moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Try the invitation. This has been yoyoing for a while - time to give it a try and see what he does. Maybe he's not sure what you think and you asking him to join you will bump it up. You just never know but if it were me, I'd give it a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 I just left him a message on his cell saying that my girlfriend and I are going out tommorow night, she's single and I can kind of picture her with his friend that I met a couple of weeks ago and that it would be fun if they wanted to meet up with us.....I'll leave the rest up to him......He told me something weird last night when we were talking on the phone...I asked him about his ex fiance and what she was like (he has asked about my ex husband, so I figured it was ok) and he said she's tall, thin with long blonde hair...just like you...and he chuckled...I wonder if I remind him of her and that's why he is so hesitant but continues to call when I pull away? Maybe I remind him of the heartbreak he went through with her......You must be on the West Coast since you are writing back so fast...otherwise it would be pretty late for you....thanks for your input..... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Yup. British Columbia is just above Washington. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Duh, sorry, I didn't even look until now and it says British Columbia right under your name . I use all of my brain cells at work, he he....So what do you think this guy's deal is? Is he just not that into me or have you met guys who are THIS cautious about getting serious, which I think he knows I want to do, which may have scared him off....I tend to get serious too fast and he may have sensed this.....With all of your wisdome have you met a good guy yet? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 So what do you think this guy's deal is? Is he just not that into me or have you met guys who are THIS cautious about getting serious Yes I have. Some of them who have been burned get very scared about getting burned again. I tend to get serious too fast and he may have sensed this.... Well this is a bad thing and it's wise of him to be cautious. You really have to work on that, you know. .With all of your wisdome have you met a good guy yet? LOL Thanks for that. What I want is a man who is very bright, open-minded, and who loves learning. He also has to be spiritual. There aren't very many of those at all. The hardest of those to find is open-mindedness, I've discovered. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Yes I have. Some of them who have been burned get very scared about getting burned again. Well this is a bad thing and it's wise of him to be cautious. You really have to work on that, you know. LOL Thanks for that. What I want is a man who is very bright, open-minded, and who loves learning. He also has to be spiritual. There aren't very many of those at all. The hardest of those to find is open-mindedness, I've discovered. just out of curiosity, moi, where do you look for men like that? for example, many people meet other people in places like bars. while men in bars can be lovely, not many are very bright, open-minded, and love learning while being spiritual...some may be, but not all. and not likely are all four characteristics at once! so where would you find these men? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 so where would you find these men? Well that's a grand question. And I have absolutely no answer. Once in a very great while, one will cross your path - maybe. I can guarantee it'll not be in a bar but past that, I have no advice. Maybe someone else does. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 hmmmmm.... that's kind of depressing when you think about it...those attributes really shouldn't be all that difficult to find in a person. how sad it is that they are. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 those attributes really shouldn't be all that difficult to find in a person. Yeah. That's what I used to think. Now I'm 'wise' Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Yeah. That's what I used to think. Now I'm 'wise' yeah...enlightened to the stupidity of others. sometimes i wonder why i am alive. sorry, i'm a bit down today, and my faith in humanity is just plummeting, as if it actually ever existed. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 I figure humans are a big bunch of mostly messed-up sorts. Few are truly rotten and some are truly good and most are somewhere in between. It is what it is is all. Life is still beautiful for all that. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I figure humans are a big bunch of mostly messed-up sorts. Few are truly rotten and some are truly good and most are somewhere in between. It is what it is is all. Life is still beautiful for all that. may i use that in the quotes that go under my posts?...i really like it. i'll give you the credit, of course... Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 He's Just Not That Into You. He would never do these things if he was. I'd recommend you read the book so you can recognize the guys who are into you. There are many dysfunctional, punitive male behaviors. The important thing for you is to know how to recognize them and weed out those guys. If you want to know, he might have been ambivalent about you. Males will still make or accept dates with women about whom they have serious reservations for a variety of idiotic reasons. For the ego boost, because they think they can possibly get sex, because they lack the courage and social skills to end the conversation another way and are too psychopathic to care about the consequences. He might be panicking. He might be an addict. He might be punishing you because he has issues with females, linked to "mommy issues." He might be using you as a back up date in case he needs one. Those are the basic reasons. Obviously this behavior is inexcusable and tacky in the extreme. Just read the book and look for the good guys. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 may i use that in the quotes that go under my posts?...i really like it. i'll give you the credit, of course... Oh sure! Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Oh sure! Thanks thankyou, it's just so true.... Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Thanks Hawaii.....He called this morning in response to my message last night mentioning that me and a girlfriend would be out if he and his friend wanted to join us....I asked about the dinner date that he had brought up a couple days ago....he said, well, I was thinking about tonight, but my sister might be coming into town...I said, well, were you going to ask me if tonight was ok with me...I mean everything is always on your terms...about you....he said, don't start...I told him that i have to go...I am not going to call him, but I can guarantee that he will continue to call....so Hawaii and Moimeme..you guys have two differing opinions about the root of this type of behavior.....I want to give him a chance if he is just scared, because I have been there, but if he's not that into me then I need to decifer this as well......nobody wants to feel like they are getting crumbs of someone's attention...... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 Was he going to join you and your gf? I said, well, were you going to ask me if tonight was ok with me...I mean everything is always on your terms...about you... Um. Not really the best way to discuss the situation with him. You first invite him out and then attack him. Don't be surprised if he quits calling if this is the sort of interaction you have. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 We are talking about two different situations...he asked me out (well, said that he was thinking we should go out to dinner one night this week....) You suggested I remind him about dinner since he hadn't said anything since the initial conversation...I brought it up and said when were you thinking you wanted to have dinner....well, he said, well, I was thinking about tonight, but my sister might be coming into town....but I am not sure yet and I just said, well, were you going to ask me? Everything is always on your terms.......Probably not the BEST thing to do, but does everything have to be about HIM? I mean, I have feelings to...there are very simple ways that people work around these situations..i.e. we have dinner with his sister and her boyfriend...with him, I am always waiting for him to let me know what works for him......relationships don't work that way.....both people's feelings have to be considered.....that's never the case...it's all about him and everything is on his terms.....there are VERY SIMPLE ways to integrate someone into your life if you want to and he makes everything so difficuilt.....the other situation was me inviting him and his buddy out with me and a friend tonight....I haven't heard back from him, so I have no idea if they are going to join us...the dinner thing was just going to be him and I....... Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 I just now called him (since this morning I had to end our call to tend to my two puppies and said I would talk to him later) and left him a message saying that I am not angry and was not angry this morning, just frustrated that two people who enjoy each other's company can't do just that....enjoy each other's company without so many obstacles being put in the way...I wished him a good visit with his sister if she shows up and a great Easter....no hard feelings. I mean if the man has that hard a time just making a date with me, can this really go anywhere....he must just not really care...I mean, it's just not as complicated as he is making it......life is too short for such unnecessary drama....two people who want to see each other see each other...all of the other details of life like who is coming into town, etc....get worked out...not with him...with him, there is ALWAYS an excuse and I don't understand why, if that is the case, he keeps calling me......Go figure! I just don't get it!! Help!! Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 So, here's the deal....I never heard back from him in response to my previous message....I went out with my girlfriend and ran into his buddy....I told him that E and I were supposed to have dinner but that his sister might be coming into town..he said, oh, he had heard from E and he and another guy are planning on meeting me hear.....E never showed up...but as his buddy got more and more "relaxed" after a couple of drinks, he began to tell me that "don't you see what is going on here...E doesn't want a girlfriend..he is just using you as his Sun through Thurs person and then on the weekends he goes out and picks up chicks....wants to do his own thing...he said that I should put an end to it that E is a mess and is a very up and down person....So, I am totally bummed all night...and proceed to get very drunk...my girlfriend is the sober driver...so she offer this guy's buddy and a friend a ride home......This guys doesn't want to go home because he temporarily lives with mom and dad..so I say you can crash at my place, but make it clear that there will be no sex..... I get a call from E last night and he leaves a message......"I am sorry I couldn't make it the other night, but I really don't appreciate you having sex with my friend...do me a favor and when you are at the gym, don't talk to me...pretend we never met....have a nice life".... I called back and said that we did not have sex...he just crashed here as he was intoxicated and didn't want to go home in that state......I said that I don't feel like I can do any right with you....and you are always putting up so many obstacles to us just spending time together...i.e. your sister is coming into town...but then she doesn't and I don't hear a word from you and find out from your buddy that you are out with another buddy...I said that he gives me crumbs and expects me to hang on.....I understand being "cautious" as he says he is to justify his behavior, but at some point you have to give someone a chance...I explained that I tried to be patient and had waited six months for him to ask me out when we were just friends and he was dating someone else and that I had never done this before.....that I really cared about him, but he showed me no hope, just crumbs and that the continuous rejection was killing any chance of us evolving...I told him not to worry about seeing me at the gym, that I will go somewhere else to work out because seeing him will be to hard......I told him that I was falling in love with him.....which is something I don't do everyday...and it is very sad that he never gave it a real chance and is now accusing me of having sex with his friend which is not the type of person that I am, had he just given himself a chance to get to know me.....I am heartbroken.....he has not responded..... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 So you believed his friend? Same friend that then lied to his supposed friend and told him you had sex with him? Maybe you need to take a break from humans altogether until you sort out what and whom to believe. I never *ever* believe what someone says about someone else without other proof. You wouldn't want lies believed of you, now would you? Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Therein lies the problem.....there has been tons of proof that E was just using me as his during the week girl (see previous posts)...We had been friends since Sept...during which time I had asked him out, invited him along to several things...for which he always had an excuse......but he continued to call...on our first date...a girl walks up to him and kisses him on the lips......this was the girl that he had been dating for the past six months and the real reason he couldn't spend time with me/had said no to my advances...Despite our rocky first date...I gave him many other chances......every weekend he either disappeared or was "busy"........but he would tell me later what he had done and many times they were activities that he could have invited me along to.....I kept up the hope because he said that his behavior was because he was "cautious".....I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over......he continued to give me crumbs.......and excuses........and then Thursday night, his friend is like "don't you see what is going on here, it is so obvious"...and this supported everything I had seen by E and what all my friends and family had been trying to tell me....so I did believe his friend.....yes, that was likely a mistake...but at what point does this guy need to actually show me that he cares a little and give me some hope that my actions/patience is not in vain...I too have been hurt...I am divorced...I understand betrayal, abandonment...and I am the most loyal, honest person when in a relationship and would have moved mountains for this guy had he just given me the chance...but I NEVER felt like he did.....everything was about his comfort level, his timing and time and time when I would tell him how his actions (i.e. not calling me back for days or saying he would call/we would do something and we didn't) made me feel, he continued as if I didn't matter.....I have no idea why his friend would say we had sex......I think maybe he is just assuming this...yes, I need a break...I wouldn't mind going to sleep and never waking up the way I feel right now....All I ever wanted was a real chance to show this guy that I cared and that despite what happened with his ex, he could be happy/in love again....He never gave me that chance and now is accusing me of being some horrible person.....what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 My exBF was diagnosed ADD (I don't know if he had HD). We had this see saw that you are describing snill, but his ADD manifested itself in escalating drug and alcohol abuse. I literally got on my knees and begged him to get help, to get back on his medication and get proper treatment. He did get back on his meds, but was sporadic taking them and by then was a full blown alcoholic. Anyways...I understand above all being empathetic and trying to understand someone's disorder, I worked with SPMI patients at a mental hospital in my undergrad years. But, it is HARD to be with a person who has ADD and is unwilling to address it. For me, the emotional rolllercoaster was heart wrenching. I got pregnant by my ex, he was inconsiderate, made my pregnancy so difficult that my midwife even suggested that I miscarried because of the stress....all in all it's just not worth it, IMO. It's ridiculous to have to have special training and do research just to understand the person you are romantically interested in. There are plenty of men who won't do this out there. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Thanks Blind Otter....Yes, it is truly maddening..I think what has been most frustrating for me is that he has made very SIMPLE things (whether you are cautious or not) very complicated......and then when I have reacted by becoming frustrated/angry..he has joked that I am crazy....almost as if he does not see that his own behavior plays any part in how complicated things have become.....If two people are super capatible....and enjoy each others' company..how complicated does it need to be....you spend time togerher...if you enjoy it, you spend more time together and time tells where things are meant to go......he never let this happen naturally..a.ny time anything would go well, he would (in my opinion) sabotage it by being unreliable or blowing me off and then I would get mad, he would say I was over reacting and we would be back to point A again......like he didn't want it to progress or what scared of what things could have evolved into. But he was with his ex for 6 years, so he is CAPABLE of having a relationship....so is it ME and I just don't see it.....Do I stick with changing gyms so I don't see him or do I hold my head up high and continue to go to the same gym and just be cordial showing him that I am a good, decent person and reminding him of what he has thrown away......???? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 almost as if he does not see that his own behavior plays any part in how complicated things have become..... Again, that's classic AD/HD. They don't get what effects their behaviour has on others. so is it ME and I just don't see it I suspect you're just a bad combination. Time to move on, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts