Found hair in bed which isn't mine - Did he cheat?

[Standard-Fare]

At this point it's obvious you'll continue snooping to track your boyfriend's potential travel plans. (And even though that might be "wrong," I understand why you'd do it.)

 

It seems like if he actually booked something, you'd be able to find enough evidence on the Web to confirm that. If it reaches that point, I think you should step in and say something so he knows you're onto him. Like, "I was searching the Web and all this stuff came popping up about traveling from Barcelona to Milan. Do you have any plans like that?"

 

If he does, it will be hard for him to flat-out lie to your face about it. And if he did have the gall to lie and go forward with a trip, you could take other measures to try to catch him in his lie.

[labayer]

At this point it's obvious you'll continue snooping to track your boyfriend's potential travel plans. (And even though that might be "wrong," I understand why you'd do it.)

 

It seems like if he actually booked something, you'd be able to find enough evidence on the Web to confirm that. If it reaches that point, I think you should step in and say something so he knows you're onto him. Like, "I was searching the Web and all this stuff came popping up about traveling from Barcelona to Milan. Do you have any plans like that?"

 

The problem is, I maybe wouldn't be able to see it if he really books it. He works for an airline company and they have an intranet (to which I don't have access obviously), so if goes I'm sure he would book the flight over the intranet and I wouldn't see an evidence. Maybe he looked for train connections for his ex, because his flight would be to BCN (the only European country where he holds a visa) and she could come meet him there. That's why I'm thinking if I should really wait so long to confront him about it..

[Standard-Fare]

The problem is, I maybe wouldn't be able to see it if he really books it. He works for an airline company and they have an intranet (to which I don't have access obviously), so if goes I'm sure he would book the flight over the intranet and I wouldn't see an evidence. Maybe he looked for train connections for his ex, because his flight would be to BCN (the only European country where he holds a visa) and she could come meet him there. That's why I'm thinking if I should really wait so long to confront him about it..

 

Yeah. If it were me, I'd continue watching this for a few more days and if I felt fairly certain something was going on, I'd say something.

 

But your end goal here shouldn't be to interfere "in time" to prevent him from making these plans. Because the timing of all this is not the real issue here, is it? It's the fact that he would WANT to make the plans in the first place, and that he would do so without having an honest conversation with you. (That's assuming he's guilty, of course.)

[sm2281]

Didnt read the article, just the title.

 

Answer judging by just the title - yes. Sorry.

 

Dump him.

[martaldn]

Didnt read the article, just the title.

 

Answer judging by just the title - yes. Sorry.

 

Dump him.

 

Whatever...

[labayer]

Yeah. If it were me, I'd continue watching this for a few more days and if I felt fairly certain something was going on, I'd say something.

 

But your end goal here shouldn't be to interfere "in time" to prevent him from making these plans. Because the timing of all this is not the real issue here, is it? It's the fact that he would WANT to make the plans in the first place, and that he would do so without having an honest conversation with you. (That's assuming he's guilty, of course.)

 

 

Maybe I'll manage to wait a few more days until I confront him- But I won't be able to wait til I'm already gone for Xmas (in 11 days) I think. This is consuming me. I slept so bad last night because I couldn't stop thinking about it. When he's around me I cannot think of anything else.

 

The question is if there will be more evidence or not. If he just books his flight via his intranet I won't ever know. God, I just cannot imagine any other reason why he would google how to get there (or for her to get to BCN so she can meet him) and take actual time to visit several travel sites if he wasn't actually planning to meet her. A couple of days ago everything was fine and I really thought I trust him... after seeing this, I really don't know anymore. And he's acting normal as usual, telling me every day that he loves me and planning the future with me.

[d0nnivain]

You have to talk to HIM. That is the only way you will resolve anything.

 

N.B. breaking up is a resolution; not the one you want but a resolution nonetheless.

[Molly Hooper]

I read the OP and skimmed through the other pages, so I may be addressing some older points of discussion.

 

Based on what you said, I don't think the two hairs you found mean anything. I have never seen a foreign hair in my bed, but I really do think it could have been carried from his parents' on his shirt and then to bed. Or alternatively, it could be the maid's. I think if someone were there are something happened, a girl with long hair would leave more evidence (especially if there were some physical activity involved). It probably wouldn't be a single hair in the bed and one in the laundry room.

 

The interaction with the ex sounded appropriate. Even the sign off was "a hug" - not "love" or xoxo, etc. "A hug" sounds comforting and it doesn't sound like he is flirting - just displaying a general concern for her well being. That is more than okay.

 

The main thing I am concerned about is the trip. I DO think that sounds fishy. I would actually understand if he had done a couple searches on how to get there on the day he emailed her about her accident. People get curious and start thinking about unrealistic things... but the fact that he has googled and researched it various times on different days actually is concerning - especially with you leaving town.

 

Would you be able to know if he were out of town/the country while you are away? I assume no matter what, your phones will ring internationally - but is there another way to tell? Since he seems to always be very open with you using his phone or laptop, can you just say you started googling something on his computer and it started to autopopulate with a previous search he made? You can the just ask him why he was googling it and see what he has to say about it.

 

Is that a possibility?

[labayer]

 

The main thing I am concerned about is the trip. I DO think that sounds fishy. I would actually understand if he had done a couple searches on how to get there on the day he emailed her about her accident. People get curious and start thinking about unrealistic things... but the fact that he has googled and researched it various times on different days actually is concerning - especially with you leaving town.

 

Would you be able to know if he were out of town/the country while you are away? I assume no matter what, your phones will ring internationally - but is there another way to tell? Since he seems to always be very open with you using his phone or laptop, can you just say you started googling something on his computer and it started to autopopulate with a previous search he made? You can the just ask him why he was googling it and see what he has to say about it.

 

Is that a possibility?

 

 

He didn't google how to get there on several days, just on one, but NOT the day he found out she had an accident. He googled it three days later, which really concerns me. I'm sure he called her as well because in the email he said he wanted to call but that it's probably too late now at night. I found an email from Skype in his mailbox the next day, he bought Skype credit, which he never did before.

 

That's the problem- I'm not sure if I'd be able to know if he was out of town when I'm gone. I'm sure if he goes, he would even make up an excuse to his mom, like saying he's going for a 2-3 days trip with a friend somewhere. If I called him at our apartment and he doesn't answer, he could make up the same excuse to me- That he's on some trip with a friend. I start thinking that it's kinda impossible for me to know if he went for the trip to meet her or not. I also don't think he would google much more because the only thing he'd have to do is buy his flight over the intranet (to which I don't have access) and tell his ex (via Whatsapp or whatever) to meet him in Spain.

 

I'm so lost and don't know what to do. If he wants to be with her, why isn't he? Of course it would hurt if he broke up with me for her, but I would prefer that a million times over him sneaking around with her. I feel like my trust in him is really hurt since I saw these things. And I did trust him before, I did.

[SycamoreCircle]

"And I did trust him, I did."

 

I don't buy this. He broke up with you. That is a breach of trust. This is a snowball building in size. I think it's time you have a talk with him, for better or worse.

 

I also find it strange that he's in touch with an ex that he cheated(or emotionally cheated) on. It says something about her and something about him.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I think the fact that you began a relationship with a man still involved with another woman is coming to a head. The past may be our only indication of the future.

[Standard-Fare]

If this is truly eating up you up inside and you can't function normally in your relationship anymore, maybe you need to address this now.

 

As I mentioned earlier, the risks you face are: 1) jumping the gun on this before he's actually done something "wrong," which could make this conflict explode prematurely, and 2) encouraging him to retreat into secrecy/deception, i.e. if he does go on this trip, he will now MAKE SURE you don't know about it.

 

But if you actually think 2 is a real possibility, obviously there are bigger issues with trust in your relationship, and this needs to come to a head.

 

If you do confront him, make sure to come at with an open mind and give him the benefit of the doubt/opportunity to explain himself, rather than pinning him as already guilty.

[Rainbowlove]

The bigger problem here is the lack of trust.

 

You don't trust him at all. How can you have a relationship with someone with so little trust? You can't.

 

All the snooping around, all the suspicion, all the questions. Be upfront, woman.

 

If you think he's cheating or is going to cheat, call him out on it. Don't snoop around looking for evidence. Communicate your feelings and fears and why you feel the way you do. You either work it out and trust him and move on or you don't and end the relationship.

[labayer]

I think I did trust him. Yes, he broke up with me before, but after getting back together he seemed (and still seems) so much in love with me, more than ever before. And he finally made a commitment to me, like moving in with me, asking me to buy a house together and talking about kids, things he has never done before. I then trusted him.

 

But now... I dunno. And I dunno if I can rebuild that trust. I'll probably confront him later today, but even if he can explain it I dunno yet if I will believe him, which is bad. I guess I'll find that out later.

[CarrieT]

And he finally made a commitment to me, like moving in with me, asking me to buy a house together and talking about kids, things he has never done before. I then trusted him.

But no proposal or discussion of marriage?

[labayer]

No proposal. We talked about marriage a while ago and I told him that it is important to me. That I don't have to get married right away but that this is something I want for the future. He said he doesn't really need to get married because for him it it's just a piece of paper and he's already committed to me. But if I want to get married we can get married. I know, not exactly what I've hoped for but I guess I cannot force him to be into marriage.

[martaldn]

OP did you talk to him then?

[labayer]

OP did you talk to him then?

 

Yes... I talked to him this morning because I really felt like I had to. He didn't seem surprised or anything, he directly told me that the only family his ex has (in Europe) is in Barcelona and that her injuries will need a month to heal, so she wants to go to BCN to be with some family members for Xmas at least, so he tried to find options online how she could get to Barcelona with the least effort. He also directly admitted he called her but didn't seem anything wrong about that because she's injured and he cares for her.

 

If he really lied he's a damn good liar. To me it sounded absolutely true. He also said that of course he isn't going to visit her.

[MuddyRock]

It's still not healthy for your relationship for him to be this friendly with an ex. He shouldn't be doing those things for her, her family should. He is on the edge of an emotional affair here.

[Molly Hooper]

Yes... I talked to him this morning because I really felt like I had to. He didn't seem surprised or anything, he directly told me that the only family his ex has (in Europe) is in Barcelona and that her injuries will need a month to heal, so she wants to go to BCN to be with some family members for Xmas at least, so he tried to find options online how she could get to Barcelona with the least effort. He also directly admitted he called her but didn't seem anything wrong about that because she's injured and he cares for her.

 

If he really lied he's a damn good liar. To me it sounded absolutely true. He also said that of course he isn't going to visit her.

 

Don't you feel so much better now?

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like a pretty good explanation.

 

However, as another poster mentioned, he shouldn't be the one arranging her travel plans. That's going too far. He can't be playing the role of her support system.

 

Did you guys talk at all about that aspect of things?

[martaldn]

Yes... I talked to him this morning because I really felt like I had to. He didn't seem surprised or anything, he directly told me that the only family his ex has (in Europe) is in Barcelona and that her injuries will need a month to heal, so she wants to go to BCN to be with some family members for Xmas at least, so he tried to find options online how she could get to Barcelona with the least effort. He also directly admitted he called her but didn't seem anything wrong about that because she's injured and he cares for her.

 

If he really lied he's a damn good liar. To me it sounded absolutely true. He also said that of course he isn't going to visit her.

 

Least effort for a injuried person to go to Barcelona from Milan is defo not the train. The flight from M is probably 1 hour and costs nothing. Train in Italy are **** and expensive... ( I'm Italian ) plus I'm pretty sure there is not a direct train from Milan but I might be wrong on this., if there is it would probably take a day!

I'm not sure what to think to be honest.but definitely the train option is something I wouldn't consider if I'm not well and I need to travel.

[Molly Hooper]

Least effort for a injuried person to go to Barcelona from Milan is defo not the train. The flight from M is probably 1 hour and costs nothing. Train in Italy are **** and expensive... ( I'm Italian ) plus I'm pretty sure there is not a direct train from Milan but I might be wrong on this., if there is it would probably take a day!

I'm not sure what to think to be honest.but definitely the train option is something I wouldn't consider if I'm not well and I need to travel.

 

He might not know that though. I wouldn't know that. And I wouldn't think that a train is any more/less difficult than jumping on a plane.

 

And if he were actually lying - if those were his hypothetical travel plans, he would go for the cheapest option as well, I'm sure.

[martaldn]

He might not know that though. I wouldn't know that. And I wouldn't think that a train is any more/less difficult than jumping on a plane.

 

And if he were actually lying - if those were his hypothetical travel plans, he would go for the cheapest option as well, I'm sure.

 

That is also true but if she lives there she should know...

OP have u considered to ask your bf to cut contact with her explaining him that u don't feel ok with it?

[Molly Hooper]

That is also true but if she lives there she should know...

 

I don't think I was under the impression he had even told the ex he was researching it for her. He may have just checked it out to see if it was even possible before presenting her with options.

 

Doesn't mean he SHOULD be doing it though.

[oldshirt]

No proposal. We talked about marriage a while ago and I told him that it is important to me. That I don't have to get married right away but that this is something I want for the future. He said he doesn't really need to get married because for him it it's just a piece of paper and he's already committed to me. But if I want to get married we can get married. I know, not exactly what I've hoped for but I guess I cannot force him to be into marriage.

 

This is your real issue.

 

You two have differing values and philosophies on marriage and family and commitment.

 

You are looking at cohabitating as a stepping stone and audition for marriage and harth and family and he is looking at it as splitting the payments and bills and having easy access to sex.

 

He has told you where he stands on marriage and where you fit in. Please believe him!!!!!

 

There is a very real possibility that you are just a place-holder and bed-warmer to share the living expenses until he meets "the one." There is a chance that he will keep you around until he does go head-over-heels for someone and then his only cost in getting rid of you is dealing with selling the house and settling the mortgage and the equity.

 

Men who want to commit - do. The ones who don't come up with little songs and dances like, "it's just a piece of paper. Here co-sign this house loan so you can help me pay the mortgage and the bills..."