Found hair in bed which isn't mine - Did he cheat?

[elaine567]

He maybe just Googled the train journey in case he had to get there in a hurry. She had an accident and maybe he considered she may be dying or would get very ill and he would want to be there for her.

Or maybe someone else close to her, asked him for that info because they wanted to visit her.

 

Too many uncertainties there, to make any case for him cheating on you.

[labayer]

I think you should talk sooner rather than later. His reaction should tell you all you need to know about what if anything he's hiding. If you honestly think he's the type who will simply do a better job covering his tracks if you discuss this now without more hard evidence, why do you even want to be with him if you have so little trust?

 

The fact that he reached out to a sick EX makes him a nice person. The man who is now my husband supported me when I cried my eyes out & mourned after my EX died. Just because your guy wishes his EX weren't sick & he feels compassion for her current plight does not automatically mean he wants her back.

 

 

I don't say he's a person who would actually just hide the evidence better, but who knows? As I said, I also trusted my ex-boyfriend a lot and later I found out he cheated on me several times. I just don't wanna be blinde to these things again.

 

If he just reached out to her via email to say that he hopes she feels better soon of course he's a nice person. But that's not the reason why I'm worried now. He also mentioned in the email that he wants to call her. Okay, I don't like it, but you could still say 'Maybe he just wants to be nice'. But googling how to get to Milan?!

[labayer]

He maybe just Googled the train journey in case he had to get there in a hurry. She had an accident and maybe he considered she may be dying or would get very ill and he would want to be there for her.

Or maybe someone else close to her, asked him for that info because they wanted to visit her.

 

Too many uncertainties there, to make any case for him cheating on you.

 

 

 

No, it wasn't a bad accident, she just fell with her bicycle and hit her head- Only spent one night in the hospital. How I know that? She posted it on Twitter yesterday. Yep, I stalked her a little.

[Standard-Fare]

Keep in mind you wouldn't have knowledge/suspicion about any of these things involving the ex had you not found that one (completely unrelated) stray hair that prompted a full-on investigation. I say this to emphasize that you're in state of "high alert," in which you're possibly overanalyzing things and being oversensitive.

 

The details you've uncovered recently about the ex are slightly troubling, but they're not cause for full-out panic. For now you should hang back and give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. If other suspicious things happen in the future, you might have more justification for concern. (For example, if he did go to Milan, I'm sure he wouldn't be able to hide that from you successfully... and that would indeed be a big deal that you two would need to confront.)

[mrs rubble]

I agree with the standard-fare, this all came about over two hairs!

I bet those hairs were transferred via a hug with his mother or even off your own shirt, do any of the friends you spent the weekend with have long dark hair? Did you hug them goodbye?

Hair transfer happens like this all the time, I found one of mine hanging off my 16yo earlier.

[labayer]

Now I think I might have overreacted a bit to the hair I found.

BUT because of that, I found something that might be worse. I still cannot stop wondering if he really is planning to visit his ex in Milan. I mean, why would he google how to get there by train from Barcelona (again, Spain is the only country in Europe where he currently holds a visa for) if he wasn't planning to see her?

[Standard-Fare]

His Google search about the train might have been a moment of private pondering of a totally unrealistic scenario, just like someone might type in "Buy a yacht." For that one moment he was concerned about her well-being and contemplating the possibility of visiting her in the hospital. It doesn't mean anything more than that. It might not even mean THAT. Maybe he was looking up that info on behalf of a friend or something.

 

But you're getting yourself into a dangerous territory where you're trying to interpret all of his private thoughts and motives ... because you're seeing things online you shouldn't be seeing.

 

I think if there are serious transgressions (i.e. he actually plans a trip to see her), you will definitely catch wind of them, and you wouldn't have to spy on him to do so. It will be obvious.

[labayer]

His Google search about the train might have been a moment of private pondering of a totally unrealistic scenario, just like someone might type in "Buy a yacht." For that one moment he was concerned about her well-being and contemplating the possibility of visiting her in the hospital. It doesn't mean anything more than that. It might not even mean THAT. Maybe he was looking up that info on behalf of a friend or something.

 

But you're getting yourself into a dangerous territory where you're trying to interpret all of his private thoughts and motives ... because you're seeing things online you shouldn't be seeing.

 

I think if there are serious transgressions (i.e. he actually plans a trip to see her), you will definitely catch wind of them, and you wouldn't have to spy on him to do so. It will be obvious.

 

 

I do hope you're right. It's just so hard to understand why he would even consider to travel half the world to see her and he didn't just google once, he tried with like 5 different searches, as if he really wanted to find out how to get there. It's also just so hard to understand because I would never do that. Not even google it. There is an ex I'm on good terms with (we talk once in a while, maybe 1-2x per year) and if I heard that he was in the hospital I would probably also write him a get well message, but I wouldn't call him and I wouldn't even consider to visit him, especially if I knew that he's still in love with me. I feel like a step like this, traveling half the world, means that you still have feelings for that person.

 

Maybe I'm also worried because this is not the first time this girl is bothering me. Okay, he left her for me and he turned her down again a couple of months ago, but does that really mean he doesn't love her anymore? During our relationship I've seen them texting sometimes. Not in the last few months, but before that. I didn't read what they talked about, but I saw her name popping up on his phone several times.

Also, I'm not sure about it, but I think he hooked up with her when we were broken up a few months. I saw pics of her on his computer (when we were together on his computer and he was looking for a picture) from the time we were broken up, him with her and her alone. I asked him and he didn't seem to want to talk about it, but when I wanted to check again a day later they were all deleted. I then asked him what's going on with her and he said nothing. He said that I'm the one he loves and not her. And that I'm the only one he wants to be with. I believed him, but now I'm not so sure anymore..

[jackslife]

I do wonder if you should address your own insecurity issues. You found no proof on here - and trust me cheating behaviour pointed out very quickly on this site - then you found an email hoping an ex girlfriend who lives in another country gets well soon. You have now turned this into a big worry.

 

Why don't you talk to him? Seriously, how can you consider living and I assume subsequently marrying and then having children with this man, if you don't tell him your concerns regarding his texting and contacting an ex.

 

You'll drive yourself mad and ultimately him away if you don't take a deep breath.

 

Talk to him!

[labayer]

I do wonder if you should address your own insecurity issues. You found no proof on here - and trust me cheating behaviour pointed out very quickly on this site - then you found an email hoping an ex girlfriend who lives in another country gets well soon. You have now turned this into a big worry.

 

If it was just an email telling her to get well soon, I wouldn't worry. The reason why I worry is that he then googled several results how to get to the city she lives. Looks like he is considering to visit her without telling me. And read my last post, it's not the first time this girl worries me.

 

 

Why don't you talk to him? Seriously, how can you consider living and I assume subsequently marrying and then having children with this man, if you don't tell him your concerns regarding his texting and contacting an ex.

 

 

I did, a few weeks ago when I saw pics of her on his computer (which he directly deleted afterwards). He said I shouldn't worry because it's nothing and he only loves me and wants to be with me. But then why would he consider to visit her? And again, it's not the first time she worries me. Apparently they hooked up again when him and I were broken up for a few months (see my last post). Plus, she's moving back here next summer, which worries me as well.

[KatZee]

You said you have a cleaning lady who comes once a week and who has long dark hair.

 

You found 1 in the bed: cleaning lady changing sheets/making the bed

 

You found 1 in the laundry: does she do the laundry?

 

My ex had a cleaning lady and she did both of those tasks. Both hairs you found were found in high traffic cleaning zones.

 

I think bc of the hairs now you're being hyper aware and kind of paranoid with everything you see now.

 

I'm not sure if he HAS cheated. I don't see enough evidence of that but I think his ex is bad news. Even if he only wants to be with you, she's an obvious meddler who clearly still wants him and doesn't seem to care much about you or the relationship he has with you. I think he needs to cut her out, completely and permanently.

[Standard-Fare]

OK, well, you keep adding new details about this ex... and yeah, some of them do sound a little troublesome. It's something you should pay attention to, but you're obviously already doing that.

 

Maybe the feelings between those two haven't completely died off in the way that you'd prefer. But it's a very good sign that your BF has repeatedly chosen you over her when called to the task. You can't worry too much about their lingering threads unless/until it starts specifically affecting your relationship with your BF.

[labayer]

You said you have a cleaning lady who comes once a week and who has long dark hair.

 

You found 1 in the bed: cleaning lady changing sheets/making the bed

 

You found 1 in the laundry: does she do the laundry?

 

She does the laundry, but last time she was here was a week ago, so everything that's now in the laundry she never touched. She always takes everything out and washes it and that's it The new stuff we put in she hasn't touched yet.

 

 

I think he needs to cut her out, completely and permanently.

 

I wish he would but I highly doubt he will. Last time I asked him about her he said they're not much in contact, maximum once per month, maybe less (although I dunno if that's true.. before we broke up I'm sure he talked more to her, because I saw her name so often on his phone). I didn't ask him to cut her out of his life, but he mentioned anyway that 'of course' he will talk to her in the future, but I shouldn't worry.

Edited December 2, 2014 by labayer
typing error

[labayer]

OK, well, you keep adding new details about this ex... and yeah, some of them do sound a little troublesome. It's something you should pay attention to, but you're obviously already doing that.

 

Maybe the feelings between those two haven't completely died off in the way that you'd prefer. But it's a very good sign that your BF has repeatedly chosen you over her when called to the task. You can't worry too much about their lingering threads unless/until it starts specifically affecting your relationship with your BF.

 

 

So I guess you're saying I should let it be for a while and not ask him again about her (and if he's really planning to visit her on the other side of the world)?

I kinda wanna now, but on the other hand I don't wanna nag too much because 1. if it's really nothing it's not good for the relationship and 2. if there is something maybe he will try to hide it better.

[martaldn]

So I guess you're saying I should let it be for a while and not ask him again about her (and if he's really planning to visit her on the other side of the world)?

I kinda wanna now, but on the other hand I don't wanna nag too much because 1. if it's really nothing it's not good for the relationship and 2. if there is something maybe he will try to hide it better.

 

u said you are going to spend Xmas time apart from each other..

do you know how and where is he going to spend this time?

maybe you can talk to him about your plans... and ask him what his plans are going to be and see what he says?

[labayer]

u said you are going to spend Xmas time apart from each other..

do you know how and where is he going to spend this time?

maybe you can talk to him about your plans... and ask him what his plans are going to be and see what he says?

 

 

As far as I know he's not going to do a lot. He says he has to work and in the two weeks that I'm gone he only has off twice for 2 days (or maybe once three if he's lucky). Last year I was also gone for Xmas and he was just here with his parents, who live in the same city.

 

But I'm so so worried.. I checked again today and yesterday he googled many options how to get to his ex city. He even opened several links where you can book flights and train rides. I'm so worried he will use 2-3 days to visit her there.

[Standard-Fare]

Well you could either:

 

A) Call your BF out now, telling him you came across these Google searches accidentally and asking him point-blank if he's hoping to visit Milan and see his ex. The risk in this is that you're probably jumping the gun if this is just a vague thought in his head right now, and also that it would encourage him to be more secretive in the future.

 

B) Wait and see how this develops. Maybe nothing happens, in which case you'll be glad you kept your mouth shut. But let's say it's worst-case scenario and your BF does book travel plans. He'd either have to tell you about those, or he would take great pains/efforts to hide his plans, which would become obvious to you. At that point, of course, a confrontation would be appropriate.

[jackslife]

I think you should have it out with him. Not in an aggressive way.

 

Forget the hair. But visiting the ex - be honest and ask him - why is he looking at plane times etc to his ex's. You can say you are not happy with his behaviour. Visiting his ex is a deal breaker to you and you want him to stop this nonsense. Hopefully once you confront him on it it'll get his head out of his ass and he'll realise his mistake.

 

If he is committed to a relationship with you he shouldn't be flying off to see an ex. This might be immature behaviour on his part, or he may be hankering for the ex. Either way you can nip this in the bud now.

 

If he stays in touch with her or worse goes to see her, you should end the relationship.

[EverySunset]

I'm gonna talk to you like am honest older sister who cares about you in all this.

 

First

1. Have you clearly established boundaries that outlines that visits with ex's are not allowed?

2. Are the consequences for breaking #1 defined?

3. Apart from that, how do you feel about #1 and #2? How would you feel if it happened? Not what would you do... How would you feel.

 

Then

1. If you do not have crystal clear boundaries with him, define them.

2. Decide what you will do if he makes plans with her. Not even goes.., it is generally enough to see that he plans to go cheat. If you find definitive plans for travel to her, then be prepared to treat it as the same as cheating. Do not let the fact that it had not been completed sway you.

3. Be ready to follow through with the consequences from above.

 

If he is going to do this... And you find concrete plans... Know that stopping him before he goes does not mean he isn't cheating on you. It means he was. It doesn't absolve him because you caught him before he could go do dirt.

 

Either way, try to find your center. Balance. Calm. Approach it as solidly as you can... You sound like you are making yourself manic.

[labayer]

Well you could either:

 

A) Call your BF out now, telling him you came across these Google searches accidentally and asking him point-blank if he's hoping to visit Milan and see his ex. The risk in this is that you're probably jumping the gun if this is just a vague thought in his head right now, and also that it would encourage him to be more secretive in the future.

 

B) Wait and see how this develops. Maybe nothing happens, in which case you'll be glad you kept your mouth shut. But let's say it's worst-case scenario and your BF does book travel plans. He'd either have to tell you about those, or he would take great pains/efforts to hide his plans, which would become obvious to you. At that point, of course, a confrontation would be appropriate.

 

 

I'm not sure if would be really THAT hard to hide his plans. I know that there is just one flight per day from here to the place he wants to go. The flight is at around 9.30pm. At that time it will be 3.30am in Europe, where I will be (visiting my parents for Xmas). I would be sleeping, so I wouldn't even know that he took a flight. When I wake up in the morning at let's say 9am, it will be 3am in our country so I wouldn't contact him anyway because I would assume he's sleeping.

The flight takes 10 hours, so he would arrive at 7.30am our time (not European time), then he would be able to contact me and I maybe would just assume he just woke up, without knowing that he's actually in Milan.

[labayer]

I'm gonna talk to you like am honest older sister who cares about you in all this.

 

First

1. Have you clearly established boundaries that outlines that visits with ex's are not allowed?

2. Are the consequences for breaking #1 defined?

3. Apart from that, how do you feel about #1 and #2? How would you feel if it happened? Not what would you do... How would you feel.

 

 

 

1. Yes. I already told him I wouldn't tolerate him meeting up with exes, at least not alone (for example, he has another ex from high school and I know that he sees her once in a while with a bunch of other people who went to high school with him.. I don't really mind)

 

2. No. But he knows I wouldn't tolerate it. For me it would probably be a reason to break up.

 

3. Especially if he did it behind my back it would be a reason to break up. I'm not meeting up with my exes out of respect (well, and also because I don't have any feelings for them anymore) for him and I expect him to do the same.

 

 

 

If he booked that trip, it would be a break up reason for me. I'm just worried that he will maybe do it behind my back and I won't notice.

[elaine567]

I would just keep watching until he ends up booking the train,

If he books say the 20th then you can ask him innocently what he is doing that weekend and gauge his reaction or you could come home just before the flight and have it out with him.

Is it even possible she is visiting him whilst you are away and he is booking her tickets to go home?

You need to be clever here, do not show any cards until you are certain you know what is happening. He will gaslight you and deny if you do not have any real proof.

[labayer]

I would just keep watching until he ends up booking the train,

If he books say the 20th then you can ask him innocently what he is doing that weekend and gauge his reaction or you could come home just before the flight and have it out with him.

Is it even possible she is visiting him whilst you are away and he is booking her tickets to go home?

You need to be clever here, do not show any cards until you are certain you know what is happening. He will gaslight you and deny if you do not have any real proof.

 

But he could book the tickets and I would never know. It's not like I receive a confirmation to my email account :/

And I won't be able to come back before the two weeks are over, because I already booked my flight and it's definitely not cheap.

 

I guess it would also be possible for him to book tickets for her to come home, yes. But that would be really expensive, ticket prices are around 1500 dollars now. And he has a special agreement with an airline so he would pay much less if he were the one visiting her.

[CarrieT]

where I will be (visiting my parents for Xmas).

You are planning on buying a house with this guy; why aren't you spending Christmas together - either with your parents or his?

 

Seriously, if you are planning the type of life together that involves buying a house, you shouldn't be having these doubts about his actions and thoughts.

 

Your relationship should be WAY beyond what it seems to be and you two should be married before the house-thing...

[labayer]

You are planning on buying a house with this guy; why aren't you spending Christmas together - either with your parents or his?

 

Seriously, if you are planning the type of life together that involves buying a house, you shouldn't be having these doubts about his actions and thoughts.

 

Your relationship should be WAY beyond what it seems to be and you two should be married before the house-thing...

 

Xmas: Because it is very important to me to spend Xmas with my family. I live so far away that I only see them twice a year. And I know how sad they would be if I wasn't there for Xmas. He cannot go with me to my country for Xmas because he has to work and he has no visa for it (and applying for a six months tourist visa costs 300$). But I do come back for NYE so we can be together.