Lingerie

[confused83]

How bothered would you be as a man to know your wife/girlfriend dressed up for exes in sexy underwear but has never done it for you even when you've asked?

 

Because (and I know a lot of this is down to my insecurities) she has some really sexy lingerie, stocking, suspenders, etc but with me only ever wears normal everyday lingerie. Our sex life was amazing for the first 4 months of the relationship then it slowly died down from once everytime we met to lucky if its once a week. Weve been together just over a year and I know i have a bigger libido than her but it kills me to know she was adventorous with others but not me. When we've spoke about it she says she dressed up and tried so hard because she wanted to keep him around because he kept leaving her, they also have a child together whos now 2 and a half but the dad hasn't seen him for nearly 6 months, i treat him like my own and litterally do everything for her even in the bedroom i try to do everything she wants or says she likes but whenever i ask for anything she says 'i dont like feeling pressured, i did all that before even though i didnt like it or feel comfortable just to keep his dad around but it didnt work and i dont like it' am i a complete pig for wanting her to do the same level of things for me? our sex life was great but now its a routine that once a week feels like a chore to her like shes doing it out of duty to a bf. She is amazing in every other way but for some reason just not that interested in sex. ive gotten to the point where i actually wish she'd tell me something was up so i could try to fix it but everytime i ask (after being rejected 2,3,4 times a week for sex) she just says our sex life is fine. feeling frustrated, unloved and most the time stupid for even wanting something she doesnt.

[central]

She doesn't have enough respect for you to be sexually attracted to the level you want. Since she's not that into you, there's no point in continuing the relationship. She probably just sees you as a safe choice, not a great one. Ditch her and find someone who is into YOU.

[confused83]

I dont want her to do things she doesnt want or like and i know im hoping she basically wants to do things with me when she clearly doesnt and you cant force feelings onto someone. I've never felt insecure in a relationship but i love her so much and want to make her so happy but when i want something it feels like im a chore and its killed my confidence to a point where sex has become all about her. The hardest part to accept for me is at the start we did a lot of things that now she wont do and said that at the time she didnt like it but that worries me even more because at the time she seemed to be loving it and saying things that made me feel amazing like 'you hit places ive never felt before, this feels amazing' now i feel betrayed in a way that shes basically now saying she was lieing back then. I have a huge gut feeling she did enjoy it and doesnt anymore but just wont tell me.

[confused83]

She doesn't have enough respect for you to be sexually attracted to the level you want. Since she's not that into you, there's no point in continuing the relationship. She probably just sees you as a safe choice, not a great one. Ditch her and find someone who is into YOU.

 

I cannot imagine she doesnt love or respect me when we're engaged and shes allowed me to move into her home and spoken about children with me. Surely she wouldnt want 2 children with 2 dads she isnt with

[central]

I think you are confusing settling for attraction. She may have children with you, but probably only enough sex to accomplish that and keep you around as provider and father role model. Sex frequency has already declined, so her sexual attraction has as well. I think she's settling, and if you accept this low level of libido, I think you are as well. Can you be happy with no more sex than you're having now (and probably less frequent) for the rest of your life?

[confused83]

Shes perfect in every other way just dont want to end over sex. I know I cant force feelings for her but i am sick of her always saying she will 'try' but to me if you love someone it doesnt require trying its just natural and fun.

 

Just lines like 'ill try' or 'give it time we will get there' sound like excuses because even when we are alone (just got back from a 3 day break) she didnt want sex until the last day, again like a last resort so i didnt go home gutted we'd been away alone and not slept together. How do you make love to someone who doesnt want too.

 

I think you are confusing settling for attraction. She may have children with you, but probably only enough sex to accomplish that and keep you around as provider and father role model. Sex frequency has already declined, so her sexual attraction has as well. I think she's settling, and if you accept this low level of libido, I think you are as well. Can you be happy with no more sex than you're having now (and probably less frequent) for the rest of your life?

[confused83]

What gets me the most is i do feel i can trust her and do believe she'd tell me if there was a problem. She always tells me when something is up and shes so clingy to me, calls me every half hour or if she goes out alone she calls me whenever she sees something she likes. I know she isnt that confident when it comes to sex as even early on she said 'please dont get mad if it changes and we dont do it everyday' like she was already lining me up because knew deep down she didnt have a big libido. Also shes shy and wont let me watch her, its really hard im 50-50 whether its me or whether it is just true that she is shy, loves me and doesnt have a huge libido or whether she does love me but isnt sexually attracted to me. can you really be sexually attracted to someone but too shy to make a move and constantly reject them? we seem to just get off on each other rather than actually have sex which again feels less intimate and more like 'i need a release' rather than 'lets just make love'

 

can see why im called 'confused'

[elaine567]

...Everytime i ask (after being rejected 2,3,4 times a week for sex) she just says our sex life is fine.

 

Perhaps stop "asking" as if it is something you NEED, and let things happen more naturally.

Having a 2.5 year old (the terrible twos) is going to be taxing, she is going to be tired and she is going to want some "me" time. Kids are demanding and she probably needs time to wind down and chill.

So the last thing she wants is some man asking for sex, when all she wants to do is sleep or be left alone.

 

So arrange date nights, or get baby sitters in so you can have some time alone, woo her, seduce her, mix it up a bit so it doesn't always lead to sex. Regular as clockwork, predictable sex = boring.

Keep her interested, make her want you.

 

Make sure her day hasn't been stressed either, a day worried sick about an ill baby or a day when the baby has whinged all day, and then have some man breathing down her neck wanting sex is never going to work in your favour. Be aware of how her day has been before you go charging in and get rejected.

Make sure you are affectionate at other times, even when it's not going to lead to sex, the odd hug or kiss, hold her hand etc. and no sex, gives her the feeling you care, as opposed to every embrace leading to sex, which gives her the feeling that all you want is sex.

[central]

Shes perfect in every other way just dont want to end over sex. I know I cant force feelings for her but i am sick of her always saying she will 'try' but to me if you love someone it doesnt require trying its just natural and fun.

 

Just lines like 'ill try' or 'give it time we will get there' sound like excuses because even when we are alone (just got back from a 3 day break) she didnt want sex until the last day, again like a last resort so i didnt go home gutted we'd been away alone and not slept together. How do you make love to someone who doesnt want too.

 

I do understand what you're saying, as well as both your discontent and reluctance to face that this does not get better. I've been there, so I know all about this, unfortunately. I think you're making a huge mistake, and years from now you'll look back, feeling unhappy and trapped because you have a child with this woman, and will wish you'd ended the relationship before it got even harder to do so.

 

You CAN find someone both compatible in all important ways, sexually being one of them. You need not settle for this, and be unhappy. You already sound unhappy, so how will you cope with greater rejection?

[Michelle ma Belle]

So what I'm hearing is that the REAL issue isn't necessarily the sexy lingerie she has hung at the back of the closet so much as it is the frequency and even the quality of sex you're having anymore. I doubt you'd be on here with the same gripe if she was clawing at your for sex every night while wearing her flannels

 

Listen, I'm sure you already know this but it IS normal for a couple's sex life to change the longer their together. I personally don't get it nor do I "accept" it necessarily since I'm one of those women who can't get enough sex BUT even I have to settle for partners who slow down despite their initial vigor and declarations to the contrary.

 

It's just life.

 

Having said that, 4 months into the relationship and it's already in desperate decline is a bit concerning to me. I'm also concerned with her story about how she "tried harder" with her ex for fear for fear of losing him (aka adventurous) but can't seem to muster the same amount of energy or enthusiasm for you and your relationship.

 

Red flag.

 

Finding sexually compatible companions for the long haul is like finding a needle in a haystack. It's all exciting and new and looks so promising early on in every relationship but that time period is also very deceiving. It's NOT a good measure for how the rest of your sex life will look like in the coming months and years particularly when you factor in ex's and finances and careers and children.

 

If you love her and want to make this work you will need to talk with her about this. Perhaps you have but clearly she's NOT hearing you. She's not understanding just how important this is to you and your relationship.

 

All I can tell you is that nothing will change in your relationship until you're both reading from the same page. If she continues to feel like everything is fine and she's happy with once a week sex and/or sees your advances as pestering or pressuring her, you're in for a world of frustration and resentment moving forward. Trust me on this.

 

At the very least, I would strongly suggest couple's counselling if you're not making any strides on your own. Maybe there is a specific "issue" that she's not being honest with you about or maybe she isn't even aware of it which is why seeking professional assistance can help if only to allow each person a platform to be heard.

 

Good luck.

[spanz1]

I cannot imagine she doesnt love or respect me when we're engaged and shes allowed me to move into her home and spoken about children with me.

 

you LUCKY MAN!!!! you are only engaged to her at the moment.

 

DUDE, you seriously need to re-examine this behavior. If she has kinky lingerie that she used with other men, but denies for you....that is a HUGE red flag.

 

Not saying this would happen for sure, but it sounds like the old Madonna/Whore syndrome. You marry her, she is your fairthful vanilla sex wife for 10 years. Then one day you find some sexts, dig a little deeper, and find she is collared to a BDSM master, who routinely anally abuses her and forces her to service other men in his dungeon....or some other equally disgusting thing.

 

She has a kinky side...but just does not want YOU to ever see it or benefit from kinky sex with her. Run Forest....RUNNNN!!!

 

She needs to offer you any and all sex she did with Exes, or the deal should be off. I get that she might be trying to project a wholesome girl attitude for her new husband. And she might have got tired of those sexy wild ways when the kids came. But she is not even TRYING to service you properly.

Edited December 22, 2014 by spanz1

[redtail]

you LUCKY MAN!!!! you are only engaged to her at the moment.

 

DUDE, you seriously need to re-examine this behavior. If she has kinky lingerie that she used with other men, but denies for you....that is a HUGE red flag.

 

Seriously, take heed so you'll have no regrets. Marriage will not "make things better".

[confused83]

She has said she'd wear it but feel I'm always begging for every scrap when it comes to sex. I will try holding off and not mentioning it and see if she even misses me.

 

Cannot understand how soon as I walk in she kisses cuddles me etc but just doesn't want the sex part.

 

When I mention toys or lingerie it scares her. So why does she have the outfits already :/

[USMCHokie]

LAUNCH without hesitation. It's not going to get any better down the road. It will likely only get worse. If you stay, you'll only have yourself to blame. No one in this world is so special that you have to sacrifice your happiness just to be with someone. The thought that she is "perfect in every other way" is clouding your judgment. I would surmise that she isn't all that perfect...she's just willing to be with you, and in your mind, that's good enough for you.

[confused83]

And she has said she doesn't want to feel she has to do things to keep someone anymore but then why wouldn't you want to do something for someone you love if you was willing to do it for someone else whether liked it or not

[USMCHokie]

And she has said she doesn't want to feel she has to do things to keep someone anymore but then why wouldn't you want to do something for someone you love if you was willing to do it for someone else whether liked it or not

 

She didn't do those things out of love for those other guys. She did them out of desperation. And she's no longer desperate.

 

I think it sounds like you are the desperate one in this relationship.

[redtail]

And she has said she doesn't want to feel she has to do things to keep someone anymore but then why wouldn't you want to do something for someone you love if you was willing to do it for someone else whether liked it or not

 

There you go, those are the questions you need to be asking yourself.

[Turtles]

And she has said she doesn't want to feel she has to do things to keep someone anymore but then why wouldn't you want to do something for someone you love if you was willing to do it for someone else whether liked it or not

 

Confused, you are so right. This is a young relationship (only 1 year!). You are now coming off the "high" of the early days and finding out how incompatible you 2 are. That's good! You have no idea how lucky you are to be finding this out this early on!

 

1. Dump her
   
2. Work on yourself
   
3. If she offers sex out of desperation when you dump her (since it seems that's been her pattern) be sure not to get her pregnant
   

[Michelle ma Belle]

And she has said she doesn't want to feel she has to do things to keep someone anymore but then why wouldn't you want to do something for someone you love if you was willing to do it for someone else whether liked it or not

 

She sees you a very safe and secure bet.

 

She may have gone out of her way for her ex in order to keep him around but clearly that ended up blowing up in her face multiple times.

 

Besides, her real colors would have shown through eventually. It's nearly impossible to keep up that kind of front when you're heart really isn't in it.

[confused83]

I'm torn. I want to believe her and trust she loves me deeply but don't want to end up just a partner or someone she lives with. She's always messaging saying she can't wait for cuddles etc but never mentions sex. Cannot figure out if it's me wanting too much and pressuring or her just not being bothered about it all. Doesn't like many positions and says it's best ever with me because feels comfy

 

 

She sees you a very safe and secure bet.

 

She may have gone out of her way for her ex in order to keep him around but clearly that ended up blowing up in her face multiple times.

 

Besides, her real colors would have shown through eventually. It's nearly impossible to keep up that kind of front when you're heart really isn't in it.

[Turtles]

I'm torn. I want to believe her and trust she loves me deeply but don't want to end up just a partner or someone she lives with. She's always messaging saying she can't wait for cuddles etc but never mentions sex. Cannot figure out if it's me wanting too much and pressuring or her just not being bothered about it all. Doesn't like many positions and says it's best ever with me because feels comfy

 

Well there ya go. She is TELLING you you're the comfy option. "Comfy" is not sexy lingerie, EVER.

[confused83]

IamactuallyslightlyshockedathoweveryoneonthisboardwhenIreadthroughotherpeople'sproblemsalwaysresultinalistofpeoplesaying'end it. End it now'

 

 

[veryhappy]

If you've never been insecure in a relationship, why are you accepting that now? Are you getting insecure about your future because you are 50?

 

 

To say something on your gf side, maybe that lingerie doesn't fit her well after baby. That doesn't seem to be the excuse though.

 

 

Now, for the reality check. She is not amazing and sex is not a small issue. Sex and money tear people apart. You will be in a sexless relationship. Do you really want another child? Is it something that you want or you'd do it for her? Do you want to be in a sexless marriage with two young kids?

 

 

You're not in the business of changing anyone, especially with something so intimate as sex. There are plenty of single moms who would love you and have sex with you and not just cuddles. You sound like a good guy, you can find a good woman who's a good sexual fit.

 

 

I think your gf is not over her hurt with her baby daddy, and that's legitimate. She's been hurt. You can't be her daddy saving her and making her safe, because that's not what you want. You want a real, equal, sexual relationship. She's not offering that and she will not and don't waste your time trying to make her and the r something that it's not there and won't be there.

[elaine567]

IamactuallyslightlyshockedathoweveryoneonthisboardwhenIreadthroughotherpeople'sproblemsalwaysresultinalistofpeoplesaying'end it. End it now'

 

 

 

Why would you end it?

Could it be that all the sexy lingerie was used before she had a child.

Maybe she doesn't feel that sexy any more and that is nothing to do with you.

Her image of herself may be poor, and she feels uncomfortable/ embarrassed about her figure post-baby and being a SAHM perhaps.

She may just not be the confident person she was prior to having the baby and being dumped by her ex.

Her self esteem and confidence are maybe low. Comfy sex is thus a bonus.

Standing up in sexy lingerie needs confidence, she may have been rejected by her ex in the past when she did that, so doesn't want to be rejected by you too.

Lots of issues to explore here.

[truncated]

Before everyone freaks out on me, hear me out...

 

If I were in your shoes, I would take some time to serriously evaluate my marriage. immediately jumping off to 'dump her' may be good advice, or it could be horrible.

 

If you look at the rest of your life with her, and all is realy good except for the sex, then ask yourself if you will be willing to wait for a year. During that time, explain to her your thoughts and feelings without judgement and without threats. tell her that you love her and your want your marraige to be a success, and to you, being sexually intimate is a big part of that. tell her that , because of this desire to have your marriage work, you want the two of you to attend marraige counseling together to discuss the issue.

 

i;m not trying to attack you here, but in my experience, sexual issues rarely happen in a vaccum, there is usually some fcators from both partners that contribute to the problem.

 

Example; I had a friend who didn;t wnat to have sex wth him, because, well, let's just say he wasn't all that he thought he was. She spoke to me about how he was getting angry with her for not wanting sex, and she didn;t know what to do as she didnt; wna to hurt him by telling him waht was going on. She finally did, and while he was hurt, once he thought about it, they were able to begin to find ways of adressing the problem. It took a while, but things improved greatly for them.

 

I'm not saying you are like her husband, only that that there are two sides to every story, and it may be best for your long term peace of ind to find out what hers is, and if it can be adressed.