Struggling to accept it... how did you?

[kenmore]

You and I seem to be on the same cycle. Today was a bad one for me too. HUGS!

[outthewindow]

WTF? Honestly I'm not entirely stupid but I just don't understand.

 

First he desperately wanted to see me on his birthday but then couldn't commit to seeing me... It was his idea but Whatever, brushed it off.

 

Then he wanted desperately to see me to exchange Xmas gifts... But still hasn't / can't make an actual time to do that... And it was his friggin idea!

 

Now I say we need to meet because we need to discuss the divorce and I need paperwork from him to file (Yep, I'm filing even tho divorce was HIS idea), and he can't commit to a time to do that either!

 

WTF?!

 

I'm seriously tearing my hair out... I'm crying and angry and hurt and I don't even know what. I'm pissed, because even now, he has me waiting around for him!

 

AAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

[kenmore]

OTW, there shouldn't be anything you need from him to file for divorce (unless it's very different than it is here in Ca.) Just file, and if there are papers you need, they go into the discovery phase.

 

You can probably have them subpoena'd if you need them for monetary info or something like that, but I don't think you need to in order to file.

 

Some people simply don't have access to certain things when they file for divorce, so there are avenues to get around that. If you are ready, just do it. Don't wait for him.

 

...or are you waiting for him, trying to meet him for Xmas gifts / birthdays etc because you are still trying to make it work? If so, you probably need to make the decision first.

 

That said, I don't think my wife made the decision. She's under the impression she can just go stop it if she changes her mind later. What she doesn't know is my own resolve is setting, and I may not agree.

[outthewindow]

Hi Ken,

 

It's vastly different here ?

 

I need all the supporting financials to draw up the paperwork and file. It won't happen without them. Therefore I must meet with him... Or otherwise engage a lawyer to chase him for it. Which becomes much more expensive obviously.

 

I don't want to see him really. Ok, honestly, I'm 50/50 about seeing him but I'm not holding out any hope or whatever... It's done. It's also been not even 3 weeks since we called it quits so I think I'm entitled to make a few mistakes along the way... Even if it is just to say Merry Xmas or whatever.

 

At the same time, I'm completely dependent on him financially while this all happens and even my settlement from him is mostly dependant on us coming to an agreeable solution. So I can't really go all hard and evil. Not that I even want to, but it would be detrimental to me to do so in any case.

 

I just feel like crap because just like our entire relationship, or split is also on his terms and timeline. Drives me nuts!

[kenmore]

Boy do I hear you OTW!

 

Everything in our relationship was on her terms. She had the upper hand in everything. She made the money, owned the house, determined where we would go out to dinner etc, and I put myself in that position. Now, the divorce is her idea and it's happening her way.

 

I'm taking small victories where I can, but they are unsatisfying.

 

That's one reason I think it is time to end it, though I do love her so much! There has been too much history.

 

I'm so sorry you are in that position. Since you are and since you obviously don't want to pay huge attorney fees, then all you can do is bend over and take it. I know how that feels too!

 

All I can do is offer hugs and understanding! and the knowledge that someone somewhere cares.

 

Ken

[toolforgrowth]

What your STBXH can't control is what you do with your life after you're gone. It irritates my xWW even now that I do what I want when I want, even though we've been split up for three years now. Case in point, I wanted to have my own conference with our daughter's teacher instead of going with her and she bitched about it. I didn't care and went on my own anyway.

 

I flew across country with a FWB (who is now just a friend) a few months back and when I asked her to watch our daughter while I was gone, she got all cool and dry on me.

 

I make a LOT more money now, and I know that if anything bothers her the most, it's that. I'm more successful with her gone, and she knows it.

 

Let him have his "victories" now...they'll mean nothing when you pick up the pieces of your life and make them better than they were before. In other words, don't just think short term, think long term as well.

[outthewindow]

Ok so the STBX came over today. He forgot my Xmas gift so now wants to come over next week sometime to give it to me...

 

We had a chat about our divorce, both of us admitting that it somehow doesn't feel real or right but then he tells me he went to see a lawyer and has started the paperwork... Ok good, that means I don't have to. There were some discrepancies in the paperwork so it needs to go back and be fixed and then it looks like I'll be signing them next week and we will be on our way to ending things for good.

 

Somehow, after years of trying to decide whether to stay or go things seem to be moving so fast my head is spinning! I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that it's so fast.

 

Anyway, we managed to be in each other's company for a couple of hours and didn't fight or argue, so that's an improvement already.

 

I'm still getting massive mixed signals though. Last week he tells me that he hasn't loved me for ages, then the next day via text he sends me a list of all the things he loves about me. Today he wants to cuddle and tells me that he misses being close to me, nothing sexual, just hugging. And an attempt at a kiss from him. But at the same time he wants the paperwork started now.

 

I just don't understand. Chose a damn path and stick to it! He obviously wants the divorce but why does he continue to be all lovey at the same time? I swear I'll never understand!

[LoveMyCat]

Ok so the STBX came over today. He forgot my Xmas gift so now wants to come over next week sometime to give it to me...

 

We had a chat about our divorce, both of us admitting that it somehow doesn't feel real or right but then he tells me he went to see a lawyer and has started the paperwork... Ok good, that means I don't have to. There were some discrepancies in the paperwork so it needs to go back and be fixed and then it looks like I'll be signing them next week and we will be on our way to ending things for good.

 

Somehow, after years of trying to decide whether to stay or go things seem to be moving so fast my head is spinning! I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that it's so fast.

 

Anyway, we managed to be in each other's company for a couple of hours and didn't fight or argue, so that's an improvement already.

 

I'm still getting massive mixed signals though. Last week he tells me that he hasn't loved me for ages, then the next day via text he sends me a list of all the things he loves about me. Today he wants to cuddle and tells me that he misses being close to me, nothing sexual, just hugging. And an attempt at a kiss from him. But at the same time he wants the paperwork started now.

 

I just don't understand. Chose a damn path and stick to it! He obviously wants the divorce but why does he continue to be all lovey at the same time? I swear I'll never understand!

 

Imo, be careful. He may be playing "sweet" to get you to sign the papers. He may want "good feelings" all around. This does not mean he is trying to cheat you...but I would make sure to read every word before signing and ask your lawyer about anything you do not clearly understand.

 

Or he may just be going for a "friendly divorce" without any financial motive, but he is going about it in an odd way...I can see why you are confused if he is telling you all of the things he loves about you. Again, just be careful and try to act with your head, not your heart.

[outthewindow]

Here I sit, almost one month after he moved out for good and even though he wants a quick divorce, I still don't have the papers. He popped over to bring me some things earlier in the week and told me that his lawyer had fixed the paperwork. When I asked for it he said he still had to print it out... Well it's been all week and I still don't have it. So much for a quick divorce huh?

 

Considering that all of this will be done not in English I am most definitely taking it to my lawyer to check over before I sign... If I ever get given the damn papers to check anyway.

 

Today was a bit of a revelation for me. We were supposed to go to a funeral together this morning. Last night he tells me hat he's sick and may not make it, this morning he tells me he's not coming. And here's the thing, I don't believe him. I don't even trust him to be honest with me about being ill. Why? Well it wouldn't be the first time he's faked being sick to get out of doing something he didn't want to. And from what I gather, even though he says it's not about going with me, it's about going with me. My revelation is that I completely do not trust this man. And that makes divorcing him so much easier, because I don't want to spend another second of my life with someone I don't trust.

 

Any yes, I have trust issues. After being with someone who lied and manipulated me for almost a decade I think that's understandable. But it's not just about the lies. It's about never feeling secure in our relationship. It's about all those times he's promised to do something, no matter how small or how big, and hasn't followed through with it. It's about him doing he right thing for himself and not for us. I don't trust him. And it's ok that it's over, because I deserve to be with someone I trust.

 

On the other hand, figuring out exactly how much I don't trust him has made me so very sad. I loved him and trusted him with my life at some point... And this is what it's come to. And that makes me so, so sad. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

[Ralph79]

OTW:

 

Without going into details about was has happened in your relationship in the past, I will tell you what is going on right now.

 

You clearly loved this man. But on top of that you have surrendered your power to him. Completely. I don't think he's worried, asking other people advice on message boards about how he can deal with this breakup.

 

Get your power back from him. Don't let him dictate the terms of meetings, conversations and contact. You feel this way because he hurt you. As long as you keep letting him step in and out of your life as he pleases, you will always be a doormat to him.

 

Exchange Xmas presents? He wants to see you, then doesn't? All this is contributing to your state of mind. And the only one at fault here is you for allowing it to continue.

 

I'm not saying this in a harsh or mean way. I hope you overcome your sorrow sooner rather than later, but believe me you eventually will. No man or woman is worth being a yo-yo for. He doesn't deserve your tears or your sorrow. The day that sinks in, is the day you will feel happy again.

[outthewindow]

Signed the divorce papers today.

 

I knew it was coming so of course couldn't sleep last night, spent it awake in bed crying. He came over this afternoon with the papers and we signed them together. I, of course, had to do it through my tears.

 

I know it's the right thing to do. I know it in the logical part of my brain, but I'm so sad and scared.

 

Why is it that doing what's 'right' for me hurts so damn much? How do I make it stop? And how do I turn off the tears? My eyes are so swollen I can barely see...

[beach]

Did you have the papers reviewed before signing?

 

If it's finalized you are now free of him.

 

Move far away! Don't look back - and block every way of him contacting/manipulating you.

 

Stop handing him all YOUR power. He doesn't own you and you should do what now makes your life different and happy.

[kenmore]

Hugs OTW, and in the interest of making a post of at least ten letters, hugs again!

[outthewindow]

Thanks ken, hugs right back at you.

 

Beach, I had my lawyer check them before I signed. I'm doing all of this in a foreign language so I couldn't not have them checked even if I wanted to. The ex is being more than fair, so I can't complain about that.

 

I'm not quite free yet, the papers need to be submitted to court, and then we must wait for a court date for it all to be official. And as soon as it is I'll be moving home... To the other side of the world so I'm guessing that's going to be far away enough.

 

Somehow my brain seems to be malfunctioning... All I can remember right now is all the good times we had. I know that's a skewed image, I wouldn't be divorcing him if it was true... But my brain won't cooperate and let me remember why I'm actually going.

 

Just to be clear, we had some crap times... Lots of them, but I'm not innocent in all this. I did my fair share of rubbish to hurt our marriage too. A lot of people here hate their ex's, and with good reason. I don't hate mine, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. Yes, he hurt me repeatedly and I hurt him repeatedly. And for all his faults he does have his good points, as we all do.

 

I am angry at some of the things he's done, and the fact that he's too emotionally damaged to even see that his way wasn't the right way for us to survive as a couple. But at the end of the day it takes two to tango and I have my mistakes and faults to live with too.

 

I'm angry, but I'm mostly just sad....

 

Only a few more months and then I'm free. Good or bad, the wheels are set in motion officially now and there's nothing I can do but try to come to terms with it.

 

Thanks everyone and I'm sure I'll be back soon... I've started packing up my things and that's proving to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. ?

 

It's great to have this as an outlet for some of my pain and confusion ... Even if no one reads or replies it's just good to get it out sometimes.

[MsOptimist]

Hi OTW, I just read through your thread and had to comment because your STBXH sounds exactly like my exH. He was never really emotionally invested in me or the marriage, and I knew it, but stayed in a codependent marriage with him for almost 10 years. It wasn't until he blew up our marriage, in a cruel and heartless way, that I saw him for who he really is. He has very strong BPD and NPD traits and upon separation it had me question if I had those strong traits too. Nope, just a huge codependency with him.

 

Once I stepped back from the situation - because it moved lightening fast, like your situation - I saw that he was NOT the kind of person I wanted as a husband. And he also came crawling back and didn't want to lose me as an option even after he was treating me like dirt. I wish I'd had the strength to walk away from him much sooner, but at least I had the strength to say "NO MORE" once the separation and divorce were in process.

 

You're making big progress and you will eventually come out of this as an even stronger person. I cried for days and weeks while separating, I have never cried so much in my life (and I'm an easy crier and emotional person). It's good to release all the emotions that hit you. You are truly mourning the end of the life that you thought you had, and wanted, and with the person you thought you knew. It is very much a death. And then throw in all of the life uncertainties of moving and packing and disentangling your lives.

 

What I can tell you from experience is that you'll learn exactly what you DON'T want in a life partner and you'll be able to weed those people out much quicker.

 

The sadness will lessen over time. I think it will always be sad to think about, but the overwhelming sadness will lessen and you'll be able to simple acknowledge it and continue on with your day. Your eyes will be more open to the happy people and things around you - focus on those whenever possible. You'll realize that there is life beyond him and beyond your marriage.

 

When I sat in my therapist's office while going through my divorce he told me that one year from then I'd be in a MUCH better place. He was right.

 

Your move will keep you busy and just get through each day and each week right now.

 

I know that the process seems lightening fast, mine was too. The bomb was dropped and I was moved out 4.5 weeks later. The divorce was started 4 months after the bomb (like you, he wanted it so bad but then dragged his feet) and was finalized 7 months after the bomb. My life instantly turned upside down - and it was a huge blessing in disguise. You're being forced to deal with everything head on, and in the long run that will help you heal.

 

My life is SO MUCH DIFFERENT NOW and SO MUCH BETTER. Yours will be too. Trust in that and even if you don't believe it, fake it til you make it. Hang in there!

[kenmore]

...Your eyes will be more open to the happy people and things around you - focus on those whenever possible. You'll realize that there is life beyond him and beyond your marriage...

 

Good Lord, those people are pissing me off so much right now!!!

 

...When I sat in my therapist's office while going through my divorce he told me that one year from then I'd be in a MUCH better place. He was right.

 

Your move will keep you busy and just get through each day and each week right now.

 

Of course that's right. MsOptimist, your post is a nice ray of hope and completely right. My circumstances seem different than yours. While the time frames seem the same, the feelings are completely different, and I still don't know how to feel; but I do feel and of course it's pain.

 

But OTW is, as I recall, in a new country and that makes her isolated. OTW, are you moving back home? Is it the USA? I never did get that info.

 

I wish for the pain to end, but I wish more to find inner peace. There are many avenues to peace, from finding a new love to reconciliation to becoming content in work. I'm actually just now becoming enthralled in the potentials!

 

I'm somewhat ashamed to say this but when my first wife died, after a period of complete despair and hopelessness, I found comfort in the potential. That there was a new life awaiting me, and STBX was it! I find so much happiness, even still, looking back at the courting time and now am a little afraid to, but still feel a compulsion to look forward to new potential! Who will I find? How much will we love each other? What will she be like in bed? All of the questions I had in mind when I met STBX, and unfortunately the answers were fantastic! That just makes it harder. Sadly, the second question (how much will we love each other) misled me because I really thought she did, but she didn't.

 

Sorry, I always seem to go off on a tangent of talking about myself. I don't mean to, I can't seem to help it. I truly wish you well as I do OTW. I consider you a good friend now OTW, and only want you to find inner peace. HUGS!!!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

MsOptimist

Thank you, I needed that. Somehow I just need to be told that I'll be ok. That this will all be over, the marriage, the divorce, the pain and the tears... And I'll be ok on the other end. Sometimes seeing that light at the end of the tunnel is almost impossible. Thank you for reminding me that it exists.

 

Ken

I am in a different country and I am a little isolated. I'm moving home (not to the US) after all this but I'm scared about that too... I haven't lived in my home country for almost a decade. We did 3 years of traveling and spent 6 odd years here so I'm pooing my pants about moving home.

 

I know I'll at least be home, with my own language and culture and my family, screwed up as they are... Even my old friends I guess. The thing is, it's been so long I'm not sure I'll belong there anymore... And I don't belong here... So what do I do? Staying here isn't an option so home it is...

 

At this stage thinking about meeting someone else turns my stomach .... I really need to take the time to sort out myself first. I need to move home, find a job, find somewhere to live... Start my life again from nada. New relationships are no where near my list of priorities right now.

 

I spent tonight reading back through this thread.

 

Somehow I feel like I've lost some ground. Valentine's Day weekend was awful for me and I'm just recovering now... I don't even know why it was awful, it's not like we used to do anything amazing on Valentine's Day even when we were together, and my day was actually pretty good... I made dinner for my neighbors, we ate together and watched a film... About the same as I would have done with the Ex I guess, so why am I so down?

 

Communication with ex has dropped off a lot recently. Maybe it's that. This is going to sound awful, but I know I don't want to be married to him anymore, I know I'm better off without him, yet I still want him to want me... And he doesn't, and that makes me feel rejected and disposable.

 

I almost feel like I'm losing my mind. One minute I'm doing fine, everything is going swimmingly, then the next minute I'm screaming in agony from losing him. And I don't even want to be with him so why is losing him so hurtful?

 

Am I nuts?

[Ralph79]

I almost feel like I'm losing my mind. One minute I'm doing fine, everything is going swimmingly, then the next minute I'm screaming in agony from losing him. And I don't even want to be with him so why is losing him so hurtful?

 

Am I nuts?

 

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The same routines and thought processes that once brought you pleasure now bring you pain. You've been executing them in your mind for years. It's not something you can just simply stop. That's why it's feels so confusing.

 

You can rationalize your goals and decisions very clearly (ie: "I don't even want to be with him"), but those same instructions are telling the rest of yourself: His recollections can't be pleasant anymore. Thus you get pain. It's like a wound that's healing.

 

The pain is a part of the process of recovery. You can't skip it. Every day you are in pain is a day you are stronger than before. Eventually you won't need that pain. Your wound will have healed. You can accelerate the process of healing by living a rich and fulfilling life in the process. By finding and immersing yourself in your passion. It's up to all of us. I believe positive and rewarding habits are the antibodies for a broken heart.

 

Much like the theory that broken bones become stronger when healed, I think the same of a broken heart. They're recoveries seem to me like a parallel process too. Much like a broken bone, you need to tend to a broken heart. Allow it time to heal but eventually you will need to exercise it again to regain strength once it's up to the task.

 

Know that everything is a journey, and those experiences that have dealt us the most crushing hardships are usually the most rewarding when overcome.

 

You are not nuts. You are human.

[outthewindow]

Thanks Ralph, you always seem to know just what to say. ?

 

So, I have a court date... Which means it's about 3 weeks until I'm officially divorced. This, so far, is the hardest thing I've had to face. I know this is all for the best, I know I'll look back and be glad.... Eventually. But right now.... Right now it's tearing me to shreds. I can't even seem to form a compete thought.

 

All I want to do is hide in a corner and cry for everything I'm losing. Good and bad, it was mine, and now it's not, and I'm just breaking at the thought of it being over for ever.

 

How do I walk away from my entire life? I mean, it's not just my beast friend and worst enemy I'll be saying goodbye to, it's my home, my cats, my friends, my identity as a wife and an expat.... Everything. How do I survive walking away from all of that, crawling back to my parents and starting from nothing again?

 

How did all of you survive? How did you do it when you were just falling apart inside?

 

I feel so hurt and rejected. I feel completely discarded and worthless. ?

[Ralph79]

Thanks Ralph, you always seem to know just what to say.

 

So, I have a court date... Which means it's about 3 weeks until I'm officially divorced. This, so far, is the hardest thing I've had to face. I know this is all for the best, I know I'll look back and be glad.... Eventually. But right now.... Right now it's tearing me to shreds. I can't even seem to form a compete thought.

 

All I want to do is hide in a corner and cry for everything I'm losing. Good and bad, it was mine, and now it's not, and I'm just breaking at the thought of it being over for ever.

 

How do I walk away from my entire life? I mean, it's not just my beast friend and worst enemy I'll be saying goodbye to, it's my home, my cats, my friends, my identity as a wife and an expat.... Everything. How do I survive walking away from all of that, crawling back to my parents and starting from nothing again?

 

How did all of you survive? How did you do it when you were just falling apart inside?

 

I feel so hurt and rejected. I feel completely discarded and worthless.

 

I remember thinking to myself that every letter I wrote down on my divorce was going to bring a tear down my eye. The idea of a life without her was so tragic and senseless that I knew life after that point was going to lack taste, color, passion, reason, meaning.

 

I was rejected. discarded. I was at one point told that suicide was more appealing than being with me the rest of their life. I was brought down back to square 1. A lifetime of teasing, bullying which were dealt with by becoming a shy an introvert lonely person was apparently overcome when she came into my life. The only person I have kissed and loved ultimately told me "no wonder you were teased and bullied, I can understand THEM".

 

How did I survive. How did I do it when I was falling apart inside?

 

By living my life. That so called movie inside our heads is not as bad as you imagine it. Life is what we make of it. And eventually I got tired of mine being a tragic melodrama.

 

I'm really sorry for your pain. Words cannot heal some things. But that won't stop me from saying you will be a better person, a stronger person, once you are able to process the advice everyone has given you here, and once your find yourself in the right state of mind to accept and embrace your new reality and you will come back one day posting "Thanks everyone. I understand what you were trying to tell me. I am happy".

 

And in turn help those who went through what you did.

 

Stay strong

 

*hugs*

[outthewindow]

OMG Ralph, I am so sorry! What kind of evil creature says something like that? And I say creature because she obviously lost her humanity if she thinks a comment like that is okay in any way!

 

From reading your replies on LS I can say that you are one of the most thoughtful and kind people I've come across. She didn't deserve you... In fact, she didn't deserve to be the dog poo you accidentally stepped on if she could say something like that.

 

Thank your lucky stars you're free from that kind of nasty!

 

Hugs

[MsOptimist]

Thanks Ralph, you always seem to know just what to say. ?

 

So, I have a court date... Which means it's about 3 weeks until I'm officially divorced. This, so far, is the hardest thing I've had to face. I know this is all for the best, I know I'll look back and be glad.... Eventually. But right now.... Right now it's tearing me to shreds. I can't even seem to form a compete thought.

 

All I want to do is hide in a corner and cry for everything I'm losing. Good and bad, it was mine, and now it's not, and I'm just breaking at the thought of it being over for ever.

 

How do I walk away from my entire life? I mean, it's not just my beast friend and worst enemy I'll be saying goodbye to, it's my home, my cats, my friends, my identity as a wife and an expat.... Everything. How do I survive walking away from all of that, crawling back to my parents and starting from nothing again?

 

How did all of you survive? How did you do it when you were just falling apart inside?

 

I feel so hurt and rejected. I feel completely discarded and worthless. ?

 

You survive one step at a time, one day at a time.

 

You're saying goodbye to a lot of things, and that deserves mourning because it's a significant loss. You will also be saying hello to new things. Eventually the scales begin to tip. The sadness of the divorce will begin to lighten and the happiness of your newly discovered freedoms will be felt more strongly.

 

I was scared about everything - moving, living on my own, leaving things and animals behind (we split up the animals), etc. I discovered that I ended up liking my new living arrangements. I was relieved to not be around his controlling attitude anymore, and that was a huge weight off my shoulders. Soon you'll see that, "Hey, this isn't so bad!"

 

You won't realize those things until you're living in the "new normal" as I used to call it. You'll create new habits, new memories, new friends, new routes to work. Happier doors will begin to open up when you least expect them to.

 

I was embarrassed by the divorce. I loved being a wife and felt like a failure for getting a divorce. I learned that the more I opened up to people about the divorce, the more people shared their own similar stories with me. Eventually I felt not as alone in the situation and that I wasn't the only woman who has been divorced. It's not a fun club to be a part of, but there are many of us who can sympathize.

 

Try not to be afraid of the new normals ahead. Keep a sense of humor and look for the bright spots.

[outthewindow]

As I mentioned earlier my brain has been playing tricks on me lately. Remembering only the good stuff I'd be losing. So I did something about it.

 

I sat down and wrote a list of all the bad things I'll be getting rid of with this divorce... 5 minutes and 30 bullet points later I felt a shedload better.

 

I've also done some more reading with the thought that people both here and in RL have questioned his mental state... I really don't think he's BPD, but I do think he's passive aggressive and that may well be a type of BPD, I really don't know.

 

I was reading about PAs and think to myself that I could have written the articles! His behavior matches 95% of what goes into making someone PA... It's scary! And it's even scarier that I never saw it. I mean I knew something wasn't right for a long time... For most of the marriage if I'm being honest, but I couldn't put my finger on what. I mean, it was NEVER his fault, there was always some excuse for his behavior or someone else to blame... Usually me.

 

I'm not crazy! And that's the thing that's making me feel better than anything else, I'm not crazy and I wasn't imagining it!

[outthewindow]

MsOptimist

 

That's just it, I'm already feeling better day to day not having him around wearing me down with his crap. I'm more sad about leaving the rest of my life here than I am about leaving him. I'm devastated that I have to leave my cats and my home and my friends... I'm sad about leaving him, but I'm not devastated about it... So strange!

 

I also loved being a wife... And I hate the idea of being a divorcee. I'm hoping that changes with time. At the end of the day they are just labels to hide behind... And I'm tired of hiding.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my ramblings... It really helps knowing I can reach out... It also helps more than you know to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'll be ok.

 

Thank you!

Hugs

[Ralph79]

There's a long story I was reminded of when reading your posts OTW, you might have heard it differently, and I'll do my best to recall all the details about it:

 

There once was a poverty stricken province a preacher and his pupil were passing through. They noticed a sickly young boy walk into the most dilapidated house in the province. They stopped to pay a visit to provide assistance and found a family of 3, that were barely surviving on the trade resources provided by an aging cow they were sustaining. The family asked the preacher to bless the cow in hopes of a long life. The preacher obliged. The preacher noticed that several items within the house were handcrafted by the Husband. When asked about the origins of their intricately woven sheets, the wife said it was her work, because they couldn't afford luxuries. The pupil noticed the limited supplies the family were living off, and understood the source of the sickly boy's poor health. Both him and the preacher declined to partake in a meal from their supplies, but agreed to stay with them the night in acceptance of their gratitude.

 

At midnight, the preacher woke his pupil up and told him to accompany him outside. The preacher then took a knife from the family's kitchen and proceeded to kill the cow. The pupil was in shock. He knew the preacher had just basically destroyed whatever hope of survival this family had. The preacher then told his pupil that their work was finished and they should go.

 

A year later, destiny brought them back to the province and that poor family. The pupil was dreading walking by their house, not wanting to face the fate that awaited the family as a result of their actions a year prior. But when they got there, in place of the shabby hut, was a two-story home. The pupil figured the boy or the family had died, and new settlers were in their place, so he kept on walking. The preacher stopped by the house and knocked on the door. He was greeted by the family. The pupil couldn't believe his eyes. The sickly boy had grown into a healthy young kid. And the parents looked happier than ever.

 

They expressed concern for the preacher and his pupil, thinking the pair had been victims of vandals they believed took their cow's life that dreaded day a year ago. When the pupil asked them what happened afterwards, the family explained that once the initial feeling of despair that overwhelmed them for several days passed, the Husband started working as the town's blacksmith, and the wife found work as a weaver. Not only were they more profitable ventures, but they had incredible talent doing them. In the end they were grateful for the outcome because, had they continued living their limited lifestyle, they most likely would have lost their boy to sickness or disease.

 

What I took from this story when applying its lesson to my life was:

 

Some of us in disastrous marriages have grown used to experience love and happiness in a limited and conditional manner. And just like that family that relied on that aging cow for survival, we rely on our despondent significant others, and even go as far as holding on to them for dear life, when it's clear to everyone else we are better off.

 

This divorce is the end of the restriction that was placed on your happiness. What you will make of your life from this point on, will bring you greater joy than anything you've done before. The cow is dead, it's time to start your new adventure

 

Anything you do with your life from now on, is better than what he was putting you through at the end.