She walked out one me after 10 years!

February 11, 2015

As ever Toodles, your replies really helps me to see that there is life after a major break up.

I like you bimbling along (the expression made me smile:-)) I'm sure I've bimbled and it's quite ok and nice to do that.

The charity skittles made me remember about a skittles night I went to at a pub with some drunk friends.They ended up throwing the 'cob' at head height it was so funny but dangerous at the same time. They are nuts but have a real positive outlook to life. Of course they have families and are suppose to be responsible. But hey, some are not happy in their marriage. Even marriage and kids cannot guarentee staying together. Although I know married people who have no kids.

I like your plan to see your ex to see for yourself what he is really like. That will work in your favour. It will be confirmation that you did the right thing in the past. Last time I looked at my ex's fb page she was posting bs stuff lile talking about how important a coffee is in the day. Still has no job but has time to post stuff about coffee and posts other people's photos of places she has been to in Greece but they're not her photos. When I see this I actually think: dreamer.. not living in the real world where people work for a living and do the nitty gritty things like hoovering (something she hardly did).

Well, your recommendation of the Bourne Identity movies means I will have to watch them now. I'll check out your recommendation of Kingsmen too. I've not heard of that film. I quite like Bruno Mars too. Not heard of Script though.

Like your looking forward to the spring which is almost upon us. It will be so nice.

Spending a Sunday morning with a Dyson! At least it's up market I'm just with a Hoover.

Like your suggestion of redecorating. It's something I have considered but I think it's time to move on. I've been there too long too. But it'san option I'll try out as I would have to redecorate before I leave anyway.

Let us know how you get on with the date with the ex of ten years ago.

Ganz :-)

February 13, 2015

Hello Ganz7

I can definitely relate with your pain and frustrations right now. Words would fail you to explain exactly how it hurts to a third party but you have to move on.

Console yourself with the fact that a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. And the fact that she walked out on you after ten years of dating is really a blessing because if you have married her, she might have done that after 15 years or so!

Just a word of advice here:

Do not try to rush into another relationship so fast to get over her. It is always better to get completely healed of the hurts of the past before beginning another one so you don't make a bigger mistake.

Spend this time you have without a girl friend now to train and develop yourself even better for the one to come. John Maxwell said "i have found that every minute spent in preparation saves ten in execution" So spend the next few months into years preparing and training for the ones ahead and you would be sure to performer better in your next relationship.

While it is so despicable that she had another relationship going on for months while still with you, we cant overrule the fact that she "might" have had needs that you weren't meeting. Or you might have unknowingly payed a part in sending her away! This is why i emphasize the importance of being trained and prepared for relationships like this before getting into them headlong.

And lastly, ten years is definitely too long to have kept a woman without taking your relationship to the next level. that alone is more than enough reasons for her to take a walk. if you are not ready to take things seriously with the woman, it is better to stay away completely else you appear to her like an unserious guy no matter what good intentions you have.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, the best in life and a wonderful relationship in the future.

February 13, 2015

As ever Toodles, your replies really helps me to see that there is life after a major break up.

I like you bimbling along (the expression made me smile:-)) I'm sure I've bimbled and it's quite ok and nice to do that.

The charity skittles made me remember about a skittles night I went to at a pub with some drunk friends.They ended up throwing the 'cob' at head height it was so funny but dangerous at the same time. They are nuts but have a real positive outlook to life. Of course they have families and are suppose to be responsible. But hey, some are not happy in their marriage. Even marriage and kids cannot guarentee staying together. Although I know married people who have no kids.

I like your plan to see your ex to see for yourself what he is really like. That will work in your favour. It will be confirmation that you did the right thing in the past. Last time I looked at my ex's fb page she was posting bs stuff lile talking about how important a coffee is in the day. Still has no job but has time to post stuff about coffee and posts other people's photos of places she has been to in Greece but they're not her photos. When I see this I actually think: dreamer.. not living in the real world where people work for a living and do the nitty gritty things like hoovering (something she hardly did).

Well, your recommendation of the Bourne Identity movies means I will have to watch them now. I'll check out your recommendation of Kingsmen too. I've not heard of that film. I quite like Bruno Mars too. Not heard of Script though.

Like your looking forward to the spring which is almost upon us. It will be so nice.

Spending a Sunday morning with a Dyson! At least it's up market I'm just with a Hoover.

Like your suggestion of redecorating. It's something I have considered but I think it's time to move on. I've been there too long too. But it'san option I'll try out as I would have to redecorate before I leave anyway.

Let us know how you get on with the date with the ex of ten years ago.

Ganz :-)

Hi Ganz

Dyson is essential in a house of dogs! Its not a posh one though and I do need to replace it at some point. I keep having to take it apart and clean the filters out and run an airline over it etc to keep it going! Your hoover is probably in far better condition than my tatty old dyson!

Skittles was fun. The separated man I was seeing in the summer was there with his daughter. I picked her up as he was running late. Mind you he ended up getting there before we did! His daughter was funny. She told him that I am her surrogate Mum and when she found out I have a "date" tonight whaoh! "Daaaaaad, she has a date and I don't want her to goooooo!" at the top of her voice! Agh well. I will be seeing him next week so if he has an issue he can talk to me about it then.

As for the date tonight. I don't know if its actually going to happen or not yet! Who knows. Its just to meet a chap and see if he is a nice person or not. I am not expecting anything from it. I have an on line dating profile up (not enjoying it at all but hey ho it keeps my friends quiet). As you can imagine I have not had much success so far so another friend is going to have a go at it this weekend! I really should get some decent up to date pictures at some point. I got Mum to take some so the ones on there are up to date but they are not the best and I am not very photogenic! Better in real life!

I went to a Village Planning meeting in my home village with Mum last night. The 10 yr ex was there. I didn't talk to him much. My mum apologized as she thought it was going to be a "show and tell" rather than a meeting. She doesn't know that I spoke to him last Friday. It was fine. He hasn't rung to arrange meeting but I am not bothered. If the meeting doesn't happen its fine as I have already seen that he is an a-hole so it doesn't matter. I just want to reinforce it in my own mind. The way you have in recognizing your ex is not going to go out and get a job or get off her bum!

There are no guarantees in life. I think people often think marriage and kids are supposed to make a relationship better or cure problems... All it does is add pressure and cause more. I want someone who is going to stick around during the rough patches and work with me to work it out. Anything less is just not worth it in my eyes.

Life is good, its getting better and I am already having a great Friday 13th! Discount on some new car tyres, hug from a random chap, bosses taking the tiddle out of me about my date tonight!

Ganz honey - get her off of your Facebook and stop looking for her. Its not going to help you. You may feel better after decorating. I know I did. Somehow it made the house fresher and cleaner and removed the most recent ex's presence. It really does help.

Have a great weekend and enjoy the Bourne films. They are really good. If you like Bruno Mars you will probably like the Script. They do really up beat stuff that makes you feel good, bit more rock than Bruno but not too much. I think you would enjoy it.

Speak soon

Toodles!

March 3, 2015

Cheers Charles

I hear what you are saying and thanks for the comforting words. I agree to a certain extent but it takes two no matter how thin the slice is. There were things about her that I wasn't happy about and hoped would change but she never did.

A partial regret is that we wasted so many years together when both of us could have found someone else. Of course, I would never have walked out because I would have have to live with any devastation caused and I would have found that hard to live with but then look what happened to me in the end.

When you have only been out with a person for less than a year and they are talking about £20000 weddings that I had to pay for whilst they weren't working.. well, damn right I wasn't rushing into anything. I waited 10 years+ plus years to see a change and more fool me that I waited so long.

In hindsight I should have got rid early but got comfortable but we drifted apart. You know, and I'm sure thousands of us have done the same thing is that I ignored the signs. Maybe I wasn't that bothered? I certainly won't make that mistake of ignoring the signs if I get another chance.

For now I'm not rushing into anything and enjoying my freinds and disposable income!

Ganz

March 3, 2015

Hi Ganz

Dyson is essential in a house of dogs! Its not a posh one though and I do need to replace it at some point. I keep having to take it apart and clean the filters out and run an airline over it etc to keep it going! Your hoover is probably in far better condition than my tatty old dyson!

Skittles was fun. The separated man I was seeing in the summer was there with his daughter. I picked her up as he was running late. Mind you he ended up getting there before we did! His daughter was funny. She told him that I am her surrogate Mum and when she found out I have a "date" tonight whaoh! "Daaaaaad, she has a date and I don't want her to goooooo!" at the top of her voice! Agh well. I will be seeing him next week so if he has an issue he can talk to me about it then.

As for the date tonight. I don't know if its actually going to happen or not yet! Who knows. Its just to meet a chap and see if he is a nice person or not. I am not expecting anything from it. I have an on line dating profile up (not enjoying it at all but hey ho it keeps my friends quiet). As you can imagine I have not had much success so far so another friend is going to have a go at it this weekend! I really should get some decent up to date pictures at some point. I got Mum to take some so the ones on there are up to date but they are not the best and I am not very photogenic! Better in real life!

I went to a Village Planning meeting in my home village with Mum last night. The 10 yr ex was there. I didn't talk to him much. My mum apologized as she thought it was going to be a "show and tell" rather than a meeting. She doesn't know that I spoke to him last Friday. It was fine. He hasn't rung to arrange meeting but I am not bothered. If the meeting doesn't happen its fine as I have already seen that he is an a-hole so it doesn't matter. I just want to reinforce it in my own mind. The way you have in recognizing your ex is not going to go out and get a job or get off her bum!

There are no guarantees in life. I think people often think marriage and kids are supposed to make a relationship better or cure problems... All it does is add pressure and cause more. I want someone who is going to stick around during the rough patches and work with me to work it out. Anything less is just not worth it in my eyes.

Life is good, its getting better and I am already having a great Friday 13th! Discount on some new car tyres, hug from a random chap, bosses taking the tiddle out of me about my date tonight!

Ganz honey - get her off of your Facebook and stop looking for her. Its not going to help you. You may feel better after decorating. I know I did. Somehow it made the house fresher and cleaner and removed the most recent ex's presence. It really does help.

Have a great weekend and enjoy the Bourne films. They are really good. If you like Bruno Mars you will probably like the Script. They do really up beat stuff that makes you feel good, bit more rock than Bruno but not too much. I think you would enjoy it.

Speak soon
Toodles!

Hey Toodles

Missed you for while. I've been under the cosh at work and finish so late in the evening I struggle to catch up on emails et al.

As always, your posts cheer me up no end. Yes, you're right my Hoover, although 10 years old hasn't seen as much action as it should have. Always fancied buying a Dyson but I just can't get my head around the hundred of pounds to buy a hoover but I know they are the dogs (no pun intended).

Sounds like you are enjoying life and that's what it should be like. I'm feeling like that too. Know what you mean about reinforcing the negatives of your ex though it amazes me how I sometimes can just 'forget' that part. Reminding myself snaps me out of that delusional state.

I agree with what you say about having kids is no gaurantee in keeping the relationship happy. In fact, only two out of 7 of my married mates are happy. The rest are not content. At least three of them are really unhappy and talk publicly about being unhappy in the marraige. One of my mates left his wife he was so unhappy and didn't want his young daughter growing up in a house of arguments so took the hit. One of my older mates marriage failed after 23 years after she had met someone else! What a waste eh? Although he does well to cope you can tell he still can't believe what she did even though it happened several years ago. Yes, there are no gaurantees in life.

Agree with what you say about rather be with someone who you know is going to be with you through thick and thin and not only when times are good. I'm beginning to realise that my ex would have left at some point as I reckon she was a gold digger.

Still haven't watched the Bourne movies!! I quite like some of Bruno Mars stuff but don't know whether its their performance that adds to the songs. You know when you watch a video with a track and then listen to the track without the video it doesn't sound as good.

I haven't checked my ex's fb since christmas day (when my niece was checking her out) and I have her blocked from viewing my fb page. Interestingly, I have been posting old holiday snaps, none with her in them, on my fb to friends. Last week I noticed that two of her friends came up as 'add friends' even though I made no friends request and no mutual friends between us. This week.. the ex turned up as an 'add friend'!

It's given me an idea though, to pass the time if I get bored, which I seldom do, is to post some more photos but photoshop her out the photos! It would entertain me that she would feel enraged if nothing else. He he!

Happy to say though I am moving on though. Being honest I did have a 'relapse' last week and wanted to send that 'email' but reminded myself of how she betrayed me and used me in the end got me back on track. Also I thought it would be a waste of time. She wouldn't read it anyway.

Recently, I been sleeping over at the old place but other than trying to decorate it as you say, I can't see it being my future place. Too many associations and it doesn't feel like home anymore.

I believe in karma and know that one day what happened to me will happen to her or someone close to her. Being dumped and cheated on after so long is certainly one of the life's worst experiences. But you know there is life after that. I've not had many long term relationships so it's all new to me.

Got a busy week. I'm working on Saturday afternoon then my aunties birthday this Saturday evening then a village pub quiz later in teh evening with some friends. Also trying to squeeze in some work with my 'track' car. Need to assemble it in the next month (impossible). Going to London next week to see some art. It's 'full on'.

Have a great week. Speak soon, i.e Sunday

Ganz

Edited March 3, 2015 by Ganz7

March 9, 2015

Hey Ganz

Well I have been on a couple of dates... Its not going anywhere I don't think but hey ho never mind.

Sister in law is due to drop soon. So I am looking forward to meeting my neice when she arrives! Best friend is getting nearer the twins arriving too so I have decided to quit trying to find love and get my backside back on the rowing machine and concentrate on giving up the cigarettes so I can save again.

It all got pretty mad to be honest. In under a week I managed to get flashed at by a dwarf and asked out by a vicar and I just sat and thought - who else does this actually happen to? Why is it always me??? I know it makes for a humorous story but really???!!!

I am just fed up and tired of it all at the moment. Its like an over load of meeting new people. So I am going to just back off for a bit. Hit the tracks now spring is sprung and we have some day light and get back on the rowing machine. I am also full of cold (really moody as I am also the worlds worst patient and get very annoyed when I am ill) so thats not helping. But it will pass.

Next hoover I get I want to get a Vax. My Grandmother has just got one and oh my goodness its like driving a Harley after a 50cc moped! Its only a tiny little thing she got but clearly size doesn't matter!

You really need to watch those Bourne movies. They are fantastic! I have just got the latest that doesn't have Jason Bourne in, but haven't seen it through yet. Will let you know.

How was London? What art did you go and see? I really should go up there more and have a look around. All very different from my day to day life where a traffic jam consists of a pheasant in the road!

Well I have come over to my parents house in the hope of sympathy and fattening food in their fridge... Going to have to sack them as there is not a fattening/ junk food/ snack item in sight. The fridge is full of salad and the cupboards are equally healthy... Both of them have gone out for the evening... Next time I am off to Grannys... at least she has pots of jelly in her fridge! Just because my brother and I are middle aged doesn't mean that they can stop being our parents now and stop stocking up on goodies...!

The problem with sending "those" emails is that they only ake you look pathetic and the person you send them to doesn't actually care. It just feeds their own validation that they are wonderful... No point to them at all from the other persons perspective. I have a note pad that I wrote letters on. then chucked them all away.

Hope you had a good weekend!

March 18, 2015

Hey Ganz

Been a while since I last read your post. Again, it was good to read your reply post. Really enjoyed your reply so i've quoted you so I can respond to it:

Well I have been on a couple of dates... Its not going anywhere I don't think but hey ho never mind. Know what you mean. I went on a date with someone but it was kind of forced and to be truthful I didn't enjoy it. Mind you it was only a few weeks after the break up so I was rebounding like a good 'un!

Sister in law is due to drop soon. So I am looking forward to meeting my neice when she arrives! Best friend is getting nearer the twins arriving too so I have decided to quit trying to find love and get my backside back on the rowing machine and concentrate on giving up the cigarettes so I can save again. Yeah, give up the ciggies. Apart from costing a shed load of money they're no good for your health. I gave them up overnight when I was 30. I was doing a lot of cycling at the time and lighting up a fag just didn't feel right for my body so I quit. After 12 months I tried smoking ocassionaly but it never felt the same and I always ended up coughing a lot in the morning as well as smelling of cigarette smoke.

It all got pretty mad to be honest. In under a week I managed to get flashed at by a dwarf and asked out by a vicar and I just sat and thought - who else does this actually happen to? Why is it always me??? I know it makes for a humorous story but really???!!! It's God's plan! Don't ask but God moves in mysterious ways!!

I am just fed up and tired of it all at the moment. Its like an over load of meeting new people. So I am going to just back off for a bit. Know exactly what you mean here as for the first three months I did the same: going out everynight and meeting new people and catching up with old friends which felt like meeting new people too. You're right, you get overloaded and have to take a breather and make time for yourself. Hit the tracks now spring is sprung and we have some day light and get back on the rowing machine. Isn't it great that it's still light at 6.30pm. Another week or so and the clocks go forward. I am also full of cold (really moody as I am also the worlds worst patient and get very annoyed when I am ill) so thats not helping. But it will pass.

Next hoover I get I want to get a Vax. My Grandmother has just got one and oh my goodness its like driving a Harley after a 50cc moped! Its only a tiny little thing she got but clearly size doesn't matter! If it's like a Harley then it's pretty righteous for a hoover!

You really need to watch those Bourne movies. They are fantastic! I have just got the latest that doesn't have Jason Bourne in, but haven't seen it through yet. Will let you know. Nope, i still haven't seen them but now you have recommended them I can't wait to see them. They're like something to fall back on a weekend when I'm making time for myself.

How was London? What art did you go and see? It was brill. I got there early at 8.30am and wwalked up to Totenham Court Road. Popped into PC World and chatted to some Google chaps about their 'installation' inside the PC world store. Met up with an old flame at 10am and went for morning coffee in the British Library where the cafe was full of arty laptop types. Then we ventured into Bethnal Green and the Whitechapel gallery to see the 'homage ot the black square exhibition. This included Malevich's white and black square art as well as other artists. Spent a good hour there. Then grabbed a bite to eat and ventured to Hoxton square (the art centreof London a few years ago but now not as much) went to see an exhibit on Cork St which had some Gerhard Richter paintings but the gallery was by appointment only on Saturday. We ended up at the Royal Academy for Richard Diebenkorn's exhibition. This didn't include all his works and was a small exhibit but it was still good. Then we ended up at a Italian restaurant with some Bruschetta, Olives, Montepulciano and pasta to end the night. We both went our separate ways and I didn't get back home on the train till gone midnight. I really should go up there more and have a look around. London is a great City with lots of new architecture. I don't really like the old pompous buildings very much. I really should go up there more and have a look around. All very different from my day to day life where a traffic jam consists of a pheasant in the road! Apparently they are quite tasty in a caserole!

Well I have come over to my parents house in the hope of sympathy and fattening food in their fridge... Totally know what you mean here. Lol!! Going to have to sack them as there is not a fattening/ junk food/ snack item in sight. Lol! The fridge is full of salad and the cupboards are equally healthy... Both of them have gone out for the evening... Next time I am off to Grannys... at least she has pots of jelly in her fridge! Just because my brother and I are middle aged doesn't mean that they can stop being our parents now and stop stocking up on goodies...! Lol!! True! My parents stopped cooking for me a few years ago. I couldn't believe it! I boycotted them for a few months to see if they were serious about it and they were!

The problem with sending "those" emails is that they only ake you look pathetic and the person you send them to doesn't actually care. It just feeds their own validation that they are wonderful... No point to them at all from the other persons perspective. I have a note pad that I wrote letters on. then chucked them all away. Once again I believe you are right. Well, I did compose them - there were two: the angry scathing email and the 'I still love you email.. Lol! I didn't send either as couldn't decide which I felt more the love or hate. Also, there was a niggling feeling that if I had sent them, like you said, it would have made me look pathetic. Even more so if she had not repsonded. Would have made me look desperate and stalkish.

Hope you had a good weekend!

Well, come the end of March it will have been 6 months since she walked out on me for her new boyfriend. First three months was pretty bad and I wouldn't want to wish anyone to go through that. I feel that one day she will experience the same thing as i did and if not then someone close to her will have the displeasure of a break up and try to cope with it. Certainly I never even considered that a breakup could be this bad as I never had many long term relationships.

Although I still have conversations with myself walking to work or when I'm in the garage working on my car, which I find therapeutic, I'm begining to tire of going over the same old sceanrios and arguments. Also, I think i'm beginning to face the realisation that it was all a farce and she was probably only going to be with me, rent free, until she found her real soulmate. It's tough to accept but it could be that she used me all along for the whole 11 years! You know, one day, and I feel this may lilkely happen, that she will try and get in touch with me after all she spent a third of her life with me. When that day comes there will be no reponse from me at all - by then I will be past caring as I will have moved on.

So yes, there is life after a major breakup. First 3 months was very tough but now.. I feel I am healing and moving on. Not going under any illusions that it will go away but I know that I can control how I feel. It's actually made me stronger in that I have tried to master my emotions so that the emotions do not control me but I control my emotions.

Life eh? It's all an experience and strange as it sounds, I think my break up was part of experiencing 'life' and seeing whether I could 'survive'.

I also asked a lot of questions of myself and concluded that perhaps I didn't need her but also, perhaps, I didn't even want her.. Certainly she needed me to fulfill her financial and emotional needs, which I did and that was the difference in our relationship: she needed me but didn't 'want' me (big difference between need and want).

Anyway, my aunt's 90th brithday this Sat with all my London Cousins coming up. Family affair when I wanted to be working on my car in the garage!! Two more weeks and its Easter holidays so looking forward to that.

Anyway, that's all for now Toodles. Hope you have a great weekend. Keep us posted on what you have been up to.

Speak soon again.

Ganzx

Edited March 18, 2015 by Ganz7

March 24, 2015

Hey Ganz

Just seen that you have been back. I am in bit of a rush as I have been fannying about today. But will respond more when I have a bit more time.

Everything is up and down. I have good days and bad this end. But all is well.

March 24, 2015

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I have not experienced this, but I can imagine you are very hurt and devastated. I'm sure pretty much anyone would be in the same situation.

I can only offer advice from the perspective of a marriage breakdown. A sudden end to a long-term relationship is really hard. You may not have really had an idea that anything was wrong.

It hurts now, but it will get better with time. You're probably in something similar to shock and it's hard to deal with and fathom.

Try to take solace in the fact that it probably wasn't anything you did. Sometimes people just grow apart and change. Even if you did something....well she hasn't told you, so try to put it behind you.

I've been dumped by a woman I loved madly and it was really hard. It took my some time to get back up in the saddle again. It takes time. Try to be social, rely on your friends and family. Don't spend a lot of time alone even if you're an introvert.

Try not to worry about why it ended. I know 10 years is a long time, even if you were 70 years old it's a relatively long period of time. It's not easy to move on. But you have to. Get into things you find interesting, hobbies, sports, social activities, take a class, etc. Go bar-hopping. Try all kinds of different things. There is no one single thing you can do to move forward and move on, it's more like a "suite" or "basket" of things you have to do. The hurt and pain gets better with time.

Hang in there and believe in yourself.

March 25, 2015

Hey Ganz

Just seen that you have been back. I am in bit of a rush as I have been fannying about today. But will respond more when I have a bit more time.

Everything is up and down. I have good days and bad this end. But all is well.

Hey Toodles

Hope your good days out weigh the bad days. Yeah, my last reply was humongous. Probably take a few days to read!!

Anyway, keep us updated. Got lots going on at work and will be probably made redundant this July. Bit sad about that as it was my last bit of stability in my life left. First lost the gf, then the flat caught fire and now the job will go in July. Life eh??

It's been a crazy 5 and a half months!

Ganz

P.S you really do get up early!!

March 25, 2015

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I have not experienced this, but I can imagine you are very hurt and devastated. I'm sure pretty much anyone would be in the same situation.

I can only offer advice from the perspective of a marriage breakdown. A sudden end to a long-term relationship is really hard. You may not have really had an idea that anything was wrong.

It hurts now, but it will get better with time. You're probably in something similar to shock and it's hard to deal with and fathom.

Try to take solace in the fact that it probably wasn't anything you did. Sometimes people just grow apart and change. Even if you did something....well she hasn't told you, so try to put it behind you.

I've been dumped by a woman I loved madly and it was really hard. It took my some time to get back up in the saddle again. It takes time. Try to be social, rely on your friends and family. Don't spend a lot of time alone even if you're an introvert.

Try not to worry about why it ended. I know 10 years is a long time, even if you were 70 years old it's a relatively long period of time. It's not easy to move on. But you have to. Get into things you find interesting, hobbies, sports, social activities, take a class, etc. Go bar-hopping. Try all kinds of different things. There is no one single thing you can do to move forward and move on, it's more like a "suite" or "basket" of things you have to do. The hurt and pain gets better with time.

Hang in there and believe in yourself.

Cheers Jon

It does get easier with time. I have been NC now for 5 months and 1 week and have found that I have come to accept it.

I did all the things everyone said: worked out, saw friends, went out, in the company of people everyday - I had to pause though as after two solid months of doing this was exhausting and there are times when I have to be alone: when I'm paying my online bills and looking at my finances.

When I'm not with friends I work on my car and that's when I run conversations with myself about the relationship. I don'tmind doing this as its therapeutic. Also I remind myself how it all ended and that usually has the result of pulling myself together.

What you said about people growing apart is exactly what she said - but, there are so many people out there who remain together like my mum and dad. If people grow apart then Love's not meant to last. That's a sobering thought.

For allthose people out there who have been dumped I can reassure you that it does get easier - but its tough going and you will occasionally relapse: I was looking for some old wage slips last night and in a box happened upon a photo of my ex from the early years. Wow, that really hit me even though I only saw the top of the photograph I remembered the photo and my memory filled in the missing parts. It was one of my favourite photos and I had forgotten about it for years. I relapsed and was afftected by it even this morning! Had to snap myself out of this self-inflicted torture!

By far the toughest thing I've ever had to face. Kind of feel silly that something like this had got to me in the way it did. It is what it is though.

Thought of breaking NC but what's the point! She dumped me for another guy and has asked him to marry her. It was easy for her to leave everything behind with no haunting reminders or associations. Thinking of getting all the photos and sending them to her email. It won't be like breaking NC as I'm over it and not looking for answers as I know them. The only thing is that I wouldn't be able to look at the photos.

Done so much this year already I have memories built up that are starting to replace the faded memories of the past. It works but you have to go out and try new things and places to replace the old memories and forcibly stop yourself from thinking about the past!

Edited March 25, 2015 by Ganz7

March 25, 2015

Hey Ganz

Just seen that you have been back. I am in bit of a rush as I have been fannying about today. But will respond more when I have a bit more time.

Everything is up and down. I have good days and bad this end. But all is well.

Just been to Milton Keynes, it's like an airport complex! My trusty smartphone is getting really laggy. Time to upgrade I think. It's so laggy that trying to do anything is delayed by a couple of seconds or even longer. Took some photos at this conference and the camera lense didn't focus in time before the camera took the photo so all my photos are quite fuzzy.

Anyway, I hope you have more good days than bad. I'm relying on your strength of character you know!!

You know I was thinking.. if you can control one's emotions then life would be a lot easier don't you think?

Speak soon.

Ganz

March 29, 2015

Anyway, I hope you have more good days than bad. I'm relying on your strength of character you know!!

You know I was thinking.. if you can control one's emotions then life would be a lot easier don't you think?

Speak soon.

Ganz

Hi Ganz

Having a very up and down time of it. Not quite so many up days as I would like but figuring it all out.

Well I am like a battleaxe but I have my own melt downs too you know! I am not infallible. I wish I were.

Life would be soooo much easier if we could just switch emotions on and off. Still trying to master that one and still making a hash of it.

Sounds like you are actually doing better than I am at the moment. I seem to have hit a wall and just can't drag myself out of this meloncony mood. I have been grumpy and moody... I had some more segway racing booked but it was canceled at the last minute. Now have to wait another 3 months to go again.

I guess the answer is to just keep going and try and drag myself out of it.

Today I just curled up under a blanket with my dogs and watched films on the TV. I have only just got my backside into gear, its gone 4pm and that is very unlike me.

Ying and yang. It will get better and I really need to get my backside into gear and start training for a 5k I have booked to do with my boss!

April 23, 2015

Hi Ganz

Having a very up and down time of it. Not quite so many up days as I would like but figuring it all out.

Well I am like a battleaxe but I have my own melt downs too you know! I am not infallible. I wish I were.

Life would be soooo much easier if we could just switch emotions on and off. Still trying to master that one and still making a hash of it.

Sounds like you are actually doing better than I am at the moment. I seem to have hit a wall and just can't drag myself out of this meloncony mood. I have been grumpy and moody... I had some more segway racing booked but it was canceled at the last minute. Now have to wait another 3 months to go again.

I guess the answer is to just keep going and try and drag myself out of it.

Today I just curled up under a blanket with my dogs and watched films on the TV. I have only just got my backside into gear, its gone 4pm and that is very unlike me.

Ying and yang. It will get better and I really need to get my backside into gear and start training for a 5k I have booked to do with my boss!

Hi Toodles

It seems an age since we last spoke.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit under the weather but just remember Toodles, the bad days don't last forever. You know sometimes we all get quite melancholic and sometimes we can enjoy it too - in a strangely perverse way. It's like a bad winter's day.. sometimes you have no other choice than to stay in and read a good book or look over some old photo albums with a cup of tea. So don't be too hard on yourself for being melancholic.. it's just an off day that's all.

It's the one thing that everyone gets: good days and bad days just like we get day and night, summer and winter. We all know that winters come and go so when it does arrive we shouldn't be surprised we just got to ride it out.

Melancholy... even the word sounds soothing.. but don't let melancholy distort the facts!

Look at the positives you have as sometimes our feelings of anxiety and worry and melancholy plays tricks with our minds. I've learnt a lot since my breakup. The one big thing I learnt is that i'm my worst enemy. So now I watch out for myself!! The mind can be affected by moods and I realise that this can stop you doing lots of things and stop you moving forward.

I give you an example: walking to work a thought enters my head about the ex that then starts a train of thought that leads to anxiety attacks about my future.. this then leads to worry, this then leads to fear and feelings of disempowerment and destroys any confidence I have.

Recently I've taken control and tried to banish any negative thoughts as soon as they enter my head - however, I haven't yet mastered this completely and occasionaly let myself get taken over with old scenarios and memories because sometimes I enjoy having these conversations in my head about the ex and what I should have done and what she shoudl have done. However, life is too short to dwell on the past so I kick myself into action by stopping these thoughts.

Over the Christmas period it sounded like you were full on with loads of good stuff happening and maybe this is just a lull. It sounded like you peaked too soon back a few months ago and probably recharging your batteries in preparation for the summer. You're taking the spring as the opportunity to do the recharging.

Like you said it's Ying and Yang and one cannot exist without the other. When you get training for the 5k it will do your spirits good as exercise always does. Shame about the Segway. I had one booked last year but didn't do it.

I'm going to be checking more regular from now on as I noticed I started to slip into my old habits of doing my own thing. It was one of the things I promised I would do after the breakup was to make time for people.

Let us know how you get on. You're probably full on in the training when you read this.

Speak soon

Ganz

Edited April 23, 2015 by Ganz7

April 28, 2015

Hi Ganz

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while.

The under the blanket thing ended up being a cold that hit the next day and lasted for what felt like an age. So I guess I had an excuse!!!

Training has only just (very haphazardly) commenced. Its a touch hit and miss as my charity work has also started and my niece is now here as well. She is a little bundle of joy and smiles all the time (even when she isn't farting!!!).

Dating is going well. I have to keep taking short breaks as it all gets a bit much every now and then and it would appear that I am popular on the site I am on. Bit of an ego boost but at the same time can be a touch counter productive as most are really unsuitable matches.

Still a bit up and down but far more ups than downs. Not really on parr today as I have quite a bit to think about and sort through in my mind.

Did you watch those Bourne Movies in the end?

It definitely is a come down after Christmas as I was so busy all through December to February!!! Nice though to take a break and take stock for a bit. I really must start being sociable again as I have friends I need to go and see and touch base with.

Lots to do and sort out so should get my backside into gear and get on with it!

April 28, 2015

Hi Toodles

How cool is that? You posted today and I replied today!

Glad to hear it was just a cold.

Dating websites is something I've not had any luck with. I've been on one since October but haven't had a date yet. To be fair I'm not on it often enough to check but usually when i reply to any likes I seldom get responses. At the moment I'm meeting people old skool and one of the best ways is a 'Meetup' group in my local area. There is always someone new who turns up to meetup groups.

It's funny, I went to a party at a multi-millionaires apartment through a friend so I put a request on the dating site (as a test and I suppose frustration) inviting anyone who wanted to come along and that we would go there in a Maserati (kind of true but in the end didn''t go in the 'Mas') and I got one reply - to be fair it was short notice . The reply I got instructed me that I should put more pictures of myself in some sort of action or interesting activity and say a bit more about myself(!?). Well, that kind of killed any hope I had in online dating. Since then I've stuck to old skool meeting people. Still not had a date yet lol!

The Bourne movies..!! You remembered! I'm afraid I haven't seen them yet but I think there was a 'bourne' film on a channel the other night and from the couple of minutes I saw of it looked really good so yeah, I will watch them.. in 2015. I promise!

I remembered you were 'canning' it between December and Feb! Good on you! aving said that everyone needs to recharge.

Training sounds good. You know what they say about training: if it ain't raining it ain't training! i think we're forecasted cold wet weather in May.

Myself:I'm talking voluntery redundancy as I've had enough of being shafted by idiots who are qualified beyond their intelligence and have a complete lack of work ethic. So yeah, yet another chapter in life. Strangley I'm looking forward to taking some time off work as I've put in the last 14 years of my life totally in it.

Looking forward to summer.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Ganz7

May 1, 2015

Hi Ganz.

Sorry I thought I had posted yesterday but obviously not!!!

Life is good this end. I really need to try and find some energy from somewhere though. The grumps and sleeping was actually a cold coming out so I guess I have an excuse. Its taken its toll and I have been very lax over the past few weeks so really need to get into gear.

I am actually thinking about going to a Chinese medical practitioner to see if he can help in any way. A friend recommended one locally but its going to cost a small fortune. That said it would be a far better way to spend my money than waste it on ciggys!!!

OLD is weird. I have had some really strange people contacting me. The ones I like most are the bog standard "this is me" types who are not trying to big themselves up or be something other than themselves. I have had many go ghost on me, some get abusive and angry (certainly NOT going to meet up with those!), many just want sex, some have been great just not for me... There are 2 I am interested in at the moment. One is a first date tomorrow. He is great and we get on in so many ways but he is pushing a bit and seems to be rushing which is making me a bit nervous. The second is polar opposite and very laid back! So much so that I have no idea if he even fancies me! He always smiles when he see's me and these days he is talking more and being more proactive about asking me out but it really is like pulling hens teeth sometimes!!! Last weekend I dressed up so I was showing EVERY curve. I know I looked good. Heads turned, conversations stopped, an old chap in the pub missed his mouth and poured his pint down his front because he was staring at my breasts... This guy only looked at my face! I am pretty certain he isn't gay but its a struggle. I have a sweep stake going on when I will be able to get his pants off... So far no joy at all! And he is the one I want!!! If I had more positive moves from him even a little one I wouldn't have arranged the other date with the other chap!

What do you think you will do once your redundancy comes through? Do you have any ideas or plans?

May 5, 2015

Hi Toodles

Sounds like you're in the dating mix full on which is great fun. I've been trying it out in nightclubs and bar. Luckily I have a couple of mates who also share the same ethos so it's a good laugh and like I always say: it's a numbers game - the rejection that is. I've had a few subtle rejections but it doesn't bother me and I don't take it personally anymore like I used to.

I know that people can be very particular. I was on a dating site were some woman wanted to meet a 6.1 tall bloke. I'm just under at 5.11 but no, it had to be 6.1 tall..(!?) There was another girl I was trying to get with and she didn't show any interest and is now going out with someone who has two kids from a previous. People are funny and unpredictable. People also go for types. There have been a few women who never went for me and I guess I wasn't their 'type'. Blokes are much the same.

Being available now my mates and family are always trying to fix me up with someone but the people they are trying to fix me up with well, I'm just not into them that much plus if I'm honest I'm still trying to get my sights on my next step in other things outside relationships.

Talking of being unpredictable when I was with my ex I never really appreciated it. Spent more time on my hobbies and interests much to the detriment of my ex and everything else. I played tennis, had an art studio, had an interest in computing (I teach that) and now in my car. Looking back I kind of regret that my hobbies took priority and I wish I had someone who could have warned me of that. At the end of the day my hobbies made me happiest. Marriage, kids, and family days out at Disney just didn't appeal to me - of course, once she left those things seem the most desirable to me now.

Before I met my ex I spent a lot of my time alone. I never really had many girlfriends as I was more interested in motorbikes, hanging with mates and enjoying life. I was a very late starter in life concerning women. Of course, having spent the last 10 years with someone I really miss that now. Being on my own sucks at the moment which is strange because when she was living with me I would love being on my own when she went out or was still in bed.

Redundancy.. I got three months left then no more money!! That's going to be a shock. I'll see if they can redeploy me somewhere but at the same time I don't want to rely on them. I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

Setting up my own consultancy sounds appealing. I'm also looking at big training organisations where I could offer my teaching services. Not sure whether I would want to work for another 'employer'. So at the moment I want to take as many IT vendor qualifications as possible.

Mistake I made for last 10 years was I never put much attention on myself or my future I just lived day to day with my hobbies and the ex. If you don't plan you'll be planning to fail is a very true saying. Lessons learnt: I messed up for the last 10 years but how the next 10 years will pan out is up to me.

It's weird but first the break up then the apartment fire and now the redundancy.. It's like someone really wants me to start a new chapter. Life eh?

Your bloke that isn't showing any interest maybe he's a leg man or something else. Probably a slow burner type (with hobbies!).

Personally, I like some good tight curves myself as you don't see that often. Not where I'm from anyway.

Edited May 5, 2015 by Ganz7

May 5, 2015

Talking of being unpredictable when I was with my ex I never really appreciated it. Spent more time on my hobbies and interests much to the detriment of my ex and everything else. I played tennis, had an art studio, had an interest in computing (I teach that) and now in my car. Looking back I kind of regret that my hobbies took priority and I wish I had someone who could have warned me of that. At the end of the day my hobbies made me happiest. Marriage, kids, and family days out at Disney just didn't appeal to me - of course, once she left those things seem the most desirable to me now.

Don't ever give up your hobbies for someone. Your hobbies and interests are what make you who you are. If you give them up what do you become? The trick is to be yourself and find someone that compliments that. Someone who enhances it rather than makes it a drag

Before I met my ex I spent a lot of my time alone. I never really had many girlfriends as I was more interested in motorbikes, hanging with mates and enjoying life. I was a very late starter in life concerning women. Of course, having spent the last 10 years with someone I really miss that now. Being on my own sucks at the moment which is strange because when she was living with me I would love being on my own when she went out or was still in bed.

You were with the wrong one is the simple answer to that. Yes you would enjoy your time to yourself but when its good you also enjoy them being around too...

Setting up my own consultancy sounds appealing. I'm also looking at big training organisations where I could offer my teaching services. Not sure whether I would want to work for another 'employer'. So at the moment I want to take as many IT vendor qualifications as possible.

Sounds good! Go for it! Even if you work for another employer as a temporary thing to keep funds up its still a plan.

Mistake I made for last 10 years was I never put much attention on myself or my future I just lived day to day with my hobbies and the ex. If you don't plan you'll be planning to fail is a very true saying. Lessons learnt: I messed up for the last 10 years but how the next 10 years will pan out is up to me.

It's weird but first the break up then the apartment fire and now the redundancy.. It's like someone really wants me to start a new chapter. Life eh?

Someone is trying to say something aren't they!

Well I got stood up. I am glad in a way as they way in which he did it was very rude and a bit lazy both of which are traits I detest in people. So I am counting my blessings.

The dating thing... I need to take a break again and spend some time to myself I think. I am a bit fed up with it all and really need to concentrate on other things. Its a busy time for me as all my charity work and stuff is starting up again and I am often not home until after 9pm then up again at 5-6am... Its exhausting. Only had 3 hours sleep last night! Ended up inviting a chap round for a chat etc and had a great night, as he was driving I drank all of the wine and oh my I am paying for it today! A bottle of wine swiftly followed by a rather nice ale is not good from someone who is normally t total!

Well I am working on my curves! I want to tone everything up and get fitter again. The weather I admit is putting me off at the moment! I am also finding it really hard to motivate myself. But ho hum I will get there. Just need to keep at it and keep going.

One day at a time...

May 17, 2015

Hi Toodles

It's good that you are looking at being stood up as disaster avoided! See it as a numbers game.. Next!

Thought I had a date last week but the person changed their mind but said they would let me know for sure the next day. Not heard anything since! Was wondering whether to txt a reply as it's been over a week since last contact.

A bottle of wine sounds pretty good to me! Just put a bottle in the fridge for tonight. I'm going to crack it open and have a toast to you Toodles for giving me great support over the last 6 months. All this breakup stuff was totally new to me. Coming here has been literally a 'life saver'.

Really liked your take on 'hobbies'. That was very reassuring to hear that hobbies and interests define us. I can get very passionate about my interests much to the detriment of paying bills, washing dishes, hoovering, not seeing friends.. It's an area I will try to change. To try and put more focus on myself rather than my hobbies. In fact I could turn myself into a hobby as one way of achieving this!

Getting motivated sometimes can be difficult to do. It's a mental state of mind. The mind controls us so much don't you think. It would be great to be motivated enough that you couldn't wait to get up early. Reminds me when I had my 10 gear racer at school. It was the only time I woke up earlier than normal to ride the bike around the block before going to school.

It's important to look after your body - even though I'm about to crack a bottle of wine open. Along with all the other things we have got to do it will makes us better people. It's the disciplines that matter.

What charity work do you do?

Getting up early is something I want to do - in fact, i realised recently(embarrassed to say) that everyday needs to be accounted for and planned. Is this something you do?

Ganz

May 18, 2015

Oh God Ganz don't make life a chore!!!

I don't account for every day and every hour but I do try to fit as much in as possible. Life is never quiet or dull. I quite enjoy it when it is!

No I keep a mental list of all the things I want to get done then try and do as many of them as possible. Thats it really. At the moment I am trying to get my garden under control. All this sun and rain has made everything grow like you wouldn't believe.

Life is as it is. Some of it sucks and some of it is great! I try to push more for the great bits. So thats why I organise fun things to do as much as possible. More segways this weekend. I am taking a load of friends so they can try it and I am going to baby sit the children while they go off and have a go. Got to book more racing too and another friend wants to have a go at that so will have to get more tickets. Its never ending. There is loads on at the theatre and load of concerts that I want to go to but cash is getting tight so am going to have to miss a whole heap of really great things. But ho hum. Just starting another round of trying to give up smoking. We shall see how it goes.

As for my charity work I help disabled people learn how to ride and am also involved with a fun day for children that are dying so they can experience as much as possible before the inevitable. I love it. I would do more if I could.

Sounds to me as though you are starting to come out of the doldrums now. Keep at it and you will soon find your motivation returns. Motivated people tend to be more active and out going. If you keep going it soon becomes a habit and you end up wandering how you ever lived another way. Life becomes more positive and you end up experiencing more. Motivation is a good habit to nurture and develop.

Speaking of which I have a big pile of filing and a heap of invoicing to do so I am going to give myself a swift kick up the backside and get on with it! Some music will probably help!

Glad to hear all is still going well. Keep at it and keep marching forward.

May 26, 2015

Oh God Ganz don't make life a chore!!!

I don't account for every day and every hour but I do try to fit as much in as possible. Life is never quiet or dull. I quite enjoy it when it is!

No I keep a mental list of all the things I want to get done then try and do as many of them as possible. Thats it really. At the moment I am trying to get my garden under control. All this sun and rain has made everything grow like you wouldn't believe.

Life is as it is. Some of it sucks and some of it is great! I try to push more for the great bits. So thats why I organise fun things to do as much as possible. More segways this weekend. I am taking a load of friends so they can try it and I am going to baby sit the children while they go off and have a go. Got to book more racing too and another friend wants to have a go at that so will have to get more tickets. Its never ending. There is loads on at the theatre and load of concerts that I want to go to but cash is getting tight so am going to have to miss a whole heap of really great things. But ho hum. Just starting another round of trying to give up smoking. We shall see how it goes.

As for my charity work I help disabled people learn how to ride and am also involved with a fun day for children that are dying so they can experience as much as possible before the inevitable. I love it. I would do more if I could.

Sounds to me as though you are starting to come out of the doldrums now. Keep at it and you will soon find your motivation returns. Motivated people tend to be more active and out going. If you keep going it soon becomes a habit and you end up wandering how you ever lived another way. Life becomes more positive and you end up experiencing more. Motivation is a good habit to nurture and develop.

Speaking of which I have a big pile of filing and a heap of invoicing to do so I am going to give myself a swift kick up the backside and get on with it! Some music will probably help!

Glad to hear all is still going well. Keep at it and keep marching forward.

Sorry

Did some weeding for a family member few weeks ago. There were eight bin liners of weeds taken out. It was a chore but a great workout in the end.

Can't believe it but they said the weeds have come back so I'm dropping Napalm on them next time.

Now that I have established myself as the 'weeder' everyone I know with a garden is subtlety hinting about their weeds needing 'doing'. Now that would become a chore

So you're wanting to stop smoking. Everyone has their own story of how they did it and I've got mine! When I was doing a lot of mountain biking it just didn't feel right to light up a cigarette after a long ride so I just stopped. To be more precise I got angry with myself and that made it easier to stop.

I gave up for about 12 months then lit up a ciggie but it tasted horrible. To be fair it was a roll up of Golden Virginia and that was never my favorite. I relapsed once or twice, usually in a club after a few drinks but never got back into it again. When I used to go on holiday in Greece (ex was from there) everyone in the cafes smoked outside and I found I was coughing and spluttering after 10 minutes of sitting next to them.

I kind of still visualise myself smoking a ciggie but I know the effect would have me reeling for a few days on end so I've never been tempted.

Happy to say since the last time I spoke to you that I've secured my position at work .

It was a head to head with a colleague for one post!! It was by far the toughest interview I've ever had. In front of three managers and HR person, which I've done a few times but this time was very different as there was the threat of being made redundant.

One solid hour of intense questioning (usually it's 40 minutes followed by a test or a presentation to begin with) and I came out reeling from the experience but didn't crack under pressure. When they asked back into the boardroom I thought this was to be given the bad news but I couldn't believe my ears when they said otherwise.

This time around I had no one to for support , not that I needed it but it's nice to know someone is there. Just had myself to prepare and do all the paperwork. Really proud of myself for doing a great interview:)

However, this whole redundancy thing made me look at my future in a different way and at different opportunities. I'm glad I secured my job, to get my finances sorted but I'm looking to the future for bettering myself as much as possible.

The experience of going through that interview added something to my character too. What I thought was my limit wasn't, if you know what I mean.

Wow, I love the fact that you are doing charity work.

"As for my charity work I help disabled people learn how to ride and am also involved with a fun day for children that are dying so they can experience as much as possible before the inevitable. I love it. I would do more if I could."

One of the things I want to do in my life post breakup is to give back to society in some way. Going to make time to see if I can get involved in helping people out in some way. If I could devote one day a week to a worthy cause that would be great.

You know, as much as I was devastated about the breakup last October, and I really was, so many positives have come out of it: I've re-established some old cherished friendships; made time for almost everyone; prayed even (not that i'm that religious but hey it's a discipline all the same); looked to the future; looked at my faults.. and God there were many!! The list goes on. It made me reassess myself and what I want to do and was forced me to look at what my values were.

The hypothetical question I ask myself is: If she came back (of course i would never have her back after the cheating) would I be the same person as I was before the breakup and the answer is always no. Quite simply I would not put up with myself or the ex's behavior like I did in the past.

With hindsight there is no way I would have let it go on for so many years without taking some action. But you know Toodles, for me without a weekly plan where I make time for all these good things I just fall back into the old habits and that has already happened. Be good to hear your take on it.

Anyway, to celebrate my job I'm organising a stag do for a friend in Spain. They'll be a load of us going. Life is good only wish there were 36 hours in a day instead of just 24!

Off to wash the dishes now

x

May 26, 2015

Oh Ganz that is FANTASTIC NEWS!!! Well done! When do you start?

I am REALLY pleased for you!!! Life has certainly turned round for you in the last few months. I remember when you started posting you were really down about loads of things but now you seem so much more up beat and happy!

Even just an hour a week is fun and I can tell you its actually quite difficult to fit it all in if you take on too much! There are all sorts of volunteering things you can do. The local rescue centres are always looking for walkers and helpers. There are one off events that you could get involved in. All sorts really... I thoroughly enjoy what I do. If I could do more I would but I don't have the time or the resources to.

I had a date at the weekend. He was absolutely lovely. Really liked him and would love to see him again. But alas I do not think he is all that interested. I may try and grab his attention again in a couple of weeks time but I dunno. It was almost worse than all the disaster dates I have been on because this one is great. I am absolutely sure he is far from perfect and has some nasty habits and annoying things he does, after all we all do and there was one in particular that stood out. Thankfully one of my bosses also does the same thing so I am used to it and it doesn't bother me at all. I thought I had found the proverbial needle in the haystack but sadly not it would seem.

Well the lawn is finally under control. I am covered in bruises and scrapes from battling with it but its looking far better. Now to hit the green house and veggie patch!

I had a fabulous evening with my yoga instructor last week. Ended up very drunk on not much at all with black eyes from going head first into the floor trying to master various yoga poses... Its taking time but I am getting there and can now do the "crow" for nearly a whole second!!! She has been showing me the "firefly" but my arms are really not long enough, either that or my thighs are too fat or something because I can not for the life of me do it!!!

I have started again on the quitting smoking. yesterday was a bad day as I had about 10, the day before only 4 and only 3 so far today. So a bit up and down but heading in the right direction!

I went on a segway tour on Sunday which was hilarious and so much fun. The person I had brought the spot for didn't show up so I went in his place and I am so glad he missed out. We were all in stitches the whole time. Really great fun. I am supposed to be seeing him tonight as I am taking his daughter driving but we shall see. He has made me very angry (again). But ho hum.

I think we all have our ups and downs. Being motivated and keeping positive is actually much harder work than many think. Everyone assumes that I am always positive and up beat all the time but I can tell you now that in the evenings all electronic devices get shut off (except phone which I put in another room) and often I will just sit quietly and read or do my nails or just watching the birds through the window. It is very hard work to constantly be jolly and happy. Its OK to have days when you just think F it. As long as you keep picking yourself back up and keep active and don't let yourself wallow. I really struggle sometimes. I often just want to sit and watch TV and stop thinking about anything at all. When I find myself doing that I force myself to get up and do something. Anything.

Being the person I want to be is bloody hard work if I am honest. I want to be friendly, happy, generous, active and kind but I often ponder to myself and think this would be so much easier if I were just selfish and lazy instead. Truth is that it would be easier to be selfish and lazy but my life would be very dull and boring and I don't think I would like the person I would be if I were like that. I have had post it notes reminding myself to get up and go and to be brave and keep going up on my wardrobe mirror for months. Its all little reminders of the person I want to be and how I want the world to view me. It my little reminder to myself to keep getting up off of my backside and go grab life by the balls. So you see we are not all as strong as you think. Last night I was in tears because I was so disappointed and I allowed myself a couple of hours to feel glum before telling my self to pull up my pants and get on with it.

Re read your posts... Go back to the early days then read your latest... I think you will be shocked at the difference in you. Your whole tone and manner has completely changed and you are far more active and up beat... Th effort you have put in has been worth it!

June 17, 2015

Hey Toodles.

I really loved your the reply. It genuinely made me happy reading that first line!! What a STAR you are!

Yes, I started my job straight away. The job is currently what I am already doing but with much more responsibility, i.e more jobs to do.. They call it restructuring(!?).

It's a relieve in a way that my money does not run out at the end of July so I can plan to reduce some of my debts that I have accumulated over the past couple of years!

An hour a week's charity work sounds good and I am sure I can manage that and will make sure I make the time for that. I'll check out some centers and see what I can offer.

Yoga.. I've never tried that but there was a class called Bigram yoga that is done in a very hot environment where people sweat loads. I like a good sweat so was interested. It really sounded up my street at the time and literally was up the street but they wanted me to sign up for one month and it cost quite a bit so I never joined in the end.

Looking at my lack of fitness I've realised that I drink too much at home on my own so I have cut out all drinking mon-fri and have recently joined my old gym to work out again. I used to really enjoy the gym when I went four years ago and seeing old friends there again was nice. Really noticed the difference in my heart rate compared to four years ago. Now it's much higher whereas before you had to really push yourself for it to go into 130bpm. Now I hardly exert myself and its 140! Also need to lose a stone and a half. My fighting weight should be 12 stone.

The Segway sounds great. I never did mine in the end as they expired. But hey there was life changing stuff happening to me at the time.

Toodles, I really appreciate your frankness in declaring that you have off days. You know we all do. Last week I had a couple of days where I was in a torpor of a downer and just couldn't snap out of it. Even worse it happened at the weekend and because I decided to stay at home for a change it was made worse. Believe it or not I've had days where I've felt like crying over missed opportunities, disgust of myself, regrets that I have and all the mistakes that I made. Yes, I made errors, I messed up big time but we're human and we're just showing that humanity. I look at the 'role' models of my sister and her marriage but I see that my brother in law isn't happy in some other ways.

I often wonder why I didn't commit to my ex. Looking back I pursued my interests with a passion and was hoping that she would be part of that but it never transpired. I get down from time to time and actually had anxiety attacks about my future. Worse thing about the break up was the feeling that I'd been abandoned. I know one thing for sure. Abandoning someone is something I could never do even if the price of that loyalty was high.

Toodles, I just luuuved your take on feeling positive and happy. You are RIGHT!

How blooming hard is it to maintain positive and happy all the time! I mean come on? It downright sucks sometimes because it does require so much effort. Playing sports used to require a lot of effort and training even when the results were rubbish but you still kept training. Bear grylls said in the SAS they used to have a saying: "if it ain't raining, it ain't training". Kind of rings true in a way when we are faced with difficult moments in life. It's how you snap yourself out of it and learning that occurs from it. For example over the weekend I did force myself to snap out of it by listening to some music and singing a song and cooking for myself then watching a film... yes, OMG a film! Not the Bournes I hasten to add.. Lol!

You know you are bang on when you say it's OK to have days where you say F it! I'd be lying if I said I didn't have those days. Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Sometimes time can wait and I'm going to take my time. I try to steal time, like revising for an work's exam whilst I'm having a coffee.. That way 'time' doesn't realise I've sneaked some of its precious commodity. He he! Some of the best notes I've made have been on the train or in a coffee shop where I'm not suppose to be working. Don't let time dictate.

Quote: "Being the person I want to be is bloody hard work if I am honest".

God damn Toodles you are so on the money it unbelievable!! It is so much easier to be selfish and lazy. Also, it's blooming hard to change one's habits and routines and even more difficult to change one's self. It's probably the hardest thing to do! We only change when our backs are against the wall like in some crisis. That's when our real self kicks in and does what it has to do for the better.

On this subject of how hard it is to change I actually stumbled into my ex after 7 months of NC verbally or visually. Wasn't even sure she was in the country as I have not heard a bean from her.

..Couple of weeks ago I took sometime off in the afternoon and was walking towards home past the Neros we used to frequent when shock horror there she was sitting outside with a female friend clutching a latte. I mean clutching a latte in our old haunt. I was like what the F. I actually did a double take and she must have seen me. I didn't say anything as the last time she blanked me. Also, I was on the other side of the pavement.

There, in the flesh, was real life evidence of how hard it is to change and even harder if you are a lazy person. Clearly, she still had no job as it was 3.00pm and a Thursday. Secondly, when I ventured back in to the city center for a meeting she was still supping a coffee and chatting before leisurely taking a stroll up the street. To be honest it was disappointing to see she hadn't change and was wearing the same coat, same hair style that she wore when she walked out nearly 8 months ago! To leave me and then change for the better I would have appreciated but to see no change was disappointing. In a way it was like her life was so crap when she was with me (her view methinks) that she left me for someone else to carry on the crappy life she had.. God, I must have been s**t. Nevertheless from what I witnessed..some things never change.

Talking about being selfish and lazy I occasionally fall back into my old habits of not seeing my family for a couple of days, being engrossed in my work, doing my car up, playing tennis. Because I put a lot into my working day I come home pretty exhausted and the last I want to do is stuff that requires effort. So I pursue thing that makes me happy bit not necessarily good for future planning. Where I should be planning the next few months I have slipped back into my old ways of living day to day, week to week with little planning.

Not posting for a couple of weeks I feel disgusted that I let my myself slip back into old habits. In fact, I think it's even more reason to move out of my flat as its difficult to change my routines.

The post it notes are a great idea as its so easy to forget the next day what you thought about the day before.

Trying to become the person you want to be is hard work but you recognise that so that's a much better position to be in compared to the person who cannot or worse, refuses to recognise that fact.

I'll do what you said about re-reading my old posts. I'll probably cringe!!

Speak soon. I'll post tomorrow when i can talk some more.

Ganzo!

Edited June 17, 2015 by Ganz7

August 2, 2015

Hello one and all.

As it has been 10 months since the breakup I thought I would give you an update on how it's been for me - will try and keep it short not like before. lol!

Ironically, I never remembered our first date anniversary but I guess I'll always remember the day she walked out.

So, 10 months and how has it been. First 4 months were the hardest months of my entire life. I don't know why it had such an impact and I have to say it shook me to the core. Life seemed meaningless. This was followed by anxiety attacks and worries and I even lost a bit of my hair through the anxiety I guess. However, following the threads on Loveshack was an immense help and getting some great support from everyone, Toodaloo et al really helped me through this. I cannot overstate that enough. Thanks everyone!

So what was the strategy? Basically what I did was get real busy and for the first three months. I was going out so much I started to feel run down though so reined it in a bit.

Other things I did was get in touch with some long lost friends and have stayed in touch as much as possible.

At some point I started looking at my life and how I could change that too. This helped curtail the anxiety of an unknown future.

I did the whole thing of socialising and staying fit. I do a lot more social media than ever and to really helps as I talk to friends.

Yes, occasionally there were relapses - I had one today even but you know when I remind myself of the things I didn't like about her that snaps me out of any rosy nostalgia. When I do remind myself of the bits I didn't like about her it's just ridiculous to be thinking about her in a nice way.

As much as I realised she was gone for good one of the things that was tough to do was to look at myself in a critical way. There were some truths that I had to confront. I was not perfect and could have been a better partner. But you know, there is something good in everyone. Looking at my positive points helped built my confidence again. It is easy to lose sight of the things you are good at when you are criticising or blaming yourself. I have to remind msyelf that I woke up everyday to put a day of work in to pay the bills and buy the food, pay the rent and other bills.

Anyway, I said I was going to keep it short. here are some Don't dos

DO NOT: look at any photos, facebook, google or even associate with any mutual links through facebook. Unfortunately, I had to stop freinding a friend of her brother on Facebook. As he lived in the same city as my ex's parents and having stayed there over the years everytime he posted a picture of where he had been drinking or driving it just reminded me too much of the good times there. That was tough to do, to break complete contact like that.

Block the ex's facebook and her friends on facebook as when you least expect it facebook with throw up their profile pics (my ex in the arms of another man now) as potential freinds as it did with me because I had her brother's friend on facebook. When I glimpse at the photo of her and her new guy it just teared me up inside. So, break and block all her friends and relatives.

Also, take out any connections in Linkedin. I am sure one of her friends were cheeking my profile and reporting back to her.

I did 10 months of NC. However, in June I saw her in a cafe and a couple of weeks ago she walked into the same bar I was in with her new guy!

Seeing the ex again may be a good thing!

I'll explain.

Seeing the ex again - I don't mean arranging to meet up but accidentally bumping into them could actually be a good thing. It might give you a reality check!

This happened two weeks ago. I was at the bar with a friend having come from a wedding in London of another friend. I could not believe it when she walked straight in to the bar. When she saw me her face dropped and she turned around and dashed out! Couldn't believe her reaction. In the 10 months I had never phone, emailed or had any contact at all once I had realised the true reason of her departure. So there she was loitering at the door but she had to come back inside as her boyfriend had already ordered drinks. She came back in to drag him out and whispered something to him and then she dashed upstairs to the toilets. Goodness know what she said but there he was at the bar. We were clocking each other in a non aggressive way. He didn't seem anything special. They went off to some corner and after 10 mintues just disapeared. Neither me or my friend noticed they had left.

Why was it good to see her again. First, the way she behaved and the face she had made me think good riddance. To think I even have feelings for a person who has abandoned me and walked out on 10 years of me supporting her financially was good for me to face.

Sometimes it's good to see the ex again if only to realise you dodged a bullet and make you appreciate that.

So is time the great healer. Well, it does get better with time. But I suspect, having nearly a year gone by, it will take longer. I reckon another year before it will seem ridiculous to even talk about her again at least to my friends and family. Indeed if #i were to continue my friends and family may think I had a vendetta against her. I am still in the old place and that doesn't help so that's my next priority is to get out or at least rearrange and redecorate the rooms.

Oh another thing is read books! Reading a good book really takes your mind away from the past. Really works.

Finally, get yourself a daily schedule and plan your days. Don;t just let days drift by where you reminice about the past. Have a purpose to your days.

She walked out one me after 10 years!

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