bedroom. I think finding a girl who's crazy in the bedroom but also the perfect girlfriend in every other department is hard.

 

I've got to give it a go because don't for a second think she isn't crazy about me it's just the sex is once a week. I will hold off on the comments to her and also not talk about having another child or marriage until we're fully sorted. She's promised more sex to get us working again because said she misses me but just struggled to make move when exhausted. So far twice in 2 days so see how we go and I believe shed tell me if she wasn't enjoying it.

 

Have an good Xmas everyone and thanks for hearing me out. Will update again if things go sour

 

I would but I am not the one posting on a board complaining my chick is not wearing lingerie... if it is that important to you that it is causing a lot of resentment then it's not worth it and it will eventually permeate the other aspects of your relationship... it's for you to judge though.

[autumnnight]

I also vote for NEW lingerie if you want her to wear some. I mean really, wearing stuff the some OTHER guy bought or insisted on? That's gotta be frought with bad memories and triggers.

[USMCHokie]

I agree, when the view of some is that nice, good, caring women need to perform like hookers every night, else be binned...

 

And sex is often a rather accurate reflection of one's general outlook on the relationship itself, and the amount they will contribute to the relationship even outside the bedroom.

 

And your reference to hookers appears to be an appeal to extremes...logical fallacy...?

[beach]

And she has said she doesn't want to feel she has to do things to keep someone anymore but then why wouldn't you want to do something for someone you love if you was willing to do it for someone else whether liked it or not

 

I think you're answering your own question.

 

It's not important to her - to please you.

 

 

I hope you'll reconsider being with/marrying her.

 

I promise it will get worse after you marry her. You aren't her priority...at least not enough to DO what she knows makes you happy.

 

 

Read around the marriage forum - plenty of sexless marriages - and they all seem to start out like what you're describing.

 

You want no sex forever? Marry her. But don't complain after that you didn't know.

 

Why not date a gal more compatible to YOUR needs/wants?

[confused83]

Got to say you advice is the only im actually agreeing with. People saying 'this is why so many marriages fail' could also be down to people wanting everything there way.

 

There does have to be a balance and hopefully if we do now go twice a week it's perfect.

 

I'd also be gutted if I left these 2 that I love and she did infact change but I never gave it chance.

 

It seems confused83 is well up for making it for the long haul.

BUT it seems many posters here, want him to not even try to make it work and want him to ditch her because he is not getting sex more than once per week...

Confused83 though has his head well screwed on and knows a good thing when he sees it.

[confused83]

And we have thrown the old lingerie out I wouldn't want that, was thrown out when they split up she just informed me of things she did and didn't like for someone else. A lot will be my own insecurities and she does try things for me i know for a fact things she's done for me that she doesn't like.

[USMCHokie]

Got to say you advice is the only im actually agreeing with. People saying 'this is why so many marriages fail' could also be down to people wanting everything there way.

 

There does have to be a balance and hopefully if we do now go twice a week it's perfect.

 

I'd also be gutted if I left these 2 that I love and she did infact change but I never gave it chance.

 

Of course. It's the advice that you wanted to hear. Confirmation bias is strong here...

 

Either way, good luck to you. Hope to see you in the coping forum in a little while.

[central]

Got to say you advice is the only im actually agreeing with. People saying 'this is why so many marriages fail' could also be down to people wanting everything there way.

 

There does have to be a balance and hopefully if we do now go twice a week it's perfect.

 

I'd also be gutted if I left these 2 that I love and she did infact change but I never gave it chance.

 

It fits your delusions, so of course you agree with it. Once you wake up, you'll rethink this - probably years to late to help you, though.

[veryhappy]

What you are in denial about is that once a week is not her natural comfort zone for sex. It sounds like that is her compromise. You dream of twice a week now as your compromise, you'll be lucky in the long run with twice a month.

 

 

If you are set on being in this relationship, be happy for what it is and accept your partner for who she is. you are old enough to know that relationship continue being as you set them up at this early point, and the problems stay the same unless there's seismic change. With this libido issue, your safest bet is yours to go down as you get a little older.

 

 

Don't be a guy who forces a woman to have sex, it's not going to be good for anyone. Just accept things as they are.

[Almond_Joy]

Confused,

 

Your story resonates in some ways with my own. The shoe's on the other foot in my relationship though - I'm the one with the higher libido, and I noticed this discrepancy within the first six months. I stayed because, in every other aspect our relationship is wonderful and I love my bf very much and I want a life with him. I also know that he wants us to have a happy and healthy sex life and we have both tried really hard to find a middle ground we are both happy with.

 

We're over the three year mark and I am still dissatisfied. I struggle with long bouts of depression and frustration that stem from the sexual incompatibility. The tension from being dissatisfied taints all of my interactions with my bf, which in turn bums him out, and I am heartbroken and exhausted from having to have the same talk every few months. I hate having to remind someone to show me they want to be with me - it's hard to believe you're wanted when you have to ask for that kind of attention.

 

I'm not saying things can't be good, and every couple is different. But my personal experience has been that it does not get better. It will always need extraordinary effort to maintain, the results are typically not consistent or long lasting, and that sense of rejection when it does resurface does not get easier to bear. I want this relationship but the prospect of dealing with surpressed desires and feelings of rejection for the rest of my life is horrifying.

 

I truly hope that you two get some long lasting results and a new dynamic you both are happy with, because I get it and would love to know that this kind of problem can be overcome. I just don't have any evidence that it can.

 

Good luck.

[Turtles]

It seems confused83 is well up for making it for the long haul.

BUT it seems many posters here, want him to not even try to make it work and want him to ditch her because he is not getting sex more than once per week...

Confused83 though has his head well screwed on and knows a good thing when he sees it.

 

Where you are mistaken is that confused is NOT accepting the situation - he is deluding himself into thinking she can change into a sexual being, just because she gave him tail twice in a row... but she is not, has never been and likely never will be. Confused needs to either accept her as she is or recognize it's not a good relationship and move on. There is no shame in either choice.

[Clockwork]

How bothered would you be as a man to know your wife/girlfriend dressed up for exes in sexy underwear but has never done it for you even when you've asked?

 

Because (and I know a lot of this is down to my insecurities) she has some really sexy lingerie, stocking, suspenders, etc but with me only ever wears normal everyday lingerie. Our sex life was amazing for the first 4 months of the relationship then it slowly died down from once everytime we met to lucky if its once a week. Weve been together just over a year and I know i have a bigger libido than her but it kills me to know she was adventorous with others but not me. When we've spoke about it she says she dressed up and tried so hard because she wanted to keep him around because he kept leaving her, they also have a child together whos now 2 and a half but the dad hasn't seen him for nearly 6 months, i treat him like my own and litterally do everything for her even in the bedroom i try to do everything she wants or says she likes but whenever i ask for anything she says 'i dont like feeling pressured, i did all that before even though i didnt like it or feel comfortable just to keep his dad around but it didnt work and i dont like it' am i a complete pig for wanting her to do the same level of things for me? our sex life was great but now its a routine that once a week feels like a chore to her like shes doing it out of duty to a bf. She is amazing in every other way but for some reason just not that interested in sex. ive gotten to the point where i actually wish she'd tell me something was up so i could try to fix it but everytime i ask (after being rejected 2,3,4 times a week for sex) she just says our sex life is fine. feeling frustrated, unloved and most the time stupid for even wanting something she doesnt.

 

She should wear them for you. Or, better yet, buy her some new ones and have her wear them, then you will be the only one who has seen her in them.