blind_otter Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Originally posted by snilljente But he was with his ex for 6 years, so he is CAPABLE of having a relationship....so is it ME and I just don't see it.....Do I stick with changing gyms so I don't see him or do I hold my head up high and continue to go to the same gym and just be cordial showing him that I am a good, decent person and reminding him of what he has thrown away......???? AUGH! His mother called me today. It's like they can't let goooooooo. I wondered with my ex, often, if it was ME making him crazy or vice versa. In the end it doesn't matter because you need to attend to your mental health. If you feel insecure, unstable, and unhappy, there is no need to waste your time on this relationship. Those are red flags, right there. Maybe let some cooling time go before you work out around him, otherwise it will look ilke you deliberately are trying to make him feel bad (which you kind of are). Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Ok, thanks Moimeme....Yeah, if he is not willing to at least meet me halfway behavior wise...I guess it is doomed...I was just looking for him to give me a little more than a crumb of hope....he is not willing/able to do this....do I change gyms? Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Oh yea, what if he calls....? I KNOW that I will be tempted to fall back into the pattern with him because I do care..... Link to post Share on other sites
tyreas Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown just out of curiosity, moi, where do you look for men like that? for example, many people meet other people in places like bars. while men in bars can be lovely, not many are very bright, open-minded, and love learning while being spiritual...some may be, but not all. and not likely are all four characteristics at once! so where would you find these men? I have always had luck meeting girls through friends, I would assume the same works for guys? In any event, if it doesn't work out, you can always blame the friend who hooked you up. Seriously though most men are exactly as you put it. Its all a chance game, sooner or later you win the lotto. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 do I change gyms? Depends. If that's the cleanest, nicest, most convenient, best gym then no. However, if you're the sort that will be crushed every time you see him, though, maybe change for a while until he's out of your system. Or, if there's another gym you were interested in and might prefer - go for it. Oh yea, what if he calls....? I KNOW that I will be tempted to fall back into the pattern with him because I do care..... The famous No Contact. If you have an addiction (and love is one), any exposure to the addicting substance will prolong the withdrawal. The only solution is to go cold turkey and stick to that plan. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 But what if this is just a bump in the road.....how do I get rid of this feeling that we are meant to be together if he would just give it a REAL chance and stop sabotaging things...I do want to change gyms, at least for a few months....but in the mean time, I would like to write him a letter....just explaining my feelings through this whole situation and that I did not have sex with his friend and that I hope that someday he will get over being so "cautious" and give a good woman a real chance because his cautiousness (which is what he called his unavailability/flakiness) destroyed us before we ever got a real chance.....Why can't I shake this feeling that he and I could have something great if all of the BS was out of the way??? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 how do I get rid of this feeling that we are meant to be together if he would just give it a REAL chance and stop sabotaging things The 'it would be wonderful if only she/he were different' is what keeps people in rotten relationships. You can't remake someone into the ideal mate and he's shown no desire to remake himself. He doesn't seem interested in working with you to create a relationship. Therefore, it's a lost cause. Wishing it will never make it so. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Moimeme, you're right....that's the biggest mistake I made.....Last Fall when I had invited him along with me anf my friends for say...the second or third time....and he had made an excuse of why he could't come...no matter how many times he called after that...I should have not allowed him another chance...I mean, this is my feeling....Last Fall, when I asked him out a few times and he said no or he "would see" which always ended in him no showing or having an excuse..I should have decided for myself that he had his chances at being with me and that by passing them up he had given up the opportunity to be with me...months later (January) when he finally suggested we hang out...well, that was too late...if you meet the man/woman of your dreams/or at least someone you are REALLY interesting in getting to know, it doesn't matter what else is going on in your life, you accept their invitation/s and spend some time getting to knowthem......by rejecting me at that point, I should have gotten the message that he wasn't interested, or at least not interested enough (i.e. as interested as I was) and ended the pursuit/my availability right there...I DO NOT believe that I am the person for him if it took him 6 months to decide he wanted to hang out with me and then he did so with SUCH hesitation (what he called him being "cautious").......I mean if you are interested, you JUMP at the opportunity to at least get to know someone better, whether you are cautious or not....input?!! Thanks for listening Moimeme..I am sure this will get easier as the days go by....I just have a sick feeling in my stomach right now...it hurts that he is accusing me of having sex with his friend....it's something I reserve for people I truly care about ....like I did with E. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Got ahold of E's buddy tonight and asked him if he was spreading rumors that we had sex...he said no, but that E had called him too and yelled at him with the same accusation..he said that E has had plenty of opportunties to step up to the plate and be a man with you if he was that into you and he hasn't, so he has no reason to be mad the we ran into each other out or that I crashed at your house.....it's none of his business.....I thanked him that he wasn't spreading rumors and called E...got his voice mail of course and just left him a message stating that I had talked to his buddy, didn't know who was spreading the BS rumors but that I have not done anything wrong and that if he had EVER given us a chance and really spent any real time with me, and not just flaked on me and kept making excuses for why he couldn't see me, he would have known this. I told him that whoever he dates next, he needs to give a real chance, that it's ok to be cautious, but, that after so much continual rejection (in the form of no shows, excuses, disappearing, not returned calls) people's self-esteem starts to suffer and they start reacting emotionally as I had...I suggested giving someone a real chance and then IF they gave you reason to be cautious, THEN pulling back...but at least giving them a chance...we all have been hurt in the past....but you can't punish innocent people for what somone in your past has done......I feel better that I cleared this up with his buddy and left him this message...I know who I am and what I did and did not do and his behavior has been his choice all along....and even his buddy who is only 25 (E is 37!) had the sense to see this.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 At 25, not having one's act together is excusable. If it's not accomplished by 37, it may never be. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 So True! and if and when someone decides that they need to "get it together" (aka...make some changes in their life..), only they can do this and no amount of prodding from other people will help....It's really up to him to figure out what he wants in life and make it happen........I've gone above and beyond what most women would have done patience wise.....now the ball is completely in his court....and he wants to act like he never met me because of some stupid rumor, well, it will be his loss!! Thanks so much for hearing me out through this mess....it really helped..... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 You're welcome and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I called today on myb way to my parents' house for Easter and just left a message wishing him a Happy Easter and stating that I didn't sleep with his friend that he knows that i am not the type of girl to be going out every weekend finding people to take home to have sex with...that rather, I have spent many Sat nights at home wishing I were with him, but that if he doesn't want to be friends with me, he can't expect me not to hang out with other people.....but that I hope that we can be friends at some point because I do care about him.....Was this stupid...? I just miss him and want the BS to stop and us to be together like a real couple..... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Um. Quit calling him. You've already left the same message several times. He's going to think you a stalker. .....Was this stupid...? YES. I just miss him and want the BS to stop and us to be together like a real couple..... Read my lips: HE WILL NOT CHANGE. What you want is not going to happen. You need to understand this. If you don't, then it's time to get help because you're about to get yourself into trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I'm not a stalker..just trying to show him that I am the bigger person...I don't plan on calling again....and you're right if he changes, it will be because he wants to and not because I want it to happen.....it's hard to care for someone and then suddenly they are not a part of your life anymore.......Moimeme...just curious, how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I was just curious if we are close in age....I am 36.... Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I have been stood up, every gal has. I have found there to be a variety of possible reasons. Sometimes things like they hooked up with someone who they got lucky with and I'm the one banging them so why hang out with me and lose money on a dinner they pay for? Sorry, it gets that bad..... Or that they are married and stuck in other plans. Unfortunately, rarely does the guy have a decent excuse. Let it happen once and if they have a valid emergency let it slide, after that kick them to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I was just curious if we are close in age....I am 36.... Don't be offended; I prefer to let whatever I say stand on its own merits. If I posted a picture or age, that might colour folks' interpretation of my suggestions. If you like what I say and it helps, that's what matters Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Ooppps, I meant to say I am NOT the one banging them in my paragraph. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Moimeme...it actually makes what you say less credible if you are not willing to share your age....if you are 25, then obviously, I will feel like you may not have the experience to be making such bold statements about my situation (i.e. don't call, he will think you are a stalker), but if you were closer to my age and had been through some years of dealing with men...I think in my mind, that would make you more credible..but you do what you want. Groovy....what are you referring to? I don't get it.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 As you wish. Call him a few dozen times. Whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 and replies like that...well....I trust my gut....I'm far from calling like a stalker, but do want him to know I care...but he still needs to figure out what he wants...I am not going to be calling every day and/or approaching him when/if I see him....You don't need to be sarcastic/arrogant... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Oh geeze. Chill. I thought you were rather snarky, yourself with your crack about age. If you don't choose to follow my suggestions, don't. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 snilljente, you're making yourself way too available and desperate for his attention. It human nature to prefer what is a little harder to get.. Link to post Share on other sites
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